==================================
The following is from "Hope for Today"
An Al-Anon daily meditation reader approved
by World Service Conference Al-Anon Family
Groups (c) 2002 Al-Anon Family Group
Headquarters, Inc
----------------------

Hope for Today - March 1

... Having witnessed the miracle of sobriety in my
alcoholic father's life. I prayed for the same gift
for a man I loved. His unsuccessful battle with
alcoholism had torn our relationship apart. When he
joined AA, got a sponsor, and remained sober, I
thought my Higher Power had answered my prayers.
When he chose to reconcile with his former
girlfriend and made plans to marry her, I was
crestfallen. I continued to work my program, got a
sponsor, and earnestly tried to practice "Let Go and
Let God," but it still hurt.
... Could this really be what my Higher Power had in
mind? How could I possibly detach from someone I
still loved so much? At a meeting someone shared that
we detach with love not because it's the nice thing to
do but because it really is the only way we can let go.
Disappointment, bitterness, and resentment are ties
that bind, and until we release feelings to our Higher
Power, we remain bound to the past.
... Suddenly it became clear that I am free to feel
immeasurable love for the alcoholic as I pray for the
strength to detach from my longing and
disappointment. Even when someone's choices do
not include me, I can still choose to love both of us
by letting go and letting God loosen the ties that
bind me to sadness and frustration.

Thought for the Day
... Detaching from the pain of losing an important
relationship is difficult. It helps to remember that I
have a constant, consistent life partner who will
never leave me -- my Higher Power.

... "I accepted the problems I was faced with, and
... handled them with understanding and courage
... with the help of Al-Anon and a Higher Power."
... *To the Mother and Father of an Alcoholic*,
... p. 14

I can so relate.  I dont have the same or even close to the same situation, but
the feelings about it are similar.  I feel stuck and no matter how much I want
to get out or change, I still keep being stuck.



----- Original Message ----
From: Jodi G. <mmtcndrla@...>
To: CoDependents@yahoogroups.com
Sent: Friday, February 29, 2008 1:24:28 PM
Subject: Re: {CoDependents} Newbie

Hi Shannon,

I'm not sure I can be of much help but I can empathize. My guy doesn't live with
me and I still can't get him to go away. I've detached with love as alanon says,
I have been more than blunt about the future of our relationship (that there is
none), I have been horrible to him at times, I conciously try to look as crappy
as possible during the time we spend together, I have been nothing but
complacent and boring! Who would want to be around that? Still he "loves" me
more, can't live without me, and is endlessly needy. I am still trying to figure
out why I can't actually say "I don't want to be with you anymore". I guess it's
because it would hurt him so much (he reminds me of this often). He is a super
sweet guy. He has never argued with me, he has never been angry with me, and he
treats me like a queen all the time. Problem is, he is an alcoholic. He has no
drivers license, has so far been unable to support himself without the help of
either me or his
  father. I
actually had to make him move out of my house last summer because I was so far
in debt I was on the virge of bankruptcy. All so he can support his drinking and
smoking habits. At the time, more than half his paychecks went to pay for
alcohol, pot, and cigarettes. He went through rehab last fall and we got back
together (still living seperate). He made all kinds of promises as is expected
but has failed to change anything. So, regardless of how sweet he is, I can't be
in a relationship where I have to be his cop or his parent and that is what he
wants/needs. I will always have to pick up the pieces of his life when he
refuses to take care of it and I don't want to do that. Not to mention that he
is drinking again, and lying to me about it - he doesn't remember telling me
that he's drinking again because he was drunk when he told me. The only
condition I had when we got back together was that I would not tolerate him
lying to me about how much he's
  drinking - and
here we are.
It seems so much easier to "make" him go away by "making" him not want to be
there anymore but, it has been going on this way for months with no progress.
Ultimately, I am going to have to say flat out what I want. I can only live with
the guilt for so long before I start to fall apart and the whole idea is for me
not to fall apart. I cannot live the life he wants and he wont live the life I
want. It seems so simple! Why are we making this so hard on ourselves? How can I
be so strong in so many aspects of my life and such an emotional weakling on
this subject?

Jodi

Shannon <donut110169@ yahoo.com> wrote:
Because i have a son that races motorcycles and if i were to leave i think the
guilt of my son losing his racing, cause his dad said he wouldnt be able to keep
it up and focus on his life, and i am affraid of hurting my husband becasue i
feel like i have ruined the last 20 yrs of his life cause i didnt figure out my
issues until recently and now everything is going to crap. Guilt, guilt, guilt.
and i dont know how to make it stop.
so if he leaves then i am not to blame. i guess that is what it boils down to. i
am not the blame and i am not the failure.

----- Original Message ----
From: "AZTerri@aol. com" <AZTerri@aol. com>
To: CoDependents@ yahoogroups. com
Sent: Friday, February 29, 2008 10:41:29 AM
Subject: Re: {CoDependents} Newbie

Hi Shannon!

If you don't mind my asking, what do you feel compels you to want him to be the
one to leave you as opposed to you leaving him? E.g., is it guilt, fear of
abandonment or being alone, finances, residency, or?

Terri

In a message dated 2/29/2008 11:38:19 AM US Mountain Standard Time, donut110169@
yahoo.com writes:
Thanks for your input and support Carilyn, I guess I should be more specific. It
is my husband and he lives with me and he is making me nuts and I really just
wish he would leave, but he wont. I know I am probably going to be the one who
finally leaves, but I seem to be unable to do so. Sorry for the confusion, I am
really frustrated with him and he keeps telling me how I am not trying to work
on my issues and I am mean to him and I do this wrong and that wrong and he is
sick of it. But he wont just leave.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Fallen Officer Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown. aol.com/azterri/ kenny.html

It's Tax Time! Get tips, forms and advice on AOL Money & Finance.

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _
Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your home page.
http://www.yahoo. com/r/hs

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

------------ --------- --------- ---
Looking for last minute shopping deals? Find them fast with Yahoo! Search.

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]





      
________________________________________________________________________________\
____
Looking for last minute shopping deals?
Find them fast with Yahoo! Search. 
http://tools.search.yahoo.com/newsearch/category.php?category=shopping

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Thanks Candie, I could use some good vibes.  I have a feeling this weekend is
going to be tough.


----- Original Message ----
From: candie mckee <candice.mckee@...>
To: CoDependents@yahoogroups.com
Sent: Friday, February 29, 2008 12:22:29 PM
Subject: Re: {CoDependents} Newbie

Shannon

You do the best that you can do with what you know at
the time. That's the saying I repeat again and again.
Focus on not feeling guilty. We can only do the best
that we can when we are faced with circumstances.

I'll be sending good vibes your way.

Candie

--- Shannon <donut110169@ yahoo.com> wrote:

> Because i have a son that races motorcycles and if i
> were to leave i think the guilt of my son losing his
> racing, cause his dad said he wouldnt be able to
> keep it up and focus on his life, and i am affraid
> of hurting my husband becasue i feel like i have
> ruined the last 20 yrs of his life cause i didnt
> figure out my issues until recently and now
> everything is going to crap. Guilt, guilt, guilt.
> and i dont know how to make it stop.
> so if he leaves then i am not to blame. i guess
> that is what it boils down to. i am not the blame
> and i am not the failure.
>
>
> ----- Original Message ----
> From: "AZTerri@aol. com" <AZTerri@aol. com>
> To: CoDependents@ yahoogroups. com
> Sent: Friday, February 29, 2008 10:41:29 AM
> Subject: Re: {CoDependents} Newbie
>
>
> Hi Shannon!
>
> If you don't mind my asking, what do you feel
> compels you to want him to be the one to leave you
> as opposed to you leaving him? E.g., is it guilt,
> fear of abandonment or being alone, finances,
> residency, or?
>
> Terri
>
>
> In a message dated 2/29/2008 11:38:19 AM US Mountain
> Standard Time, donut110169@ yahoo.com writes:
> Thanks for your input and support Carilyn, I guess I
> should be more specific. It is my husband and he
> lives with me and he is making me nuts and I really
> just wish he would leave, but he wont. I know I am
> probably going to be the one who finally leaves, but
> I seem to be unable to do so. Sorry for the
> confusion, I am really frustrated with him and he
> keeps telling me how I am not trying to work on my
> issues and I am mean to him and I do this wrong and
> that wrong and he is sick of it. But he wont just
> leave.
>
> Happy St. Patrick's Day!
>
> Fallen Officer Kenneth L. Collings
> http://hometown. aol.com/azterri/ kenny.html
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> It's Tax Time! Get tips, forms and advice on AOL
> Money & Finance.
>
>
>
>
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _
> Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your home page.
> http://www.yahoo. com/r/hs
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been
> removed]
>
>

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _
Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your home page.
http://www.yahoo. com/r/hs




      
________________________________________________________________________________\
____
Never miss a thing.  Make Yahoo your home page.
http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Hi Shannon,

   I'm not sure I can be of much help but I can empathize.  My guy doesn't live
with me and I still can't get him to go away.  I've detached with love as alanon
says, I have been more than blunt about the future of our relationship (that
there is none), I have been horrible to him at times, I conciously try to look
as crappy as possible during the time we spend together, I have been nothing but
complacent and boring!  Who would want to be around that?  Still he "loves" me
more, can't live without me, and is endlessly needy.  I am still trying to
figure out why I can't actually say "I don't want to be with you anymore".  I
guess it's because it would hurt him so much (he reminds me of this often).  He
is a super sweet guy.  He has never argued with me, he has never been angry with
me, and he treats me like a queen all the time.  Problem is, he is an alcoholic.
He has no drivers license, has so far been unable to support himself without the
help of either me or his father.  I
  actually had to make him move out of my house last summer because I was so far
in debt I was on the virge of bankruptcy.  All so he can support his drinking
and smoking habits.  At the time, more than half his paychecks went to pay for
alcohol, pot, and cigarettes.  He went through rehab last fall and we got back
together (still living seperate).  He made all kinds of promises as is expected
but has failed to change anything.  So, regardless of how sweet he is, I can't
be in a relationship where I have to be his cop or his parent and that is what
he wants/needs.  I will always have to pick up the pieces of his life when he
refuses to take care of it and I don't want to do that.  Not to mention that he
is drinking again, and lying to me about it - he doesn't remember telling me
that he's drinking again because he was drunk when he told me.  The only
condition I had when we got back together was that I would not tolerate him
lying to me about how much he's drinking - and
  here we are.
   It seems so much easier to "make" him go away by "making" him not want to be
there anymore but, it has been going on this way for months with no progress. 
Ultimately, I am going to have to say flat out what I want.  I can only live
with the guilt for so long before I start to fall apart and the whole idea is
for me not to fall apart.  I cannot live the life he wants and he wont live the
life I want.  It seems so simple!  Why are we making this so hard on ourselves? 
How can I be so strong in so many aspects of my life and such an emotional
weakling on this subject?

   Jodi

Shannon <donut110169@...> wrote:
           Because i have a son that races motorcycles and if i were to leave i
think the guilt of my son losing his racing, cause his dad said he wouldnt be
able to keep it up and focus on his life, and i am affraid of hurting my husband
becasue i feel like i have ruined the last 20 yrs of his life cause i didnt
figure out my issues until recently and now everything is going to crap. Guilt,
guilt, guilt. and i dont know how to make it stop.
so if he leaves then i am not to blame. i guess that is what it boils down to. i
am not the blame and i am not the failure.

----- Original Message ----
From: "AZTerri@..." <AZTerri@...>
To: CoDependents@yahoogroups.com
Sent: Friday, February 29, 2008 10:41:29 AM
Subject: Re: {CoDependents} Newbie

Hi Shannon!

If you don't mind my asking, what do you feel compels you to want him to be the
one to leave you as opposed to you leaving him? E.g., is it guilt, fear of
abandonment or being alone, finances, residency, or?

Terri


In a message dated 2/29/2008 11:38:19 AM US Mountain Standard Time,
donut110169@... writes:
Thanks for your input and support Carilyn, I guess I should be more specific. It
is my husband and he lives with me and he is making me nuts and I really just
wish he would leave, but he wont. I know I am probably going to be the one who
finally leaves, but I seem to be unable to do so. Sorry for the confusion, I am
really frustrated with him and he keeps telling me how I am not trying to work
on my issues and I am mean to him and I do this wrong and that wrong and he is
sick of it. But he wont just leave.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Fallen Officer Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html

It's Tax Time! Get tips, forms and advice on AOL Money & Finance.

__________________________________________________________
Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your home page.
http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]






---------------------------------
Looking for last minute shopping deals?  Find them fast with Yahoo! Search.

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Shannon

You do the best that you can do with what you know at
the time. That's the saying I repeat again and again.
Focus on not feeling guilty. We can only do the best
that we can when we are faced with circumstances.

I'll be sending good vibes your way.

Candie


--- Shannon <donut110169@...> wrote:

> Because i have a son that races motorcycles and if i
> were to leave i think the guilt of my son losing his
> racing, cause his dad said he wouldnt be able to
> keep it up and focus on his life, and i am affraid
> of hurting my husband becasue i feel like i have
> ruined the last 20 yrs of his life cause i didnt
> figure out my issues until recently and now
> everything is going to crap.  Guilt, guilt, guilt.
> and i dont know how to make it stop.
> so if he leaves then i am not to blame.  i guess
> that is what it boils down to.  i am not the blame
> and i am not the failure.
>
>
> ----- Original Message ----
> From: "AZTerri@..." <AZTerri@...>
> To: CoDependents@yahoogroups.com
> Sent: Friday, February 29, 2008 10:41:29 AM
> Subject: Re: {CoDependents} Newbie
>
>
> Hi Shannon!
>
> If you don't mind my asking, what do you feel
> compels you to want him to be the one to leave you
> as opposed to you leaving him? E.g., is it guilt,
> fear of abandonment or being alone, finances,
> residency, or?
>
> Terri
>
>
> In a message dated 2/29/2008 11:38:19 AM US Mountain
> Standard Time, donut110169@... writes:
> Thanks for your input and support Carilyn, I guess I
> should be more specific.  It is my husband and he
> lives with me and he is making me nuts and I really
> just wish he would leave, but he wont.  I know I am
> probably going to be the one who finally leaves, but
> I seem to be unable to do so.  Sorry for the
> confusion, I am really frustrated with him and he
> keeps telling me how I am not trying to work on my
> issues and I am mean to him and I do this wrong and
> that wrong and he is sick of it.  But he wont just
> leave.
>
> Happy St. Patrick's Day!
>
> Fallen Officer Kenneth L. Collings
> http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> It's Tax Time! Get tips, forms and advice on AOL
> Money & Finance.
>
>
>
>
________________________________________________________________________________\
____
> Never miss a thing.  Make Yahoo your home page.
> http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been
> removed]
>
>



      
________________________________________________________________________________\
____
Never miss a thing.  Make Yahoo your home page.
http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs

Because i have a son that races motorcycles and if i were to leave i think the
guilt of my son losing his racing, cause his dad said he wouldnt be able to keep
it up and focus on his life, and i am affraid of hurting my husband becasue i
feel like i have ruined the last 20 yrs of his life cause i didnt figure out my
issues until recently and now everything is going to crap.  Guilt, guilt, guilt.
and i dont know how to make it stop.
so if he leaves then i am not to blame.  i guess that is what it boils down to. 
i am not the blame and i am not the failure.


----- Original Message ----
From: "AZTerri@..." <AZTerri@...>
To: CoDependents@yahoogroups.com
Sent: Friday, February 29, 2008 10:41:29 AM
Subject: Re: {CoDependents} Newbie


Hi Shannon!

If you don't mind my asking, what do you feel compels you to want him to be the
one to leave you as opposed to you leaving him? E.g., is it guilt, fear of
abandonment or being alone, finances, residency, or?

Terri


In a message dated 2/29/2008 11:38:19 AM US Mountain Standard Time,
donut110169@... writes:
Thanks for your input and support Carilyn, I guess I should be more specific. 
It is my husband and he lives with me and he is making me nuts and I really just
wish he would leave, but he wont.  I know I am probably going to be the one who
finally leaves, but I seem to be unable to do so.  Sorry for the confusion, I am
really frustrated with him and he keeps telling me how I am not trying to work
on my issues and I am mean to him and I do this wrong and that wrong and he is
sick of it.  But he wont just leave.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Fallen Officer Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html







It's Tax Time! Get tips, forms and advice on AOL Money & Finance.


      
________________________________________________________________________________\
____
Never miss a thing.  Make Yahoo your home page.
http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Thanks for your input and support Carilyn, I guess I should be more specific. 
It is my husband and he lives with me and he is making me nuts and I really just
wish he would leave, but he wont.  I know I am probably going to be the one who
finally leaves, but I seem to be unable to do so.  Sorry for the confusion, I am
really frustrated with him and he keeps telling me how I am not trying to work
on my issues and I am mean to him and I do this wrong and that wrong and he is
sick of it.  But he wont just leave.



----- Original Message ----
From: Carilyn Ellis <cellisalaska@...>
To: CoDependents@yahoogroups.com
Sent: Friday, February 29, 2008 9:54:05 AM
Subject: Re: {CoDependents} Newbie

Hi Shannon,

Sometimes you can't stop someone from trying to contact you, but you can stop
the ability he or she has to follow through with it. I had a particularly
poisonous person in my life who wouldn't go away, and I finally started to block
his phone number and email address. I told the people around me at work and
friends that I needed their help in making sure he couldn't communicate with me
through them.

If he/she knows where you live, then make sure you communicate its not OK to
come by. Change locks if you need to and enlist the support of others
(neighbors, or management community if an apartment etc) in neutralizing the
situation. No one should actively communicate with him/her if you want that
person out of your life and if he/she approaches your friends or family, they
should say that they're staying out of it and to stop contacting them too.

If you close all doors, eventually the person has no choice but to give up. I
know that this is the hardest thing in the world for me to do because I hate to
"abandon" people (because of my own fear of abandonment) but trust me that a
week into not having to worry about it anymore, you feel so much better.

However long it takes and however many attempts, I'm here if you need support :)

~ Carilyn

Shannon <donut110169@ yahoo.com> wrote:
Anybody have any ideas on how to make them walk away when they wont

----- Original Message ----
From: Carol Harter <dcck10@yahoo. com>
To: CoDependents@ yahoogroups. com
Sent: Friday, February 29, 2008 8:24:22 AM
Subject: Re: {CoDependents} Newbie

Thanks for finding this and putting it here. I wish I could memorize the whole
thing. However, I can memorize the third line........ ..when people can walk
away from you/me...... ..let them walk.

ProudAcups@aol. com wrote:

LET IT GO

There are people who can walk away from you.
And hear me when I tell you this!
When people can walk away from you, let them walk.
Don't try to talk another person into staying with me, calling me,
caring about me, coming to see me, staying attached to me.
I'll hang up the phone and let it go.
When people can walk away from you let them walk.
Your destiny is never tied to someone that left.
"They came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were
not for us." For had they been of us, no doubt they would have
continued with us.
People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are
not joined to you, you can't make them stay....Let them go.
And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person, it just means that
their part in the story is over.
And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so
you don't keep trying to raise the dead.
You've got to know when it's dead.
You've got to know when it's over.
Let me tell you something,
I've got the gift of good-bye. It is not that I am hateful, it's
because I am faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have,
He'll give it to me.
And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it.
Stop begging people to stay. Let them go.
If you are holding onto something that doesn't belong to you and was
never intended for your life, then you need to.......LET IT GO.
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains, LET IT GO. If someone
can' treat you right, love you back, and see your worth, LET IT GO.
If someone has angered you......LET IT GO.
If you are holding onto some thoughts of evil and revenge, LET IT GO.
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction, LET IT GO.
If you are holding onto a job that no longer meets your needs or
talents....LET IT GO.
If you have a bad attitude.... .LET IT GO. If you keep judging others
to make yourself feel better.....LET IT GO.
If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new
level in Him......LET IT GO.
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken
relationship. ...LET IT GO. If you keep trying to help someone who
won't try to help themselves,
LET IT GO. If you are feeling depressed and stressed.... LET IT GO.
Let the past be the past. Forget and forgive the former things. God
is doing a new thing in 2007. LET IT GO.
Get right or get left.......think about it and then
LET IT GO.
(author unknown)

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

------------ --------- --------- ---
Looking for last minute shopping deals? Find them fast with Yahoo! Search.

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _
Looking for last minute shopping deals?
Find them fast with Yahoo! Search. http://tools. search.yahoo. com/newsearch/
category. php?category= shopping

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your
eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always want to
be." -Leonardo DaVinci

"Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
Look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true. Think
only of the best, work only for the best, and expect only the best. Forget the
mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
Give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to
criticize others. Live in the faith that the whole world is on your side so long
as you are true to the best that is in you!" � Christian D. Larson

------------ --------- --------- ---
Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your homepage.

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]





      
________________________________________________________________________________\
____
Never miss a thing.  Make Yahoo your home page.
http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Hi Shannon,

   Sometimes you can't stop someone from trying to contact you, but you can stop
the ability he or she has to follow through with it.  I had a particularly
poisonous person in my life who wouldn't go away, and I finally started to block
his phone number and email address.  I told the people around me at work and
friends that I needed their help in making sure he couldn't communicate with me
through them.

   If he/she knows where you live, then make sure you communicate its not OK to
come by.  Change locks if you need to and enlist the support of others
(neighbors, or management community if an apartment etc) in neutralizing the
situation.  No one should actively communicate with him/her if you want that
person out of your life and if he/she approaches your friends or family, they
should say that they're staying out of it and to stop contacting them too.

   If you close all doors, eventually the person has no choice but to give up.  I
know that this is the hardest thing in the world for me to do because I hate to
"abandon" people (because of my own fear of abandonment) but trust me that a
week into not having to worry about it anymore, you feel so much better.

   However long it takes and however many attempts, I'm here if you need support
:)

   ~ Carilyn

Shannon <donut110169@...> wrote:
           Anybody have any ideas on how to make them walk away when they wont

----- Original Message ----
From: Carol Harter <dcck10@...>
To: CoDependents@yahoogroups.com
Sent: Friday, February 29, 2008 8:24:22 AM
Subject: Re: {CoDependents} Newbie

Thanks for finding this and putting it here. I wish I could memorize the whole
thing. However, I can memorize the third line........ ..when people can walk
away from you/me...... ..let them walk.

ProudAcups@aol. com wrote:

LET IT GO

There are people who can walk away from you.
And hear me when I tell you this!
When people can walk away from you, let them walk.
Don't try to talk another person into staying with me, calling me,
caring about me, coming to see me, staying attached to me.
I'll hang up the phone and let it go.
When people can walk away from you let them walk.
Your destiny is never tied to someone that left.
"They came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were
not for us." For had they been of us, no doubt they would have
continued with us.
People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are
not joined to you, you can't make them stay....Let them go.
And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person, it just means that
their part in the story is over.
And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so
you don't keep trying to raise the dead.
You've got to know when it's dead.
You've got to know when it's over.
Let me tell you something,
I've got the gift of good-bye. It is not that I am hateful, it's
because I am faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have,
He'll give it to me.
And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it.
Stop begging people to stay. Let them go.
If you are holding onto something that doesn't belong to you and was
never intended for your life, then you need to.......LET IT GO.
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains, LET IT GO. If someone
can' treat you right, love you back, and see your worth, LET IT GO.
If someone has angered you......LET IT GO.
If you are holding onto some thoughts of evil and revenge, LET IT GO.
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction, LET IT GO.
If you are holding onto a job that no longer meets your needs or
talents....LET IT GO.
If you have a bad attitude.... .LET IT GO. If you keep judging others
to make yourself feel better.....LET IT GO.
If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new
level in Him......LET IT GO.
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken
relationship. ...LET IT GO. If you keep trying to help someone who
won't try to help themselves,
LET IT GO. If you are feeling depressed and stressed.... LET IT GO.
Let the past be the past. Forget and forgive the former things. God
is doing a new thing in 2007. LET IT GO.
Get right or get left.......think about it and then
LET IT GO.
(author unknown)

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

------------ --------- --------- ---
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

__________________________________________________________
Looking for last minute shopping deals?
Find them fast with Yahoo! Search.
http://tools.search.yahoo.com/newsearch/category.php?category=shopping

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]






"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your
eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always want to
be." -Leonardo DaVinci

"Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. 
Look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.  Think
only of the best, work only for the best, and expect only the best.  Forget the
mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. 
Give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to
criticize others.  Live in the faith that the whole world is on your side so
long as you are true to the best that is in you!" � Christian D.  Larson

---------------------------------
Never miss a thing.   Make Yahoo your homepage.

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Anybody have any ideas on how to make them walk away when they wont



----- Original Message ----
From: Carol Harter <dcck10@...>
To: CoDependents@yahoogroups.com
Sent: Friday, February 29, 2008 8:24:22 AM
Subject: Re: {CoDependents} Newbie

Thanks for finding this and putting it here. I wish I could memorize the whole
thing. However, I can memorize the third line........ ..when people can walk
away from you/me...... ..let them walk.

ProudAcups@aol. com wrote:

LET IT GO

There are people who can walk away from you.
And hear me when I tell you this!
When people can walk away from you, let them walk.
Don't try to talk another person into staying with me, calling me,
caring about me, coming to see me, staying attached to me.
I'll hang up the phone and let it go.
When people can walk away from you let them walk.
Your destiny is never tied to someone that left.
"They came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were
not for us." For had they been of us, no doubt they would have
continued with us.
People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are
not joined to you, you can't make them stay....Let them go.
And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person, it just means that
their part in the story is over.
And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so
you don't keep trying to raise the dead.
You've got to know when it's dead.
You've got to know when it's over.
Let me tell you something,
I've got the gift of good-bye. It is not that I am hateful, it's
because I am faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have,
He'll give it to me.
And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it.
Stop begging people to stay. Let them go.
If you are holding onto something that doesn't belong to you and was
never intended for your life, then you need to.......LET IT GO.
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains, LET IT GO. If someone
can' treat you right, love you back, and see your worth, LET IT GO.
If someone has angered you......LET IT GO.
If you are holding onto some thoughts of evil and revenge, LET IT GO.
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction, LET IT GO.
If you are holding onto a job that no longer meets your needs or
talents....LET IT GO.
If you have a bad attitude.... .LET IT GO. If you keep judging others
to make yourself feel better.....LET IT GO.
If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new
level in Him......LET IT GO.
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken
relationship. ...LET IT GO. If you keep trying to help someone who
won't try to help themselves,
LET IT GO. If you are feeling depressed and stressed.... LET IT GO.
Let the past be the past. Forget and forgive the former things. God
is doing a new thing in 2007. LET IT GO.
Get right or get left.......think about it and then
LET IT GO.
(author unknown)

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

------------ --------- --------- ---
Looking for last minute shopping deals? Find them fast with Yahoo! Search.

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]





      
________________________________________________________________________________\
____
Looking for last minute shopping deals?
Find them fast with Yahoo! Search. 
http://tools.search.yahoo.com/newsearch/category.php?category=shopping

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Hi Everyone!

One of my friends told me I was a codependent years ago, and my
intial response was to be very offended (in my typical, ultra
sensitive way).  Years later, after a string of relationships in
which I actively seek men who need my help, bent over backwards for
them and eventually ended up getting hurt (in my typical, ultra
sensitive way) by their indifference, I am ready to stop and
say, "Yes, I am a codependent."

I am doing my best to find life/work balance and get back on target
with my higher calling.  I have a degree in psychology and think my
empathetic tendencies and extreme concern for others' well being will
be well used in that field.  I am a patient advocate for a women's
center and am attending grad school in 2009.

I am divorced, have been cheated on, pushed around, belittled, and my
family life is a roller coaster of "they love me, they love me not"
but I am still a very optimistic person who wants very much to be
loved and love others.

My biggest problem is I never feel I have the right to be upset.
When my husband would leave for days on end without telling me where
he was, I would feel bad about bringing up that it hurt me.  When my
boyfriends who actively flirt and look at other women with me
standing right there, I would go crying to my friends asking if I had
the right to be hurt.  I still do it (as my friend N will testify).

I want to get better...and some days I think I am.  I feel wonderful
when I am alone or in a small group of supportive friends, but as
soon as I meet someone and get in a relationship, I start to get
depressed, exhausted and at times suicidal.

So knowing that many of you are new to this like me, and many have
long since come out of it, advice of methods, books etc is greatly
appreciated.  Please do me a favor and remember that things take
time.  I have gotten posts before to "just get over it" and "learn to
walk away" and trust me, if it was as easy as saying it, I would
glady oblige.

Hope everyone is doing well! Thanks ~ C

Thanks for finding this and putting it here.  I wish I could memorize the whole
thing. However, I can memorize the third line..........when people can walk away
from you/me........let them walk.

ProudAcups@... wrote:

LET IT GO

There are people who can walk away from you.
And hear me when I tell you this!
When people can walk away from you, let them walk.
Don't try to talk another person into staying with me, calling me,
caring about me, coming to see me, staying attached to me.
I'll hang up the phone and let it go.
When people can walk away from you let them walk.
Your destiny is never tied to someone that left.
"They came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were
not for us." For had they been of us, no doubt they would have
continued with us.
People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are
not joined to you, you can't make them stay....Let them go.
And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person, it just means that
their part in the story is over.
And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so
you don't keep trying to raise the dead.
You've got to know when it's dead.
You've got to know when it's over.
Let me tell you something,
I've got the gift of good-bye. It is not that I am hateful, it's
because I am faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have,
He'll give it to me.
And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it.
Stop begging people to stay. Let them go.
If you are holding onto something that doesn't belong to you and was
never intended for your life, then you need to.......LET IT GO.
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains, LET IT GO. If someone
can' treat you right, love you back, and see your worth, LET IT GO.
If someone has angered you......LET IT GO.
If you are holding onto some thoughts of evil and revenge, LET IT GO.
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction, LET IT GO.
If you are holding onto a job that no longer meets your needs or
talents....LET IT GO.
If you have a bad attitude.....LET IT GO. If you keep judging others
to make yourself feel better.....LET IT GO.
If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new
level in Him......LET IT GO.
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken
relationship....LET IT GO. If you keep trying to help someone who
won't try to help themselves,
LET IT GO. If you are feeling depressed and stressed....LET IT GO.
Let the past be the past. Forget and forgive the former things. God
is doing a new thing in 2007. LET IT GO.
Get right or get left.......think about it and then
LET IT GO.
(author unknown)

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]






---------------------------------
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

==================================
The following is from "Hope for Today"
An Al-Anon daily meditation reader approved
by World Service Conference Al-Anon Family
Groups (c) 2002 Al-Anon Family Group
Headquarters, Inc
---------------------

Hope for Today - February 28

... I had been in Al-Anon for two years before I
took Step One. How could I admit I was powerless
over alcohol when I was 27 years old, single, living
independently, and my alcoholic father had been
sober for 10 years? I was no longer living with
alcohol, so I couldn't figure out how to admit I was
powerless over it.
... I listened to others speak at Step meetings, read
the literature on Step One, and even tried to share
when Step One was the subject of the meeting.
However, I still didn't know how to make it apply to
me. How could I be powerless over something that
was no longer an issue in my life?
... One night, God sent me a beautiful spiritual
awakening. When I was the young daughter of an
alcoholic father, I was powerless. I was powerless
over every criticism that came from his mouth, and I
was powerless over every blow he struck against me.
To survive such an upbringing, I developed many
defenses. When no longer needed, these defenses
became character defects. As an adult, I was still
powerless over the effects of my father's abuse. It
was the *effects* of alcoholism over which I was
powerless! That awareness helped me to take my
First Step.
... My understanding didn't end there, though. I
realized that my father had been just as powerless
over his alcoholic father as I had been over him.
When my father was a little boy, he didn't say,
"When I grow up, I want to be an alcoholic." The
insight my Higher Power gave me into Step One also
brought me understanding, compassion, and
forgiveness for my father.

Thought for the Day
... Alcoholism doesn't have to be active in my life for
me to be affected by it.

... "Our pressures and anxieties don't disappear
... just because we are living with sobriety."
... *Living with Sobriety*, p. 18

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Asking how

Many days we are tempted to ask Why ? Why did this happen to me? Why
was I singled out? Why am I not a different person? But the whys lead
only to clever explanations and rationalizations of what we do or
what we are. The question for us is not Why? but How?

We ask how to learn and work our program of recovery; the "how" can
give us a deeper understanding of the program. We ask God How? and
God provides the strength and guidance needed. "How" will lead to
everything needed for recovery and personal growth. "Why" is
irrelevant.

Am I learning how to live?

Higher Power, teach me how to live, love, and learn.

You are reading from the book:

Day by Day - Second Edition by Anonymous

Day by Day. Copyright 1974, 1998 by Hazelden Foundation. All rights
reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No portion of this
publication may be reproduced in any manner without the written
permission of the Hazelden.

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

This program is one of submission, release, and action. When we were
irrational, we were submitting to a power greater than ourselves -
our affliction. Our self-wills were no use against the power. One
encounter and we were completely adrift. In our group we stop
submitting to the power of our affliction. Instead we submit to a
Higher Power, greater than ourselves. Have I submitted myself to that
Higher Power?

MEDITATION FOR THE DAY

Ceaseless activity is not God's plan for your life. Times of
withdrawal for renewal of strength are always necessary. When you
feel the faintest tremor of fear, stop all work. Stop everything and
rest until you are strong again. Deal in the same manner with
tiredness, for then you need rest of body. You cannot expect to do
all things and depend upon the Higher Power to keep you from
exhaustion.  Physical and mental fatigue are yours to control.

PRAYER FOR THE DAY

I pray that I may learn how to rest and to listen, as well as how to
work. I pray that I may know when to withdraw for renewal of strength.

You are reading from the book:

Look to this Day by Alan L. Roeck

Look to this Day by Alan L. Roeck. Copyright 1978 by Hazelden
Foundation. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of
America. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any
manner without the written permission of Hazelden.

==================================
The following is from "Hope for Today"
An Al-Anon daily meditation reader approved
by World Service Conference Al-Anon Family
Groups (c) 2002 Al-Anon Family Group
Headquarters, Inc
----------------------

Hope for Today - February 29

... One of my earliest revelations in Al-Anon could be
called a lesson in the algebra of recovery. One day I
was feeling totally frustrated by the alcoholic's
behavior. When I sought clarity by turning to my
Higher Power in prayer and meditation, I received a
swift and clear but seemingly strange answer: a + b = c.
... Thinking of this classic algebra equation long after
my high school days fairly shocked me into wondering
how it might apply to my situation. So "a" was me, "b"
was my alcoholic loved one, and "c" was the total of our
relationship. Our relationship was the total outcome of
all the interactions between us -- our words, emotions,
and choices.
... In algebra, altering one variable, even if the other
variable remains constant, will change the equation. In
applying this algebraic truth to my present and
hypothetical future problems, I realized that I could
transform "a" (myself) and get a different "c"
(relationship), even if "b" (the alcoholic) never changed.
... As I practice changing the things I can -- such as my
attitudes and actions -- the outcomes of my interactions
with my alcoholic family member also shift, often for the
better. Making different choices for myself brings the
total equation of the relationship to a sum of serenity
that I never dreamed possible.

Thought for the Day
... What choices do I want to figure into relationship
equations today?

... "She realized that if a . . . relationship were to change,
... *the one who first saw the kind of attitudes required*
... had the obligation to hold these attitudes and behave
... accordingly"
... *The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage*, p. 65

Welcome Rita!

Julie Hobbs <Hestia74@...> wrote:          Maybe you should start by
telling us a little about your co-dependency...

Gods Peace
Julie

On Thu, Feb 28, 2008 at 11:19 AM, Rita <daulphine02@...> wrote:

> Hi group, my name is Rita and I am definetly co-dependent. I am
> working in the oil field and find it difficult to attend traditional
> meetings so I am searching. I have never been involved in an online
> group, but at this point I am willing to try anything. Any suggestions
> and helpful info. is greatly appreciated.
>
>
>

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]






---------------------------------
Looking for last minute shopping deals?  Find them fast with Yahoo! Search.

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Hi K,

   Gosh, that is so hard!  As a codependent, you want to hover and analyze every
little word and any hint of body language so you cansay or do the one thing that
will "make" him feel better.  Professional distraction!  After a  really long
time and  a whole lot of what I consider failure ie he doesn't feel better and I
feel worse, I have learned to do my best to "detach with love", as alanon says. 
Now, I can say (with some conviction), "I'm sorry you're having a bad day, if
there's anything I can do, please let me know."  Then, find something else to
do.  Put on music and wash dishes for a little while, walk the dog, even just
focusing on a tv show, or a book and not on him.  Not ignoring, just being happy
with who you are and sorry he's having a day.  If he wants to talk - ok.  If
not, I'll be over here when you're done.

   I guess I'm assuming a pretty safe level of "grouchy" here.  If he is more
than just crabby.  Verbally or physically abusive - that's a whole other level
of "grouchy" and deserves much more consideration.  Be safe!!!!

   Take what you want, leave the rest.
   Jodi

kseriano <kseriano@...> wrote:
           any experience, strength and hope to share with me regarding "how" to
detach from my partner when he comes home from work crabby?

much love, k






---------------------------------
Never miss a thing.   Make Yahoo your homepage.

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

LET IT GO

There are people who can walk away from you.
And hear me when I tell you this!
When people can walk away from you, let them walk.
Don't try to talk another person into staying with me, calling me,
caring about me, coming to see me, staying attached to me.
I'll hang up the phone and let it go.
When people can walk away from you let them walk.
Your destiny is never tied to someone that left.
"They came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were
not for us." For had they been of us, no doubt they would have
continued with us.
People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are
not joined to you, you can't make them stay....Let them go.
And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person, it just means that
their part in the story is over.
And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so
you don't keep trying to raise the dead.
You've got to know when it's dead.
You've got to know when it's over.
Let me tell you something,
I've got the gift of good-bye. It is not that I am hateful, it's
because I am faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have,
He'll give it to me.
And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it.
Stop begging people to stay. Let them go.
If you are holding onto something that doesn't belong to you and was
never intended for your life, then you need to.......LET IT GO.
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains, LET IT GO. If someone
can' treat you right, love you back, and see your worth, LET IT GO.
If someone has angered you......LET IT GO.
If you are holding onto some thoughts of evil and revenge, LET IT GO.
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction, LET IT GO.
If you are holding onto a job that no longer meets your needs or
talents....LET IT GO.
If you have a bad attitude.....LET IT GO. If you keep judging others
to make yourself feel better.....LET IT GO.
If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new
level in Him......LET IT GO.
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken
relationship....LET IT GO. If you keep trying to help someone who
won't try to help themselves,
LET IT GO. If you are feeling depressed and stressed....LET IT GO.
Let the past be the past. Forget and forgive the former things. God
is doing a new thing in 2007. LET IT GO.
Get right or get left.......think about it and then
LET IT GO.
(author unknown)






[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

any experience, strength and hope to share with me regarding "how" to
detach from my partner when he comes home from work crabby?

much love, k

Maybe you should start by telling us a little about your co-dependency...

Gods Peace
Julie

On Thu, Feb 28, 2008 at 11:19 AM, Rita <daulphine02@...> wrote:

>   Hi group, my name is Rita and I am definetly co-dependent. I am
> working in the oil field and find it difficult to attend traditional
> meetings so I am searching. I have never been involved in an online
> group, but at this point I am willing to try anything. Any suggestions
> and helpful info. is greatly appreciated.
>
>
>


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Hi C,

I am a newbie to the site also. I will share my story some time soon.
Your post got an internal response and so I am writing it to you. You
said you CAN'T control it, while that is how it FEELS, you CAN and
MUST control the need to catch her in every lie. I am currently living
with the same experiences and feelings. Yesterday broke it for me as I
felt like I would kill my dh. The checking, monitoring, calling,
EVERYTHING is enough to make you go crazy. It's damn hard to get away
from the feelings but get away you must. Today I am staying away from
my dh's computer because I don't want to know anything. It's going to
be rough but each time I am tempted to check I have to make a
conscious effort to walk away. Please, for your sanity's sake join a
coda online mtg. I joined last weekend and between it and reading, I
am breaking a 7 year habit of being a co-dependent of a sexual addict.
Been there buddy, can only tell you that you are NOT alone. Together
we can all fight this.

Juliette
----------------------
She's been lying to me for the past month and continues to do so.
It's making me crazy. I know I can't control it, but it hurts and I
have this overwheliming urge to catch her in every lie, to keep
checking the phone bill online for their calls to each other. Every
time I do it it sends a pain of anixiety/fear/pain/whatever that is
in me. I want to stop. From what I've read I need to detach from
her actions, but they effect me. I have this desire to go there and
stop her from being with him, but I know analytically that it won't
do any good. She's going to do what she's going to do. How do I get
away from these feelings and emotions and the actions that follow
from them? Any help would be much appreciated.

Best,
C

It wasn't me but I know this one...

"If you love someone, set them free,
  If they come back, they're your's to keep,
  If they do not, they were never meant to be."

I am slowly but surely learning that painful truth with my SAH.

Juliette


--- In CoDependents@yahoogroups.com, Carol Harter <dcck10@...> wrote:
>
> Somebody posted a wonderful thing on this site about if somebody
doesn't want you....let them go.  Wish I could find it........maybe
somebody out there has it and can post it again.  I don't know your
situation.......money, kids, etc.  That does make a difference.  I
would advise against doing anything drastic in the heat of a moment.
I know how you feel.....been there.  Think about what is best for You.
  Take care of yourself.  Go to CoDa meetings if possible.  Good
luck.blah <grottofilms@...> wrote:          Hello all,
>
> I'm just learning that I am codependent. From the reading I've been
> doing, I believe both my wife and I are codependent. Recently, we've
> both been asserting more independence to a certain extent and our
> relationship has deteriorated. I'm in the midst of a tough situation
> at the moment, and I need help or encouragement in detaching from
> it. I just learned a few days ago that she has been cheating on me,
> and she's away on a business trip not too far from home. I know that
> it's very likely that the man she's been sleeping with is there.
> She's been lying to me for the past month and continues to do so.
> It's making me crazy. I know I can't control it, but it hurts and I
> have this overwheliming urge to catch her in every lie, to keep
> checking the phone bill online for their calls to each other. Every
> time I do it it sends a pain of anixiety/fear/pain/whatever that is
> in me. I want to stop. From what I've read I need to detach from
> her actions, but they effect me. I have this desire to go there and
> stop her from being with him, but I know analytically that it won't
> do any good. She's going to do what she's going to do. How do I get
> away from these feelings and emotions and the actions that follow
> from them? Any help would be much appreciated.
>
> Best,
> C
>
>
>
>
>
>
> ---------------------------------
> Never miss a thing.   Make Yahoo your homepage.
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>

Hi group, my name is Rita and I am definetly co-dependent.  I am
working in the oil field and find it difficult to attend traditional
meetings so I am searching. I have never been involved in an online
group, but at this point I am willing to try anything.  Any suggestions
and helpful info. is greatly appreciated.

Whomever it was who posted the AHCCCS information earlier, however, I do
thank you for your thoughtfulness!

Terri

In a message dated 2/27/2008 9:46:47 PM US Mountain Standard Time,
AZTerri@... writes:

Does anyone on either list reside in AZ and, if so, are you  familiar with
any clinics or other facilities which offer sliding  scale to  free mental
health
services? I can't wait for an  application to AHCCCS to  be approved (that
can
take three months).  It's reached the point where, since I  still can't get
repairs done  through that program I've told you all about,  all the anxiety
and
stress is returning and I am  getting depressed now, too. Thus far,  however,
every place I've found  online is too expensive.

Terri







“I don't understand why Cupid was  chosen to represent Valentine's Day.
When I think about romance, the last  thing on my mind is a
short, furtive toddler coming at me with a  weapon!”
~ Anonymous



**************Ideas to please picky eaters. Watch video on AOL Living.
(http://living.aol.com/video/how-to-please-your-picky-eater/rachel-campos-duffy/
2050827?NCID=aolcmp00300000002598)


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Does anyone on either list reside in AZ and, if so, are you familiar with
any clinics or other facilities which offer sliding scale to  free mental health
services? I can't wait for an application to AHCCCS to  be approved (that can
take three months). It's reached the point where, since I  still can't get
repairs done through that program I've told you all about,  all the anxiety and
stress is returning and I am  getting depressed now, too. Thus far, however,
every place I've found  online is too expensive.

Terri


“I don't understand why Cupid  was chosen to represent Valentine's Day.
When I think about romance, the  last thing on my mind is a
short, furtive toddler coming at me with a  weapon!”
~ Anonymous



**************Ideas to please picky eaters. Watch video on AOL Living.
(http://living.aol.com/video/how-to-please-your-picky-eater/rachel-campos-duffy/
2050827?NCID=aolcmp00300000002598)


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

My mother is very combative. The only response I've
found that doesn't generate combat is to say:  that's
not appropriate for discussion. Or, that is not open
for discussion.   And I do not discuss it---period.
She does not continue to argue with me when I state
those two things. It's not about judging her---it's
about judging the situation.  If I say anything about
"her behavior" she becomes combative. If I make a
statement that assumes it's the situation, she is not.


Hope that helps.

Candie



> On Wed, Feb 27, 2008 at 4:47 PM, blah
> <grottofilms@...> wrote:
>
> >   Hello all,
> >
> > I'm just learning that I am codependent. From the
> reading I've been
> > doing, I believe both my wife and I are
> codependent. Recently, we've
> > both been asserting more independence to a certain
> extent and our
> > relationship has deteriorated. I'm in the midst of
> a tough situation
> > at the moment, and I need help or encouragement in
> detaching from
> > it. I just learned a few days ago that she has
> been cheating on me,
> > and she's away on a business trip not too far from
> home. I know that
> > it's very likely that the man she's been sleeping
> with is there.
> > She's been lying to me for the past month and
> continues to do so.
> > It's making me crazy. I know I can't control it,
> but it hurts and I
> > have this overwheliming urge to catch her in every
> lie, to keep
> > checking the phone bill online for their calls to
> each other. Every
> > time I do it it sends a pain of
> anixiety/fear/pain/whatever that is
> > in me. I want to stop. From what I've read I need
> to detach from
> > her actions, but they effect me. I have this
> desire to go there and
> > stop her from being with him, but I know
> analytically that it won't
> > do any good. She's going to do what she's going to
> do. How do I get
> > away from these feelings and emotions and the
> actions that follow
> > from them? Any help would be much appreciated.
> >
> > Best,
> > C
> >
> >
> >
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been
> removed]
>
>


Candice D. McKee
Director of Technical Writing
English Department
University of Central Oklahoma
_____________________________________________________________
What we do does not define who we are. What defines us is how well we rise after
falling.


      
________________________________________________________________________________\
____
Be a better friend, newshound, and
know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile.  Try it now. 
http://mobile.yahoo.com/;_ylt=Ahu06i62sR8HDtDypao8Wcj9tAcJ

Somebody posted a wonderful thing on this site about if somebody doesn't want
you....let them go.  Wish I could find it........maybe somebody out there has it
and can post it again.  I don't know your situation.......money, kids, etc. 
That does make a difference.  I would advise against doing anything drastic in
the heat of a moment.  I know how you feel.....been there.  Think about what is
best for You.  Take care of yourself.  Go to CoDa meetings if possible.  Good
luck.blah <grottofilms@...> wrote:          Hello all,

I'm just learning that I am codependent. From the reading I've been
doing, I believe both my wife and I are codependent. Recently, we've
both been asserting more independence to a certain extent and our
relationship has deteriorated. I'm in the midst of a tough situation
at the moment, and I need help or encouragement in detaching from
it. I just learned a few days ago that she has been cheating on me,
and she's away on a business trip not too far from home. I know that
it's very likely that the man she's been sleeping with is there.
She's been lying to me for the past month and continues to do so.
It's making me crazy. I know I can't control it, but it hurts and I
have this overwheliming urge to catch her in every lie, to keep
checking the phone bill online for their calls to each other. Every
time I do it it sends a pain of anixiety/fear/pain/whatever that is
in me. I want to stop. From what I've read I need to detach from
her actions, but they effect me. I have this desire to go there and
stop her from being with him, but I know analytically that it won't
do any good. She's going to do what she's going to do. How do I get
away from these feelings and emotions and the actions that follow
from them? Any help would be much appreciated.

Best,
C






---------------------------------
Never miss a thing.   Make Yahoo your homepage.

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

But not new to codependence!  Hi everyone.  My name is Kathy.  I'm
the daughter of an alcoholic and sex and love addict dad and a martyr
mother.  I'm 52 years old and have been in various stages of recovery
for the past too many to count years.  I've been married to and
divorced from three alcoholics; my last marriage was the long one -
20 years - and it produced two great kids.  Recently my son (and the
story is long and very complicated)who is 18 and recently graduated
from long term treatment confronted me over my codependency.
Initially my reaction was defensiveness and shame and then I
realized, Oh my God, he is absolutely right.  We cannot really have a
real relationship until our codependency is addressed fully.  Of
course, I didn't come to this realization until I had spent nearly
two days composing a "billion" page email response that I ended up
not sending, thank goodness.

It has been easy to slip into my victim (martyr) mode over the years
in regards to my son.  I am the targeted parent of parental
alienation and lord knows I have many reasons to feel sorry for
myself and blame my exhusband for the damage he admittedly (and sort
of in a way...) apologized for.  The fact is he caused tremendous
damage which at times I think might be irrepairable yet I really have
to own my part and move forward, working on the things I CAN change
and maintaining the wisdom to know the difference.

I want to heal from all the pain.  I am a member of Al-Anon but want
to involve myself in more.

Thanks for listening/reading. :)

My suggestion would be to confront her with the fact that this part of her
relations with others is not acceptable to your marriage relationship and
possibly suggest therapy as a couple. You will continue to face this amount
of pain and hurt if you allow yourself to not insist on your needs be met in
the relationship as well. You need to look out for yourself and be sure that
you are secure. That is number one.
The healing and the grief will take time. Trust me I am there.

Gods Peace
Julie

On Wed, Feb 27, 2008 at 4:47 PM, blah <grottofilms@...> wrote:

>   Hello all,
>
> I'm just learning that I am codependent. From the reading I've been
> doing, I believe both my wife and I are codependent. Recently, we've
> both been asserting more independence to a certain extent and our
> relationship has deteriorated. I'm in the midst of a tough situation
> at the moment, and I need help or encouragement in detaching from
> it. I just learned a few days ago that she has been cheating on me,
> and she's away on a business trip not too far from home. I know that
> it's very likely that the man she's been sleeping with is there.
> She's been lying to me for the past month and continues to do so.
> It's making me crazy. I know I can't control it, but it hurts and I
> have this overwheliming urge to catch her in every lie, to keep
> checking the phone bill online for their calls to each other. Every
> time I do it it sends a pain of anixiety/fear/pain/whatever that is
> in me. I want to stop. From what I've read I need to detach from
> her actions, but they effect me. I have this desire to go there and
> stop her from being with him, but I know analytically that it won't
> do any good. She's going to do what she's going to do. How do I get
> away from these feelings and emotions and the actions that follow
> from them? Any help would be much appreciated.
>
> Best,
> C
>
>
>


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]