Sexual (And Love) Addiction

Sexual addiction is rapidly becoming recognized as a major social problem
with similarities more well-known to alcohol and drug addiction or compulsive
gambling. We are becoming accustomed to hearing about sexual scandals in our
communities, in the workplace, in churches and schools, even in the White House,
involving those in which we place our trust. And sometimes we experience
shocking sexual discoveries in our own families, involving people we know
personally. Many of these situations are better understood if we have some
knowledge
about sexual addiction.

Some History and Data

As a condition, sexual addiction has been around apparently going back as far
as we have recorded history. However, it has only been in the last two or
three decades that a clearer understanding of it is being reached and inroads
begun into effectively treating it.

Starting in the late 1970's a psychologist and researcher, Patrick Carnes,
Ph.D., was instrumental in the initial identification and treatment of sexual
addiction as a condition. He is also responsible for getting accurate
information about it into the hands of professionals as well as the public
through
numerous national lectures and educational TV appearances, and recently by
answering questions about it in an AOL chat room on the Internet. Among the
books he
has written on the subject are Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual
Addiction, and Don't Call It Love: Recovery from Sexual Addiction, which are
excellent sources for learning in more detail about sexual addiction.

Dr. Carnes describes how sexually addicted individuals have become addicted
to the neuro-chemical changes that take place in the body during sexual
behavior, much as a drug addict becomes hooked on the effects of smoking "crack"
cocaine or "shooting" heroin. This is not to say that expression of ourselves as
sexual beings, an intensely pleasurable, life-enhancing experience for the
majority of the population, is an inherently addictive reality. As Carnes
states,
"Contrary to enjoying sex as a self-affirming source of physical pleasure, the
sex addict has learned to rely on sex for comfort from pain, for nurturing or
relief from stress," comparable to the alcoholic's purposeful use of alcohol.


Based on a 10-year research study of 1500 sexual addicts, Carnes has
estimated that about 8% of the total population of men in the US are sexually
addicted, and about 3% of women. That translates into over 15 million women and
men
who suffer from this problem.

In the two decades since Dr. Carnes' first book, a lot is now known about
sexual addiction. Many others are dispensing information through books, tapes,
TV, etc., and slowly specialized help for those who suffer from this condition
is growing. However, the general public, the media, and treatment professionals
are often still uneducated or misinformed.
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How It Begins

The beginnings of sexual addiction are usually rooted in adolescence or
childhood. For starters, the child often grows up in an abusive, chaotic,
hostile
or neglectful home. Or, the family may have been very normal otherwise, but the
child grows up emotionally starved for love because affection is rarely
expressed. The child may turn repeatedly to masturbation to escape the parents'
violent arguments, for instance, or to make up for an unconscious lack of
attention or affection. Masturbation can be a normal and natural part of
childhood,
but for the lonely, abused or rejected child can become a regular sedative,
much like marijuana, to hide the inner pain. Later, someone's pornography
collection discovered at home, or discarded porn magazines retrieved from a
dumpster
may be found to heighten the feelings of masturbating. And then a life-long
pattern of masturbating to pornographic images is set into motion. Gradually sex
becomes a replacement for other things, a convenient act to turn to in times
of any kind of need, from escaping boredom to feeling anxious, to being able
to go to sleep at night.

Or, the child may be introduced to sex in inappropriate ways. Instead of the
normal sexual experimentation that often takes place out of curiosity between
similar aged children at some point growing up, some children are introduced
to sex by some adult who uses them instead of another adult for their sexual
pleasure. Or the person introducing the child to sexual experiences may be
another child who is five or more years older, an older cousin, babysitter,
etc.,
where the sexual experience doesn't feel mutual. In these experiences there
often is a combination of natural curiosity, newfound pleasurable feelings and
the feelings of fear or shame. The fear and shame may be increased by threats
made by the older person to gain the child's cooperation or to prevent the child
from telling anyone about it).

A pattern may be established of seeking out similar experiences throughout
the person's life where there is a combination of sexual pleasure and fear or
shame. When the child grows up he may be turned on by sex in high risk
situations that unconsciously generate fear or in secretive circumstances that
feed on
shame. He becomes addicted to seeking these highs. (It is interesting to note
that the research of Dr. Patrick Carnes, the leading authority on sexual
addiction, has led him to estimate that about 60% of adult sex addicts were
sexually abused by someone during their childhood.)


Different Forms of Sex Addiction

Sexual addiction can take many different forms. The addict may be addicted
primarily to one behavior, such as sex with a prostitute, but generally uses a
variety of sexual behaviors. For example, consider the salesman who might watch
the dancers at a topless bar over a business lunch, have sex with a
prostitute from an escort service in his hotel room one night while on a
business trip,
return home and have sex with his wife while fantasizing about the sexual
massage he got last month, and masturbate while viewing pornographic images on
the Internet at one a.m. two days later. The list of the forms of sexual
addiction would be exhaustive and increases with addicts' need to find new ways
of
finding sexual thrills.

Here are some of the more usual forms of sexual addiction:

While at some time in their lives some people who are not sex addicts may
engage in one or more of the behaviors listed below, it becomes sexual addiction
when there is an irrestible need to repeat the behaviors and habits are
developed around them.

Compulsive masturbation--accompanied by mental images or thoughts about sex,
or while viewing sexual images on the TV or computer screen or while looking
at pornographic publications (or even while looking at non-sexual material,
such as underwear or swim wear ads).

Compulsive sex with prostitutes--this can be with female or male prostitutes
or transvestites (transvestites are usually men dressed as sexy women) at
thier place of business or dispatched to your location or picked up on the
street.


Anonymous sex with multiple partners, "one night stands" picked up at bars,
or sex with strangers in parks or restrooms, or sex in any number of anonymous
situations, where sex is the object and no relationship is established with
the person.

Multiple affairs simultaneousely or outside a committed relationship, or
serial relationships (one after the other).

Frequent patronizing of topless bars, modeling studios, sexually-oriented
tanning salons, adult bookstores or sexual massage establishments.

Habitual exhibitionism--exposing one's private body parts to unsuspecting
onlookers, either directly (by removing or opening clothing) or indirectly
through skimpy or revealing clothing. An example is the man who sits in his car
with
his fly unzipped and begins masturbating when someone appealing to him walks
by.

Habitual voyeurism--the so-called "peeping Tom," who finds sexual excitement
in forbidden secret looks into other people's privacy. Examples are: looking
into a neighbor's bathroom or bedroom window in hopes of seeing someone
disrobed, peering up shorts or skirts on the sligh, or looking through "glory
holes"
in restroom walls (strategically located holes in walls separating urinal or
toilet stalls).

Inappropriate sexual touching--touching someone for sexual excitement in a
manner that attempts to appear accidental, such as "accidentally" brushing up
against another person's breast or genitals in a crowd.

Repeated sexual abuse of children--an adult who engages children in sexual
activity, or an older child who engages much younger children sexually.

Episodes of rape--forcing another person to be sexual against his or her
will, like the obvious asssaultive rape by strangers one hears about in the
media,
or the more subtle form perpetrated by someone known to the victim (often
called "date rape").


Sex and Love Addiction

A distinction has been made between sex addiction and what is referred to as
sex and love addiction. The latter has to do with an addictive pattern of
establishing love relationships with specific people, where the person and the
relationship, as well as sex with the person, are all part of the appeal to the
addict. While these same elements are normal in a healthy love relationship,
sex and love addicts can never find fulfillment and permanence in any of the
love relationships they begin. They keep seeking satisfaction in another
relationship but eventually find it empty, insufficient, demanding, or
anxiety-provoking instead.

Sex and love addicts may have several love relationships with different
people going on at the same time or they may pass serially from one to the next,
leaving each when the initial "love high" wears off. Or they may have a major
love relationship, such as a marriage, complete with home, children and other
signs of permanence, but keep returning periodically to one or more former
relationships or create secret relationships with new people.

Sex addiction, by contrast, usually is a preoccupation with sexual arousal
and sexual release which often has little to do with who the person is and
requires no relationship. On the contrary, to the sex addict, what counts is the
charge he or she gets from the image, whether it's a stranger spotted in a car
or on a street corner, or stimulating body parts, an erotic picture, or the
addict's own fantasy.

Then there are many who exhibit the characteristics of both a sex addict and
a sex and love addict. Regardless of how it manifests, however, the addiction
progresses in much the same way, always leaving a trail of problems and
losses. And, by the same token, the solution to whatever form the addiction
takes,
the work to be done to change the behavior, is quite similar.



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