Codependency: When You Give Until It Hurts

Frederick A. Levy LCSW

Do You:

Feel responsible for others?
Never have time for you?
Feel that life never lets up?
Never have time for fun?
Give past the point of pain?
Wonder if it will ever be your turn?
Barely have time to read this list?

Familiar?

Then read on!

What is codependency?

Codependency is an disorder that describes the compulsive need to take care
of other people at the expense of appropriate and necessary self care.
Codependents have a difficult time recognizing their own feelings and needs, and
sometimes feel "swallowed up" by the people around them.

Where does codependency come from?

Codependency originally described the condition of spouses and family members
of alcoholics. As alcohol continued to cause progressively worsening
problems, the rest of the family found that they needed to assume more and more
responsibility in order to keep the family afloat. Survivors of alcoholic homes
discovered that this pattern of survival became a way of life, going far beyond
the life of the family. For Adult Children of Alcoholics, caretaking and
rescuing others became the only life imaginable.

In time, therapists discovered that codependency could also emerge from
families with other severe problems, such as: sexual abuse; drug addiction;
chronic
illnesses; a variety of addictive and/or compulsive behaviors (such as
gambling); and rigid, authoritarian rules with a "no talk rule" around the
expression of feelings. As they emerged from these backgrounds, codependents
learned
that their well being and sense of safety depended on controlling the behavior
of others.

What is codependent behavior?

As a rule, codependents have difficulty identifying what they need. They
often can't tell what they feel; sometimes they just feel numb - too numb to
sense
their own fear. They can justify rescuing others in the name of love and
concern, but don't seem to know their own limits.

As a result, codependents can be prone to depression, physical illness, or
job "burnout." They routinely overtax themselves, feeling guilty if they take
time for their own self care. They seem incapable of relaxing, but seem forever
to be giving, rarely allowing themselves to receive. Their friendships consist
of caseloads of needy people; yet, codependents rarely feel that they are
doing enough for others. They have a hard time saying "no." In the work setting,
they may put in endless overtime (sometimes without pay), but fear they are
frauds and incompetents, feeling grateful they still have jobs.

They may go from one unsatisfying relationship to another, mystified at how
they fall prey to such an endless stream of "losers." Most ironically,
codependents may themselves suffer from compulsive and addictive patterns,
including
addictions to: destructive relationships; work; overeating and other eating
disorders; excitement and chaos; and sometimes substance abuse. They fee sad,
deeply alone, drained, and often desperate. They wish that someone could hear
their pain.

What treatments are available for codependency?

Codependency can be treated with a variety of treatment strategies,
including: individual; marital; family; and group therapies. Thousands have been
helped
through 12 Step self help groups, especially Adult Children of Alcoholics
groups through Al-Anon, and CODA (Codependency Anonymous). In the safety of
therapy and/or self help, Survivors can: share their pain; identify patterns of
coping that maintain codependency; raise self esteem; and learn new ways of
addressing their concerns. Help provides a place where Survivors can stop having
to
control others and finally reclaim their lives.




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