Learning To Love Yourself

By Leslie Karen Lobell, M.A.

According to the song written by Michael Masser and Linda Creed, Greatest
Love of All "The greatest love of all / Is easy to achieve / Learning to love
yourself / It is the greatest love of all." I agree that, for many people,
self-love may be the greatest and most important love they ever experience in
this
lifetime. However, for so many people, "learning to love yourself" does not
seem so "easy to achieve." For most of us, genuine self-love seems so elusive,
so
much harder to grasp than we expected. In my last piece, I spoke about the
importance of self-love. Now, I would like to give some practical suggestions -
some first steps -- on how to learn to love yourself.

I have made the analogy that, if you keep giving to others without giving to
yourself, it is like pouring water from a vessel. If you pour and pour without
ever refilling it, eventually, it will run dry. So, if we are like that
vessel, how do we refill, recharge, re-energize, and replenish ourselves, so
that
we will have energy and love to give to others and to the world? The answer is:
by loving and giving to ourselves, first. How do we begin to do this?

There are many ways for us to love and to care for ourselves... The
possibilities are infinite. One way to learn to love yourself is to act as if
you
already do (i.e., "Fake it till you make it"). An important way to love yourself
is
to nourish and care for your body: eat healthy foods and exercise regularly.
You may want to "treat" yourself to things like a massage, a facial, a
pedicure, or a gym membership. Taking breaks and having fun are important, as
well.
Whether alone, with a friend, or with a partner, you may want to have a night
out on the town: go out for a nice dinner, go dancing, and/or attend the
theater, a concert, the ballet, or a movie. If you tend to be a workaholic -- or
if
you are more a saver than a spender -- then perhaps it is time to take a
well-deserved, long-overdue vacation. Of course, treating yourself does not need
to
involve great expense: you can take a bubble bath, eat dinner at home by
candlelight, take a walk on the beach, swim in the ocean (those waters are very
healing), or watch a sunset. Perhaps you enjoy taking time to paint or to write.
These are just a few ideas... You can put your own imagination to work...

Another way to enhance self-love and self-esteem is to be aware of your
self-talk (those things that you say to yourself inside your head). Speak to
yourself in ways that are more kind, and less mean or abusive. Many of us have
very
harsh inner critics: When we make a mistake, this critical voice inside our
head beats up on us, saying things like, "That was so stupid! ... I can't do
anything right! ... What a loser!" We need to replace these negative messages
with other, more positive ones. For example, "I made a mistake. That's okay:
That
is how I learn. I'll know better the next time." With awareness, over time,
you can "catch yourself" when your self-talk is negative, and change the
message to something more positive and "ego-enhancing."

Don't just "catch yourself being wrong." "Catch yourself being right." In
other words, don't just catch the voice of your inner critic, and stop it from
beating up on you. When you do something well, or when you find yourself saying
the right things to yourself or to others, be sure to reward yourself:
acknowledge yourself verbally, give yourself a pat on the back, or treat
yourself to
something special.

Yet another way you can learn to love yourself is by being in the practice of
using positive affirmations. Take some time to come up with the qualities
that you most want to embody. Choose about two or three to focus on for any one
period of time. Then try this for at least a month: Repeat those qualities
daily, telling yourself that you are those things, already. Whether or not you
currently believe it, say it anyway... Again, "Fake it till you make it." For
example, take time to tell yourself, each day, "I am happy and successful" or "I
am beautiful and bright" or "I love my body: I feel healthy and in balance" or
"I am loving, caring, and worthy of love" or "I am powerful and
self-confident" ... whatever qualities you wish to be. You may want to write out
these
affirmations and post them someplace where you will see them regularly: on the
bathroom mirror, on the refrigerator door, by the clock in your bedroom, atop
your computer monitor, or somewhere in front of your desk at work. Even if, at
first, you feel silly or uncomfortable repeating or reading these phrases, you
may find that you grow into and become these qualities. You may even realize
that you embodied them all along; you just had not realized it.

So, go ahead. Love yourself. Be good to yourself. Treat yourself well.
Replenish yourself. You will discover that, the more you love yourself, the more
you
will be able to give love to others - and the more others will want to be
around you and give back to you. This is a win-win situation. Loving yourself
will ultimately benefit the lives of others you encounter, as well as your own
life.



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