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#6762 From: AZTerri@...
Date: Wed Dec 31, 2008 2:53 pm
Subject: Detaching and Dimensions of Relationships 		arizona_terri
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This Excerpt: Detaching and Dimensions of Relationships 
 
© 2006-7 Richard, 21CP Author and Publisher
 
Most people struggling with very unhealthy partners eventually come upon the concept of detaching. Unfortunately, detaching is something that is talked about a lot but not ever defined very well. Al-Anon is the mother of all detaching concepts, and Al-Anon advocates it without teaching how to do it, or even what it really is. This section is one of three in Tears in Healing that tries to put some flesh on those bones.
 
Detaching is critical if you are going to break free of a disordered relationships, because abusers constantly spin us into their reality and brutalize us emotionally, making it impossible for us to make balanced decisions. Detaching is a conscious decision to put an emotional buffer space between ourselves and the reality spin.
 
For most people in abusive relationships, we carry around with us two internal forces that tend to make us want to stay in the relationship. The first is a feeling of love for our partner. These feelings can persist and be very strong even when our partner doesn't give or show us love in return. I deal with this more deeply in In Love and Loving It - Or Not! The second is a feeling of responsibility and obligation to our partner, our family, and even others beyond that. Our disordered partners often work hard to build up this feeling of obligation, hoping it will keep us locked in despite the way they mistreat us.
 
Detaching is a way of giving us some freedom from the influence of a disordered partner, so that we can establish a clearer idea what we think is right and wrong. Unfortunately, there is a lot of myth around detaching, muddled and conflicting ideas which can be terribly confusing to people. Many people seem to get the impression that detaching is a kind of magic fix for relationships with seriously troubled people, and that somehow it can make a disastrous situation ok. But like anything else, there is a give and take, and while detaching can help you deal with a sick situation, you are giving something up.
 
Tears & Healing explores the emotional issues in being in, and getting out of, an abusive relationship. In Love and Loving It - Or Not! explains how and why we fall in love, what real love is, and explains how we make choices to escape from love that pulls us toward a hurtful partner. Meaning from Madness explains what motivates the disordered, how they distort reality and what the prospects for improvement are. Get all three together in a package and save. My fourth and favorite book is The Way of Respect. Based on the ancient Chinese Tao te Ching, it offers an intriguing and artful perspective on how to achieve respectful interactions, especially in leadership roles. There is also a package. that includes The Way of Respect.
 
NEW: Check out the new e-book edition of The Way of Respect,  the new e-book full pack and the ultimate full-quick-pack, which gets you all four of my books in both e-book and paperback editions. Also, in the near future I plan two new book packages: a Borderline Pack and a Sociopath Pack.
 
Detaching and Dimensions of Relationships
 
Well, talking about detaching seems to generate questions about whether it is possible to detach from someone while staying in the relationship. I thought about this, and I think this may be confusing just from lack of precise definition. I’ll try to split this hair a little finer. My belief is that detaching puts emotional distance between two people. When one person detaches because of significant harm being done by their partner, I believe this emotional distancing is also significant.
 
Detaching Interferes with Intimacy
 
One thing affected by detaching is intimacy. By that I mean trust, sharing of burdens, sharing of vulnerabilities, and mutual caring support. Let’s call these the characteristics of an intimate relationship.
 
There are many other dimensions of relationships. Living together is a very important one. Parenting children together is another big one. Sharing financial burdens is another. You can think of many more, I'm sure.
 
So one way to split this hair of detachment is by looking at the different effects it has on intimate relationships vs. the effects on other types of relationships. I believe that significant detaching will significantly impair the intimate relationship. However, it is quite possible to detach and still maintain other types of relationship, like living together, etc.
 
The important point to see here is that if you are married or have an exclusive non-married relationship, if you detach from your partner, you are (to some degree) blocking your sole source of that intimate trust, sharing of burdens, etc. You are essentially going on an emotional fast with respect to those things - things that in our culture ONLY come through that exclusive relationship. And while this might be something that helps correct problems or works out best in the long run, it is a state of deprivation that is harmful to you.
 
Other Relationship Dimensions Can Continue
 
Maintaining the other relationships: living together, co-parenting, etc, may help deal with other demands in life. These are reasonable concerns. But emotional deprivation is an insidious current that undermines our ability to be healthy and function well. So it must be seriously considered even when other life demands point toward maintaining the other relationship dimensions. Having a home and two parents and paying the bills is not much good if you become too distressed to do what you need to do in life. If you’re not convinced, go read On Changing Values (p. 117).
 
So again, my suggestion is to ask whether you are getting what you need to stay healthy and function well. If the answer is no, it’s probably time to consider what you can change to get those things.
 
© 2006-7 Richard, 21CP Author and Publisher
http://tearsandhealing.com/ 
 

HAPPY NEW YEAR!


"Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits!"
~Author Unknown





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#6758 From: AZTerri@...
Date: Tue Dec 30, 2008 7:09 pm
Subject: GAG ORDERS 		arizona_terri
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Gag Orders can be abused, can they not? By abusers, liars, con artists, et al?
 
 
 

HAPPY NEW YEAR!


"Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits!"
~Author Unknown







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#6757 From: "Ecard from AmericanGreetings.com" <AZTerri@...>
Date: Tue Dec 30, 2008 7:35 pm
Subject: Terri has sent you an ecard from AmericanGreetings.com 		arizona_terri
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Terri (azterri@...) has sent you an ecard.

To view your ecard, choose from the options below.

Click on the following link:
http://www.americangreetings.com/ecards/view.pd?i=481839248&m=1163&rr=y&source=a\
g999


For your security, if you'd prefer not to click on links within this email:
   1.  Type http://www.americangreetings.com/?source=ag999&rr=y into your web
browser
   2.  Locate the ecard pickup link in the upper right-hand corner of the page
   3.  Enter the following code --> 4818392481163


Please do not reply to this email.  To help resolve your issue or question, go
to:
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We have an extensive help center that may answer your questions, or you can
choose to email us from there.

To read about email protection, type
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Thank you!
Your friends at AmericanGreetings.com

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#6756 From: AZTerri@...
Date: Tue Dec 30, 2008 2:19 pm
Subject: Torment 		arizona_terri
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"I have been kept in a constant state of torment for almost a year now, because no authority will tell me that something was finally done about the evildoers involved in this CSA/EHRS matter..." - Terri




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#6754 From: AZTerri@...
Date: Sun Dec 28, 2008 1:11 am
Subject: Re: TO THE AGENCIES 		arizona_terri
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To the agencies: FBI, ADES, DOJ, AG, and APS:

You really need to put an end to all of this rigmarole; to the lies and manufactured excuses CSA has been telling and using in an effort to prevent anyone from listening to me and to cover up the malfeasance of Ms. Flores/other staff. 
 
You agencies doing nothing month after month after month but watching from the sidelines causes me further harm - when CSA has gotten away with inflicting severe damage to my life as it is. 
 
The only thing "dangerous" about me is my mouth; having the courage to speak up about CSA breaking the law - even though I was scared to death of Ms. Flores (and certain staff knew I was frightened of her, yet, they insisted time and again that I go back to her).
 
The only "delusion" I ever had was that when speaking up I'd be treated the victim of this depraved organization/program instead of the criminal.
 
The only "tale" anyone could sincerely think I've told is that all victims have rights. Not me. Not even the right to know what was done about my complaints or to seek restitution so I can live in peace and safety. 
 
Terri
 
 
In a message dated 12/27/2008 11:05:40 P.M. US Mountain Standard Tim, AZTerri@... writes:
To the agencies: FBI, ADES, DOJ, AG, and APS:

You really need to put an end to all of this rigmarole; to the lies and manufactured excuses CSA has been telling and using in an effort to prevent anyone from listening to me and to cover up the malfeasance of Ms. Flores/other staff. 
 
You agencies doing nothing month after month after month but watching from the sidelines causes me further harm - when CSA has gotten away with inflicting severe damage to my life as it is. 
 
The only thing "dangerous" about me is my mouth; having the courage to speak up about CSA breaking the law - even though I was scared to death of Ms. Flores (and certain staff knew I was frightened of her, yet, they insisted time and again that I go back to her).
 
The only "delusion" I ever had was that when speaking up I'd be treated the victim of this depraved organization/program instead of the criminal.
 
The only "tale" anyone could sincerely think I've told is that all victims have rights. Not me. Not even the right to know what was done about my complaints or to seek restitution so I can live in peace and safety. 
 
Terri
 



_,_._,___




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#6752 From: AZTerri@...
Date: Wed Dec 24, 2008 12:15 pm
Subject: SAFETY PLAN AND 50+ WAYS TO LEAVE AN ABUSER 		arizona_terri
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SAFETY PLAN AND 50+ WAYS TO LEAVE AN ABUSER
 
Targets planning to leave their abuser typically have few resources, are frightened, and feel guilty. Here are some general tips for those planning to leave and for those in danger! These are from DR Irene, myself, and other sources. If anyone wants to add something, please let me know:
 
 
 
GET INFORMED
 
The most informative site on Verbal Abuse is DR Irene's:
 
 

The most informative site on Codependency is Robert Burney's:
 
 
 
 
GET READING
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
*If you cannot afford to buy these books, you can find many of them for free at your local library. Remember, the more independent you learn to be from your abuser, the less power your abuser has over you.
 
 
 
GET THERAPY AND SUPPORT
 
Whenever possible enlist the help and support of family and friends, but don't expect them to "save" you for you. Only you can do this for yourself.
 
   
Call your local Domestic Violence Shelter and your State Department of Health for information on free counseling, support groups, and resources for reduced cost/free medication if need be (for depression, anxiety, and so on). Look for Domestic Violence Shelters and State Department of Health in your phone book, usually listed under the "Government" section.
 
*You can also often find this information by using a search engine (such as Yahoo at http://www.yahoo.com) and typing in the keywords: "department of health for the state of New York" or "domestic violence shelters in the state of Arizona" (minus the quotations and substituting your state for either).
 

Yahoo! Groups
 
Look for online codependency, verbal abuse, domestic violence, depression, and suicide informational and support groups by doing a search at http://groups.yahoo.com
 

End Verbal Abuse
 
 

Co-Dependents Anonymous
 
 

Depression Central
 
 
 
 
GET HELP FOR SUICIDAL IDEATION NOW!
 
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
 
 

Feeling Suicidal: Read this first!
 
 

Suicide and Suicide Prevention:
 
 

 
GET DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE NUMBERS AND RESOURCES
 
The National Domestic Violence Hotline is: 1-800-799-SAFE
 

The US Department of Agriculture website provides Domestic Violence information, including legal defense resources, and is located at:
 
 

The Feminist Majority Foundation offers a list of domestic violence and sexual assault resources:
 
 
*Sometimes this link doesn't work. If not, check their home page instead at http://www.feminist.org and then click the link on the right called "911 for Women").
 

Battered Men - The Hidden Side of Domestic Violence
 
 
 
 
GET PREPARED
 
Create a Safety Plan (see below).
 

Plan ahead financially. Do whatever you have to do to build up a nest egg. You deserve no less.
    
 
Have a place to live lined up. If you don't know anyone you can live with, contact your local welfare department for information and applications for free and low income housing, food stamps, financial aid, etc. for those with and without children (the welfare department can usually be found in your phone book under the "Government" section or in a search engine as outlined above).
 

Have a few shelters lined up. Know their numbers and addresses in the event you need to leave ASAP.
 
 
 
GET EDUCATED
 
Haven't worked in a long time and/or are disabled? Federal and state job training programs offer job/apprentice training, employment information, and work opportunities for displaced homemakers, those who are handicapped, minorities, et al. Contact your State Department of Human Resources or State Department of Labor for more information, which can usually be found in your phone book under the "Government" section. 
 
*You can also often find this information by using a search engine (such as Yahoo at http://www.yahoo.com) and typing in the keywords: "department of human resources for the state of New York" or "department of labor for the state of Arizona" (minus the quotations and substituting your state for either).
  
 
If at all able, return to school before leaving (or immediately after leaving) to increase your education and learn important job skills. Your local colleges offer information and applications for free grants, loans, and other financial aid.
 

US Department of Education
 
 
 
 
DO'S
 
Do drop the guilt for once and for all, and forever! Guilt is irrational, keeps you bound to the abuser, serves no good purpose, and is self-destructive. It is your job to take care of yourself. Dumping guilt is your first lesson.
 

Do remember that your abuser uses your sympathy against you to manipulate and control you! Get mad about what's been done to YOU, don't feel sorry for the abuser.
 

Do keep in mind that your abuser thrives on intimidation! Many abusers will fold once you stand up to them. Assert yourself whenever possible with NON physically violent abusers. If the abuser is physically violent do whatever you can to get out when alone or when being attacked, instead of standing up to or fighting him/her back.
 

Do focus on rebuilding your self-esteem and becoming more assertive. Begin with baby steps by finding a new hobby, joining a club to meet new friends, reading daily positive affirmations, exercising a little bit each week, taking a self-assertiveness training class, reading a book on boundary setting skills, saying "no" to non-threatening persons, and so on; whatever you can think of saying/doing that won't overwhelm you but will enable you to feel better about yourself and more courageous each and every day.
 

Do break the "I can't" habit. Targets tell themselves, "I can't..." for so long that oftentimes they don't even realize what they CAN do! If you've put up with abuse for this long, your strong enough to do anything you set your mind to. Any time you find yourself focusing on what you think you can't do, replace it with something you can do. There is always something you can say or do to make things better for yourself. Anything from taking a walk, to making that phone call to get treatment for depression, to going to a Domestic Violence support group meeting, to reading a self-help book, to saying, "I am a lovable person who deserves respect!" 
 
 
Do stop being an open book by feeling the need to explain everything and defend yourself. You don't owe your abuser explanations! (Do you get explanations?) You are an adult; start acting like one.
  
 
Do call the authorities for help if you fear for your safety. Likewise, it is illegal to block your exit! They can escort you out and put you in touch with shelters, if necessary. Call 911.  
 

Do contact your attorney, state authorities, or free legal aid services to find out your legal rights, responsibilities, and options. Knowledge is power! 
 
 
Do open your mouth. There's no need to protect your abuser's ugly secret. Tell the world what was done to you and why you left. 
  
 
Do document, document, document.   
 

Do keep any incriminating letters, messages on your phone machine, save emails, etc.   
 

Do advise your employer of the situation, and have your abuser turned away and phone calls blocked.  
 

Do ask police and telephone personnel what your options are if being harassed on the phone. Telephone harassment is illegal.
 

Do get an order of protection if you need one! If you've ever been hit, you need one. If you've been threatened, you need one. If your property has been damaged, you need one. Call your local police station if you're not sure. 
  
 
Do get caller ID.   
 

Do leave your possessions behind if you have to. Your possessions are less important than you are.  
 

Do use a court mediator or neutral third party for giving and receiving messages if there has to be some communication with the abuser due to children. 
 

Do get your backing in place (authorities, finances, emotional stuff, etc.) before you make your stand.
 
 
 
DONT'S
 
Do not warn your abuser that the moving truck will come by at 9 AM on Saturday morning! This is not a good idea. If you are serious about getting out, you are better off avoiding a confrontation. Leave without notice and when the abuser is out of the house. 
  
 
Do not verbally abuse or physically attack your abuser! This is not a good idea either. It lowers you to the abuser's level, and can even result in serious physical injury or death.
 

Do not make hollow threats about leaving in the hopes of getting the abuser to change. Very quickly, the abuser will pick up on this "trick" and it will prove completely ineffective (not to mention make you look weak).
 

Do not leave a forwarding address. Get an unlisted phone number. Change your e-mail address.  
 

Do not answer the phone, or just hang up, if the abuser calls you. If the phone rings again, hang up again. And again.
 

Do not talk to your abuser if you are frightened, don't want to, or if you feel you will weaken. Give yourself time to see things more clearly before you communicate - if you decide to ever communicate with him/her again at all.   
 

Do not ever, ever hide physical abuse. If you have bruises, call the police to document your wounds. Likewise with your family doctor. 
 
 
Do not ever forget: without treatment, abuse will get worse, not better...
 

*More valuable tips are included in the Personalized Safety Plan below
 
 

  
PERSONALIZED SAFETY PLAN
 
Below is a seven-step safety plan. Please take the time to print me up and fill it out with a friend, family member, or a target in need. Then keep it in a safe, hidden, but easily remembered and accessible place by only YOU. Even if you feel you will never need this information...
 

Step 1. Safety during violence.
 
I can use the following options:
 
a. If I decide to leave, I will________________________________________________ (See Your Safety Plan).
 
b. I can keep a bag ready and put it______________________ so I can leave quickly.
 
c. I can tell________________________________about the violence and have them call the police when violence erupts.
 
d. I can teach my children to use the telephone to call the police and the fire department.
 
e. I will use this word code________________________________for my children, friends, or family to call for help.
 
f. If I have to leave my home, I will go_________________________________________ (be prepared even if you think you will never have to leave).
 
g. I can teach these strategies to my children.
 
h. When an argument erupts, I will move to a safer room such as___________________________________________________________.
 
i. I will use my instincts, intuition, and judgment I will protect myself and my children until we are out of danger.
 
 
 
Step 2. Safety when getting ready to leave.
 
I can use the following strategies:
 
a. I will leave money and an extra set of keys with___________________________________________.
 
b. I will keep important documents and keys at_______________________________________________________.
 
c. I will open a savings account by this date___________________________________ to increase my independence.
 
d. Other things I can do to increase my independence are:_______________________________________________________________________
 
__________________________________________________________________________
 
e. The domestic violence hotline is _____________________.
 
f. The shelter's hotline is _________________________.
 
g. I will keep change for phone calls with me at ALL times. I know that if I use a telephone credit card, that the following month the telephone bill will tell the batterer who I called after I left. I will keep this information confidential by using a prepaid phone card, using a friend's telephone card, calling collect, or using change.
 
h. I will check with_________________________ and ______________________ to know who will let me stay with them or who will lend me money.
 
i. I can leave extra clothes with___________________________.
 
j. I will review my safety plan every ___________________(time frame) in order to plan the safest route. I will review the plan with
 
______________________________ (a friend, counselor or advocate).
 
k. I will rehearse the escape plan and practice it with my children.
 
 
 
Step 3. Safety At Home
 
I can use the following safety methods:
 
a. I can change the locks on my doors and windows as soon as possible.
 
b. I can replace wooden doors with steel doors.
 
c. I can install security systems- i.e., additional locks, window bars, poles to wedge against doors, electronic sensors, etc.
 
d. I can purchase rope ladders to be used for escape routes from the second floor.
 
e. I can install smoke detectors and buy fire extinguishers for each floor of my home.
 
f. I can install an outside lighting system that lights up when someone approaches my home.
 
g. I will teach my children how to use the phone to make collect calls to me and to ___________________________ (friend, family, minister) if my partner tried to take them.
 
h. I will tell the people who care for my children, who has permission to pick up my children. My partner is NOT allowed to. Inform the following people:
 
School_____________________________________
 
Day Care___________________________________
 
Babysitter_________________________________
 
Sunday School______________________________
 
Teacher____________________________________
 
And________________________________________
 
Others_____________________________________
 
i. I can tell my the following people that my partner no longer lives with me and that they should call the police if he is near my residence:
 
Neighbors___________________________________
 
Church Leaders______________________________
 
Friends_____________________________________
 
Others______________________________________
 
 
 
Step 4. Order of Protection
 
The following steps will help enforce the order of protection:
 
a. I will keep the protection order______________________(know the location/always keep it with you).
 
b. I will give my protection order to police departments in the areas that I visit my friends, family, where I live, and where I work.
 
c. If I visit other counties, I will register my protection order with those counties.
 
d. I can call the local domestic violence agency if I am not sure how to register my protection order with the police departments.
 
e. I will tell my employer, my church leader, my friends, my family and others that I have a protection order.
 
f. If my protection order gets destroyed, I know I can go to the County Courthouse and get another copy.
 
g. If my partner violates the protection order, I will call the police and report it. I will call my lawyer, my advocate, counselor, and/or tell the courts about the violation.
 
h. If the police do not help, I will call my advocate or my attorney AND I will file a complaint with the Chief of the Police Department.
 
i. I can file a private criminal complaint with the district judge in the jurisdiction that the violation took place or with the District Attorney. A domestic violence advocate will help me do this.
 
 
 
Step 5. Job and Public Safety
 
I can do the following:
 
a. I can tell my boss, security, and _______________ at work about this situation.
 
b. I can ask___________________________________ to help screen my phone calls.
 
c. When leaving work I can do the following: ___________________________________________________________________
 
___________________________________________________________________
 
___________________________________________________________________
 
d. When I am driving home from work and problems arise, I can_________________________________________________________________
 
____________________________________________________________________
 
____________________________________________________________________
 
e. If I use public transportation, I can_________________________________________________________________
 
____________________________________________________________________
 
____________________________________________________________________
 

f. I will shop at different grocery stores and shopping malls at different hours than I did when I was with my partner.
 
g. I will use a different bank and bank at different hours than I did when I was with my partner.
 
h. I can also do the following:_______________________________________________________________
 
 
 
Step 6. Drug and Alcohol Use.
 
I can enhance my safety if I do the following:
 
a. If I am going to use, I am going to do it in a safe place with people who understand the risk of violence and who are committed to my safety.
 
b. I can also_____________________________________________________________
 
c. If my partner is using, I can____________________________________________________________________
 
d. I can also___________________________________________________________________
 
e. To protect my children, I can____________________________________________________________________
 
_______________________________________________________________________
 
 
 
Step 7. Emotional Health
 
I can do the following:
 
a. If I feel depressed and ready to return to a potentially violent situation/ partner, I
 
can______________________________________________________________________
 
I can call _________________________________________________________________________
 
b. When I have to talk to my partner in person or on the phone, I can______________________________________________________________________
 
_________________________________________________________________________
 
_________________________________________________________________________
 
c. I will use "I can..." statements and I will be assertive with people.
 
d. I can tell myself "__________________________________________________________________________" when I feel people are trying to control or abuse me.
 
e. I can call the following people and/ or places for support:___________________________________________________________________
 
_________________________________________________________________________
 
f. Things I can do to make me feel stronger are:_____________________________________________________________________
 
_________________________________________________________________________
 
 
 
 

The world is a dangerous place to live, not because of the people who are evil,
but because of the people who don't do anything about it. - Albert Einstein

 



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#6751 From: AZTerri@...
Date: Wed Dec 24, 2008 12:08 pm
Subject: Holidays: A Time To Be Aware of Domestic Violence 		arizona_terri
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Holidays: A Time To Be Aware of Domestic Violence

 
 

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!


Frosty the Snowman was a fairytale they say
He was made of snow but the children know
How he came to life one day...
May all your dreams come true!





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#6750 From: AZTerri@...
Date: Wed Dec 24, 2008 12:00 pm
Subject: Re: ATTENTION EVERYONE 		arizona_terri
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I am also really curious as to how many other clients Ms. Flores has discriminated against with her gaslighting techniques? When I complained about what she was doing, staff kept trying to get me to back to her anyway! She wouldn't stop playing games, though, so all I could do was refuse to have anything at all to do with her all these years. It became a no-win situation. When I'd go to her for repairs, she'd gaslight. When I refused to go to her for repairs, staff would either just ignore me or give me the runaround. 
 
Terri

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!


Frosty the Snowman was a fairytale they say
He was made of snow but the children know
How he came to life one day...
May all your dreams come true!

 
In a message dated 12/23/2008 11:09:45 P.M. US Mountain Standard Tim, AZTerri@... writes:
And when I find out who's been blocking me from suing, I am having charges brought against them and/or suing the pants off them too! Really, the gall! I've just never heard of such a thing where a body is discriminated against by a program and they can't even get a lawyer to sue because some LAWBREAKER is interfering. I can only speculate it's CSA/EHRS because they don't want to pay the consequences for the destruction they've done to my life, and/or family because they'd be eager to profit off of someone else's misfortune and try to get money out of it for themselves. 

Terri
 
 
In a message dated 12/19/2008 8:30:11 P.M. US Mountain Standard Time, AZTerri@... writes:
While we are on the topic, this is the exact same attitude CSA had toward me: blame the victim. They may as well have just come right out and stated, "Well, if you hadn't answered the phone when Ms. Flores called you drunk, high, and/or with her prejudiced frame of mind then none of this ever would have happened to you!"

Terri
 

In a message dated 12/19/2008 8:18:15 P.M. US Mountain Standard Time, AZTerri@... writes:

Oh, in case anyone is wondering what was in that alleged e-mail my Aunt told me Tommy sent me (see below) - I guess we'll never know! She neglected to say, as she was too busy covering for Tommy by victim blaming.
 
An example of victim blaming is: let's say you are walking down the street and you are violently mugged. You immediately notice some man standing by, so you yell to him for help. Yet, all he does is idly watch the whole ordeal for four minutes. After the mugger runs off, you ask the witness, "Why didn't you call the police?", and he retorts, "Well, if you hadn't been walking so late at night you wouldn't have gotten mugged!" (instead of taking any responsibility for his inaction and/or providing any comfort or support). 
 
Anyway, I think it's safe to assume said e-mail did not include the BIG APOLOGY I so richly deserve from Tommy! Although by that juncture an apology would have been too late anyway...
 
Terri
 
In a message dated 12/19/2008 1:15:28 P.M. US Mountain Standard Time, AZTerri@... writes:
This Aunt also stated that she read some of my e-mails to Tommy about EHRS, but then acted like what EHRS did was nothing. She just suggested I find another program. I remember at the time thinking, "How could you possibly read some of my documentation and think the discrimination/fraud committed against me was no big deal? How dysfunctional can you be?"

Terri
 
In a message dated 12/19/2008 12:58:23 P.M. US Mountain Standard Tim, AZTerri@... writes:
Hi Folks!
 
Speaking of which, I really do miss the amount of volunteer work I used to do - I think it's important to contribute to society - but I am too distraught in general. Not only was my family not there for me regarding CSA/EHRS, some of them were very cold about it. The day I was evicted from my home and spoke with my Aunt Kris I tried to explain to her that her husband (my Uncle Tommy) didn't want to bother at all when I went to him for help with CSA/EHRS. To which she replied, firmly, "No...he sent you an e-mail..."
 
She was obviously referring to one he may have sent after I ceased reading them, so I interjected that I don't read his e-mails anymore. I haven't read one from him since he ignored me for however many months about CSA/EHRS and then made it clear he had no suggestions for anything. She wasn't compassionate in the least about how Tommy responded to me. She didn't even want to hear it. My family likes to put on a big show, even in front of each other, and can get extremely peeved to vindictive when anyone shatters their façade. So I expect if I contacted any of them now (which I have no intent to) they'd just be nasty to me.
 
Terri
 
 
In a message dated 12/17/2008 5:31:51 P.M. US Mountain Standard Time, AZTerri@... writes:
PS: And if this crisis ever concludes, so that I am no longer so physically sick and overwhelmed, I will be able to go back to spending one to three hours each day on moderating posts so that members can write to the groups again too! Thank you.

Terri
 
In a message dated 12/17/2008 4:59:45 P.M. US Mountain Standard Time, AZTerri@... writes:
Hi Folks!
 
I would like to take a moment to remind everyone that because of the (never ending!) crisis I've been compelled to endure by some villainous persons, I cannot be nearly as much help to members as they are accustomed. I.e., I know in the past I've assisted many targets in many ways off list, but for a time now the most I've been capable of overall is posting articles, links, numbers, etc. to the groups on the topics of verbal abuse and codependency (in addition to doing some much needed venting about my predicament).
 
So, please, do not be offended if you e-mail me off list and I am unable to get back with you right away - if at all. In the latter case I will do my best to address your concerns on list with the aforementioned kind of information instead. I do care about all of you and your own hardships (as well as victories!), and consistently have you all in my thoughts and prayers
 
Terri  
 


HAPPY HOLIDAYS!






Reply | Forward | Messages in this Topic (8)
#6749 From: AZTerri@...
Date: Wed Dec 24, 2008 1:10 am
Subject: ANGER MANAGEMENT WORKSHEETS 		arizona_terri
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ANGER MANAGEMENT WORKSHEETS
 
 
 
 

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!


Frosty the Snowman was a fairytale they say
He was made of snow but the children know
How he came to life one day...
May all your dreams come true!





Reply | Forward | Messages in this Topic (1)
#6748 From: AZTerri@...
Date: Wed Dec 24, 2008 1:09 am
Subject: Re: ATTENTION EVERYONE 		arizona_terri
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And when I find out who's been blocking me from suing, I am having charges brought against them and/or suing the pants off them too! Really, the gall! I've just never heard of such a thing where a body is discriminated against by a program and they can't even get a lawyer to sue because some LAWBREAKER is interfering. I can only speculate it's CSA/EHRS because they don't want to pay the consequences for the destruction they've done to my life, and/or family because they'd be eager to profit off of someone else's misfortune and try to get money out of it for themselves. 

Terri
 

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!


Frosty the Snowman was a fairytale they say
He was made of snow but the children know
How he came to life one day...
May all your dreams come true!

 
In a message dated 12/19/2008 8:30:11 P.M. US Mountain Standard Time, AZTerri@... writes:
While we are on the topic, this is the exact same attitude CSA had toward me: blame the victim. They may as well have just come right out and stated, "Well, if you hadn't answered the phone when Ms. Flores called you drunk, high, and/or with her prejudiced frame of mind then none of this ever would have happened to you!"

Terri
 

In a message dated 12/19/2008 8:18:15 P.M. US Mountain Standard Time, AZTerri@... writes:

Oh, in case anyone is wondering what was in that alleged e-mail my Aunt told me Tommy sent me (see below) - I guess we'll never know! She neglected to say, as she was too busy covering for Tommy by victim blaming.
 
An example of victim blaming is: let's say you are walking down the street and you are violently mugged. You immediately notice some man standing by, so you yell to him for help. Yet, all he does is idly watch the whole ordeal for four minutes. After the mugger runs off, you ask the witness, "Why didn't you call the police?", and he retorts, "Well, if you hadn't been walking so late at night you wouldn't have gotten mugged!" (instead of taking any responsibility for his inaction and/or providing any comfort or support). 
 
Anyway, I think it's safe to assume said e-mail did not include the BIG APOLOGY I so richly deserve from Tommy! Although by that juncture an apology would have been too late anyway...
 
Terri
 
In a message dated 12/19/2008 1:15:28 P.M. US Mountain Standard Time, AZTerri@... writes:
This Aunt also stated that she read some of my e-mails to Tommy about EHRS, but then acted like what EHRS did was nothing. She just suggested I find another program. I remember at the time thinking, "How could you possibly read some of my documentation and think the discrimination/fraud committed against me was no big deal? How dysfunctional can you be?"

Terri
 
In a message dated 12/19/2008 12:58:23 P.M. US Mountain Standard Tim, AZTerri@... writes:
Hi Folks!
 
Speaking of which, I really do miss the amount of volunteer work I used to do - I think it's important to contribute to society - but I am too distraught in general. Not only was my family not there for me regarding CSA/EHRS, some of them were very cold about it. The day I was evicted from my home and spoke with my Aunt Kris I tried to explain to her that her husband (my Uncle Tommy) didn't want to bother at all when I went to him for help with CSA/EHRS. To which she replied, firmly, "No...he sent you an e-mail..."
 
She was obviously referring to one he may have sent after I ceased reading them, so I interjected that I don't read his e-mails anymore. I haven't read one from him since he ignored me for however many months about CSA/EHRS and then made it clear he had no suggestions for anything. She wasn't compassionate in the least about how Tommy responded to me. She didn't even want to hear it. My family likes to put on a big show, even in front of each other, and can get extremely peeved to vindictive when anyone shatters their façade. So I expect if I contacted any of them now (which I have no intent to) they'd just be nasty to me.
 
Terri
 
 
In a message dated 12/17/2008 5:31:51 P.M. US Mountain Standard Time, AZTerri@... writes:
PS: And if this crisis ever concludes, so that I am no longer so physically sick and overwhelmed, I will be able to go back to spending one to three hours each day on moderating posts so that members can write to the groups again too! Thank you.

Terri
 
In a message dated 12/17/2008 4:59:45 P.M. US Mountain Standard Time, AZTerri@... writes:
Hi Folks!
 
I would like to take a moment to remind everyone that because of the (never ending!) crisis I've been compelled to endure by some villainous persons, I cannot be nearly as much help to members as they are accustomed. I.e., I know in the past I've assisted many targets in many ways off list, but for a time now the most I've been capable of overall is posting articles, links, numbers, etc. to the groups on the topics of verbal abuse and codependency (in addition to doing some much needed venting about my predicament).
 
So, please, do not be offended if you e-mail me off list and I am unable to get back with you right away - if at all. In the latter case I will do my best to address your concerns on list with the aforementioned kind of information instead. I do care about all of you and your own hardships (as well as victories!), and consistently have you all in my thoughts and prayers
 
Terri  
 


HAPPY HOLIDAYS!






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#6747 From: AZTerri@...
Date: Tue Dec 23, 2008 4:57 pm
Subject: My Grandmother 		arizona_terri
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My Grandmother was the classic codependent, but the Familial Matriarch nonetheless in my neighborhood when I was growing up. She oftentimes helped those who were down and out, especially unwanted and troubled teenagers, so there were plenty of neighborhood kids who called her Mom. I.e., "Thanks for the meal, Mom!"
 
She was the most moral person I've ever known. The type to walk miles (when she didn't have a car) to return change to a grocery store if they gave her too much money back, for example. She was also an interesting dichotomy between "properness" and "coolness." Meaning, on the one hand she was very well spoken, respectful, and groomed like a lady of means. Yet, she had a great sense of humor and could really let her hair down too; joking with us kids, "Hey, your Grandma's really HIP, isn't she!" We'd all laugh, "Yes, you are, Grandma!"
 
Grandmother was the primary one who taught me right from wrong, and kept the less than honorable family members in line. To use but one example: when my Aunt Kim would steal from me or my sister (she'd sometimes help herself to our piggy banks, clothes, jewelry, etc.) my Grandmother would chastise her and return our belongings. She kept an eye on other family members in this regard as well in an effort to protect the children. Likewise, Grandmother was frequently the motivator when a family member was in a crisis and all the other family members just didn't want to bother or get involved, "We all need to pitch in and help so-and-so out!" she'd insist.
 
Quite frankly, my family has always been dysfunctional but I noticed that since my Grandmother passed over they started acting like a bunch of unsupervised brats run amuck; as if they can just say and do whatever they want to others, no matter how hurtful or harmful. I am sure my Grandmother has been turning in her grave over how family has treated me regarding this CSA/EHRS ordeal. They've been cold, nasty, and unhelpful overall for years now - since this CSA/EHRS ordeal has been going on for years now - aside from a few family members granting me a loan to move back into my home which would cost me a lot less to pay back if they had helped me before being evicted when I first informed my Uncle Tommy that I was headed in that direction.  
 
I know she would have been there for me, supporting me, before the crisis CSA/EHRS put me in escalated to the degree it did in the first place. I really miss her. She was, in many ways, quite different from the rest of the family too. That's probably why I used to follow her around all the time as a child and try to emulate her positive virtues!
 
Terri
 

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!


Frosty the Snowman was a fairytale they say
He was made of snow but the children know
How he came to life one day...
May all your dreams come true!





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#6746 From: AZTerri@...
Date: Mon Dec 22, 2008 1:09 am
Subject: Molder and Scaly 		arizona_terri
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#6745 From: AZTerri@...
Date: Sun Dec 21, 2008 3:19 am
Subject: Have A Beautiful Sunday! 		arizona_terri
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"There is no need to go to India or anywhere else to find peace. You will find that deep place of silence right in your room, your garden or even your bathtub." - Elisabeth Kubler
 
 
Hi Folks!

Being with an abuser is stressful enough. Holidays are stressful enough. Put the two together and what do you have? Stress galore! Here is a relaxing video, and some tips on how to relax, for those who have the want or need to reduce their stress level! 
 
Terri
 
 
 
 
 
101 Relaxation Tips
 
Just try the ones that appeal to you!
Different things cause stress for different people
so different methods help reduce this.
 
 
Create a schedule

Don't procrastinate

Take breaks

Take a vacation

Talk to co-workers

Breathe

Walk

Run

Do Aerobics

Take a hot bubble bath

Do something for you each day

Smile

Laugh

Tell a joke

Call a friend

Meet a friend for a meal

Let someone help you

Learn to say, "NO"

Create goals and make a plan

Seek therapy

Journal

Yoga

Meditate 
 
Sing

Dance

Play an instrument

Play with your kids

Play with your pets

Doodle

Tighten all your muscles and then relax them

Cry

Vent

Get enough sleep

Eat well

Do something nice for someone

Read a book for fun

Kiss, hug, or cuddle

Listen to uplifting music

Get a massage/give yourself a massage

Make a list of all the good things in your life

Visualize you are in a peaceful place

Play a sport such as football, basketball or tennis

Light aromatherapy candles

Purchase essential oils for stress relief

Get a makeover

Take a nap

Smell some flowers

Go to a park

Take a moonlight walk with someone you care about

Remove yourself from the situation

Take control of a situation and do something to help the crisis

Reduce caffeine intake

Change thought patterns by forcing yourself to think of something
else when thinking of something that bothers you

Attend an event such as a concert

Call an old friend

Call a comforting relative

Rent a movie

Cook a good meal

Clean or organize

Make a silly face and take a picture  

Take vitamins

Drink water

Do Tai Chi

Listen to a motivational podcast or CD

Take herbs like Valerian and Kava

Ask your doctor about anti-anxiety medication

Reduce smoking

End drug abuse

Limit alcohol

Avoid stress triggers

Think positively

Change life situations

Create balance in your life

Treat medical problems

Do puzzles

Read something funny

Plan a nice evening for yourself

Go on a weekend getaway

Pray

Say a mantra

Watch a sunset

Go to a beach and listen to the waves

Take out a kayak or boat on a lake and explore

Take a drive through a scenic area 84

Go shopping

Avoid bad news

Drink some tea such as chamomile

Make new friends

Participate in a hobby

Don't take on too much you can't handle

Tell yourself that everything will be okay and you can do it

Hypnosis

Play hooky from work

Avoid toxic people or people who affect your life negatively

Have a glass of juice

Get a pet

Get into a hot tub

Have someone cater to you for a day

Redecorate your space

Look at pictures of happy times or people you love

Invite friends over for a small party and have the fun!
 
 
 
 

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!


Frosty the Snowman was a fairytale they say
He was made of snow but the children know
How he came to life one day...
May all your dreams come true!





Reply | Forward | Messages in this Topic (1)
#6743 From: "Ecard from AmericanGreetings.com" <AZTerri@...>
Date: Sat Dec 20, 2008 5:10 pm
Subject: Terri has sent you an ecard from AmericanGreetings.com 		arizona_terri
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Terri (azterri@...) has sent you an ecard.

To view your ecard, choose from the options below.

Click on the following link:
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browser
   2.  Locate the ecard pickup link in the upper right-hand corner of the page
   3.  Enter the following code --> 4794138031163


Please do not reply to this email.  To help resolve your issue or question, go
to:
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We have an extensive help center that may answer your questions, or you can
choose to email us from there.

To read about email protection, type
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Thank you!
Your friends at AmericanGreetings.com

Reply | Forward | Messages in this Topic (28)
#6742 From: AZTerri@...
Date: Fri Dec 19, 2008 10:36 pm
Subject: Why Do I Keep Falling For Creeps? 		arizona_terri
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by Dr. Irene

What follows is an abbreviated version of an advice request sent to "deardrirene:" 

"I met this guy at work.  Our first conversation he told me his life story. Something attracted me to him almost instantly.  Been there, done that, I know!  But I wasn't paying attention, and let him take me out.  We had wonderful times, dinner, dancing.  He complimented me on almost everything. We had a wonderful romance, unlike anything I had experienced.  I know, been there too!  He asked me to marry him one night.  It felt so perfect.  I had had so many bad relationships with verbally abusive or controlling men, I thought I certainly wouldn't be stupid enough not to see everything.  He begged me to move in with him, said he was buying me a carat diamond and it  would be ready soon.  I moved in.  

"The proverbial poo poo immediately hit the fan.  None of my things ever stayed on display!  He shoved a very expensive goose down comforter that I use every night in the back of a closet. He put away things I'd set down for just a minute. He started saying I was too focused on my career.  He said I was distant sometimes and I shut him out.  Then he said "the world doesn't revolve around you." He said I was selfish and inconsiderate.  He accused me of having mood swings and yelled "I'm not going to put up with it!" I cried, but the next day I packed my stuff and left, back to my apartment.  

"He begged, cried, said he had behaved badly and would not do it again.  I fell in love with this man, had wanted to marry him.  I moved back in.  One week later, I moved back out.  Did I learn my lesson at this point?  No, but I didn't move back in with him.  I told him that I wasn't  going to move right back in, but that I still wanted him.  He began a rampage of verbal assault - for two weeks.  He knew about my past and used it, out of context, to justify his behavior.  There were many other episodes but you get the picture.  

"On the phone one night I calmly told him, "I will not be judged by you this way, and whatever is in my past I survived it and made a better future for myself. I happen to like where I'm at."  He blew up.  I told him to leave me alone and go his way. He started calling me a control freak, etc., etc.   

"What gives with my love life?  I'm very attractive, educated, enjoy many things.  I am focused and self-disciplined, however and every man I've been with has resented me for it and made it seem like a fault.  Every man I've ever been with has said I don't love him enough and that I'm selfish for wanting what I want.  They have all verbally attacked me at one time or another.  I am wondering if strong women attract verbal abusers too.  But now, my problem is that I feel terrible.  I feel so NOT good about myself, so doubting of myself. How do I run into these guys time after time?"

No, you are not cursed; just somewhat codependent. You are complaining of a very, very common scenario. Nice girl meets controlling guy. (Or, nice guy meets controlling gal.) Your problem is so common in fact, that I may end up publishing this as an article rather than an email advice piece! Look for it... Either way, your details will be kept confidential. Here goes:
This person will wine and dine you; they will tell you they love you. You have met the perfect person, and you think you are in Heaven... But watch it, you are really on the doorstep of Hell.
You have hooked up with an individual who is in pain and who is looking for somebody to take their pain away. The objective: take care of me; love me; take away all my hurts - because that is your job. I don't have to worry about your emotions because this is all about me. Everybody else has messed up caring for me, so you'd better not - otherwise I'll hate you! It has never occurred to this person that it is their job to take care of themselves. Not a problem for the nice guy or gal, who is loving and giving, and really wants to take care of somebody they care about.
Even highly attractive, accomplished, apparently confident people - with just a hint of low self-esteem - are vulnerable. Because your caring traits are a virtual life-force for them, your ability to give is priceless. They will do anything it takes to win you over. Anybody who is even mildly low on the self-esteem scale is vulnerable.
So, if you think he (or she) is too good to be true, trust your instincts! A normal person is not so persistent, so involved, so flattering, so quick to fall in "love" with you. Also, watch what happens when you reciprocate emotionally: they find some reason to push you away! Your guy stuffed your comforter into the closet. Another may be cool and distant the morning after a passionate night.
This kind of "push and pull" or "on and off" behavior is characteristic of the controller, since they cannot really allow you too close. They think you have the power to destroy them - as well as to save them. You need to be kept at a comfortable distance. A normal person, who can take care of themselves emotionally, doesn't go here... There is not as much fear of closeness...
The fix: Trust your instincts more. Exercise more self-control. If something seems too good to be true, don't be too quick to trust it. At the first hint of controlling or abusive behavior, back off. Better yet, get out.

You have work to do. You are frightened of closeness yourself...

Advice: You deserve what you give. Find another giver and have a nice life.   
 


CHRISTMAS WISHES!

Frosty the Snowman was a fairytale they say
He was made of snow but the children know
How he came to life one day...
Your dreams can come true too!





Reply | Forward | Messages in this Topic (3)
#6741 From: AZTerri@...
Date: Fri Dec 19, 2008 10:29 pm
Subject: Re: ATTENTION EVERYONE 		arizona_terri
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While we are on the topic, this is the exact same attitude CSA had toward me: blame the victim. They may as well have just come right out and stated, "Well, if you hadn't answered the phone when Ms. Flores called you drunk, high, and/or with her prejudiced frame of mind then none of this ever would have happened to you!"

Terri
 


CHRISTMAS WISHES!

Frosty the Snowman was a fairytale they say
He was made of snow but the children know
How he came to life one day...
Your dreams can come true too!

 

In a message dated 12/19/2008 8:18:15 P.M. US Mountain Standard Time, AZTerri@... writes:
Oh, in case anyone is wondering what was in that alleged e-mail my Aunt told me Tommy sent me (see below) - I guess we'll never know! She neglected to say, as she was too busy covering for Tommy by victim blaming.
 
An example of victim blaming is: let's say you are walking down the street and you are violently mugged. You immediately notice some man standing by, so you yell to him for help. Yet, all he does is idly watch the whole ordeal for four minutes. After the mugger runs off, you ask the witness, "Why didn't you call the police?", and he retorts, "Well, if you hadn't been walking so late at night you wouldn't have gotten mugged!" (instead of taking any responsibility for his inaction and/or providing any comfort or support). 
 
Anyway, I think it's safe to assume said e-mail did not include the BIG APOLOGY I so richly deserve from Tommy! Although by that juncture an apology would have been too late anyway...
 
Terri
 
In a message dated 12/19/2008 1:15:28 P.M. US Mountain Standard Time, AZTerri@... writes:
This Aunt also stated that she read some of my e-mails to Tommy about EHRS, but then acted like what EHRS did was nothing. She just suggested I find another program. I remember at the time thinking, "How could you possibly read some of my documentation and think the discrimination/fraud committed against me was no big deal? How dysfunctional can you be?"

Terri
 
In a message dated 12/19/2008 12:58:23 P.M. US Mountain Standard Tim, AZTerri@... writes:
Hi Folks!
 
Speaking of which, I really do miss the amount of volunteer work I used to do - I think it's important to contribute to society - but I am too distraught in general. Not only was my family not there for me regarding CSA/EHRS, some of them were very cold about it. The day I was evicted from my home and spoke with my Aunt Kris I tried to explain to her that her husband (my Uncle Tommy) didn't want to bother at all when I went to him for help with CSA/EHRS. To which she replied, firmly, "No...he sent you an e-mail..."
 
She was obviously referring to one he may have sent after I ceased reading them, so I interjected that I don't read his e-mails anymore. I haven't read one from him since he ignored me for however many months about CSA/EHRS and then made it clear he had no suggestions for anything. She wasn't compassionate in the least about how Tommy responded to me. She didn't even want to hear it. My family likes to put on a big show, even in front of each other, and can get extremely peeved to vindictive when anyone shatters their façade. So I expect if I contacted any of them now (which I have no intent to) they'd just be nasty to me.
 
Terri
 
 
In a message dated 12/17/2008 5:31:51 P.M. US Mountain Standard Time, AZTerri@... writes:
PS: And if this crisis ever concludes, so that I am no longer so physically sick and overwhelmed, I will be able to go back to spending one to three hours each day on moderating posts so that members can write to the groups again too! Thank you.

Terri
 
In a message dated 12/17/2008 4:59:45 P.M. US Mountain Standard Time, AZTerri@... writes:
Hi Folks!
 
I would like to take a moment to remind everyone that because of the (never ending!) crisis I've been compelled to endure by some villainous persons, I cannot be nearly as much help to members as they are accustomed. I.e., I know in the past I've assisted many targets in many ways off list, but for a time now the most I've been capable of overall is posting articles, links, numbers, etc. to the groups on the topics of verbal abuse and codependency (in addition to doing some much needed venting about my predicament).
 
So, please, do not be offended if you e-mail me off list and I am unable to get back with you right away - if at all. In the latter case I will do my best to address your concerns on list with the aforementioned kind of information instead. I do care about all of you and your own hardships (as well as victories!), and consistently have you all in my thoughts and prayers
 
Terri  
 


HAPPY HOLIDAYS!









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#6737 From: AZTerri@...
Date: Fri Dec 19, 2008 12:49 pm
Subject: You Think That You Are So Special... 		arizona_terri
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You Think That You Are So Special...
 
...that it won't happen to you. He'll be different with you. 
 
Edited by Tavia
Written by Annesthesia
 
(In memory of the machinations of a borderline controller, with condolences to all the other women who came before (and will come after), and once thought THEY were special too...) 
 
You two have a "connection," a rapport that he didn't have with his ex. You have more things in common, similar personalities. He's pointed out all the ways that you two are so alike - it's just uncanny. You are so lucky to have met him at this point in your life. He says that he really appreciates you for who you are - and he's the first person to really do that, isn't he? Sure, he said the same things to *her* when he got together with her (and then grew to hate so many things about her), but it's different with you. He couldn't possibly be operating from scripts anymore. And it's so nice to finally have someone YOU can lean on, isn't it? It's hard being on your own, building a career, managing a household, and doing it all yourself. All of a sudden, here's this guy offering to help in ways that no one ever did. Knowing all the things you have been longing for and wanting in a partner. He couldn't possibly be hooking into your heart-felt desires and hurt places and pretending to be the answer, because he knows that's where you are vulnerable. He couldn't be pretending to like the things you like, and want the things you want, and be the person you have been looking for, because it's part of his patterns. Just because he did that with the women that came before you, doesn't mean he's doing that with you. He's really sincere this time. 
 
He's told you all his deep dark secrets (at least, all the ones he thinks can win him sympathy and attention). He's acknowledged how he behaved badly in the past (even though it was brought out by who he was with). You two must have a very special connection for him to be so open and "honest". And he seems to be remorseful, so that must mean he won't do that kind of thing again, right? Not with you. You're special. So what if he told his ex the same kinds of deep, dark secrets, opened up in the same way? So what if he exhibited the same kind of remorse for things he did to partners before HER? So what if he told her all the same sob stories and pretended to be working on his shit with her? So what if he lied to his therapist and others? He really means it this time, with you. 
 
He says things are going to be different with YOU. Even though he SAYS he accepts responsibility for his actions, he also says that it was really things in HER that brought out his bad behavior. He's not going to be like that with YOU. Sure, he said the same things to HER, but this time he'll be different, because he's told you how YOU are different from her. (So what if he's told other people how you remind him of HER? That doesn't mean he's following the same old patterns, targetting the same types of women. That doesn't mean that he'll be turn abusive with YOU at some point...) He's such a sweet, wonderful, helpful guy, it MUST have been something in HER that caused him to act badly, right? 
 
So what if he was busy cutting her down behind her back with their mutual friends while he was telling her she was the "best thing that ever happened to him", and that he had "never loved anyone as much as he loved her"? That doesn't mean he still has the capacity to be manipulative and dishonest and cruel. He was just confused, the poor man. And besides, he won't be like that anymore, with the right woman to love him and dote on him. She just didn't give him the kind of attention he really needed. But YOU will. So he'd NEVER do that to YOU. 
 
So what if it was less than a year after breaking off with his ex before he got together with you? It's not like an abuser should spend a few years in therapy, and work on his stuff before getting involved in another intimate relationship, right? I mean, after over 4 decades abuse and being an abuser, he can get himself fixed up enough to stop harming others in a just few months, with the right woman to rescue, er, "help" him. 
 
And those stories of how his ex-wife emotionally abandoned him... He's just had it so ROUGH all his life! He told you how she didn't even try to keep the marriage together or say that she wanted to try to salvage their relationship when he said he wanted to separate. She was just so unfeeling! The poor man - here he was trying so HARD and all - seeing a counsellor and everything! It couldn't possibly be that SHE was so emotionally beaten down by his behavior that she was RELIEVED when he wanted to leave... He couldn't have been emotionally abusive and dishonest with HER too! If his ex-wife didn't trust him, it had nothing to do with HIM and his behavior - it must have been HER issues. 
 
So what if he USED YOU to break a trust with a woman he was already seeing? It's not like they were actually *partners* or anything! She was just convenient for hurting his ex (he set her up really nicely to do that a couple of times), getting attention, an ego stroke, and occasional sex while he was waiting for the *right* woman to show up. Since you came along, he doesn't need her anymore. He's got YOU to feed his ego. And breaking her trust was a convenient way to ensure that he wouldn't have to bother with her anymore and could focus on YOU. He did it so carefully too. (He knows that it's the series of "gentle" cuts that leave the most stinking wounds.) That way, SHE would be the one saying she didn't want to have anything to do with HIM, and he could blame HER for why they can't still be friends. Isn't he clever? What a creative way to get rid of someone when they are no longer useful! 
 
And if this most recent woman doesn't want to see him anymore or even be friends with him, it must be because she is jealous of the wonderful relationship you and HE have! It must be because he dumped her for you, and she's just not big enough to accept that. It couldn't possibly have anything to do with the WAY he did things or tried to blame HER for his behavior. It couldn't have anything to do with him LYING to her and using her, and having a hidden agenda of expectations that he told her she just wasn't living up to. Nope. That would be his old M.O. playing out again, and he was a changed man by the time he met you. So it couldn't be THAT.

Besides, even if she deeply cared about him, he didn't have the same deep feelings for her, so that makes it ok to have sex with you, before talking to HER about it, right? He was just so TAKEN with you! Doesn't that just make you feel all . . . oh, I don't know - SPECIAL? She just wasn't long term partner material, and he made that clear to her anyway. If she knew he didn't have the same feelings, and was willing to continue to be used by him because she had fallen in love with him, who was HE to turn down that kind of attention and strokes? It's not like he had any responsibility to not take advantage of someone who was emotionally vulnerable or anything. And he broke things off with her eventually. He just didn't tell her about you and the sex stuff right away because he wanted to *protect* her from getting hurt. What a GREAT guy! See, he really did have amazing consideration for HER feelings! Withholding information isn't the same as LYING or anything. That's not dishonest, right? It couldn't possibly be that he was deliberately stringing her along until he was sure YOU were hooked. No. He's too sweet and charming and nice for that. He was just CONFUSED about his feelings, that's all. Besides, it's not like you two had UNPROTECTED sex before he told her about you, so that he could use you (the way he used HER) to break THAT trust as well... Even if he's BROKEN A SACRED TRUST THIS SAME WAY, SEVERAL TIMES BEFORE (with other partners and lovers), he wouldn't be repeating the same old abuse patterns with you. 
 
You're special. 
 
And even if he WAS being dishonest at the start of your relationship, he lied to someone ELSE. It's not like he was dishonest with YOU (that you know of, yet), so that makes it OK, right? (So what if ms-non-partner-material thought the same thing, and excused him, the first time she found out he was dishonest with her? This time, he will be different, because he really LOVES you.) 
 
Of course, he told you how his last sex partner said she didn't think it would last between you two (when he broke it off with her)... but he couldn't be using THAT as a ploy to hook you further (wanting to prove her wrong). So what if he used exactly the same line on each new mark in the past, telling the next one in line that the previous one didn't believe the two of you could last? He wouldn't be using LINES and PLOYS and subtle MANIPULATION on YOU...
 
Even if in his past, he DID say, "Some of the problems I bring about by vamping, pumping up the emotional content of a situation. Of course that's easy to do with a new friend. I have a stock of techniques and behaviors, tested. I'm also inventive ... so I pick up new techniques fairly quickly... It's just I'd rather enjoy the "romance". It comes naturally to me. I enjoy doing it. It's also a head trip for me, with my poor self esteem, to have someone so taken with me. I like the first results, the joyous feelings, the elation, the euphoria, just not where it leads."
 
... he couldn't possibly still have been doing that with her, or even YOU. He has REAL, deep feelings for you. You've even seen him cry and show his vulnerable side. That MUST mean he's sincere, right? He couldn't possibly be using YOU for an ego stroke. Not the man YOU know. 
 
He's just so caring and sensitive and considerate. He's so sweet, rubbing cream into your hands and feet at night, sending you little cards, reading to you in the afternoon, doing all those romantic things. He really does seem too good to be true - cooking, cleaning, intelligent, literate, creative, affectionate. So what if he was like that for the first year or so with her too... before the subtle patterns of abuse started to creep in? So what if all that "wonderful" behavior shifted until he was telling her he loved her one day and then telling others how horrible she was behind her back the next? He wouldn't do that to you too, down the road. She must have brought it out in him. He couldn't possibly be playing the same game over and over again, with you as the next target. All those wonderful things he has done - all the romantic things, all the ways he has helped out and called, and done things for you, they couldn't all be just scripts. "Stock Techniques" for hooking. No. This time, he's sincere. This time he'll be different, with you.
 
So what if he has been incapable of honesty and integrity all his life? So what if he actually admitted to his ex (just about the time you two met): "I am afraid of truth-tellers. I have so many lies in my past and present. The truth burns." That couldn't mean that he was telling lies to YOU. After all, he was so HONEST about his dishonesty so THAT'S got to count for something... It must mean he realizes his mistakes and won't make the same ones again, right? The fact that he acknowledges things is so CONVINCING. If he acknowledges it, then he couldn't possibly STILL do those sorts of things. Sure, sure. He had HER convinced too. But he couldn't possibly be STILL lying to YOU. You're special. 
 
So what if two of the other women he was involved with wound up in the psychiatric ward? So what if he "helped" a vulnerable friend by encouraging her to break her marriage vows, exacerbating her marital problems, and then abandoning her when she asked if he could be there for her? He needed an ego stroke and she was conveniently there and conveniently vulnerable from a death in the family. So what if he undermined his ex's support network and used a mentally ill woman's attraction to him to try and hurt her further? So what if he used and hurt a dying woman so that he could feel needed and in control? He was just being HELPFUL to all those women. Maybe he LIED to them, sometimes, but that was only to PROTECT the fragile little dears. He's SUCH a sensitive guy, you see. He couldn't POSSIBLY have been USING people for ego strokes. 
 
So what if he used and was abusive to his life-partner's children in order to get back at his her? Hurting and using kids is excusable, right? (After all, she must have deserved it. THEY must have deserved it. Right? Because he really DOES love kids... or at least, that's what he has said...) The guy YOU know could never be like that. And... well... even if he WAS, he's obviously changed. He's undergone a miraculous transformation in just one year. He's just shed ALL those abusive patterns and become a NEW man. He's going to be completely different, with you.
 
Yeah, sure, he might have done those kinds of things in the past, but the past is the past, right? It doesn't have any danger of repeating itself with you. Just because all those other women were "damaged", doesn't mean that he will someday be telling people how damaged YOU are... Not YOU. You're SPECIAL.
 
His love for you is so strong and your connection to each other is so different (at least, that's what he has told you, and you know you can trust him, right?), he wouldn't EVER do anything deliberately hurtful or malicious to YOU. He wouldn't undermine YOUR support network and use your friends to hurt YOU. He'd never make snide remarks about YOU behind your back and then make sure you found out about it. No no no. SHE must have brought that out in him. But you, you're special.
 
Besides, he's been in therapy. That must mean he's sincere, right? He wouldn't possibly be using the whole "therapy" thing as a cover-up to make himself look better because his reputation got damaged after the fiasco with his ex. He couldn't possibly be using contrition, and the "I feel so bad about myself"-line to get sympathy and support! He couldn't possibly be looking for a person to hook into that is in a different town so that she has less likelihood of finding out his past. He couldn't possibly be going after women who have a strong sense of personal responsibility because he knows how to manipulate that to try and get them to feel responsible for HIS sick feelings. He couldn't possibly be seeking out active, intelligent, dedicated women, so that he can PUNISH them when they don't direct all that energy to HIM. Just because he has engaged in such manipulative behavior in the past doesn't mean he would be doing that NOW. Not with YOU. You're SPECIAL. 
 
He's so contrite and sincere about "working on his issues", he couldn't possibly be lying about that. Just because he has a history pathological lying to himself and others, doesn't mean he'll be that way with you. Besides, if he has deceived himself so completely that HE doesn't know it's a lie, then he can't be held accountable for it, right? He can always claim that he doesn't have good "memory" for things in the past. But don't worry. He won't use that sort of deception and evasion with YOU. You're special. 
 
The poor guy just made bad choices before (you). Sure he made mistakes, but if most of his ex(s) don't want to have anything to do with him, and some now think he is mentally ill, it must be because THEY are unstable - I mean, look at how amazing and kind and charming he is with you... He couldn't possibly have been like that with them TOO... He wouldn't be using stock romance "lines" on YOU.
 
This time, it's REALLY love. You're Special. 
 
Sure, he did a *few* things in his past that were unkind, but he needs to be forgiven for HIS behavior, (after all, she drove him to it), but HER mistakes and reactions to his abuse, were unforgivable. But things will be different with you. He won't think YOUR mistakes are unforgivable. He won't apply a double-standard to YOU. He won't expect YOU to be perfect and subtlely criticize you when you don't measure up to his standards. You're the one who is going to change his life. And, of course, you keep your kitchen immaculate, so he'll have no reason to criticize THAT. 
 
And speaking of unforgivable, of COURSE he can't forgive her for doing things that *hurt* him (he's so deeply sensitive, you see) - but he couldn't possibly have lied about the things he said she did. He couldn't possibly have "set up" situations so he could cry foul... He wouldn't have ENCOURAGED her to do things so he could later claim that he was hurt by her... And, well, even if he DID, maybe do that, he certainly won't do it with YOU. You're too special for that. Any time he tells you he's happy for you and he encourages you to do something, he'll REALLY mean it, with YOU. He won't create a revisionist fantasy of your past so that he can insist you did things to hurt him as a justification for his cruelty to you. He won't secretly resent you for not devoting all your time to him. Even if he DID do that with her, he won't do it with you. Especially after he makes all those sacrifices and moves in with you. He won't secretly be dependent on YOU for all his attention. He won't be more demanding of you and your time and resent you when you don't give it all to him. Not THIS time. You're SPECIAL. 
 
He's such a nice guy, he won't "help" you (especially unsolicited) and then have an unstated hidden agenda like he did with all the others. He's going to claim his right to be "selfish" now, because he's been so USED from all the excessive GIVING he did in the past that nobody really appreciated. The poor guy. He's never taken time to be selfish in the past - not even when he was sitting alone in his room, sucking off his hurts, or using other people. That wasn't selfish - that was just "acting out". But he's better now. Don't worry. He won't use his new-found right to be "selfish" against YOU. No. He really is a changed man, with you. With you he will give unconditionally. 
 
It's no WONDER he behaved so badly! Look at how his ex was always hurting him, oppressing him with her refusal to live her life solely for him, expecting him to be honest with his feelings and actions, when he just wasn't ready. And besides, he just can't handle confrontation, you know? And like, she's just so SCARY when she's upset (it's just so unbeCOMing when women display any anger!) that he HAD to act that way. She actually raised her voice at times! Can you imagine? He had this abusive childhood, so nobody else is allowed to have anger except HIM. Because, like, he can't DEAL with it, and he shouldn't be expected to! He couldn't possibly have been projecting HIS issues on her so that someone else could have his anger FOR him, or so that he could get angry with someone other than himself! He couldn't possibly have been DELIBERATELY hitting all her hot buttons to hurt and upset her so he could lay blame. And, well, even if he DID do that for years, he won't do it anymore, with you. 
 
And if somehow you accidentally do things that "trigger" his old abuse patterns, he'll be so sweet in telling you how you are doing things that remind him of her, so that YOU can change YOUR behavior. After all, you wouldn't want him to start acting abusive again because of something YOU did.
 
And you don't have to worry about that, because you'll never get upset with him, and you'll never challenge him to be honest or to accept responsibility for his actions. SHE did that, and it was "controlling," but it'll be different with you, because you know better. And you won't need to worry about calling him on his behavior anyway, because he'll NEVER lie to YOU. He'll always be completely honest and upfront with you. He won't have to "forget" any promises he made to YOU. If he is inconsiderate, it won't be DELIBERATE, with you. If he lied to her or anyone else, it was because they drove him to it. With you, he won't withhold information, or distort the truth. He won't break fundamental relationship agreements with YOU. He won't HAVE to, because you'll be right there validating him 24/7, supporting him and telling him how he's so CLEVER and BRAVE to have escaped such a horrible relationship, and how wonderful it is that he is working so HARD to overcome his terrible past! 
 
And it's a good thing he's not going to do any of those things he might have done in the past, because then you won't have to worry about forgiving him. You see, she REPEATEDLY forgave him for the lies and the accidentally-on-purpose "mistakes", and all that did was make him feel bad about himself - that she could forgive and he couldn't. Wasn't that AWFUL of her to make him feel so bad that way? So she DESERVED to be punished even more. And she should NEVER have shown any guilt when he manipulated her. It just caused him to hurt her more. He told her it was "like blood in the water for sharks" for him. She should have known better. YOU know better. But then, he won't be manipulative and passive-aggressive with YOU. 
 
He'll be different with you. You're SPECIAL. 
 
And sure he made her work at the relationship when he wasn't really trying, but that wasn't being dishonest - he just didn't know what he really wanted, so that made it OK to put the burden of the relationship responsibility on her. Sure he admitted that he wanted her to make him the first priority in HER life, but he wasn't willing to afford her the same consideration. But that wasn't one of his patterns. He won't do that with YOU. Besides, he admitted his dishonest behavior after they broke up, so that makes it ok. It erases everything. His slate's clean. He even said he was sorry, months later, so that shows how sincere he was. He couldn't possibly still have been interlacing the apology with blame. He's not STILL acting manipulative and projecting issues.... and well, if he is, he's only doing that with HER because of their history - he wouldn't do that with YOU. 
 
And it's so sweet how he still talks about how much he cared for his ex, how much he did for her out of love. Sometimes, he even talks fondly of his treasured memories of her, of how she "helped" him (when she wasn't hurting him, the witch) - that must mean he's a deep, sensitive guy, right? Maybe you can even "help" him to forgive her and heal from his terrible past... Just like SHE thought she could "help" him...
 
And besides, he did so many NICE things for her and all those other women. That should count for SOMETHING, right? It's not like he was emotionally abusive or manipulative ALL the time. So it kind of cancels things out, right? It's not like he HIT anyone or anything. At least the things he did didn't leave any VISIBLE marks. Besides, he probably just made honest mistakes, that's all. He couldn't have actually got off on seeing them hurt and crying. He wouldn't have LAUGHED condescendingly in someone's face while she was crying. Not the man YOU are involved with. HE certainly doesn't remember doing anything like that - and HIS memory is inviolate.
 
Even if he HAS been emotionally abusive and dishonest with others, he's going to be different with you. Especially after you two move intogether. It IS especially hard on him having a long-distance relationship. He wouldn't be talking about how hard it is to keep up the intensity and connectedness over such a distance. He wouldn't be implying that the relationship might not last if you don't move in together... He wouldn't have some kind of hidden agenda around that. He wouldn't be trying to subtley manipulate you, and get you worried about losing him, like he did with the others. He just REALLY CARES for you, and really wants the two of you to be together. 
 
He's told you how different he feels with YOU. How different he IS with you. How healing your love is. How much he NEEDS you. What a wonderful person he thinks you are. How important you are in his life. How much he values and appreciates you, and misses you when you are not together. How amazingly transformed he feels now that he has finally met someone as SPECIAL as YOU. 
 
So what if he told her the same things? He really MEANS it this time, with you.
 
He's a changed person, (this time, for REAL) with you. You're special. 
 
You don't need to talk to any of his ex's to find out what he was REALLY like, because the past is the past, right? You couldn't possibly learn anything from their experiences, because he's not going to be like that anymore. It couldn't possibly be that they have anything valid to say. Besides, you trust him to tell you the WHOLE TRUTH about his past (as far as he can "remember" it), right? 
 
And he's such a sensitive, caring guy, he REALLY does wish he and his ex could be FRIENDS now. Even though he NEVER ONCE called her or emailed her and said, "Listen, I don't want it to end like this. Can we please talk?" (Even when he was still living downstairs. Even when she was in tears, begging him to *please* leave. NEVER ONCE.) SHE is the one to blame for all the bad feelings. It was HER responsibility to rectify things with HIM. And he can't understand why she would have NO desire to have any contact with him, NO desire to have anything to do with him - after all he did for her, after what they had. After all, SHE is the one who did unforgivable things. He's so uncomfortable around her now, because of how much she hurt him. He wouldn't STILL be projecting HIS issues on her, and implying that they are HER issues... After all, he's a changed man. 
 
But you don't have to worry. He won't PUBLICLY divulge YOUR insecurities or deeply intimate things you told him in confidence - he won't betray your trust - like he did with her. No matter what happens between you and him, you'll ALWAYS BE FRIENDS. You and he will always be able to work things out. So what if he said EXACTLY THE SAME THING TO HER (and all the others) too? It'll be different with you. You're special. 
 
He won't wait a year or two before he starts in on YOU. He won't then use his knowledge of YOUR insecurities and emotional hot buttons to deliberately hurt YOU. He won't start using psychological warfare to couch his deliberately hurtful actions in social plausibility with YOU. He won't flirt with your close friends and use any attraction they might have to him, against YOU. NO. He won't tell you that you just weren't meeting his needs or living up to his expectations. He won't expect you to read his mind. He won't try to make it look like YOU are the reason he is unhappy, and YOU are the cause of your relationship problems. He won't set you up to get upset with him so that YOU are the one who breaks it off with him, (or you get so angry with him that he HAS to break it off with YOU) and HE looks like a martyr (AGAIN). So what if he made all the same promises to her? Just because he was following some of his old patterns when he got involved with you, doesn't mean he's going to follow through on the rest of them. He's CHANGED now. 
 
You're special. Just like SHE was when he was with HER. Just like they ALL thought they were. 
 
He's so sensitive and compassionate, he couldn't have talked coldly to them about killing animals or wanting to break someone's legs. No. Not the man YOU know. He's different with YOU.
 
And when he starts telling you how much he MISSES his adult son, it won't be to deflect, and distract you from being upset with him because he has just said or done something really inconsiderate or unkind. It won't be to evoke sympathy from you and get you thinking what a wonderful, caring parent he is. Just because he lived less than a mile away from his son and hardly ever SAW him doesn't mean that the "missing" monologue is for attention and redirection. 
 
He's so nice right now, so supportive. So what if he was that way with her too at the beginning? He won't revert back to his headgames of praising and encouraging one minute and subtlely criticizing how you keep the house, the way you do things, things you say, in the next. He wouldn't yank YOUR chain like that. 
 
He's so attentive right now, so interested in everything you say and do! He won't turn around one day and tell you he's NOT INTERESTED in the things that interest you, and then accuse you of not paying enough attention to HIM. He won't get mopey and upset because you get more attention than he does at social functions. He won't resent you for your charisma. Just because he did that before doesn't mean he's going to do it again with YOU. As long as you make sure HE is the center of attention, and he's getting his ego stroked, he probably won't get nasty with you... Right? It couldn't be that he is a bottomless pit, and that you can NEVER give him enough attention. Not the man YOU know. Not with YOU. You're special. 
 
And the fact that another woman's experience was so terrible with him, his distortions and multiple personalities so devastating that she felt compelled to warn other people about him and the "type" of abuser he is - well that's no consequence. It must have been *her* that brought it out in him. He's so different now that he's found YOU and your healing love. So what if he said the same kinds of things to her? You are going to ignore those nagging little doubts in the back of your mind, because you want to believe so badly in the sweet, helpful, romantic person he is portraying right now. You don't want to believe there is a dark malicious side to him that enjoys seeing others suffer. You want to believe you are special, and he is right there encouraging you, building you up, telling you how nobody understands him the way YOU do. He's telling you that he just wants to stop feeling BAD about himself (and she made him feel that way, the witch!). He's telling you that if he can't make it work with you, he's afraid he can't make it with ANYONE... It's so tragic... (Yeah, he said that to her too, but so what?) 
 
YOU are the one who can "fix" his wounded ego. Your relationship with him will be So Much Better than his last ones, because you're special! With you, he'll be honest and straight-forward for the first time in his life. He won't become cruel or passive-aggressive. He won't play headgames anymore. He'll stop using and discarding people like old kleenex. He won't be rude or unkind or disrespectful like he was with those other women. HE LOVES YOU SO MUCH, HE'S NOW A CHANGED MAN. (Changed for the better, of course.) Not because of therapy. Not because he's removed himself from relationships and taken some serious time to get his shit together. Not because he REALLY apologized (without interlacing it with blame) to anyone he harmed in the past, or made amends. Not because he's done any REAL work. Not because he's actually admitted to his real motivations, or made a single sincere change. 
 
He just needed to find the RIGHT woman to "save" him from himself and "help" him become a better man, and that's YOU. 
 
You just KNOW he'll be different with you. Right?
 
 
"Next to a circus, there ain't nothing that packs up
and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit."
- Frank McKinney Hubbard
 




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#6735 From: AZTerri@...
Date: Thu Dec 18, 2008 9:12 pm
Subject: Re: IT'S ALL A COVER-UP! 		arizona_terri
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I also contacted SSA (Social Security Administration) and told them that "...no state/government agency I've contacted will do anything about this matter; causing me so much additional anguish I may have to go back on disability!"
 
Terri
 



MERRY CHRISTMAS!

He sees you when you're sleeping.
He knows when you're awake.
He knows if you've been bad or good,
So be good for goodness sake!
Uncle Sam...er, I mean...
Santa Claus is coming to town!

 
In a message dated 12/18/2008 7:02:43 P.M. US Mountain Standard Time, AZTerri writes:
This is an excerpt from what I sent to the FBI (with names abbreviated). They didn't answer me, nor offer me any protection whatsoever:
 
"I would like to report the following individuals: (Ms. Flores) of CSA/EHRS...It is my opinion that Ms. Flores has been discriminating against me and/or committing fraud for years now; making it very difficult to impossible for me to get certain repairs done. In the past she behaved as if she was drunk or high during a conversation (she made odd comments to me), and she has fabricated things about me as well. All of this resulted in me being injured. She's obviously in need of substance abuse or psychiatric treatment...Please help. Thank you..."
 
Terri
 
In a message dated 12/18/2008 8:27:25 A.M. US Mountain Standard Time, AZTerri@... writes:
Sorry, was in a hurry earlier. I meant to write that this was my response to the Vice President after she stated that they were going to set up a meeting with me.

Terri 
 
In a message dated 12/18/2008 7:52:17 A.M. US Mountain Standard Time, AZTerri@... writes:
Here's my response to the Vice President after she stated that meeting with me would be necessary (I also sent this response to the other Vice President, the President/CEO, and Mr. Blank). I was concerned that the defective compressor EHRS installed years back was going to go on me before I'd be able to attend any meeting anyway (RE: Policies and Procedures Date: 7/1/2008):
 
"Hi (Ms. Vice President)!
 
You mean if I am not hospitalized, in a shelter, or dead from the heat by then? All you people need to do is remedy this long-standing compressor matter. Otherwise, the only way I'd have a meeting with any of you would be if I had my own attorney and witness present. Considering some of you just make things up to and about me, it wouldn't be safe for me to meet with any of you alone. Thank you.
 
Terri"
 
I was afraid of going all by myself, especially since I didn't know if Ms. Flores was going to decide to pop into the meeting or not. I even sent an e-mail to my Uncle Tommy on 7/25/2007:
 
"I want to know if I can take a restraining order or some kind of PO out against (Ms. Flores) of CSA?" and "I am starting to get really frightened," etc. He never answered.
 
Terri

 
In a message dated 12/17/2008 10:31:21 P.M. US Mountain Standard Tim, AZTerri@... writes:
Here are two cut-n-paste e-mails the Vice President of CSA (referenced to further down) sent me on 7/1/2008 (Subject: RE: Policies and Procedures) about needing to have a meeting with me (identifying names have been altered):
 
"Terri,
 
(Mr. So-And-So) from CSA will be sending you an e-mail with in the next day or two to set-up a meeting to discuss your concerns, and determine if we can collectively come to a resolution.   In addition, (Ms. Funding Source) from the City of Glendale will also be in attendance. 
 
Vice President, Director of Programs"
 
I said I'd only have a meeting with my own attorney/witness present. To which she replied:
 
"Okay.  (Mr. So-And-So) will contact you and then you can arrange to have your attorney or a witness present if that makes you more comfortable.  Meeting with you will be necessary to resolve the situation.  If you decline our offer there is not much more I can do.
 
Vice President, Director of Programs"
 
In a message dated 12/5/2008 10:11:46 A.M. US Mountain Standard Time, AZTerri@... writes:
Oh, one of the main reasons I contacted CSA/EHRS as outlined below was because of problems with my compressor. It kept blowing hot hair during this past summer, more frequently and for longer durations than usual, and we were having a heat wave in my state. I am extremely heat sensitive and there were a few times I thought I was going to have a heart attack, seriously, because I was so afraid it had gone on me altogether. Needless to say, CSA/EHRS did nothing about this. They just kept making up different excuses.
 
I told the program very shortly after they installed the compressor years back that it wasn't working right but they just left it like that, despite me contacting the President/CEO (I think at the time he was the Vice President?) about it too. The only way I made it through this past summer was on a wing and a prayer!
 
Terri

 
In a message dated 12/5/2008 9:10:51 A.M. US Mountain Standard Time, AZTerri@... writes:
Hi Folks!
 
Well, my heater doesn't work right anymore but, of course, CSA/EHRS is not going to replace it. The last contact I had with the Vice President she wrote that Mr. So-And-So (someone I don't know at all) from CSA would be sending me an e-mail to set up a meeting to discuss my concerns, and determine if we can collectively come to a resolution. She added that meeting with me would be necessary to resolve the situation; that if I declined their offer there wasn't much more she could do.
 
To which I replied that the only way I'd have a meeting with any of them would be if I had my own attorney and witness present. Considering some of them just make things up to and about me, it wouldn't be safe for me to meet with any of them alone (they've never needed to have a meeting with me in the past in order to get repairs done).
 
At the time I thought to myself, "I can just see me attending this meeting and being polite, calm, and lucid and them turning right around afterward and declaring I was rude, aggressive, or delusional - considering some staff gave me the impression a long time ago that Ms. Flores told them I am a kook when I was nothing but clearheaded and respectful during my conversations with her! There's no way I am going to that meeting alone."
 
I was never able to attend any meeting with them, however, because no attorney will assist me! They act like they aren't allowed to get involved.
 
Terri 

 
In a message dated 12/4/2008 11:57:12 A.M. US Mountain Standard Time, AZTerri@... writes:
Hi Folks!
 
This all just makes me totally sick! If some bigwig involved in this matter is claiming that I am any of the below behind my back, does that not violate my rights? If they don't make their allegations to a person's face then how's that person supposed to know to get an attorney in order to protect themselves, uphold their legal rights, and refute the allegations? Not that I personally could get an attorney right now anyway since it would appear this bigwig is BLOCKING everyone from aiding me, which should be a violation of my rights too!
 
Additionally, I wrote in another post that I avoid people who act psychotic and are abusive/aggressive (they scare me). Choosing to personally avoid such persons is healthy, but this would be the solution of the bigwig? What I mean by this is: if someone was mentally ill, this bigwig's brilliant answer would be to inform that individual of nothing and tell everyone else to just ignore him/her, give him/her the runaround, or not assist him/her with anything = not get involved? It would not only be CRUEL for anyone in the system to treat a mentally ill person in such a manner, I would assume it would be a violation of their rights too! Even disabled persons have rights. How disgusting... 

Terri
 
 
In a message dated 12/3/2008 10:50:53 A.M. US Mountain Standard Time, AZTerri@... writes:
Oh, yeah:
 
5) I do NOT drink alcohol or use drugs either. 
 
Terri
 


In a message dated 12/2/2008 7:34:10 P.M. US Mountain Standard Time, AZTerri@... writes:
IT'S ALL A COVER-UP!
 
Hi Folks!
 
I've gone over all the logical possibilities for everyone treating me like a pariah since I spoke up about CSA's and EHRS's discrimination and/or fraud. No state/government agency I've reported CSA/EHRS will assist me (most won't even answer me; those who do won't mention CSA/EHRS by name, tell me what's been done about my complaints, or offer me any protection). No other program will assist me now. No attorney will assist me now.
 
1) I am NOT bipolar. As explained previously, I was mislabeled ages ago as having this disorder by ONE doctor. Following that, I insisted that another doctor write me down as bipolar because this is what the first doctor told me I had. Since then several others made it clear to me that I do not have, and never had, this disorder but was being abused by family.
 
More succinctly, I do not have any disorders which cause me to be psychotic, delusional, imagine things, hallucinate, ad nauseam. Quite the opposite, I am perfectly lucid.
 
2) I am NOT violent/dangerous. I have not tossed food, or even so much as a piece of paper, at anyone since I flung chili at my abusive ex almost ten years ago.
 
3) I NOT lying about the maltreatment Ms. Flores, and subsequently, CSA/EHRS inflicted upon me. I can back up the majority of my claims with written documentation (that of which, to date, no one has even requested).
 
4) I am the antithesis of prejudiced. I am a humanitarian, and for years now have helped targets of abuse of all races, religions, and gender.
 
Since I am not psychotic, not violent, not dangerous, not lying, and not a racist then there is only one explanation for how this entire tragedy has been handled:
 
 
IT'S ALL COVER-UP!
 
 
Additionally, I would not be surprised in the least if whomever is behind this is relishing in the fact that all of said has:
 
1) Cost me my health (i.e., caused me to have a nervous breakdown and suffer physical ailments).
 
2) Put my physical safety at risk; resulting in two injuries. 
 
3) Devastated my financial affairs (including ruining my credit).
 
4) Resulted in me being evicted from my home.
 
5) Made it very difficult for me to work.
 
6) Made me lose my trust in programs and my general sense of security.
 
7) Blocked me from getting any kind of aid from every source.
 
 
This is what happens when you have the courage to speak up about wrongdoers of the world!
 

 

,_._,___





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#6728 From: AZTerri@...
Date: Wed Dec 17, 2008 4:29 pm
Subject: Warm Fuzzies 4U 		arizona_terri
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MERRY CHRISTMAS!

He sees you when you're sleeping.
He knows when you're awake.
He knows if you've been bad or good,
So be good for goodness sake!
Uncle Sam...er, I mean...
Santa Claus is coming to town!

 





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#6727 From: AZTerri@...
Date: Wed Dec 17, 2008 4:23 pm
Subject: National Domestic Violence Hotline 		arizona_terri
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National Domestic Violence Hotline
For help, education, and more!
 
 



MERRY CHRISTMAS!

He sees you when you're sleeping.
He knows when you're awake.
He knows if you've been bad or good,
So be good for goodness sake!
Uncle Sam...er, I mean...
Santa Claus is coming to town!

 





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#6726 From: AZTerri@...
Date: Wed Dec 17, 2008 3:32 pm
Subject: Food for Christmas 		arizona_terri
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Hi Folks!

I know some of you are really struggling this holiday season, too, especially those who have more recently left or are in the process of leaving an abuser. You may need food now or for Christmas, for instance. In which case, you might want to try looking up food banks, emergency food delivery, food stamps, etc. in your local area via the phone book and online. For example, here is an organization which provides free food to qualified Wisconsin residents: Hunger Task Force. Some such organizations will even deliver to your home!
 
I hope that just because I have been venting about my absolutely horrendous experience with CSA/EHRS and being blackballed from some other state/government programs as a result of speaking up against them, that none of you are discouraged from seeking whatever kind of aid you require from programs yourself. There are many ethical, compassionate, and helpful programs out there. I think it's safe to say that my scenario is somewhat of an anomaly. 

Terri
 



MERRY CHRISTMAS!

He sees you when you're sleeping.
He knows when you're awake.
He knows if you've been bad or good,
So be good for goodness sake!
Uncle Sam...er, I mean...
Santa Claus is coming to town!

 





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#6723 From: AZTerri@...
Date: Tue Dec 16, 2008 4:40 pm
Subject: Dear Santa... 		arizona_terri
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Today I had to go out and buy a portable heater fan, even though I couldn't afford it at all. These days any time an appliance ceases to function I have to replace it myself as best as finances allow. E.g., my oven went so I had to buy a microwave/plus cab fare. My heater went so I had to buy a portable heater fan/plus cab fare. I've been sick so I had to buy all kinds of cold/flu meds/plus cab fare. And so on.
 
I have spent a small fortune for someone with my income, money which I desperately need for bills (like electric) and rent, all because I've been blackballed from programs/attorneys.
 
What I really want this Christmas is for the psychopathic miscreant(s) responsible for this blackballing to be charged with attempted murder. It is abundantly clear that they want me either homeless or deceased (same difference in enough instances). What more effective way to shut a "whistleblower" up than make her just disappear?
 
On a brighter note, Santa, I've managed to maintain my humor (to help me through the bad times) and self-respect (because I know I deserve to be treated like a HUMAN BEING with RIGHTS even when others refuse to do so). These are two things NO ONE will ever take away from me!
 
Holiday Wishes to you...
 
Terri



MERRY CHRISTMAS!

He sees you when you're sleeping.
He knows when you're awake.
He knows if you've been bad or good,
So be good for goodness sake!
Uncle Sam...er, I mean...
Santa Claus is coming to town!

   




Reply | Forward | Messages in this Topic (2)
#6722 From: CoDependents@yahoogroups.com
Date: Mon Dec 15, 2008 9:56 am
Subject: File - EMERGENCY LINKS AND NUMBERS! 		CoDependents@yahoogroups.com
Send Email Send Email
  
EMERGENCY LINKS AND NUMBERS RELATED TO VERBAL ABUSE, DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, SEXUAL
ASSAULT, SUICIDE, CODEPENDENCY, AND MORE

These *numbers and links are automatically sent by Yahoo! Groups to everyone
upon joining EVA and CoDependents, and every two weeks to the lists. Those who
have seen them already and do not need them yet again can just delete this post
every time it comes up. Also, please remember that a volume of articles can be
found on these same topics in the EVA archives at:

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse/messages/1?l=1


and CoDependents archives at:

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/CoDependents/messages/1?l=1


*I am not able to (repeatedly) check all the numbers and links I am given so,
please, if any of these are or do become invalid let me know ASAP! Thank you.


NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION LIFELINE

1-800-723-8255

(TTY) 1-800-799-4TTY (4889)

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/help/default.aspx


NATIVE AMERICAN SUICIDE HOTLINE
1-877-209-1266


SIOUX FALLS, SD
211 for the 211 HELP!Line
or (605) 339-HELP (4357)


NATIONAL HOTLINE
1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)


NATIONAL NUMBER
1-800-273-TALK (8255)


NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

(TTY) 1-800-787-3224


NATIONAL SEXUAL ASSAULT HOTLINE

1-800-656-HOPE


911 For Women: A list of resources for female targets of domestic violence.

http://www.aidv-usa.com/Resources.htm


MenWeb: For physically battered and verbally abused men; the hidden side of
domestic violence.

http://www.batteredmen.com/index.htm


WomensLaw.org: State-by-state legal information and resources for domestic
violence.

http://www.womenslaw.org/


Dr. Irene's Verbal Abuse (Site!): Women can be abusers, too, and in some unions
there are two abusers. Dr. Irene's site covers all types of abuse by men and
women as well as codependency, love addiction, and so much more!

http://drirene.com


BPD411.org: An Internet-based information service and support group. Their
purpose is to provide a safe environment for the education, healing and recovery
of persons who are in a relationship with someone who exhibits traits of
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Being involved with someone with BPD
traits is disorienting, painful and often damaging.

http://www.bpd411.org


Feeling Suicidal: If you are feeling suicidal now, please STOP long enough to
read this website. It will only take a few moments of your time!

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/


Suicide and Suicide Prevention: Authoritative, in-depth information about all
aspects of suicide and suicide prevention.

http://www.psycom.net/depression.central.suicide.html


DR Ivan's Depression Central: This site is Internet's central clearinghouse for
information on all types of depressive disorders and on the most effective
treatments for individuals suffering from all forms of depression.

http://www.psycom.net/depression.central.html


Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls by Robert Burney. Robert is an author
and codependence/grief counselor who assists with "Twelve Step Codependency
Recovery, Inner Child/Emotional Healing, and Dysfunctional Relationships." His
website has a volume of free information on said topics.

http://joy2meu.com/


Healing from Loss, Abandonment, and Fear: When we grow up with fear and shame we
become adults who live with fear and shame. Accompanying these intense feelings
is a pervasive, chronic sense of loss, ranging anywhere from serious to
profound. The sensation of this loss goes by various names--unhappiness,
hopelessness, depression, emptiness, insecurity, anxiety, boredom. Whatever the
words we use, these wounds have troubled our very spirit. We need to change our
course by putting the cause of our pain in its proper perspective.

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/Healing_from_Loss_Abandonment_and_Fear

Reply | Forward | Messages in this Topic (31)
#6721 From: AZTerri@...
Date: Sun Dec 14, 2008 11:18 am
Subject: Afraid to Be Alone? 		arizona_terri
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Afraid to Be Alone? This Article is For You!
 
"Love yourself first and everything else falls into line.. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world."---Lucille Ball
 
Many women don't leave abusive relationships because of one very real reason: fear of being single. It's sad that today society seems to imply that if a woman is alone she is undesirable and that she should feel incomplete without a man to define her and validate her existence.
But just because society tells women that you have to have a man to feel complete, doesn't mean you have to buy into that idea.
 
Being alone is a grand opportunity to do several things: to grow as a person, to open yourself up to meeting new, non-abusive people, to become more of who you are, to learn self acceptance, self forgiveness and to raise your self esteem. There are so many ways to learn self love while you are alone. First, you have to really recognize that being alone is nothing more than being single and being single doesn't mean you aren't desirable or that no one wants you, it just means you're in between relationships and you have a great chance to use this time to become a better, stronger person.If you don't learn how to enjoy your own company, you will be unhappy alone. Use this time to grow as a person. Feel the pain that you feel and accept that you must move through the pain to heal. Use this time wisely.
 
Use your alone time to do the following:
 
To treat yourself kindly, tenderly by treating yourself and rewarding yourself for all the good things you are and do
 
To do things that you thought before you could not do, such as getting a job or going to school or having new hobbies and new friends
 
To read books about self esteem, read books about abuse, learning how to spot abusers and how to avoid them, read books about how to heal
 
To begin going to therapy or going to a real life or online support group for abused women
 
To start a journal---this type of activity is a great way to explore your anger, your guilt or shame and a way to pat yourself on the back by writing good things about yourself. Self-talk is very important during the healing process
 
To cry. You need to feel the pain of loss (leaving someone always hurts, even if they were abusive). You need to feel the pain, accept it, and move through it to get to the next phase in your life.
 
To take care of your body, begin an exercise routine of some type, join a swimming, aerobic or yoga class
 
To take inventory of all the things you lost during the abuse and find ways to get them back (Things such as self esteem or maybe even friends you lost touch with)
 
Learning to Love Yourself
 
Learning to love yourself can be hard for victims of emotional abuse, because often the victim doesn't have high self esteem.
 
Steps to self-love:
 
1- Total self acceptance. Accepting who you are right now at this moment, totally and fully, allows you to gain the confidence and self love that it requires to change things you don't like about yourself, but first, you have to accept who you are, body, mind and soul.
 
2- Self forgiveness. Stop beating yourself up, telling yourself how stupid you were for loving an abuser or for staying with him for so long. Stop calling yourself stupid, stop beating yourself up with negative thinking on a daily basis, stop telling yourself you can't do this thing or that thing. And finally, forgive yourself for how much you have beat yourself up in the past and forgive yourself for staying with an abuser.
 
3- Self exploration. Write in a journal. This is so important to discovering what you feel and think about the past. Write it all down! And if you aren't comfortable having your thoughts on paper, write it then throw it away, but write it out. Also, do new things. Push yourself to do things you thought before you could not do, and pat yourself on the back for every new thing you accomplish, no matter how small it seems.
 
4- Positive self-talk. Tell yourself how great you are on a daily basis. Tell yourself, "Good job!" when you do something or say something right. Tell yourself "I can do it" when you go into a situation where you are challenged to do something you think you cannot do. Talk to yourself respectfully, never letting negative words or thoughts about yourself overcome you. Talk to yourself as you would a child.
 
5- Nurture yourself. Do things that will evolve you and make you feel good. Like in the list above: exercise, take long baths, buy yourself something new, take care of your skin and hair and wardrobe, allow yourself to be imperfect, get plenty of rest and take care for yourself inside and out.
 
6- Find others who value and respect you. If you surround yourself with positive people, people who are going somewhere in their lives, people who are positive and who respect both themselves and you, then you will find yourself feeling pretty good about yourself! You'll think, wow, look at all the really great friends around me, I'm really special!
 
7- Therapy. Seeing a therapist to learn how to love yourself and raise your self esteem is the best route to go for a former abuse victim. You can't have too much help. Get all the help you can get.
 
If you take an active role in discovering your inner strength, take an active role in enjoying your own company and raising your self esteem, soon, being alone won't be frightening at all. You will find that with loving yourself comes an inner joy that does not require a man to be around. Being alone with your thoughts can be scary if you don't love yourself, but learn to love yourself and soon, you will love your own company as much as you love being in a relationship! And you will be a healthier person which by the way, tends to attract healthy, non-abusive men! 
 
Lost Source
 



MERRY CHRISTMAS!

He sees you when you're sleeping.
He knows when you're awake.
He knows if you've been bad or good,
So be good for goodness sake!
Uncle Sam...er, I mean...
Santa Claus is coming to town!

 





Reply | Forward | Messages in this Topic (1)
#6720 From: AZTerri@...
Date: Sun Dec 14, 2008 11:17 am
Subject: Re: DOOR KNOB BOUNDARIES 		arizona_terri
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Hi Folks!
 
Sorry, the door knobs don't come up right in the archives but hopefully they will for those who receive the posts in e-mail!

Terri
 



MERRY CHRISTMAS!

He sees you when you're sleeping.
He knows when you're awake.
He knows if you've been bad or good,
So be good for goodness sake!
Uncle Sam...er, I mean...
Santa Claus is coming to town!

 
In a message dated 12/14/2008 9:14:22 A.M. US Mountain Standard Time, AZTerri@... writes:

DOOR KNOB BOUNDARIES


"Setting boundaries is about learning to take care of ourselves, no matter what happens, where we go, or who we're with.


Boundaries emerge from deep decisions about what we believe we deserve and don't deserve.


Boundaries emerge from belief that what we want and need, like and dislike, is important.


Boundaries emerge from a deeper sense of our personal rights, especially the right we have to take care of ourselves and to be ourselves.


Boundaries emerge as we learn to value, trust, and listen to ourselves.


The goal of having and setting boundaries isn't to build thick walls around ourselves. The purpose is to gain enough security and sense of self to get close to others without the threat of losing ourselves, smothering them, trespassing, or being invaded. Boundaries are the key to loving relationships.

When we have a sense of self, we'll be able to experience closeness and intimacy. We'll be able to love and to be loved.

Intimacy, play, and creativity require loss of control. Only when we have boundaries and know we can trust ourselves to enforce them and take care of ourselves, will we be able to let go enough to SOAR. These same activities help develop a sense of self, for it is through LOVE, PLAY, and CREATIVITY that we begin to understand who we are and become reassured we can trust ourselves. Having boundaries means having a self strong, NURTURED, HEALTHY and CONFIDENT enough to LET GO--and come back again INTACT."

From the book: "Beyond Codependency" by Melody Beattie

 

EGO BOUNDARIES

"Ego boundary is the internal strength by which a person has an ego barrier to guard his inner space. This is the means the individual uses to screen and interpret the outside world. It is also the structure a person uses to cope with, and modulate his/her interactions with the world."

From the book: "Bradshaw On The Family" by John Bradshaw

 

STRONG EGO BOUNDARIES

 __________
/ \
/ __ \
/ ___/ | \ Trust (Hope)
| | | Autonomy (Will Power)
| ___ | | Initiative (Purpose)
\ \__| / Industry (Competence)
\ /
\ /
\________/

The door knob is on the inside
of the door which enables the
setter of the boundaries to dictate
access gained. This is a safe and
appropriately protected reality
where ego boundaries are concerned.
A healthy functioning model.


WEAK EGO BOUNDARIES


 __________
/ \
/ \ __ Mistrust
( ) ___/ | Shame
| | ___ | Guilt
( ) \__| Inferiority
\ /
\ /
\________/

The door knob is on the outside
of the door which in essence gives
others free access as they see fit.
More or less open access to you with
weak ego boundaries. Less safety
than in the case of strong ego boundaries.


BROKEN EGO BOUNDARIES


 __________
/ \
/ \
( ) Confusion
| | Helplessness
( ) Powerlessness
\ /
\ /
\________/

When one has broken ego boundaries,
or essentially no ego boundaries then
one is like a house whose doors have
no knobs. Essentially then there are
no boundaries and there can be no sense
of control or safety from inside or outside.
This is a wide open and not so safe position
to be in. It is from here enmeshment can
easily occur and or the lines of individuation
between self and others may quickly get blurred.


When we have broken ego boundaries we often
have to call on other more mal-adaptive coping/
defense mechanisms to survive and we often are
not aware where we begin and end as opposed to
where others begin and end.



 
 
 
 
 
_,_._,___




Reply | Forward | Messages in this Topic (2)
#6719 From: AZTerri@...
Date: Sun Dec 14, 2008 11:13 am
Subject: DOOR KNOB BOUNDARIES 		arizona_terri
Offline Offline
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DOOR KNOB BOUNDARIES


"Setting boundaries is about learning to take care of ourselves, no matter what happens, where we go, or who we're with.


Boundaries emerge from deep decisions about what we believe we deserve and don't deserve.


Boundaries emerge from belief that what we want and need, like and dislike, is important.


Boundaries emerge from a deeper sense of our personal rights, especially the right we have to take care of ourselves and to be ourselves.


Boundaries emerge as we learn to value, trust, and listen to ourselves.


The goal of having and setting boundaries isn't to build thick walls around ourselves. The purpose is to gain enough security and sense of self to get close to others without the threat of losing ourselves, smothering them, trespassing, or being invaded. Boundaries are the key to loving relationships.

When we have a sense of self, we'll be able to experience closeness and intimacy. We'll be able to love and to be loved.

Intimacy, play, and creativity require loss of control. Only when we have boundaries and know we can trust ourselves to enforce them and take care of ourselves, will we be able to let go enough to SOAR. These same activities help develop a sense of self, for it is through LOVE, PLAY, and CREATIVITY that we begin to understand who we are and become reassured we can trust ourselves. Having boundaries means having a self strong, NURTURED, HEALTHY and CONFIDENT enough to LET GO--and come back again INTACT."

From the book: "Beyond Codependency" by Melody Beattie

 

EGO BOUNDARIES

"Ego boundary is the internal strength by which a person has an ego barrier to guard his inner space. This is the means the individual uses to screen and interpret the outside world. It is also the structure a person uses to cope with, and modulate his/her interactions with the world."

From the book: "Bradshaw On The Family" by John Bradshaw

 

STRONG EGO BOUNDARIES

 __________
/ \
/ __ \
/ ___/ | \ Trust (Hope)
| | | Autonomy (Will Power)
| ___ | | Initiative (Purpose)
\ \__| / Industry (Competence)
\ /
\ /
\________/

The door knob is on the inside
of the door which enables the
setter of the boundaries to dictate
access gained. This is a safe and
appropriately protected reality
where ego boundaries are concerned.
A healthy functioning model.


WEAK EGO BOUNDARIES


 __________
/ \
/ \ __ Mistrust
( ) ___/ | Shame
| | ___ | Guilt
( ) \__| Inferiority
\ /
\ /
\________/

The door knob is on the outside
of the door which in essence gives
others free access as they see fit.
More or less open access to you with
weak ego boundaries. Less safety
than in the case of strong ego boundaries.


BROKEN EGO BOUNDARIES


 __________
/ \
/ \
( ) Confusion
| | Helplessness
( ) Powerlessness
\ /
\ /
\________/

When one has broken ego boundaries,
or essentially no ego boundaries then
one is like a house whose doors have
no knobs. Essentially then there are
no boundaries and there can be no sense
of control or safety from inside or outside.
This is a wide open and not so safe position
to be in. It is from here enmeshment can
easily occur and or the lines of individuation
between self and others may quickly get blurred.


When we have broken ego boundaries we often
have to call on other more mal-adaptive coping/
defense mechanisms to survive and we often are
not aware where we begin and end as opposed to
where others begin and end.




Reply | Forward | Messages in this Topic (2)
#6718 From: AZTerri@...
Date: Sun Dec 14, 2008 10:51 am
Subject: Establishing Healthy Boundaries in Relationships 		arizona_terri
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Establishing Healthy Boundaries in Relationships
 
 



MERRY CHRISTMAS!

He sees you when you're sleeping.
He knows when you're awake.
He knows if you've been bad or good,
So be good for goodness sake!
Uncle Sam...er, I mean...
Santa Claus is coming to town!

 





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#6717 From: AZTerri@...
Date: Sun Dec 14, 2008 2:35 am
Subject: C Strikes Again! 		arizona_terri
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Hi Folks!
 
I am sure some of you remember I posted in the past about a passive-aggressive ex "best" friend of mine who I referred to as C? The one who's brother passed over more recently? Well, I ended our friendship I don't know how many years ago because of his issues with the female persuasion. Not just me, but women in general. Just one example would be: when C was really attracted to a woman who was disinterested in him, he'd oftentimes pester her nonetheless; to the point where she'd snap at him, "Leave me alone!" and then he'd actually turn around and label her a "psycho."
 
This happened with several gals. I tried to explain to him he needed to learn to respect the boundaries of others, that no means no, and just because a woman gets a little fed up with him (and he feels rejected by her) does not make her a psycho! I guess my advice about respecting the boundaries of others just didn't sink in, though, because I told C however many months back to leave me alone and he's e-mailed me a few times since anyway. I just got one from him yesterday! I don't open them because that's the only way to deal with people like him. Just a tip for anyone in a similar predicament: ignore, ignore, ignore 
 
Terri 



MERRY CHRISTMAS!

He sees you when you're sleeping.
He knows when you're awake.
He knows if you've been bad or good,
So be good for goodness sake!
Uncle Sam...er, I mean...
Santa Claus is coming to town!

 





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#6716 From: AZTerri@...
Date: Sat Dec 13, 2008 9:41 pm
Subject: Re: On Other Repair Programs 		arizona_terri
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Regarding my last comment below: the most effective way to find something in many instances is to ask everyone you can think of! You never know, someone who normally has nothing to do with what you are seeking just might know where you can locate it anyway! I.e., this is why even if I know a lawyer only works in the area of child custody I might inquire, "Well, can you recommend any attorneys who work in the areas of discrimination/injury?" My Mom knew other lawyers in all kinds of areas!
 
Anyway, just because I would sometimes ask family if they knew of any program that does this or that, or just because I would sometimes say I was having a hard time finding a program that does this or that, certainly doesn't mean I was asking them to locate the programs for me. So they didn't need to remind me to do this for myself. I am an independent adult (more so than the married women in my family) so I certainly don't go through life expecting anyone to do anything for me.  
 
Terri



MERRY CHRISTMAS!

He sees you when you're sleeping.
He knows when you're awake.
He knows if you've been bad or good,
So be good for goodness sake!
Uncle Sam...er, I mean...
Santa Claus is coming to town!

 
In a message dated 12/13/2008 11:10:47 A.M. US Mountain Standard Tim, AZTerri@... writes:
It was a different family member who said there are "plenty" of programs out there, but you notice they all sound the same when it comes to telling me it's up to me to find them!

Terri

 
In a message dated 12/13/2008 10:56:52 A.M. US Mountain Standard Tim, AZTerri@... writes:
These are a few excerpts from the e-mail of another Uncle of mine (not the member of law enforcement). This is what he wrote to me after I explained the damage CSA/EHRS inflicted upon my health and life (i.e., all of this destroyed by credit and although there are credit repair programs they charge for their services and they don't pay your bills for you!).
 
My Uncle thought I was writing for money but this was not the case at all. It's extremely rare anyone in my family helps out financially, and I've given to some of them in the past too when I had the means (i.e., I gave one relative a car instead of selling it to a neighbor who offered me a $1000 cash for it). I was just explaining the situation I was in the hopes of some acknowledgement and support - for example, "What CSA/EHRS did to you is just awful!" - but he didn't comment on CSA/EHRS directly. And to see if any of them knew of any other programs.
 
This Uncle was wrong about my cousin. My cousin told me the only programs he knows of are Adult Protective Services and let's call it FDP (a Fire Department Program) which I was not qualified for anyway because I am related to a fireman. This Uncle was also wrong about there being help out there for me:

In a message dated 3/7/2008 12:01:58 PM US Mountain Standard Time, other Uncle writes:
 
"Terri,
...This much I can tell you---(your cousin) is absolutely right you are going to have to figure out how to get out of the mess you are in. If the number (your cousin) gave you is of no help then call him--- you certainly have his number  and  I am sure he will do his best to help you to find the right number or numbers.. I absolutely believe that there is help out there for you  but you and only you are going to have to find it. There is definitely help for people that are in your physical condition...
 
Putting three kids through college  buying the new home etc. have put  Kris  and Tommy in a very bad financial position...
 
(My Wife) at 66 continues to work--- not because she likes it but because it is a must...While our income allows us to pay our bills on time ---We also have three kids and a grandson that  need  a  little financial assistance at times-----sooo  that doesn't leave much for anything else... Again--- I believe there help  out there  for you-----you are just going to have to go out there and find it.  In the meantime we wish you well..."
 
 
In a message dated 12/13/2008 9:16:08 A.M. US Mountain Standard Time, AZTerri@... writes:
Side Note: If you want to get technical here, folks, I really don't know if Ms. Flores' discrimination and/or fraud would be considered foreseen or unforeseen because it was one of those kind of situations where, although her behavior was repetitive in the past, I kept thinking to myself, "Surely someone is going to put a stop to it soon!" So that actually it's unexpected when not only does it continue indefinitely but when you discover that other staff is similar to her. 
 
I also brought up to this woman at CUP that Ms. Flores was blocking my repairs which caused physical injury. Etc. She started getting upset and indicated that she didn't want to hear it. It's really discouraging when people won't listen to you.   
 
Most of my family members are terrible listeners. You can tell them five times that you don't have a car and they'll turn right around and ask, "Hey, how's your car running?" - as if they don't know you or your circumstances at all.
 
One a more serious note, just one other example would be: I told some of them years back that I never was manic depressive but mislabeled due to being abused. None of them debated this with me. Yet, I wanted to discuss the maltreatment because I certainly am not the only one who's been victimized in my family, and I thought to myself, "The abuse is going to continue to be handed down from generation to generation until the abusers admit to their issues and behavior, and get help."
 
Of course, bringing up the topic was like talking to a brick wall. None of them wanted to hear it. They just wanted to keep taking their drugs, and drinking their drinks, and mistreating their kids, and pretending all is well; as if any of their kids already having/do turn out to have behavioral, drug, or alcohol problems themselves this has nothing to with the abuse! It's really sad: The unhealthiness. The denial. The refusal to listen. The lack of change.

Terri

 
In a message dated 12/13/2008 8:19:28 A.M. US Mountain Standard Time, AZTerri@... writes:
Hi Folks!
 
Regarding other repair programs (since my family insisted there are plenty of them out here, it's up to me to find them!): for years I was told by everyone I contacted that CSA's EHRS was the only repair program for manuf. homeowners. Finally, I was informed that there is one other program, let's call them CUP, which does some home repairs. They describe themselves as, "(A program which) helps citizens become self-sufficient while they are experiencing a financial hardship or crisis in their lives..."
 
I wasn't positive at first what all their eligibility requirements were, but I found out this is one of them:

"Eligibility:
 
2. There must be verification that the household has experienced one of the following crisis: a separation of the family due to domestic violence; loss of income; unforeseen circumstances that increased expenditures making it difficult to meet monthly expenses; a condition which endangers the health or safety of the household."
 
I needed rental assistance because I was going to be evicted from my home and assumed at the least that I fell under loss of income (inability to work as much as I needed to) due to unforeseen circumstances (discrimination and/or fraud committed by Ms. Flores) that increased expenditures (I got behind on past rent and had to pay a small fortune for someone like me in late/legal fees) making it difficult to meet monthly expenses (I could not pay my current rent at the time).
 
Well, prior to going to the CUP appointment to find out if they could help me I had already heard that some employees at CSA/EHRS are friends with some employees at CUP, but I was desperate for aid so I thought I'd give it a shot anyway. I tried to explain to the woman that I was in a crisis situation because of CSA/EHRS and that I could prove it with my documentation.
 
To which she replied (her responses are paraphrased), "Oh, we're not allowed to get involved in that. We can't look at your documentation." Etc. So I asked her, "How am I supposed to prove my crisis then?" She stated, "I don't know. You know, if this made you sick or unable to work as much then you can bring in doctor notes."
 
I explained to her I don't have the money for doctor notes, and AHCCCS hadn't answered any of my applications either. She just shrugged like, "That's your problem." I thanked her for her time and left because it was a no-win situation. I could tell I wouldn't be able to get repair assistance from them either.
 
Terri




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#6715 From: AZTerri@...
Date: Sat Dec 13, 2008 1:10 pm
Subject: Re: On Other Repair Programs 		arizona_terri
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It was a different family member who said there are "plenty" of programs out there, but you notice they all sound the same when it comes to telling me it's up to me to find them!

Terri
 



MERRY CHRISTMAS!

He sees you when you're sleeping.
He knows when you're awake.
He knows if you've been bad or good,
So be good for goodness sake!
Uncle Sam...er, I mean...
Santa Claus is coming to town!

 
In a message dated 12/13/2008 10:56:52 A.M. US Mountain Standard Tim, AZTerri@... writes:
These are a few excerpts from the e-mail of another Uncle of mine (not the member of law enforcement). This is what he wrote to me after I explained the damage CSA/EHRS inflicted upon my health and life (i.e., all of this destroyed by credit and although there are credit repair programs they charge for their services and they don't pay your bills for you!).
 
My Uncle thought I was writing for money but this was not the case at all. It's extremely rare anyone in my family helps out financially, and I've given to some of them in the past too when I had the means (i.e., I gave one relative a car instead of selling it to a neighbor who offered me a $1000 cash for it). I was just explaining the situation I was in the hopes of some acknowledgement and support - for example, "What CSA/EHRS did to you is just awful!" - but he didn't comment on CSA/EHRS directly. And to see if any of them knew of any other programs.
 
This Uncle was wrong about my cousin. My cousin told me the only programs he knows of are Adult Protective Services and let's call it FDP (a Fire Department Program) which I was not qualified for anyway because I am related to a fireman. This Uncle was also wrong about there being help out there for me:

In a message dated 3/7/2008 12:01:58 PM US Mountain Standard Time, other Uncle writes:
 
"Terri,
...This much I can tell you---(your cousin) is absolutely right you are going to have to figure out how to get out of the mess you are in. If the number (your cousin) gave you is of no help then call him--- you certainly have his number  and  I am sure he will do his best to help you to find the right number or numbers.. I absolutely believe that there is help out there for you  but you and only you are going to have to find it. There is definitely help for people that are in your physical condition...
 
Putting three kids through college  buying the new home etc. have put  Kris  and Tommy in a very bad financial position...
 
(My Wife) at 66 continues to work--- not because she likes it but because it is a must...While our income allows us to pay our bills on time ---We also have three kids and a grandson that  need  a  little financial assistance at times-----sooo  that doesn't leave much for anything else... Again--- I believe there help  out there  for you-----you are just going to have to go out there and find it.  In the meantime we wish you well..."
 
 
In a message dated 12/13/2008 9:16:08 A.M. US Mountain Standard Time, AZTerri@... writes:
Side Note: If you want to get technical here, folks, I really don't know if Ms. Flores' discrimination and/or fraud would be considered foreseen or unforeseen because it was one of those kind of situations where, although her behavior was repetitive in the past, I kept thinking to myself, "Surely someone is going to put a stop to it soon!" So that actually it's unexpected when not only does it continue indefinitely but when you discover that other staff is similar to her. 
 
I also brought up to this woman at CUP that Ms. Flores was blocking my repairs which caused physical injury. Etc. She started getting upset and indicated that she didn't want to hear it. It's really discouraging when people won't listen to you.   
 
Most of my family members are terrible listeners. You can tell them five times that you don't have a car and they'll turn right around and ask, "Hey, how's your car running?" - as if they don't know you or your circumstances at all.
 
One a more serious note, just one other example would be: I told some of them years back that I never was manic depressive but mislabeled due to being abused. None of them debated this with me. Yet, I wanted to discuss the maltreatment because I certainly am not the only one who's been victimized in my family, and I thought to myself, "The abuse is going to continue to be handed down from generation to generation until the abusers admit to their issues and behavior, and get help."
 
Of course, bringing up the topic was like talking to a brick wall. None of them wanted to hear it. They just wanted to keep taking their drugs, and drinking their drinks, and mistreating their kids, and pretending all is well; as if any of their kids already having/do turn out to have behavioral, drug, or alcohol problems themselves this has nothing to with the abuse! It's really sad: The unhealthiness. The denial. The refusal to listen. The lack of change.

Terri

 
In a message dated 12/13/2008 8:19:28 A.M. US Mountain Standard Time, AZTerri@... writes:
Hi Folks!
 
Regarding other repair programs (since my family insisted there are plenty of them out here, it's up to me to find them!): for years I was told by everyone I contacted that CSA's EHRS was the only repair program for manuf. homeowners. Finally, I was informed that there is one other program, let's call them CUP, which does some home repairs. They describe themselves as, "(A program which) helps citizens become self-sufficient while they are experiencing a financial hardship or crisis in their lives..."
 
I wasn't positive at first what all their eligibility requirements were, but I found out this is one of them:

"Eligibility:
 
2. There must be verification that the household has experienced one of the following crisis: a separation of the family due to domestic violence; loss of income; unforeseen circumstances that increased expenditures making it difficult to meet monthly expenses; a condition which endangers the health or safety of the household."
 
I needed rental assistance because I was going to be evicted from my home and assumed at the least that I fell under loss of income (inability to work as much as I needed to) due to unforeseen circumstances (discrimination and/or fraud committed by Ms. Flores) that increased expenditures (I got behind on past rent and had to pay a small fortune for someone like me in late/legal fees) making it difficult to meet monthly expenses (I could not pay my current rent at the time).
 
Well, prior to going to the CUP appointment to find out if they could help me I had already heard that some employees at CSA/EHRS are friends with some employees at CUP, but I was desperate for aid so I thought I'd give it a shot anyway. I tried to explain to the woman that I was in a crisis situation because of CSA/EHRS and that I could prove it with my documentation.
 
To which she replied (her responses are paraphrased), "Oh, we're not allowed to get involved in that. We can't look at your documentation." Etc. So I asked her, "How am I supposed to prove my crisis then?" She stated, "I don't know. You know, if this made you sick or unable to work as much then you can bring in doctor notes."
 
I explained to her I don't have the money for doctor notes, and AHCCCS hadn't answered any of my applications either. She just shrugged like, "That's your problem." I thanked her for her time and left because it was a no-win situation. I could tell I wouldn't be able to get repair assistance from them either.
 
Terri




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