Self-Love and Narcissism

There are two important differences between healthy self-love and malignant
narcissism:

(a) in the ability to tell reality from fantasy, and (b) in the ability to
empathise and, indeed, to fully and maturely love others. As we said, the
narcissist possesses no self-love. It is because he has very little True Self to
love. Instead, a monstrous, malignant construct – the False Self –
encroaches
upon his True Self and devours it.

The narcissist loves an image which he projects unto others and which is
affirmed by them. The projected image is reflected back at the narcissist and,
thus, he comes to be reassured both of its existence and of the boundaries of
his
Ego. This continuous process blurs all distinctions between reality and
fantasy.

A False Self leads to false assumptions and to a contorted personal
narrative, a false worldview, and to a grandiose, inflated sense of being. The
latter
is rarely grounded in real achievements or merit. The narcissist’s feeling of
entitlement is all-pervasive, demanding and aggressive. It easily deteriorates
into open verbal, psychological and physical abuse of others. Maintaining
distinction between what we really are and what we dream of becoming, knowing
our
limits, our advantages and faults and having a sense of true, realistic
achievements in our life are of paramount importance in the establishment and
maintenance of our self-esteem, sense of self-worth and self-confidence. Reliant
as
he is on outside judgement – the narcissist feels miserably inferior and
dependent. He rebels against this degrading state of things by partly escaping
into
a world of make-belief, daydreaming, pretensions and delusions of grandeur.
The narcissist knows little about himself – and finds what he knows to be
unacceptable.

The second difference is even more important. Our experience of what it is
like to be human – our very humanness – depends largely on our self-
knowledge
and on our experience of our selves. In other words: only through being
himself and through experiencing his self – can a human being fully appreciate
the
humanness of others. The narcissist has precious little experience of his self.
Instead, he lives in an invented world, of his own design, where he is a
fictitious figure in a grandiose script. He, therefore, possesses no tools which
enable him to cope with other human beings, share their emotions, put himself
in their place (=empathise) and, of course, engage in the most demanding task
of inter-relating, love them. He just does not know what it means to be human.
He is a predator, rapaciously preying on others for the satisfaction of his
narcissistic cravings and appetites for admiration, adoration, applause,
affirmation and attention. Humans are Narcissistic Supply Sources and are (over-
or
de-) valued according to their evaluated contribution to this end.

Self-love is a precondition for the experience and expression of mature love.
One cannot truly love someone else if one does not first love one's True
Self. If we never loved ourselves – we never experienced unconditional love
and,
therefore, do not know how to love. If we keep living in a world of fantasy –
how will we notice the very real people around us who ask for our love and who
deserve it? The narcissist wants to love. In the rare moments of
self-awareness that he has he feels ego-dystonic (unhappy with his situation and
with his
relationships with others). 

This is his predicament: he is sentenced to eternal isolation precisely
because he needs people too much.

These internal agonizing conflicts lead the narcissist to hate his tormenting
self. As a form of self-punishment he then engages in self-destructive and
self-defeating behaviours.

We can classify these behavior patterns according to their underlying
motivation:

The Self-Punishing, Guilt-Purging Behaviours

These are intended to inflict punishment and to provide the punished party
with a feeling of instant relief.

This is very reminiscent of a compulsive-ritualistic behavior. The person
harbors guilt. It could be an "ancient" guilt, a "sexual" guilt (Freud), or a
"social" guilt. He internalized and introjected voices of meaningful others that
consistently and convincingly and from positions of authority informed him
that he is no good, guilty, deserving of punishment or retaliation, corrupt. His
life is thus transformed into an on-going trial. The constancy of this trial,
the never adjourning tribunal IS the punishment. It is Kafka's "trial":
meaningless, undecipherable, never-ending, leading to no verdict, subject to
mysterious and fluid laws and presided by capricious judges.

The Extracting Behaviours

People with Personality Disorders (PDs) are very afraid of real, mature,
intimacy. Intimacy is formed not only within a couple, but also in a workplace,
in
a neighbourhood, with friends, while collaborating on a project. Intimacy is
another word for emotional involvement, which is the result of interactions in
constant and predictable (safe) proximity. PDs interpret intimacy (not
DEPENDENCE, but intimacy) as strangulation, the snuffing of freedom, death in
installments. They are terrorized by it. The self-destructive and self-defeating
acts are intended to dismantle the very foundation of a successful relationship,
a career, a project, or a friendship. NPDs (narcissists), for instance, feel
elated and relieved after they unshackle these "chains". They feel they broke a
siege, that they are liberated, free at last.

The Default Behaviours

We are all afraid of new situations, new possibilities, new challenges, new
circumstances and new demands. Being healthy, being successful, getting
married, becoming a mother, or someone's boss – are often abrupt breaks with
the
past. Some self-defeating behaviors are intended to preserve the past, to
restore
it, to protect it from the winds of change, to inertially avoid opportunities.


Primitive Envy

Narcissists seek to avoid the pain of abandonment, or the death of loved
ones. Moreover, narcissists are terrified of ALL emotions lest they provoke the
cesspool of their negative feelings. Thus, the narcissist always strives to
destroy, or devalue the objects of his love. Narcissists experience this inner
conflict as pathological and primitive envy (the wish to eliminate the desired
object because it is also a source of frustration and pain).

But what happens when the object of the narcissist's affection and tenderness
- emotions much derided by him - is the narcissist himself?

The narcissist then "envies" his self. He seeks to destroy and devalue his
own self. He seeks to punish himself and to motivate others to punish him
("projective identification").

It is just one of the paradoxes of this disorder, a veritable mirror hall,
where nothing is what it seems to be. Love is reason for envy and destruction.
Self-love leads to self-annihilation and self-defeat. Welcome to the
narcissist's topsy-turvy universe.


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