Love Addiction

Love Addiction consists of three components: Romance, Relationship, and
Sexual Addiction.

Love addiction is often perceived to be "less serious" than other process
addictions (i.e., compulsive sexual addictions, eating disorders, or
self-harm/mutilation addictions). Perhaps because it sounds "softer."  In
reality, it is
extremely painful and can be very dangerous to both the addict and their
partners. Many abusive relationships, suicides, murders, stalking, rapes, and
other
crimes of passion have their roots in this addiction.  Our culture has
traditionally glorified love addiction with the notion that we fall in love and
live
"happily ever after." This ignores the groundwork that relationships require.
Many love relationships depicted in the media are really love addicted
relationships. (See Romeo and Juliet as an example - not a very happy ending,
huh?)  


Signs and Characteristics of Love Addiction:

Lack of nurturing and attention when young 

Feels isolated or detached unless chaos is present

Compartmentalization of relationships from other areas of life

Outer facade of "having it all together" to hide internal disintegration 

Mistakes intensity for intimacy (drama-driven relationships) 

Hidden Pain 

Seeks to avoid rejection and abandonment at any cost 

Afraid to trust anyone in a relationship 

Inner rage over lack of nurturing, early abandonment 

Depressed 

Highly manipulative and controlling of others
 
Perceives attraction, attachment, and sex as basic human needs, on a par with
food and water 

Sense of worthlessness without a relationship or partner 

Feels that a relationship makes one whole, or more of a man or woman 

Escalating tolerance for high-risk behavior 

Intense need to control self, others, circumstances 

Presence of other addictive or compulsive problems  

Insatiable appetite in area of difficulty (sex, love, or attachment/need). 

Uses others, sex & relationships to alter mood or relieve emotional pain 

Continual questioning of values and lifestyle 

Driven, desperate, frantic personality 

Confusion of sexual attraction with love ("Love" at first sight). 

Tendency to trade sexual activity for "love" or attachment
   
Existence of a secret "double life" or infidelities

Refusal to acknowledge existence of problem 

Defining out-of-control behavior as normal 

Defining "wants" as "needs" 

Tendency to run/leave one relationship for another.

Attempts to replace lost relationships with a new one immediately (inability
to be without a relationship.)

Many of these symptoms are also elements of codependency and intimacy
dysfunctions resulting from childhood abandonment, emotional, and/or sexual
abuse.
For this reason treatment and therapy for love addiction often includes trauma
recovery work. A love addict can be a victim but also an abuser since this type
of behavior can be hurtful, manipulative, controlling, and even rageful. 

If the things in the list above sound familiar to you I highly recommend Pia
Melody's book "Facing Love Addiction." Love addiction responds to treatment
and/or therapy with a practitioner knowledgeable in its effects and origins.
Several treatment centers now offer love addiction treatment.  A 12 step program
called SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous) can also be helpful. Another book
to try is John Moore's "Confusing Love with Obsession."

Recovery Website


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