I found this on a recovery site and thought it beautiful and worth
sharing.

One Day at a Time...

There are two days in every week about which we should not worry,
two days which should be kept free of fear and apprehension.

One of these days is Yesterday with its mistakes and cares, it's
faults and blunders, its aches and pains.  Yesterday.  We cannot
undo a single act we performed; we cannot erase a single word we
said...Yesterday is gone.

The other day we should not worry about is Tomorrow with its
possible adversaries, its burdens, its large promise and poor
performance.  Tomorrow is also beyond our immediate control.
Tomorrow's sun will rise in splendor or behind a mask of clouds, but
it will rise.  Until it does, we have no stake in Tomorrow, for it
is yet unborn.

This leaves only one day...Today.  Anyone can fight the battle of
just one day.  It is only when you and I add the burdens of those
two awful extremities; Yesterday and Tomorrow, that we break down.
It is not the experience of Today that drives us mad -- it is
remorse or bitterness for something which happened Yesterday and the
dread of what Tomorrow will bring.

Just FYI folks: Member Christina Dille at _healing1stepatatime@..._
(mailto:healing1stepatatime@...) ,  who would communicate with "women
only"
here, left the group a little while back  after I told her we don't permit
female members to ignore or exclude male  members based on their gender.
Therefore, no point in some of you  female members trying to be cute by posting
to
Christina here and  offering to be one of her "women only" buddies! Thank you!

Terri

SPEAK UP!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess




Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse  Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)


Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

This Excerpt: Abandondment/Vulnerability
© 2006 Richard, 21CP Author and Publisher

_http://tearsandhealing.com/_ (http://tearsandhealing.com/)


[Originally, I thought the oscillating dynamic described in this essay was
peculiar to those with borderline personality disorder (BPD). It can be
explained for borderlines based on their fear of rejection combined with their
desire for intimacy.

But, as I describe in my new Meaning from Madness, I now believe that
borderline and narcissistic personality disorders (PDs) share the same 
underlying
emotional defect, with different coping strategies. Both have  intense,
terrifying, and unrealistic fears that others will hurt them. These  fears can
be
triggered by the most innocuous of events or statements, and this  is what
causes
them to sabotage intimacy in their relationships. Since both of  these PDs
have the same underlying driver, it's no surprise that this kind of  on-off,
push-pull dynamic seems to go on with those that have both narcissistic
personality disorder and borderline personality disorder.


I don’t have a good fundamental explanation for why this happens with
sociopaths. I believe their emotional defects are essentially opposite to 
BPD/NPD,
in that they have a deficit in their sensitivity toward others, vs. the
hypersensitivity that BPs and NPs have. In principle I would expect a pure
sociopath person to never move toward intimacy, except as a manipulative sham.
Perhaps we see it in people identified as sociopaths because PDs do not come in
"pure" form, and people can have traits of  two or more PDs. Whatever the
reason, those living with sociopaths also relate to this essay, and it is good 
to
know that we are not alone in experiencing this kind of whipsaw.]

Abandonment/Vulnerability

The flip-flop of emotions in a BP relationship can be devastating. This is
usually called abandonment/ engulfment. It’s described well in Stop Walking on
Eggshells by Mason and Kreger.

I’ve been split into oblivion by two women I’ve gotten close to, and I
struggled to understand the dynamic. Both women ended their relationship with me
by simply acting as if I didn’t exist, presumably because they had connected
me  with some prior, very painful experience. It’s a coping mechanism that
protects  them from anything or anyone that reminds them of memories that are
too
painful  to deal with.

In trying to understand these experiences, I took a little different view.  I’
ve been influenced by an interesting book: Struggle for... Intimacy by
Woititz  (p 163), which deals with the behavior of Adult Children of Alcoholics
(ACOA) in  intimate relationships.

Abandonment: BPs, ACOAs, and other unlucky souls were abandoned as  children.
Not that they were left on the steps of an orphanage - that would have  been
much preferable. These people were abandoned up close and personal. When  they
needed love and support from their parents, their parents were right there
to NOT give it to them. Moreover, they were told, over and over, implicitly and
  explicitly, that they were despicable people and that the terrible problems
in  their families were all their fault. They emerge from childhood feeling
that  they are terribly faulty people and that no one will ever be there for
them. To  protect themselves from the pain of this belief, they put up a mask of
very  proper and attractive behavior so that others won’t see how awful they
are.

So into their adult lives you come, attracted (so they think) by this false
facade. They don’t realize that you actually see their flaws. They are
terrified  that you will see through the facade and discover what an awful
person
they are.  Once you see this, CERTAINLY you will abandon them just like their
parents did.  They struggle to make the mask perfect, but it can’t be done. At
some point,  some error, some tiny flaw (trigger) becomes evident.

Well, the game’s up; you now know how faulty they are. All you have to do  is
not fall over yourself reassuring them, and that’s proof positive that you’
re  outta there. They’re going to freak out and all kinds of strange behavior
will  emerge.

One way they might react is projection: “There seems to be a problem here.
It can’t possibly be me. Therefore it must be you.” And since you have a
problem  bad enough that you would abandon her over it, it looks pretty bad as
your
  problem, too. You’re gonna catch it for that.

Or, you may be hoovered (sucked back in, á la the vacuum cleaner) with all
their might, trying to put that facade back in place and make things right. Or
they may go to great lengths to get you to reaffirm your devotion to them, to
  the point of threatening suicide.

Vulnerability: Well, here I take a little different spin on things form the
standard “engulfment” idea. I find it makes more sense to think of this in
terms  of vulnerability. Let’s explore the childhood experience again. Here
you
have a  child who needed emotional support. She opened herself up emotionally
to her  parents to receive this support. Instead she received emotional or
physical  attacks. She has learned that to stay safe, she must not expose her
vulnerability to anyone else.

Of course, everyone wants intimate emotional support. And as an adult, she
may eventually give in to this desire and start to open herself to you. She
wants loving intimacy. But her childhood experiences force her to be on high
alert for attack. After all, this is all she’s ever known.

Unknowingly, you rub you nose the wrong way, or do something else that
triggers her connection to painful memories. Well, her parents always did that. 
To
her, this feels like a sure sign that you are secretly planning to  attack.

Your ruse is up. Just as you thought you were getting close to her, you had
to go and rub your nose the wrong way and spoil everything. She sees through
you  now. You are just like her parents, and emotions take over. Her fear is
overwhelming, and causes her to attack back, or run. Maybe both. She may be so
frightened by being vulnerable to you that she may turn you into the evil
torturers that she had to live with as a child. It’s not that she thinks
you’re
  like them. She’s not thinking at all. The emotions are in control. As I like
to  say: emotion overwhelms cognition.

Your tiny action (trigger) was enough to make you fit the pattern. Her  fears
were unleashed from inside, and you are now a terrifying attacker. You  might
even be split right out of existence - simply become a non-entity. After
all, that will at least make her safe.

So I like to think of it as abandonment/ vulnerability. Her self-loathing
leads her to be sure you’ll want to abandon her as soon as you see through
her.
Her experience of being attacked as a child means she will sense an impending
  attack when she makes herself vulnerable to you, and she will push you away
to  stay safe.

Don’t leave me; you’re terrible - the two edges of the BP  sword.

One reader: "Thank you very much Richard.  Everything  you've written has
been beyond words to convey how vitally important it has been  for me."

© 2006 Richard, 21CP Author and Publisher

_http://tearsandhealing.com/_ (http://tearsandhealing.com/)




SPEAK UP!

Be who you are and  say what you feel,
because those who mind don't matter,
and those who  matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess



Yahoo!  Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)


Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Recognizing Patterns of Verbal Abuse

VERBAL ASSAULTS: berating, belittling, criticizing, name calling,  screaming,
threatening, excessive blaming, using sarcasm and humiliation.  Blowing flaws
out of proportion and making fun in front of others. Over time,  this type of
abuse erodes the victim's sense of self confidence and self  worth.

DOMINATION: which can be described as someone wanting to control your  every
action. They must have their own way and will resort threats to get it.  When
you allow someone else to dominate you, you can lose respect for  yourself.

EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL: the other person plays on your fear, guilt,  compassion,
values or other "hot buttons" to get what they want. This could  include
threats to end the relationship, the "cold shoulder," or use of other  fear
tactics to control you.

UNPREDICTABLE RESPONSES: drastic mood changes or sudden emotional  outbursts.
Whenever someone in your life reacts very differently at different  times to
the same behavior from you, tells you one thing one day and the  opposite the
next; likes something you do one day and hates it the next, you are  being
abused with unpredictable responses. This behavior is damaging because it  puts
you always on edge. You are always waiting for the other shoe to drop and  you
can never know what's expected of you. You must remain hypervigilant,  waiting
for the other person's next outburst or change of mood. Living with  someone
like this is tremendously demanding and anxiety provoking, causing the  abused
person to feel constantly frightened, unsettled and off balance.

GAS LIGHTING: the other person may deny that certain events occurred or  that
certain things were said. You know differently. The other person may deny
your perceptions, memory and very sanity. (If a borderline has been
disassociating, they may indeed remember reality differently than you do.)

CONSTANT CHAOS: the other person may deliberately start arguments and  be in
constant conflict with others. The person may be "addicted to drama" since  it
creates excitement.

ABUSIVE EXPECTATIONS: the other person places unreasonable demands on  you
and wants you to put everything else aside to tend to their needs. It could  be
a demand for constant attention, frequent sex or a requirement that you spend
all your free time with the person. But no matter how you give, it's never
enough. You are subject to constant criticism and you are constantly berated
because you don't fulfill all the needs of this person.

There are many categories of verbal abuse. They encompass a variety of
behaviors that will be easily recognizable by those experiencing them. They
include:

Blocking and Diverting: this category of verbal abuse specifically controls
interpersonal communication. The abuser may refuse to communicate, establishes
  what can be discussed and determines when the conversation is finished.
Examples  of blocking are: "You think you know it all;" "That's a lot of bunk;"
"Just drop  it;" "Who asked you?"; "Where did you get a stupid idea like that?",
etc.

Control Complete control of any or all aspects of another's life;  including
where and when one goes; what one reads, listens to, or views; how one
dresses; control of bank accounts and spending; refusal to share money, food,
transportation.

Denial:  the inability to admit and take responsibility for  ones actions and
words concurrent with accusations and blame directed at the one  abused.
Examples: "I never said that, you can't get anything straight", "You’re 
lying,
making that all up to make me look bad", "Where did you get that crazy  idea?"

Discounting/Dismissiveness/Disregard: dismissal and/or complete  disregard of
ones feelings, opinions, abilities, and skills. Refusal to  socialize and/or
spend time with one. Denigration and/or denial of the  experience, skills,
maturity, and abilities of another; often marked by  distortion and/or
fabrication. Examples: "You call that art? Even a chimpanzee  could do better
than
that!", "You are so dumb you couldn't even add up two and  two and get four!"

Harassment/Jealousy: harassment and/or accusations about imagined  affairs,
spending habits, clothing styles, friends and/or acquaintances,  co-workers,
and personal activities.

Jokes: this type of abuse is not done in jest. Disparaging comments
disguised as jokes often refer to the feminine nature of the partner, to her
intellectual abilities, or to her competency. It cuts to the quick, touches the 
most
sensitive areas, and leaves the abuser with a look of triumph.

Judging and criticizing: usually this type of verbal abuse carries a
judgmental tone. Remarks and comments that negate or discount a partner's 
feelings
and efforts are: "The trouble with you is...."; "You're never  satisfied....";
"You're too sensitive...."; "You don't know what you're talking  about...";
"You don't try hard enough...."; "You always have an  excuse...."

Manipulation: use of lies contradictions to keep one off-balance and
confused; to maneuver and otherwise force or trick one into doing  "favors".

Threats: threatens to hurt family members, friends, or pets. Threatens  to
destroy personal belongings, or to take control of personal asset's (car,
finances, clothing, etc.). Threatens to use a weapon or an object to harm and/or
kill.

Trivializing: trivializing says, in so many words, that what you have  done
or expressed is insignificant. This type of abuse is often difficult to  detect
as it can be very subtle. One is left feeling depressed and frustrated  but
isn't quite sure why. Nothing you say or do is important or meaningful or  good
enough. Little heed is paid to your comments or suggestions.

Violence: destruction of personal belongings, furniture, appliances.
Punching holes in walls. Harming or killing pets. Physically throwing one out of
the
home and/or preventing entry into the home.

Withholding: if there is a relationship, then there must be an  exchange of
information. Simply put, withholding is a choice one partner makes  to keep
virtually all one's thoughts, feelings, opinions, hopes and dreams to  oneself
and to remain silent and aloof toward the other partner. The verbal  abuser may
go for months without attempting to engage his partner in meaningful
interaction. For the victim this can also be done to keep a certain amount of 
safety
around them. Withholding of approval and/or acknowledgement. There is  always
trust issues in an abusive relationship.

Other types of verbal abuse include name calling, threatening, denial,
undermining and ordering. All of these abusive behaviors prohibit normal, 
healthy
interaction between two adults as well as a lack of respect for  individual
thoughts, feelings, and opinions. A healthy, mutual interaction and
conversation between two persons respects and promotes the right of each partner
to
their own individual thoughts, perceptions and values. This not only happens 
with
adults but with children also.






SPEAK  UP!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who  mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group  Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)






[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

SIGNS OF UNHEALTHY BOUNDARIES

Talking at an intimate level of the first meeting.

Falling in love with new acquaintance.

Falling in love with someone who reaches out.

Being overwhelmed by a person -- preoccupied.

Acting on first sexual impulse.

Being sexual for partner, not self.

Going against personal values or rights to please others.

Not noticing when someone else displays inappropriate boundaries.

Not noticing when someone invades your boundaries.

Accepting food, gifts, touch, sex,that you don't want.

Touching a person without asking.

Taking as much as you can get for the sake of getting.

Giving as much as you can give for the sake of giving.

Allowing someone to take as much as they can from you.

Letting others direct your life.

Letting others define you.

Believing others can anticipate your needs.

Expecting others to fill your need automatically.

Falling apart so someone will take care of you.

Self abuse.

Sexual and physical abuse.






SPEAK  UP!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who  mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group  Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)






[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

_The Abused Men's  Area_ (http://home.earthlink.net/~elnunes/abindex.htm)

(_http://home.earthlink.net/~elnunes/abindex.htm_
(http://home.earthlink.net/~elnunes/abindex.htm) )



SPEAK  UP!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who  mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group  Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)






[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Relationship Conflict: Healthy or Unhealthy

There is no such thing as a relationship without conflict.

Conflict is a part of life. It exists as a reality of any relationship,  and
is not necessarily bad. In fact, a relationship with no apparent conflict  may
be unhealthier than one with frequent conflict. Conflicts are critical
events that can weaken or strengthen a relationship. Conflicts can be 
productive,
creating deeper understanding, closeness and respect, or they can be
destructive, causing resentment, hostility and divorce.

How the conflicts get resolved, not how many occur, is the critical factor
in determining whether a relationship will be healthy or unhealthy, mutually
satisfying or unsatisfying, friendly or unfriendly, deep or shallow, intimate
or  cold. Conflicts run all the way from minor unimportant differences to
critical  fights. There are conflicts of needs, wants, preferences, interests,
opinions,  beliefs and values.

Styles of Conflict Resolution:

Avoiding or denying the existence of a conflict.

Many people prefer to give in rather than struggle through the  conflict.

Some people get mad and blame the other person.

Others are competitive and have to win. They use their power and  influence
to control and get their way.

Some appear to compromise but are subtly manipulative in trying to win  more
ground.

A few people can control their anger, competitive, I-give-up feelings  and
self- serving tendencies and genuinely seek a fair, optimal solution for  both
parties. This is a creative integrative approach.


Three Types of Healthy Solutions:

Win-win. Most conflicts are in areas that have more than two alternatives.
If you do not like the choice your partner wants, and your partner does not l
ike  your choice, with a little more effort you might be able to find another
alternative that you both like and want.

No lose. When you cannot find an alternative that you both want, look  for an
option that is acceptable to both of you, or negotiate an agreeable
compromise. Neither gets everything he/she wanted, but each gets enough to be
satisfied.

Win-lose equally. When the conflict is over an issue that has only two
choices, one person will get what he/she wants and the other will not. There 
will
be a winner and a loser. If you are fair with each other and generally half
the time each gets your own way; it will be easier for each of you when you  don
’t. The loser will trust that next time or the time after that he/she will be
  the winner.

Healthy Conflict Resolution is easy to understand intellectually, but not  as
easy to apply and use consistently. It does however become easier once the
skills and trust are developed. Both partners must view their conflicts as a
problem to be solved by them. It isn’t getting the best deal for me; it is
finding the best solution for us. They each must actively participate and make
the effort and commitment to work hard together to find solutions that are fair
  and acceptable to both.

If you disregard, minimize or invalidate your spouse’s position, or if you
must always get your way, you will damage your relationship. Your lack of
sensitivity, consideration and respect of your spouse’s position will cause
hurt
and smoldering resentment. If fear and power is used to win, the relationship
will be mortally wounded.

If you are just a willing giver constantly trying to keep your spouse happy
by satisfying his/her needs and avoiding conflict, you will also damage your
relationship. You will inadvertently teach your spouse to be insensitive to
your  needs and self-serving at your expense. Your self-esteem and self-worth
will  deteriorate. Resentment will fester, poisoning you to the relationship.

Attitudes Needed for Healthy Conflict Resolution:

Start with the right frame of mind. Approach the conflict as two equals
working together to solve a problem.  Don’t be so caught-up with your 
immediate
want that you lose sight of and forget your more important want of  having a
long, healthy relationship. If you are too angry or hurt to be able to  control
your feelings and remain respectful let yourself calm down before  dealing
with the issue.

Handling a conflict with a loved one, or someone you want to have a good,
long-term relationship with is different than negotiating with someone who 
doesn
’t care about your needs, such as a used-car salesman. With a loved one you
have to be concerned with his/her best interests. You both should be open,
honest and remain respectful, not deceptive, manipulative or disrespectful.
Mutual trust is a necessary core issue in a healthy, long-term relationship and
neither partner should do anything to weaken it.

Having a negative, distrustful attitude is detrimental to this process:
believing you must win the argument or otherwise lose face is a bad attitude;
feeling superior or being hard nosed and feeling inferior or being a soft touch
are also harmful approaches.

Stages of Healthy Conflict Resolution:

Identify the problem or issues. Have a discussion to understand both sides
of the problem, conflicts, needs and preferred outcomes. Clarify to each other
exactly what the conflict or problem involves. This is the initial stage
where  you say what you want and you listen to what your partner wants. The goal
at  this stage is for you each to clearly express what you each want and to
understand what the other wants. Use I message language and avoid the blaming
you messages. Also use your active listening skills when you listen to your
partner’s side.

Generate several possible solutions. This is the creative integrative  part.
Drawing upon the things you both agree on and upon your shared goals and
interests, look for several possible alternatives that might solve the problem.
Avoid evaluating and judging each idea until it looks as though no more are
going to be suggested. This is a brainstorming approach.

Evaluate the alternative solutions. Consider each suggested solution  and
eliminate those that are not acceptable to either of you. Keep narrowing  them
down to one or two that seem best for you both. In this stage you both must  be
honest and be able to say things like, "I wouldn’t be happy with that," or "I
don’t think that would be fair for me."

Decide on the best solution. Select the alternative that is mutually
acceptable to both of you. Make certain there is a mutual commitment to the
decision.

Implement the solution. It is one thing to arrive at a decision,  another to
carry it out. Sometimes it is necessary to talk about how it is to be
implemented. Who is responsible to do what and by when?

Follow-up evaluation. Not all mutually agreed upon solutions turn out  to be
as good as initially expected. Make it a routine to ask your partner how  the
solution is working and how he/she feels about it. Something may have been
overlooked, misjudged, or something unexpected may have occurred. Both of you
should have the understanding that decisions are always open for revision, but
that modifications have to be mutually agreed upon, as was the initial
decision.

Common Mistakes:

Not discussing with your partner the method used to resolve your conflicts.

Discovering too late that more information was needed, e.g., "I should  have
placed the order sooner, now they are sold out."

Being too invested in getting your way, or making extreme demands, and
therefore not being able to be flexible enough to be fair with your partner.

Forgetting that there are usually several ways of doing things and that  your
own reality is not the only reality. We humans have a consistent tendency  to
believe that we are right and are being reasonable. You will be much more
effective if you are willing to see the other person’s view.

Focusing too much on what you could lose and not enough on what you  both
could gain.

Believing the other person must lose for you to win.

Bringing in additional issues before resolving the one you started..

If you both stay true to your partner and true to yourself you should have  a
good, healthy relationship.





SPEAK  UP!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who  mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group  Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)






[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Emotional Blackmailers:

Threaten to make things difficult if you don't do what they want.

Constantly threaten to end the relationship if you don't give in.

Regularly ignore or discount your feelings and wants.

Tell you or imply that they will neglect, hurt themselves, or become
depressed if you don't do what they want.

Shower you with approval when you give into them and take it away when  you
don't.

Use money as a weapon to get their own way.


Emotional blackmail is a powerful form of manipulation in which people  close
to us threaten (either directly or indirectly) to punish us if we don't do
what they want. At the heart of any kind of blackmail is one basic threat,
which  can be expressed in many different ways: If you don't behave the way I
want
you  to, you will suffer. A criminal blackmailer might threaten to use
knowledge  about a person's past to ruin her reputation, or ask to be paid off
in
cash to  hide a secret. Emotional blackmail hits closer to home.

Emotional blackmailers know how much we value our relationship with them.
They know our vulnerabilities. Often they know our deepest secret. And no matter
  how much they care about us, when they fear they won't go their way, they
use  this intimate knowledge to shape the threats that give them the payoff they
  want: our compliance.

Knowing that we want love or approval, our blackmailers threaten to  withhold
it or take it away altogether, or make feel we must earn it. For  example, if
you pride yourself being generous and caring, the blackmailer might  label
you selfish or inconsiderate if you don't accede to his wishes. If you  value
money and security, the blackmailer might attach conditions to providing  them
or threaten to take them away. And if you believe the blackmailer, you  could
fall into a pattern of letting him control your decisions and behavior. We  get
locked into a dance with blackmail, a dance with myriad steps, shapes and
partners.

Emotional blackmailers hate to lose. They take the old adage "It doesn't
matter if you win or lose, it's how you play the game", and turn it on its head
to read "It doesn't matter how you play the game as long as you do not lose."
To  an emotional blackmailer, keeping your trust doesn't count, respecting
your  feelings doesn't count, being fair doesn't count. The ground rules that
allow  for healthy give-and-take go out the window. In the midst of what we
thought was  a solid relationship it's as though someone yelled "Everyone for
himself!" and  the other person lumped to take advantage of us while our guard
was
down. Why is  winning so important to blackmailers, we ask ourselves. Why are
they doing this  to us? Why do they need to get their way so badly that
they'll punish us if they  don't?

Below are some specific ways to answer the most common types of responses.
It can't emphasize too strongly how important it is to practice saying these
statements until they feel natural to you. How to respond to the other person's
  catastrophic predictions and threats. Punishers and self-punishers may try
pressuring you to change your decision by bombarding you with visions of the
extreme negative consequences of doing what you've decided to do. It's never
easy to resist the fear that their bleak vision will come to pass, especially
when the theme they're pounding home is "Bad things will happen - and it'll
be  your fault." But hold your ground.


When they say:

*If you don't take care of me, I'll wind up in the hospital/on the
street/unable to work.

* You'll never see your kids again.

* You'll destroy this family.

* You're not my child anymore.

* I'm cutting you out of my will.

* I'll get sick.

* I can't make it without you.

* I'll make you suffer.

* You'll be sorry.


Then you say:

* That's your choice.

* I hope you won't do that, but I've made my decision.

* I know you're very angry right now. When you've had a chance to think
about this, maybe you'll change your mind.

* Why don't we talk about this again when you're less upset.

* Threats/suffering/tears aren't going to work anymore.

* I'm sorry you're upset.


When they say:

* I can't believe you're being so selfish. This isn't like you. You're  only
thinking of yourself. You never think about my feelings.

* I really thought you were different from the other women/men I've  been
with. I guess I was wrong.

* That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

* Everyone knows that children are supposed to respect their  parents.

* How can you be so disloyal?

* You're just being an idiot.


Then you say:

* You're entitled to your opinion.

* I'm sure that's how it looks to you.

* That could be.

* You may be right.

* I need to think about this more.

* We'll never get anywhere if you keep insulting me.

* I'm sorry you're upset.


When they say:

* How could you do this to me (after all I've done for you)?

* Why are you ruining my life?

* Why are you being so stubborn/obstinate/selfish?

* What's come over you?

* Why are you acting like this?

* Why do you want to hurt me?

* Why are you making such a big deal out of this?


Then you say:

* I knew you wouldn't be happy about this, but that's the way it has to  be.

* I here are no villains here. We just want different things.

* I'm not willing to take more than 50 percent of the responsibility.

* I know how upset/angry/disappointed you are, but it's not  negotiable.

* We see things differently.

* I'm sure you see it that way.

* I'm sorry you're upset.


Handling Silence

But what about the person who blackmails through anger that is  expressed
covertly through sulks and suffering? When they say nothing, what can  you say
or
do? For many targets, this silent anger is far more maddening and  crazy than
an overt attack. Sometimes it seems as if nothing works with this  kind of
blackmailer, and sometimes nothing does. But you'll have the most  success if
you stick to the principles of non defensive communication and stay  conscious
of the following do's and don'ts.


In dealing with silent blackmailers, DON'T:

Expect them to rake the first step toward resolving the conflict.

Plead with them to tell you what's wrong.

Keep after them for a response (which will only make them withdraw  more).

Criticize, analyze or interpret their motives, character or inability  to be
direct.

Willingly accept blame for whatever they're upset about to get them  into a
better mood.

Allow them to change the subject.

Get intimidated by the tension and anger in the air.

Let your frustration cause you to make threats you really don't mean  (e.g.,
"If you don't tell me what's wrong, I'll never speak to you again").

Assume that if they ultimately apologize, it will be followed by any
significant change in their behavior.

Expect major personality changes, even if they recognize what they're  doing
and are willing to work on it. Remember: Behavior can change. Personality
styles usually don't.


DO use the following techniques:

Remember that you are dealing with people who feel inadequate and powerless
and who are afraid of your ability to hurt or abandon them.

Confront them when they're more able to hear what you have to say.  Consider
writing a letter. It may feel less threatening to them.

Reassure them that they can tell you what they're angry about and you  will
hear them out without retaliating.

Use tact and diplomacy. This will reassure them that you won't exploit  their
vulnerabilities and bludgeon them with recriminations.

Say reassuring things like "I know you're angry right now, and I'll be
willing to discuss this with you as soon as you're ready to talk about it," Then
leave them alone. You'll only make them withdraw more if you don't.

Don't be afraid to tell them that their behavior is upsetting to you,  but
begin by expressing appreciation. For example: "Dad, I really care about  you,
and I think you're one of the smartest people I know, but it really bothers  me
when you clam up every time we disagree about something and just walk away is
  hurting our relationship, and I wonder if you would talk to me about that."

Stay focused on the issue you're upset about.

Expect to be attacked when you express a grievance, because they  experience
your assertion as an attack on them as an attack on them.

Let them know that you know they're angry and what you're willing to do
about it. For example: "I'm sorry you 're upset because I don't want your folks
to stay with us when they're in town, but I'm certainly willing to take the
time  to find a nice hotel for them and maybe pay for part of their vacation."

Accept the fact that you will have to make the first move most, if not  all,
of the time.

Let some things slide


These techniques are the only ones that have a chance to interrupt the
pattern that's so typical of a silent, angry blackmailer, the cycle that goes
"Look how upset I am, and it's all your fault. Now figure out what you did wrong
and how you're going to make it up to me." I know how infuriating it is to
have  to be the rational one when you feel like strangling the other person, but
it's  the only way I know to create an atmosphere that will allow change to
take  place. Your hardest job will he to stay non defensive and to convince the
quietly angry person that it's OK for them to be angry when they've spent
lifetime believing just the opposite.

Information on this page comes from: Emotional Blackmail : When the People
in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward,
  Susan Forware, Donna Frazier




SPEAK  UP!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who  mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group  Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)






[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Angry At Yourself? Breaking Out of the Victim Trap

Lynne Namka, Ed. D. � 1997

Does your anger turn to yourself? Do you beat yourself up? Make a firm
commitment to stop being a victim by breaking into the victim talk to take
responsibility for your thoughts and actions. Monitor your language to catch and
interrupt yourself during pity parties. Change your victim talk (I can't..., I
never could..., I'm no good at..... etc.) to language that affirms positive
thinking. Decide what you want and the type of person you want to become. Tap
into your longing to be whole. Decide what you will have to do to get it. Break
  it down in small steps and start to work on the first step.

Place yourself around positive people who are committed to growth and well
being. Invite your friends to confront you lovingly when you get in the victim
role. Learn to confront the critical voice within that tells you that you are
  not worthy. This is the technique of thought stoppage--you simply interrupt
any  negative inner message. Discount the thought, yell "No!" at it and
distract  yourself by getting into some other thought pattern. Tell yourself
that
negative  self talk is only old programming. You can be very rude and interrupt
these  self- condemning voices but be gentle with yourself.

Hold an inner dialogue to determine how being a victim pays off for you.
Examine victim patterns in your parents and relatives. Learn what hidden
messages lie within about your not deserving to be successful, healthy or have a
loving relationship. Explore these messages that sabotage your well being with a
process oriented therapist. Make a pact with yourself to be responsible for
choices that you make that affect your healing.

I am responsible for the victim thoughts which stay in my mind.
I  am responsible for denying what I know to be true about myself.
I am  responsible for the people with whom I surround myself.
I am responsible for  remaining in victim beliefs.
I let my victim thoughts go.
I affirm that I am healthy and whole.

Say these affirmations ten times daily. Write your own affirmations and  post
them on your mirror, your car steering wheel, your computer, sink, etc.
Carry the affirmations in your pockets to take out and read when you have a
moment. Speak them out loud with authority. Practice seeing yourself in a
different light.

Turn your life over to your Higher Power. Catch any beating yourself up
thoughts. Practice daily surrender on small things. Learn to let go of that 
which
you no longer need. Work your anger to let it go.

Do It Differently!

Do Your Life Differently

Whatever it is that takes you down into victim thinking, change it!

Change your life style to one that promotes physical, mental and spiritual
health.






SPEAK  UP!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who  mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group  Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_ (http://groups.yahoo.
com/group/Codependents)



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Codependency

A psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is  controlled
or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological  condition (as
an addiction to alcohol or heroin)

-- Merriam-Webster Dictionary

Codependency is used to describe the person who becomes the caretaker  of an
addicted, troubled, or abusive individual. The addiction can be to  alcohol,
drugs, or gambling. Or the individual can have a physical or emotional
illness. Codependents can be this individual's spouse, lover, child, parent,
brother, sister, co-worker or friend.


Codependents:

Enable or allow the person to continue his or her self-destructive or
troubled behavior

Rescue the person who has gotten into trouble from things such as an  arrest,
accident, being absent or late for work

Make excuses for the person's behavior

Deny that they or the person has a problem


Roles codependents play include:

Rescuer: Saves the person from unpleasant situations, such as putting an
alcoholic to bed after he or she passes out

Caretaker: Takes care  of all household and financial chores that hold the
family together

Joiner: Rationalizes that the person's behavior is normal or not that bad by
simply remaining and allowing it to occur or by taking part in those same
behaviors as the addicted or troubled individual

Hero: Becomes the  super-person to preserve the family image

Complainer: Blames  themselves for everything or blames the person for
everything and makes him  or her the scapegoat for all problems

Adjuster: Withdraws from the  family/friends and acts like he or she doesn't
care


Most codependents are unaware they have a codependence problem. They  focus
more energy on another's actions and needs than on their own. They think  they
are actually helping the troubled person, but they are not.

You may not be truly codependent, but your behavior may be enabling an
addicted or troubled individual, and you need to be aware of that.


Self-Help Tips

Most codependents are not in touch with their codependency and may need  help
to see it. These self-help tips are general suggestions. For many people,
these are not easy to do without the help of a counselor:

Read books on codependency (go to the library and bookstores); you may find
that you identify with what you read and gain understanding

Focus  on the three Cs: You did not cause the other person's problem, you
can't control  the other person, you can't cure the problem

Don't lie, make  excuses, or cover up for the abuser's drinking, drug, or
other problem; admit to  yourself that this way of living is abnormal, and the
abuser or troubled person  has a serious problem that requires professional help

Refuse to  come to the person's aid -- every time you bail the abuser out of
trouble, you  reinforce their helplessness and your hopelessness

If you or your  children are being physically, verbally or sexually abused,
do not allow it to  continue -- there are shelters for victims of domestic
violence

Know that there are many support groups that help codependents -- self-help
groups for family and friends of substance abusers such as (Al-Anon, Alateen
and  Children of Alcoholics Foundation); other self-help and support groups are
  offered through community health education programs

Continue with  your normal family routines; for example, include the drinker
when he or she is  sober

Focus on your own feelings, desires, and needs; negative  thoughts may be
brewing just below the surface, and it's important to vent them  in healthy
ways;
begin to do what is good for your own well-being

Allow children to express their feelings openly -- show them how by
expressing your own feelings

Set limits on what you will and won't  do: be firm and stick to these limits;
it's natural to want to take care of  those you love but in this case, it
doesn't help

Engage in new  experiences and interests; find diversion from your loved
one's  problem

Take responsibility for yourself and children in the  family to live a better
life regardless of if your loved one recovers

Don't give in to your loved one if you don't feel safe or confident that he
or she has recovered and will continue to adhere to  treatment


What You Can Do for a Friend or Relative

Persons who are codependent may:

Not realize they have a problem
Deny they have a problem
Refuse to  get help


If you think someone you know is codependent, you can help them without
being codependent yourself:

Let them know that you are concerned for their well-being and health

Encourage them to seek professional help or join a support group

Give them phone numbers for places they can get help

Suggest they contact the Employee Assistance Program at their  place of work
or where their friend or relative work

Reassure them that what they say will be kept in confidence

Then let go! The rest is up to them


Books to Read

Breaking Free: A Recovery Workbook for Facing Codependence. Pia  Mellody,
Andrea Wells Miller. Harper & Row. New York, New York. 1989.

Codependence: Misunderstood, Mistreated. Anne Wilson Schaef. Harper &  Row.
New York, New York. 1986.

Codependent No More. Melody Beattie. Hazelden. Center City, Minnesota.  1987.

Codependent's Guide to the Twelve Steps. Melody Beattie. Prentice Hall. New
York, New York. 1990.

Facing Codependence. Pia Mellody. Harper & Row. New York, New York.  1989.

If you or someone you know needs help with codependency, call for  help.





SPEAK  UP!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who  mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group  Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)






[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

The 12 Steps for Christians in Recovery

The 12 Steps are a suggestion and not a requirement for recovery or
membership in Christians in Recovery. They have been the foundation for the 
recovery
of thousands of people and most say that they never would have  successfully
recovered had they not followed them. Each person in their search  for
spiritual, emotional and mental wellness must decide how to work and apply 
these 12
Steps to their life. Honesty about your past as well as the present is
essential.

1. We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and dysfunctional
behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that God, a Power greater than ourselves, could restore
us to sanity and stability.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God  as
revealed in the Bible.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact
nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make
amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do  so
would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly
admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact
with God as revealed in the Bible, praying only for knowledge of His will for 
us
and the power to carry that out.


12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried
to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our
affairs.


_http://www.christians-in-recovery.com/12steps/12steps.html_
(http://www.christians-in-recovery.com/12steps/12steps.html)



SPEAK  UP!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who  mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group  Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)






[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

THE TWELVE STEPS FOR AGNOSTICS

A translation of the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous by a group of
Unitarian Universalist Ministers interested in making the 12 Steps more
accessible to persons of humanistic, agnostic, or atheistic beliefs.

STEP 1
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had  become
unmanageable.

STEP 2
Came to believe and to accept that we needed strengths beyond our  awareness
and resources to restore us to sanity.

STEP 3
Made a decision to entrust our wills and our lives to the care of  the
collective wisdom and resources of those who have searched before us.

STEP 4
Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

STEP 5
Admitted to ourselves, without reservations, and to another human  being the
exact nature of our wrongs.

STEP 6
Were entirely ready to accept help in letting go of all our  defects of
character.

STEP 7
With humility and openness sought to eliminate our  shortcomings.

STEP 8
Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to  make amends
to them all.

STEP 9
Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when  to do so
would injure them or others.

STEP 10
Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong  promptly
admitted it

STEP 11
Sought through meditation to improve our spiritual awareness and  our
understanding of the AA/Al-Anon/Twelve Step Way of Life, and to discover the 
power
to carry that out.

STEP 12
Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps,  we tried to
carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in  all our
affairs.






SPEAK  UP!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who  mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group  Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)






[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

The Twelve Steps of Non-Recovery
author unknown

1.  We admitted we were powerless over nothing, that we would manage  our
lives perfectly and those of anyone else who would allow us to.

2.   Came to believe there was no power greater than ourselves  and the rest
of the world was insane.

3.  Made a decision to have our loved ones and friends turn their will  and
their lives over to our care, even though they couldn't understand us.

4   Made a searching moral and immoral inventory of everyone we  knew.

5.   Admitted to the whole world the exact nature of everyone  else's wrongs.

6.   Were entirely ready to make others straighten up and do  right.

7.  Demanded others to either shape up or ship out (personally, I  think this
is a good thing when it comes to abusers!).

8  Made a list of all persons who had harmed us and became willing to  go to
any length to get even with them all.

9.   Got  direct revenge on such people whenever possible, except when to do
so would cost  us our lives, or at the very least a jail sentence.

10.  Continued to take inventory of others, and when they were wrong
promptly and repeatedly told them about it.

11.  Sought through complaining and nagging to improve our relations  with
others as we couldn't understand them, asking only that they knuckle under  and
do it our way.

12.  Having had a complete physical, emotional and spiritual breakdown  as a
result of these steps, we tried to blame it on others and to get sympathy  and
pity in all of our affairs.
  (http://www.paganinstitute.org)





SPEAK  UP!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who  mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group  Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)






[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Alternative to Christian 12 Step Groups

THE NINE-STEP FREEDOM TRAIL

1) We came to feel enslaved by excessive behaviors which were harmful to  us,
throwing our health and relationships out of balance through addictions,
compulsions, or both.

2) We realized that resources were available to help us win our freedom, if
we were willing to use them.

3) We became willing to reach out for help, physically, emotionally, and
spiritually.

4) We sought help from our Deities, fellow humans, healers, clergy, groups,
or whatever source necessary, to aid us toward freedom and health.

5) We established a pattern of life-affirming behaviors, avoiding the sorts
of isolation which would make us vulnerable to relapses, creating a foundation
  of supports which could help us recover from whatever lapses we might  have.

6) We considered, acknowledged, and took full responsibility for the harm  we
had done to others and ourselves in the time of our slavery.

7) We considered and discussed with a neutral adult, the harm we had done,
and how we might make restitution or otherwise restore balance, facing the fact
  that in some situations no direct redress was possible.

8) Where possible, and using whatever supports necessary, we endeavored to
restore balance in those situations and relationships previously harmed by our
servitude to addiction or compulsion.

9) Remaining constructively vigilant in our self-regard, we continued to
grow strong in health and freedom, eventually becoming a source of support for
others seeking to bring their own lives into healthy balance.

  (http://www.paganinstitute.org)





SPEAK  UP!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who  mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group  Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)






[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

How to Manage Verbal Abuse

Unkind words hurt and can do a lot of emotional damage. The old adage,
"Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me." is simply
NOT true. Most of us know that words can and do hurt. This article will teach
you how to manage verbal abuse, protect your self-esteem, and even feel some
compassion for the abuser.

Knowing that words hurt is one thing; finding a way to manage the verbal
abuse to reduce the hurt to a minimum level is quite another. After many years
of raising troubled foster children who were both subjected to and perpetrators
  of verbal abuse, I developed a plan to help me manage the abuse. A plan must
be  utilized in order to limit emotional injury or the caregiver simply burns
out  and the child moves on to yet another placement. The negative effects of
  multiple placements on children is well documented in the literature.
Another  very important benefit of successfully managing verbal abuse is
preventing
the  altercation from escalating into a physical battle. Most physical
abuse/violence  begins with verbal battling. Stopping it at that point can save
immeasurable  hurt.

I have been called some of the filthiest names you can imagine. Every once
in a while I even get called a new name that I never heard before. Some of the
worst verbal abuse directed toward me came from a young man with moderate
mental  retardation. He could not form more than about a three-word sentence,
but
he  could go on and on with verbal abuse. He would say the same foul word
over and  over again, and just add a different word after it. Abusive language
is
not  limited by intelligence, but the smarter the child, the more creative
the abuse  often becomes. No matter what kind of verbal abuse is directed toward
me, I now  handle all of it the same way.

There are five steps in my verbal abuse management plan.
They are as  follows:

1. Keep the emotion out.
2. Set limits.
3. Impose consequences.
4.  Model good behavior.
5. Stick to your plan.

The first step is the hardest one. Keeping calm and dealing rationally with
another person's unacceptable language is very difficult. Abusive language can
  be very powerful, very offensive, and can cause an almost knee-jerk,
negative  reaction on the part of the receiver. These impulsive reactions
usually
have  poor to disastrous consequences.

The way that I keep my emotions under control is by forcing myself to
concentrate on something else rather than allowing myself to react to the 
hurtful
words. I have practiced my method for many years and it is now automatic  for
me. As soon as I get the first abusive word, I tell myself, "Get a paper and
pencil." I command myself to get it NOW! The most important thing in the world
for me at that moment is getting a pencil and paper and recording what was
said.  I cannot process how hurtful the words are while doing something
constructive. I  then write the name of the abuser, date, time, and what was
said. By
following  this step to the letter, I concentrate so hard on doing a good job
of  documentation that I cannot react to the hurt and lose control of my
emotions.

Believe me, I am made out of the same stuff as everyone else and words do
hurt, sometimes terribly. I know that I will have to deal with the hurt at some
point, but during the crisis is not the time. There will be plenty of time
later  to process the words and make appropriate decisions about what to do
about the  abuse. If you are able to control your emotions, the rest of these
steps will  probably be relatively easy to follow.

Here are some other tips to help control your emotions by giving yourself
something else to do. Force yourself to carefully record the facts. Record just
the facts. Ask for clarification if you did not hear the words clearly. Ask
the  abuser how to spell a word that you never heard of before or if you are
not  familiar with the spelling. Ask how many times an abusive words was used if
the  abuser is speaking very rapidly and you lost track of the number of
times a word  was said.

I will never forget the time that I calmly looked at an abuser and said,
"Wait a minute. You're going too fast. How many times did you call me an MFer."
The abuser, an adolescent, was shocked. When he saw that his words were having
  no negative effect on me and that I was carefully recording all of the facts
to  report to the proper authorities, he totally lost his momentum in the
battle.

It is hard for an abuser to keep going when he/she is not getting the
desired effect, usually hurt and shock. Sometimes an abuser stops immediately 
when
you say, "I'm sorry. I don't know how to spell that word. Would you spell  it
for me please." Again his/her train of thought is interrupted, and he/she can
see that the intended effect is just not happening. Abuse does not always
stop  this easily, but when it does, count your blessings. Remember, deal with
the  facts--just the facts--deal with your feelings later.

The next step is to set limits. This step can be accomplished as soon as  the
abuser settles down a bit and is willing to listen. Explain the consequences
of his/her behavior. A consequence at our house is a 10-minute timeout
sitting  at the picnic table following any verbal abuse. We want to teach
acceptable
  behaviors, so it is better for consequences to be mild and frequent rather
than  severe and infrequent providing that that abuser is responding positively
to the  interventions.

It is also important to clarify your tolerance limit and give plenty of
reminders as to what it is. Some people can handle a great deal of verbal abuse
without taking it personally and others cannot. You need to know your limit and
  clearly convey it to the abuser. No one can read your mind. Many abusers
have  learned to use verbal abuse in their normal conversations. They do not
know
the  tolerance limits of others. It is your responsibility to clearly set the
  limit.

There are many ways to set limits. You might say, "We agreed that you would
have a 10-minute timeout each time that you use bad language, so please go to
your timeout spot now." Or you might say, "If you talk to me that way again,
I  will ask that you be removed from my home." Or perhaps, "It is illegal for
you  to use that kind of language in my presence, and I will press charges
against  you if you do it again." It is important for you to set limits in
advance and  follow through with the consequences. In order to be effective, you
must know  the laws in your state in addition to knowing your own limits.

There are laws forbidding abuse. Check your state's laws to determine the
difference between annoying behavior and illegal behavior. In PA where I live,
the Child Protective Services Law protects children from all forms of abuse.
The  Pennsylvania Crimes Code is quite clear regarding when unacceptable
language is  illegal. Abusive language can justify charges for such crimes as
harassment, and  disorderly conduct. Your state's crimes code determines how
your
state handles  such matters.

The third step is to impose consequences. This step goes hand in hand with
limit setting. Once the limit is set, the abuser has a choice about whether to
continue with abusive behavior. If he/she continues, be sure to follow
through  with the consequences. It is so important to follow through with
consequences  after setting limits. If you say to a child, "If you do that
again, I will
not  take you roller skating on Friday evening, and the child does it again,
make  sure he/she does not go roller skating on Friday. If you back down, your
  credibility goes right down the drain along with your authority.

Children need limits. They often crave limits. They need responsible adults
to teach them what is right and wrong. Adults need limits, too. Unfortunately,
  many children reach adulthood without learning what is acceptable and what
is  not. They never learned how to follow rules and set their own limits. It
then  becomes the responsibility of those around them and the criminal justice
system  to set the limits for them.

The fourth step is to model good behavior. When children have good  modeling,
they learn acceptable behaviors simply by living. When they do not  have good
modeling, others in society often need to develop some sort of  behavior
shaping plan to teach acceptable behavior.

Setting a good example is one of the greatest gifts you can give a child.
Never underestimate the power of being a good role model.

My husband and I have raised many foster children, many of whom came into
our home with very bad language. They do not hear bad language in our home.
Often, their own bad language just subsides on its own with no intervention
needed, other than a few reminders. Not all children are that easy to change, of
course, so other intervention strategies are needed. Regardless of what is
being  done to shape behavior in a more positive direction, the fact remains
that
  modeling good behavior is one of the most important tools to use.

All people generally respond better to praise than criticism. When a child
is accustomed to using bad language, it often works well to teach them how to
express themselves in a more positive way and then praise them when they do it
  right the next time. Children often are not taught how to express anger,
disappointment, hurt, and so on without using a string of foul words. If you
teach them how to expand their vocabularies and express their feelings in a more
  acceptable way, you will help them in more ways than just behavior control.
Good  language skills will help them in all areas of their lives.

The last step is stick to your plan. Whatever plan you use, be aware that
unacceptable behaviors do not go away overnight. In fact, they usually get worse
  before they get better. The reason is because these behaviors were acquired
because they were self-serving, and when they no longer work, the person
steps  up his/her efforts to make them work prior to acquiescing to any sort of
behavior shaping modality.

Many children and adults have used verbal abuse for many years and it has
become a way of life. If you want to help a child who uses abusive language,
consult with a counselor, behavior specialist, psychiatrist, or anyone else that
  you believe might be able to help you develop a behavior shaping plan. If an
  adult uses abusive language towards you, set limits immediately. If
possible,  just stay away from them. On-going verbal abuse is very damaging to
the
self-esteem. Protect yourself from it, and, if possible, help the abuser in the
process.

Credits: Pauline D. Ruthrauff






SPEAK  UP!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who  mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group  Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_ (h
ttp://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)






[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Offra Gerstien: What is verbal abuse and how to deal with it?

Most people are aware that name-calling, shaming, berating and  discrediting
another person are verbally abusive behaviors. However, less  blatant forms of
psychological abuse such as controlling, accusing, judging and  criticizing,
denial of feelings, trivializing, sarcasm and blaming, often elude  but do fit
this classification. Infrequent unkind words do not necessarily  constitute
abuse, but we must be alert to verbal abuse. Its damage is profound  and
devastating.
Our culture has accepted that physical and sexual abuses  are intolerable
offenses. We have mechanisms to punish the offenders and prevent  future harm
they may inflict. Regrettably, the awareness of psychological abuse  and its
grave harm has not kept pace with the other forms of violation. Verbal  and
physical abuses are two different forms of the same destructive and 
unacceptable
conduct.

In verbally abusive relationships, the abuser may exercise control over the
abused every thought, feeling or action. The abuser’s reality is the only one
permitted for the victim and no variation is tolerated. With time, the abused
  person ceases to feel or think independently, due to fear of angering the
abuser  and his or her consequent retaliation.

There often are serious repercussions for the abused person’s attempts at
minimal autonomy. This person is likely to be berated, scolded, shamed and
attacked, and his or her value as an individual will be consistently diminished
to the point of profound loss of self-esteem.

Interestingly enough many verbally abused mates are not aware of the status
they are in. They tend to take the criticism and belittling as honest
evaluation  of themselves and attempt to correct their ways in order to gain the
approval of  the partner.

The latter is an unachievable goal.

They often say: "I guess I just don’t think before I act because I make him
so mad." Most abused people are kind and assume that the criticism is a
constructive way to help them improve. What they need to realize is that verbal
abuse is a form of control and emotional harm exercised by the abuser for 
power.

Verbal abuse is a form of brainwashing that reduces the victim’s
self-esteem, shatters his or her confidence, usually without the victim being 
aware of
its course. I have seen people who came to therapy to deal with  feelings of
worthlessness without recognition that abuse impacted this painful  state.

Advertisement




Abusers may speak  of love and be publicly tender toward their partners.
Their idea of love is the  partner’s total submission to the abuser’s
control.
Abused mates often buy the  words and explain away the impact these statements
impart.

Any statement that makes the listener feel badly about himself or herself
must be rephrased. The intention of the speaker is irrelevant. "You are just too
  sensitive," "Grow up," "You can’t take a joke," "I’ve had it with your
complaining," "Why can’t you ever do it right? "It can’t be that painful,
stop
being a baby," "You will do this now," "You must be crazy to (feel, act,
think)  like that," "Just shut up and do as I told you," are samples of abusive
phrases.

None of these are acceptable in healthy relationships.

All phrases that start with "you" and are uncomplimentary, as well as those
that begin with a verb such as "stop," "go," "do," "bring" and "shut up"
violate  the listener. All statements that describe another person as unworthy
in
some  aspect, deny or minimize his or her feelings, thoughts, feelings or
actions are  major unacceptable affronts.

The verbally abusive person is often an angry person.

He or she uses other people’s behavior or situations to justify the
unpredictable and violent expressions of rage. These episodes occur 
periodically, are
manipulative and controlling and create deep fear in the  abused.

Interestingly, they rarely if ever occur in front of other people.
Controlling abusers are very careful not to have any witnesses. Their bad 
conduct is
reserved for their "inadequate partner."

The abuser never apologizes for any wrongdoing since he or she externalizes
the blame. The angry outburst helps the abuser restore his or her own
emotional  equilibrium by exercising full power over the victim. Unless the
abused
cowers  in fear and apologizes for his or her error, the abuser will continue to
rage.

Abusers are weak people who have been shunned, ignored or abused as  children
themselves. They learned that self-affirmation comes from power over  others.
Since they didn’t experience love and compassion, their capacity for
sympathy and caring is blocked.

Typically, abused people were raised by abusers. They are often eager to
please, feel pain that is minimized and are accustomed to look for empathy from
those who are least able to provide it.

So what is an abused spouse to do?


First determine whether or not you are being abused by checking your
reactions. If you often feel hurt and abused, you are.

Trust your feelings, even if you are told that they are wrong.

If frequent attempts to please your mate are unsuccessful, it is probably
not about you.

Do not allow any affront to go uncommented upon. Ask: "Could you please say
it in another way so that I can understand you better?" If the response is
another attack, you are being abused.

Set a boundary by stopping the barrage of accusations. Say, "I will not
listen to this — it is very unkind talk." If the situation escalates, stop
listening and leave as soon as it is safe to do so.

Verbal abuse often worsens with time and may evolve into physical abuse.
Once an abusive episode is forgiven, the next one often will be harsher.

No human being should be subjected to any psychological or physical abuse.

You may need to leave the relationship for your sanity and safety. Do so
with a plan and help.

Verbal abuse is not a self-remediating condition. Seek help. Programs
specializing in domestic violence, (such as Women’s Crisis Support) are 
available
to assist both the abused and the abuser.

Offra Gertein, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist in private practice in
Santa Cruz for the past 25 years and an Internet talk show host at
_www.voiceamerica.com_ (http://www.voiceamerica.com) . The show airs  Mondays
from 9-10 a.m.
starting Aug. 2. She can be reached by phone at 476-7666.





SPEAK  UP!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who  mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group  Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)






[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Managing Traumatic Stress: Tips for Recovering From Disasters and Other
Traumatic Events

The September 11th terrorist attacks were the type of events we thought
could never happen. Like other types of disasters they were unexpected, sudden
and overwhelming. In some cases, there are no outwardly visible signs of
physical injury, but there is nonetheless a serious emotional toll. It is common
for people who have experienced traumatic situations to have very strong
emotional reactions. Understanding normal responses to these abnormal events can
aid you in coping effectively with your feelings, thoughts, and behaviors, and
help you along the path to recovery.

What happens to people after a disaster or other traumatic event?

Shock and denial are typical responses to terrorism, disasters, and other
kinds of trauma like domestic violence and abuse; especially shortly after  the
event. Both shock and denial are normal protective reactions.

Shock is a sudden and often intense disturbance of your emotional state  that
may leave you feeling stunned or dazed. Denial involves your not
acknowledging that something very stressful has happened, or not experiencing 
fully the
intensity of the event. You may temporarily feel numb or disconnected  from
life.

As the initial shock subsides, reactions vary from one person to another.
The following, however, are normal responses to a traumatic event:

- Feelings become intense and sometimes are unpredictable. You may  become
more irritable than usual, and your mood may change back and forth
dramatically. You might be especially anxious or nervous, or even become 
depressed.

- Thoughts and behavior patterns are affected by the trauma. You might  have
repeated and vivid memories of the event. These flashbacks may occur for no
apparent reason and may lead to physical reactions such as rapid heart beat or
sweating. You may find it difficult to concentrate or make decisions, or
become  more easily confused. Sleep and eating patterns also may be disrupted.

- Recurring emotional reactions are common. Anniversaries of the event,  such
as at one month or one year, as well as reminders such as aftershocks from
earthquakes or the sounds of sirens, can trigger upsetting memories of the
traumatic experience. These 'triggers' may be accompanied by fears that the
stressful event will be repeated.

- Interpersonal relationships often become strained. Greater conflict,  such
as more frequent arguments with family members and coworkers, is common. On
the other hand, you might become withdrawn and isolated and avoid your usual
activities.

- Physical symptoms may accompany the extreme stress. For example,
headaches, nausea and chest pain may result and may require medical attention.
Pre-existing medical conditions may worsen due to the stress.

How do people respond differently over time?

It is important for you to realize that there is not one 'standard' pattern
of reaction to the extreme stress of traumatic experiences. Some people
respond  immediately, while others have delayed reactions - sometimes months or
even
  years later. Some have adverse effects for a long period of time, while
others  recover rather quickly.

And reactions can change over time. Some who have suffered from trauma are
energized initially by the event to help them with the challenge of coping,
only  to later become discouraged or depressed.

A number of factors tend to affect the length of time required for  recovery,
including:

- The degree of intensity and loss. Events that last longer and pose a
greater threat, and where physical injury, loss of life, or substantial loss of
property is involved, often take longer to resolve.

- A person's general ability to cope with emotionally challenging
situations. Individuals who have handled other difficult, stressful 
circumstances well
may find it easier to cope with the trauma.

- Other stressful events preceding the traumatic experience.  Individuals
faced with other emotionally challenging situations, such as serious  health
problems or family-related difficulties or abuse, may have more intense 
reactions
to the new stressful event and need more time to recover.

How should I help myself and my family?

There are a number of steps you can take to help restore emotional well
being and a sense of control following a terrorist act, a disaster or other
traumatic experience, including the following:

- Give yourself time to heal. Anticipate that this will be a difficult  time
in your life. Allow yourself to mourn the losses you have experienced. Try  to
be patient with changes in your emotional state.

- Ask for support from people who care about you and who will listen  and
empathize with your situation. But keep in mind that your typical support 
system
may be weakened if those who are close to you also have experienced or
witnessed the trauma.

- Communicate your experience in whatever ways feel comfortable to you  -
such as by talking with family or close friends, or keeping a diary.

- Find out about local support groups that often are available such as  for
those who have suffered from natural disasters, or for women who are victims
of rape. These can be especially helpful for people with limited personal
support systems.
- Try to find groups led by appropriately trained and  experienced
professionals.

Group discussion can help people realize that other individuals in the same
circumstances often have similar reactions and emotions.

- Engage in healthy behaviors to enhance your ability to cope with  excessive
stress. Eat well-balanced meals and get plenty of rest. If you  experience
ongoing difficulties with sleep, you may be able to find some relief  through
relaxation techniques. Avoid alcohol and drugs.

- Establish or reestablish routines such as eating meals at regular  times
and following an exercise program. Take some time off from the demands of  daily
life by pursuing hobbies or other enjoyable activities.

- Avoid major life decisions such as switching careers or jobs if  possible
because these activities tend to be highly stressful.

How do I take care of children's special needs?

The intense anxiety and fear that often follow a disaster or other  traumatic
event can be especially troubling for children. Some may regress and
demonstrate younger behaviors such as thumb sucking or bed wetting. Children may
be
more prone to nightmares and fear of sleeping alone. Performance in school
may suffer. Other changes in behavior patterns may include throwing tantrums
more frequently, or withdrawing and becoming more solitary.

There are several things parents and others who care for children can do to
help alleviate the emotional consequences of trauma, including the  following:

- Spend more time with children and let them be more dependent on you  during
the months following the trauma - for example, allowing your child to  cling
to you more often than usual. Physical affection is very comforting to
children who have experienced trauma.

- Provide play experiences to help relieve tension. Younger children in
particular may find it easier to share their ideas and feelings about the event
through non-verbal activities such as drawing.

- Encourage older children to speak with you, and with one another,  about
their thoughts and feelings. This helps reduce their confusion and anxiety
related to the trauma. Respond to questions in terms they can comprehend.
Reassure them repeatedly that you care about them and that you understand their
fears and concerns.

- Keep regular schedules for activities such as eating, playing and  going to
bed to help restore a sense of security and normalcy.

When should I seek professional help?

Some people are able to cope effectively with the emotional and physical
demands brought about by domestic violence, a natural disaster, or other
traumatic experience by using their own support systems. It is not unusual, 
however,
to find that serious problems persist and continue to interfere with  daily
living. For example, some may feel overwhelming nervousness or lingering
sadness that adversely affects job performance and interpersonal relationships.

Individuals with prolonged reactions that disrupt their daily functioning
should consult with a trained and experienced mental health professional.
Psychologists and other appropriate mental health providers help educate people
about normal responses to extreme stress. These professionals work with
individuals affected by trauma to help them find constructive ways of dealing 
with
the emotional impact.

With children, continual and aggressive emotional outbursts, serious
problems at school, preoccupation with the traumatic event, continued and 
extreme
withdrawal, and other signs of intense anxiety or emotional difficulties  all
point to the need for professional assistance. A qualified mental health
professional can help such children and their parents understand and deal with
thoughts, feelings and behaviors that result from trauma.

Taken From: American Psychological Association





SPEAK  UP!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who  mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group  Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)






[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Practical and Precise  Definitions:

© 2005 Richard, 21CP Author and  Publisher

http://tearsandhealing.com/


The Abusive Personality  Disorders

[When I wrote Tears and Healing, my focus was  mainly on borderline
personality disorder. My readers, however, quickly educated  me. The experience
of
living with an abusive, disordered partner or family  member is very similar
across three disorders in what they call Cluster B of  Axis II. In addition, I
often see the wildcard disorder of addiction (which most  often shows up as
alcoholism) as a compounding factor in many  situations.

In this preview, I describe the three most common personality  disorders that
I hear about from my readers: borderline, narcissistic, and  antisocial
(sociopathic). I begin with my own perspective on the essential  dynamic that
drives each of these disorders, then I present the actual  definitions that come
from the APA (American Psychiatric Association) reference  book, the DSM-IV
(Diagnostic and Statistics Manual).

Understanding what  disorder you’re dealing with is a critical. It allows us
to get some handle on  why our partner behaves as he or she does. It also
gives us some bounds on the  reasonable probability of change - something we all
hope for yet are most often  frustrated about. Having a good picture of these
things allows us make  projections about what the future may hold, and thus
allows us to make decisions  about the future with some confidence.]

My View on “Key” Dynamic of the  Abusive Personality Disorders

In my writing and in supporting people who  have been in abusive situations,
I consistently see three personality disorders  that lead people to behave
abusively. These are what I call the abusive  disorders, and they are
borderline,
narcissistic, and antisocial (sociopathic)  personality disorders. Here, I
want to give both a practical explanation of  these three disorders, plus their
"official" diagnostic definitions. In my  practical explanations, I'm trying,
not be exhaustive, but to highlight the  essential dynamic that I see as
unique to each of these disorders. This dynamic  is essentially a key concept
that
can be kept in mind in thinking about these  disorders.

Remember that personality disorders are defined by the  presence of a minimum
number of "diagnostic criteria", which basically are  behaviors with some
underlying motivation. These are defined in the APA  (American Psychiatric
Association) reference book, the DSM-IV (Diagnostic and  Statistics Manual) and
I’ve
included copies of those criteria after this essay.  However, current
thinking about these disorders is that they occur in a  continuum of severity,
with
less severely impacted people having what is called  a "personality style", and
the most severely impacted being diagnosed with a  personality disorder.
Thus, the essential dynamic I describe may help you  identify a personality
style
where the criteria may not necessarily be  met.

The Essential Dynamics

Both borderline and narcissistic  personality disorders are driven by grossly
hypersensitive reactions to  perceived threats. Borderlines perceive a threat
of significant people  abandoning them, and react very strongly to protect
themselves either by  stopping the abandonment or pushing the perceived
abandoner out of their  significant space. Narcissists find safety in presenting
an
image of perfection  to others, and react very strongly to any threat to that
image, usually by  attacking and demeaning the person making that perceived
threat.

Sociopaths, in contrast, have a total LACK of sensitivity to the  needs and
feelings of others. Sociopaths may be aggressive or passive or in  between, but
in all cases lack a sense of conscience or remorse. Their actions  tend to be
more measured than those suffering with borderline or narcissistic
personality disorder, but their measure of goodness of actions completely lacks
concern for others and is based entirely on the impact they perceive their 
actions
will have on themselves.

Borderlines fear abandonment and react  strongly to actions they perceive
indicate that they are being abandoned.
Narcissists fear that their perfect image in others' eyes will be damaged,
and react strongly to any threat to that image.
Sociopaths lack remorse and  conscience and choose actions only with regard
to their impact on themselves.
These are not the same words you may hear used by others, but I think they
capture the essence of these disorders.

What follows are the official  definitions of these disorders. Although you
may be cautioned otherwise, do not  shy away from assessing these criteria in
someone close to you. In reality,  partners or close family have far more
necessary knowledge of a person to assess  these criteria than any mental health
professional can ever have. If the  criteria make sense, then evaluate the fit.
Most people are reasonably able to  determine which of these disorders is
likely present in a partner or family  member. With that information, you can
research and learn what the prospects are  for improvement and what such a
healing
process would be like.


DSM  Definition - Borderline Personality Disorder
The DSM is a reference work of  the American Psychiatric Association
containing the definition of mental  disorders. BPD is in Cluster B of Axis II.

A person who suffers from this  disorder has labile interpersonal
relationships characterized by instability.  This pattern of interacting with
others has
persisted for years and is usually  closely related to the person's self-image
and early social interactions. The  pattern is present in a variety of
settings (e.g., not just at work or home) and  often is accompanied by a similar
lability (fluctuating back and forth,  sometimes in a quick manner) in a
person's
affect, or feelings. Relationships  and the person's affect may often be
characterized as being shallow. A person  with this disorder may also exhibit
impulsive behaviors and exhibit a majority  of the following symptoms:

* frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined  abandonment.
* a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships
characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
* identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or
sense of self
* impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially  self-damaging
(e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge  eating)
* recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or  self-mutilating
behavior
* affective instability due to a marked reactivity  of mood (e.g., intense
episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually  lasting a few hours and
only rarely more than a few days)
* chronic feelings  of emptiness
* inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger  (e.g.,
frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
* transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative
symptoms

From  http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=517


DSM  Definition - Narcissistic Personality Disorder
The DSM is a reference work of  the American Psychiatric Association
containing the definition of mental  disorders. NPD is in Cluster B of Axis II.

A pervasive pattern of  grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for
admiration, and lack of empathy,  beginning by early adulthood and present in a
variety of contexts, as indicated  by five (or more) of the following:

1. has a grandiose sense of  self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements
and talents, expects to be  recognized as superior without commensurate
achievements)
2. is preoccupied  with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance,
beauty, or ideal love
3. believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be
understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or
institutions)
4. requires excessive admiration
5. has a sense of  entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially
favorable treatment  or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
6. is interpersonally  exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to
achieve his or her own ends
7. lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings
and needs of others
8. is often envious of others or believes that others  are envious of him or
her
9. shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

From http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=560


DSM Definition of Antisocial Personality Disorder (psychopathic,  sociopathic)
The DSM is a reference work of the American Psychiatric  Association
containing the definition of mental disorders. APD is in Cluster B  of Axis II.

This disorder is characterized by a long-standing pattern of  a disregard for
other people's rights, often crossing the line and violating  those rights.
This pattern of behavior has occurred since age 15 (although  only adults 18
years or older can be diagnosed with this disorder) and consists  by the
presence of the majority of these symptoms:

* failure to conform  to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as
indicated by repeatedly  performing acts that are grounds for arrest
* deceitfulness, as indicated by  repeated lying, use of aliases, or conning
others for personal profit or  pleasure
* impulsivity or failure to plan ahead
* irritability and  aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights
or assaults
*  reckless disregard for safety of self or others
* consistent  irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain
consistent work  behavior or honor financial obligations
* lack of remorse, as indicated by  being indifferent to or rationalizing
having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from  another

From:  http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=510


DSM  Definition of Histrionic Personality Disorder-Rounding out Cluster B
The DSM  is a reference work of the American Psychiatric Association
containing the  definition of mental disorders. HPD is the fourth and final PD
in
Cluster B of  Axis II. I am totally unfamiliar with it, but it is with the big 3
abusive  disorders, and I'm guessing there's a reason.

A pervasive pattern of  excessive emotionality and attention seeking,
beginning by early adulthood and  present in a variety of contexts, as indicated
by
five (or more) of the  following:

1. is uncomfortable in situations in which he or she is not  the center of
attention
2. interaction with others is often characterized by  inappropriate sexually
seductive or provocative behavior
3. displays rapidly  shifting and shallow expression of emotions
4. consistently uses physical  appearance to draw attention to self
5. has a style of speech that is  excessively impressionistic and lacking in
detail
6. shows  self-dramatization, theatricality, and exaggerated expression of
emotion
7.  is suggestible, i.e., easily influenced by others or circumstances
8.  considers relationships to be more intimate than they actually are

From:  http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=545

An  index to the DSM Definitions of ALL disorders is on this  page:
http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_index.php?idx=26



© 2005 Richard, 21CP Author and  Publisher

http://tearsandhealing.com/


SPEAK UP!

Be who  you are and say what you feel,
because those who mind don't matter,
and  those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups:  End_Verbal_Abuse Group  Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse

Yahoo! Groups:  CoDependents Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents

PT 3: Emotional Abusers (Conclusion)

WARNING: May have explicit language. Also, please note that any of this can
apply to female abusers, too. In fact, some of the information below is
gender biased. Since lesbians abuse lesbians at approximately the same  ratio
that
heterosexual men abuse heterosexual women, this clearly counters  the theory
that "MOST OFTEN...(without treatment) MEN from abusive families  become
"ABUSERS", and WOMEN who grew up in abusive families become "Abuse  VICTIMS".
Remember, abuse is about power and control, not sex. Anyone who grows  up in an
abusive family and doesn't get counseling for said can become an  abuser, a
target, or even both (an abusive target, or a victimized abuser, or an  abuser
with
one partner and a target with another partner, and so on).  Still, it's a good
description of emotional abuse/abusers overall:


Emotional abusers often display different personalities to other people in
their lives - watch for a completely changed demeanor, behavior, body language
and even tone of voice, when they are at work, or with a circle of friends.
The  abuser may claim that this is just different "facets" of his personality,
but in  fact, it is a warning sign that he puts on different personas to suit
the  situation, and you will never know which one is the REAL person. It
belies huge  insecurities - the way children try to act like the crowd they are
with in order  to be accepted - and is an indication of the emotional immaturity
of the typical  abuser.

Emotional abusers, like physical abusers, can be exceedingly charming
-that's why it's so hard for the victim of abuse - their friends only see the
charming side, and don't see the discourtesy, lies, meanness, condescension and
rudeness that happens inside the relationship.

Because abuse is about power and control, the abuser will often try to
become "buddies" or friends with his partner's closest friends. If her female
friends are attracted to him at all, he may even try to prey on that, so that if
she has a conflict or a problem with him, she doesn't have a close supportive
friend to turn to. Abusers will use things like stories of childhood abuse or
  trauma, lost friends or the death of relatives to get her friends to feel
sorry  for him. He will play up the "sensitive guy" role. If he can cozy up to
her best  friend, the friend will feel caught in the middle - which is exactly
what the  abuser wants - to cut off his partner from external support. If he
can, he may  even flirt heavily with her friends, have an affair with one of
her friends, or  become pals with one or more of her former friends as another
way to hurt and  attempt to shame her. As much as possible, he will perpetrate
this behavior in  front of his partner, so that he is exhibiting his control -
going for maximum  hurt to her through a blatant display of compassionless
disrespect.

The emotional abuser often plays push me-pull you. He will indicate that  his
interest in his partner is waning, and when she begins to start separating
from him, he will become attentive and interested again. He may even use sex as
  a weapon against her - by telling her that she isn't paying enough attention
to  him, spending enough time with him, or isn't initiating sex enough, but
then  will reject her advances when she tries to initiate.

Abusers are completely self-centered. They blame other people and seldom
take responsibility for their own actions.

Abusers are self-righteous. They find ways to justify their behavior. As a
result, he always focuses on her problems, and insists that she change to make
the relationship better.

Emotional abusers hate apologizing - and if they DO apologize, they will
only do the same thing again. They know this, and will even try to make it seem
like any expectation of an apology is really an attempt to "blame" them.
(Again,  "blame" being that dirty word). For example, "You just want me to say
I'm
sorry  and promise I'll never do it again, so that when I screw up again, you
can point  a finger and blame me and get angry with me and say, "See? You did
it again and  you promised you wouldn't!"" This is called "projection" -
abusers do it all the  time. They project THEIR issues onto their partner, and
try
to make it their  partner's problem. They make it sound like the partner's is
somehow wrong or  attempting to set them up for "blame", for wanting some sign
of compassion and  remorse, and an indication of willingness to work on the
behavior problem.

If you do get an apology out of an abuser, it is a quick-fix, not a
long-term solution, because they will do the same behavior over again - that is 
why
they are often so resistant to apologizing and saying that they will work on
the behavior - because they KNOW they will repeat it at another time.

Abusers may, early in the relationship, in a moment of "opening up", tell
you of their abusive or manipulative nature. At the time you may think that this
  is some kind of indication of a willingness to work on their past problems,
or  that somehow it will be different for you. In fact, what they are looking
for is  absolution in advance for behavior they will later inflict on you.
They may even  go so far as to say, "I told you this is how I am."

Emotional abusers often grow OLD without growing UP. They are emotionally
stunted and immature. Emotional abusers are self-preoccupied, and demonstrate a
passive-aggressive interpersonal style.

Emotional abusers may do seemingly loving, kind and considerate things,  that
actually convey a subtle message that you aren't "perfect", that you aren't
quite good enough. For example, it may seem very sweet that he rubs cream into
  your hands before bed, but then you remember that he also didn't like you
touching him if your hands were the least bit dry or rough - it "hurt" his
skin,  so you always had to have hand cream to make your hands soft before you
touched  him. Sadly, the REAL message behind the seemingly loving act of rubbing
cream in  your hands is that you aren't perfect, you aren't living up to his
needs and  expectations, NOT that he loves you... In their own subversive way,
these  "messages", couched in "loving" acts, eat away and erode your sense of
self-worth.

Emotional abusers deny that they have any problems and/or project their
problems onto their partner, often accusing their partners of abuse - especially
AFTER the partner has woken up and called the abuser on his behavior. At this
point he will be sure to tell as many *mutual* friends as will listen, that
she  is controlling and abusive to him, in an attempt to further undermine any
support she might get.

In order to gain sympathy, the abuser will share convincing stories of his
burdens, including stories of how he was abused as a child, or how he witnessed
  his mother being assaulted by his father.

An emotional abuser demonstrates little capacity to appreciate the
perspective of another person when his own interests are at stake. Emotional 
abusers
often flip between being a martyr and a self-absorbed asshole - there is  no
middle ground, and they use the martyrdom as an excuse for their behavior  when
they are in self-absorbed asshole mode ("I was just doing something for  *me*.
I'm tired of you making me feel bad about myself."). However, that
"something" often winds up breaking a relationship agreement, a promise, or 
involves
him being condescending, ignoring, or rude.

An emotional abuser sees himself as a blameless victim, and denies his own
provocative behavior, even going so far as to bemoan the fact that a partner
left him, or threw him out, "after all the things I did for her"... The
emotional abuser will play up the "pathos" in an attempt to garner sympathy, all
the while, continuing to stalk his ex, making jokes about things he could do to
upset her, and invading her personal space and boundaries at social
functions.

Like physical abusers, emotional abusers will often stalk their former
partners. The stalker's objective is often to control her through cultivating 
fear
rather than making direct or specific threats, or confronting the her.
Sometimes this stalking can take the form of simply moving into the same
neighborhood as a former partner, and letting her know, through friends, where 
he is
living. His move into her neighborhood will be "justified" by him for some
specious reason, but the reality is, he can't let go and is still trying to
control her and inflict pain on her after the relationship is over. This is a
subtle form of terrorism, because abuse victims are often very emotionally (if
not physically) afraid of their abusers once they wake up. She will know that
she might run into him at the local convenience store, gas station,
supermarket,  or on a walk. He is, in effect, pissing on her boundaries
(something
abusers  have no respect for) and trying to make them his own. He may even begin
dating  someone who lives very close to her, so that he has an excuse to go by
her  house, or park his car nearby.

Ex-partners of abusers will often express fear of their abuser, and will
have no desire to be anywhere near the abuser. On the other hand, the abuser may
try to appear as if he is calm, rational, and still supportive of his
ex-partner, despite the fact that he will also express the opinion that he 
believes
she is quite unstable. He will make statements such as saying that he  "bears
her no ill-will", etc., but then will show no respect for her boundaries  or
her requests for him to stay away from her. The abuser will still inquire
with friends as to how she is doing, implying that his inquiry is because he
cares about her - he does care - about retaining those last vestiges of control,
even after the breakup. What he really wants to know is if she is suffering
or  doing badly, because that feeds his sick ego. He feels best when he puts
other  people in as much pain as he is in.

People in relationships have conflicts. But there is a right way and a  wrong
way to resolve them, and no matter what the other person does, no matter
what a person's "issues" are, abuse is the wrong way. Emotional cruelty and
abuse are choices. A man can choose to be abusive or choose to be non-abusive; 
he
can choose to be honest and straightforward, or passive-aggressive and
covert, and no matter how hard a man tries to blame his partner, there is no
justification for abuse.

If you are a victim of emotional abuse, you have to wake up to the fact  that
this person *does not love you* and probably hasn't loved you for a very
long time, if ever. Because the truth of the matter is, someone who can be
emotionally cruel, malicious, and compassionless with people who have given him
their love and their trust, is so absorbed in self-hate that he is incapable of
loving himself, much less anyone else. What the abuser feels is obsession,
not  love.

If you find that you are having to explain the basics of respect and
courtesy to a partner - if you are finding that he just DOESN'T SEEM TO GET IT, 
when
you try to explain why his behavior or actions were disrespectful - run far
and run fast. People who are capable of maintaining and contributing to a
loving, supportive, healthy relationship, DON'T need to constantly have the
concepts of respect, compassion, and consideration explained to them.

Just because he admits his behavior (and WATCH - some abusers are VERY good
at acknowledging they did something without apologizing, or admitting there
was  anything WRONG with the behavior.), does NOT mean he is willing to change
it,  that he will not repeat the behavior, nor that he even believes he did
anything  unacceptable, hurtful or wrong. DO NOT take admission of an act as a
sign of  integrity, acceptance of responsibility, a show of remorse, or an
indication of  genuine caring, unless you see EXPLICIT behavior that
demonstrates
it.

It is NOT wrong, or unhealthy to want someone to love and care about you  and
care for you, and to want to reciprocate. It is only through this kind of
openness that we can achieve true intimacy with another individual. And two
emotionally healthy people, CAN do this without becoming co-dependent.
Unfortunately, abusers violate the trust that this kind of relationship 
requires, and
are incapable of true intimacy. They want you to be dependent.  People who ARE
capable of genuinely loving you in a healthy and safe way, DON'T  WANT TO
HURT YOU, and do not DELIBERATELY DO THINGS TO HURT YOU. They don't play  on
your
insecurities and they don't wage psychological warfare on you. They  don't
blame YOU for all the relationship problems, and they don't fabricate  problems
just so you can be the scapegoat.

People who love you will treat you with respect, consideration, courtesy,
honesty and compassion. If you are with someone who matches the abusive behavior
  in this article, get help. The sooner you wake up to the fact that the
relationship is unhealthy, and move on, the sooner your life will improve.

Remember: Safe People are people who draw you closer to who you were meant
to be spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. They encourage you to
be your most loving, growing self.








SPEAK  UP!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who  mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group  Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)






[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

PT 2: Emotional Abusers

WARNING: May have explicit language. Also, please note that any of this can
apply to female abusers, too. In fact, some of the information below is
gender biased. Since lesbians abuse lesbians at approximately the same  ratio
that
heterosexual men abuse heterosexual women, this clearly counters  the theory
that "MOST OFTEN...(without treatment) MEN from abusive families  become
"ABUSERS", and WOMEN who grew up in abusive families become "Abuse  VICTIMS".
Remember, abuse is about power and control, not sex. Anyone who grows  up in an
abusive family and doesn't get counseling for said can become an  abuser, a
target, or even both (an abusive target, or a victimized abuser, or an  abuser
with
one partner and a target with another partner, and so on).  Still, it's a good
description of emotional abuse/abusers overall:


Emotional abusers expect more from their partners than they are willing to
put into a relationship. The problem is, no matter how much the partner gives,
it will never be enough, and the abuser will expect more - because the
relationship isn't about love for the abuser, it's about control.

The more independent a partner becomes, the more abusive the abuser will  be,
because he sees he is losing control of his partner.

Emotional abusers expect to be forgiven for their "mistakes" (otherwise
known as abuse) but are unable to forgive their partners for legitimate mistakes
- and will continue to "punish" their partners for those mistakes, long after
apologies and restitution have been made.

Emotional abusers expect their partners to change for them. Unfortunately,
the changes the partner makes will never be enough - the abuser will always
want  more.

The abuser says it's not completely his fault, or she pushes his buttons,  or
that something she did triggered him to do or say something hurtful or
damaging to her.

Emotional abuse can take the form of him insisting that she isn't spending
enough time with him, forcing her to "prove her love" by booking extra time and
  adjusting her life and her schedule around him, so that he can then reject
any  suggestions she has for activities, and act disinterested when they do
have time  together.

When she tries to make plans with him, the abuser will remind her in a
condescending way of how poor she is at planning and how he doesn't believe that
the plans will work out. Over time, comments like this insidiously undermine
her  self-confidence, by telling repeatedly that she is untrustworthy. Her
untrustworthiness becomes yet another excuse for him to "punish" her with 
abusive
language or actions.

Another emotional abuse tactic is to reject activities that she suggests  and
then do them with other people - letting her know that he is doing them with
other people - establishing control and implying that she is not worthy of
doing  the activities with him, but other people are.

An emotional abuser will often use condescension as an effective tool in
manipulating and hurting his partner. In expressing his own internal anger, he
targets his partner. But because she has done nothing to "deserve" his anger at
  this point (or any point!), he may be rude, brutally inconsiderate,
condescending, patronizing, or even use the "silent treatment" to get her upset 
or
angry. When his partner gets upset, and an argument ensues, he can then
express his anger at her, and blame the fact that she "got angry" at him, for 
the
whole argument - even though HE started it. Don't let him convince you that
your anger at his disrespect and emotional cruelty, is somehow wrong or abusive
to him. That is part of his control and escalating cycle of abuse  technique.

As part of this "control" technique, the abuser may "set up" his partner,
pushing as many buttons as possible to get the partner to lose control by
breaking down in tears or getting angry or yelling. If you raise your voice, he
will insist that YOU are the abuser. Don't buy it, and don't believe it. While
there might be better ways to handle the situation, (more easily enacted if
you  weren't emotionally involved with this person), chances are that he has
inflicted so much psychological warfare that you have been backed into an
emotional corner, and are reacting in self-defense. Emotional reactions in
self-defense to an abusive situation do NOT make YOU an "abuser".

One of the more subtle but effective ways an abuser can "wind" his partner
up is by invalidating/rejecting/showing no compassion for the feelings of his
partner - especially in conjunction with a deliberate act of malice that was
designed to upset or hurt the partner. He will claim the act was either
"accidental" or intended to help the partner. He will try to tell his partner 
that
it is NOT OK to feel angry or hurt or upset by his actions - or that if she
DOES feel those things, her "feelings are her own" - that he has no
responsibility towards repairing any emotional damage he may have caused. As 
part of
this tactic he may pay lip-service to personal responsibility by saying  he
"takes responsibility" for his actions, but then make no offer to do anything
about the resulting emotional pain, or say that there is nothing he can do to
repair the damage or make restitution. If she tries to get him to do anything
to  make restitution he will use the word "blame" as if it is a dirty word, and
  accuse her of trying to lay "blame" on him for his actions. This is the
functional equivalent of someone using a board to "fan" you and when he
"accidentally" hits you over the head, telling you that he was just trying to 
HELP
and that if you feel PAIN, well, your feelings are your own, and he can't  be
responsible for YOUR feelings, and there is nothing HE can do about it now...
Non-abusers who genuinely ACCIDENTALLY hurt a loved one's feelings, do not
refuse to nurture those feelings - they help repair the emotional damage, and
they don't repeatedly make the same "mistakes" over and over with their
partners.

The flip side of this, of course, is that emotional abusers want to reap  the
emotional rewards for being nice and doing "good" things for their partners
- they want the affirmation, appreciation and attention they feel they deserve
  when they do something positive for a partner.

The truth about responsibility for one's feelings is that if you love and
trust someone - if you open your heart to the love and caring, you also open it
to the potential for hurt. Yes, in the strictest sense of the word, no one
can  make you feel anything - you choose to let them affect you for good or bad.
But  very few people, (except perhaps those with borderline personality
disorder),  can be completely "unfeeling" when dealing with someone they care
deeply for.  Most people are unable to open their hearts up completely to love
and
be able to  "let" only good things affect their feelings and not the bad. To
disconnect  yourself from feeling hurt and pain is to disconnect yourself from
feeling love  and joy. When you open your heart to someone, you are granting
them your trust  as well as your love. You are trusting them to respect and
honor your love. If  someone abuses you by violating your trust, you are not
wrong for trusting -  THEY are wrong for breaking that trust and using it to
hurt
you.

Emotional abusers have huge double standards. What is ok for them, is NOT  ok
for their partners. I.e. THEY are allowed to get angry - their partners are
not.

Abusers will blame their partner for "allowing" or encouraging them to be
abusive. In as much as a refusal to capitulate can trigger an abusive attack,
any sign of "guilty" feelings or weakness in a partner is like blood in the
water for sharks, when it comes to abusers. Of course, according to the abuser,
it is up to the woman not to provide him with the temptation to abuse, by
changing HER behavior.

If caught in a lie or exposed in a situation where he can't immediately
manipulate his partner into taking the rap, he may try to go for the sympathy
ploy, in an attempt deflect the situation away from his bad behavior. For
example, one abuser caught in the middle of a lie, blamed his lie on "bad 
memory",
almost started crying, and began bemoaning what he would do if his  memory was
going, because his whole job depended on being able to remember lots  of det
ails. All of a sudden, the situation turned from him being caught in a  lie, to
his partner being expected to feel sorry for him because of his "bad
memory"... Other deflection techniques he may use when his behavior is exposed, 
are:


-to bring up stories of childhood/parental abuse (watch these, they are  the
same old stories each time, and if you listen closely, you may see that his
behaviors closely match those childhood abuse patterns...)
-to bring up  troubles and things bothering him at work
-to bring up his hurt and "pain"  over something YOU did ages ago, and have
long-since paid for.
-"missing" a  grown child who has left the home, or children he abandoned and
his former  partner "won't let him" visit (big wonder why...).

If you DO manage to get an abuser to a relationship counsellor, (something
many abusers will insist you two don't need - he'll insist that you "can work
things out yourselves..."), the abuser will work to ensure that the counsellor
  sees HIM as the mistreated partner, or at the very least, that his behaviors
are  one-time incidents rooted in just cause. These kinds of emotional
abusers are  often highly intelligent and manipulative. They will manipulate and
lie
to the  counsellor, pinning the onus back on YOU to change your behavior for
HIM. You  may find it very frustrating and difficult. Even if he can't avoid
having his  trust-breaking behavior exposed, he may find a way to manipulate
the situation  so that his "reasons" for breaking trust were because of YOUR
inability to meet  his needs. Beware. Sometimes counsellors buy into that stuff,
and you end up  getting a double-whammy.

Emotional abusers will hide their abuse in acts that they can claim were
done to "try and help" their partner. For example, taking a partner's kids away
camping for the weekend, ostensibly, "to give her some time off", but without
phoning and checking with her first, "forgetting" she had made plans with
them  already, and deliberately making sure the kids didn't have time to pack up
and  be properly equipped. This is designed to get her upset, but have it look
like,  on the surface, he was "just trying to be helpful and she got upset at
me."  Similarly, an abuser might do some of your laundry "as a favor" to you,
without  your asking, and then shrink or stain your clothes. When you get
upset about the  fact that not only did he do this without asking, but it caused
damage, an  abuser will imply that your anger is invalid and unwarranted, that
you are  ungrateful, (he was just trying to help!), and that there is nothing
he can do  about it now. The abuser learns and goes for the most sensitive
"buttons" on his  partner, so that he can get a response out of her. The abuser
seeks ways to  violate her boundaries through calculated "acts of kindess",
and may resort to  using her children, her personal belongings, her friends, or
her personal space  as tools.

In addition to favors which cause damage, the emotional abuser may do
legitimately helpful "favors" for his partner, but again, ones that the partner
never asked for. The problem is that the abuser never gives freely or
unconditionally. He expects some kind of recompense in return, often without 
stating
what that expectation is. This then gives him another opportunity to  feel
justified in punishing his partner when she doesn't live up to his unstated
expectations of gratitude and reciprocation. When his partner stands up for
herself, you may hear him using phrases like, "everything I did, I did for her",
and
"after all I did for her, THIS is how she treats me!". Abusers will often
complain (especially to others outside the relationship) about how unappreciated
  they are/were, and how they gave and gave and gave, and got so little in
return...

Another destabilizing tactic that the abuser may use is to reneg on a
committment, or on a stated belief, catching you off-guard, possibly even 
putting
you in a position where he can accuse you of "hurting" him because you  didn't
know his beliefs/principles/goals had changed. He will use the excuse  that he
"changed his mind" as a tool for keeping you off-balance. If you  question
his about-face, he will accuse you of not allowing him the right to  change his
mind. While people legitimately DO change their minds about things,  abusers
will do it often, and without warning, with maximum rug-yanking effect  for
their partners.

Emotional abusers will use the "mind change" tactic to set a partner up in  a
no-win situation. No matter what the partner does, the abuser will find a way
  to find fault with it - if the cat craps on his bed and she doesn't clean it
up,  she is uncaring and selfish. If she DOES clean it up, then she was
invading his  personal space.

Emotional abusers encourage their partners to do "self-indulgent" things
that the abuser will later resent them for. It may be as simple as encouraging
her to go out dancing with her friends, or to go visit her mother, or it may be
  as serious as encouraging her to take a job or go back to school. In many
cases,  his "encouragement" is part of the "if she really loves me" test - if
she does  what he encourages her to do, she is diverting her attention from him,
and he  will feel justified in hurting her as a result.

Once someone starts to detach from an abuser and refuses to play the games,
he may go for the sympathy ploy. If his partner doesn't capitulate and refuses
  to pander to his emotional blackmail, she will be accused of being cold and
heartless, in the hopes that THIS escalation of emotional blackmail will hurt
  her further.







SPEAK  UP!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who  mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group  Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)






[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

PT 1: Emotional Abusers

WARNING: May have explicit language. Also, please note that any of this can
apply to female abusers, too. In fact, some of the information below is
gender biased. Since lesbians abuse lesbians at approximately the same  ratio
that
heterosexual men abuse heterosexual women, this clearly counters  the theory
that "MOST OFTEN...(without treatment) MEN from abusive families  become
"ABUSERS", and WOMEN who grew up in abusive families become "Abuse  VICTIMS".
Remember, abuse is about power and control, not sex. Anyone who grows  up in an
abusive family and doesn't get counseling for said can become an  abuser, a
target, or even both (an abusive target, or a victimized abuser, or an  abuser
with
one partner and a target with another partner, and so on).  Still, it's a good
description of emotional abuse/abusers overall:


Emotional abusers are very insidious - some of them are much harder to  spot
than others, because they mingle their abuse in between acts of generosity,
and often employ emotionally manipulative tactics, and passive-aggressive
behavior. Not all emotional abusers overtly belittle and verbally harangue their
partners - some are much more perfidious and as such, their partners may not
realize that the source of their distress and an unease over the relationship
has been coming from abuse for quite some time. The longer a woman remains
under  the grip of an emotional abuser, the more she will start to question
herself,  her actions and her beliefs. It is the abuser's goal to make her
believe
that  she deserves his cruelty and that only through her actions can she make
it stop.  It is his intent to get her to feel that she is the cause of any
relationship  problems, and that his (abusive) behavior is simply a response to
her, and  therefore acceptable. It is true, that only through her actions can
she make it  stop - she must have the courage to leave the relationship and
avoid further  contact with the abuser.

Abusers, physical or emotional, are abusive because of their own self-hate
and internal issues - not because of anything their partner did. No amount of
work or attempting to please will stop an abuser from abusing. They have to be
  willing to recognize and actually work on their own issues before they can
stop  inflicting cruelty on the people who love them. In many cases, they don't
even  love their partners, because they can't even love themselves, and don't
feel  that they deserve love, even though they crave it. Abusers may
genuinely feel  bad that they committed another act of abuse, not because they
have
any real  compassion for the person they hurt, but because they get angry at
themselves  for "screwing up" again. This drives them further into
self-loathing,
and  further into a cycle of abusive behavior.

It is common for men who are "called" on their abusive behavior to blame  the
woman, and claim SHE was the abuser. He may even point to his abusive
childhood as proof that he is just an innocent victim. The truth of the matter 
is
that abusers generally DO have a history of abuse stemming from their
childhood, with emotionally abusive and/or physically abusive parents. However, 
it is
important to note that though women can become abusers, MOST OFTEN  (because
of the way we are socialized and the power setups in society), if there  has
been no *successful* therapeutic intervention, MEN from abusive families
become "ABUSERS", and WOMEN who grew up in abusive families become "Abuse
VICTIMS".

Like the alcoholic, an abuser must admit his behavior to himself and  others,
and seek help. Unfortunately, not all therapy works, and not all people  who
go into therapy are ready or willing to do the personal work necessary to  get
better and eliminate their destructive patterns. As such, abusers are not
safe people - even after they enter therapy. It can take years of therapy to
unravel and undo the damage and self-hate that has driven someone to abuse.
During that time, the abuser may actually get worse before his behavior
improves, if it changes at all. It is quite common for deeply disturbed people 
who
enter therapy to initially use the therapy to project their problems on
everyone else and point out the character flaws of those around them, rather 
than
face their own internal demons. Until they can be honest with themselves  and
the therapist, the therapy will accomplish nothing. For a person who has  spent
a lifetime of lying and hating themselves, honesty does not come easily.

More disturbingly, some abusers can and DO go into therapy as a ploy - to
make it LOOK like they are actually working on their own behavior, and accepting
  responsibility for their actions, when, in fact, the real motive is to arm
themselves with distortions of the therapist's words and tools, in an effort
to  heighten and increase the psychological warfare. The bottom line, is that
you  can't trust an abuser, the same way you can't trust the married man who is
  having an affair and keeps promising to leave his wife.

The more subtle forms of emotional abuse can be the hardest to escape from,
because the gaps between the loving, caring behavior and the emotional cruelty
  can span several weeks or months. However, someone who is nice and caring,
and  helpful for 2 or 3 months at a time, but then deliberately does or says
something very emotionally devastating and cruel to a partner is no better than
  someone who does the same nice things but then PUNCHES his partner once
every  few months. The pain, the insecurity, the uncertainty, and the heartache
are the  same. The bruises and the welts are on the inside instead of the
outside, and  they take far longer to heal. While someone may be emotionally
blind
sided by  major episodes of emotional cruelty, and may even recognize it as
abuse, abused  partners often "overlook" the subtle everyday criticisms, "chain
yanking", and  emotional blackmail that are woven into the fabric of their
relationship,  accepting (or denying) it as just part of a "relationship".
Unfortunately, it's  part of a very UNHEALTHY relationship.

It can leave the woman wondering if the pain is worth the good times, and
even wondering if this is as good as it gets? What if there isn't anything
better? When he distorts the past and blames you for the relationship problems,
you may even feel like you are going crazy, and he will certainly do everything
  he can to imply that you ARE. The truth is, there IS something better. You
don't  have to put up with a relationship where you are treated poorly, with
disrespect, or emotional cruelty, no matter how infrequent those acts are. And
of course, when you do get upset, the abuser will infer that you are
overreacting, or "too sensitive", so it adds to the confusion and hurt that you 
may
feel.


What are the signs and symptoms of Emotional Abuse?

A common misconception is that emotional abuse has to take the form of a
partner yelling over every little thing, belittling or constantly criticizing a
partner. Other forms of emotional abuse, can however, be just as damaging, and
  far less overt. They can include being disrespectful, discourteous, rude,
condescending, patronizing, critical, judgmental, "joking" insults, lying,
repeatedly "forgetting" promises and agreements, betrayal of trust, "setting you
up", and "revising" history.

To outsiders, abusers often appear as decent, successful, sensitive, calm
and nondescript. To their families, they are often controlling, self-absorbed,
hypercritical, compulsive, childish and mean-spirited. Most of abusers are
actually BOTH. It is the disparity between the one they love and the one that
harms them that keeps the woman confused. He may intersperse episodes of abuse
with words of love, telling her that she is "the best thing that has ever
happened" to him, and that he wants to start treating her that way, confusing
her further. She keeps hoping that if she does enough, if she gives enough, he
will stop hurting her and the loving, caring side of him will prevail.
Unfortunately, this is a fallacy that often keeps the woman in the relationship
for far too long. Ask yourself: Do you have a drawer full of "apology" jewelry,
or a closet full of "apology" clothes?

One of the most difficult things about identifying and leaving someone who
is a psychological and emotional abuser, is that the REALLY successful abusers
are highly intelligent and hide their abuse incredibly well. They may have
shelves of filled with psychology books; many are well-read and very well
spoken. They know how to twist and manipulate language and people. They present
an exterior of calm, rational self-control, when in reality, they have no
internal control of their own pain and chaotic self-hate, so they try to control
others, and drive others to LOSE control. If an abuser can cause YOU to lose
control, it proves how healthy HE is, so he can say, explicitly, or implicitly
  (it's amazing how sighs, and rolling of the eyes can accomplish as much as
words), "There you go again, losing it, crying and yelling. I'm not the one
who  needs therapy, *you* are." Unfortunately, if an outsider sees the abuse at
all,  all they see is an outburst from you, NOT the abuse that triggered it.
It may  make you feel as if you have had all your lifelines withdrawn, as if
you are  going crazy, because nobody believes you that this charming, "nice",
helpful,  successful man could be so incredibly psychologically cruel and
deliberately  hurtful.

Abusers play the push-me-pull-you game threatening to withdraw their
affections, dropping statements out of the blue intended to destabilize. This 
has
the effect of making their partners insecure and uncertain, but that plays
right into the abuser's hand as he then can accuse the partner of being "too
needy". Ploys such as casually talking about how he's thinking of taking a job 
in
another city are one such example of destabilizing talk. In this kind of
case, it doesn't start with any discussion of your relationship, or what might
happen to it - he talks only of the cool job opportunity, with no recognition
of  the impact it might have on you, your relationship, or your family.

An emotional abuser may make fun of his partner, or make subtle or
not-so-subtle disparaging remarks about her while with other friends, and 
encourage
the friends to make disparaging remarks. He will then be sure to tell  her about
the jokes they made and act surprised when she doesn't find them  "funny". He
may even tell her that she is overreacting and that it was "all in  fun" and
that no harm was meant by the "joking".

Not all emotional abusers criticize their partners directly - sometimes it
can be as simple as constantly criticizing how someone keeps a kitchen, or
complaining about the mess in the house, or continuous grumbling about the
laundry, or complaining about the noise and mess the kids make. He will make her
think it is her job to keep him happy, and imply that household things are
contributing to his unhappiness and bad temper.

An emotional abuser will seem to encourage his partner to grow, to develop
new skills and expand her horizons, but then will do things to impede or
prevent  that progress. He will mope and sigh about how little time she has for
him
now  that she is working more or taking that course, or back in school. Or, he
will  "encourage" her to advance herself, but refuse to provide any
additional  assistance around the house/family to ease her workload, effectively
making
it  impossible for her to take that course or job. If he DOES provide
assistance, he  will let her know how HARD it is for him, and how MUCH he is
doing
for her,  every step of the way... he will play the "sad puppy" to the hilt,
trying to get  her to feel guilty for the burdens she has put on him.

An Emotional abuser will try to make his partner responsible for his
happiness. Either through direct comments, or indirect implications, the abuser 
will
let his partner know that he is not happy, that it is somehow her fault,  and
that she must fix it. The problem is, no matter what she does, it will never
be enough, and it won't ultimately make him happy.

The abuser may take this behavior to an extreme, insisting that he is the
best partner or relationship she will ever have, the only one who can truly love
  her (despite all her faults!), and that if she doesn't live up to his
expectations, he will leave the relationship. Since abuse is really about 
control,
the abuser knows he can have the upper hand in the relationship if he  can
keep her uncertain and insecure.

Emotional abusers overcompensate for their self-hate with a warped kind of
narcissism. They genuinely believe that YOU SHOULD know how they feel, and know
  what to do to make them happy. AND that you should be willing to do those
things  without having to be asked or told. They believe that they DESERVE to be
treated  better, to be put first, to be given preferential treatment. He will
expect you  to read his mind. He lives by the "if you really loved me, you'd
KNOW how I  feel" game, and of course will punish you for not being
telepathic. If  confronted with the unreasonable nature of this behavior, the
abuser
will blame  his partner for his lack of communication - it will always be her
fault that he  couldn't tell her what he needed or wanted. He will project HIS
behavior on her,  and insist that he couldn't talk to her about what was
bothering him because she  was too intense, or critical, or angry, or
judgmental, or
needy. Don't buy it.  Those are HIS issues. Not yours.

And speaking of narcissism, the emotional abuser will be envious and
resentful if YOU get more attention than HE does in a social setting. He will 
likely
punish you for it by one of any number of techniques: ignoring you,  sulking,
disappearing for hours, flirting heavily with someone else, or leaving  the
party or function without notifying you.

Emotional abusers expect the rest of the household to live by their waking,
sleeping and eating schedules. If his schedule is interrupted or disturbed, or
  if the partner chooses not to follow the same patterns, the abuser feels
justified in "punishing" the offender. This can include the full battery of
emotional abuse and passive-aggressive tactics - because in the abuser's mind,
the partner or household member "deserves" it for not caring enough about him
to  live by his schedules and activity calendar.

Emotional abusers may use punishment tactics like leaving (without a word  to
you), a party or function that you both went to. They will have socially
plausible, pathos-laden excuses for their unannounced departure, like they
couldn't find you, or they were tired and wanted to go home. However, the REAL
reason they left without a word, was to punish you; to wind you up, to get you
worried about them, and ultimately, to have you feel guilty for not paying
enough attention to them. When you confront an abuser on the concept of COURTESY
around these sorts of things, the abuser will either apologize weakly, (but
the  damage has been done), or insist that your distress over his behavior is
overreacting.

Emotional abusers will remind you of your flaws under the guise of trying  to
be "helpful" or sensitive. He may make comments like, "You seem unhappy with
your body" - even though you have made no comments about your body image or
otherwise, or "You are running late again - you never can get anywhere on
time",  or "There doesn't seem to be much point in planning things with you."
All
are  comments intended to unbalance and remind you of what he perceives to be
your  weaknesses.

Emotional abusers will try to isolate you from family and friends. There  are
several tactics that may be employed. If he can't manipulate your friends,
he will either find reasons to denigrate them or will be "uninterested" in
doing  things with you AND your friends. He may find them "boring". You may find
yourself caught in a double-bind where he "encourages" you to go out with
*your*  friends, refusing any invitation to participate, but then mopes that you
never  spend enough time with HIM. Over time, you may find yourself isolated
from your  friends by virtue of the demands on your time that he makes. You may
also find  him VERY upset if he finds out that you have been talking to a
close friend or  family member about him and/or your relationship with him -
especially if that  person is likely to tell you he's behaving like an ass.

One emotional abuser went so far as to "set up" his wife so that she would
isolate herself. He did it by "reminding" her of her "shyness", and how
socially  backward she was. He did this under the guise of "being sensitive" to
her
and  the areas she "needed to work on". Then he would offer to "help" her by
suggesting she come along to a party or social function with him. Prior to the
function he would again "help" her by briefing her on people attending the
party, so that she could "have something to talk about" with them. As part of
his tactic, he told his wife distortions or half-truths so that she would make
  social faux-pas at the function. If she ever questioned him, he would insist
  that SHE must have heard him wrong, and it must have been HER nervousness
that  made her forget or screw up. The man was a "pillar of the community", so
to his  friends, she looked like a bumbling (and even insensitive) fool, and
they  "couldn't figure out why a man like him was with a woman like HER."
Combined  with his subtle denigration of her friends and family, she gradually
isolated  herself by not attending social functions, and cutting off
relationships
with  her support network.

Instead of "lying" to a partner, an emotional abuser may "forget"
significant promises he made to his partner - especially if forgetting that 
promise
will hurt her. He may also "forget" things so that he can let her know  that
things that are important to her are NOT important to him. This tactic can  take
the form of making a special dinner for her, containing shrimp when he has
known for years that she is allergic to shellfish, so she can't eat it, or
buying a feather comforter for their bed, when he knows she is allergic to
feathers. He will claim that his lapse was due to "forgetting", when in fact, it
was
a passive-aggressive ploy to trick the partner into believing he was doing
"something nice", get her hopes up, and then bring her down with the fact that
she could not enjoy this "gift" of his after all... It is a
passive-aggressive  slap-in-the-face.






SPEAK  UP!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who  mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group  Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_ (http:
//groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)






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