"I'm a 51 year old female, married to the same man for 29 years and just discovered Evans' books on Verbal Abuse. I also read the book Boundaries and many of Melanie Beattie's books on Co-Dependency.  Subsequently I am learning to set boundaries for the first time in my life, recovering although slowly and gradually from codependency AND recognizing verbal abuse and just realizing how many controlling and abusive people I  have allowed to trample on my self esteem and inner peace. Not only my husband but also some friends, my sister, and my 3 daughters have been abusive. I have been the codependent people pleaser, and hoop-jumper. The more I attempted to gain the intimacy and approval I longed for, the worse the abuse and control would become. FINALLY its like a "DUH" to me...I see that it takes two to tango. Without a victim there is no abuse".

This lady "got it." She understands that in her need to get stuff from other, she allowed herself to be mistreated. Nobody made her do it. Her power is in her recognition and acceptance of that fact as well as in her freedom to purposefully act otherwise. She recognizes the damage she allowed to be inflicted on her self esteem and inner peace. She understands that she is the gatekeeper and caretaker to these essential parts of herself. It is up to her to clarify her limits and permit no trespass.

While taking responsibility for your own life may sound terribly lonely to the uninitiated, it is the most wonderful and natural place to live!

Personal Responsibility

The abuser and the victim do not take responsibility for themselves.  

This bargain does not work because the exchange of care taking duties are no substitutes for self-esteem, self-regard, and self-love. Esteem et al can only be granted by the Self. They must be earned, and cheating doesn't work.

Self-esteem, Self-control & Personal Power

Without self-control and self-discipline there can be no self-esteem. How can you feel good about yourself if you don't feel good about the way you behave? Self esteem is the result of personal power: control and discipline over the self. An individual must trust themselves enough to know that they can deal with any situation. Trust in the self is attained as one learns to exercise the cognitive, emotional and behavioral skills to needed to facilitate smart, goal-seeking behavior. 

The abuser and the victim do not seek to control the self, the only one they have any true power over. They each look to control each other, other people, situations, outcomes. The victim obtains some sense of esteem by working hard at pleasing the abuser (and anyone else), in the hopes of getting approval. The abuser attains some sense of esteem by convincing others of his or her worth. What hard work for so little return!

Thoughts Distort Reality

Automatic and irrational thoughts underlie the distortion of reality. In the email example above, the writer finally recognized that jumping over hoops for loved ones would not make her them love her more. She had to accept that all the hoop-jumping in the world would not work, and in fact worked against her. Yet, the thought "doing for doing equals love" governed her existence for years. 

Her thought was automatic in that it operated in the background.  Yet, until she noticed it, she was not aware it operated at all! She was on autopilot because the thought governed her behavior! The thought was irrational in that it is not true that hoop-jumping brings love. Pleasing usually brings approval, which is not love, and is most likely to result in being taken for granted.  Ouchhh!

In order to see reality more clearly, this lady had to dump the fantasy - or the  automatic thought. Until she accepted what is ("DUH"), she got nowhere.

The effects of automatic and irrational thoughts are profound and far-reaching and are the basis of cognitive-behavioral psychology. 

A few more common irrational thoughts:

Some results of irrational thoughts:

The Obsession to Feel OK 

 Setting Limits

Getting Stuck in Anger & Blaming

Anger is an easy place to get stuck. It feels better than depression. Anger is a necessary emotion which provides lots of information. What matters is what is done with the anger and the message its trying to give you. 

The abuser is stuck in anger and blaming because they have not owned up to their responsibility for their own stuff. It is much easier to fault another for what went wrong than to own a problem and fix it. 

The victim is typically unable to access his or her anger, though it is there, often masquerading as depression. But the anger still leaks out, hence the saying "...angry where you shouldn't be and not angry where you should be." Read email from a lady who is hurting herself by blatantly not taking responsibility here.

The former victim who gets stuck in anger is  mis-behaving as poorly as the abusive person. Getting stuck in anger is what happens when the former victim begins to use some of the techniques of the abuser. This is not empowerment. This is blaming.  

On Blaming The Victim

Some may interpret that this viewpoint somehow blames the victim. Not so. Neither the victim nor the abuser are off the hook. Each has to work out their own stuff, which has absolutely nothing to do with the  other person's stuff. There is no other way out. Nobody can do it for you. Read email from a former victim who is stuck in anger.

Getting stuck in fear, terror, mistrust, outrage, etc.

The fix: Don't get stuck in self-blame, rage, anger, woes, etc. Take responsibility, take control of your life and fix what you don't like.

Personal Responsibility

To achieve personal responsibility, an individual must be able to recognize and accept what is, exercise enough control over the self to do nothing while weighing the alternatives and choosing the best available option. Then calmly, and skillfully acting. Emotional, out-of-control behavior is likely to diminish self-respect despite the momentary ego-boost.

Without personal responsibility and its requisite control-over-the-self, there can be no self-respect.  

If...

If an angry person treats their partner poorly, how can he or she possibly feel OK about themselves? Considering the hoops most angry people jump through to conceal their true agenda from the world and, often enough, from themselves, how badly they feel about themselves is obvious.

If a victim person permits themselves to be treated poorly, how can he or she possibly feel OK about themselves -  when there is not enough self-respect to end the abuse? If this victim accepted reality and therefore understood that the noxious behaviors they permit are not OK, they would be furious. 

A Recovery Map

Give up denial, accept reality. Yes, reality may be unfair, painful, etc., but it is. No matter how much you may hate it or want to wish it away, you cannot. (Reality can also be really cool!)

	Distorted reality is a byproduct of irrational thoughts that create panic, depression, helplessness, etc. While believing a fantasy is created to protect the self from bad feelings, it ends up creating them.
	Self-deceit is an excellent way to give your personal power away and to lose control over your life. Why would you want to do that?

Avoid the common traps of getting stuck in If-Only Land, It's-Not-Fair Land, My-Way Land, I'm-An-Awful-Person Land or any other type of compulsive over-emotionality. No matter how "unfair," "terrifying," etc. reality seems, it is. There is no other (sane) option. 

	When you do get stuck in a trap, and you will, just notice that you are there. Then get yourself out. Now.
	Obsessing over unfairness, unlovability, awfulness, etc. is counterproductive and offers nothing but pain.
	Obsessing is not about noticing your feelings, sitting with them, or letting them go.
	Obsessing is a symptom and just another way of not facing what is.

Chill out and begin to problem solve. This is the time to sit with yourself and notice your feelings and what information they are trying to convey. Be objective and honest with yourself. Take your time and weigh your available options.

	Sit with what is uncomfortable or sad. Notice it. What is it telling you?
	Let it go. Get on with the rest of life.

Act. This is the level of skill, such as assertion, as opposed to acting out of any type. Mastery at this level promotes trust in the self, self-respect and personal power.

	When in doubt, do nothing.
	Monday morning quarterback your failed experiments, learn from them and repeat steps. Simply move on and incorporate new knowledge.
	Pick up a good "how to" book on assertion. Learn what you don't know.

My Story: Good Advice from a Young Woman
by "Ashley"

March 9, 2006I received an email from a young college woman. "Ashley" wrote
a insightful essay detailing her abuse experience with her former boy friend,
Ryan. She asked if I would publish her story so that others could learn from
her  experience; gladly, I did.
Good tidings to you young Ashley - and thanks for  sharing your healthy
attitude and your good advice!

Dr. Irene


I have not lived for very long. Some of you would say I have hardly lived  at
all. It may be hard for you to take advice from such a young woman.

You may be thinking that the worst in my life is yet to come. While I agree
that I have many years of difficulties ahead of me, I know how you feel. I
have  lived the hell that is abuse. I have taken the power into my own hands and
grown. I have experienced a fundamental change in my short life. I have moved
on  from an abusive relationship.

When I was in the eighth grade my grandparents passed away. They were sick
for a long time. I was extremely close to my dad’s parents. I never really
thought they were as ill as they were. I guess I was just a naive kid.

My grandfather died first. A month later my grandmother followed him to
heaven. I do not regret losing them. I miss both of them terribly, but their
death sent me on a long journey that made me the person I am today.

I am aware that everyone loses family. However, I think my family took it
way worse then most peoples. What was an extremely religious family, stopped
going to church. My father no longer believed in God. Prayer was no longer said
before dinner. He was not the same dad as before. This caused my mom to
change  also. What was once a happy family was now crumbling. My parents misery
started  to spill into my life. I fell into a deep depression. If you would have
asked me  then I would have told you that I was not sad, that I was fine. But,
I was not  fine. I stopped talking to my friends. My grades dropped
dramatically. My once  loving family seemed to disappear. My parents were in
there own
little world far  away from mine.

The depression continued into my freshman year of high school. I was still
very sad and did not want to make new friends. My parents thought it would be
good to send me a Catholic school. They thought it would force me to make new
friends. From the outside I looked normal. I was a varsity cheerleader. I had
  pink purses and blonde hair. I had tons of "friends". The truth is that non
of  these "friends" were my friends. They were acquaintances.

I partied with them. I did everything with them, and they never even knew
the real me. They did not know that I went home every night and cried myself to
sleep. They didn’t know that inside something didn’t feel right. I wasn’t
normal.

About three months into my freshman year I met Ryan. He was very  attractive,
and the star of the football team. Ryan started dropping hints that  he liked
me. I was so excited. I had not been happy in so long and it seemed to  me
that he was what I needed to make my drought disappear. Being with him was so
much fun. When I was around Ryan I didn’t think about my family. We started
dating right away. I gradually felt better. I stopped crying myself to sleep. I
thought I had someone that loved me. I truly believed he cared about me more
than anyone else did. I became very attached to him. I would get him whatever
he  wanted. I waited on him hand and foot. I did whatever I thought it would
take to  keep him with me.

Ryan gradually became more and more possessive. He would yell at me for
wearing certain outfits. He would tell me that I looked "slutty" or "cheap".
During our sophomore year, he saw me "looking" at his friend Adam ( I wasn’t).
He
got incredibly angry at me. He started yelling at me and telling me I was
ugly and fat. That I should be lucky that I had him, because he could have any
girl he wanted. This was the first of what seemed to be hundreds arguments.
These "arguments" consisted of him yelling and me crying to the point of almost
  vomiting. They got worse over the years. He said things to me that I wouldn’
t  say to my enemies. I know that you have been there. You know the feeling.
The  fear of being alone. I did not leave because I felt like I needed him. I
knew  that our relationship was not healthy, but for some reason the thought of
  leaving him seemed like the end of the world. I continued to stay with him
all  through high school. I was deeply attached to him.

Ryan, just like most abusers, could act so sweet. He fooled everyone.

Ryan even tricked my parents into loving him. The faculty at school loved  us
too. Everyone adored "Ryan and Ashley". My friends would even tell me how
lucky I was to be with Ryan. We even got voted "cutest couple" in our senior
polls.

I continued to date him through summer, and right into college. He stayed  at
home to go to school. At first I cried every night because I missed him so
much. He would call me often. He told me that he loved me and he missed me.

After being in college for about a month and witnessing life with out
chains, I started to wonder why I was even with Ryan. When he called me and told
me
that he loved me, I began to doubt it. I think what he really loved was me
being his maid, his doll. I started to feel power over him. If I did not want
to  talk to him, I simply would not answer the phone. Yes, he would get mad at
me,  but he couldn’t do anything about it. I thought it was funny. I began to
cry  less and less.

I finally called Ryan and told him it was over. I told him how I didn’t  need
him. I told him that I would be better without him. I told him I deserved a
guy who was kind, caring, and gentle. A guy who wouldn’t yell at me, even if I
  did upset him. I said "F*** you Ryan". He had said it to me so many times.
It  felt great to finally say it to him. This time HE cried. This was the first
time  I had ever made him cry. It made me laugh. I was so happy that HE was
the one  crying. After I hung up the phone with him I cried. I cried harder
than I have  cried my whole life. I thought about all of the times that he
screamed at me.  About all of the times that he held me in his arms and acted
like
he cared. I  thought about my poor parents that had no idea what hell I had
been through for  the last four years. I thought about the fact that I was free.
I could do  whatever I wanted, and I didn’t have to answer to anyone. I was
really, truly  happy.

I still to this day have no idea why I stayed with Ryan for so long. I do
know however, that I will never let myself be treated like that again. I am
proud of myself for moving on and not going back to him. Whenever he calls (he
still does as recently as 3 days ago) I press ignore on my phone. I like to
think that it is because I am too strong for him.

It may sound strange, but I appreciate Ryan. He forced me to become the
strong, secure, mature woman I am today. I have been through so many different
changes because of him. Changes that although tough, forced me to evolve. He has
  helped me to see that I have the ability to change my own life.

Because of him, I will not settle for anything less than the best, and
neither should you.

Use your anger to grow. Become the woman they would hate for you to be.
Allow yourself to accept changes. Use them to your own benefit. By not growing,
we are allowing them to still have power over us. Stand up for yourself and
become the strong women you were meant to be. Do not cry over the men who abused
  you, thank them for who you will become. Change yourself for the better. The
  power to transform is in your hands. You have been held down for too long.
Today  is the day you take charge of your own life. Rise up and allow yourself
to grow.




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

© 2006 Richard, 21CP Author and Publisher

_http://tearsandhealing.com/_ (http://tearsandhealing.com/)


This Excerpt: I’m In Love - How Do I Change It?

[For many who have broken away from an abusive relationship,  strong feelings
of being in-love constantly pull us back toward the abyss.  Breaking away
from these feelings is essential if we are to find  safety.

OK, you’re in love. And you’re reading a book about healing  from abusive
relationships, so it’s a pretty good guess that you’re not here to 
celebrate.
You are probably hurting big time.

Let’s try to get at what is happening. Again, the models I found helpful  are
Peck’s and Hendrix’s. Both agree that “falling in love” is essentially
an
insane state. Since intimate relationships are scary, and since they take a
lot  of work to get started, we might never find our way into them without help.
So  nature assists by genetically programming us to fall in love as a way to
hook us  into a permanent relationship.

The problem is that insanity is insane. Being in love compromises our
ability to control our own lives. Our ego boundaries are compromised, and we 
don’t
feel whole in and of ourselves. And our reasoning about our lover is short
circuited with blatant idealizations.

To deal with the “what do I do while I’m in love?” side, you need to look
a
little deeper. Remember that falling in love is a vehicle to get our
emotional  needs met. It’s a means to fill in the incomplete parts of
ourselves. So if
you  want to get unstuck from being in love with your BP, then you are going
to have  to find a way to meet your needs without him or her. Or better yet,
through  yourself.

Chances are, no matter what you do, the intense emotions will not pass
quickly. However, there are some things you can do that will expedite the 
process.

First of all, you can start working on developing those unrealized parts of
yourself. If you can develop the puzzle piece and put it into place, your
unconscious mind won’t need to go out fishing for it in your lover. You’ll
become happier and more complete in and of yourself, and you’ll reduce the
in-love drive to meet the need through another.

Second, you can take advantage of the mechanism your unconscious used to  get
you in love in the first place. Your unconscious was essentially shopping
for someone to fall in love with. Remember the image - the pattern for who you
will fall in love with? That’s the shopping list. Well, your unconscious has
bought model A. And that’s who you’re in love with.

But Hendrix teaches us that the imago is a vague pattern, having blurred,
general features. There are thousands of people who match our patterns. So if we
  can do some conscious shopping, our unconscious is going to be coming along
on  those trips. And it’s very possible, especially if we’re not seeing the
object  of our in-love feelings any more, that our unconscious might decide
that model B  looks pretty good, too.

So, while it may feel totally empty and false to you, by exposing yourself
to others, you enable your unconscious mechanisms to work - the same mechanisms
  that got you in love with the person you’re in love with now. That mechanism
  might just up and change your feelings around to point toward somebody else.
And  if you’re reading this, that somebody, chances are, couldn’t be much
worse than  what you’ve got, and they might be a darned sight better.

But you have to be around other people for that to work. So getting around
other people is critical to moving on. Your unconscious isn’t too swift, and
especially if it’s already hooked on someone, it might take a lot of exposure
to  capture its attention. But being around people is good for us anyway, so
this  remedy can’t possibly hurt, even if it’s not entirely successful.

Now, I have a third idea. Falling in love drives us toward potential
physical relationships. This drive is an essential piece of what makes this go. 
So
falling in love is, in part, a way to get this. Well, if you don’t like the
way you’re being driven by your unconscious, you might try getting some with
your conscious. Again, by proactively meeting your own needs, you reduce the
drive toward falling you into love that your unconscious has. And this fits in
just great with the last remedy of being around people. If you’re gonna be
around people, you might as well enjoy it.

It won’t be fast, and not likely easy, either. But working on your
undeveloped self, exposing yourself to many others, and meeting your sexual 
needs by
chosen relationships can all help to extricate you from the clutches of  your
unconscious who has fallen you into love with someone who is bad for  you.





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Online Help for Love Addicts

by Susan Peabody, author of Addiction to Love: Overcoming Obsession and
Dependency in Relationships.

Love addiction comes in many forms. Some love addicts carry a torch for
unavailable people. Some love addicts obsess when they fall in love. Some love
addicts get addicted to the euphoric effects of romance. Others cannot let go of
  a toxic relationship even if they are unhappy, depressed, lonely, neglected
or  in danger. Some love addicts are codependent and others are narcissistic.
Some  love addicts use sex to manage feelings; others are sexually anorexic.
What we  all have in common is that we are powerless over our distorted
thoughts,  feelings and behavior when it comes to love, fantasies and
relationships.

Still, there is hope. We are a fellowship of men and women whose common
purpose is to recover from our unhealthy dependency on love—as it plays out in
our fantasies and relationships. The only requirement for membership in LAA is a
  desire to work toward recovery. There are no dues or fees; we are
self-supporting through our own contributions. Our primary purpose is "to offer 
a safe
place to recover from love addiction and to carry the message of recovery  to
those who still suffer." Through self-honesty, open-mindedness, willingness,
and the 12-steps of LAA, we can recover. We can do together what we cannot do
  alone. We can grow and change in the sunlight of the spirit. Welcome to
LAA!

_http://www.loveaddicts.org/_ (http://www.loveaddicts.org/)






[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Is it Love or Infatuation?

Taken from drirene.com

Infatuation is instant desire. It is one set of glands calling to another.

Love is a friendship that has caught fire. It takes root and grows, one day
at a time.

Infatuation is marked by a feeling of insecurity. You are excited and  eager,
but not genuinely happy. There are nagging doubts, unanswered questions,
little bits and pieces about your beloved that you would just as soon not
examine too closely. It might spoil the dream.

Love is quiet understanding and the mature acceptance of imperfection. It  is
real. It gives you strength and grows beyond you to bolster your beloved. You
  are warmed by his/her presence even when he/she is away. Miles do not
separate  you. You want him/her nearer, but near or far, you know he/she is
yours
and you  can wait.

Infatuation says, "We must get married right away! I can't risk losing  you!"


Love says, "Be patient. Do not panic. Plan your future with confidence."

Infatuation has an element of sexual excitement. If you are honest, you can
admit it is difficult to be in one another's company unless you are sure it
will  end - in intimacy.

Love is the maturation of friendship. You must be friends before you can be
lovers.

Infatuation lacks confidence. When he/she is away you wonder if he/she is
cheating. Sometimes you check.

Love means trust. You are calm, secure and unthreatened. Your beloved feels
that also and that makes them even more trustworthy.

Infatuation might lead you to do things you will regret later, but love
never will.

Love is an upper not a high. It makes you look up. It makes you think up.  It
makes you a better person.



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

PT 5 He's a Great Catch, but...

Interesting series, written for those who want to counsel targets of  abuse.

*Note that any of this can apply to female abusers as well!


Connect-the-Dots

In the previous track, we discussed Biderman's Brainwashing patterns of
behavior, as it related to your client's attempts to manage their manager or
"Great Catch." On this track we will talk about techniques to further assist 
your
client in "connect the dots" of abuse. Here's the basic ground work that
sets the stage and makes connecting the dots of abuse such a therapeutic
challenge; the basic premise upon which the abuse is based.

Many women think they are nothing without a man. Thus, they are unable to
connect the dots, so to speak of abuse. Dr Russianoff expands upon this basic
underpinning, upon which the Great Catch theory is based, in her book that is
aptly titled "Why do I think I Am Nothing Without a Man?" See if you can make
the connection between Dr Russianoff's ideas and the therapeutic challenge
you  face in assisting your client to recognize abusive behavior. Dr. Russianoff
  states: "Brenda, an architect, does have a man in her life--Josh. Brenda
didn't  have to tell me how successful she is; I had read a magazine article
about her.  But the Brenda who showed up in my office was not the confident
sophisticate  depicted in the article."

"I don't know what's happened to me since my marriage," Brenda said. "I  used
to go off on assignments to the other side of the world without even
thinking about it. Now I try to get out of such projects. I want local ones. I'm
just not happy, unless I'm with Josh. If he can't go to a party and I go alone,
I don't have fun. So I'd rather just stay home. And, you know, we just got a
new  car. It's a sports car, and I can't drive stick, so I just let Josh drive
us  everywhere. And the worst thing is, we could afford another car, one I
could  drive, but I don't even want one. I like being chauffeured. I like it,
but
at  the same time I resent this…this symbol of my self-induced bondage."

As Brenda's dilemma suggests, you don't have to live alone to think that  you
are nothing without a man. You don't have to be divorced or widowed or never
married. You can be living with a man or married and think that without this
man  you would be lonely, socially inhibited, emotionally and sexually barren.

I've counseled a number of married women who absolutely had no lives of
their own, because their hopes and dreams and plans and daily routines revolved
so tightly around those of the men with whom they lived.

Most women know their significant other better than anyone else. Some use
this knowledge to try to gain greater understanding of what she could do to make
  her "great catch" act differently. Regardless of how poorly they are
treated,  some women cling to the belief that they can bring out the best in
their
partner. In fact, have you found, like I, the more extreme the controlling
partner's actions, the harder your client may try to understand him. They create
a self-induced bondage.

So, when you see a pattern conflicting with your clients goals, how do you
help the client who is unable to draw her own conclusions or connect the dots,
so to speak. And by connecting the dots I mean: How can you help your
verbally  abused clients to connect the dots for themselves and identify and
gain a
perspective on the controlling abusive behavior to which they are subjected to
  daily? Here are three perspectives I help my clients gain by connect the
dots.

First, to help them connect the dots, if they are open, where do they stand
in their relationship to "Potential?" They continue to try to manage the
unmanageable manager by looking for specific explanations and focusing on
relationship potential rather than relationship reality. To accomplish this, I 
use a
Gestalt exercise of focusing on the present. I ask the client, "Where do  you
feel tension in your body right now? Describe that feeling. How often to you
feel that tension?" By increasing their awareness of how they actually feel
right now, they become increasingly aware that how they feel in the
relationship  most of the time ranges from dis-ease to catastrophic. Over a
succession
of  sessions, they begin to connect the dots that there are focusing on the
potential of the relationship rather than the reality of the relationship

If you recall, in the previous track Jenny stated, "I would try to remove
anything that might be a cause for Tom to yell and get red in the face." I
asked, "Do you feel you are living in more of a 'potential' relationship rather
than in a 'real' current relationship?" It helps her to continue believing her
"Great Catch" will become even more of a great prize as she is confident
their  relationship will eventually improve

So what's a second step with your "Jenny?" Changing reacting and defending
to action… To help her to connect the dots, I wanted to refocus Jenny away
from
  her denial of feelings, which kept her busily reacting and defending against
  Tom's attacks. One way Jenny had of denying her feelings was to search for
the  specific reason behind Tom's abusive controlling behavior. Jenny's looking
for  specific explanations helps her to feel she has goal-directed productive
  behavior. The more specific the explanation is, the more manageable Jenny
felt  the situation was. Think of a client you are currently treating. I pointed
out  to Jenny that, no matter how specific of an explanation she tried to
construct,  she was still in the reaction mode and not taking action. However,
as
you know,  in cases of physical abuse the client's taking action against
their abuser can  lead to greater physical harm and even death. Is there a
client
you are  currently treated that could benefit from be moved from reaction into
  action?

Step 3 in connecting the dots of managing the unmanageable manager is
through examining "If Only" hoping. If some specific circumstances caused his 
bad
behavior, then she could believe that when the circumstances changed he  would
be better. This is called the "if only" formula. Denise, age 25, had been
married to Robert for five years and has two children who are ages three and
five. She kept telling herself, "If only traffic hadn't been bad, Robert
wouldn't take it out on me. If only my three year old hadn't dropped his cup of
water when Robert was in the room, the evening would have been fine. If only I
could be thin like Julia Roberts, we would have a great sex life." Such
explanations gave Denise hope for change and the sense of being able to bring 
that
change about: by hoping for less traffic, hoping her children would behave
perfectly, and hoping for the perfect diet to give her the perfect body.

In summary to assist your client to connect the dots that abuse is
happening, even though there are no physical scars as in physical abuse, would 
it be
helpful to introduce any of the following three concepts into your next
session?

#1. Living in the Potential and not living in the reality of the present.
#2. Reacting by recreating elaborate explanations to feel productive action
is being taken.
#3. Do "if only" wishful thinking in hopes that their "if  only" wishes will
be grated

Is the "connecting the dots" concept one you could apply to a client you  are
currently treating? Is she living in the potential rather then living in
reality? Is she reacting and defending rather than having goal-directed
productive behavior? How much is she involved in "if only" hoping that things 
will
work out with her "Great Catch?"

In the next track we will talk about 5 urban legends or myths you might
consider reviewing with your client concerning their beliefs about  abuse.




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

PT 4 He's a Great Catch, but...

Interesting series, written for those who want to counsel targets of  abuse.

*Note that any of this can apply to female abusers as well!


Biderman's Brainwashing

On the last track we talked about Repositioning of abuser, decreasing
selective forgetting, and exploring excuse-making or minimizing.

Managing

Do you agree that the term "childlike" seems to fit some clients'  simplistic
view of the imagined power they hold over their “Great Catch?” Yes, I  said,
"...they hold over their Great Catch." This distorted thinking style of
over-control gave both Marcy and Jenny, who were described on track 5, a false
feeling of omnipotence. Marcy and Jenny struggled for control of aspects of
situations that were actually out of their control. Here’s how it worked. They
held themselves responsible for the behavior of their "Great Catch." When their
  significant other acted differently that what they would like, they felt a
loss  of control and experienced resentment, anger, and a keen sense of
personal  failure that eroded their self-esteem. Jenny would say, "I've got to
make
Tom  listen to me!" Marcy would say, "I have to make sure Ron arrives on time."

The abused partner believes that by using these coping mechanisms, they are  “
managing.” Most clients think they can “manage.” Through Marcy’s
denying,
and  Jenny's forgetting and minimizing, these two clients were effective in
reducing  the controlling abusive behavior in their minds to a manageable size.

Here’s how this managing worked for Jenny. See if this doesn’t sound
familiar. I asked Jenny about the way that Tom made her feel through his words, 
his
actions, and about their relationship.

Jenny explained that she managed her husband, Tom, by keeping him calm. She
sobbed, “I would try to remove anything that might be a cause for Tom to yell
and get red in the face. I try to think about him all the time and how to
keep  him happy. I did everything a good wife should do. I refused Tom nothing.
However, no matter how much I did for Tom, it was never enough.”

By increasing Jenny’s awareness of her denying, forgetting, and minimizing
as describe on the previous track, she came to realize that no matter how much
she tried to fix, manage, or control Tom’s mood, something will always be
wrong.  Keeping her “Great Catch” calm becomes a full-time job. In the end,
it
left  Jenny with the two overpowering feelings: 1. She can never do enough, and
2.  She can never do anything right.

Marcy and Jenny both felt an immense obligation to their controller. They
would placate, calm, protect, and try to please their controller. All under the
guise of wrapping their identity around keeping their “Great Catch,” by
"helping  their man" with his problems, soothing his cares, denouncing his
enemies,  building up his ego, supporting his plans and encouraging his dreams.
As
you  know, these tasks take so much time and energy that it is no wonder both
Marcy  and Jenny stopped doing the things they enjoy to do in favor of what
their  partner wants them to do. Both adopted their controller’s definition of
perfection and tried to live up to it.

“Childlike” Role

So what’s the result? Both Marcy and Jenny become childlike in their
relationships, certainly not on an equal footing. As mentioned earlier, I refer 
to
the recipient of the controlling behaviors as being childlike, being treated
as less of a person.

Since Jenny was still in an abusive relationship, her emotional abuse was
difficult to recognize and to name. For her, the unacceptable forms of treatment
  by Tom were hard to separate from the occasional and minor abuse present in
most  intimate relationships. In a session I showed to Jenny, Russell's book,
Rape in  Marriage, which contained Biderman's Chart of Coercion. It seemed to
be helpful  to Jenny to see information that brainwashing consists of a
pattern of specific  behaviors. And that what was effective in prisoner of war
camps
is also  effective in maintaining abusive relationships. Jenny could then see
the immense  obligation she felt to Tom to placate, protect, and try to
please him was a form  of brainwashing.

In case you are unfamiliar with Biderman's Chart of Coercion. Here is a
summary. On a large piece of newsprint in the session I wrote Biderman's ten
categories and left room under each heading to write examples of the coercive
behavior Jenny experienced. As I read these ten categories slowly, think about a
client you are currently treating who may benefit from a discussion of one or
  several of Biderman’s brainwashing techniques:

1. isolation
2. focus on the batterer's potential anger
3.  exhaustion
4. dependency
5. feelings of incompetence
6. threats
7.  occasional indulgences
8. demonstration of superiority or power
9.  degradation and humiliation
10. enforcing trivial demands.

The manual that accompanies this course contains a reproducible worksheet
for you to utilize Biderman’s list with a client.

I have found, like you, that once a client realizes how she was trying to
manage her manager, or in this case her brainwasher, she often times gets angry.
  Here's how Jenny's anger came through in a session, “I thought Tom was
taking  care of me and all along I was, taking care of him.” Jenny was giving
Tom
what  he wanted. She was allowing Tom to exercise his power over her. Jenny
stated “I  feel like a garbage can. Whatever went wrong for Tom during the day
got dumped  on me when he came home." This angry statement was like an epiphany
for Jenny.  She realized exactly how Tom was abusing her, even though there
was no physical  violence.

The next track will discuss three techniques to further “connect the dots”
of abuse.



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

PT 2 He's a Great Catch, but...

Interesting series, written for those who want to counsel targets of  abuse.

*Note that any of this can apply to female abusers as well!


The Cold Weather Analogy

On the previous track we talked about the three control tactics:
Can't-You-Take-a-Joke; Betrayal-of-a-Confidence; Breaking-an-Agreement. Now we 
will look
at how these three tactics are linked with client depression.

Many clients experiencing controlling abusive behavior suffer from symptoms
of depression. As you know, the DSM symptoms include: Problems with eating and
  sleeping, guilt feelings, loss of energy, trouble concentrating, and
thoughts  about death.

I'll talk about Shannon, in a minute, who did not realize that she was  being
abused. She often thought that her relationship with Aaron had normal
fights. She refused to believe that her "Great Catch," whom she loved and 
trusted,
was slowly chipping away at her self-esteem. Think of the phrase I just  said,
"Chipping away at her self-esteem." Does that phrase apply to one of your
current clients? Ask yourself, to what extent are the following three ways in
which your client is not aware of the controlling abusive behavior?

#1. She doesn’t think it still happens in “this day and age.”
#2.  She just expects that her relationship with her "Great Catch" was
supposed to be  supportive.
#3. She didn’t realize that this controlling abusive  relationship was
happening under her nose.
Ask yourself, to what extent in  the following three ways is your client
unaware of the controlling, abusive  behavior?

A more subtle form of "killing the spirit" than that of the  “Can’
t-you-take-a-joke” tactic is that of teasing. Here's how Shannon described 
the chipping
away of self-esteem process.

Shannon, age 31, said, “I feel like I’ve lost my energy and drive. I’m
just
not as sure of myself anymore.” As she talked more, she mentioned some of the
  things her husband, Aaron, said. “He teases me a lot. He teases me about the
way  I drive. I don't drive in the exact middle of the lane, but to the
right. He  teases me about the way I walk. He says I look like a duck with my
toes
pointed  out. Sometimes he'll even quack as I walk past him in the hall. I
know my toes  do turn out. It's just hard to concentrate on pointing them
straight all the  time, especially when I have a laundry basket full of clothes.
He
even teases me  about the way I make the bed in the morning. He says, 'there
you go again with  those messy corners. That would never pass a Marine Corps
inspection.' I know  he’s just affectionately teasing me. Aaron probably
thinks
my stupid little ways  are cute, but after awhile, it makes me feel stupid and
inadequate. I am not  sure I can do anything right. Maybe I am really stupid
and can't do anything  right. I hate myself sometimes.”

As you know, depression is self-hate turned inward. Her spiraling self-hate
and depression were facilitated by lack of support of her family.

Shannon's family told her that Aaron's teasing was nothing to worry about,
and that she was being too sensitive. They would then reinforce the myth of
what  a "Great Catch" he was by telling her how lucky she was to get anybody to
marry  her. As you can see, neither Shannon nor her family realized that this 
“
affectionate teasing” wasn’t affectionate at all. It was slowly chipping
away  her self-esteem. After a few sessions together, Shannon and I realized
that
she  was walking on egg shells around Aaron in an attempt to avoid his
teasing.

As you are aware, a way to help your clients, who deal with controlling and
abusive relationships by their "Great Catch," is to make them aware that they
are being abused. How would you proceed with Shannon? See if any of the
following three forms of verbal abuse come to mind.

#1. Recognizable verbal abuse: I will pause after reading each of these to
give you a chance to think of and apply them to a client you are treating or
have treated: belittling, smirking, mimicking, insulting, and ignoring.

The incident that brought Shannon into my office, as she described it,
"Aaron, in addition to teasing, repeatedly has started to use name-calling, like
‘
Stupid bitch,’ again and again and again. Just yesterday he left the apartment
  screaming, 'I'm not going to stay here and take this, you stupid bitch,’ as
if  he were the injured party. Other times, he would use a taunting tone in
his  voice. Then just roll his eyes, turn, and walk away. I felt like I wanted
to  die."

#2. In addition or instead of recognizable verbal abuse, the "Great Catch"
may use eloquent-sounding words, or jargon, or academia, or trendy words to
sound superior. I had a client whose significant other would yell things like,
"Your profound ignorance is appalling!" "Your disgraceful neglect is not to be
  condoned." So think for a moment about this second form of verbal abuse of
using  words to sound superior; would it be appropriate to reframe a situation
in your  next session regarding the superior language form of verbal abuse.

#3. Controlling behavior number three goes hand-in-hand with the superior
language we have just discussed. Number three is treating a partner like he or
she is a child, for example repeating statements as if the partner would not
understand or over-explaining simple tasks. "This is how you correctly place
the  jelly lid on the jelly jar. You turn it until it is tight like this."

I feel the main problem here is validation of Shannon’s feelings. Shannon
dismissed these as the small things that she should overlook because, after all,
  she was lucky to have snagged such a "Great Catch," like Aaron, who had a
stable  job. I found Shannon had to give herself permission to have negative
feelings  about her "Great Catch” Aaron.

I use the following visualization to facilitate the process of Shannon
expressing her negative feelings towards Aaron regarding his belittling, 
smirking,
mimicking, insulting, and ignoring. I stated, "Compare the negative  feelings
you have towards Aaron to going outside in winter weather. You hold  your
body tight with teeth clenched, shivering and chattering, and are barely
breathing; avoiding contact with the cold. When you decide to relax, your 
shoulders,
jaws, eyebrows, and knees loosen, and the chill is no longer an  enemy; the
cold now feels energizing."

The cold weather analogy helped Shannon to accept her feelings and give
herself permission to have them. She began to feel she didn’t have to have a
doormat facade to keep Aaron.

In the next track, I will discuss what I say when a client asks “How could  I
have known my “Great Catch” would be so cruel? Are there any warning signs
or  patterns that I missed?”




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

PT 3 He's a Great Catch, but...

Interesting series, written for those who want to counsel targets of  abuse.

*Note that any of this can apply to female abusers as well!


Jekyll-and-Hyde Reframing

Previously, we discussed the using the Cold Weather Analogy to help  your
clients accept and experience negative feelings towards their highly valued  “
Great Catch.” As you know, one of the reasons why accepting and expressing 
these
negative feelings is so difficult is because victims of controlling  abusive
relationships are "Invisible Victims” and usually need  feeling-validation.

As you know, the victim of verbal abuse is invisible because she does not
have physical bruises as evidence of being victimized and attacked. Therefore,
she is invisible to, for example, the legal system. To magnify the problem,
her  family and friends may view her as being lucky to have gotten such a great
guy.

Marcy, age 25, was so worried about meeting the needs of her "Great Catch"
that she gave away much of her power in the relationship. Sound familiar? Thus,
  along with her power, she also gave up much of the control she had over her
life. I've found, like you, that the pain of this loss of power and control
is  invisible. Unlike physical abuse, the recipient of the verbal abuse, which
lacks  physical evidence, may not be validated by her support system. Marcy
stated, "If  only Ron would just hit me once and give me a big bruise across my
cheek, I  would know I was being abused! Right now I just don't know. I feel
like he's  some kind of invisible controller in my life." Can you see how
Marcy's disbelief  and denial that abuse is taking place is evident in this
statement? This, of  course, sets the scene for her later minimizing and
selective
forgetting, as we  will discuss.

Because the loss of her power was invisible unlike physical abuse, I
reframed Ron in Marcy's relationship using her term of the "invisible 
controller,"
because he left no visible wounds. Here are three  feeling-validation
strategies I used to validate Marcy's feelings of being  abused. See if you
would use
any of these three or some variation.

1. Repositioning through client descriptions

With Marcy I found a Jekyll-and-Hyde reframing helpful as a
feeling-validation strategy. Here's how it worked. I used Marcy’s comment in a
session as the
springboard for this technique to validate her feelings. Marcy  stated “Ron
seemed like such the All-American guy initially. But when I confront  him about
our lack of time together, he lashes out like some type of ghoul. His  whole
facial expression, body, and voice changes. He becomes like a totally
different person. What came to mind was that old movie, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. 
Hyde.”

I expanded upon Marcy's Jekyll-and-Hyde description by saying, “For you,
when hearing Ron’s promises of time you would spend together, Ron was like
“Dr.
Jekyll.” He was your “Great Catch;” the ideal partner. Marcy agreed,
“Yeah,
at  those times it’s easy to forget about his other side.”

However, as you know the “Dr. Jekyll,” All-American guy-side, actually
facilitates “Mr. Hyde's” abusive goal of control and dominance of the
relationship. To increase Marcy’s awareness, the second step, after expanding 
and
exploring her Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde description, was to reposition Ron and  to
increase her awareness that, while Ron may be kind and supportive on some
occasions, this kind and supportive behavior did not excuse Ron for the times 
when
he breaks an agreement and does not follow through with his promises of  time
to be spent together. The second step, to increase Marcy’s awareness, after
expanding and exploring her Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde description, was to
reposition Ron, and to enhance her understanding that, while Ron may be kind and
supportive on some occasions, this kind and supportive behavior does not excuse
  Ron for the times when he broke an agreement and did not follow through with
his  promises to spend more time with Marcy.

Think of a client you are treating who feels she is in a relationship with  a
controlling, abusive partner, while at the same time, she feels that he is a
"Great Catch," a prized possession so to speak.

Marcy used the term “Dr. Jekyll,” and I was able to take the ball and  run
with it by referring back to this concept, in subsequent sessions, to  increase
her awareness of the invisible wounds created by Ron’s lack of physical
presence. Some other descriptions clients have used are: two-faced, wearing a
mask, phony knight on a white horse, and so on. Take a moment and think. In your
next session with your "Marcy," who is being verbally but not physically
abused  by their significant other, would it be a good idea for you expand upon
her  descriptions to reposition her "Great Catch?" To validate Marcy's feeling
of  abuse, I explored her disbelief and denial. I depersonalized the situation
by  asking how she felt about someone in a relationship with an abusive Mr.
Hyde who  was rarely present. Being physically unavailable can be a powerfully
seductive  tool of control, especially when someone feels they have gotten a
"Great Catch"  in the relationship.

2. Decreasing selective forgetting of when Abuse Started

In addition to repositioning the "Great Catch" based upon the client’s
description, a second feeling-validation strategy I have found helpful is to 
have
my client recall their first memory of abuse.

In addition to using Marcy's Jekyll/Hyde description, secondly, I find  it
helpful to increase her awareness of when the verbal abuse first started.  Have
you found, like I, that disbelief and denial go hand in hand with selective
forgetting? Can you name a client right now who has developed "amnesia,"
so-to-speak, as a means of coping? For many clients, like Jenny, her first
encounter with verbal assaults led to a feeling of shock and then to blocking 
the
memory. As I describe Jenny, see if you agree that, helping her to unblock  the
memory of Tom's abuse was crucial to her validation of the abuse taking  place
and the resulting motivation to change.

Jenny, age 30, married Tom, an electrician, after they had dated for 4
months. The first time he yelled in a rant for five minutes was on their wedding
night. Jenny stated, “It was like an out-of-body experience for me. I
couldn’t
  believe that Tom would yell so violently. And all over the fact that I
tripped  slightly on the hem of my nightgown as I walked towards him in the bed.
His face  actually turned red. He yelled things like, ‘clumsy klutz, you
ruined
this  perfect moment for me! You don't think I'm going to put up with all your
  bullshit like I did when we were dating, do you?’ At first I was afraid.
What if  he hit me? But after he wound down, he felt so bad I didn’t think it
would ever  happen again. I remained optimistic. I thought we were going to be
Mr. and Mrs.  Happily-Married couple again.” For Jenny the power of feeling
that
she has  gotten the “Great Catch” is evidenced by her enthusiastic accolade
which  followed, "But Tom is everything I ever wanted. He makes really good
money as an  electrician. He doesn't drink and wants kids like I do." This
homage is a great  facilitator to her denial.

As you know, like many clients, Jenny put the honeymoon night incident
behind her and tried to pretend that it had never happened. Think of a client 
you
are currently treating whose way of coping is to ignore the problem. Your
client convinces herself that feelings of devastation aren't such a big deal.
Forgetting the impact of overwhelming events is a common defense mechanism we
all use to cut life crises down to manageable bits and pieces that can be
handled. I have found, like you, that just by the act of encouraging Jenny's
expression of feelings, and recall of the forgotten events of the first time she
can recall that sinking feeling of being abused, helps to affirm to Jenny that
  her feelings are valid.

Think of a client you are treating, or have treated, that might benefit by
recalling the first time they felt abused. Would this recall be a beneficial
feeling-validation strategy?

3. Validate feelings by looking at client excuse-making or minimizing

A third feeling-validation strategy, in addition to repositioning the  "Great
Catch" based upon the client's description, and validating feelings
concerning the first, perhaps forgotten, episode of abuse, is validation by
uncovering excuse-making and minimizing. How do you respond to your client's
excuse-making and minimizing regarding the abusive treatment they receive?

As you will see, Jenny used excuse-making and minimizing to cope with Tom’s
increasing angry flare-ups. She blamed the honeymoon-nightgown-tripping
episode  on too much stress for Tom at work. She explained, "I know he couldn't
help
  himself from getting angry. It’s no big deal now. There had just been a
major  subdivision power outage the day before our wedding. Who wouldn't be
upset
with  that level of responsibility? I'm lucky to have him. I'm lucky to have
someone  like him as a husband. He's really a great guy and didn't mean it"

I have found a good feeling-validation strategy with a client like Jenny,
who is excuse-making and minimizing, is assisting the client in identifying
their underlying values. As you know, underlying values guide your client’s
habitual reactions, as part of their core self. In Jenny, her four underlying
values that supported her excuse-making were: 1. be a good partner at all costs,
2. mask my true feelings, 3. minimize generating or expressing negative
feelings, and 4. hold on to my "great Catch" no matter how bad it gets. To help
Jenny to uncover these values that facilitated her excuse making, I used the
Gestalt technique of asking her what her inner dialogue is while Tom is
yelling.  For example, Jenny stated her inner dialogue when Tom was yelling was,
"It
isn't  that bad, I can understand why he's upset.”

Compare this with Marcy, who I described at the beginning of this track.
When asked what her inner dialogue was like…Marcy's inner dialogue was, "Oh,
it
looks like he's being Mr. Hyde again. I'm just going to forget this happened."
  What do you think about the idea of helping your client in their next
session  identify underlying values by asking them what their inner dialogue is.
Do
you  feel a discussion of their inner dialogue will help your client identify
his or  her underlying values in your next session by asking them to describe
their  inner dialogue?

In summary the three feeling-validation strategies just described are:
1. Repositioning of the abuser based upon client descriptions;
2.  Decreasing selective forgetting;
3. Exploring excuse-making or minimizing.





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

PT 1 He's a Great Catch, but...

Interesting series, written for those who want to counsel targets of  abuse.

*Note that any of this can apply to female abusers as well!


“Great Catch” Control Tactic #1: Can't-You-Take-a-Joke.

Here’s how this tactic works. Jason said hurtful things to Erin under  the
mask of being a joke. Erin, age 22, stated in one session, “When I start my
menstrual cycle, my face breaks out a lot. Jason knows I am very self-conscious
about this. I try to cover up my zits with a lot of make-up, but last Saturday
  we had two other couples over to watch the football game. We were eating
pizza.  So, in the middle of the game, Jason stood up with a piece of pizza in
his hand  and announced, 'Hey, look everybody, this looks just like Erin's
face!' When he  saw my tears of embarrassment, he yelled at me, ‘What’s your
problem, can’t you  take a joke?’”

In this example, Jason’s Can't-You-Take-a-Joke control tactic served two
purposes. First, it minimized his abuse under the guise that it was just a joke.
Second, however, at the same time he efficiently discredited the validity of
Erin's feelings. The net effect…Erin felt as if she was the one in the wrong
and  should feel ashamed. This feeling of shame is often the end result of the
“Great  Catch’s” tactic #1, Can't-You-Take-a-Joke. Thus, Jason was once
again placed in  a "One up" position in the relationship.

“Great Catch” control tactic #2: Betrayal-of-a-Confidence.

Marcy, age 25 had been married to Ron for 3 years. They have two girls,  ages
2 and 4. Ron desperately wanted a son. In our first session, Marcy sobbed,  “
I asked Ron not to tell his family about my miscarriage. Then last Sunday, at
his father’s birthday party with all of the aunts, uncles, and kids gathered,
  and after he had several beers and shots of whiskey, he blurted in a loud
voice  in a toast at the dinner table, 'My wife isn’t even woman enough to
give
me a  son!’” During my session with Marcy, she felt Ron betrayed her
confidence. This  tactic served the purpose of allowing Ron to vent his
hostility
about the  miscarriage by embarrassing Marcy in front of his family. Thus, the
purpose of  this, Betrayal-of-a-Confidence tactic, is to create a power
imbalance
and to  provide the “Great Catch” with a "One Up" status in the
relationship.

“Great Catch” control tactic #3, is Breaking-an-Agreement

In addition to the Can't-You-Take-a-Joke and Betrayal-of-a-Confidence
tactics, “Great Catch” control tactic #3, is Breaking-an-Agreement. Here’s
how  it
works. Marcy stated, "Ron makes promises and then breaks them. He’ll go on
and on about taking the girls to the park. When the day comes he has forgotten
all about it, and comes home from work late. He’ll say, ‘what else could I
do
I  had to work late? You are always whining that we don’t have enough money
aren’t  you?’" Also, Marcy feels Ron never takes time to talk. “Even when
he
says we’ll  talk after diner. Then, when I ask him how his day was or I tell
him I’ve had a  bad day, he just rolls his eyes and walks away. Even when he
had
promised we  will talk.” As you know being physically and emotionally
unavailable is an  extremely powerful tool to create power of inequity in a
relationship. Thus, the  tactic of Breaking-an-Agreement is a frequently used
tool that
facilitates being  physically, as well as emotionally, unavailable.

Oftentimes, the “Great Catch” breaks his agreements wanting to be judged by
his intentions rather than by his actions. In other words, I intended to take
  the girls to the park, but I had to work late. I intended to talk after
dinner,  but I was too tired. Think of a client you are currently treating. Does
her  “Great Catch” use the: Can't-You-Take-a-Joke tactic,
Betrayal-of-a-Confidence  tactic, Breaking-an-Agreement tactic, or a combination
of these three as
a means  to create a power imbalance and maintain a one-up status?



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Hi:

We discuss all of these topics on the "End Verbal Abuse" group,  too, at:
_http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse/_
(http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse/)   for anyone who wants
to join.

Terri


In a message dated 9/18/2006 6:32:09 PM US Mountain Standard Time,
deborah0512@... writes:




Thank you Carol, that was what i needed. I just
needed affirmation that  I am not going mad, that I am
not the one treating him badly etc. etc. Even  the
strongest of people start to doubt themselves I think
when you are  constantly bombarded with this kind of
stuff. I have ended this  relationship and I will not
be going back.

Thank you again so much  for taking the time to write,
I really appreciate the support and  observations of
someone who doesn't know either one of  us.

Deborah

--- Carol <_carolsonline@carolsonl_ (mailto:carolsonline@...) >  wrote:

> Honey, that's more than verbal abuse. That's
>  emotional and psychological
> abuse, too. He is being extremely  manipulative of
> you. You are absolutely
> right to think of  getting out of that relationship,
> regardless of the fact
> that  you broke up your marriage to start it...and I
> am terribly sorry  for
> that. *safe hugs*
>
> First of all, he has a problem  with projection. He
> is telling you that you
> are not treating  him right, when, in fact, it is he
> who is not treating you
>  right. This is a very common form of emotional
> abuse. You may have  seen a
> post a little while ago with the subject line: "I'm
> the  abuser? Games
> abusers play." They all do it: Turn the fault  around
> on you, when, in fact,
> it is they who are the problem.  ACCEPT NO BLAME FOR
> THE ABUSE. IT IS NOT
> YOUR FAULT.
>
> From the sounds of it, you're not even there when a
> lot of  the abuse is
> taking place. How, then, can it be your  fault...and
> how can you be
> mistreating him if you aren't even  with him? The man
> is silly to even
> suggest such a thing to  you.
>
> It also sounds to me that he has no right to  accuse
> you of having an
> affair. If he is back with his wife,  he is no longer
> being faithful to you
> or his relationship with  you. He has therefore
> forfeited his right to expect
> you to be  faithful to him.
>
> The fact that he was drinking when he is  nasty is no
> excuse for his
> behavior. I know many people who  are perfectly
> pleasant--even fun--to be
> around when they are  drinking. Some people are more
> pleasant or fun when
> drinking  than when they are sober. (My abusive
> father is a perfect  example.
> He's loads of fun when drunk--really playful--but
>  when he sobers up, he's
> even worse than normal.)
>
> Some  other things to consider regarding his drinking
> and its effects on  him:
> If he is, in fact, a binge drinker, he is on a
> one-way  road to alcoholism,
> if he isn't already there. Dealing with someone  who
> is addicted to *anything
> * is NO FUN. It is actually  rather nightmarish, and
> the only person who can
> change that  addiction is the addict. Until they do,
> they make everyone
>  around them miserable. If anyone even *suggests* the
> addict get help,  the
> addict will either take offense and lash out at that
>  person or will get
> depressed, go hide, and binge more than usual.  You
> do *not* want to get
> involved with someone like that.  *Trust* me. My
> father is only addicted to *
> smoking*, and  *that's* bad *enough*.
>
> Also, if that is how he behaves when  he's drinking,
> and he is, according to
> your message, a binge  drinker--which, in my mind,
> means he drinks heavily
> whenever  he is stressed, depressed, angry, or
> otherwise feeling in need  of
> some comfort--his behavior is only going to get
> worse and  happen more often
> over time. When someone becomes dependent on  a
> mind-altering substance for
> comfort from life's stressors,  they turn to it more
> and more often as time
> passes. He is  going to progress toward a point where
> he will be nasty more
>  often than not. If you get involved with him on a
> permanent basis, you  are
> going to have to deal with the mean drunk more often
> than  the way he behaves
> when he's not drinking.
>
> Please,  Deborah, look inward and find the person you
> know is worthy of  your
> self love and realize that you don't want her to be
> in  that kind of
> situation. If your concern is that you can't  survive
> without the financial
> assistance of this man, visit  your local Family
> Independence Agency or
> whatever local  government agency is in your area to
> help people like you.
> For  *immediate* assistance, go to the local women's
> shelter, explain  your
> abusive situation to them and that you have no place
> to  live if you leave
> it, and that you need help. They will be able  to
> help you from there.
>
> Be well. You have fellow  human beings who love you,
> as well as a loving
> higher power  watching over you from above. It also
> helps to pray for
>  guidance and "please, just give me the strength to
> get through this."  I've
> been doing that a lot. It took time, but things are
>  finally starting to look
> a little better, even though I'm still living  with
> my
> verbally/emotionall verbally/emotio verbally/emotionall
>
> Peace, love, and warmth to you,
> Carol
>
> On 9/15/06, deborah0512 <_deborah0512@deborah05_
(mailto:deborah0512@...) >
>  wrote:
> >
> > Hi all,
> >
> > I need some  help and opinions. I am involved with
> a man who is a
> >  binge-drinker. We broke up about three months ago
> after an
>  > alcoholic episode and what I considered to be
> subsequent  verbal
> > abuse. He refuses during these episodes to phone
>  me (probably
> > because he is drinking) and wants to  communicate
> only on text
> > message. He texts really hurtful  things, he calls
> me an f'ing lier,
> > user etc. He says I  don't treat him right, how
> can I love him and
> > treat him  like I do (I am never to sure what he is
> talking about
> >  exactly).
> >
> > Anyway, probably against my better  judgment I got
> back together with
> > him, but I told him  that I would not accept his
> verbal abuse, his
> > using text  as a communication tool when in a
> relationship problem,
> >  or his alcoholism.
> >
> > I got a new job and was sent to  NY for a course
> last week. He
> > accused me of not keeping  in touch with him enough
> while I was away,
> > although I was  working 10 - 12 hours a day. He
> has virtually
> > accused me  of having an affair with my boss, after
> I mentioned that
> >  I thought my boss was very intuitive and wise. I
> got angry at  his
> > accusations and didn't contact him for a couple of
>  days. He sent
> > flowers, with no apology, and I called him  and
> thanked him for the
> > flowers and said he could call me  if he wanted.
> Apparently this was
> > not the response he  was looking for and I was hit
> with 25 text
> > messages  calling me an f'ing liar, a user,
> attacking me in every way
>  > possible. I don't love him, because I don't treat
> him right.  How
> > can I say I love him and yet I ignore him. He
> says I  am selfish and
> > one-sided and that he is the one who gives  and
> builds me up and I
> > ignore him. By the way, I know he  was drinking at
> the time he was
> > sending these.
>  >
> > He continues to text me and I have pointed out
> that  I told him that
> > I would not tolerate texting and verbal abuse.  He
> says that he has
> > to speak to me roughly or I won't  listen to him,
> it is all my
> > fault. He loves me and he is  sorry but he speaks
> roughly to me, but
> > he has to or I  won't listen. He still has not
> called me, this is
> > all on  text message. He says he will not tolerate
> anymore bs from
>  > me.
> >
> > By the way, I broke up my marriage to be  with this
> man, and am now
>
=== message truncated  ===








[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

This Excerpt: What Became of Me?

© 2006 Richard, 21CP Author and Publisher

_http://tearsandhealing.com/_ (http://tearsandhealing.com/)

[In the book, the title of this section is "What Happened to Me?" I  realize
this has more than one meaning. So I suppose I should pick one?

A better wording might be “What Became of Me?” In all the coping and caring
and compensating and fixing… Too often it all gets focused on others: dodging
  bullets; trying to placate a partner who can’t be placated; trying to make
things ok for children in a home that really isn’t ok. Somewhere in all this,
there’s a piece missing. Nobody is taking any care of me.

Not even me.

We best care for others, and best meet our obligations, by first caring for
ourselves. Simple, but a big change in thinking for many of us.

This essay is one that falls squarely within the focus of Tears and  Healing.
It deals with our emotions and how we react when we've been mistreated,  and
helps to focus decision-making for moving forward. My writing now spans  three
dimensions of living with an abusive partner. Tears and Healing addresses
the first. Meaning from Madness explains the psychological motivations that
drive disordered people to act abusively, and also explores the current thinking
on prospects for improvement with treatment. In Love and Loving It - Or Not!
deals with the glue that draws us into and holds us in these relationships -
a  critical piece that most all of us must address. The three are now
available  together as a package.

Each of the main pages for the books now offers 3 formats: softcover,
e-book, and the quick-pack which gets you the softcover and e-book for a few 
extra
dollars with the two formats licensed to stay in the same household. That  way
you can read all you want when the e-book arrives (often within 10 minutes,
but not always) and still have the paperback to read in the tub. Similarly,
the  triple pack is available in all three formats. A new home page with every
available format of every title is out there in draft form:
_http://dalkeithpress.com/default.aspx_ (http://dalkeithpress.com/default.aspx)
]

What Happened to Me?

The one person, and the one obligation, that is neglected most by nons  is
the obligation to one’s self.

We are taught in life to persist. We are taught to finish the job, not to
give up. We are taught, in short, to use our will to push ourselves to do the 
“
right” things. And this is a big, big problem for many of us.

Feelings Over Thoughts: The problem with acting in accordance with our will
is that it puts our thoughts in charge to override our feelings. The idea is
that we know with our thoughts what is right, and our feelings are selfish,
weak, greedy, lustful, and otherwise wrong. So our feelings make us want to do
things, but our correct and right-minded thoughts tell us what is really
right,  and will provides the force that makes the thought prevail over the
feeling.

And the thing that is so terribly wrong in this model is that our thoughts
are never more right than our feelings. Could it be so?

Peck (p. 165) speaks to this very nicely, and the section on Depression and
the Unconscious (p. 68) summarizes his view. When we use will to enforce our
thoughts, we sicken ourselves - because we are acting in opposition to the
basic  life drive within us.

Perhaps this is a bit of a leap. But our feelings are the ultimate arbiter
of what is right and wrong. They come to us through prayer, meditation, or
stillness. They are, in essence, our path or channel to God.

Self-Love comes First of All - When we allow the truth that we find in our
deepest feelings to become the guiding force in our lives, we discover that
indeed I am of paramount importance. The force of will, pressing us to stay in a
  hurtful place, is gradually replaced with the truth from our inner
knowledge. We  are obligated above all to care for ourselves.

This message comes very clear from inside. The depression, the frustration,
the anger that our unhealthy relationships cause, all of these clamor for
change. They are the feelings - the signals - that we are neglecting ourselves.
And ultimately we must respect this obligation to ourselves, or we will
perish.  We will disappear as our spirits are pressed by abuse into smaller and
smaller  spaces, with greater and greater pain. Ultimately, our protection
mechanisms  will relieve this pain - by dissociation, by denial, by altered
awareness, and  ultimately by death.

Children need us - Last, many of us lose sight of the primary importance to
our children of our own mental and spiritual health. We use our will to
overcome  the pain, resentment, and deprivation of our abusive and isolated
lives to
  provide that intact family that we so value. Yet we lose sight of the damage
  that is done to us by this choice. We lose the balanced perspective we need
to  see how our parental interactions and parental models are diminished by
the hurt  we suffer and the abuse we allow.

Our first responsibility to our children is to be healthy ourselves. We
would never choose to be physically unable to care for them. We have the same
obligation to stay mentally and spiritually able to care for them. As nons we
must fight for this well being. For many of us, it can only be found by leaving
the relationship. If this is true, we are obligated to do this - to leave the
  relationship - if we are to provide the nurture and care that our children
need.

The change doesn’t have to be permanent. We can always come back. But we
need to make sure that the right changes happen in our partner’s behavior
before
we do that. And often, holding to a very serious boundary like this might be
the  only way to motivate a partner to make big changes.

© 2006 Richard, 21CP Author and Publisher

_http://tearsandhealing.com/_ (http://tearsandhealing.com/)



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

This Excerpt: Why am I In Love?

© 2006 Richard, 21CP Author and Publisher

_http://tearsandhealing.com/_ (http://tearsandhealing.com/)

[You may know that I talk with people on the phone in personal  consultation.
My objective in consulting is to get an understanding of the  person's
situation and then share my knowledge and insight to help the person  understand
the
illness they're facing and their own needs, so they can make  choices to get
happier (there's a link on the right). Much of what I need to  explain focuses
on understanding the partner's disease: the how and why of their  behavior. I
distilled this advice into my newest book,  Meaning from  Madness. This short
but powerful book is the perfect compliment to Tears &  Healing.


But for at least two thirds of those I talk to, love is still a major
stumbling block. The reality is that, when they finally reach the point where 
they
say "No more!" to the abuse and the partner doing the abusing, many people
still have feelings of being in-love with that same person. And if you don't
have some understanding of the psychological dynamic of falling in love, this is
  terribly painful and disheartening. This essay was one of my earliest
attempts  to address this.

My thoughts on the subject of falling in love have expanded considerably
since this section was written several years ago. So much so, it led to my
second book, In Love and Loving It – Or Not! In that book, I explain in depth 
the
reasons that we fall in love; how our minds go about that; what inner needs
are driving us; how we can make changes to help better things happen when fall
in love; and then contrast falling in love with love and loving relationships…
   all the stuff we all struggle with. I also talk about falling in love,
love, and  marriage and how they all work together. You can read more about it
at
In Love  and Loving It - Web page.]

Why Am I In Love?

You know, this question is so important - because it cuts to the heart  of
nearly all the issues that plague us in these relationships.

You are in love because you haven’t fulfilled yourself, and your  unconscious
mind is trying to find someone else to make that happen. And it very  often
doesn’t work. In fact, it often makes things worse.

Think about what you want from a relationship that is based on being in
love: I’ll call it an in-love relationship. By in-love I mean falling into
romantic love, head-over-heels, can’t live without her kind of stuff. What do 
you
want? Sex and nurturing. Let’s think a minute about nurturing. What kind of
things do we do in these intimate, in-love relationships that we don’t do in
our
  other relationships? We allow ourselves to be emotionally dependent on our
partner. We drop our strong, silent front, stop pretending we are everything,
and lean on our partner.

In a word, we act like children. We ask our partner to play a parenting  role
with us. We push off responsibility for at least part of our well being,  and
expect our partner to make things right. We accept ourselves as incomplete
and we seek to feel complete through another person.

The best explanation I have found for this is by Hendrix (p. 100). Hendrix
believes we have two ways we force ourselves to be incomplete. The first is
denying parts of ourselves, and the second is hiding parts of ourselves. Both
are aspects of our being, our spirit, that we refuse to express, the first
because we cannot accept that we have those traits, and the second because we
fear others’ reactions to those traits.

So again, why are you in love? To complete yourself by using another person
to provide the denied and hidden aspects of yourself. Don’t want to be in
love?  Find your whole self. Love your whole self. I can’t say I’ve achieved
this, but  I believe it is the path to emotional and spiritual health, and that
risk of  falling in-love goes down as we move down that path.

Falling in love is an unconscious mechanism that tries to compensate for  our
own failure to fully realize our full self. Accept yourself, know yourself,
love yourself. By this you can free yourself from the trap of falling in-love
yet again.

© 2006 Richard, 21CP Author and Publisher

_http://tearsandhealing.com/_ (http://tearsandhealing.com/)



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Losses, Seen and Not

Today as we remember the losses and celebrate the heroism of 9/11, the
families of those killed can be thankful for the public recognition and sharing 
of
their anguish. For some of us, touched by losses of a another sort, this day
can be difficult, and we may not even understand why.

It is easy to relate to the tragedy of 9/11. The devastation was so  visible,
so tangible, and the images were constantly in front of us, and are  again
now. It's impossible to look at them without feeling the shock and horror  of
events that destroyed so much, so many, in such a brutal way.

But crashing buildings are but one way that lives can be devastated. Some  of
us have suffered losses just as painful as those of 9/11. We, too, have lost
family members. Not to terrorism, but to disease. We, too, have had to
struggle  through the pain of building new lives, not from spouses severed from
us
by  death but severed from us by uncontrolled anger, abuse, and insanity. Even
worse, many of us were brutally treated. Some of us lost not just a spouse
but  children as well in the ensuing chaos and distortion of divorce.

But there will be no memorial ceremony for us. There is no hallowed ground
on which to stop and be reminded of the pain we have suffered. No newspaper
headlines will tell our story. Even among those close to us, the reality of our
anguish is disguised by manipulation and deceit. For us, there is no Ground
Zero.We struggle on, often isolated, and precious few can really  understand.

I've written and taught that we are shaped by our memories, true or false,
good or bad. Powerful hurts like the loss of lives and the destruction of
marriages and families have a powerful impact on us. The unspoken message of
these events is to demean and destroy what is really dear to us. These memories
and messages, so much in conflict with the life energy in our spirit, are very
damaging, and make us sick and depressed.

Healing requires a continued stream of healthier messages; messages in
harmony with our spirit; messages that reinforce that we deserve better, and 
that
the losses we suffered were hurtful and wrong.

The survivors and family members can be thankful for the public remembrance
and recognition of their hurt. For these events and this attention from others
  send powerful healing messages. In time these messages can, and will,
diminish  and replace the intense hurtful message of the 9/11 tragedy. And as
these
memories of validation and recognition accumulate, the emotional harm from
the  tragedy will diminish.

Many of us sharing these mailings are coping with losses that will not be
recognized. Shrouded in deceit, ignorance of illness and abuse, and shame, the
hurt from our losses will be ours alone to heal. Our lives have been no less
shattered than the lives of the 9/11 families. But we will struggle, largely
alone, among communities and a society that cannot comprehend what we've
experienced.

We know, at some deep level, that our losses are just as deserving of the
mourning and recognition given to 9/11.Watching others receive comfort hurts us
yet again, sending an implicit message that our suffering is not as worthy;
that  somehow they deserve to be embraced, but we do not. This compounds rather
than  heals our hurts. As so we find, even though we too mourn for the 9/11
families,  that somehow this day just does not feel right to us.

All suffering is real and valid. In a perfect world, anyone coping with
loss, whether a public tragedy like 9/11 or a private one like the devastation
caused by mental illness or addiction, would be embraced and comforted. But our
world is not perfect. Today we remember and mourn those lost on 9/11, but we
also, if only silently, need to remember and honor our own losses and
anguish.

Richard Skerritt, 9-11-2006


� 2006 Richard, 21CP Author  and Publisher

_http://tearsandhealing.com/_ (http://tearsandhealing.com/)


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

This Excerpt: Staying “For the Kids”
© 2006 Richard, 21CP Author and Publisher

_http://tearsandhealing.com/_ (http://tearsandhealing.com/)


[This section comes from the chapter on Obligation. And in  the years I've
listened and helped people in difficult situation, obligation has  to be the
most crushing of all the forces that we feel. The hardest part of  dealing with
obligation is that it comes from within, and often from a  foundation level of
belief. We often accept these ideas as absolute givens. We  then act as if we
have no freedom. Changing this means looking deep within, and  examining
beliefs in a new sometimes frightening way.

Staying in an abusive marriage "for the kids" is the cut and dried reason I
most often hear from others. I think it reflects the fact that many of us have
a  very strong preconception about what is good for our kids, and what is
responsible for us to do as parents.

There is a problem with that reasoning - one shared with other issues that
come up in abusive situations: abusers distort our reality to try to make it
match theirs. They use blame-shifting, denial, intimidation, repetition, and
the  whole spectrum of brainwashing techniques to get us to accept what they
want to  believe. Unfortunately, they're not ok, and they're also not ok for us
or our  kids. Their distortion of our reality makes it very hard for us to
judge this.  In Meaning from Madness I explore abusive behavior and the
motivation
for it in  much more detail.

The problem, then, is that we end up using a concept - the belief that an
intact family is best for kids -  that makes sense in the context of a  healthy
relationship, but our situation is far from healthy. Without the  foundation
of a healthy relationship, that belief loses validity. The balance is  now
different, and our responsibility as a parent is not to just blindly stay  the
course, but rather to overcome the distortions and truly assess the  situation
and the options for our children.

Tears & Healing explores the emotional issues in being in, and getting  out
of, an abusive relationship. In Love and Loving It - Or Not! explains how  and
why we fall in love, what real love is, and how to make changes so love  works
for us and not against us. Meaning from Madness explains what motivates  the
disordered, how they distort reality and what the prospects for improvement
are. There are packages; one with all three relationship books, and one that
adds The Way of Respect.]

Staying “For the Kids”

Feelings of parental obligation seem to me to be the strongest force  that
keeps people in hurtful relationships.

We tend to believe that to be a good parent, we must provide our children
with an intact family above all else. To this end, we tolerate abuse, isolation,
  and even allow our relationship with the children - the same children we
seek to  protect and nurture - to be limited and damaged.

Here again, there are problems with this “must”:

Options - We assume that an intact family is always better. We don’t think
about what it means to that family when one parent is ill and out of control.
We  don’t consider how a healthy parent’s interaction with the children is
dominated, restricted, and limited by the dysfunction in the home. And we
don’t
consider what the potential is for the children to have relationships in a
different family structure - one where one healthy parent is truly free to have
  a full, healthy relationship with the children.

Modeling - We don’t consider the impact on the children of the modeling we
give in an unhealthy family. Children learn to do what they live with. In a
dysfunctional home, children learn dysfunction. It’s not realistic to think
that
  a family with one parent who becomes dysphoric, acts out, rages, and puts
their  emotions before all others – even if it is only some of the time - can
model for  children a healthy relationship. We ignore the damage that the
dysfunctional  modeling does, and we ignore the potential to model a healthy
relationship for  them with a healthy partner.

Safety - We become so used to abuse, so accustomed to using our adult  skills
to cope with abuse and dysphoria, that we don’t realize the home may not  be
emotionally safe for the children. Really, in our obligations as a parent,
the safety of the children must be among the first –certainly more urgent and
important than providing an intact family model. Yet our own psychological
defenses – denial and even dissociation – prevent us from understanding how
potentially unsafe the home may be.

Nons are usually devoted to their children. But understanding the whole
picture, with all the trade-offs in providing what our children need, is
essential if we are to free ourselves from blind obligation to keep them in an 
intact
but dysfunctional family.

© 2006 Richard, 21CP Author and Publisher

_http://tearsandhealing.com/_ (http://tearsandhealing.com/)


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Healthy vs. Toxic Love

Healthy Love
Development of self first.

Unhealthy or Toxic Love
Obsession with relationship.

Healthy Love
Room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow.

Unhealthy or Toxic Love
Security, comfort in sameness; intensity of need seen as proof of love (may
really be fear, insecurity, loneliness)

Healthy Love
Separate interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful  relationships.

Unhealthy or Toxic Love
Total involvement; limited social life; neglect old friends,  interests.

Healthy Love
Encouragement of each other's expanding; secure in  own worth.

Unhealthy or Toxic Love
Preoccupation with other's behavior; fear of other changing.

Healthy Love
Appropriate Trust (i.e., trusting partner to behave  according to fundamental
nature).

Unhealthy or Toxic Love
Jealousy; possessiveness; fear of competition; protects  "supply."

Healthy Love
Compromise, negotiation or taking turns at leading.  Problem solving
together.

Unhealthy or Toxic Love
Power plays for control; blaming; passive or aggressive  manipulation.

Healthy Love
Embracing of each other's individuality.

Unhealthy or Toxic Love
Trying to change other to own image.

Healthy Love
Relationship deals with all aspects of  reality.

Unhealthy or Toxic Love
Relationship is based on delusion and avoidance of the unpleasant.

Healthy Love
Self-care by both partners; emotional state not  dependent on other's mood.

Unhealthy or Toxic Love
Expectation that one partner will fix and rescue the other.

Healthy Love
Loving detachment (healthy concern about partner,  while letting go).

Unhealthy or Toxic Love
Fusion (being obsessed with each other's problems and  feelings).

Healthy Love
Sex is free choice growing out of caring &  friendship.

Unhealthy or Toxic Love
Pressure around sex due to insecurity, fear & need for immediate
gratification.

Healthy Love
Ability to enjoy being alone.

Unhealthy or Toxic Love
Unable to endure separation; clinging.

Healthy Love
Cycle of comfort and contentment.

Unhealthy or Toxic Love
Cycle of pain and  despair.




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Why Do I Long for Her?
© 2006 Richard, 21CP Author and Publisher

_http://tearsandhealing.com/_ (http://tearsandhealing.com/)


[Many of us in (or formerly in) relationships with abusive partners have
observed a tendency to fall back into the same patterns in succeeding
relationships. For many of us, we wonder if this is the equivalent of a 
“relationship
death sentence”. I’m happy to say that for me it has not been so. 
Awareness,
though, is key. One part of this awareness is recognizing the  tendency toward
partners with specific traits. This section, from the chapter on  Dealing
with Love, explains one piece of that puzzle. I explain this much more
completely in my second book, In Love and Loving It – Or Not!

As time progresses, my offering continues to grow to address the different
challenges that we face in dealing with abusive partners and setting a future
path to something better. Let me take a few lines and outline the three books
I  now have for this audience:

Tears and Healing, my first book, deals with the emotional challenges of
recognizing an abusive situation and building a new emotional and moral
foundation that can allow to escape from the crush of abuse. This book is about 
you
and your thoughts and feelings about your life situation.

In Love and Loving It - Or Not!, my second book, goes into much more depth
in explaining how and why we fall in love, and how that relates to a loving
relationship, which is different. Since most of us got into our abusive
situations by falling in love, and stayed there partly because of that, this is 
a
key issue for us. It isn't just important in dealing with our current or past
relationship, but also for the future. This book can help you take concrete
steps to make this aspect of your emotional life work better for you.

Meaning from Madness is my new mini-book. It addresses the issues I spend  so
much time on in personal consultation: what drives a disordered person to do
what they do? Personality disordered people have a psychological dynamic that
  makes them think and act in ways that are totally different from us, and
totally  puzzling until we start to learn what makes them tick. Part of
understanding is  also knowing what are the possibilities for improvement with
treatment. This  book offers factual insight rather than emotional insight, and
really
is an  essential addition to Tears and Healing.

And the first book I ever wrote (thought not the first I published) is my
favorite: The Way of Respect, which presents the ancient eastern Taoist
philosophy in modern language.

You can also get the first three or all four in one stroke.]


Why Do I Long for Her (or Him)? - Imago Theory

I hear this question a lot, and since I worked hard to get a plausible
explanation of this for myself, I want to offer this short discourse on Imago
Relationship Theory, attributable to Hendrix.

Imago - Each of us forms an Image (called an imago – pronunciation: i mah
go) based on the characteristics of our primary caregivers as young children.
This subconscious image includes the shortcomings in those people, including
how  we were hurt or neglected. It determines who we will fall in love with.
When we  meet an imago match, we quickly feel like we’ve always known him, we
can’
t  remember being without him. We fee that we aren’t complete without him,
that we  must have him. Our subconscious is overjoyed at finding the person who
once had  cared for us, and will now resume and make everything right.

Romantic love overwhelms us and makes us behave in unselfish ways, and see
only the good in the person. Invariably this peters out (usually soon after
engagement or marriage) and the person hurts us in the same way as our childhood
  caregivers (this is why they match our image), and we are ill prepared to
deal  with this. The relationship falters, and if both partners cannot grow to
overcome the weaknesses that they have, the relationship will fail. By this
time, our subconscious has caught on that this person isn’t going to make
everything right, and we are ready to go find another imago match. This is
commonly called falling out of love.

The bad news is that these feelings of necessity are very strong early in
the relationship. The good news: there are lots of imago matches in the world,
and you can find others if you work at it. More bad news: since you failed in
your first relationship, and didn’t overcome your weaknesses, you’ll do it
all  over again.

If you’re not used to thinking about how your mind and feelings work
together, this might sound like psycho-babble. But it is a very powerful model 
that
fits with real life experience. It really helped me to move on when my
subconscious went out and found a near-clone of my BPW and flattened me into 
love
with her. So theories like this can help you see what’s happening in a
different way, makes better choices about how you react, and move on to feeling
better.

Hendrix has at least two books: Getting the Love You Want (for couples) and
Keeping the Love You Find (for singles) (p. 163). They’re wordy but well worth
  the time and effort if you are struggling to understand why you are so in
love  with someone, or how to get out of love with someone who is bad for you.

© 2006 Richard, 21CP Author and Publisher

_http://tearsandhealing.com/_ (http://tearsandhealing.com/)


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Onions and Scrambled Eggs - Part 1
© 2006 Richard, 21CP Author and Publisher

_http://tearsandhealing.com/_ (http://tearsandhealing.com/)


In this essay, I talk about the perception we often form of disordered
partners; a perception that they are, at heart, normal healthy and loving 
people.
Somehow we imagine that they've been burdened with a disruptive illness,  and
that if we could just "peel away" that illness, we would have the wonderful
person within.

This raises two issues, both of which I explore in greater depth in my new
Meaning from Madness. The first is the question of what is at the core of
disordered people. In reality, their behavior can span a very wide range, and we
have to sort out what that means about them as people and as partners. The
second is the question of healing, something that many of us have outdated ideas
  about based on what we read and hear. Meaning from Madness deals with the
underlying dynamics and psychological defense mechanisms of the three disorders
  that show up in abusers: borderline, narcissistic, and sociopathic
(antisocial),  and it gives an updated outlook on treatment prospects. The book
comes
directly  out of the explanations that people need to hear when they consult
with me, and  I recommend it as the ideal complement to Tears and Healing.

In keeping with Tears and Healing's focus on us rather than them, the
message in this excerpt is focused on us and our beliefs about our partners. 
When
our partners have personality disorders, especially the abusive ones named
above, they are pretty seriously troubled people. Our natural inclination is to
think the best of people, and that attitude can lead to a lot of hurt. This
essay is an attempt to get to the reality of the situation.

The third piece in this relationship puzzle is the issue of being in love,
which I address in In Love and Loving It - Or Not! The title is a not-so-subtle
  reference to the anguish these feelings of love can cause when things don't
go  right. The three books can be had in a package. Check the links on the
right.

Today is the first half of this essay.]

Onions and Scrambled Eggs - Part 1

Well, Many nons feel that there is a “good core” in their PDSOs
(significant others with a personality disorder, including borderline, 
narcissistic and
antisocial) and that, much like an onion, they can somehow peel  the layers of
the disorder away, revealing this beautiful diamond core. Of  course, most
all of us live (or did) with behavior that varies all over the map  from violent
to adorable. Is it just a layer?

If you’re going to make good decisions, it’s important to understand what
you live with. First, let’s look at PDs who are sick, in denial, and don’t
accept responsibility. This isn’t a mood. This isn’t a passing state. I’ll
say
more about healing later, but to begin, we need to keep in mind that PDs are
disordered and will stay that way until they accept responsibility for
themselves The idea of a shimmering diamond is enticing, but is it there?

One analogy I have used around this issue is:

“My H is really a good, law-abiding person. It’s just that every once in a
while he robs a bank. But really, deep down inside, he is a good, law abiding
person.”

The only way I can make sense of this kind of alternating behavior is to
back up from it. In my mind, the basic truth is:

Good, law-abiding people don’t rob banks. When you see someone rob a bank,
you know they are not a law abiding person.

I would apply this to a definition of a loving person: A loving person does
not demean, derogate, hit, kick, spit on, or rage at other people. When you
see  these behaviors, you know that you are not seeing a loving person.

A disordered person is just that: disordered. There is no gem of  personality
inside the disorder. This is why they are called personality  disorders -
because they disorder the entire structure of the person. Living  with a
disordered person and thinking there is a sparkling diamond waiting for  us to
uncover
is unrealistic. We can never peel this onion. A PD is more like a  scrambled
egg. The tendency to be loving and good is intertwined with the  compulsion to
be hurtful. There is not some diamond inside, covered by a crust.  The whole
person is disordered - scrambled, if you will. You get it all  together, or
you get nothing. You might read the Parable of the Tree (p.  70).

Projected diamonds: And what is it that makes up this scrambled mess? Is it
a diamond? Is it the precious person we imagine? Well, only healing will tell,
  but it’s not likely. The “ideal” persona that we sometimes see in our SOs
is not  an expression of their true self. It is a facade, held up to avoid
rejection.  Surely that cannot represent their core. And like everyone, we
project
our own  wishes and desires onto others, including our SOs. “Oh, isn’t she
sweet?” we coo  at a toddler, even though she may be far from it. It is what
we
value and wish  to see. We do this with our SOs, too. I talk about this a
little in On Changing  Values (p. 117). Our perceptions of our SOs are distorted
by both their ideal  facades and our own projected desires.

Not our onion: More importantly, even if this were an onion, it is not our
onion to peel. Only the disordered person can choose to do that. It is not our
responsibility to do that; it is not within our power to do that. If we are
focused on “helping” our PDSO, we are in the wrong place. We need to be
focused  on helping ourselves. It is up to our SOs to choose to change.

[continued in next excerpt...]

© 2006 Richard, 21CP Author and Publisher

_http://tearsandhealing.com/_ (http://tearsandhealing.com/)


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Onions and Scrambled Eggs - Part 2
© 2006 Richard, 21CP Author and Publisher

_http://tearsandhealing.com/_ (http://tearsandhealing.com/)


PDs and Healing

In the section Memory Shapes Us (p. 124), I talk about a model for how  abuse
affects us. One part of that model is the life energy that I believe we  all
possess, which I call our spirit. This is the wellspring of all our
motivation and the source of the energy that drives our lives. Everyone has a 
spirit,
and that includes PDs. Indeed, PDs seem to have a tremendous life energy
drive - it’s just that it finds expression in unhealthy and hurtful ways.

The wonderful aspect of our spirit is its phenomenal power to heal us. When
we can open ourselves to its energy and its messages, it can empower and
enable  us to achieve amazing things. Even healing a personality disorder.

But to make this happen, the PD must assume responsibility for his life and
his behavior. Once someone accepts that he is responsible for the choices he
makes and the way he behaves, he can then begin to tap that life energy and
use  it for healing. But it is like a catch 22. A primary defense for PDs is
denial  and blame shifting. So before healing can start, denial must stop. But
this  means a big part of the disease must stop before healing can begin. What a
mess!  It really takes a leap of faith to get started.

And when healing takes place, a new person must be melded from what is
present and what is learned in the healing process. Old coping habits must be
dropped; new ones substituted. Patterns of thought must change. Yes, the spirit
within that person can emerge, and can find expression as a complete person,
but  the shape of that newly formed diamond is unknown until it is formed. It is
a  rebirth and reformation process the outcome of which can’t be known
beforehand.

Staying Realistic
My point in saying this is not that we must all  abandon everyone who is not
well, but we need to be realistic about what we are  living with. Loving
people don’t abuse. Abusers are not loving people. And no  matter how much we
love
our SOs, as long as they remain in denial, our love will  not bring out some
precious hidden personality. Only our troubled partners can  make the choice to
take responsibility for their own lives and strive to be  well. Those that
choose to make life changes can overcome their compulsion to be  harmful and
evolve a new and unknown personality. Unfortunately, few PDs will  make that
choice.

A stable, loving partner can help reduce the compulsion to be harmful, but
doesn’t generally bring forth a loving relationship. Therapy and medication
can
  help, but generally only to reduce the intensity and frequency of the harm.
If  the PD does not make the gut-wrenching commitment to take responsibility,
things  will never be normal.

The diamond is an illusion, painted by them to overcome the problems they
know they have, reinforced by our projected needs. In my case, it was a fantasy
inspired by outward appearance and my projection of an idealized “inner spirit
”  (the diamond) onto her.

Regardless of whether our intention is to stay, be ambivalent, or go, it is
important to get a realistic perspective as soon in OUR lives as we can, and
understand the key difference between denial and assumption of responsibility,
  so that we can better deal with what confronts us.

Are you seeing a diamond at the core of someone who treats you horribly?  Get
all three books and get the whole picture on your situation.

Struggling with how to find a healthy love in your life? In Love and Loving
It - Or Not! can help you really understand what is going on inside your mind,
  and work that process to get happier.

If you're ready to understand what is going on in your partner, get Meaning
from Madness and get the explanation for what drives disordered behavior.


© 2006 Richard, 21CP Author and Publisher

_http://tearsandhealing.com/_ (http://tearsandhealing.com/)


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Forgiving Your Abuser...

If I had to think of a situation that was less conducive to forgiving
another's behavior, it would have to be when a marriage is falling apart. How 
can
you possibly be expected to forgive your spouse for cheating, or lying, or
being an abuser? It's too much to ask! Or is it?

Forgiving is an essential element of successful relationships in  general
whether it is forgiving your date for being late, forgiving your  husband for
not
remembering your birthday, forgiving your boss for not giving  you the raise
you deserve, or forgiving your mother for the name she chose for  you at
birth.

It's not always easy to forgive. But without the act of forgiving you  will
not be able to move past the anger the other person's 'wrong' has produced  in
you. Anger may put all your relationships in jeopardy. With enough rage
inside yourself, you can cause damage even to the 'innocent' persons in your 
life.
Children, family, friends, new lovers, and spouses. Ever meet someone who
was so bitter and angry you wanted to avoid them like the plague? Don't be one
of those people.

Can there be any doubt that unforgiveness and the resulting  anger motivates
a man to stalk and kill his unfaithful wife? Can there be  any doubt that
unforgiveness and the resulting anger motivates a woman to  destroy her
ex-husband's reputation with lies and innuendo? Can there be any  doubt that
unforgiveness and the resulting anger motivates an employee to return  to the
workplace
with a rifle...

It's not easy to forgive the pain of betrayal, the pain of abuse, the pain
of loss... Yet, without forgiving, you cannot move forward to new, fresh
relationships.

Forgiving does not mean you will allow your spouse to continue to abuse  you,
or cheat on you, or make your life miserable. You don't even have to tell
that person to their face that you forgive them. It means you don't hold onto
your anger or rage anymore at the person. It means you forgive the weakness he
or she is unwilling or unable to control.

Forgiving does not mean you will remain in a bad marriage if your spouse
cannot change his or her behavior.

Forgiving does not mean you must be friends with the woman who slept with
your husband or the man who slept with your wife.

Forgiving does not mean you will continue a friendship with a person who is
mean-spirited toward you.

Forgiving does not mean you won't seek legal recourse against a boss who is
discriminatory.

Forgiving the actions of others helps to remove damaging anger and rage  from
within you.

How many times have you wondered if you did all you could to save your
marriage? 'Forgive' yourself for having the courage to leave a situation without
hope.

Forgive for YOUR future.

Take care of yourself.

Lost Source




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