<snip> We kiss and cuddle but nothing else.  He says his
morals get in the way of doing anything else right now and I am
trying to understand, but it is not easy to do.  I have been
searching the web for somewhere to talk to someone about these issues
and dont know where to turn, hope this is where I can talk about
things.   Please someone respond.


I'll respond though I'm not sure what to say, I just know it's nice to know
someone is listening.

If you caught my last post, it's easy to see I'm a co-dependent romance addict.
I once thought I would be happy if I could just choose Mr. Right carefully
enough. Nine or so Mr. Wrongs later, I finally know it wasn't them, it's about
my relationship with myself. However, my hormones or inner 13 year old or
something apparently still need more convincing!

Try to be patient and I hope you two have a good therapist you can learn from.

Nicole
--
The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off.
                                                       --Gloria Steinem




SPONSORED LINKS
       Addiction recovery center  Child support recovery  Recovery from addiction
       Addiction recovery  High  Josephine wall




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
YAHOO! GROUPS LINKS


     a..  Visit your group "CoDependents" on the web.

     b..  To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
      CoDependents-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

     c..  Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to the Yahoo! Terms of Service.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Taken from "Tears and Healing"

This Excerpt: Why is Valentines Day So  Difficult?

© 2006 Richard, 21CP Author and Publisher

_http://tearsandhealing.com/_ (http://tearsandhealing.com/)


Excerpt comes from Latin words meaning "to pluck out", and mine are  normally
just that: a section plucked out from the book and nestled in an email  among
some shameless promotion.

Today I'm going to keep the shameless promotion, but I'm going to offer  some
original thoughts. This is based on  the key dynamics of the most  important
of the abusive personality disorders: narcissism. You'll find this  explained
in greater detail in Meaning from Madness, Understanding the Hidden  Patterns
that Motivate Abusers, my latest book.

This perspective is different from most all of what you will read and hear,
and it comes from listening to and reading many stories over the past five
years, along with the challenge of helping people in personal consultation to
understand what is going on in their lives. My  perspective on these  disorders
is much more focused than you'll see in other writing. Keep in mind  I'm not
the APA, so use this as a guide to understanding  – not a  definition.

The Core: Narcissism - Holidays are very difficult for many with disorders
(or their traits), and subsequently, painful for those of us that live with
them. I believe, at it's the core, that the problems that we experience with our
  disordered SOs (significant others) at holiday time comes from the
fundamental  dynamic of narcissism. And unlike others, I define narcissism this
way:
narcissists at heart believe themselves to be despicable people, and they find
safety in presenting an image of flawlessness to the world around them. Any
situation, comment, or action that might reveal the slightest flaw is a huge
threat to a narcissist. To protect themselves, they will do almost anything to
  stop, divert or change that situation, comment or action.

Now before you hit delete, thinking "my SO doesn't have NPD," I want to
suggest here that almost every disordered and abusive person has some narcissism
going on. Another way to say this is that people don't develop "pure"
personality disorders, but rather develop a blend of responses and defenses, and
this one is common to many who are abusive.

The catch for the SOs of people who exhibit this narcissist dynamic is that
we are on the inside of the narcissists secret. We know how incapable they are
  of having a healthy, loving relationship. The demeaning and raging and
controlling is something we live with every day. We know the real truth, and it
isn't pretty. We thus become a huge walking threat to our partners. Our mere
existence represents a threat the truth will become known, and the narcissistic
  defense will crumble.

So what does this have to do with Valentines Day? Well, first of all,
Valentines Day is a virtual land mine field for most everyone. Expectations can 
run
high, and they often don't match the partner's comfort level or natural ways
of expressing - or not expressing - feelings. This in itself is tough for
anyone, but it presents a huge threat to someone with a narcissistic dynamic -
it's like a huge mistake waiting to happen.

Second, Valentines Day hold tremendous symbolic meaning. Why would someone
be your valentine? Because they love you; because they're desirable, because
they're your dream partner... Now hold that yardstick up to a partner who's
abusive. It screams failure. And for a narcissist, that's the worst thing that
could possibly happen.

And so what happens on Valentines Day? For someone with a narcissistic
dynamic, just being in the same room with their partner is like having a huge
FAILURE stamp on their forehead; and the gifts and rituals of the day amplify 
the
resulting feelings of fear, shame, and self-loathing. You could hardly
concoct a more threatening scenario for someone who's safety depends on
maintaining a false impression of flawlessness. So their narcissistic defenses 
kick
into high gear, and the one that's most likely to come out is the response  of
demeaning and diminishing the source of the threat: YOU. Before, during, and
after the holiday, you are likely to be subjected to raging, blaming and angry
venting by a very dysphoric SO. The underlying purpose is to make you so
detestable that your opinion - truthful though it may be - is of no importance,
and the narcissist can go on feeling perfectly flawless. For the narcissist,
pushing back those terrifying, irrational fears is so important that hurting
you  means nothing; let alone worrying about being a good partner.

Sadly, after you go through a couple major holidays with an abusive SO, it
becomes impossible to enjoy them. We've learned that raging, blaming,
criticism,  and abuse will heaped upon us before the holiday is over. Our
holiday
spirit is  often broken, and now that the celebration seems like more pain than
pleasure  for us, we may become active partners in our SOs drive for safety in
isolation,  and choose not to participate in holiday gatherings. At best, we
muddle through,  doing our best to support our SO in holding up that
narcissistic
shield of  perfection, quietly and in isolation tolerating the raging and
blaming. As we  do, we actively diminish ourselves and chip at away at our own
spirit.

From here, what? Understanding is a key constructive change. What's
important to realize is that this pattern is essentially a stable one. For an SO
with
this narcissistic dynamic, this kind of muddling through represents the  best
they can hope for, and they'll continue life this way indefinitely. For us,
these holidays are not just a brutal battering of rages and blaming; they are
a  true heartbreak. Happy times we dream of having in our lives are perverted
into  dastardly scenes of torture at the hands of the one who should most love
  us.

Sadly, there is little hope of change except what we, as the healthier
partner in the relationship, initiate. It is we who must stop and reflect on 
this
madness. It is we who must ask the hard question: is this really the way we
want out lives to play out? While it is possible for disordered SOs, with
treatment and effort, to become much healthier people, they must have an
incentive for this hard and frightening work. As long as we are complicit in 
their
stable pattern of abusive coping, that incentive is probably not there.  That
means that improvement can only come by breaking the stable pattern. And  the
only ones who can break it are we.

To stop the madness, we must be ready to stop our participation in it. This
leads to difficult questions about  what our future should look like. Those
questions are too big for this little "non-excerpt". The key thing we must
accept, though, is this: things will not get better until we demand that they be
better, and take responsibility for the changes in our lives that may  entail.

Holidays are a brutal time for most us living with abusive SOs. The SOs
narcissistic safety is destabilized by the potential of family seeing or hearing
of their true behavior. Their fear leads to raging and blaming, and we bear
the  brunt of this hidden problem. The pattern, unfortunately, is a stable one
for  the narcissist, and only we can break it with a firm resolve to demand
better in  our lives.

[Next time we'll resume our regularly scheduled excerpt  programming.]

© 2006 Richard, 21CP Author and Publisher

_http://tearsandhealing.com/_ (http://tearsandhealing.com/)




SPEAK  UP!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who  mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group  Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)






[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

This Excerpt from "Tears and Healing": Limits of Faith
©  2005 Richard, 21CP Author and Publisher

  _http://tearsandhealing.com/_ (http://tearsandhealing.com/)

[This is not a fun essay. But it is a necessary one. The thing I  most regret
about my own decisions is not that I chose to end my relationship. I  really
don’t think there was any hope for it to become healthy enough for me to  live
in it. What I most regret was my determination to hang on and make myself
stay in it even when it was crushing me.

Like many people, I had the idea that I could deal with the intense abuse
that I was pounded with. I figured, “I’m a grown up. I can handle this.”
The
reality, I’ve since come to realize, is that abuse hurts, no matter how grown
up  you are. It destroys you from the inside out, and cuts away at your belief
in  yourself. By the time I decided I just couldn’t go on, I was already
having  problems functioning at work and at home. But I didn’t realize that I
faced
a  very long time where I simply couldn’t escape from the abuse without
giving up a  huge piece of my life. So I ended up enduring over a year more of
brutal attacks  before I got to safety.

When I talk about limits of faith, I’m really talking about the reality of
how hard it is to sever yourself from a marriage relationship, especially when
there are children. You can’t just walk away. It takes time and it’s a
battle,  no matter how much you hope it can be amicable. You have to preserve
some
strength for it. If you hang in, trying to make the relationship work until
you’re exhausted from the abuse and the craziness, you have a very hard road
ahead getting to safety.

The thing that was missing from my decision-making process was the factual
understanding that's now in Meaning from Madness. I just didn't realize the
severity of what I was facing in my then-wife's illness. I needed her to get
better fast, and in fact I really counted on it. But it just wasn't possible.
Her narcissistic, defensive assertion that she was "not even close" to having a
  personality disorder was wrong; she was disordered, and that can't change
quickly. Neither can the damage to the brain and the personality from sustained
  alcohol/substance abuse. These are things we all need to know, and I explain
  them in Meaning from Madness. And for the record, she's 5 years sober and
doing  much better now. But it just wasn't possible for me to endure her
brutality  while she made that progress.]


Limits of Faith

Well, I have preached at the men on the support lists enough about hanging
in too long. When relationships get really bad, they drain us. And while we all
  want to be faithful to our relationships, we can really get ourselves in a
bind  by sticking with a harmful situation so long that we don’t have the
strength  left to salvage ourselves. And it’s not just men that this can
happen to
- it’s  just that men’s situations are closer to my experience so I identify
with it  more.

We ALL are, or have been, faithful to our relationships. But it is really
important to be realistic about our own strength. By staying in the relationship
  as the primary concern in our lives, we put ourselves at risk of becoming
exhausted and non-functional. You’re not reading this to celebrate your wedded
bliss. We all need to be pragmatic and recognize that exiting the
relationship  is a real possibility. When things get really bad, it has to be 
considered.

The problem is that exiting is hard. It’s important not to exhaust yourself
being faithful for so long that you don’t have enough strength left to manage
that difficult transition - if it comes. We all should have an emotional
rainy  day fund that we can draw on if we need to leave. Repeated upheavals and
crises  are exhausting – even if we manage to get through them. I felt like I
was  managing just fine almost until the point I realized I had to get out of my
  relationship. But I barely kept it together through the eight months between
my  decision to divorce and the point where she moved out. It was a painful
time.  And that was after I gave up.

Don’t go there. Even if you really want your relationship to work, keep
something in reserve. It’s a reasonable enough thing to do.

If you're ready to understand what is going on in your partner, get Meaning
from Madness and get the explanation for what drives disordered behavior.

© 2005 Richard, 21CP Author and Publisher

_http://tearsandhealing.com/_ (http://tearsandhealing.com/)





SPEAK  UP!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who  mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group  Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)






[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Questions Frequently Asked About Abusers & Treatment

Based on "What You Should Know About Your Abusive Partner", a pamphlet  from
the Washington State Department of Social and Health Services reprinted  from
Massachusetts.


WHAT MOTIVATES ABUSERS TO SEEK TREATMENT?

A man/woman may enter treatment after his/her partner has left, threatened
to leave, or obtained a protection order against him/her.  In other cases,  the
court may have required him/her to attend treatment.  Unfortunately, it  is
often true that a man or woman comes for counseling only because it makes
him/her look good and convinces his/her partner to take him/her back.


CAN HE/SHE REALLY CHANGE?

Yes, but progress will depend on the abuser recognizing that he/she has a
problem and his/her willingness to work hard on it for a long time - without
expecting rewards or support from you for his/her efforts. Change does not occur
  overnight, if it occurs at all, and many men/women drop out along the way.
Long-term improvement in behavior is more likely for a man or woman who
completes a full year's program, but even completion is no guarantee; men  and
women may continue to be violent and controlling after treatment.  Many
batterers say that it was only after their partners left, got a protection 
order, or
criminal charges were filed that they realized the seriousness of  their
violence.


IF HE/SHE IS SORRY, WILL HE/SHE CHANGE?

It is common for an abusive man/woman to be apologetic after being  abusive.
But this does not mean he/she will stop.  In fact,  many abusers have a
repeated cycle with a stage of increasing abusiveness,  then a verbal blowup or
incident of violence, and then a period of regret  and attempts to make up.
He/she may make promises and apologize to get you  to take him/her back, to drop
a
protection order, or to not cooperate with  the prosecutor.  This remorseful
stage is just another tactic of his/her  abuse and control of you, and does
not lead to any lasting changes.


IS HE/SHE VIOLENT BECAUSE HE/SHE DRINKS?

Alcohol does not cause a man or woman to be abusive; it just gives  him/her a
convenient excuse.  If he/she is violent and also abuses alcohol,  then
he/she has two problems to take care of. Within days of getting off  alcohol, a
substance-abusing batterer typically has a period of improved  behavior, and
then
heads back to old abusive ways.  He/she may use his/her  sobriety to
manipulate you.  Although violence and substance abuse are  two separate
problems, a
substance-abusing batterer is often particularly  dangerous.  He/she will have
to  be clean and sober in order to make  any meaningful progress to his/her
abusive problem.


SHOULD WE TRY COUPLES' COUNSELING?

No.  Couples' counseling allows him/her to stay focused on his/her
criticisms of you, instead of dealing with his/her own problems.  He/She  may
even
retaliate against you physically  or verbally for what you say to  the
counselor.
You may also be put under pressure to give up certain  things that are
important to you in return for him/her giving up the  abuse.  Abuse is a problem
in
the abuser, not a problem in the  relationship.  For all these reasons, a an
abuser should not be in couples'  counseling while he/she is attending
treatment.  Couples' counseling  may be helpful to you in working on other
problems,
after he/she has stopped  using violence  or intimidation for at lest 6 months,
and is consistently  treating you better.


WHAT HAPPENS IN TREATMENT?

In the state of Washington, batterers' treatment programs must be certified
by the state.  Such programs are expected to meet a number of  requirements.
In a nutshell, the treatment goal is to increase your safety  by holding the
abuser accountable for his/her violence an for taking  responsibility for
changing his/her behavior.  The program is one year  long.  For a minimum of six
months, he/she will meet with a group of other  men/women once a week.  Then
he/she will attend a session at least once a  month for six months.


WHAT IS MY ROLE?

The treatment program will contact you as part of assessing how they can
help you (and your children) get safe and how they can best work with the
abuser.  They contact you as soon as possible after he/she joins the  program,
and
then periodically  thereafter.  They do not tell your  abuser anything you say
unless they have your permission.  In addition to  their calls to you, you are
also free to contact the treatment provider any time  for an update on
his/her participation in the program.  Remember though,  that you are the best
judge
of his/her progress.  The abuser is told not to  discuss your contact with
the treatment providers, except to tell you that they  will be calling.  He/She
is not allowed to try to influence what you tell  the treatment providers, or
to ask you questions afterwards about it. He/She is  not to be present while
they talk to you.  He/She is free to discuss is own  sessions if he/she wishes.

While the abuser attends treatment, it is not your role to give him/her
emotional or financial support.  In fact, while in the program, he/she must 
take
responsibility for the abuse.  You have the right to decide  to  limit or
eliminate contact with him/her for any length of time if you choose to  do so.


SHOULD I STAY WITH HIM/HER?

Your first consideration should be safety for you and your children.   You
are encouraged to get support for yourself, if it is safe to do so, through
your local program for abused men or women.  He/She may pressure you  to stay
with him/her while he/she attends treatment; this is a tactic of abuse  and
control, designed to keep you from making up your own mind.  If he/she  is
serious
about changing, he/she will respect your wishes about the  relationship.


HOW DO I KNOW IF HE/SHE IS CHANGING?

You are the best judge of whether he/she is changing or not.  Trust  your gut
feelings regardless of other signs.  Some of the things to look  for are:

Has he/she completely stopped saying and doing things that frighten  you?

Can you express anger in a healthy manner toward him/her without being
punished for it?

Does it feel safe to bring up topics that may upset him/her?

Can he/she listen to your opinion and respect it  even when he/she  disagrees?

Does he/she respect your wishes about sex and physical contact?

Has he/she stopped expecting you to do things for him/her?

Can you spend time with friends without afraid that he/she will retaliate?
Can you do other things that are important to you, like go to school or get a
job?

Are comfortable with they way he/she interacts with the children?  Do  you
feel safe leaving them alone with him/her?

Is he/she being supportive and giving compliments?  Does he/she listen  to
you?

Does he/she do his or her share of housework and childcare?


Some signs he/she is not changing:

Does he/she use his or her treatment against you in any way?

Does he/she tell you that you are abusive? (in some unions both parties are
indeed abusive, yet, if this be the case then each should be focused on fixing
  his/her own behavior).

Is he/she pressuring you to go to couples' counseling for the two of  you?

Does he/she tell you that you owe him/her another chance?  Does he/she  say
he/she can't change without your support?

Does he/she try to get you or the children to feel sorry for him/her?

Do you have to keep after him/her to attend his/her treatment  sessions or to
stay in a program? Make the appointments for him/her?  Pay the counseling
bills for him/her? Etc.

Is he/she making his/her abuse sound like a lot less than it really is when
he/she talks about in the treatment group?  (You can ask his/her counselors
to describe to you what he/she is reporting.)

Does he/she expect something in return from you for the fact that he/she is
attending treatment?

Is he/she pressuring you to make up you mind about the relationship or to
move back in together?

Is he/she pressuring you to drop your protection order?






SPEAK  UP!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who  mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group  Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)






[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

This Excerpt: Al-Anon on Letting Go

© 2005 Richard, 21CP Author and Publisher

_http://tearsandhealing.com/_ (http://tearsandhealing.com/)


[I used to be enthusiastic about Al-Anon. With time, I’ve  concluded that
while Al-Anon has some powerful teachings, it really fails to  lead people to
seek their true course in life. Thus, I now suggest you take the  teachings of
Al-Anon, like the one below, but use courage and reflection to  determine where
you should go with your life. Too often, Al-Anon seems to  endorse stagnation.
People, and this includes you and me, deserve better than  that.

One area where I think Al-Anon fails in is the recognition that there can  be
something wrong besides alcoholism and a failure of spiritual trust.
Alcoholism goes arm in arm with mental illness, and dealing with an alcoholic 
who's
also mentally ill is impossible unless you understand both problems. My  new
mini-book, Meaning from Madness, explains the dynamics that drive people who
have narcissistic, borderline, and antisocial (sociopathic) personality
disorders. These are the mental illnesses that I see in partners who are 
abusive.
It is really an essential companion to the self-reflection in Tears and
Healing.]

Al-Anon on Letting Go

At a time when things felt so terribly beyond my control, Al-Anon books
helped me acknowledge my feelings and come to better acceptance of what was
happening. One passage in particular helped me when my wife was in crisis. For
whatever reason, Al-Anon feels their books should not be quoted at all except
within their own groups. I can only wonder how a public service organization
arrives at such a position, especially whencopyright law clearly supports
limited quotations. Some battles are not worth fighting, however, and this is 
one
of them.

So, to paraphrase, the basic idea taught is this: It sounds like a simple
thing to let go and let God. Yet when a spouse or loved one is in crisis, we
want to hang on at all costs. It seems like doing whatever we can to maintain
some control can prevent bad things from happening. We fear that if we give up
control, anything could happen.

But when we try to maintain control, what we really do is to lock ourselves
into a horrible situation. And, in reality, all our efforts aren’t working to
stop bad things from happening. The control we think we are maintaining is
really an illusion.

And so, in backhanded way, we are right. If we give up control, anything
could happen, even something much, much better than we imagined. When we stop
trying to control things, we open the door to change.

When we stop controlling, the natural consequences of actions start to be
felt. Whether our partner is drinking uncontrollably, or raging, or despondent,
or whatever, releasing control often means that the consequences of their
actions start to come home to them. For example, an abusive partner might end up
  in jail if we call the police, or an addicted partner might be disciplined
for  missing work if we don’t cover for them. We might think these are
terrible
  things we’re allowing to happen, but in reality, people respond to the
consequences of their actions. If these consequences seem awful to us, they also
seem awful to them. And awful consequences can be a strong motivator to
change.

By releasing control and having faith that in time things will work out, we
open the door to life changes that can make our lives much, much better. To do
  this takes faith – faith that we have the power to build a better life;
faith  that even when things seem terribly hard, they will get better.

Looking back at my situation at its worst, I know now that the best thing  to
do situation was not what I thought it was. I wanted to hold on at all costs
to the “situation,” and I’ve written about how I felt obligated to my wife
and  my children and the grocery store clerk (p. 113). I thought above all I
needed  to preserve a nuclear family and blah blah...

Ultimately, I had to let go and let things find their own course. For me,
that led to separation, and a lot of time and effort to ensure our children were
  well cared for. I’ve written about how this responsible care for them
enabled  them to sail through separation without emotional trauma, or even an
apparent  hiccup. My then-wife has improved significantly after three years on
her
own.  And, yes, I am better off now too.

Faith allows amazing things to happen.

© 2005 Richard, 21CP  Author and Publisher

_http://tearsandhealing.com/_ (http://tearsandhealing.com/)




SPEAK  UP!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who  mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group  Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)






[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

This Excerpt: Brainwashing

© 2005 Richard, 21CP Author and Publisher

_http://tearsandhealing.com/_ (http://tearsandhealing.com/)


[This essay on brainwashing was one of the very first things  I wrote at the
beginning of my process of reclaiming reality. Why was this  subject so
important at that early time in my healing? Because abusers develop a  number of
defense mechanisms to help maintain their distorted view of reality,  and some
of
those mechanisms work to try to change our reality to match theirs.  If they
get their hooks in very deep, it becomes hard to sort out what is  real.

Getting a handle on what these defense mechanism are, and how they affect
us, is critical to untangling this twisted web that is woven around us. I
designed my new book Meaning from Madness specifically to address the factual
aspects of abusive behavior. It covers three essential topics: 1) the dynamics,
or core motivations, of the three disorders that drive most abusers; 2) the
defense mechanisms that abusers use to protect themselves (and control us); and
3) how substance abuse and addiction pour gasoline on the fire of a
disordered  mind. Meaning from Madness is designed to help you understand what
you are
up  against. I expect to have the web site ready to take orders tomorrow...

In contrast, this essay from Tears and Healing is more about the emotional
challenge of recognizing and rejecting a powerful defense mechanism that I was
subjected to: brainwashing. At the time my then-wife was periodically raging
at  me for extended periods; tearing brutally at my self-esteem; and stru
ggling to  her utmost to keep me isolated from support. She was, indeed, trying
to
spin a  completely reversed reality around me and use verbal brutality to
prevent any  healthy forces from disturbing that. Sadly, this is a popular and
widely read  section.

For those uninitiated, NECW stands for "Not Even Close Wife" - a parody of
her denial that she was ill - "Not even close!" to having BPD. Well, old
proverb  say man with duck doo on feet most probably have duck in house.]

Brainwashing -

An unsent Letter to my NECW

As part of my struggle to know where reality starts and insanity stops,  I
wrote this letter to my wife.  No, I didn’t send it to her. It would only 
have
triggered an angry response, and would never have been forgiven. But I  needed
to do this to really see the true extent of what was happening to me.

Dear NECW,

Today I am going to write to you about how you are destroying my
self-esteem. I’m going to use a description of brainwashing from p. 63 of Stop
Walking
on Eggshells (p. 171 ). So let me show you how you are doing this to  me:

  Isolate the victim: This one is clear. You have insisted that I can  only
talk to a therapist about my life. Then when I’ve tried to do this, you’ve
told me you can’t deal with this, and implicitly threatened to lose control
and
attack me even further if I had my own therapist. When I talk to someone at
work, you attack me, and tell me I could have talked to my father, your mother,
  my brother, my friend. When I talk to my father, you accuse me of destroying
  trust in the relationship. In short, you insist that I isolate myself from
everyone else in my life.

Expose them to consistent messages: Over and over again, you tell me  how I
am sick, how I will not take blame for our problems, how I never talk to  you,
never touch you, never respond when you “beg” me to change. You continue to
attack me for dressing, acting, choosing cars and telephones in ways you don’t
  want. You’re not asking for change. You’re not asking for anything.
You’re
telling me you think I’m worthless and expressing unbounded contempt for me.

Add some form of abuse: Your rages are abuse of the first order. And
contrary to your assertions, these aren’t new. They’ve only become more
frequent
and more intense. They are violent, deliberately hurtful attacks. They serve no
purpose except to demoralize me. When you are not raging, you are acting out
quietly: calling me at work dysphoric, accusing me of not being alone;
getting  me in a room or on the phone and not letting go of me even though no
purpose is  served. This is painful and abusive.

Get the person to doubt what they know: This one is one you’re getting
better at. Now that your therapists have had a look at me, you’re perfectly
positioned to bombard with me “credible” assertions about how awful I am.
You
consistently tell me what you say your therapist said about me - always bad. I
know these are distortions, based on what you say, but over and over you use
this tactic, and it creates doubt. Why does everyone in the world think well of
me but you and your therapists?

Keep them on their toes: This is your best. You are always  unpredictable.
Anything can change your mood from stable to threatened. When  threatened, you
become accusing, critical, and often attack me. I never know  what is going to
happen when I answer my phone, what you are going to do when  you walk into
the study, who will be standing in the kitchen when I come in.
Wear them down: see all of the above.

So you see, you are intent on destroying my self-esteem - brainwashing  me to
think badly of myself - and you work tirelessly toward that end. And I
deserve better than that.

© 2005 Richard, 21CP Author and Publisher

_http://tearsandhealing.com/_ (http://tearsandhealing.com/)





SPEAK  UP!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who  mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group  Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)






[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

This Excerpt: Overcoming Fear

© 2005 Richard, 21CP Author and Publisher

_http://tearsandhealing.com/_ (http://tearsandhealing.com/)


[Fear is a huge issue for people in abusive situations,  because for many of
us, there is a compelling need for us to take action to  change our situation
to protect ourselves. Fear can be paralyzing, especially  when we are stepping
into the unknown and considering choices we think others  will condemn.
Remember: ignorance is the guardian of fear. And a journey of 1000  miles begins
with a single step, no matter how small. With conviction, fear can  be overcome,
and more easily than you think.]

Overcoming Fear

Well, it’s one thing to think about making changes in your life. Or  even to
decide that we need to make changes. But the real kicker comes when it’s  time
to actually make those changes happen. And that, my friend, is where all of
us run smack into fear. And it can be paralyzing, totally paralyzing.

Ignorance Guards Fear

This fear is protected with a wall of ignorance. Take divorce: Can I  make a
living? Is it best for the children? Can I get custody? Partial custody?  How
much alimony will she/he/I get? How long will it take? Can I afford the
fight? And so on.

All these questions have answers, or approximate answers. And it’s pretty
certain that if we’re feeling afraid, we probably don’t know these answers.
These answers give you the understanding and knowledge to allow you to see where
  change will take you. The more of the answers you have, the less ignorance
you  have to protect your fears. Once the fears diminish, it becomes possible
to make  the decision WITHOUT anguish. What’s more, it becomes emotionally
possible to  start making those changes.

Fear is dealt with by 1000 tiny steps to LEARN. It’s amazing how little we
know about the things we fear. One phone call, a visit to a web site, a phone
call to a friend, a question on a support list - can provide the knowledge to
change something from a fearful unknown to “Hey! I can do that!” The key is
to  recognize the fear of change, and put your finger on what you are
assuming,  without really knowing, that makes you afraid. From that, you can
take a
step to  get a better understanding. And once you have it, you’ll be able to
take another  step.

It may take ten or 20 small steps to make a big change. For me, a great
example was finding a divorce attorney. I was so frightened of that. But I did
the 20 steps, one by one: buy a book; read the book; look in the phone book;
read the book again; talk to a friend; read that book again to find out what
I’m
  supposed to ask; make a list of questions; write a script for a voicemail;
look  on the internet; look again; try harder this time; make a call; return a
call,  make an appointment; Every damned one of those things I was afraid of.
Even  buying the book! I bought it with cash so my wife wouldn’t ask what
I’d
bought!  But as a result of those small steps, I was able to make a big
change.

Once I determined to knock these walls down, everything came into focus and
my actions became part of a plan. Something that I chose and I took control
of.  By eliminating ignorance of the “what ifs”, you eliminate the anguish
and
allow  yourself to own your choices, and to move forward and change your life.

Step by step, little by little, you knock down the walls of ignorance that
guard those fears.

© 2005 Richard, 21CP Author and Publisher

_http://tearsandhealing.com/_ (http://tearsandhealing.com/)



SPEAK UP!

Be who you are and say  what you feel,
because those who mind don't matter,
and those who matter  don't mind.
- Dr. Suess



Yahoo! Groups:  End_Verbal_Abuse Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)






[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

This excerpt from "Tears and Healing": What Became of  Me?

© 2005 Richard, 21CP Author and  Publisher


_http://tearsandhealing.com/_ (http://tearsandhealing.com/)


[I realize that the title of this section has more than one meaning. So I
suppose I should pick one?


A better wording might be “What Became of Me?” In all the coping and caring
and compensating and fixing… Too often it all gets focused on others: dodging
  bullets; trying to placate a partner who can’t be placated; trying to make
things ok for children in a home that really isn’t ok. Somewhere in all this,
there’s a piece missing. Nobody is taking any care of me.

Not even me.

We best care for others, and best meet our obligations, by first caring for
ourselves. Simple, but a big change in thinking for many of us.]

What Happened to Me?

The one person, and the one obligation, that is neglected most by nons  is
the obligation to one’s self.

We are taught in life to persist. We are taught to finish the job, not to
give up. We are taught, in short, to use our will to push ourselves to do the 
“
right” things. And this is a big, big problem for many of us.

Feelings Over Thoughts: The problem with acting in accordance with our will
is that it puts our thoughts in charge to override our feelings. The idea is
that we know with our thoughts what is right, and our feelings are selfish,
weak, greedy, lustful, and otherwise wrong. So our feelings make us want to do
things, but our correct and right-minded thoughts tell us what is really
right,  and will provides the force that makes the thought prevail over the
feeling.

And the thing that is so terribly wrong in this model is that our thoughts
are never more right than our feelings. Could it be so?

Peck (p. 165) speaks to this very nicely, and the section on Depression and
the Unconscious (p. 68) summarizes his view. When we use will to enforce our
thoughts, we sicken ourselves - because we are acting in opposition to the
basic  life drive within us.

Perhaps this is a bit of a leap. But our feelings are the ultimate arbiter
of what is right and wrong. They come to us through prayer, meditation, or
stillness. They are, in essence, our path or channel to God.

Self-Love comes First of All - When we allow the truth that we find in our
deepest feelings to become the guiding force in our lives, we discover that
indeed I am of paramount importance. The force of will, pressing us to stay in a
  hurtful place, is gradually replaced with the truth from our inner
knowledge. We  are obligated above all to care for ourselves.

This message comes very clear from inside. The depression, the frustration,
the anger that our unhealthy relationships cause, all of these clamor for
change. They are the feelings - the signals - that we are neglecting ourselves.
And ultimately we must respect this obligation to ourselves, or we will
perish.  We will disappear as our spirits are pressed by abuse into smaller and
smaller  spaces, with greater and greater pain. Ultimately, our protection
mechanisms  will relieve this pain - by dissociation, by denial, by altered
awareness, and  ultimately by death.

Children need us - Last, many of us lose sight of the primary importance to
our children of our own mental and spiritual health. We use our will to
overcome  the pain, resentment, and deprivation of our abusive and isolated
lives to
  provide that intact family that we so value. Yet we lose sight of the damage
  that is done to us by this choice. We lose the balanced perspective we need
to  see how our parental interactions and parental models are diminished by
the hurt  we suffer and the abuse we allow.

Our first responsibility to our children is to be healthy ourselves. We
would never choose to be physically unable to care for them. We have the same
obligation to stay mentally and spiritually able to care for them. As nons we
must fight for this well being. For many of us, it can only be found by leaving
the relationship. If this is true, we are obligated to do this - to leave the
  relationship - if we are to provide the nurture and care that our children
need.

The change doesn’t have to be permanent. We can always come back. But we
need to make sure that the right changes happen in our partner’s behavior
before
we do that. And often, holding to a very serious boundary like this might be
the  only way to motivate a partner to make big changes.

© 2005 Richard, 21CP Author and Publisher

_http://tearsandhealing.com/_ (http://tearsandhealing.com/)






Be who you are  and say what you feel,
because those who mind don't matter,
and those who  matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups:  End_Verbal_Abuse Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

How to be Unhappy!

Taken from drirene.com

Let's add to this neat list! Email your choice tidbit to _tidbit@..._
(mailto:tidbit@...) ! Please let me know if  you want your name,
initials, email, or no credit, if your phrase is added.  Here's my addition:
Don't
say what you mean. Don't mean what you say. Whatever  you say, say it with
anger. (Dr. Irene)

Inspired by a phrase GS tacked onto the  bottom of the Unhappy list:  "Say
what you mean. Mean what you say. Whatever you say, say it with love." (The
Moody Blues).

Make little things bother you. Don't just let them, MAKE them.

Lose your perspective on things and keep it lost: don't put first things
first.

Get yourself a good worry, one about which you cannot do anything.

Be a perfectionist, which means not that you work hard to do your best, but
that you condemn yourself and others for not achieving perfection.

Be right. Be always right. Be the only one who is always right, and be  rigid
in your rightness.

Don't trust or believe people, or accept them at anything but their worst
and weakest. Be suspicious. Insist that others always have hidden motives.

Always compare yourself unfavorably to others. This guarantees instant
misery.

Take personally everything that happens to you.

Don't give yourself wholeheartedly to anyone or anything.
Get rid of  your sense of humor.  Life is very serious and you should take
yourself  seriously. (Gail)

Two words: self-pity and lots of it.  The whole world is definitely  against
you. (Gail)

Cultivate bad, addictive habits in yourself.  Drink a lot.  Smoke  a lot. Eat
a lot. (Gail)

Go silent whenever someone sparks up a conversation that you don't know
about. Make sure to fidget, squirm, roll your eyes and bite your nails to the
quick. Quickly change the subject at the first opportunity. (Nancy A Cara Sager)
Always build yourself up at the expense of others. Say things like "I
could've told you that." (Nancy A Cara Sager)
You have the power to change  other human beings. (Tammy McQuillan)

All people other than yourself are broken and You can fix them since you
have Godly power.  (Tammy McQuillan)

You can fix another person, but you can't do squat about yourself.   (Tammy
McQuillan)

Become irresistibly attracted to people who will never be there for you, on
any level, ever.... (Sarah)
Never say "I'm sorry." (Nancy A Cara Sager)

Make sure you take things people say to you as an insult, and let them  know
it - especially if you know they didn't mean it that way!  (A. M. W.).

Ask for help from somebody who is unsuccessful 4 weeks before the most
important exam of your life and then believe them when they say, "Nobody ever
passes that exam" (PGM)

Remember every little wrong that has ever been done to you, real or
imagined.  Gather those bad feelings & put them in a bag - it will be a  large
and
heavy package.  Then drag that bag behind you everywhere you go  for the rest of
your life.  It is your ticket to unhappiness and your proof  of how right you
are about everything!  (TC)

Scrutinize your partner's path with God and tell them what you see that  they
are doing wrong.  After all, God talks to you, therefore you know what  is
best for others where God is concerned. (Viv)

Make sure you  vocalize your unhappiness to your loved ones, every day!
Share the wealth,  take them with you! (Viv)

Say mean, hateful things about other  people when they aren't around, but be
nice to them when they are.  Be sure  no one except your partner hears the
words you speak. (Viv)

Tell  your partner how much you can't wait to get rid of them and remove them
from  your life.  The next day, tell that same person how much you love them
and  how lucky you feel having being able to share your life with them. (Viv)
Yell, scream, and belittle your partner until they cry. Then smugly proclaim
what a baby they are. (Tami)

Surround yourself with misogynistic alcoholics who cannot maintain a
relationship. (Brigette C. Pepe)

"Don't ever let yourself feel pain or fear or sorrow. Instead, turn it
instantly into anger, and then make sure to let your partner see that anger."
(M.T.)

"Always remember that if your partner loves you, he or she can read your
mind. There is never a need to share openly with them how you feel." (M.T.)

"Keep careful track of everything you do for your partner, and  vice-versa.
Remember, the person with the highest score loves the other the  most. Be sure
to keep your partner appraised of the score - especially when you  are ahead."
(M.T.)

"Believe every single negative thing anyone  ever says about you. Forget
about anything positive - they were obviously  wrong!" (M.T.)

"Don't waste your time trying to better yourself.  People that love you will
obviously put up with anything you want to do.  Instead, work diligently to
change others - that is much more fun." (M.T.)

"Admitting you have a problem is the first, and a huge, step  towards
recovery. Be proud that you have the wonderful insight and honesty to  admit you
have
a problem and stop right there. That should be plenty of work for  anyone!"
(M.T.)

"Surround yourself with only people that agree  with everything you say. The
last thing you need is contradictory opinions!"  (M.T.)

"Don't think about your own flaws much at all - this only  causes problems.
After all, ignorance is bliss." (M.T.)

"Dwell on  your flaws all the time. Never miss a chance to remind yourself
that you are an  imperfect person." (M.T.)

"Remember, home is where you can let  your hair down and relax. No need to be
polite and put your best foot forward at  home. Save your best for the
outside world." (M.T.)

M.T writes:  That only took a few minutes! That can't be good! ha ha  Too bad
that  spotting negative behavior is oh so much easier than ridding oneself of
it.  Thanks MT! Dr. I
Refuse to be responsible. Let others, especially your  wealthy parents,
support you financially. That way it doesn't matter if you  can't hold a job,
can't
get a credit card, can't get a checking account or can't  balance a checkbook
if you do somehow get one!  (Marji)

Go to work, and make up horrible things about your partner. When they give
you advice on your lies, believe it. Pattern your behavior around it. Sunshine
:o)

Get advice on your relationship from a family member who has repeatedly
abused and abandoned you in the past. Sunshine :o)

Get angry when you are worried about your partner leaving, and then yell,
scream, accuse and abuse them so they know how much they mean to you. Sunshine
:o)

Go to jail for domestic violence on your Anniversary, Thanksgiving and
Christmas in the same year, and then tell everyone how much YOU hate  holidays.
Sunshine :o)  :)

Stop yelling and being angry all the time, because your wife is wise to it
and has learned how to stop it.  Instead, sigh and moan and groan  constantly
when near her so she can't help but notice you now that you're being  such a
great guy. (Debi G.)

Make sure to put your wife into no win situations often, especially in  front
of the kids.  That way, no matter how she acts or reacts, she will  look bad.
  As a result, you look like the good guy. (Debi G.)

Spend as much time working as possible, since those are the people who
admire you the most.  Then, when you're home, remind your family about how 
loved
you are at work.  Remind them frequently that something must be wrong  with all
of them--everyone at work thinks you're the best. (Debi G.)

Tell your kids often how they could be the best athlete, best student, best
everything if they would just work out, or study, or do everything just like
you.  And when they don't do as you advise them, tell them what losers they
are and will be. (Debi G.)

If you get angry about something be sure not to talk about the problem and
to clear it up. Instead be vague and insist that there is no point in
discussing  it as it has been discussed a million times before but carry on
about it
and  make sure it remains a problem. (a)

Remember you are perfect. It is always the other person’s fault. (a)

Abuse with an Excuse: "I Did It Because I Love You".  (Wendy  Russell)

Always remember...when expressing sorrow for having hurt the one you
love...do so by also explaining that had it NOT been for THEM...you COULD
never...you WOULD never have committed such a horrendous act.  Frequent use  of
this
method will not only guarantee your unhappiness as before long.....your  spouse
will start to respond!  Indeed!  Misery loves company so use  this one to your
advantage.  Soon.....no one will find reason to  smile!      :o) or is that
:o(    (Wendy  Russell)

Always remember...words without actions are meaningless,  therefore...strive
to ensure continued contradictions between the two.  An  increased state of
confusion also increases the chances of UNhappiness.  It  may take some time but
nothing worth having comes withOUT a price!    (Wendy Russell)

If your spouse repeatedly attempts to explain the  she's feeling alone,
neglected, frightened, abandoned, ignored or dismissed  entirely...take a few
moments to demonstrate how much you REALLY care by  either:  nodding your head,
walking away, grunting or MY personal  favourite, by falling asleep.  If she
responds with anger and frustration  or God forbid, she indicates that she's
feeling deeply hurt.......express  further concern by acknowledging that she
clearly needs SOMEone to talk  to.  If you truly love her, offer to find her a
good
therapist.  If  after years of dealing with her constant expectations, her
continued demands  that if nothing else she deserves even a little
respect...leave her...she's a  b&%ch!  (Sorry Dr. I. - Couldn't resist)   (Wendy
Russell)

Always remember...you can repeat the SAME promise over and over  and over
again but ONLY if you continually break the initial promise.  If  confronted
with
this dilemma...never forget...it's not YOUR fault that someone  ELSE'S
behaviour compels YOU to act in ways that constantly force YOU to  apologize. 
This
one is fun as it allows you...the one who repeatedly  breaks promises...to
demonstrate not only how intelligent you are but how  incredibly righteous you
are as well.  WOW!  You DO have a  purpose!!!   (Wendy Russell)
" Be an emotional martyr! Wear a fake  smile and never need help from anyone!
That way you can feel justifiably angry  when people think that you never
experience any 'real problems'. Then one fine  day, when you feel ready to
spread
your vitriol, unload your tales of woe on  somebody who looks too happy for
you to take. This works best when you have no  intention of dealing with what
ails you." (MB)

" 'It's not my fault. If only...' If only everybody did what you wanted,  you
would not be in such misery, so blame everybody else, blame everything else,
blame it on Rio, the full moon, whatever, but it is not your fault. You are
not  accountable to anyone, not even yourself!" (MB)

"Resentment is a dish best served hot, swimming in a rich sauce of
self-pity." (MB)

"Make this your mantra: Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, the world is
against me! Say it enough, and you'll be darned if it weren't true!" (MB)

"Be inconsistent and unpredictable in your affection toward your spouse.
They may never know if you truly love them, but at least they can't say you are
boring." (MB)

Make everyone feel guilty for not giving you enough attention and  praise.

Make your wife feel guilty for not constantly noticing you and admiring  you.

Make your kids feel guilty for not saying "thank you" when you do things
with them.

Let everyone know how lucky they are that you are in their presence.

If you're not entirely sure of the facts, make them up. Never, EVER user  the
phrase "I don't know." It is far more important to SOUND like an expert than
actually to BE one. (RDA)

Scr** the other guy before he can scr** you. (RDA)

When your partner walks into the room looking great and gleaming, withhold
all compliments and affection. Keep a stern expression and yell out a string of
  commands like: "Put your cup in the sink!", "Get that book off the TV.!",
"Stop  the dog from scratching!", "Hurry up! We're late!", "Get your keys;
you're  driving!"  (Bertha W.)

When you come home to the house beautifully clean and your wife obviously
worked all day on it, and the wife greets you with a smile and dressed pretty,
make sure you tell here that she didn't wipe down the light switches. (Bertha
W.)

Have your wife always serve your dinner to you, and run constant errands  for
you like getting tools, or finding socks. THE FOLLOWING IS A CRUCIAL PART TO
THE PLAN: Never wait on her. If she asks for you to make her a cup of tea
tell,  her she doesn't need it. Then when she refuses to wait on you until you
reciprocate, make your own dinner.  NOTE: be sure to put on a big pathetic
show of your actions while preparing you food. But never give  in to her
demands. Your are the only one deserving of being waited on hand and foot. She 
is
incapable of earning that right.  (Bertha W.)

Never work on your marriage, then blame your wife when she's had enough and
seeks a divorce. (NW)

Insult your wife in front of the kids, then tell everyone and anyone  who'll
listen that she's trying to turn the kids against you. (NW)

Ignore your wife and then tell her that the relationship problems are  all
her fault because you aren't getting on. (NW)

Be nice to your wife only when you want something: money, sex help with  your
problems. As soon as you get what you want, go back to being nasty and cold
towards her. (NW)

Constantly accuse her of cheating, then go join a couple of dating  agencies
so you can have her replacement ready when the relationship ends. (NW)

Make promises to take your wife out and do things together, then don't
bother; the excuse being lack of money, no time, forgot.......place your own
reasons here. (NW)

Throw tantrums when your wife refuses to go with you anywhere as the  only
reason you would have to invite her out in the first place is so that she  can
sit in the car where you can see her. (NW)

Isolate her from friends and family and when she complains that you two
haven't spoken in months, tell her you're too busy working whilst what you're
really doing is surfing. This way you remain in control of her time and yours.
(NW)

True Story: Keep your partner at bay - quoting, "I need space and although
you don't understand it, it's the only way I know how to deal with my worries.
Furthermore, I can't be around anyone now; that drains me, so your feelings
are  unimportant."  Nevertheless, after 7 months of mixed messages of "Is there
  hope?" ,"Is there some reconciliation?",  after calling you and asking you
for a favor, when he ready to discuss "us", he shouted out, "You're jealous,
too  emotional, and I 'm having sex with someone else."  There's one for you  .
   (TM)

Abuse others and then claim that they "deserve" it because they abused  you
"first"! (Free Terri)




HAPPY NEW  YEAR!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who  mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group  Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

On Personal Responsibility

picked up off the web as contributed by G. Droll

I asked God to take away my pain. God said, No.
It is not for me to take  away, but for you to give it up.

I asked God to make my handicapped child whole. God said, No.
Her spirit  was whole, her body was only temporary.

I asked God to grant me patience. God said, No.
Patience is a by-product  of tribulations, it isn't granted, it is earned.

I asked God to give me happiness. God said, No.
I give you blessings,  Happiness is up to you.

I asked God to spare me pain. God said, No.
Suffering draws you apart  from worldly cares and brings you closer to me.

I asked God to make my spirit grow. God said, No.
You must grow on your  own, but I will prune you to make you fruitful.

I asked for all things that I might enjoy life. God said, No.
I will  give you life so that you may enjoy all things.

I asked God to help me LOVE others, as much as he loves me.
God  said...Ahhhh, finally you have the idea.






HAPPY NEW  YEAR!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who  mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group  Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Help! I Still Love My Abuser!

In a recent email, a reader asked the following question: "Why do I  continue
to feel love for this person that abused me?  I DON'T miss the  abuse, but I
do miss the good times we had... I still cry sometimes because I  miss what I
thought we had.  Is this normal?"

Yes, it is very "normal." In fact, most people leaving abusive  relationships
feel the same way. Many, at least initially, have a hard time  staying away
from a person they know has hurt them. What is going on?


Loss of a Relationship

When you give up a partner, you  give up a lifestyle as well. You give up
shared friends, shared activities, as  well give up the comfort of being half of
a couple. You knew there was someone  around; maybe you saw each other or
chatted daily. You knew you would have  something to do or someone to be with on
Saturday night. Even if you stayed home  alone on Saturday night, you knew
someone was there. You had a partner. Your  life changes when you break up with
your partner. All of this takes some getting  used to. It takes time to regroup
and rebuild.

Saturday night...what's a person to do? Not only will you mourn the loss of
partner status with its shared friends and activities, but you are also  likely
to experience the void of the Back-to-Square-One Syndrome. Got to  start all
over again with the trials and tribulations most partnership-ready  singles
dread: meeting new people via singles bars, blind dates, email; not  meeting
new people; dating, dating and more endless dating...

When you do finally meet a prospective partner, you must go through the
initial motions again: the getting to know each other phase: do they like me? Do
I like them? Do they want a relationship? What about sex? If you get past the
third date, you can look forward to the initial misunderstandings, the  not
knowing whether things will work out; introductions to friends and  family;
meeting friends and family. Knowing you don't know, you wonder whether  you
will go through this initial relationship stuff again and again. Unless you  are
a professional dater who is allergic to commitment, dating gets old  fast.

The loss of a relationship is unsettling. When you lose an abusive
relationship, you must deal with all of the ordinary losses as well as some
specifically related to abuse.


Losses in an Abusive Relationship

Low self-esteem. Your self-esteem will be at a low point. You are coming  out
of a relationship where you have been riding an emotional roller  coaster
powered by your partner's deft ability to give with one hand and take  away
with the other. This is not the time to look to any love interests to  bolster
you. Spend some time alone, some time with good friends and family. This  is
the time to be good to yourself and to love yourself in a constructive way.
For example, start an exercise program. Get that jacket you've been admiring.
Constructive self-caring is about moderation. Moderation is the difference
between pampering yourself with a purchase and a destructive spending  spree.

So very, very good; so very, very bad. Your partner knew how to cut you to
the quick with a look, and how build you up higher than high. You are likely to
  miss how extraordinarily good your partner made you feel. Don't forget, they
had  to - to make up for all of the bad! The good we remember, the bad we
forget.  Don't make this mistake. Every time you sadly recall a wonderful
memory, think  of one that hurt. Better yet, think of two.

Actions speak louder than words. Your partner knew exactly what you wanted
to hear and said or implied it. Think: this person claimed to love you. Did he
or she behave lovingly over time? Do you behave like your partner towards
people  you love?

Promises, promises. Your partner may be back and may promise you the world.
He or she really, really means it! He or she means it for as long as long as
it  takes to regain your trust. As soon as you become comfortable in the
relationship, your partner will do something to mess things up. They can't  help
it. As much as they crave closeness, they fear it more. There is  absolutely
nothing you can do about this, but save yourself from it.

Loss of Reality or Fantasy? Did you lose something you really had? Or did
you lose a promise that never quite materialized? Did you lose a happy life,  or
the prospect of a happy life? How much of the time were you really happy?  It
is likely you are mourning the dream of what could be as opposed to the
reality of what was. Check it out.


Advice

Do what you can to get through the first few days  or weeks, or however long
it takes you. Listen to your instincts - especially  when you don't like what
you have to say! Heed your advice. Don't give in!  Taking your own advice will
help you rebuild your self-esteem. An antidepressant  often helps you stay on
track and do what you have to do during this tough  time.

If you know that a relationship is not good for you, stick to your guns. No
matter what promises are made, they will be broken. Don't let your  wishful
thinking, your guilt, your sorrow or your empathy lead you down  another dead
end path. People don't change overnight.  Unless you've  learned some new
skills, or your partner has been really working the program in  therapy, if you
go back with your abusive partner, it is only a matter of time  before the
relationship goes right back to where it was, or becomes worse. Know  that you
will wake up one day and find yourself in the same hole you are in  today, but
deeper. If you run your life with your head instead of your heart,  you will
emerge stronger, wiser, and more self-confidant.

Now is the time to learn from your mistakes. Above all, learn to listen to
yourself and take your own good advice.

Courtesy of Dr. Irene Matiatos, Copyright© 1999. The material on this
website may be distributed freely for non-commercial or educational purposes
provided that author credit is given.


HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Be who you are  and say what you feel,
because those who mind don't matter,
and those who  matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess



Yahoo! Groups:  End_Verbal_Abuse Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Abuse cloaked in the guise of caring or love...

Many people find it difficult to determine what constitutes emotional  abuse.
The media is full of  information about physical and sexual abuse,  but
emotional abuse seems to be much more difficult to define. A few writers  have
begun to address this form of abuse,  provide new insight into this  form of
abusive behavior, and explore the damage caused by it. Most of the  information
here will be taken from the book, The Emotionally Abused Woman, by  Beverly
Engel.

Ten Behaviors that Characterize Emotional Abuse

"Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another
human being through the use of fear, humiliation, and verbal or physical
assaults. Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than
physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant 
criticism
to more subtle tactics such as intimidation, manipulation, and refusal  to
ever be pleased."  (p. 10)

According to Engel, there are ten behaviors that characterize emotional
abuse: domination, verbal assaults, abusive expectations, emotional blackmail,
unpredictable responses, constant criticism, character assassination, gas
lighting, constant chaos, and sexual harassment. Following are brief 
descriptions
of each.

Domination: A dominator needs to control everything. He decides who you  talk
to, where you go, what you wear, how much money you have, what you do and
when. They frequently will use anger or threats to get what they want from you.
They have all the rights, you have none (p. 13).

Verbal Assaults: An abuser will use "berating, belittling, criticism,  name
calling, screaming, threatening, blaming, and using sarcasm and  humiliation."
(p 14). These assaults induce fear in the victim and passivity.

Abusive Expectations: Many abusers use constant demands to wear down  their
victim. They require constant attention, emotionally, physically and  sexually.
Their victim is expected to drop everything and everybody else to meet  the
immediate demands of the abuser. Since it is impossible to meet ALL of
anyone's needs, no matter what the victim does it will not be good enough, 
resulting
in constant criticism (p. 15).

Emotional Blackmail: An abuser uses manipulation and coercion to  control
their victim. They find it easy to use guilt, fear, or even the victims  caring
feelings towards him to manipulate situations to get what they want.  Threats
of ending the relationship or giving the "silent treatment" are forms of
emotional blackmail (p. 16).

Unpredictable Responses: To keep his victim constantly on edge, an  abuser
will suddenly change his mood or demands. The victim never knows  what to
expect. When you think he will react one way he will often react just  the
opposite. This prevents an opportunity for the victim to feel any sense of 
stability
(p. 17).

Constant Criticism: Through constantly finding fault,  the abuser  wears down
the ability of the victim to believe she has any worth or ability to  think
for herself. Over a period of time he is able to convince his victim that  she
is incapable of managing on her own (p. 17).

Character Assassination: According to Engel character assassination  "Occurs
when someone constantly blows your mistakes out of proportion; gossips  about
your past failures and mistakes and tells lies about you; humiliates,
criticizes, or makes fun of you in front of others; and discounts your
achievements." (p. 17-18).

Gas lighting: This is a technique of trying to make the victim believe  she
is insane. The victim is told hat things she thought happened, didn't; that
things that were said, weren't. An subtle attack is made on the ability of the
victim to recall things properly. Her honest or sanity is called into question
  (p. 18-19).

Constant Chaos: Constant arguments and conflict are used to create  chaos and
instability. As soon as things are calm individual who are addicted to  chaos
will instigate a fight to satisfy their inability to live in peace. By  doing
this they force those around them to live in the same chaos. Eventually
everyone becomes uncomfortable with peace and calm (p. 19).

Sexual Harassment: According to Engel Sexual harassment is "whenever a  woman
is pressured into becoming sexual against her will." (p. 19). Although the
term is most frequently used (and legally used) in terms of the workplace, the
behaviors involved can be applied to a personal relationship. Sexual
harassment  includes "sexist jokes, comments on ones body and ones real or
imagined
sex  life, and sexual propositions. It can also include other forms of emotional
  abuse to coerce a woman to perform sexually.

Financial Abuse: occurs when money is used to control or limit one  person.
The victim is expected to account for all expenditures. Money, food,  clothes,
even medicine can be withheld at the whim of the person holding the  bank
book. The abuser may always find money for his interests and hobbies but  the
bills don't get paid or essentials are not provided. Some abusers will  insist
the
partner stay at home and not be out in the workforce but not  acknowledge the
work done in the home. If value is seen only through how much  money one
makes then the person staying at home becomes devalued.

Any one of these on occasion may be used by individuals. However it is  the
constant use of these behaviors used specifically to get one personal needs
met at the expense of the other that are destructive. Victims often feel
helpless, guilty, not good enough, like they deserve it. Engel states that "True
emotional abuse is distinguished by the following:

It is constant, as opposed to occasional.

The intent is to devalue and denigrate rather than to simply state a
complaint.

The intent is to dominate and control rather than to provide  constructive
criticism.

The person has an overall attitude of disrespect toward you, rather  than
just not liking something specific that you are doing." (p. 22)

The saddest thing about this type of abuse is that despite the  tremendous
damage it does to the victims, it is rarely identified as abusive  behavior.
Many of the victims who have experienced this type of emotional abuse,  have
been
convinced of their inability to function in the world without their  partner.
They are convinced that they deserve the treatment or that there is  nothing
they can do to make it right. Some even say, "They only say (or do) that
because they love me and want to help me be a better person." Like any victim of
mind control techniques, the victim is unable to see the abuse because it has
been cloaked in the guise of caring or love. And the victim that believes
that  this is love, is more at risk for either returning to an abusive
relationship or  getting into another one after leaving the first. Victims have
learned
that love  hurts. How sad.

There is hope. Many people are learning about emotional abuse, what it  is,
what its effects are, and how to stop it. Information, support groups and
friends, and therapy are helping victims to break the patterns of abuse in their
families. By doing this they teach their children that they do not have to
tolerate abuse when they grow up, that abuse is not a part of love and that they
  deserve better.  Many are learning and growing and are eventually able to
sustain a healthy non abusive relationship.

(1)  Beverly Engel. (1990) The Emotionally Abused Woman. New York:
Ballantine.





HAPPY NEW  YEAR!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who  mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group  Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Just FYI: I didn't write this piece. I don't know who did. Just so everyone
knows because sometimes people reply to articles I post and it looks as if I
wrote them, lol.


Gaslighting and Reality

Imagine that you got up one morning and  everything was different. Suppose
that your life partner asked you why you  were wearing a blue shirt when you
knew you were wearing a white shirt and  seemed puzzled when you insisted that
you saw  it as white. Suppose you got  to work and your telephone extension had
been  changed from 4432 to 4435  but everyone insisted that it had always been
4435.

Imagine what you  would begin to think if you pointed out a new piece of art
in your favorite  restaurant only to be told by your lunch partner that it had

always  hung just where it was. Imagine that you began to notice that  you
experienced a reality slightly but significantly different from the  reality
other people experienced.

What if these sort of oddities  began happening day in and day out? The
world that other people perceived,  understood, and remembered was different
from
the world you understood. And  now suppose that this condition persisted, not
just for days, but for  weeks, months, and even years.

What do you think would begin to happen inside of you? You might get  angry
with everyone in the world because they saw the world differently  from you -
you  might continue to insist that you are right. But after a  while your anger
would  probably fade. If you have a shred of rationality,  you would begin to
think,  "How likely is it that I alone think my  shirt is white, my phone
number is 4432,  and the painting is new? If  everyone I trust thinks the world
is different from  the way I think the  world is, there must be something wrong
with me."

If you have a shred of  rationality, you would begin to think that it was
you. Your anger and  frustration would begin to shift and include anxiety or
even

fear,  depression, confusion, and self-doubt. If you have a shred of
rationality,   you would wonder if you might be going crazy.

Watch a baby test the  world and learn about her reality detection devices.
The baby reaches out  her hand, picks up the pretty bobble, raises it over her
head, and  lets it fall back to the surface. She giggles with glee. She is
delighted  by her reliable and consistent understanding of the way gravity works

in the universe. She couldn't tell you that. But inside, she knows what she
is learning. She is learning that reality is consistent and that her senses
are
reliable devices for detecting reality. Her self-esteem is building. She  is
thinking (in baby think), "I can, I can, I can..."

Surprise  changes in reality are amusing in small, brief doses. It is why we
like  jokes and are excited by thunder. When reality briefly defies  our
perception, we get a rush from the novelty and then quickly restore  ourselves
to
reality. But the story is different if reality is altered in  permanent ways.
It is a different story if those we trust to help us remain  in touch with
reality  tell us that we are not in touch with reality. We  begin to feel odd.
"I
see dead  people".

We check out reality with  other people all the time. It is part of how we
keep our reality detection  devices properly tuned. "Do you see what I see? Is
it
me or is that ladies  hair on fire?" Our self-esteem suffers and our trust in
ourselves begins to  erode if our reality detection devices begin to seem
unreliable. In the  end, we begin to think we are crazy. This is an essential
component of bona  fide Brainwashing. If you have complete control over another
person and you  make reality unpredictable, they have to rely on you for
reality.  "Today  is Tuesday. So is Tomorrow." The organizing fabric of reality
as
derived   from sensory and perception begins to deteriorate if that reality is
not   validated by those around us. This is a technique for making other
people crazy.

This sort of reality distortion is a principal plot device in the play  and
movie, Gaslight. A man marries a naive young woman and sets out to  drive her
crazy so that he can steal her jewels. Each time he leaves the  house the gas
lights dim and she hears footsteps on the floor above (he  sneaks back in by a

secret stairway, dims the light, and walks the  floor). No one else notices
and he insists that he was away. She begins to think  she is crazy. The more
the
victim of Gaslighting trusts the person who  is bending reality, the more the
victim suffers.

Some people claim  that the partner of someone who is having an affair
always knows. I doubt  that is true. But I do think that partners often know
that
something  is amiss - if they pay attention to their intuition. And that
holds for  more than affairs. I think most people detect subtle shifts in the
conduct
and emotion and mood - the aspect if you will - of their partners. When  we
detect shifts, we check it out by asking questions. Usually, if our  intuition
is  working and our friends are truthful, they validate our  intuition.

Sex addicts lie to keep their secret lives secret. They lie by  omission and
commission. They lie to lots of people. Most especially, they  lie to their
partners. They lie to cover up. They lie when their partners  ask questions and
express suspicion and doubt. Addicts gaslight their  partners. This is one of
the  wounds that partners suffer and must  heal.

When addicts get into recovery they are often surprised by the  intensity of
their partners reactions. But reflect on the little thought  experiment that
began this essay. When you deceived your partner, you  caused her or him to
call reality into question. You damaged their relationship  with reality.
Because your  partner trusted you - trusted that you would  not distort reality
-
your partner  may have felt quite crazy. There is  relief for partners when they
know the truth  - they begin to know that  they are not crazy and so can
begin to restore their  own relationship with  reality. But trust does not
restore
quickly.

Return to your imagination  and think what you would think and feel if your
partner and coworkers and  friends admitted that they had been deliberately
distorting reality to  keep secrets and make you crazy. Imagine that they had
been doing that for  years. Even if those people disclosed their acts,
expressed their remorse,  and promised never to do that again, how long would it
take you to again trust  them to validate your reality?

Author Unknown




HAPPY NEW  YEAR!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who  mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group  Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Before some of you ask, as invariably some members do, not ALL  codependents
are passive! There are different degrees and stages of  codependency, so that
some codependents can be outwardly angry  and/or aggressive (i.e., those
codependents who realize they are being abused  can, understandably, feel
outraged
by this and not be afraid to say something  about it either). Some
codependents can even be abusive. In fact, DR Irene  (an authority on abusers)
believes
many abusers are codependent, too.

Therefore, please consider determining for yourself with the aid of a
counselor/some self-help books if you are codependent or not (although DR  Irene
also believes that ALL targets of abuse are codependent) - as opposed  to
reading
on a list posted here, "Codependents don't know how to ask for what  they
want," for example, and assuming, "Oh, I must not be codependent then! I  have
no
problem telling my abuser that he/she is abusive and that I want him/her  to
get counseling!"

I personally view codependency, succinctly, as having an  over dependency on
a 'toxic' person (drug addict, alcoholic, verbal  abuser, etc.), and having
the compulsion to change, fix, save, and  control said toxic person, rather than
working on one's own issues - whether one  is meek as a mouse or a raging
bull. Simplifying it in this manner has  enabled me to better recover from my
own
codependency, instead of getting bogged  down by the customary traits of
codependents. I.e.,  "Well, according to this list I am this, but not that, I am
this, but not  that," and so on.

Free Terri




HAPPY NEW  YEAR!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who  mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group  Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

If only  the abuser would stop! Codependency and addiction to  chaos...

Ironically, codependency isn't about other  people - it's about the
relationship with the self.  Codependents often  believe that if the addict,
alcoholic,
or abuser in their life got clean,  sobered up, or stopped abusing that their
problems would go away. Yet,  codependents in denial cannot adjust to the
relationship changes that occur when  their partner begins recovery. They may
move on to other addictive or abusive  relationships so they can cling to their
own dysfunctional patterns (the  controlling codependent is often lost without
someone to blame, fix,  save, and control!). How many times have you heard of
people who leave one  drug addict, alcoholic, or abuser only to enter a
relationship with another  one?

All people involved in the addictive cycle need  a solid recovery program if
relationships are to be preserved and they are to  lead happy, fulfilling
lives.

Codependency Recovery:

Recovery from codependency is deep work based  on shifting our relationship
with ourselves. We may have to let go if the people  in our lives are unwilling
to work through their issues.  "Firing" the  people we were codependent with
may be a part of that, but remember -  codependency is about us, not them!
Recovery from codependency involves  learning to take responsibility for our own
actions, feelings, behavior, issues,  and lives.

Codependents have as much difficulty accepting  their powerlessness over
people and events as alcoholics, addicts, and abusers  have regarding their own
powerlessness (many treatment modalities approach  codependency as an addiction
to control and/or caretaking.) Ongoing therapy and  a twelve step program
(CODA meetings or Al-Alon meetings if CODA meetings are  not available in your
area) are highly advised. Melody Beattie's Codependent No  More is recommended
reading, as is her book The Language of Letting Go.

Letting go of the need to control people,  places, and events is difficult,
but will ultimately set us free of our  self-defeating patterns, shame, and
fear. The investment in caretaking/control  take a lot of our energy - letting
that go frees our energy for more productive  uses.


Characteristics of  Codependency

Symptoms of Codependency:

Inability to know what "normal" is.
Difficulty in following a project through.
Difficulty having fun.
Judging self, others without mercy.
Low self esteem, often projected  onto others. (eg: Why don't they get their
act together!)
Difficulty  in developing or sustaining meaningful relationships.
Belief that others  cause or are responsible for the codependent's emotions.
(Codependents often  use language like "you make me feel ______", or "I was
made to feel  like____")
Overreacting to change (or intense fear of/inability to  deal with change.)
Inability to see alternatives to situations, thus  responding very
impulsively.
Constantly seeking approval and affirmation,  yet having compromised sense of
self.
Feelings of being different.
Confusion and sense of inadequacy.
Being either super responsible or  super irresponsible. (Or alternating
between these.)
Lack of self confidence  in making decisions, no sense of power in making
choices.
Feeling of fear,  insecurity, inadequacy, guilt, hurt, and shame which are
denied.
Isolation  and fear of people, resentment of authority figures.
Fear of anger or  bottling anger up till it explodes.
Hypersensitivity to criticism.
Being  addicted to excitement / drama. (Chaos making.)
Dependency upon others and  fear of abandonment.
Avoidance of relationships to guard against abandonment  fears.
Confusion between love and pity.
Tendency to look for "victims"  to help.
Rigidity and need to control.
Lies, when it would be just as  easy to tell the truth.


Are you codependent?

Melody Beattie, author of Codependent No More  developed this check list:

Do you feel responsible for other people--their  feelings, thoughts, actions,
choices, wants, needs, well-being and destiny?
Do you feel compelled to help people solve their problems or by trying to
take care of their feelings?
Do you find it easier to feel and express anger  about injustices done to
others than about injustices done to you?
Do you  feel safest and most comfortable when you are giving to others?
Do you feel  insecure and guilty when someone gives to you?
Do you feel empty, bored and  worthless if you don't have someone else to
take care of, a problem to solve, or  a crisis to deal with (addiction to drama
or chaos)?
Are you often unable to  stop talking, thinking and worrying about other
people and their problems?
Do you lose interest in your own life when you are in love?
Do you stay  in relationships that don't work and tolerate abuse in order to
keep people  loving you?
Do you leave bad relationships only to form new ones that don't  work,
either?


Characteristics of  Codependency

Following is a commonly used list of  characteristics of codependency.

My good feelings about who I am stem from being  liked by you
My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval  from you
Your struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention focuses on  solving
your problems/relieving your pain
My mental attention is focused on  you
My mental attention is focused on protecting you
My mental attention  is focused on manipulating you to do it my way
My self-esteem is bolstered  by solving your problems
My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain
My own hobbies/interests are put to one side. My time is spent sharing your
hobbies/interests
Your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my  desires and I feel
you are a reflection of me
Your behaviour is dictated by  my desires and I feel you are a reflection of
me
I am not aware of how I  feel. I am aware of how you feel.
I am not aware of what I want - I ask what  you want. I am not aware - I
assume
The dreams I have for my future are  linked to you
My fear of rejection determines what I say or do
My fear  of your anger determines what I say or do
I use giving as a way of feeling  safe in our relationship
My social circle diminishes as I involve myself  with you
I put my values aside in order to connect with you
I value your  opinion and way of doing things more than my own
The quality of my life is  in relation to the quality of yours


What is Codependency?

These patterns and characteristics are offered  as a tool to aid in self
evaluation. They may be particularly helpful to  newcomers as they begin to
understand codependency and may aid those who have  been in recovery a while
determining what traits still need attention and  transformation.

Denial Patterns:

I have difficulty identifying what I am  feeling.
I minimize, alter, or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself  as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of
others.
Low Self  Esteem Patterns:

I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge  everything I think, say, or do harshly, as never "good enough."
I am  embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
I do not ask others  to meet my needs or desires.
I value other's approval of my thinking,  feelings, and behaviors over my
own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable  or worthwhile person.
Compliance Patterns:

I compromise my own values and integrity to  avoid rejection or others'
anger.
I am very sensitive to how others are  feeling and feel the same.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful  situations too long.
I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own  and am often afraid
to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
I  put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
I  accept sex when I want love.
Control Patterns:

I believe most other people are incapable of  taking care of themselves.
I attempt to convince others of what they  "should" think and how they
"truly" feel.
I become resentful when others  will not let me help them.
I freely offer others advice and directions  without being asked.
I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
I  use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
I have to be "needed" in order to  have a relationship with others.


Characteristics of Codependent  People

We have an overdeveloped sense of  responsibility and it is easier for us to
be concerned with others rather than  ourselves. This in turn enabled us not
to look too closely at our faults.
We  "stuff" our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the
ability to  feel or express our feelings because it hurts too much.
We are isolated from  and afraid of people and authority figures.
We have become approval seekers  and have lost our identity in the process.
We are frightened by angry people  and any personal criticism.
We live from the viewpoint of victims and are  attacked by that weakness in
our love and friendship relationships.
We judge  ourselves harshly and have a low sense of self esteem.
We are dependent  personalities who are terrified of abandonment. We will do
anything to hold onto  a relationship in order to not experience painful
abandonment feelings which we  received from living with people who were never
there emotionally for us.
We  experience guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of
giving in to  others.
We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can pity and  rescue.
We have either become chemically dependent, married one or both, or  found
another compulsive personality, such a workaholic to fulfill our own  compulsive
needs.
We have become addicted to excitement.
We are reactors  in life rather than actors.


Signs and Symptoms of  Codependency

Codependency involves a habitual system of  thinking, feeling, and behaving
toward ourselves and others that can cause pain.  Codependent behaviors or
habits are self-destructive.

We frequently react to people who are  destroying themselves; we react by
learning to destroy ourselves. These habits  can lead us into, or keep us in,
destructive relationships that don't work.  These behaviors can sabotage
relationships that may otherwise have worked. These  behaviors can prevent us
from
finding peace and happiness with the most  important person in our lives...
ourselves. These behaviors belong to the only  person we can change.. ourselves.
These are our problems.

The following are characteristics of  codependent persons: (We started to do
these things out of necessity to protect  ourselves and meet our needs.)

CareTaking

Codependents may:

Think and feel responsible for other  people---for other people's feelings,
thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs,  well-being, lack of well-being, and
ultimate destiny.
Feel anxiety, pity,  and guilt when other people have a problem.
Feel compelled - almost forced -  to help that person solve the problem, such
as offering unwanted advice, giving  a rapid-fire series of suggestions, or
fixing feelings.
Feel angry when  their help isn't effective.
Anticipate other people's needs.
Wonder why  others don't do the same for them.
Don't really want to be doing, doing more  than their fair share of the work,
and doing things other people are capable of  doing for themselves.
Not knowing what they want and need, or if they do,  tell themselves what
they want and need is not important.
Try to please  others instead of themselves.
Find it easier to feel and express anger about  injustices done to others
rather than injustices done to themselves.
Feel  safest when giving.
Feel insecure and guilty when somebody gives to them.
Feel sad because they spend their whole lives giving to other people and
nobody gives to them.
Find themselves attracted to needy people.
Find  needy people attracted to them.
Feel bored, empty, and worthless if they  don't have a crisis in their lives,
a problem to solve, or someone to help.
Abandon their routine to respond to or do something for somebody else.
Overcommit themselves.
Feel harried and pressured.
Believe deep  inside other people are somehow responsible for them.
Blame others for the  spot the codependents are in.
Say other people make the codependents feel  the way they do.
Believe other people are making them crazy.
Feel angry,  victimized, unappreciated, and used.
Find other people become impatient or  angry with them for all of the
preceding characteristics.
Low Self  Worth

Codependents tend to:

Come from troubled, repressed, or dysfunctional  families.
Deny their family was troubled, repressed or dysfunctional.
Blame themselves for everything.
Blame others for everything.
Pick on  themselves for everything, including the way they think, feel, look,
act, and  behave.
Get angry, defensive, self-righteous, and indigent when others blame  and
criticize the codependents -- something codependents regularly do to 
themselves.
Reject compliments or praise.
Get depressed from a lack of  compliments and praise (stroke deprivation).
Feel different from the rest of  the world.
Think they're not quite good enough.
Feel guilty about  spending money on themselves or doing unnecessary or fun
things for themselves.
Fear rejection.
Take things personally.
Have been victims of sexual,  physical, or emotional abuse,neglect,
abandonment, or alcoholism.
Feel like  victims.
Tell themselves they can't do anything right.
Be afraid of  making mistakes.
Wonder why they have a tough time making decisions.
Have a lot of "shoulds".
Feel a lot of guilt.
Feel ashamed of who  they are.
Think their lives are not worth living.
Try to help other  people live their lives instead.
Get artificial feelings of self-worth from  helping others.
Get strong feelings of low self-worth - embarrassment,  failure, etc...from
other people's failures and problems.
Wish good things  would happen to them.
Believe good things never will happen.
Believe  they don't deserve good things and happiness.
Wish others would like and  love them.
Believe other people couldn't possibly like and love them.
Try to prove they're good enough for other people.
Settle for being  needed.
Repression


Many Codependents:

Push their thoughts and feelings out of their  awareness because of fear and
guilt.
Become afraid to let themselves be who  they are.
Appear rigid and controlled.
Obsession


Codependents tend to:

Feel terribly anxious about problems and  people.
Worry about the silliest things.
Think and talk a lot about  other people.
Lose sleep over problems or other people's behavior.
Worry.
Never Find answers.
Check on people.
Try to catch people  in acts of misbehavior.
Feel unable to quit talking, thinking, and worrying  about other people or
problems.
Abandon their routine because they are so  upset about somebody or something.
Focus all their energy on other people  and problems.
Wonder why they never have any energy.
Wonder why they  can't get things done.
Controlling


Many codependents:

Have lived through events and with people that  were out of control, causing
the codependents sorrow and disappointment.
Become afraid to let other people be who they are and allow events to happen
naturally.
Don't see or deal with their fear of loss of control.
Think  they know best how things should turn out and how people should
behave.
Try  to control events and people through helplessness, guilt, coercion,
threats,  advice-giving, manipulation, or domination.
Eventually fail in their efforts  or provoke people's anger.
Get frustrated and angry.
Feel controlled by  events and people.
Denial


Codependents tend to:

Ignore problems or pretend they aren't  happening.
Pretend circumstances aren't as bad as they are.
Tell  themselves things will be better tomorrow.
Stay busy so they don't have to  think about things.
Get confused.
Get depressed or sick.
Go to  doctors and get tranquilizers.
Become workaholics.
Spend money  compulsively.
Overeat.
Pretend those things aren't happening either.
Watch problems get worse.
Believe lies.
Lie to themselves.
Wonder why they feel like they're going crazy.
Dependency


Many codependents:

Don't feel happy, content, or peaceful with  themselves.
Look for happiness outside themselves.
Latch onto whoever or  whatever they think can provide happiness.
Feel terribly threatened by the  loss of any thing or person they think
proves their happiness.
Didn't feel  love and approval from their parents.
Don't love themselves.
Believe  other people can't or don't love them.
Desperately seek love and approval.
Often seek love from people incapable of loving.
Believe other people  are never there for them.
Equate love with pain.
Feel they need people  more than they want them.
Try to prove they're good enough to be loved.
Don't take time to see if other people are good for them.
Worry whether  other people love or like them.
Don't take time to figure out if they love  or like other people.
Center their lives around other people.
Look for  relationships to provide all their good feelings.
Lost interest in their own  lives when they love.
Worry other people will leave them.
Don't believe  they can take care of themselves.
Stay in relationships that don't work.
Tolerate abuse to keep people loving them.
Feel trapped in  relationships.
Wonder if they will ever find love.


Poor  Communication

Codependents frequently:

Control.
Blame.
Threaten.
Coerce.
Beg.
Bribe.
Advise.
Don't say what they mean.
Don't mean  what they say.
Don't know what they mean.
Don't take themselves  seriously.
Think other people don't take the codependents seriously.
Take themselves too seriously.
Ask for what they want and need  indirectly - sighing, for example.
Find it difficult to get to the point.
Aren't sure what the point is.
Gauge their words carefully to achieve a  desired effect.
Try to say what they think will please people.
Try to  say what they think will provoke people.
Try to say what they hop will make  people do what they want them to do.
Eliminate the word NO from their  vocabulary.
Talk too much.
Talk about other people.
Avoid talking  about themselves, their problems, feelings, and thoughts.
Say everything is  their fault.
Say nothing is their fault.
Believe their opinions don't  matter.
Want to express their opinions until they know other people's  opinions.
Lie to protect and cover up for people they love.
Have a  difficult time asserting their rights.
Have a difficult time expressing  their emotions honestly, openly, and
appropriately.
Think most of what they  have to say is unimportant.
Begin to talk in Cynical, self-degrading, or  hostile ways.
Apologize for bothering people.
Weak  Boundaries


Codependents frequently:

Say they won't tolerate certain behaviors from  other people.
Gradually increase their tolerance until they can tolerate and  do things
they said they would never do.
Let others hurt them.
Keep  letting others hurt them.
Wonder why they hurt so badly.
Complain,  blame, and try to control while they continue to stand there.
Finally get  angry.
Become totally intolerant.
Lack of Trust

Codependents:

Don't trust themselves.
Don't trust their  feelings.
Don't trust their decisions.
Don't trust other people.
Try  to trust untrustworthy people.
Think God has abandoned them.
Lose faith  and trust in God.
Anger


Many Codependents:

Feel very scared, hurt, and angry.
Live  with people who are very scared, hurt, and angry.
Are afraid of their own  anger.
Are frightened of other people's anger.
Think people will go away  if anger enters the picture.
Feel controlled by other people's anger.
Repress their angry feelings.
Think other people make them feel angry.
Are afraid to make other people feel anger.
Cry a lot, get depressed,  overact, get sick, do mean and nasty things to get
even, act hostile, or have  violent temper outbursts.
Punish other people for making the codependents  angry.
Have been shamed for feeling angry.
Place guilt and shame on  themselves for feeling angry.
Feel increasing amounts of anger, resentment,  and bitterness.
Feel safer with their anger than hurt feelings.
Wonder  if they'll ever not be angry.
Sex Problems


Some codependents:

Are caretakers in the bedroom.
Have sex  when they don't want to.
Have sex when they'd rather be held, nurtured, and  loved.
Try to have sex when they're angry or hurt.
Refuse to enjoy sex  because they're so angry at their partner.
Are afraid of losing control.
Have a difficult time asking for what they need in bed.
Withdraw  emotionally from their partner.
Feel sexual revulsion toward their partner.
Don't talk about it.
Force themselves to have sex, anyway.
Reduce  sex to a technical act.
Wonder why they don't enjoy sex.
Lose interest  in sex.
Make up reasons to abstain.
Wish their sex partner would die, go  away, or sense the codependent's
feelings.
Have strong sexual fantasies  about other people.
Consider or have an extramarital affair.
Miscellaneous


Codependents tend to:

Be extremely responsible.
Be extremely  irresponsible.
Become martyrs, sacrificing their happiness and that of  others for causes
that don't require sacrifice.
Find it difficult to feel  close to people.
Find it difficult to have fun and be spontaneous.
Have  an overall passive response to codependency - crying, hurt,
helplessness.
Have an overall aggressive response to codependency - violence, anger,
dominance.
Combine passive and aggressive responses.
Vacillate in  decisions and emotions.
Laugh when they feel like crying.
Stay loyal to  their compulsions and people even when it hurts.
Be ashamed about family,  personal, or relationship problems.
Be confused about the nature of the  problem.
Cover up, lie, and protect the problem.
Not seek help because  they tell themselves the problem isn't bad enough, or
they aren't important  enough.
Wonder why the problem doesn't go away.
Progressive


In the later stages of codependency,  codependents may:

Feel lethargic.
Feel depressed.
Become  withdrawn and isolated.
Experience a complete loss of daily routine and  structure.
Abuse or neglect their children and other responsibilities.
Feel hopeless.
Begin to plan their escape from a relationship they feel  trapped in.
Think about suicide.
Become violent.
Become seriously  emotionally, mentally, or physically ill.
Experience an eating disorder  (over - or under eating).
Become addicted to alcohol or other drugs.






HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Be who you  are and say what you feel,
because those who mind don't matter,
and those  who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo!  Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]