Tell Me More About Control

http://www.drirene.com/tellme.htm


The distance between insanity and genius is measured only by success.


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Controlling Behavior-Relationships

http://www.web-street.com/thingsarelookinup/Boundaries/Controlling.shtml



The distance between insanity and genius is measured only by success.


AZDoc:
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End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
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Controlling Patterns


Interpersonal Behavior

Tries to control others directly, bullying, dominating.

Competitive. Tries to win at all costs in a conflict or debate. Adversarial.

Doesn’t recognize the importance of other people’s needs, feelings,
perceptions, etc.

Thinks she knows the way things are.

Demanding, expects to get her way.


Motivation

1. Tries to control others in order to protect herself from being controlled
or harmed.

2. Tries to get love, acknowledgement, caring, or acceptance that she didn’t
get as a child without having to be vulnerable in the process or risking
rejection.

3. Control in service of pride. Gaining power can be a way of defending
against underlying feelings of deficiency.

4. Tries to control her environment as a way of controlling her inner life.
Fear of internal chaos and fragmentation.

5. Control as aspect of entitlement. Other people are extensions of self so
it is natural to control them.

6. Controlling the definition of reality in order to defend against self
doubt coming from deceptive parent.


Core Issues and Origins

1. Harm issues, especially domination.

2. Deficiency issues.

3. Chaotic family history, severe neglect or harm issues.

4. Internalized controlling parent .


Statement

I’m in charge. I know how to get things done. Let’s do it my way.


Underlying Thought

If I control others, then I won’t be harmed and I can get what I need.


Distortions of Perception

Denial.

Sees self as assertive.

Tends to see others as controlling or dangerous.

Tends to see situations as chaotic.

Sees people who are assertive as controlling or defiant.

Sees people who are compliant as healthy.


Dimensions Involved

Power.

Healthy Capacities Blocked.

Cooperation, vulnerability .


Activating Conditions

A situation that is threatening to the person, especially one that represents
the type of harm the pattern is designed to guard against.

Situations where the person is being judged or under someone else’s
authority.

People who tend to be angry, intrusive, controlling, judgmental, ridiculing.

People who might have hidden anger.

Situations that bring up needs (see needy pattern).

Chaotic situations.


Distinctions

An entitled person often is controlling, but this is often done in a more
subtle way because others are just seen as an extension of the person. Direct
controlling can be done when there are clear boundaries between people. The
entitled person just expects to get her way, while the controlling person may
expect to have to work at being in control.

The indirect pattern can attempt to control people, but not in the direct way
of the controlling pattern.

The defiant pattern is also an attempt to prevent harm, but it involves
rebellion rather than control.

Assertiveness is a healthy capacity that also involves exerting power, but
the assertive person doesn’t expect to get her way and is open to the needs of
others.


Related Patterns

Opposite: compliant.

Healthy goal: cooperative.

Some compliant people become controlling temporarily as they grow.


Dynamics with Other Patterns and Capacities

A controlling person will be attracted to people who are compliant or
passive-aggressive. After a while they will become resentful of the controlling
person, especially passive-aggressive people will. After a while, the
controlling
person may become unhappy that the compliant or passive-aggressive has no self.
The controlling person may want someone who is stronger even if they can’t
tolerate it.

A passive-aggressive person can drive a controlling person crazy and generate
great resentment.

A controlling person will have conflict with people who are defiant,
controlling, or passive-aggressive. They will get into power struggles.


How to Relate to Controlling People

Circumventing and Disconfirming: Be cooperative. Don’t be judgmental, angry,
controlling, defiant.

Protection: Be assertive.

Using Their Strength: Put in charge of project with compliant people.

Healing response to a controlling person being cooperative: Be cooperative.
Make sure they have a positive experience in letting go of their need to
control.


How to Experiment with Healthy Behavior and Attitude

Ask directly for your needs to be met without demand, allowing vulnerability
and the possibility of not getting what you want.

Share power with others, including authority figures.

Take the risk to allow others to have significant influence on what happens.

Trust another person to be in charge and help you.

Trust that if you let go of control, the situation will not become chaotic.


Healing

Choose people who will not threaten you when you soften your need for
control.

Choose people who don’t need you to be in charge.

Choose people who are competent, so things don’t get out of control if you
let down.

Choose people who will support your letting go of control.


VARIATIONS

Fear of Chaos

Afraid that if person doesn’t take charge there will be chaos in the
situation or inner chaos. Underlying core issue is fear of fragmentation. Can
come
from a chaotic home situation or a lack of being taken care of and supported.

Demanding.

Tries to control others so they will give him what he wants without his
having to become vulnerable or risk rejection. Underlying core issue is
insecurity,
shame.


Combinations of Controlling Pattern with Other Patterns

Needy: Tries to control others in order to get them to nurture her.
Demanding.

Codependent: Tries to care for others in a controlling way, often because of
a fear of chaos.

Entitled: Others are controlled because they are seen as an extension of the
person and to prevent being exploited.

Defiant: The person is rebellious and controlling, both to prevent harm or
control.

Suspicious: The person becomes controlling when afraid of being betrayed.

Isolated: The person becomes controlling when she begins to be close to
another person.

Charming: Uses charisma and charm to control.

Victim: Controls through guilt.

Judgmental: Controls by judging what others do as wrong when it isn’t what
the controlling person wants, moralistic.



The distance between insanity and genius is measured only by success.


AZDoc:
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse








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Controlling Anger - Before It Controls You

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--

TOPICS:

What Is Anger?

Anger Management

Strategies To Keep Anger At Bay?

Do You Need Counseling?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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We all know what anger is, and we've all felt it: whether as a fleeting
annoyance or as full-fledged rage.

Anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. But when it
gets out of control and turns destructive, it can lead to problems—problems at
work, in your personal relationships, and in the overall quality of your life.
And it can make you feel as though you're at the mercy of an unpredictable and
powerful emotion. This brochure is meant to help you understand and control
anger.

What is Anger?

The Nature of Anger

Anger is "an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to
intense fury and rage," according to Charles Spielberger, PhD, a psychologist
who specializes in the study of anger. Like other emotions, it is accompanied
by physiological and biological changes; when you get angry, your heart rate
and blood pressure go up, as do the levels of your energy hormones,
adrenaline, and noradrenaline.

Anger can be caused by both external and internal events. You could be angry
at a specific person (Such as a coworker or supervisor) or event (a traffic
jam, a canceled flight), or your anger could be caused by worrying or brooding
about your personal problems. Memories of traumatic or enraging events can also
trigger angry feelings.

Expressing Anger

The instinctive, natural way to express anger is to respond aggressively.
Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often
aggressive, feelings and behaviors, which allow us to fight and to defend
ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is
necessary to
our survival.

On the other hand, we can't physically lash out at every person or object
that irritates or annoys us; laws, social norms, and common sense place limits
on
how far our anger can take us.

People use a variety of both conscious and unconscious processes to deal with
their angry feelings. The three main approaches are expressing, suppressing,
and calming. Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive—not aggressive—
manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how
to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting
others. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it means being
respectful of yourself and others.

Anger can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when
you hold in your anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something
positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into more
constructive behavior. The danger in this type of response is that if it isn't
allowed outward expression, your anger can turn inward—on yourself. Anger
turned
inward may cause hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression.

Unexpressed anger can create other problems. It can lead to pathological
expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behavior (getting back at
people
indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or
a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. People who are
constantly putting others down, criticizing everything, and making cynical
comments haven't learned how to constructively express their anger. Not
surprisingly,
they aren't likely to have many successful relationships.

Finally, you can calm down inside. This means not just controlling your
outward behavior, but also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to
lower your heart rate, calm yourself down, and let the feelings subside.

As Dr. Spielberger notes, "when none of these three techniques work, that's
when someone—or something—is going to get hurt."

Anger Management

The goal of anger management is to reduce both your emotional feelings and
the physiological arousal that anger causes. You can't get rid of, or avoid, the
things or the people that enrage you, nor can you change them, but you can
learn to control your reactions.

Are You Too Angry?

There are psychological tests that measure the intensity of angry feelings,
how prone to anger you are, and how well you handle it. But chances are good
that if you do have a problem with anger, you already know it. If you find
yourself acting in ways that seem out of control and frightening, you might need
help finding better ways to deal with this emotion.

Why Are Some People More Angry Than Others?

According to Jerry Deffenbacher, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in anger
management, some people really are more "hotheaded" than others are; they get
angry more easily and more intensely than the average person does. There are
also those who don't show their anger in loud spectacular ways but are
chronically irritable and grumpy. Easily angered people don't always curse and
throw
things; sometimes they withdraw socially, sulk, or get physically ill.

People who are easily angered generally have what some psychologists call a
low tolerance for frustration, meaning simply that they feel that they should
not have to be subjected to frustration, inconvenience, or annoyance. They
can't take things in stride, and they're particularly infuriated if the
situation
seems somehow unjust: for example, being corrected for a minor mistake.

What makes these people this way? A number of things. One cause may be
genetic or physiological: There is evidence that some children are born
irritable,
touchy, and easily angered, and that these signs are present from a very early
age. Another may be sociocultural. Anger is often regarded as negative; we're
taught that it's all right to express anxiety, depression, or other emotions
but not to express anger. As a result, we don't learn how to handle it or
channel it constructively.

Research has also found that family background plays a role. Typically,
people who are easily angered come from families that are disruptive, chaotic,
and
not skilled at emotional communications.

Is It Good To "Let it All Hang Out?"

Psychologists now say that this is a dangerous myth. Some people use this
theory as a license to hurt others. Research has found that "letting it rip"
with
anger actually escalates anger and aggression and does nothing to help you
(or the person you're angry with) resolve the situation.

It's best to find out what it is that triggers your anger, and then to
develop strategies to keep those triggers from tipping you over the edge.

Strategies To Keep Anger At Bay

Relaxation

Simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can
help calm down angry feelings. There are books and courses that can teach you
relaxation techniques, and once you learn the techniques, you can call upon them
in any situation. If you are involved in a relationship where both partners
are hot-tempered, it might be a good idea for both of you to learn these
techniques.

Some simple steps you can try:

Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest won't relax
you. Picture your breath coming up from your "gut."

Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as "relax," "take it easy." Repeat
it to yourself while breathing deeply.

Use imagery; visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your
imagination.

Nonstrenuous, slow yoga-like exercises can relax your muscles and make you
feel much calmer.
Practice these techniques daily. Learn to use them automatically when you're
in a tense situation.

Cognitive Restructuring

Simply put, this means changing the way you think. Angry people tend to
curse, swear, or speak in highly colorful terms that reflect their inner
thoughts.
When you're angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated and overly dramatic.
Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead
of telling yourself, "oh, it's awful, it's terrible, everything's ruined," tell
yourself, "it's frustrating, and it's understandable that I'm upset about it,
but it's not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it
anyhow."

Be careful of words like "never" or "always" when talking about yourself or
someone else. "This !&*%@ machine never works," or "you're always forgetting
things" are not just inaccurate, they also serve to make you feel that your
anger is justified and that there's no way to solve the problem. They also
alienate and humiliate people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on
a
solution.

Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it
won't make you feel better (and may actually make you feel worse).

Logic defeats anger, because anger, even when it's justified, can quickly
become irrational. So use cold hard logic on yourself. Remind yourself that the
world is "not out to get you," you're just experiencing some of the rough spots
of daily life. Do this each time you feel anger getting the best of you, and
it'll help you get a more balanced perspective. Angry people tend to demand
things: fairness, appreciation, agreement, willingness to do things their way.
Everyone wants these things, and we are all hurt and disappointed when we don't
get them, but angry people demand them, and when their demands aren't met,
their disappointment becomes anger. As part of their cognitive restructuring,
angry people need to become aware of their demanding nature and translate their
expectations into desires. In other words, saying, "I would like" something is
healthier than saying, "I demand" or "I must have" something. When you're
unable to get what you want, you will experience the normal reactions—
frustration, disappointment, hurt—but not anger. Some angry people use this
anger as a
way to avoid feeling hurt, but that doesn't mean the hurt goes away.

Problem Solving

Sometimes, our anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable
problems in our lives. Not all anger is misplaced, and often it's a healthy,
natural response to these difficulties. There is also a cultural belief that
every problem has a solution, and it adds to our frustration to find out that
this isn't always the case. The best attitude to bring to such a situation,
then, is not to focus on finding the solution, but rather on how you handle and
face the problem.

Make a plan, and check your progress along the way. Resolve to give it your
best, but also not to punish yourself if an answer doesn't come right away. If
you can approach it with your best intentions and efforts and make a serious
attempt to face it head-on, you will be less likely to lose patience and fall
into all-or-nothing thinking, even if the problem does not get solved right
away.

Better Communication

Angry people tend to jump to—and act on—conclusions, and some of those
conclusions can be very inaccurate. The first thing to do if you're in a heated
discussion is slow down and think through your responses. Don't say the first
thing that comes into your head, but slow down and think carefully about what
you
want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is
saying and take your time before answering.

Listen, too, to what is underlying the anger. For instance, you like a
certain amount of freedom and personal space, and your "significant other" wants
more connection and closeness. If he or she starts complaining about your
activities, don't retaliate by painting your partner as a jailer, a warden, or
an
albatross around your neck.

It's natural to get defensive when you're criticized, but don't fight back.
Instead, listen to what's underlying the words: the message that this person
might feel neglected and unloved. It may take a lot of patient questioning on
your part, and it may require some breathing space, but don't let your
anger—or
a partner's—let a discussion spin out of control. Keeping your cool can keep
the situation from becoming a disastrous one.

Using Humor

"Silly humor" can help defuse rage in a number of ways. For one thing, it can
help you get a more balanced perspective. When you get angry and call someone
a name or refer to them in some imaginative phrase, stop and picture what
that word would literally look like. If you're at work and you think of a
coworker as a "dirtbag" or a "single-cell life form," for example, picture a
large
bag full of dirt (or an amoeba) sitting at your colleague's desk, talking on the
phone, going to meetings. Do this whenever a name comes into your head about
another person. If you can, draw a picture of what the actual thing might look
like. This will take a lot of the edge off your fury; and humor can always be
relied on to help unknot a tense situation.

The underlying message of highly angry people, Dr. Deffenbacher says, is
"things oughta go my way!" Angry people tend to feel that they are morally
right,
that any blocking or changing of their plans is an unbearable indignity and
that they should NOT have to suffer this way. Maybe other people do, but not
them!

When you feel that urge, he suggests, picture yourself as a god or goddess, a
supreme ruler, who owns the streets and stores and office space, striding
alone and having your way in all situations while others defer to you. The more
detail you can get into your imaginary scenes, the more chances you have to
realize that maybe you are being unreasonable; you'll also realize how
unimportant the things you're angry about really are. There are two cautions in
using
humor. First, don't try to just "laugh off" your problems; rather, use humor to
help yourself face them more constructively. Second, don't give in to harsh,
sarcastic humor; that's just another form of unhealthy anger expression.

What these techniques have in common is a refusal to take yourself too
seriously. Anger is a serious emotion, but it's often accompanied by ideas that,
if
examined, can make you laugh.

Changing Your Environment

Sometimes it's our immediate surroundings that give us cause for irritation
and fury. Problems and responsibilities can weigh on you and make you feel
angry at the "trap" you seem to have fallen into and all the people and things
that form that trap.

Give yourself a break. Make sure you have some "personal time" scheduled for
times of the day that you know are particularly stressful. One example is the
working mother who has a standing rule that when she comes home from work, for
the first 15 minutes "nobody talks to Mom unless the house is on fire." After
this brief quiet time, she feels better prepared to handle demands from her
kids without blowing up at them.

Some Other Tips for Easing Up on Yourself

Timing: If you and your spouse tend to fight when you discuss things at night—
perhaps you're tired, or distracted, or maybe it's just habit—try changing
the times when you talk about important matters so these talks don't turn into
arguments.

Avoidance: If your child's chaotic room makes you furious every time you walk
by it, shut the door. Don't make yourself look at what infuriates you. Don't
say, "well, my child should clean up the room so I won't have to be angry!"
That's not the point. The point is to keep yourself calm.

Finding alternatives: If your daily commute through traffic leaves you in a
state of rage and frustration, give yourself a project—learn or map out a
different route, one that's less congested or more scenic. Or find another
alternative, such as a bus or commuter train.

Do You Need Counseling?

If you feel that your anger is really out of control, if it is having an
impact on your relationships and on important parts of your life, you might
consider counseling to learn how to handle it better. A psychologist or other
licensed mental health professional can work with you in developing a range of
techniques for changing your thinking and your behavior.

When you talk to a prospective therapist, tell her or him that you have
problems with anger that you want to work on, and ask about his or her approach
to
anger management. Make sure this isn't only a course of action designed to
"put you in touch with your feelings and express them"—that may be precisely
what
your problem is. With counseling, psychologists say, a highly angry person
can move closer to a middle range of anger in about 8 to 10 weeks, depending on
the circumstances and the techniques used.

What About Assertiveness Training?

It's true that angry people need to learn to become assertive (rather than
aggressive), but most books and courses on developing assertiveness are aimed at
people who don't feel enough anger. These people are more passive and
acquiescent than the average person; they tend to let others walk all over them.
That
isn't something that most angry people do. Still, these books can contain
some useful tactics to use in frustrating situations.

Remember, you can't eliminate anger—and it wouldn't be a good idea if you
could. In spite of all your efforts, things will happen that will cause you
anger; and sometimes it will be justifiable anger. Life will be filled with
frustration, pain, loss, and the unpredictable actions of others. You can't
change
that; but you can change the way you let such events affect you. Controlling
your angry responses can keep them from making you even more unhappy in the long
run.


The distance between insanity and genius is measured only by success.


AZDoc:
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse








[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

The Controlling Caregiver

Dear Dr. Irene

I read with great interest on your website today your description of the
classic controller abuser vs. caregiver victim.  What I would like to know is
what
insights into the make up of this person or advice you can give to help a
situation involving a person who is a combination of controller/caregiver. 

  By this I mean a person who is the angry, verbally abusive, controller who
is also and obsessive, over reaching caregiver. This type of controller sets a
standard of care giving that the victim cannot match and then becomes angry
and abusive at the inevitable disappointment. The verbal abuse and the lack of
empathy for the victim, even though they may receive a lot of care giving,
reinforces the lack of appreciation the victim has for the caregiver/controller
since the victim does not want the care at the terrible price that must be paid
for it.  (DR Irene: Yes.)

This leads to even more disappointment and anger until the
caregiver/controller lashes out with even more verbal abuse creating a viscous
circle of
trouble.  The control is often exerted by making the victim feel guilty and
inevitably angry at themselves for all the intentions they cannot live up to.  

Of course the angry person also displays other traits of abuse like not
accepting that they make mistakes like everyone else, constant criticism, not
accepting anyone ideas but their own, etc., etc. but the controlling caregiver
is
one of the biggest.  Signed, Confused Victim    (DR Irene: Good observations!)


DR Irene: The Controlling Caregiver

Did you know that most controllers are also caretakers?

Most controllers are among the most giving, care taking people you'll ever
meet. After all, these people are just another variety of codependent. That's
why once upon a time you thought you met the perfect person. That's why just
about everybody (else) thinks your controlling partner is so wonderful... The
shirt off his or her back? No problem! Here, take it! (Never mind that that
shirt
belongs to -. you...)

Exquisitely tuned into what other people are thinking of him or her, this
controller has many traits of the classic codependent: they can be very empathic
and sense their partner's needs.

These individuals really try hard. They use their very best judgment to
figure out what is best for you. They will do things they are not asked to do;
things you may not even want them to do. They want to please you to show you how
much they care. 

The problem is, it's really hard to reciprocate. No matter how hard you try,
too often your efforts somehow miss the mark. And, you're likely to hear about
it!

Why The Partner Can't Get It Right

Sometimes your efforts fall short because your controller is expert at going
overboard. More often, your efforts fall short only because the recipient
didn't think your actions up.

Oppositional and controlling tendencies keep them from being able to accept
and appreciate whatever it is that is given. Not that there is anything wrong
with what was offered, but it was not planned and executed by your controller.

While the partner may be free enough to gratefully accept what is given, the
controller is often too constricted to do this. This person implicitly
pre-plans what they want, and how they want it. Any deviation from their
implicit
expectation is viewed as a disappointment.

Often, there is an implicit, irrational presumption that you failed because
you did not care enough - when they cared enough to get it right for you! 

Wrong! Especially early on, before the giver gets sick and tired of being
criticized in what they give, there is less of a difference in how much love and
attention went into the gift, than there is a difference in the recipient's
ability to accept the gift!

The controlling person is not trying to be difficult. When they're not angry,
they don't mean to diminish you. They simply have a difficult time with
surprises. There is an agenda for every minutia you can think of - including
what
is expected from the partner. The partner, on the other hand, with less of an
agenda, is able to appreciate the gift - not because it is "better," but
because there is less of a need to design it - and more of an ability to accept
the
unknown.

Another contributing factor: the controller thinks they know best. Their
judgment is infallible; they know what's best for themselves; they know what's
best for you. If your opinion differs, you are wrong.

Add to this the typical controller's insecurity, and, bingo; the controlling
person is likely to attribute the disparity (i.e., you are pleased with their
gifts; they are not pleased with your gifts) to mean that you don't love them
enough to work hard to please them, as they work to please you.

This is clearly an irrational interpretation of events, but, not checking out
the faulty basis of their premise, they experience a big Ouchhh! Once again,
their unlovability has been confirmed... And they are likely to get mad...

The Adult-Kid

Your basic controller is two-in-one, hence the Jekyll and Hyde components.
The higher self is the adult partner. This is the part of the individual that
wants to be a partner, who is reasonable and rational, etc., etc. The kid self
is the side that breaks your heart. This is the needy, demanding,
out-of-control and needy child who takes themselves out of partner role every
time some
present day "slight" kicks up some very real pain that occurred in childhood.

In a split second, they find themselves in a hurtful pity pot; their only
solace is licking their wounds. Maybe you'll notice how much you hurt them...
They really, really don't want to go there. But, they know no better. This place
is the only sanctuary they could run to when they were hurt in childhood. All
they know to do is push away the unloving parent who hurt them...

Tips for the Partner

You can't fix this. You can explain your good intentions all you want; your
partner is unlikely to get it. Your partner can fix this. Maybe you can send
them this URL. The controlling person you love needs to feel a little safer in
the world, so they can stop working so hard at controlling it. Hear that
controlling person?

The victim's job is to set clear, firm limits on what behavior is acceptable.
Whether or not your partner's goal is to hurt you, you get hurt. Therefore,
you need to set limits to protect yourself.

Victims need to be careful not to give up their power. Never forget that no
one else can give it away - but you!

http://drirene.com


The distance between insanity and genius is measured only by success.


AZDoc:
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse








[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Controlling Behavior and Other Symptoms of Codependency

Controlling Behavior: Codependents try to control events and people through
helplessness, guilt, coercion, threats, advice-giving, manipulation, or
domination. They are afraid to let people be who they are or let events happen
naturally. They've lived in so many situations in which they had no control
(abuse,
alcoholism, etc.) that they now try to control everything and get frustrated
and angry when they cannot. They end up feeling controlled by events. They feel
controlled by others. They resist change as if change were a contagion.


Sexual Problems: Codependents go through cycles in the bedroom. They are
caretakers there too. They have sex when they don't want to or withdraw sex to
punish their partner. They try to have sex when they are hurt or angry, and
refuse to enjoy it. They withdraw emotionally from their partner, feel revulsion
toward their partner, and don't want to talk about it. They reduce sex to a
technical act, wonder why they don't enjoy it; lose interest; make up reasons to
abstain, wish their partner would die, go away, or guess what is wrong with
them; they have strong sexual fantasies about others and consider having
affairs.


Low Self Worth: Codependents tend to come from troubled, dysfunctional
families, and some will deny this to the very end. They blame themselves for
their
family's shortcomings. They blame themselves for everything. They pick on
themselves constantly: not intelligent enough, not pretty enough, not smart
enough,
not athletic enough, not good enough. But if another criticizes them, boy do
they get defensive and angry, not to mention self-righteous.

Don't try to give a codependent a compliment; they reject all compliments and
praise, even though they get depressed from lack of compliments and praise.
They feel "different" from the rest of the world. They reject themselves, but
fear rejection. Everything is taken personally, they love being the victim
(though will deny it with their last breath).

They have been victims of sexual, physical, or emotional abuse, abandonment,
neglect, and/or alcoholism. They feel like victims, carry lots of guilt and
shame, and think their lives are not worth living. They should have done this,
should have done that. They "should" themselves to death. Codependents say,
"Why me?" on the outside, and know "why me" on the inside. While trying to prove
to others that they are good enough, to themselves they are worthless and
empty.


Lack of Trust/Misplaced Trust: Codependents do not trust themselves, their
feelings, their decisions, other people, or even God. And then, right out of the
blue, they'll trust someone who is totally untrustworthy.


Dependency: Codependents do not feel happy or content with themselves. They
look to others to supply them their happiness or their needs. They are
threatened by the loss of anything or any person that provides them with their
happiness.

They do NOT love themselves. They did not feel loved by their parents. They
equate love with pain and believe others are never, ever there for them. They
need people more than they want them; their lives revolve around someone else's
life; they tolerate abuse; feel trapped; leave one bad relationship and jump
into another bad relationship. They wonder if they will ever find true love.
And if they do find true love, they will leave that and find a loveless
relationship because deep inside (often beneath consciousness) they feel
unworthy of
love.


Repression: Most codependents repress their own needs, their own desires.
They are afraid to let themselves be who they are and often appear rigid and
controlled. They repress all thoughts of self worth out of their awareness and
they are full of guilt. Codependents cannot have fun.


Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: Codependents worry. They worry about the
slightest and silliest things: they worry that people are talking about them;
they
worry that people are not talking about them; they lose sleep over little
things; they check up on others; they try to catch people in the act; they never
find any answers, they focus on other's problems; they spend money
compulsively; eat or drink compulsively; and wonder why they have no energy and
why they
never get anything done.


Poor Boundaries: Codependents say they won't tolerate something from anyone,
and then engage themselves in exactly that. Then they gradually increase their
tolerance levels till they can tolerate most anything others do to them.

They allow others to hurt them, over and over and over again. They stay in
bad relationships for all the wrong reasons: to fix the other; for the kids
(like kids need to grow up in a loveless relationship); because things will get
better; and worst of all: because they feel they deserve to live in hell.

They complain and blame but far too many never get away from their abuser.
Then they finally get angry and become totally intolerant and the cycle begins
all over again.


Poor Communication Skills: Codependents blame, threaten, coerce, beg, bribe,
and advise others. They don't mean what they say and don't say what they mean.
They don't take themselves seriously and expect others to do the same. They
avoid getting to the point, asking indirectly for attention by sighing, crying,
or moping around. They say everything is their fault. They say nothing is
their fault. They can't get to the point, and if pressed, they're not sure what
the point really is. They believe their opinions do not matter and have
difficulties asserting their rights or expressing honest emotions, openly and
appropriately. They apologize for bothering people.


Denial: Codependents avoid their own issues, often claiming they don't have
any, but everyone else around them does. They ignore problems or pretend they
do not exist. They pretend things are not as bad as they are; they tell
themselves it will get better; they stay busy to avoid thinking about things;
they
get confused, sick, depressed and visit doctors for a prescription. Many are
workaholics. They lie to themselves and others. They believe their lies.

And most of all, codependents will leave a healthy situation (by lying to
themselves that it was an unhealthy situation) and get back into an unhealthy
situation; though for the most part, most codependents either never leave an
unhealthy situation/relationship, or they go from one unhealthy
situation/relationship to another.


Caretaking: the Codependent individual feels responsible for other people.
S/He feels anxious and even guilty when another has a problem. S/He feels
compelled to help that person solve their problem. S/He anticipates the other's
needs and feels angry when his help is not effective or rebuffed.

At the same time, the Codependent feels slighted that others won't help
her/him out when s/he needs help. However, this same individual who is
constantly
doing way too much for others, and not getting "any" help from anyone, will
usually answer when asked what is wrong or what do you need, responds, "Oh,
nothing." The Codependent minimizes his/her own worth. The Codependent is
his/her
own worst enemy.

The Codependent is over committed, harried, pressured, feels safe when
giving, but insecure when someone gives to him/her, goes out of her/his way to
help
others, and believes deep inside that other people are responsible for the way
they are and will blame others for the "spot" they are in. Others make them
feel the way they feel, they are victimized, angry, unappreciated, and used.
Others are driving them crazy.

For well over four years we have advertised at this site for someone willing
to help write an article on codependency. We got around a dozen responses, but
that was it: just an initial response and then nothing.

Symptoms of Codependency include overextending oneself and difficulty in
following a project through. So, it soon became apparent that while we were
going
to get responses, we weren't really going to find anyone to help write this.
We would have to do it alone.

So, here goes:

Codependency is a terrible term. It has endless connotations that have
nothing to do with the disorder. Codependency itself is such a broad dysfunction
that it is extremely hard to define in concise terms. However, one therapist and
friend summed up the condition thus: "I only wanted to be loved." Another
simple definition that works is, "Codependency is a dysfunctional relationship
with the self."

Codependents can be extremely responsible or irresponsible, they become
martyrs, sacrificing their own happiness. They find it difficult to be happy,
feel
close to others, or have fun and be spontaneous. They are passive aggressive,
feeling passive, hurt, helpless yet violent and angry. They laugh when they
want to cry. They are ashamed of their families, of their relationships. They
cover up, lie, and protect their family from their problems. They don't seek
help because they don't feel the problem is all that bad. And then they wonder
why the problems never go away.


From Bad to Worse

Progressively, if the codependent does not get help, the symptoms above just
get worse. The codependent becomes lethargic and depressed and eventually
withdraw and isolate themselves. Their daily routine falls by the wayside. They
abuse or neglect the people who depend on them, mostly, their children. They
feel utterly hopeless and initiate plans to escape. They contemplate suicide.
They become violent, or seriously mentally or physically ill. They develop an
eating (drinking or drug) disorder.


Summary:

Not all codependents have all of the above symptoms. If you have just 20% of
the above symptoms, you can consider yourself a codependent. If you have 5 to
10% of the above symptoms, you are normal. Normal people are, at times,
codependent. Even normal people can use a bit of therapy, a bit of healing.

We are all, in many ways, self-destructive. None of us came from the Cleaver
Family, Father does not know best, and our mothers were never as perfect as
Donna Reed.

The worst thing about being codependent is that the codependent wastes
her/his life. The next worst thing about being codependent is we pass it on to
our
children, and in them, our symptoms are hugely magnified.


Origins:

The one question is how did we get this way?

Prolonged exposure to oppression is the key here. As Earnie Larson states in
his books and lectures (I'm paraphrasing here): "What we live with we learn;
what we learn we practice; what we practice becomes habit; our habits have
consequences."

All of these behaviors are "learned." They can be unlearned.

Everything boils down to this: we have little self worth; our happiness is
found outside of ourselves.

However, Earnie Larson has one more wonderful phrase that really sums up the
codependent's situation or dilemma: "If nothing changes, nothing changes."

We, the codependent, must DO something to initiate healing. It won't come
from outside. It just doesn't happen. If nothing changes, nothing changes.


Healing Codependency:

Most people do not heal their codependency on their own. Let us face it, with
all these symptoms flaring up, especially the denial, who could possibly see
a way out?

Most codependents are slapped upside the head by a friend: "Hey, you need
help!"

We do need help. We need the experience of others who have broken the cycles.
We need a good therapist to help us see the light. We need friends who are
open and honest with us. We need to sit and read a bit about ourselves, our
problems, and the way out. Most of all, we need to know that we can be healed.
This is NOT a permanent situation. But each person has to recognize the problem,
admit to it, and then find the tools to help end it.

The first and most important thing for a codependent to learn is that
Happiness is inside of us, not something outside. A good relationship is good,
not
because of the person we love, but because of the person we are. One person does
not a relationship make.

Healing codependency is often referred to as "shifting our relationship with
ourselves." Codependents must learn to accept their powerlessness over people
and events. Recovery for a codependent is like recovery from alcohol or drug
addiction and the same 12-step model is oftentimes employed: Let Go. Let God.

The codependent must sometimes "fire" the people in their lives. If they are
not willing to work through their issues, then we have to "fire" them and move
on ourselves. But we must keep in mind that this is about us, not them.
Recovery means learning to take responsibility for our own actions, issues,
feelings, behaviors, and our lives.

Recovery is not easy. Letting go of the need to control people, places,
events is not easy. It is highly recommended to find a Codependent Anonymous
(CoDA)
group and attend regularly. Meetings, therapy, talking to fellow
codependents, and reading and just plain being aware of our feelings and
thoughts will
ultimately set us free from our self-defeating patterns; from our fear and
shame.
Letting go of caretaking and all the energy expended in that full-time effort
frees up our energies to more constructive things. Below are links to more
information, a place to locate a CoDA meeting, and further reading.

But finally know this: Your author has been through his own bouts with
codependency. Hardly any of us are untouched by this. Healing is not only
possible,
it is wonderfully exhilarating. Once we step out of our destructive patterns,
anything is possible. In a letter to a friend once, I wrote the following that
I want to share with you.

Old problems are much more comfortable than new solutions. But always keep in
mind, that life begins on the edge of your comfort zone.

Trust and listen to your intuition. If you listen to your mind, you will hear
only the same old crap it's been spewing for years. Unless you heal your
past, your life, and recover from the abuse (self-inflicted and other-inflicted)
your mind will not be your friend. Listen to your heart. Go with the flow.

According to A Course in Miracles, we come from either a place of fear or a
place of love. From a place of love, we can do no wrong. From a place of fear,
every action is a mistake. Fill your heart with love and you will surpass even
your highest expectations.

2003 Wellness Directory of Minnesota



The distance between insanity and genius is measured only by success.


AZDoc:
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse








[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Self-Control is Not Only For the Abuser
By Dr. Irene

http://drirene.com

Blaming is a big issue these days. Particularly in our litigious society,
"somebody" is always to blame. That somebody "made" you do something is common
usage, and it underlies the way most of us think and act. But we don’t have
to.
Unless we are litigating attorneys, blaming makes little sense.

Have you met Kristin and Pete yet? If you haven't, you don't need to go there
now (unless you want to). The long and short of it: Kristin is a young lady
who loves Pete. Both are recovering addicts. Both are codependent. Both are
angry. Pete is angrier and is into control.

He is great at provoking Kristin. She doesn't notice the provocation. But she
does get angry. Very angry. So angry, in fact, that she acts out. She can be
really, really rotten towards Pete: loud, nasty, accusing, etc., etc., and she
can stay that way for days, even when he is trying his very best.

Too bad she reacts to his provocation. She just makes things worse and gives
Pete the opportunity to look good - since she looks so bad. Kristin cannot
control Pete, but she has options regarding her own behavior. She can blame him
for making her...

  Yell and scream at him.
  Cry and feel sorry for herself over her predicament.
  Defend and explain herself, which will do little but put her in a "one down"
position.
  Waste her time and energy complaining to anybody who will listen about how
mean and rotten Pete is.
  Avoid him and be icy cold.
  She can get a migraine and lie in bed.
  Etc., etc., etc.

Or, she could realize that though she has no power over him, she can control
herself:  She can calmly acknowledge Pete's feelings, whatever they are, own
her own behavior, and make whatever request or demand she wants to make. For
example, she could say, "I understand you are very angry with me, and given my
recent behavior, I can't blame you. But I need you to stop doing (whatever)
because it is hurting me. Let me know when you are ready to talk."

To do this, Kristin has to put the lid on her own impulsivity and turn on her
self-awareness cap. Then she has to articulate her request. Good assertion
skills are not inborn. They are learned, and Kristin, like most people, has yet
to cultivate them. This is a lot of work, but well worth it.  Notice that much
time and energy will be spent figuring out what to say, and how to say it.
She is more likely to get Pete's cooperation if she does than she is if she
engages in the "easier" acting-out stuff mentioned earlier.

While Kristin is the codependent victim in her relationship with Pete, she is
not off the hook with self-control. The codependent needs to cultivate
self-control skills every bit as much as the abuser. She needs to control her
tendency to act out in response to Pete's provocation. Reacting is the easy way
out.
It feels temporarily "good." There is a sense of relief and vindication. But
it doesn't work. Where is the relief when all that has been accomplished is an
exacerbation of the situation?

Taking control is hard work. First, Kristin has to recognize that she is
acting out. Then she has to stop it and sit still long enough to chill out. Once
she is calm, she needs to systematically examine the specifics of what is
bothering her. Then, she needs to figure out what to say, how to say it, and
when
to say it. This is not easy! Especially when you are not used to doing it.
Think of it as learning a foreign language, and be prepared to spend as much
energy learning assertion as you would learning Swahili.

Each time you blame somebody for your behavior, you give away your personal
power.


FAQs

Looks easier said than done. True. But, with practice and persistence,
self-control skills are very do-able.

What gives the Pete the right to provoke Kristin? The issue is not whether
Pete has a right to provoke. The issue is that he does it. This is clearly not
OK. If Pete could help it, he would not do it. The question is how can Kristin
best deal with the problem she has in her relationship with the man she loves.

Why should Kristin put up with the provocation? She shouldn’t. Kind of hard
to walk out though when you love the guy and you are working on working it out.

It’s not fair that Kristin has to put up with Pete's verbal abuse. No, it is
not fair. Life is not fair. Life is what you make it.

Golden Rule: Spend 5% of the time moaning and groaning over how
awful/unfair/whatever your problem is and the other 95% figuring out how you are
going to
deal with it.

Wouldn't it be easier if she just left him? Easier? Sure. But there are some
mitigating factors:  If Kristin doesn't get her act together with Pete, she
will carry her lack of control with her everywhere she goes. She needs to get a
handle on herself for her own benefit!

Also, Pete, though angry and controlling, is working hard at fixing it. And
doing pretty well even though he still falls into his usual traps a lot.
Besides, she loves him.

Moral of the story: Its not only the angry controller who needs self-control
skills. The codependent needs them just as much. It is about taking your
power.



The distance between insanity and genius is measured only by success.


AZDoc:
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse








[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Inner Child Healing

http://joy2meu.com/Innerchildhealing.html


The distance between insanity and genius is measured only by success.


AZDoc:
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse








[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Freedom from Emotional and Verbal Abuse

http://www.kporterfield.com/voices/index.html


The distance between insanity and genius is measured only by success.


AZDoc:
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse








[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Emotional Abuse is Heart and Soul Mutilation

http://www.joy2meu.com/emotional_abuse.html


The distance between insanity and genius is measured only by success.


AZDoc:
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse








[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Emotional Release Techniques - Deep Grieving
by Robert Burney

"We need to own and release the anger and rage at our parents, our teachers
or ministers or other authority figures, including the concept of God that was
forced on us while we were growing up. We do not necessarily need to vent that
anger directly to them but we need to release the energy. We need to let that
child inside of us scream, "I hate you, I hate you," while we beat on pillows
or some such thing, because that is how a child expresses anger."

"It is necessary to own and honor the child who we were in order to Love the
person we are.  And the only way to do that is to own that child's
experiences, honor that child's feelings, and release the emotional grief energy
that we
are still carrying around."

"We cannot learn to Love without honoring our Rage!

We cannot allow ourselves to be Truly Intimate with ourselves or anyone else
without owning our Grief.

We cannot clearly reconnect with the Light unless we are willing to own and
honor our experience of the Darkness.

We cannot fully feel the Joy unless we are willing to feel the Sadness.

We need to do our emotional healing, to heal our wounded souls, in order to
reconnect with our Souls on the highest vibrational levels.  In order to
reconnect with the God-Force that is Love and Light, Joy and Truth."

In order to stop reacting to life out of the old wounds and old tapes from
our childhood - to become empowered to live life as a mature adult - it is
necessary to do the inner child healing work.  And in order to do the inner
child
work we need to be willing to do the grief work.  Grief is energy that needs to
be released. Emotions are energy and that energy needs to be released through
crying and raging.  In order to own our self, it is vitally important to feel
our pain, sadness, and rage.   If we don't have permission from ourselves to
feel the "negative" feelings then we also cannot feel the Joy, Love, and
happiness.

We need to own and honor the feelings in order to start forgiving ourselves
and start learning how to Love our self.  It is very important to own our
feelings about what happened to us.   It is extremely important to own our right
to
be angry that our needs were not met.

Part of grief work is simply owning/feeling the sadness and the anger.  We
need to feel the grief about what happened to us as children and then we also
need to own the grief over what effect it has had on us as an adult.  Grieving
is a very different experience from being depressed.  While we are grieving we
can still appreciate a beautiful sunset or be happy to see a  friend or be
grateful to be sad. Depression is being in a dark tunnel where there are no
beautiful sunsets.

The deep grieving work is energy work. Once we can get out of our heads and
start paying attention to what is happening in our body then we can start
releasing the emotional energy. When we get to a place where the emotions are
coming up - when the voice starts breaking - the first thing I have to tell
people
is to keep breathing. We automatically stop breathing and close our throats
when the feelings get close to the surface.

At the point where the voice starts breaking and the eyes start tearing, the
technique is to locate where the energy is concentrated in the body.  It can
be any place from head to feet - much of the time it is in our back because
that is where we carry stuff we don't want to look at, or in the area of the
solar plexus (anger or fear) or heart chakra (pain, broken heart) or chest
(sadness).  It can be very revealing what side of the body it is on (right -
masculine, left - feminine) or what chakra it is near.

I tell people to scan their bodies for tension or tightness and then to
breathe directly into the place we have identified.  Visualizes breathing white
light directly into that part of the body. That starts breaking up the energy
and
little balls of energy start getting released.  These balls of energy are the
sobs. This is a terrifying place to be for the ego because it feels out of
control - it is a wonderful place to be from a healing perspective.  Empowering
the healing is going with the flow - inhale the white Light, exhale the sobs.
  Sobs, tears, snot from the nose, are all forms of energy being released.
You can be in the witness watching yourself - owning and releasing the emotional
energy that has been trapped in your body - and control the process at the
same time you are in the pain.  (It is very important to own the feelings - i.e.
give our self permission to feel them.  If we are crying or angry and then
shame our self for those feelings we are abusing ourselves for our wound and
replacing the energy faster than we are releasing it.)

By controlling the process I am referring to choosing to align self with the
energy flow, surrendering to the flow, instead of shutting it down as the
terrified ego wants to do.  It is very hard to learn this process without a safe
place to do it, and someone who knows what they are doing to facilitate it.
Once you have learned how to do it then it is possible to facilitate your own
grief processing.

The anger work is also an energy flow process. The bat (tennis racket,
bataka, pillow, whatever) is lifted over the head as you inhale and then as you
hit
the pillow you expel the energy - in shout, a grunt, a "fuck you", a scream,
whatever words come to you.  Inhale, exhale - open your throat to say whatever
needs to be said.  Own your voice.  Own the child's voice.  Sometimes the
child in us will shout "I hate you, I hate you."  That doesn't mean we
necessarily
hate the person - it means we hate how their behavior hurt us.

It is vitally important for us to own our right to be angry about what
happened to us or about the ways we were deprived. If we do not own our right to
be
angry about what happened in childhood it greatly impairs our ability to set
boundaries as an adult.

Every time we go into the deep grieving place and release some of the energy
through crying and raging (sometimes we need to rage to get to the tears or
vise versa) we take a little power away from that particular wound.  The next
time we touch on that wound it won't be quite as emotional or terrifying.  (This
is relative of course, if we have been suppressing something for many years
it may take a number of sessions before we can actually feel that it has less
power.)

It is terrifying to face healing the emotional wounds. It takes great courage
and faith to do the grief work.   And it is what will change our relationship
with our self at it's core.  Working from the outside-in (i.e. learning how
to have boundaries, be assertive, etc.) it will take a very long time to change
our behavior in our most intimate relationships.  Working from the inside-out
by owning and healing our relationship with ourselves at a causal level - our
childhood - will result in us surprising ourselves because we will start to
naturally and normally own our right to speak up and have boundaries without
even having to think about it.

It is our pain.  It is our anger.  If we don't own it, then we are not owning
our self.


The distance between insanity and genius is measured only by success.


AZDoc:
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse








[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Releasing Emotional Abuse
              
Abuse comes in many forms: verbal, physical, mental, sexual, and of course
emotional, which underlies all other types of abuse.

Those who abuse have not come to terms with their own past emotional issues.
Whether it's insecurities they haven't dealt with or the need to maintain
complete control of their world, they will rob you of your freedoms in order to
feel better about themselves. They will attempt to achieve power by lowering
your self-worth because they're threatened by you, or because they don't
understand or respect you. Abusers are weak and have personal limitations they
have
yet not learned to overcome. The less they feel in control the more abusive they
get, as they fall into their own limited emotional states which are usually
outside their conscious awareness.

This is important to know because, while you are the one who is made to feel
inadequate, the abuse you receive seldom has anything to do with you.
Unfortunately, we often carry the scars long after the abuse ended.

Ways people abuse you

Tell lies and half-truths to avoid having to justify actions or ideas
Accuse and blame to divert attention away from them selves
Refuse to take another's point of view and irrationally defend their point of
view
With hold information so the abused will look bad later on ("you should have
known that"). Not sharing information someone is entitled to
Not acknowledging another's feeling
Slighting or taking digs in a non-aggressive or joking manner. Allows the
abuser to say he was just kidding while still being abusive
Changing the subject to divert attention from them selves
Making someone feel worthless in an attempt to lower their self-esteem and
bring them down to the level of the abuser.
Threatening or hinting of physical, mental or sexual abuse
Denying anything is wrong (not being responsible and lying to self)
Inappropriate emotional out bursts (a form of distracting attention,
confusing the abused or shifting blame)
Controlling others to domineer and limit the freedom or expression
Forgetting commitments and promises.
Denying success by placing unreasonable demands, unjustly singling out or
constantly placing someone in the category of a loser.
Taking advantage of ones weakness or using shame, guilt or fear against
another
Manipulating another person against their will
Submissive actions
Cutting some one off so they are not allowed to speak. Suppressing
self-expression.
Eliminating your ability to choose
Inappropriate questions or comments to evoke an emotional response
Humiliating someone in front of others or inappropriately pushing their
buttons
Pretending to understand your concerns, and then disregarding them
Slandering some ones name, reputation, associations or activities


THE LONG TERM EFFECTS OF ABUSE include detachment, isolation, and a feeling
of being unreal or cold to the world. It lowers self-worth and self-esteem.
Past memories may be hazy or entire portions of a persons past may not even be
accessible. Unresolved feelings from past abuse are a major cause of emotional
disorders, including anxiety, panic attacks, stress, depression and OCD.

UNRESOLVED NEGATIVE EMOTIONS AND STRESS have been credited for up to 75% of
all hospital stays. Those who have not come to terms with past abuse,
especially abuse they suffered in childhood, will have a harder time dealing
with
stressful situations in their lives. They'll end up tapping into whatever
negative
emotions they're carrying every time a situation occurs which reminds them of
the abuse they've suffered in the past. Since these reactions happen in the
recesses of the subconscious, they may have no understanding of why they feel
bad.

   
LETTING IT GO
  
Yet we continue to hold on to the pain. Maybe we don't know how to let go or
maybe it's a matter of principle. When you keep trying to make sense of why
this happened, reliving it in your mind over and over again, the suffering
continues.  Some people carry these events for years, maybe even their entire
lives, imprisoned by their own thoughts. If you have the belief you can't let it
go, or that you deserve to feel this way, ask yourself "Am I getting any
positive results from this in my life?" "How long will I choose to suffer from
events
that happened long ago?"

Abuse breeds negative emotions, depleting your body's energy, clouding
clarity of thought, and keeping you from being your best. If you are in an
abusive
environment, get out. That may be a scary thought and your options may look
very limited. This is because the abuser has made you feel that you have no
power, but you do.  You must find your power and move on with your life.


HOW CAN I HEAL? By working with a professional who can assist you in
releasing past negative emotions. First you have to decide that it's really time
for
you to let this go, to take action and to make whatever changes are necessary
to move on with your life.

Our approach is designed in a manor which will allow you to release the
discomfort of old painful memories as easily and effortlessly as possible. If
past
events still trigger anger, frustration, fear, hurt, rejection, shame, guilt,
or other negative emotions, isn't time to let go and to begin living your life
in a way you can imagine it being different, or do you want to continue
feeling bad about yourself forever? Don't you at least deserve the opportunity
to
change?

IF YOU DESIRE TO GET OUT FROM OLD ABUSIVE MEMORIES you first have to decide
it's time to move on. Nothing will change unless you make the decision to
change.   Reach out today.


The distance between insanity and genius is measured only by success.


AZDoc:
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse








[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

The Victim's Stages of Recovery
by Dr. Irene

March 12, 2000
Recovery from codependent victimhood usually occurs in a series of often
overlapping stages. Here is a rough outline of what you may expect, though each
individual is different:

DUH... Denial Stage. The victim is relatively brain dead here. Your energy is
spent on justifying your abuser, working overtime to "make him or her happy,"
and hiding the truth from yourself. You often pay with physical and / or
emotional symptoms. Your self-esteem is non-existent.

UGH! Shock & Disbelief Stage. The victim doesn't know which end is up! You
have just learned about abuse and are shocked to realize that your relationship
may be abusive! You need validation and support. You are just learning to
trust your senses.

Advice: This is the time to "do nothing." Simply become aware of what is
going on, and notice how you feel about it. This is not the time to stand up to
your abuser. You are getting ready to do that down the road. Pay attention and
become increasingly aware. Read books like The Verbally Abusive Relationship
and  The Gift of Fear.

OOOPS! Anger Stage. There is a sharp sense of outrage over what has been
happening! Your victim's buttons are all showing! You are angry, defensive,
blaming, and full of guilt now - and you are internally fighting all of it! If
you
are at all impulsive, without realizing, you are likely to act out and behave
as abusively as your abuser!  Oooops!

Advice: Don't act out! You are right to be angry, but realize you don't know
how to effectively stand up to your abuser yet. You are probably acting out
towards those whom you perceive as weaker than yourself. This is the time to sit
with your feelings, and do nothing - until you know what you need to do.

Read books to help you with your anger like Harriet Lerner's The Dance of
Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing The Patterns of Intimate Relationships  and
Change Your Life Now: Powerful Techniques for Positive Change and start reading
assertion books like Don't Say Yes When You Want to Say No and Your Perfect
Right. Assertion skills are very important!

Warning: Don't get stuck in this stage. Your job is to listen to your anger's
message, but chill before you act - so that when you do act, you act
effectively. Watch the defensiveness. You don't need it - since there is nothing
to
defend!

YIPPEE! Personal Responsibility Stage. Finally. You are very clear on what's
going on, you are able to stand up to your abuser. You may have left. You have
developed adequate self-control skills and are less likely to be provoked!

Above all, you increasingly recognize that you are in control of your life -
and that you do not have the power to make another person happy or miserable.
You realize that your abuser is a victim too, but you know it is up to them to
fix themselves - if they want. You feel great about yourself!

Advice: Continue increasing your wonderful skills! Read books that target
your weak areas, remain aware, and Monday morning quarterback situations which
you wished you had handled differently. The next time something like the last
yukkily-handled situation comes up, you will be better prepared.

Warning: This stage is highly addictive. Congratulations and enjoy yourself!
Your personal power will grow with practice and you will become increasingly
adept at handling life's dilemmas. You may get so good at running your life,
you find that you only rarely Monday morning quarterback situations anymore. You
find yourself just intuitively handling them! Yippee!



     Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting
different results.

~ Albert Einstein


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

The Abuser is the Victim?

By DR Irene

http://drirene.com


The initial assessment of a new case is like reading a good mystery. I'm
never sure how the story will unfold.

The plot thickens when I interview a self-proclaimed victim with a long tale
detailing abuse endured at the hands of their partner. Sometimes it is true.
Other times it is really the other way around. Sometimes it is both ways
around.

Will the real victim please stand up? One tip-off: the "real" victim is
usually insecure, unsure of themselves, and confused. Usually, the angrier and
more
acting out (e.g., screaming, etc.) they behave, the more responsible they
feel. Usually, but not always...

One young woman I work with was miserable that her wonderful husband wanted
to leave her.  She couldn't really blame him for wanting to leave because she
was so awful. She admitted to angry and cutting outbursts that she could not
control. In fact, she was coming to accept one assessment that she was in the
multiple personality disorders camp, the result of an incestuous childhood. 
This hypothesis would explain her fiery quick temper and poor memory. When she
brought in her husband, he was exactly as she described him: "wonderful." She
told me I would love him. "Everybody loves Peter,"  she promised.

Peter proceeded to describe the abuse he put up with over the years and why
he would no longer tolerate it. Anyone else would have jumped ship long ago, he
thought. Despite all he does for his wife, Ariel cannot help but turn around
and bite his head off for "no reason". He'd had it and was not sure he wanted
to stay in the marriage. She agreed with him, but hoped that with treatment,
her anger would mitigate enough for him to stay.

I did think Peter was a cool guy -  except for how he treated his wife: with
thinly veiled contempt.  Neither Peter nor Ariel were aware of the abuse, but
she clearly reacted. Like a finely tuned engine, Ariel blew up or cried each
time Peter tapped her gas pedal.

Months later: Ariel is much less confused, much less angry, and more in
control of her life. She is also clear on how much abuse she took from her
husband!
This tough, pretty little lady saw how she bent over backwards for others.
Doing for, and making excuses for, and protecting the feelings of, and putting
up with, and putting up with, and putting up with. As her vision cleared, she
began cleaning up her act. She still loves Peter, but is she entirely unwilling
to accept his verbal and emotional abuse or his neglect of her emotional
needs, acts that she had come to regard as "normal."

More months later: Well, Peter cleaned up his act. Really! He dumped his
acting out behavior for the most part. Ariel did not. Cannot. In fact, she's
having the worstt time trying to treat Peter with a reasonable amount of
respect.
"He is annoying," "He is this, that and the other thing." Things should be done
her way, because it is a better way. Oh boy...

Ariel is now aware of her anger issues. She has middling control over her
moods, even with the antidepressants which have helped her so very much. The
good
news: her sense of inner shame and un-OK-ness is beginning to dwindle,
allowing her self-awareness to become keener.

What's going on?

Peter initially presented as the abuser. He was not fully aware of his anger
and had little idea he was acting out. Peter historically had been the
mild-mannered guy who put up with his wife's stuff for many, many years. His
release.
In therapy, he got in touch with his anger - and was in a full-fledged angry
abuse spree when I first met him.

I wasn't sure who was who, but thought he was the "real" abuser initially.
But, I changed my mind when I saw how he was able to get his act together - and
very quickly - once his misbehavior was pointed out to him. On the other hand,
Ariel, the initial abuser, then apparent victim, now seems to be the "real"
abuser.

How Can This Be?

Ariel and Peter are both products of dysfunctional homes. Unlike more clear
cut and polarized cases, this couple is more the norm. In their partnership,
each is capable of alternately playing the codependent and abusive role, though
I suspect Ariel is more capable of abuse than is Peter, judging by how well he
cleaned up his act. Personally, I think this couple is so well-matched, I
call them "soul mates." I'm really rooting for them.

In most cases, abuse is relative. Ariel and Peter are "opponents," able to
switch off playing classic co-dependent and classic counter-dependent roles. 
They were both hurt as children. Yet, they were both taught to be caretakers.
Neither learned to take good care of themselves.

My Take:

Each partner has some work to do. Perhaps Ariel must gain respect for her mom
who put up with her dad. Perhaps Peter is still trying to win his parents'
love. Whatever. A broken piece exists in each individual that can be mended only
when the partner fixes themselves enough to give the other individual the
space they need to fix themselves. This process is beautifully described by
Harville Hendrix in his Imago Therapy. Problem is...who fixes themselves first? 
(The smartest one, I think.)


     Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting
different results.

~ Albert Einstein


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Many times, it's our past wounds that keep us from forming healthy
relationships in our present. And we can unknowingly participate in this, by
using our
wounds as some sort of definition of who we are. Carolyn Myss refers to this as
Woundology.
Here is a link to an excellent article addressing the subject.

http://partners.nytimes.com/books/f.../myss-heal.html



     Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting
different results.

~ Albert Einstein


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Controlling Behavior and Other Symptoms of Codependency

Controlling Behavior: Codependents try to control events and people through
helplessness, guilt, coercion, threats, advice-giving, manipulation, or
domination. They are afraid to let people be who they are or let events happen
naturally. They've lived in so many situations in which they had no control
(abuse,
alcoholism, etc.) that they now try to control everything and get frustrated
and angry when they cannot. They end up feeling controlled by events. They feel
controlled by others. They resist change as if change were a contagion.


Sexual Problems: Codependents go through cycles in the bedroom. They are
caretakers there too. They have sex when they don't want to or withdraw sex to
punish their partner. They try to have sex when they are hurt or angry, and
refuse to enjoy it. They withdraw emotionally from their partner, feel revulsion
toward their partner, and don't want to talk about it. They reduce sex to a
technical act, wonder why they don't enjoy it; lose interest; make up reasons to
abstain, wish their partner would die, go away, or guess what is wrong with
them; they have strong sexual fantasies about others and consider having
affairs.


Low Self Worth: Codependents tend to come from troubled, dysfunctional
families, and some will deny this to the very end. They blame themselves for
their
family's shortcomings. They blame themselves for everything. They pick on
themselves constantly: not intelligent enough, not pretty enough, not smart
enough,
not athletic enough, not good enough. But if another criticizes them, boy do
they get defensive and angry, not to mention self-righteous.

Don't try to give a codependent a compliment; they reject all compliments and
praise, even though they get depressed from lack of compliments and praise.
They feel "different" from the rest of the world. They reject themselves, but
fear rejection. Everything is taken personally, they love being the victim
(though will deny it with their last breath).

They have been victims of sexual, physical, or emotional abuse, abandonment,
neglect, and/or alcoholism. They feel like victims, carry lots of guilt and
shame, and think their lives are not worth living. They should have done this,
should have done that. They "should" themselves to death. Codependents say,
"Why me?" on the outside, and know "why me" on the inside. While trying to prove
to others that they are good enough, to themselves they are worthless and
empty.


Lack of Trust/Misplaced Trust: Codependents do not trust themselves, their
feelings, their decisions, other people, or even God. And then, right out of the
blue, they'll trust someone who is totally untrustworthy.


Dependency: Codependents do not feel happy or content with themselves. They
look to others to supply them their happiness or their needs. They are
threatened by the loss of anything or any person that provides them with their
happiness.

They do NOT love themselves. They did not feel loved by their parents. They
equate love with pain and believe others are never, ever there for them. They
need people more than they want them; their lives revolve around someone else's
life; they tolerate abuse; feel trapped; leave one bad relationship and jump
into another bad relationship. They wonder if they will ever find true love.
And if they do find true love, they will leave that and find a loveless
relationship because deep inside (often beneath consciousness) they feel
unworthy of
love.


Repression: Most codependents repress their own needs, their own desires.
They are afraid to let themselves be who they are and often appear rigid and
controlled. They repress all thoughts of self worth out of their awareness and
they are full of guilt. Codependents cannot have fun.


Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: Codependents worry. They worry about the
slightest and silliest things: they worry that people are talking about them;
they
worry that people are not talking about them; they lose sleep over little
things; they check up on others; they try to catch people in the act; they never
find any answers, they focus on other's problems; they spend money
compulsively; eat or drink compulsively; and wonder why they have no energy and
why they
never get anything done.


Poor Boundaries: Codependents say they won't tolerate something from anyone,
and then engage themselves in exactly that. Then they gradually increase their
tolerance levels till they can tolerate most anything others do to them.

They allow others to hurt them, over and over and over again. They stay in
bad relationships for all the wrong reasons: to fix the other; for the kids
(like kids need to grow up in a loveless relationship); because things will get
better; and worst of all: because they feel they deserve to live in hell.

They complain and blame but far too many never get away from their abuser.
Then they finally get angry and become totally intolerant and the cycle begins
all over again.


Poor Communication Skills: Codependents blame, threaten, coerce, beg, bribe,
and advise others. They don't mean what they say and don't say what they mean.
They don't take themselves seriously and expect others to do the same. They
avoid getting to the point, asking indirectly for attention by sighing, crying,
or moping around. They say everything is their fault. They say nothing is
their fault. They can't get to the point, and if pressed, they're not sure what
the point really is. They believe their opinions do not matter and have
difficulties asserting their rights or expressing honest emotions, openly and
appropriately. They apologize for bothering people.


Denial: Codependents avoid their own issues, often claiming they don't have
any, but everyone else around them does. They ignore problems or pretend they
do not exist. They pretend things are not as bad as they are; they tell
themselves it will get better; they stay busy to avoid thinking about things;
they
get confused, sick, depressed and visit doctors for a prescription. Many are
workaholics. They lie to themselves and others. They believe their lies.

And most of all, codependents will leave a healthy situation (by lying to
themselves that it was an unhealthy situation) and get back into an unhealthy
situation; though for the most part, most codependents either never leave an
unhealthy situation/relationship, or they go from one unhealthy
situation/relationship to another.


Caretaking: the Codependent individual feels responsible for other people.
S/He feels anxious and even guilty when another has a problem. S/He feels
compelled to help that person solve their problem. S/He anticipates the other's
needs and feels angry when his help is not effective or rebuffed.

At the same time, the Codependent feels slighted that others won't help
her/him out when s/he needs help. However, this same individual who is
constantly
doing way too much for others, and not getting "any" help from anyone, will
usually answer when asked what is wrong or what do you need, responds, "Oh,
nothing." The Codependent minimizes his/her own worth. The Codependent is
his/her
own worst enemy.

The Codependent is over committed, harried, pressured, feels safe when
giving, but insecure when someone gives to him/her, goes out of her/his way to
help
others, and believes deep inside that other people are responsible for the way
they are and will blame others for the "spot" they are in. Others make them
feel the way they feel, they are victimized, angry, unappreciated, and used.
Others are driving them crazy.

For well over four years we have advertised at this site for someone willing
to help write an article on codependency. We got around a dozen responses, but
that was it: just an initial response and then nothing.

Symptoms of Codependency include overextending oneself and difficulty in
following a project through. So, it soon became apparent that while we were
going
to get responses, we weren't really going to find anyone to help write this.
We would have to do it alone.

So, here goes:

Codependency is a terrible term. It has endless connotations that have
nothing to do with the disorder. Codependency itself is such a broad dysfunction
that it is extremely hard to define in concise terms. However, one therapist and
friend summed up the condition thus: "I only wanted to be loved." Another
simple definition that works is, "Codependency is a dysfunctional relationship
with the self."

Codependents can be extremely responsible or irresponsible, they become
martyrs, sacrificing their own happiness. They find it difficult to be happy,
feel
close to others, or have fun and be spontaneous. They are passive aggressive,
feeling passive, hurt, helpless yet violent and angry. They laugh when they
want to cry. They are ashamed of their families, of their relationships. They
cover up, lie, and protect their family from their problems. They don't seek
help because they don't feel the problem is all that bad. And then they wonder
why the problems never go away.


From Bad to Worse

Progressively, if the codependent does not get help, the symptoms above just
get worse. The codependent becomes lethargic and depressed and eventually
withdraw and isolate themselves. Their daily routine falls by the wayside. They
abuse or neglect the people who depend on them, mostly, their children. They
feel utterly hopeless and initiate plans to escape. They contemplate suicide.
They become violent, or seriously mentally or physically ill. They develop an
eating (drinking or drug) disorder.


Summary:

Not all codependents have all of the above symptoms. If you have just 20% of
the above symptoms, you can consider yourself a codependent. If you have 5 to
10% of the above symptoms, you are normal. Normal people are, at times,
codependent. Even normal people can use a bit of therapy, a bit of healing.

We are all, in many ways, self-destructive. None of us came from the Cleaver
Family, Father does not know best, and our mothers were never as perfect as
Donna Reed.

The worst thing about being codependent is that the codependent wastes
her/his life. The next worst thing about being codependent is we pass it on to
our
children, and in them, our symptoms are hugely magnified.


Origins:

The one question is how did we get this way?

Prolonged exposure to oppression is the key here. As Earnie Larson states in
his books and lectures (I'm paraphrasing here): "What we live with we learn;
what we learn we practice; what we practice becomes habit; our habits have
consequences."

All of these behaviors are "learned." They can be unlearned.

Everything boils down to this: we have little self worth; our happiness is
found outside of ourselves.

However, Earnie Larson has one more wonderful phrase that really sums up the
codependent's situation or dilemma: "If nothing changes, nothing changes."

We, the codependent, must DO something to initiate healing. It won't come
from outside. It just doesn't happen. If nothing changes, nothing changes.


Healing Codependency:

Most people do not heal their codependency on their own. Let us face it, with
all these symptoms flaring up, especially the denial, who could possibly see
a way out?

Most codependents are slapped upside the head by a friend: "Hey, you need
help!"

We do need help. We need the experience of others who have broken the cycles.
We need a good therapist to help us see the light. We need friends who are
open and honest with us. We need to sit and read a bit about ourselves, our
problems, and the way out. Most of all, we need to know that we can be healed.
This is NOT a permanent situation. But each person has to recognize the problem,
admit to it, and then find the tools to help end it.

The first and most important thing for a codependent to learn is that
Happiness is inside of us, not something outside. A good relationship is good,
not
because of the person we love, but because of the person we are. One person does
not a relationship make.

Healing codependency is often referred to as "shifting our relationship with
ourselves." Codependents must learn to accept their powerlessness over people
and events. Recovery for a codependent is like recovery from alcohol or drug
addiction and the same 12-step model is oftentimes employed: Let Go. Let God.

The codependent must sometimes "fire" the people in their lives. If they are
not willing to work through their issues, then we have to "fire" them and move
on ourselves. But we must keep in mind that this is about us, not them.
Recovery means learning to take responsibility for our own actions, issues,
feelings, behaviors, and our lives.

Recovery is not easy. Letting go of the need to control people, places,
events is not easy. It is highly recommended to find a Codependent Anonymous
(CoDA)
group and attend regularly. Meetings, therapy, talking to fellow
codependents, and reading and just plain being aware of our feelings and
thoughts will
ultimately set us free from our self-defeating patterns; from our fear and
shame.
Letting go of caretaking and all the energy expended in that full-time effort
frees up our energies to more constructive things. Below are links to more
information, a place to locate a CoDA meeting, and further reading.

But finally know this: Your author has been through his own bouts with
codependency. Hardly any of us are untouched by this. Healing is not only
possible,
it is wonderfully exhilarating. Once we step out of our destructive patterns,
anything is possible. In a letter to a friend once, I wrote the following that
I want to share with you.

Old problems are much more comfortable than new solutions. But always keep in
mind, that life begins on the edge of your comfort zone.

Trust and listen to your intuition. If you listen to your mind, you will hear
only the same old crap it's been spewing for years. Unless you heal your
past, your life, and recover from the abuse (self-inflicted and other-inflicted)
your mind will not be your friend. Listen to your heart. Go with the flow.

According to A Course in Miracles, we come from either a place of fear or a
place of love. From a place of love, we can do no wrong. From a place of fear,
every action is a mistake. Fill your heart with love and you will surpass even
your highest expectations.

2003 Wellness Directory of Minnesota



     Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting
different results.

~ Albert Einstein


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Codependence: Taking Responsibility for Being Co-Creators

Excerpted from http://www.joy2meu.com/Recovery_process.html

We are co-creators in this life experience we are having.  That means that
there are some areas over which we have some power and control and some areas
that we do not.  The essence of the dysfunction of the condition of
codependence, which is the human condition in my definition, is that we were
taught to try
to control things over which we have no control - and were not taught how to
have healthy control over that which we can control.

"I spent most of my life doing the Serenity prayer backwards, that is, trying
to change the external things over which I had no control - other people and
life events mostly - and taking no responsibility (except shaming and blaming
myself) for my own internal process - over which I can have some degree of
control.  Having some control is not a bad thing; trying to control something or
somebody over which I have no control is what is dysfunctional.  It was very
important for me to start learning how to recognize the boundaries of where I
ended and other people began, and to start realizing that I can have some
control over my internal process in ways that are not shaming and judgmental -
that
I can stop being the victim of myself."

I cannot control other people.  I cannot control life events.  I do not have
the power to force a specific outcome in my life in a way that will work to
satisfy the need that I think it will satisfy.

It is possible to force an outcome.  Someone with enough money and/or power
(political, physical, corporate, emotional, etc.) can sometimes force other
people to do what they want.  

It is possible to bully, intimidate, rape, take over, force out of business,
steal, lay on guilt trips, etc., to get an outcome you desire.

It will not fill the hole in your soul however.  It will not slake the thirst
you are trying to quench in a way that is lasting.  It will not ultimately
meet the need which you fixated on that outcome to gratify. 

It will not bring peace, fulfillment, and True Love into your life.  Forcing
an outcome is ultimately dysfunctional.

Likewise, life events cannot be controlled.  You can work and slave to buy
the dream house - and have it wiped out in a matter of moments in a fire or
earthquake.  You can scrimp and save for retirement - and have your life savings
wiped out in a financial disaster, or die the day you retire.

There are no guarantees what tomorrow will bring.  Focusing all of our time
and energy on the future is dysfunctional - not only because it causes us to
miss out on today - but because it simply does not work to guarantee an outcome.


The out come (end result / destination) is what we are powerless over.  We
can take action towards an outcome, but then we need to let go of the results. 
We can plant the seeds of the garden we wish to grow but we cannot guarantee
that the results will be what we envision - or will satisfy our underlying
need.

Our job as co-creators is to imagine the garden, plant the seeds and nurture
them, and enjoy the process that we are involved in today.  We are ultimately
powerless over the outcome.  We do have the power to be present for the
journey no matter what the destination ends up being.

If we are always focused on the destination, we are not living today.  I
spent most of my life feeling like my life would begin when ____ - I got the
money, or the success, or the relationship, or whatever.  That is dysfunctional
and
codependent and sets me up to be a victim of life and other people.

In order not to be the victim it is necessary to own our power to make
choices.  It is necessary to exercise power in the areas that we have some power
and
control.

The things that I have the power to control to some extent are my own
attitudes and behaviors.  I have the power to choose what actions I take.

Attitudes and Behaviors

I will be talking in the other articles in this series about how to change
our attitudes and our relationship with our own internal process so that it is
possible to overcome the childhood programming and emotional wounds.  It is
very important to do this work in order to take the shame and fear out of the
process as much as possible.  One of the reasons we have not been able to grow
up
and take responsibility for being co-creators in our lives is because of our
fear of doing it wrong, making mistakes, not being good enough.  Those fears
caused us to swing between the extremes of putting all our time and energy into
being in control, or giving up all responsibility and any semblance of
control.

I can have some power over my own behavior.  I can make choices about where
to exert my willpower.  I can take actions that are aligned with Loving myself
instead of always taking action to repress the feelings and escape reality.

In order to get sober, I had to start taking the action of not picking up the
next drink.  I needed to take the action of going to meetings and calling my
sponsor.  I need to start reaching out for help from people who were in
recovery instead of fellow alcoholics, addicts, and codependents who would
enable my
disease and endorse my excuses.

I had to force myself to take actions that were aligned with recovery in
order to make any progress in my recovery.  Sometimes, the action I had to take
was to not take an action that I would normally have taken.  Sometimes, I had to
force myself to take actions that I had never taken before. 

Often the action I needed to take was an action that would get me out of my
head with all of it's obsessions and fantasies (nightmares) about the future -
or regrets and recriminations about the past.  My tendency has always been to
focus on big dramatic events in order to avoid the mundane, common details of
life.  I would much rather fantasize about the future (in all it's glory or
tragedy) than wash the dishes.  I would rather think about taking action than
take action.

I was very good at thinking about taking action.  At a point when I was a
couple years in recovery, I found some old journals from the days when I was
still drinking and using.  I was amazed to find that I had made the same to do
(tomorrow) lists then that I was making in recovery.  The only difference was
that "stop drinking" was not on the list anymore.  That was when I realized that
in recovery I was still trying to reach a destination.  I was still primarily
thinking about taking action.  I still had very little ability to be in the
now.

"Many of us have pursued healing and Recovery just like we did the rest of
our lives - as if it were a destination to be reached where we would find
"happily ever after."  We have gone to healers and psychics and therapists in
order
to learn the "right" way to do life."

***
"As I said, the goal of healing is not to become perfect, it is not to "get
healed."  Healing is a process, not a destination - we are not going to arrive
at a place in this lifetime where we are completely healed.

The goal here is to make life an easier and more enjoyable experience while
we are healing.  The goal is to LIVE.  To be able to feel happy, Joyous, and
free in the moment, the majority of the time."

Taking action happens in the now.  I may still think about the future while I
am washing dishes, but the dishes will get done and I will feel good about
that at some point later on.  Taking action in alignment with being responsible
f
or me and my life is a loving thing to do for myself.  Making the choice to
align myself with delayed gratification instead of instant gratification is an
important component in the transition to having a more Loving relationship
with my self.

There was a point early in my recovery where tragedy was looming, impending
doom was swooping down upon me, everything in my life was going terribly from
my perspective.  I went to talk to a man I trusted and after hearing all of my
woes, he had one piece of advice for me - make my bed every morning.  I
thought he was insane.  But I started doing it.  And as the process unfolded,
and
the potential tragedies in my life worked themselves out, I would come home and
see my bed made and feel good about myself.  I learned that taking an action
for myself helped me to get through difficult stages in the journey.  Life
unfolds - this too passes - over the course of time.  Worrying about outcomes
does
not serve to make my life easier today.  Taking action can make my life
easier today."




     Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting
different results.

~ Albert Einstein


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

The Angry Person's Codependence

http://www.drirene.com/inside.htm


     Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting
different results.

~ Albert Einstein


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Detachment and Codependency

Adapted from Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie

Most codependents are attached to the people and problems in their
environments.

Attachment is becoming overly-involved and can take several forms:

* We may react instead of choosing how we will respond in a situation (our
physical, emotional, and mental energy is attached). (Don't react, remove
yourself from the situation if it is escalating.)

* We may become obsessed with and controlling of people and problems in our
life (our energy is directed at the object of our obsession).

* We may become excessively worried about, or preoccupied with a problem or
person (our mental energy is attached).

* We may become emotionally dependent on the people around us.

* We may become caretakers, rescuers, or enablers to the people around us
firmly attaching ourselves to their need for us.


Overinvolvement of any sort can keep us in a state of chaos and the people
around us as well.

If we are focusing all our energy on people and problems, we will have little
time for the business of taking care of our own needs.

We forfeit our power, our ability to think, feel, and act and we lose
control.

When we are obsessed with another human being, we cannot think objectively.

We not only have a problem or person that is bothering us, it is controlling
us.


What is Detachment?

Detachment is not a cold, hostile withdrawl; a resigned, despairing
acceptance of whatever is thrown our way.

We are not unaffected by people and problems, we cannot ignore our
responsibilities to ourselves and others by severing our relationships with
others.

Detachment is releasing or detaching from a person or problem with love.

We find it necessary to mentally, emotionally, and physically remove
ourselves from unhealthy or painful entanglements with another person's life and
responsibilities.

Detachment is based on the premise that each person is responsible for
himself or herself and that we can't solve problems that aren't ours, and that
worry
is not helpful.

We adopt a policy of keeping our hands off other peoples responsibilities.

We allow other people to experience the consequences of their actions.

And we stop trying to change things we can't fix.

We try to focus on what is good in our own lives.

Detachment is living in the moment; living in the here and now.

We cannot live in the past and we cannot change it.

We must learn to "accept the things we cannot change" and to "change the
things we can".


Detaching does not mean we don't care, it means we care enough to "let go and
let God" take care of the details.

We learn how to make good decisions, and how to develop healthy relationships
with others.

The rewards of detachment are the freedom to live our own lives without
feeling guilty or responsible for others. We learn to mind our own business.

Many people who have chosen to live with serious problems such as alcoholism,
drug addiction or a severely handicapped child have learned to cope with
these problems.

They have grieved their losses and found a way not to live in resignation,
martyrdom or despair but with a true sense of gratitude to the 12-Step programs
available. They have learned to take care of themselves and have improved
their self-esteem through the use of self-help books and programs.

We learn to detach by using a three-part formula from Alcoholics Anonymous
and Al-Anon: through Honesty, Openness, and Willingness to try to abide by the
12 Steps and 12 Traditions. Many different organizations use the Steps and
Traditions.

"We need to detach when it is the least likely or possible thing to do."

Adapted from Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie, (c) 1987.



     Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting
different results.

~ Albert Einstein


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

HOTLINE NUMBERS

Don't be afraid to call if you need help!

Battered Women Task Force: 800-646-TASK

National Hotline for Domestic Abuse: 800-799-SAFE

Rape Crisis: 800-658-HOPE

National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255) and
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Alcohol and Drug Helpline: 800-821-HELP

Alcohol Hotline: 800-ALCOHOL

Cocaine Hotline: 800-GOCAINE

Missing Children: 800-342-0821

National Runaway Hotline: 800-621-4000

Cancer Information Hotline: 800-448-3000

American Cancer Society: 800-227-2345

AIDS/HIV: 800-342-2437


     Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting
different results.

~ Albert Einstein


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Now We Are Six: The Narcissistic Mother
Lost Source

If you had a narcissist for a parent, you lived in a world governed by whim
enforced without mercy.

Narcissists have normal, even superior, intellectual development while
remaining emotionally and morally immature. Dealing with them can give you the
sense
of trying to have a reasonable discussion with a very clever six-year-old --
this is an age when normal children are grandiose and exhibitionistic, when
they are very resistant to taking the blame for their own misbehavior, when they
understand what the rules are (e.g., that lying, cheating, and stealing are
prohibited) but are still trying to wriggle out of accepting those rules for
themselves. This is the year, by the way, when children were traditionally
thought to reach the age of reason and when first communions (and first
confessions) were made.

Having a narcissist for a mother is a lot like living under the supervision
of a six-year-old. Narcissists are always pretending, and with a narcissistic
mother it's a lot like, "Let's play house. I'll pretend to be the mother and
you pretend to be the baby," though, as the baby, you'll be expected to act like
a doll (keep smiling, no matter what) and you'll be treated like a doll -- as
an inanimate object, as a toy to be manipulated, dressed and undressed,
walked around and have words put in your mouth; something that can be broken but
not hurt, something that will be dropped and forgotten when when something more
interesting comes along.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--

Selected Characteristics of Normal Six-Year-Olds

[Based on Your Six-Year-Old, by Louise Bates Ames and Frances L. Ilg.]

The items below are not intended to be a comprehensive description of
six-year-olds, but only the selected bits that seem to be related to adult
narcissists' traits discussed elsewhere [and, yes, I really did compile the
traits list
weeks before finding this little book]. Besides being difficult and
bewildering, six-year-olds are also wonderfully warm and enthusiastic, fine
companions,
active, curious, intellectually ambitious, philosophically speculative, very
interested in the world and how it works, fond of novelty and amusement --
games, music, stories, outings, adventures.

My interest here is in pointing out that many of the narcissistic
characteristics that are abnormal in adults are completely normal at six years
of age and
that the survival of these childish characteristics into adulthood is,
essentially, immaturity rather than bad intentions. But bear in mind that, while
everyone who grows up passes through this stage of development, most of us spend
only a few months this way before moving on to more integrated behavior.
Narcissists, on the other hand, apparently spend the rest of their lives in this
state of highly volatile ambivalence and uncertainty. I don't mean to play down,
in any way, the very bad effects adult narcissists have on their own
children, but, for those who've survived being raised by narcissists, it may
give a
different way of looking at family history.

[See "It's A Good Life" for one person's idea of what it would be like if a
six-year-old ran the world -- and, I'll add, what life may seem like to a
six-year-old with a narcissist for a parent.] It has also bothered me that the
little clinical literature I've found is quite hostile to narcissists; I
certainly
know that they can be utterly impossible, but the truth remains that the
narcissists I've known were genuinely lovable about half the time -- the problem
being that they want to be treated as "special" in ways that they just ain't
special and will hate you for loving them for what they regard as the wrong
reasons (though most of the rest of us are far less demanding and are simply
pleased when attractive, decent people love us for any reason, special or not).

"Six can, oh so often, be expansive and out-of-bounds, contrary, violent,
hard...to live with."(p. 4)

"Your typical Six-year-old is a paradoxical little person, and bipolarity is
the name of the game. Whatever he does, he does the opposite just as readily.
In fact, sometimes the choice of some certain object or course of action
immediately triggers an overpowering need for its opposite." (p. 1, the first
paragraph of the book) [Emphasis in original]

"Six's reversals are truly something to be reckoned with." (p. 2)

"I love you" rapidly changes to "I hate you." (p. 2, 6)

stubborn and can't make up mind (p. 2)

"The child is now the center of his own universe." (p. 2, 15) [Emphasis in
original]

delighted by any silly thing that calls attention to himself; may do silly,
show-offy things to call attention to himself when he feels neglected or shut
out (pp. 71-72)

arrogant (p. 7)

self-important ("extremely aware of the importance of being Six") (p. 22)

demands rather than asks (twice on p. 6, 16)

thinks own way is always right (p. 7)

once started, will stick to a course of bad behavior or bad judgment
regardless of the inevitability of being punished for it (p. 7)

asks to be flattered and praised as "good," even ("rather sadly and
touchingly") following his worst behavior (p. 6)

can't accept criticism (p. 7)

feelings are hurt over very small criticisms, comments, failures (p. 6)

"He is so extremely anxious to do well, to be the best, to be loved and
praised, that any failure is very hard for him." (p. 6)

wants to win every time (p. 4, 21, 45)

poor sport, can't stand to lose (p. 7, 16)

argumentative and quarrelsome (p. 21)

defiant, pert, fresh, snippy (p. 6, 17)

competitive, combative (p. 20)

belligerent, verbally and physically aggressive (p. 21)

threatens, calls names, gets physically violent (p. 21)

violent temper tantrums may require physical restraint because of striking
out (p. 29)

jealous, envious (p. 7, 21)

to make sure of winning, will cheat or make up own rules (pp. 21-22, 45)

complains that others are cheating and not following the rules (p. 45)

some are very cruel to younger children (p. 22)

does not always tell the truth (p. 16)

will not admit to wrongdoing (p. 41) [Note: A technique is given for getting
the facts out of kids that also works with narcissists: instead of asking if
they did it, ask how they did it.]

goodness means the things explicitly required or allowed by parents or other
authority figures; badness means the things explicitly disapproved of or
forbidden (p. 66)

little forgiveness (p. 22)

very critical of others' conduct (p. 22)

expects friendships to be resumed immediately following tremendous complaint
and conflict (p. 22)

wants to boss (p. 21)

"Many children think their father knows everything -- even what goes on at
home while he is at work."(p. 16)

thinks his teacher knows the best and only right way of doing things; may not
know which rules to follow when school rules differ from home rules (p. 18)

"highly undifferentiated -- everything is everywhere" (p. 7)

can't always tell the difference between "yours" and "mine," and so often
steals (pp. 39-41)

"random and unconstructive expenditure of energy" (p. 31)

more interested in merely handling or using tools than in what is
accomplished with them (pp. 53-54)

less interested in actual final products than in whatever he may be doing at
the moment(p. 56)

"Sixes love to dress up and pretend they are somebody else...." (p. 49)



     Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting
different results.

~ Albert Einstein


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Most Common Personality Disorders

*Please note: when it comes to personality disorders it's not wise to
diagnose yourself and/or a partner without the assistance of a medical
professional.
Some persons can have a few traits of a disorder, or even several disorders,
but not be classified as actually having the disorder. These are merely
designed to enlighten you to the possibility of a disorder existent either
within
yourself and/or a partner so that you can explore said further with a DR if you
so choose. In abusive relationships, it not uncommon for both partners to
exhibit some symptoms of a disorder. I.e., a partner with borderline or
dependent
personality disorder traits might be involved with a partner with narcissistic
personality traits:


1) Paranoid personality disorder

Definition:

Paranoid personality disorder is a psychiatric condition characterized by
extreme distrust and suspicion of others.

Causes, incidence, and risk factors:

Personality disorders are chronic patterns of behavior that cause lasting
problems with work and relationships. The cause of paranoid personality disorder
is unknown, but it appears to be more common in families with psychotic
disorders like schizophrenia and delusional disorder, which suggests a genetic
influence.

Symptoms:

People with paranoid personality disorder are highly suspicious of other
people. They are usually unable to acknowledge their own negative feelings
towards
other people.

Other common symptoms include:

Concern that other people have hidden motives
Expect to be exploited by others
Inability to collaborate
Poor self image
Social isolation
Detachment
Hostility



2) Antisocial personality disorder

Definition:

Antisocial personality disorder is a psychiatric condition characterized by
chronic behavior that manipulates, exploits, or violates the rights of others.
This behavior is often criminal.

Alternative Names:

Psychopathic personality; Sociopathic personality;

Causes, incidence, and risk factors:

Personality disorders are chronic behavioral and relationship patterns that
interfere with a person's life over many years. To receive a diagnosis of
antisocial personality disorder, a person must have first had behavior that
qualifies for a diagnosis of conduct disorder during childhood.

The cause of antisocial personality disorder is unknown, but genetic factors
and child abuse are believed to contribute to the development of this
condition. People with an antisocial or alcoholic parent are increased risk. Far
more
men than women are affected, and unsurprisingly, the condition is common in
prison populations.

Symptoms:

A person with antisocial personality disorder:

Breaks the law repeatedly
Lies, steals, and fights often
Disregards the safety of self and others
Demonstrates a lack of guilt
Had a childhood diagnosis (or symptoms consistent with) conduct disorder

Signs and tests:

Individuals with antisocial personality disorder are often angry and arrogant
but may be capable of superficial wit and charm. They may be adept at
flattery and at manipulating the emotions of others. People with antisocial
personality disorder often have extensive substance abuse and legal problems.



3) Schizoid personality disorder

Definition:

Schizoid personality disorder is a psychiatric condition characterized by a
lifelong pattern of indifference to others and social isolation.

Causes, incidence, and risk factors:

Personality disorders are chronic behavioral and relationship patterns that
interfere with a person's life over many years. The cause of schizoid
personality disorder is unknown and estimates of its incidence vary.

This disorder may be associated with schizophrenia and shares many of the
same risk factors. However, schizoid personality disorder is not as profoundly
disabling as schizophrenia, since it is not marked by hallucinations, delusions,
or the complete disconnection from reality that occurs in untreated (or
treatment-resistant) schizophrenia.

Symptoms:

A person with schizoid personality disorder:

Does not desire nor enjoy close relationships, even with family members
Avoids social activities that involve significant interpersonal contact
Appears aloof and detached

Signs and tests:

People with schizoid personality disorder are loners and show little interest
in developing close relationships.



4) Avoidant personality disorder

Definition:

Avoidant personality disorder is a psychiatric condition characterized by a
lifelong pattern of extreme shyness, feelings of inadequacy, and sensitivity to
rejection.

Causes, incidence, and risk factors:

Personality disorders are lifelong patterns of behavior that cause problems
with work and relationships. The cause of avoidant personality disorder is
unknown.

Symptoms:

People with avoidant personality disorder form relationships with others only
if they believe they will not be rejected. They are preoccupied with their
own shortcomings. Loss and rejection are so painful that these individuals will
choose loneliness rather than risk trying to connect with others.

Signs and tests:

Some common signs of avoidant personality disorder include:

Easily hurt by criticism or disapproval
Has no close friends
Reluctant to become involved with people
Avoids activities or occupations that involve contact with others
Shy in social situations out of fear of doing something wrong
Exaggerates potential difficulties



5) Histrionic personality disorder

Definition:

Histrionic personality disorder involves a pattern of excessive emotional
expression and attention-seeking, including an excessive need for approval and
inappropriate seductiveness. It usually begins in early adulthood.

Causes, incidence, and risk factors:

The cause of this disorder is unknown, but childhood events and genetics may
both be involved. It occurs more frequently in women than in men, although
some feel it is simply more often diagnosed in women because attention-seeking
and sexual forwardness is less socially acceptable for women.

People with this disorder are usually able to function at a high level and
can be successful socially and at work. They may seek treatment for depression
when romantic relationships end.

They often fail to see their own situation realistically, instead tending to
over dramatize and exaggerate. Responsibility for failure or disappointment is
usually blamed on others.

Symptoms:

Constant seeking of reassurance or approval
Excessive dramatics with exaggerated displays of emotions
Excessive sensitivity to criticism or disapproval
Inappropriately seductive appearance or behavior
Excessive concern with physical appearance
A need to be the center of attention (self-centeredness)
Low tolerance for frustration or delayed gratification
Rapidly shifting emotional states that may appear shallow to others
Opinions are easily influenced by other people, but difficult to back up with
details
Tendency to believe that relationships are more intimate than they actually
are

Signs and tests:

The person's overall appearance, behavior, and history, and a psychological
evaluation are usually sufficient to establish the diagnosis. There is no
formal test to confirm the diagnosis.



6) Dependent personality disorder (sounds like codependence to me!)

Definition: Dependent personality disorder is a chronic condition involving
over-reliance on others to meet emotional and physical needs.

Causes, incidence, and risk factors:

The cause of this disorder is unknown. It usually begins in early adulthood.

Symptoms:

People with this disorder do not trust their own ability to make decisions.
They may be devastated by separation and loss and may go to great lengths, even
suffering abuse, to stay in a relationship.

Signs and tests:

Some of the common signs of dependent personality disorder include:

Inability to make decisions
Avoids personal responsibility
Avoids being alone
Feels devastated or helpless when relationships end
Unable to meet ordinary demands of life
Preoccupied with fears of being abandoned
Easily hurt by criticism or disapproval
Extremely passive to other people
Tolerant of normally unacceptable behavior



7) Narcissistic personality disorder

Definition:

Narcissistic personality disorder is a condition characterized by an inflated
sense of self-importance and an extreme preoccupation with one's self.

Causes, incidence, and risk factors:

The cause of this disorder is unknown. Personality disorders are long-lasting
patterns of behavior that cause problems with relationships and work.
Narcissistic personality disorder usually begins by early adulthood and is
marked by
disregard for the feelings of others, grandiosity, obsessive self-interest,
and the pursuit of primarily selfish goals.

Symptoms:

A person with narcissistic personality disorder:

Reacts to criticism with feelings or rage, shame, or humiliation
Takes advantage of others to achieve own goals
Manipulates others into giving them what they want
Feelings of self-importance
Exaggerates achievements and talents
Preoccupation with fantasies of success, power, beauty, intelligence, or
ideal love
Unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment
Requires constant attention and admiration
Lacks empathy for others

Signs and tests:

Personality disorders are diagnosed based on a psychological evaluation and
the history and severity of the symptoms.



8) Borderline personality disorder

Definition:

Borderline personality disorder is a condition characterized by impulsive
actions, mood instability, and chaotic relationships.

Causes, incidence, and risk factors:

Personality disorders are chronic patterns of behavior that impair
relationships and work. The cause of borderline personality disorder (BPD) is
unknown.
People with BPD are impulsive in areas that have a potential for self-harm such
as drug use, drinking, over spending, promiscuous sex, and other risk-taking
behaviors.

Risk factors for BPD include abandonment issues in childhood or adolescence,
sexual abuse, disrupted family life, and poor communication within the family.
This personality disorder tends to occur much more often in women and among
hospitalized psychiatric patients.

Symptoms:

Relationships with others are intense and unstable, swinging wildly from love
to hate and back again. People with BPD will engage in frantic efforts to
avoid real or imagined abandonment.

BPD patients may also have uncertainties about their identity or self-image.
They tend to see things in terms of extremes, either all good or all bad. Such
people also typically view themselves as victims of circumstance and take
little responsibility for themselves or their problems.

Other symptoms include:

Frequent displays of inappropriate anger
Recurrent suicidal gestures such as wrist cutting, overdosing, or
self-mutilation
Feelings of emptiness and boredom
Intolerance of being alone
Impulsiveness with money, substance abuse, sexual relationships, binge
eating, or shoplifting

Signs and tests:

Personality disorders are diagnosed based on psychological evaluation and the
history and severity of the symptoms.



9) Personality disorder - obsessive-compulsive

Causes, incidence, and risk factors:

This disorder tends to occur in families and thus may have a genetic
component.

Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder most often occurs in men. It should
not be confused with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), which is another
psychiatric condition that shares some symptoms with obsessive-compulsive
personality disorder.

People with obsessive-compulsive personality disorder believe that their
preoccupations are appropriate. They tend to be high achievers and have a sense
of
urgency about their actions. They may become extremely upset if others
disturb their rigidly ordered routines.

Symptoms:

A person with this personality disorder has symptoms of perfectionism that
usually begin in early adulthood. This perfectionism may interfere with the
person's ability to complete a given task because the rigid standards cannot be
upheld. People with this disorder may emotionally withdraw when they are not
able to control a situation.

Signs and tests:

Some of the common signs of obsessive-compulsive personality disorder
include:

Perfectionism
Inflexibility
Preoccupation with details, rules, and lists
Reluctance to allow others to do things
Excessive devotion to work
Restricted expression of affection
Lack of generosity
Inability to throw things away, even if there is no value in the object



     Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting
different results.

~ Albert Einstein


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

A Sample Bill of Personal Rights

These statements will clarify and remind me of my rights as a natural human
being. I was not taught some of these as a child, and can strengthen my belief
in them today. Affirming my personal rights repeatedly will help free me of
old inhibitions and distorted beliefs, and empower me to be firmly assertive
(vs. aggressive or submissive) with others in a clear, positive, respectful way.

It's healthy for me to honor and respect my own rights and needs as much as I
do those of every other person. I can legitimately proclaim and pursue these
rights without shame, guilt, or fear, in any way that doesn't interfere with
other adults’ and kids’ equal rights. I need no one's permission to adopt
and
live from these beliefs.

No matter what my age, experience, or situation, I am a rare, unique,
worthwhile human being - like every other person. I bring a blend of talents,
knowledge, and motives to the world like no other living or dead person. I honor
and
respect my own uniqueness - and that of each other person in my life. I claim
the right to be ME, without explanation, apology, or defense. I am responsible
for being me, at all times. I affirm others' equal right to be their own
unique selves (plural).


I Now Declare My Human Right to...

1)  Experience all my own emotions. They are a natural part of being human.
They include fear, sadness, anger, shame, uncertainty, confusion, joy, lust,
hope, pride, happiness, etc. - even "numbness." I am not bad, weak, or wrong for
feeling, and there is no such thing as a "negative" emotion.

2)  Describe and/or express my feelings to others if and when I choose to,
without feeling obligated, guilty, or ashamed. I am responsible for this choice
but not for others' reactions.

3)  Say "Yes," "No," "I can't," and "I don't know," without undue guilt,
shame, or anxiety - and to be responsible for the consequences.

4)  Choose if, when, and how to meet others’ expectations of me. If I choose
not to meet them, I need not feel guilty unless I've clearly committed to do
so. I am responsible for such choices and their consequences.

5)  Choose my own friends and acquaintances, and how and when to spend time
with them. I may, but don't have to, justify these choices to others.

6)  Make my own mistakes, and learn from and profit by them if I can;

7)  Choose if, when, and how to respectfully tell others clearly how their
actions are affecting me - and to take responsibility for doing so.

8)  Earn and maintain my own self-respect and pride, rather than depending on
other people's opinions of me.

9)  Seek and accept or decline help without undue shame, anxiety, or guilt;

10)  Give others the responsibility for their own beliefs, decisions,
feelings, and thoughts, without feeling guilty, anxious, or selfish. Feeling
responsible for other adults often burdens me, and blocks their growing
self-confidence and self-respect.


And I declare my personal right to ...

11)  Seek situations, environments, and relationships that I feel are
healthy, growthful, and nurturing for me. I may - but don't have to - explain or
justify these decisions to other people.

12)  Be spontaneous, play, and have fun!

13)  Develop and grow at my own pace, and in the directions I feel are best
for me. This does not mean I ignore other's similar rights or their well-meant
counsel.

14)  Appreciate my own efforts and enjoy my achievements without guilt,
anxiety, or shame. Normal (vs. excessive) pride is not a sin, and never was.

15)  Act to fill my own wants and needs rather than demand or expect others
to do so for me;

16)  Periods of guilt-free rest, refreshment, reflection, and relaxation.
These are as productive for me as times of work and action.

17)  Choose whom I will trust, when, how much, and with what;

18)  Take on only as much as I can handle at any given time, and to tell
others if I feel overloaded, without shame, anxiety, or guilt;

19)  Nurture, love, and value myself as much as I do others who are special
to me. Being "Self-ish" (attending my own needs and nurturance) is healthy and
good - as long as I don't hinder, minimize, or disrespect other's rights to
care for themselves.

20)  Choose the paths and goals I wish for my life, and to pursue them
without guilt, shame, or the need to explain or justify them to others.


And I also claim my unarguable rights to...

21)  Take all the time I need to evaluate and make important life-decisions.
If this stresses others, they are responsible  for asserting their needs and
I'm responsible for balancing them with mine.

22)  Care for my body and spirit lovingly and respectfully, in my own ways.

23)  Choose my own priorities and limits, and act on them as I see fit.

24)  Distinguish between who other people say I am (or was) and who I really
am.

25)  Be heard and clearly understood. My thoughts, feelings, wants, needs,
dreams, and dignity are as valid, worthy, and important as anyone else's.

26)  Define excellence in any situation, and to choose if, when, and how to
strive for this standard or not.

27)  Choose how to balance and spend my time, and take the short and
long-term consequences;

28)  Tell others respectfully what I expect of them, realizing they
legitimately may or may not choose to fulfill these expectations.

29)  Choose how and when to peacefully fill my spiritual needs, even if my
choices conflict with others’ values or wishes. I do not have the right to
force
my spiritual or religious views, values, or practices on other people, nor do
I grant others the right to force theirs on me.

And I further affirm my unarguable right to...

30)  Heal past personal shamings and wounds, over time, and replace unhealthy
inner beliefs I've lived by with more nurturing and productive ones.

31)  Listen to and heed my "inner voices" with interest and respect, and to
sort out my true voices from others I hear.

32)  Have my physical, emotional, and spiritual privacy and boundaries
respected by others. I accept my responsibility to respect theirs as well.

33)  Ask (vs. demand) of others how they feel about me, what they think about
me, and what they need from me. They may choose to comply or not.

34)  Decide if, when, and how to forgive (a) my mistakes and (b) any hurts
received from others. I affirm that forgiveness promotes healing, health,
growth, and peace.

35)  Work respectfully and peacefully to change laws, rules, or situations I
feel are unjust or harmful to me and/or others.

36)  Evolve and use my Bill of Personal Rights, and learn how this affects me
and others. I affirm others' equal right and opportunity to do the same or
not.

37)
___________________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________


38)
___________________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________



Options

Rewrite parts or all of this sample to make it yours. Read each statement out
loud, and reflect: "Do I really believe this (or something like it) now?" If
the answer is "No," or "I'm not sure," get clear on what you do believe. Take
your time. Your set of basic un/conscious beliefs ("rules") shape your daily
choices, relationships, and achievements!

Acknowledge your childhood adults' responsibility to have taught you their
versions of your rights to get you started in life. Then accept your adult
responsibility to decide if what they taught you fits you well, or if you need
to
adopt new standards. When is the right or best time to do this? What if you
don't?

Reread this sample bill and thoughtfully consider whether each of your key
childhood caregivers would agree to each Right. Option: if they're available,
give them a copy of this and discuss it with them.

Read these co-parent affirmations, and compose your own; and browse these
inspirations for guidance and clarity.

Note that changing core beliefs is a second-order (core attitude) change. The
beliefs that shape your daily decisions and actions are held by the subselves
which rule your personality. Forging and consistently acting on your personal
rights is most likely if your Self (capital "S") leads your other subselves.
If you (your ruling subselves) don't believe rights like those above, an
option is to identify which subself holds that belief, and learn what it would
take
for him or her to change it.


More options...

Post this bill somewhere in plain view where you can refresh yourself daily
on what it stands for.

Give a copy of this to each older child and adult in your home and/or
encourage them to evolve their own bill. Respect their right to do so or not.

If you participate in a support or other group (like a church congregation),
consider showing this bill to them and discussing it.

Refer to this bill any time you feel major internal and interpersonal
conflicts to help clarify each person's basic rights as you work together for
win-win
resolutions.

Reflect: why did you read this? Did you get what you needed? Breathe, and
notice how you feel now. If you'd like to feel this way more often, what's in
the
way? Do you know if your true Self is leading your other subselves now?

Lost Source


     Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting
different results.

~ Albert Einstein


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Don't Get Trapped!

1.  Marketing Trap - Believing you need to make yourself more appealing to
attract a partner and "selling" yourself with attractive packaging and
presentation.  High risk of disappointment and relationship failure as people
discover
that the excitement and promise of the "sizzle" conflicts with the reality of
the "steak."

2.  Scarcity Trap - Believing there is a limited supply of possible partners,
so you have to take what you can get or be alone.  Results in relationship
failure when you settle for less and compromise your Requirements.  A
self-fulfilling prophecy when you get less because you expect less.

3.  Compatibility Trap - Assuming that if you have fun together and get along
well, you are compatible and a committed relationship will work.  This
results in relationship failure when discovering the vast difference between a
fun-focused, recreational "dating" relationship, and a serious long-term
committed
relationship.  Being so different, the process and criteria for choosing a
recreational relationship needs to be very different from choosing a Life
Partner.

4.  Fairytale Trap - Passively expecting your ideal partner to magically
appear and live happily ever after without effort on your part.  Believing that
finding your soul mate will just "happen."  This results in disappointment when
the frogs that happen to jump into your life don't become princes.

5.  Date-To-Mate Trap - Becoming an "instant couple" with every new partner
as if giving each person you date an extended test drive.  Believing that if
you develop an exclusive relationship with everyone you date, a successful
committed relationship will eventually happen.  Other terms for this are "Serial
Monogamy" and the "Mini-Marriage."  This approach is a costly use of time and
emotional energy.  The inertia in this trap is pressure to make the relationship
work, attempt to solve unsolvable problems, and fit the round peg in the
square hole because breaking up and being single again is an undesired outcome.

6.  Attraction Trap - Making relationship choices based on feelings of
attractioin.  Interpreting a strong attraction to someone as a sign that the
relationship is a good choice and "meant to be."  This approach results in
relationship failure when unsolvable problems surface because you ignored the
red flags
when infatuated.  Unconscious choices usually result in repeating unproductive
past patterns.

7.  Love Trap - Interpreting infatuation, attraction, need, good sex, and/or
attachment as Love.  "If it feels good, it must be Love."  "Love is all you
need."  "Love conquers all."  Results in relationship failure when you discover
that love is not enough to meet your requirements and needs.

8.  Rescue Trap - Hoping a relationship will solve your emotional and
financial difficulties and bring you happiness and fulfillment, something like
winning the lottery.  You avoid taking responsibility for your life challenges,
expecting to be rescued from them.  This results in desperation, neediness, and
relationship failure when problems multiply instead of disappear.

9.  Co-Dependent Trap - Expecting someone to love you and give you what you
want by giving them what they want.  Attempting to earn love and happiness by
acquiescing, giving, and helping.  Needing to be needed often results in
unconsciously attracting and choosing a relationship with a person that needs
you,
but you later discover is unable to give you what you want or who even abuses
you.

10. Entitlement Trap - Believing you deserve to be happy and get what you
want in your life without effort or changes on your part.  This results in
relationship failure as you rely on your partner to bring happiness and
fulfillment
and inevitably experience disappointment.  "If you do what you've always done,
you'll get what you've always got."

11. Virtual Reality Trap - Believing that "what you see is what you get."
Making hasty long-term relationship decisions based on brief impressions and
inferences instead of actual experience and knowledge.  This can result in
seeing
what you want to see and relationship failure when later reality doesn't
match.

12. Lone Ranger Trap - Believing that you don't need anyone's help in finding
your Life Partner.  You evaluate people you meet for their relationship
potential and do not take the opportunity to cultivate new friends.  This
results
in isolation, perception of scarcity of potential partners, and risk of
settling for less than what you really want because you don't want to be alone.

13.  The Sex Trap - Singles who pursue a relationship based upon sexual
chemistry, then risk relationship failure when the hormore-induced intoxication
wears off and reality hits.

14. The Packaging Trap - Focusing on outside packaging, such as someone's
body, looks, job, wealth, material possessions, etc, overlooking the reality of
the person inside.  Opposite of the Marketing Trap; instead of seeking to sell
yourself with attractive packaging, you focus on the packaging of others.

Relationship Coaching Institute


     Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting
different results.

~ Albert Einstein


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

How to be UNhappy...

(compiled from a bunch of formerly miserable persons!)

Make little things bother you. Don't just let them, MAKE them.

Lose your perspective on things and keep it lost: don't put first things
first.

Get yourself a good worry, one about which you cannot do anything.

Be a perfectionist, which means not that you work hard to do your best, but
that you condemn yourself and others for not achieving perfection.

Be right. Be always right. Be the only one who is always right, and be rigid
in your rightness.

Don't trust or believe people, or accept them at anything but their worst and
weakest. Be suspicious. Insist that others always have hidden motives.

Always compare yourself unfavorably to others. This guarantees instant
misery.

Take personally everything that happens to you.

Don't give yourself wholeheartedly to anyone or anything. Get rid of your
sense of humor.  Life is very serious and you should take yourself seriously.

Two words: self-pity and lots of it.  The whole world is definitely against
you.

Cultivate bad, addictive habits in yourself.  Drink a lot.  Smoke a lot. Eat
a lot.

Go silent whenever someone sparks up a conversation that you don't know
about. Make sure to fidget, squirm, roll your eyes and bite your nails to the
quick. Quickly change the subject at the first opportunity.

Always build yourself up at the expense of others. Say things like "I
could've told you that."

You have the power to change other human beings.

All people other than yourself are broken and you can fix them since you have
Godly power.

You can fix another person, but you can't do squat about yourself.

Become irresistibly attracted to people who will never be there for you, on
any level, ever....

Never say "I'm sorry."

Make sure you take things people say to you as an insult, and let them know
it - especially if you know they didn't mean it that way!

Ask for help from somebody who is unsuccessful 4 weeks before the most
important exam of your life and then believe them when they say, "Nobody ever
passes
that exam"

Remember every little wrong that has ever been done to you, real or imagined.
Gather those bad feelings & put them in a bag - it will be a large and heavy
package. Then drag that bag behind you everywhere you go for the rest of your
life. It is your ticket to unhappiness and your proof of how right you are
about everything!

Scrutinize your partner's path with God and tell them what you see that they
are doing wrong. After all, God talks to you, therefore you know what is best
for others where God is concerned.

Make sure you vocalize your unhappiness to your loved ones, every day! Share
the wealth, take them with you!

Say mean, hateful things about other people when they aren't around, but be
nice to them when they are. Be sure no one except your partner hears the words
you speak.

Tell your partner how much you can't wait to get rid of them and remove them
from your life. The next day, tell that same person how much you love them and
how lucky you feel having being able to share your life with them.

Yell, scream, and belittle your partner until they cry. Then smugly proclaim
what a baby they are.

Surround yourself with misogynistic alcoholics who cannot maintain a
relationship.

"Don't ever let yourself feel pain or fear or sorrow. Instead, turn it
instantly into anger, and then make sure to let your partner see that anger."

"Always remember that if your partner loves you, he or she can read your
mind. There is never a need to share openly with them how you feel."

"Keep careful track of everything you do for your partner, and vice-versa.
Remember, the person with the highest score loves the other the most. Be sure to
keep your partner appraised of the score - especially when you are ahead."

"Believe every single negative thing anyone ever says about you. Forget about
anything positive - they were obviously wrong!"

"Don't waste your time trying to better yourself. People that love you will
obviously put up with anything you want to do. Instead, work diligently to
change others - that is much more fun."

"Admitting you have a problem is the first, and a huge, step towards
recovery. Be proud that you have the wonderful insight and honesty to admit you
have a
problem and stop right there. That should be plenty of work for anyone!"

"Surround yourself with only people that agree with everything you say. The
last thing you need is contradictory opinions!"

"Don't think about your own flaws much at all - this only causes problems.
After all, ignorance is bliss."

"Dwell on your flaws all the time. Never miss a chance to remind yourself
that you are an imperfect person."

"Remember, home is where you can let your hair down and relax. No need to be
polite and put your best foot forward at home. Save your best for the outside
world."

Refuse to be responsible. Let others, especially your wealthy parents or
spouse, support you financially. That way it doesn't matter if you can't hold a
job, can't get a credit card, can't get a checking account or can't balance a
checkbook if you do somehow get one!

Go to work, and make up horrible things about your partner. When they give
you advice on your lies, believe it. Pattern your behavior around it.

Get advice on your relationship from a family member who has repeatedly
abused and abandoned you in the past.

Get angry when you are worried about your partner leaving, and then yell,
scream, accuse and abuse them so they know how much they mean to you.

Go to jail for domestic violence on your Anniversary, Thanksgiving and
Christmas in the same year, and then tell everyone how much YOU hate holidays.

Stop yelling and being angry all the time, because your wife is wise to it
and has learned how to stop it. Instead, sigh and moan and groan constantly when
near her so she can't help but notice you now that you're being such a great
guy.

Make sure to put your wife into no win situations often, especially in front
of the kids. That way, no matter how she acts or reacts, she will look bad. As
a result, you look like the good guy.

Spend as much time working as possible, since those are the people who admire
you the most. Then, when you're home, remind your family about how loved you
are at work. Remind them frequently that something must be wrong with all of
them--everyone at work thinks you're the best.

Tell your kids often how they could be the best athlete, best student, best
everything if they would just work out, or study, or do everything just like
you. And when they don't do as you advise them, tell them what losers they are
and will be.

If you get angry about something be sure not to talk about the problem and to
clear it up. Instead be vague and insist that there is no point in discussing
it as it has been discussed a million times before but carry on about it and
make sure it remains a problem.

Remember you are perfect. It is always the other person's fault.

Abuse with an excuse: "I Did It Because I Love You".

Always remember...when expressing sorrow for having hurt the one you
love...do so by also explaining that had it NOT been for THEM...you COULD
never...you
WOULD never have committed such a horrendous act. Frequent use of this method
will not only guarantee your unhappiness as before long.....your spouse will
start to respond! Indeed! Misery loves company so use this one to your
advantage. Soon.....no one will find reason to smile!

Always remember...words without actions are meaningless, therefore...strive
to ensure continued contradictions between the two. An increased state of
confusion also increases the chances of UNhappiness. It may take some time but
nothing worth having comes withOUT a price!

If your spouse repeatedly attempts to explain the she's feeling alone,
neglected, frightened, abandoned, ignored or dismissed entirely...take a few
moments
to demonstrate how much you REALLY care by either: nodding your head, walking
away, grunting or MY personal favourite, by falling asleep. If she responds
with anger and frustration or God forbid, she indicates that she's feeling
deeply hurt.......express further concern by acknowledging that she clearly
needs
SOMEone to talk to. If you truly love her, offer to find her a good therapist.
If after years of dealing with her constant expectations, her continued
demands that if nothing else she deserves even a little respect...leave
her...she's
a b&%ch!  (Sorry Dr. I. - couldn't resist)

Always remember...you can repeat the SAME promise over and over and over
again but ONLY if you continually break the initial promise. If confronted with
this dilemma...never forget...it's not YOUR fault that someone ELSE'S behaviour
compels YOU to act in ways that constantly force YOU to apologize. This one is
fun as it allows you...the one who repeatedly breaks promises...to
demonstrate not only how intelligent you are but how incredibly righteous you
are as
well. WOW! You DO have a purpose!!!

"Be an emotional martyr! Wear a fake smile and never need help from anyone!
That way you can feel justifiably angry when people think that you never
experience any 'real problems'. Then one fine day, when you feel ready to spread
your vitriol, unload your tales of woe on somebody who looks too happy for you
to
take. This works best when you have no intention of dealing with what ails
you."

" 'It's not my fault. If only...' If only everybody did what you wanted, you
would not be in such misery, so blame everybody else, blame everything else,
blame it on Rio, the full moon, whatever, but it is not your fault. You are not
accountable to anyone, not even yourself!"

"Resentment is a dish best served hot, swimming in a rich sauce of
self-pity."

"Make this your mantra: Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, the world is
against me! Say it enough, and you'll be darned if it weren't true!"

"Be inconsistent and unpredictable in your affection toward your spouse. They
may never know if you truly love them, but at least they can't say you are
boring."

Make everyone feel guilty for not giving you enough attention and praise.

Make your wife feel guilty for not constantly noticing you and admiring you.

Make your kids feel guilty for not saying "thank you" when you do things with
them.

Let everyone know how lucky they are that you are in their presence.


     Always do right. That will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

~ Mark Twain


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse






[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Abuse/Recovery Book Recommendations:


When You and Your Mother Can't Be Friends: Resolving the Most Complicated
Relationship of Your Life by Victoria Secunda
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0385304234/templeofwisdo-20

Synopsis: Extensive research went into this detailed study of troubled
mother-daughter relationships and how these relationships can be improved,
usually
through the efforts of the daughter. Dysfunctional parents usually raise
dysfunctional children who pass the same behavior on to their children unless a
conscientious effort, often with the help of therapy, is made to break the
chain.
Practical advice on how to come to terms with, and often improve, unhealthy
mother-daughter bonds is offered through excerpts from many interviews and
quotes from experts. Serial rights to Cosmopolitan and Redbook will bring
additional attention to this book.

Review: Learn how your relationship with your mother colors your other
relationships and influences your choice of a mate, how to recognize the
difference
between a healthy or destructive mother-daughter relationship, how mothers
manipulate us and how we react, why you tend to become your mother's opposite-
or
her twin, how to find your truest self, and how to stop the cycle.

The book discusses the Bad Mommy Taboo, in which many in society refuse to
accept that a mother can be destructive to her children, but prefer to see all
moms as warm, loving, "America and apple pie" types. Great pressure is put on
adult children not to mention or discuss anything bad their mothers might do,
and to accept abuse because "she's your mother". A daughter who rebels or
stands up and tells the truth is often criticized by acquaintances, and even
outcast from the family. "And so the Bad Mommy on a cultural level gets
protected.
Or she protects herself. Or she is protected by her husband."

I found myself nodding in agreement as I related my own life testimony, as
well as other testimonies I have heard in the course of my ministry, to many of
the teachings in this book, especially the Bad Mommy Taboo. It is amazing just
how universal and pervasive this is. People with normal mothers find it
difficult to understand how it can be possible to have a destructive mother. But
the strange thing is that even those with very abusive, controlling, or
downright evil mothers can still be in deep denial concerning their mothers'
true
natures. Many continue to take the blame for an unsuccessful relationship and to
expose themselves to abuse, thinking there must be something wrong with them
because mom couldn't possibly be the problem. After all, moms are loving and
caring of their children, right?

Well, unfortunately for some adult children, that's not right, and
understanding this and realizing what is going on is the first step toward
healing. This
book is very helpful in that regard, and will teach us to recognize and deal
with such a mother, even if she is our own. It is also encouraging in helping
us tell the truth and protect ourselves over the objections of outsiders-
which includes other family members. We learn about the Evolution of the
Unpleasable Mother, and there are chapters covering different types of abusive
mothers,
including the Doormat, the Critic, the Smotherer, the Avenger, and the
Deserter. Part Three discusses how daughters react to our mothers'
destructiveness,
many by becoming the Angel, the Superachiever, the Cipher, the Troublemaker,
or the Defector.

In Part Four, we are given suggestions for breaking the cycle and redefining
the mother-daughter relationship. We are helped to understand what kind of
relationship, if any, might be possible for us to maintain with our own mother.
We might be able to achieve a genuine, loving, respectful friendship. We might
settle for a "truce" in which we manage to have a relationship on a limited
basis without compromising ourselves beyond our tolerance- one in which we
successfully enforce boundaries. Or the only way we may be able to survive might
be
to "divorce" our mother. One women explained,"....I've finally come to the
conclusion that I am much better off never seeing her again. She's just not good
for my mental health." We are encouraged to make divorce a last resort, and
to expect social censure from those who have their own reasons for not
understanding and feel it is their place to judge us.

The author tells us, "Of the women I interviewed who have divorced their
mothers, there isn't one who wouldn't have gladly sacrificed just about anything
to avoid the harrowing conclusion that it was the only alternative. What most
people fail to realize is that a daughter makes so heretical a move only after
years of trying to make it unnecessary." The reader is taught "that life- and
a healthy adulthood- may not include your mother."

This book is well-researched and well-balanced. Many suggestions are given
for trying to improve our relationship with our mother, but the reality that
this may not be possible is not denied. It is important to see how our
victimization influences our personality and impacts our other relationships,
and to
stop the cycle before it affects the next generation. Drawing on years of
research and hundreds of interviews, the author "shows you how to let go, gain
understanding and acceptance- or achieve a separate peace at last."


If You Had Controlling Parents: How to Make Peace with Your Past and Take
Your Place in the World by Dan Neuharth
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0060929324/templeofwisdo-20

Review: As Edmund Burke said, "The greater the power, the more dangerous the
abuse."

This is sometimes excruciatingly true with parents. There are the typically
anxious ones who get a little uptight about letting their teenagers borrow the
car, and then there are the rigid kinds who won't even let their kids leave
the house when they want to--or even eat or go to the bathroom when they need
to.

Written for the 14 million adult children who've survived an upbringing with
the latter type of parents, If You Had Controlling Parents takes the classic
Toxic Parents to a new level. Author Dan Neuharth, Ph.D., a family therapist,
knows his subject thoroughly; he survived a childhood with a father who has the
candor to refer to himself as "an S.O.B."

Neuharth says, "If your parents controlled you in unhealthy ways, they may
have planted land mines in your psyche." Research shows that behaviors and
traits exhibited by adult children of controlling parents include the following:
depression, low self-esteem, distorted self-image, eating disorders and other
addictions, stress-related health problems, inability to sustain an intimate
relationship, and more. While this may seem like a heavy lot to handle, Neuharth
maintains there's always hope of overcoming the past and changing
yourself--even if it means making the drastic move of cutting off contact with
one or both
of your parents.

He gives a lengthy self-test to determine if your parents were controlling;
gives profiles of eight typical styles of controlling parents to help you
better recognize how you may be presently affected by your upbringing; and then
delves into the process of understanding why your parents acted the way they did
in order to start healing emotionally. This is especially important, he says,
if you now have children of your own and want to stop the damaging cycle of
parental control. He doesn't give a cookie-cutter, one-size-fits-all recovery
plan, but rather suggests several "paths to healing" and exercises to help you,
as he terms it, "emotionally leave home." The book's subtitle--"A Guide for
Letting Go of Anxiety, Self-Blame and Perfectionism and Improving Assertiveness,
Boundaries and Confidence"--says it all. This is self-help at its best.--This
text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.


Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by
Susan Forward
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0553381407/templeofwisdo-20

Synopsis: All parents fall short from time to time. But Susan Forward pulls
no punches when it comes to those whose deficiencies cripple their children
emotionally. Her brisk, unreserved guide to overcoming the stultifying agony of
parental manipulation--from power trips to guilt trips and all other killers of
self worth--will help deal with the pain of childhood and move beyond the
frustrating relationship patterns learned at home.

Are you the child of toxic parents?

When you were a child...

• Did your parents tell you you were bad or worthless?
• Did your parents use physical pain to discipline you?
• Did you have to take care of your parents because of their problems?
• Were you often frightened of your parents?
• Did your parents do anything to you that had to be kept secret?

Now that you’re an adult...

• Do your parents still treat you as if you were a child?
• Do you have intense emotional or physical reactions after spending time
with your parents?
• Do your parents control you with threats or guilt? Do they manipulate you
with money?
• Do you feel that no matter what you do, it’s never good enough for your
parents?

In this remarkable self-help guide, Dr. Susan Forward draws on case histories
and the real-life voices of adult children of toxic parents to help you free
yourself from the frustrating patterns of your relationship with your parents
—
  and discover a new world of self-confidence, inner strength, and emotional
independence.


Abused Men by Philip W. Cook
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0275958620/templeofwisdo-20

Synopsis: When most people think of domestic violence, images of battered
women or abused children come to mind. But there is another side to this issue
that is not as familiar--abused men. This unique book is the first to
comprehensively examine this important but neglected social issue. Already
praised by a
diverse spectrum of readers--from "Dear Abby's" Abigail Van Buren, to the
nation's leading domestic violence researcher, to those in law enforcement and
counseling--this work is sure to spark controversy and discussion. It offers
gripping, emotional stories, self-help for victims, and provocative insight into
public issues, and provides a basic reference source for professionals. Abused
Men presents practical solutions for reducing domestic violence, whether its
victims are male or female.


The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming
Yourself by Beverly Engel
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0449906442/templeofwisdo-20

Review: For me, this book above all other self-help books on the subject I've
read really hit home. I was physically and emotionally abused for most of my
childhood. Once I grew up and left home I became involved with emotionally
abusive men again and again, for the last several years. I couldn't understand
why I always seemed to pick the wrong guy, and why life was so painful, and
demeaning. Through therapy and self-help books I was able to come to some
realizations. This book was so powerful that halfway through I had to put it
down for
some time because the personal truths I arrived at were so painful to face. I
hope any person out there who is going through or has been through an
emotionally abusive relationship will give this book a try. It is well worth it.


When Misery Is Company: Ending Self-Sabotage and Misery Addiction by Anne
Katherine
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1592850847/templeofwisdo-20

Synopsis: This book offers solutions to anyone who has felt victimized,
ostracized or left behind by life.

Why does happiness always seem to elude certain people? And why, when these
same people seem to be on the cusp of achieving happiness, do they sabotage
themselves?

This is the first book about addiction to misery, a common but subtle problem
that keeps many people from responding to counseling or therapy, healing from
old hurts, and experiencing fulfillment and joy. For people who are addicted
to misery, happiness itself is frightening and threatening. As a result, every
joy must be equalized by a setback. Too much success must be balanced by
failure.

People who are addicted to misery try to protect themselves against feeling
bad by not feeling too good. For them, happiness itself triggers a pattern of
decisions and behaviors that leads to emotional pain - pain that is comforting
in its familiarity. Because of the subtlety and contradictions of an addiction
to misery, many talented therapists and counselors may not recognize it and
those who have it often unable to see through it.

When Misery is Company not only explains the problem, it offers a practical,
step-by-step program for overcoming it-and living a life of joy and
fulfillment.


How to Say It for Couples: Communicating With Tenderness, Openness and
Honesty by Paul W. Coleman
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0735202613/templeofwisdo-20

Synopsis: Communication tools that can help lead the most difficult
conversations with loved ones. Couples, whether married or unmarried, living
together,
or dating, often complicate their relationship with ineffective communication.
It’s certainly no secret that the wrong word or phrase can transform a mild
disagreement into a stubborn standoff. With hundreds and hundreds of examples
of the best way to speak to one another, How to Say It® for Couples clarifies
the most common differences in communication style between the sexes so couples
won’t trip up.

More than just general communication advice, the book provides readers with
the phrases and words to use in specific situations or on specific topics, such
as in-laws, tying the knot, physical appearance, child-rearing, sex, and much
more. Throughout, this unique guide reveals the secrets of successful
communication, from how to cut back on nagging to what men especially need to do
when
they don’t want to talk. Readers will quickly discover their own conversation
strengths and weaknesses and learn how to say the right thing in any
situation.

Essential for anyone involved in a romantic relationship, How to Say It® for
Couples is a resource that couples can rely on for clear, concise,
state-of-the-art information about healthy, effective communication.


Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy
Bancroft
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0425191656/templeofwisdo-20


The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1558505822/templeofwisdo-20


Boundaries by Anne Katherine
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0671791931/templeofwisdo-20

Synopsis: Are Your Boundaries Being Violated?

Boundaries separate us from others physically and emotionally. In fact, they
are essential for our mental and physical health as well as for developing
healthy relationships. Yet every day, people's boundaries are violated by
friends, family, or coworkers. Despite the importance of personal boundaries
many
people are unaware of how or when these very important lines are crossed.

Which of the following are boundary violations?

Esther tells Betty a secret Mary told her.
Your therapist invites you to go for coffee.
Your boss wants to know the details of your personal life.
Your boss asks you if you'd like a hug.
Mom tells little Debbie about her troubles with Dad.
Your new neighbor pats you on the bottom as he turns away.
Your mother makes a comment about your being overweight.

All but one of the above incidents violate boundaries (your boss asks you if
you'd like a hug). In Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin, Anne Katherine
explains what healthy boundaries are, how to recognize if your personal
boundaries are being violated, and what you can do to protect yourself.

For anyone who has walked away from a conversation, a meeting, or a visit
with others feeling violated and not understanding why, this is a book that can
help.


Facing Love Addiction: Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0062506048/templeofwisdo-20

Synopsis: Mellody has written a lucid and informative book on a subject
little understood: love addiction. Speaking both from personal experience and a
clinical standpoint, she very carefully defines her terms, including "love
addict," "avoidance addict," and, of course, codependence. The last term she
carefully distinguishes from love addiction. She also includes information on
the
recovery process, the marks of a healthy relationship, and the process of
entering into a healthy relationship. The book concludes with a set of journal
exercises designed to help someone in recovery. Worthwhile reading that is
recommended for libraries serving both the professional and general reader.

A brilliant new guide to understanding the origins of codependence and the
path to recovery by a nationally recognized authority on dependency and
addiction. In this fresh new look at codependence, Pia Mellody traces the
origins of
this illness back to childhood, describing a whole range of emotional,
spiritual, intellectual, physical, and sexual abuses. Because of these earlier
experiences, codependent adults often lack the skills necessary to lead mature
lives
and have satisfying relationships.

Recovery from codependence comes from clearing up the toxic feelings left
over from childhood and learning to re parent oneself by intervening on the
adult
symptoms of codependence. Central to Mellody's concept is the idea of the
"precious child" that needs healing within each adult. She creates a framework
for identifying codependent behavior and describes an effective approach to
recovery that includes both therapy and self-help processes. Designed to be used
with her new workbook for codependents, Breaking Free, this is a powerful tool
for understanding the nature of codependence.


In the Meantime: Finding Yourself and the Love You Want by Iyanla Vanzant
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0684848066/templeofwisdo-20

Synopsis: Self-help counselor Vanzant talks about creative and honest use of
the "meantime" between relationships to help women (and men) avoid repeating
unproductive behaviors of the past. You know where you want to be, but you have
no clue how to get there. You know exactly what you want in life, but what
you want is nowhere in sight. Perhaps your vision is unclear, your purpose still
undefined. On top of it all, your relationships, particularly your romantic
relationships, are failing. If these scenarios feel familiar way down in the
deepest part of your gut -- then you, my dear, are smack dab in the middle of
the meantime.

Every living being wants to experience the light of love. The problem is that
our windows are dirty! The windows of our hearts and minds are streaked with
past pains and hurts, past memories and disappointments. In this book, Iyanla
Vanzant teaches us how to do our mental housekeeping so that we can clean the
windows, floors, walls, closets, and corners of our minds. If we do a good
job, our spirits will shine bringing in the light of true love and happiness.


Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes From, How It Sabotages Our
Lives by Pia Mellody
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0062505890/templeofwisdo-20

Synopsis: A brilliant new guide to understanding the origins of codependence
and the path to recovery by a nationally recognized authority on dependency
and addiction. In this fresh new look at codependence, Pia Mellody traces the
origins of this illness back to childhood, describing a whole range of
emotional, spiritual, intellectual, physical, and sexual abuses. Because of
these
earlier experiences, codependent adults often lack the skills necessary to lead
mature lives and have satisfying relationships.

Recovery from codependence comes from clearing up the toxic feelings left
over from childhood and learning to re parent oneself by intervening on the
adult
symptoms of codependence. Central to Mellody's concept is the idea of the
"precious child" that needs healing within each adult. She creates a framework
for identifying codependent behavior and describes an effective approach to
recovery that includes both therapy and self-help processes. Designed to be used
with her new workbook for codependents, Breaking Free, this is a powerful tool
for understanding the nature of codependence.


The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series) by Melody Beattie
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0894866370/templeofwisdo-20

Synopsis: The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie is an excellent tool
for anyone who wants to work through the painful process of ending an unhealthy
relationship and to become more independent, empowered, and healthier
themselves. Melody Beattie brings you 50 cards to help remind you that each day
you
can ask for and accept the healing energy of God and the Universe. Remember
that you are all part of, and one with, the continuous cycle of healing, and she
urges you to live according to the concepts of detachment and present-moment
living. Reflecting on the core issues of codependency, Melody Beattie
encourages readers to trust themselves on their journey to self-care. Each
meditation
is filled with the personal warmth and insight Beattie brings to all of her
books.

Excerpt: Today's thought is:

I was thirty-five years old the first time I spoke up to my mother and
refused to buy into her games and manipulation. I was terribly frightened and
almost
couldn't believe I was doing this. I found I didn't have to be mean. I didn't
have to start an argument. But I could say what I wanted and needed to say to
take care of myself. I learned I could love and honor myself, and still care
about my mother -- the way I wanted to -- the way she wanted me to.

--Anonymous

Who knows better how to push our buttons than family members? Who, besides
family members, do we give such power?

No matter how long we or our family members have been recovering,
relationships with family members can be provocative.

One telephone conversation can put us in an emotional and psychological
tailspin that lasts for hours or days.

Sometimes, it gets worse when we begin recovery because we become even more
aware of our reactions and our discomfort. That's uncomfortable, but good. It
is by beginning this process of awareness and acceptance that we change, grow,
and heal.

The process of detaching in love from family members can take years. So can
the process of learning how to react in a more effective way. We cannot control
what they do or try to do, but we can gain some sense of control over how we
choose to react.

Stop trying to make them act or treat us any differently. Unhook from their
system by refusing to try to change or influence them.

Their patterns, particularly their patterns with us, are their issues. How we
react, or allow these patterns to influence us, is our issue. How we take
care of ourselves is our issue.

We can love our family and still refuse to buy into their issues. We can love
our family but refuse their efforts to manipulate, control, or produce guilt
in us.

We can take care of ourselves with family members without feeling guilty. We
can learn to be assertive with family members without being aggressive. We can
set the boundaries we need and want to set with family members without being
disloyal to the family.

We can learn to love our family without forfeiting love and respect for
ourselves.

Today, help me start practicing self-care with family members. Help me know
that I do not have to allow their issues to control my life, my day, or my
feelings. Help me know it's okay to have all my feelings about family members,
without guilt or shame.


(*Awesome book!) Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls (a cosmic
perspective of codependence and the human condition) by Robert Burney
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0964838311/templeofwisdo-20

Review: A startling and persuasive new take on the new age by a Twelve Step
enthusiast. With a compelling writing style that doesn't just dance around the
subject. . . He works with wounded souls in his private practice, repairing
dysfunctional attitudes about human perfection. And his message is clear. We are
not just human creatures stumbling around finding ways to earn and justify a
spiritual nature. Just the opposite. We are Spiritual beings having a human
experience. And Burney drills home his zealous message. "We are not being
punished."

He examines organized religions, scientific principles, the scourge of aids,
other human conditions. And concludes that it's time we healed, purged
punishment, found our spiritual purpose, enjoyed life. He also confronts some of
the
new age channelers and psychics who shake fingers at those who fall to common
human frailty. Readers will find a penetrating synthesis of Twelve Step
Recovery, contemporary and ancient principles in his Cosmic Perspective.
Burney's
comments are innovative and inspiring, and may just be the answer for so many
seeking spiritual guidance. They ring of honesty, and they will cause many to
ponder.

Synopsis: This joyously inspirational Spiritual book presents a set of
beliefs about the meaning and purpose of life from a Cosmic Perspective that
combines Twelve Step Recovery Principles with Ancient Metaphysical Truths. It
explains why a New Age has dawned in human consciousness on planet Earth and
explores
the interrelationship between subjects that range from the Bible, Buddha, and
Jesus to quantum physics, molecular biology, and AIDS.

The belief system the book is based upon is exemplified by this quote from
The Dance of Wounded Souls: "We are not sinful, shameful human creatures who
have to somehow earn Spirituality. We are Spiritual Beings having a human
experience. We are here to experience and learn, to touch and to feel."

The author, a therapist who specializes in codependence/inner child healing,
not only explains the big picture of how we are all ONE, part of one Cosmic
energy interaction that is unfolding perfectly, he also offers insights into how
the individual being can lovingly change their relationship with self and
life in order to transform their human experience into a much more enjoyable
adventure. This is a life-changing, life-affirming book.

*Visit Burney’s website for lots of goodies from this amazing book!
http://www.joy2meu.com


Counter-Dependency: The Flight from Intimacy by Janae B. Weinhold, Barry K.
Weinhold
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1882056000/templeofwisdo-20

Synopsis: The first half of the book focuses on the developmental causes of
counter dependency and describes exactly what a child needs during between the
ages of one and three years. When these needs are not met, people develop
counter dependent behaviors that particularly cause difficulties in creating and
sustaining intimate adult relationships. The last half of the book presents
many case histories and experiential activities that show readers how to replace
these behaviors with more effective ones. The book concludes with a chapter
describing how Janae and Barry worked on their own counter dependent patterns.


The Inner Child Workbook: What to Do With Your Past When It Just Won't Go
Away by Cathryn L. Taylor
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/087477635X/templeofwisdo-20


Healing the Child Within by Charles Whitfield
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0932194400/templeofwisdo-20


Healing Your Aloneness : Finding Love and Wholeness Through Your Inner Child
by Margaret Paul, Erika J. Chopich
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0062501496/templeofwisdo-20



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

What would Jesus do? Codependency and Self-Care

by Don Smith

I have a dear friend who has been quite helpful to me in my recovery journey.
Every time I go off to do some teaching he will call me before I leave, and
ask, "So what are you going to teach about?" When I told him before this trip
that I was going to teach about self-care, he laughed and said, "You know the
old saying ‘You teach what you most need to learn.'"

Learning to do appropriate self-care has been a large part of my own journey
in recovery. He was right. This topic has been a difficult one for me
personally. Learning to do appropriate self-care has been a large part of my own
journey in recovery. I have come to believe that self-care is an absolutely
essential part of the recovery process. And yet we hear often in Christian
circles
that self-care is bad. Some Christians think of it as a kind of selfishness.
Others think it is sinful. So I think it's important to look at what the Bible
says about self-care.

The Bible and Self-Care

Some people are surprised that the Bible talks about self-care at all. It may
be difficult for us to see if we have been taught that self-care is selfish
and bad. But it is there.

Let's start by looking at Phillipians 2:4: "Each of you should look not only
to your own interests, but also to the interests of others." Notice that this
text assumes that you are going to look out for your own interests. And
knowing that is true, the text emphasizes that we should also be careful to
attend
to the needs of others. The text assumes that both are important. My interests
are important; other people's interests are important. The text does not say,
"Stop looking to your own interests, and pay attention only to the needs of
others." It acknowledges that we will look to our own interests, and it
encourages us to also look to the interests of others.

Another interesting text, which I often use when talking about boundaries, is
Galatians 6:2–5:

Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of
Christ. If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives
himself.
Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself,
without comparing himself to somebody else, for each one should carry his own
load.

When I was a young and very codependent Christian all I could hear in this
text was, You should take care of other people. It felt like I should carry
everyone else's burdens and my own burdens as well. Sometimes that didn't seem
fair. Shouldn't there be someone to carry my burdens? Couldn't we all just trade
burdens? Or take turns?

If you look more closely at this text, however, you find something very
interesting. This same text says, "Each one should carry his own load." Now, how
can we carry each other's burdens if each of us is carrying our own load? The
answer is that there is a difference between the Greek words used here for
"burden" and for "load." Every person has a load that he or she is supposed to
carry. And sometimes there are burdens that are so large that we can't carry
them
on our own. That is when we are to help each other. There is some stuff that
God expects us to take care of because it is our stuff. It is our load.

I think it's like backpacking. Each person carries their own pack with their
own clothes, their own sleeping bag, their own cook kit. If I try to carry
everyone else's stuff in my pack there is no way it is going to work. My
thoughts
belong in my backpack. Your thoughts belong in yours. As a codependent person
it is really easy for me to get into carrying your thoughts around in my
backpack. All I have to do is ask myself, What are people going to think? If I
start down that path, I will have a pack full of other people's thoughts. I will
start owning them as if they were my thoughts or my responsibility, and I may
even start changing my behavior so that I can change what I think other people
might be thinking. It's insane when you think about it. We start to make up
what we think other people are thinking. And then we start changing our
behavior based on what we've made up. That's what codependent people do all the
time.
As soon as we do that, we are carrying loads we were never intended to carry.


It's okay for me to have my own thoughts. They are part of my load, and I
need to carry them myself. It's okay for me to have my own attitudes. Even if I
choose to have a bad attitude sometimes, it can still be my bad attitude. It's
okay for me to have my own opinions. My own beliefs. My choices. My feelings.
My values. My behavior. My body. My money. You could add a lot of things to
this list that legitimately belong in my backpack. When Paul says each one is
supposed to "carry his own load" he is talking about the stuff that we are
responsible for just because we are human beings. Sometimes we expect other
people
to carry our stuff; for example, we might expect someone else to be
responsible for how we're going to feel today. And sometimes we expect ourselves
to
carry stuff that is not part of our load; for example, we might expect ourselves
to be responsible for how someone else is feeling. Both are inappropriate. The
biblical principle is really quite simple: Each of us must carry our own load,
and when we run into those huge burdens in life that none of us can carry by
ourselves, we are to help each other out.

What Would Jesus Do?
Another set of biblical texts that have been important for me are those that
talk about Jesus' strategies for self-care. One of the things that Jesus is
consistent in doing is in taking care of himself. If you are not used to looking
for this kind of thing in the Scriptures, it is easy to miss. But now that
I've been in recovery from codependency for a while, I look at lots of texts and
am amazed to discover how well Jesus takes care of his own needs. As a
codependent I was not able to do the kinds of things you see Jesus doing all the
time. Remember the story about Jesus in the temple on Passover when he was
twelve
years old? His parents leave. He hangs out in the temple. You might think
this was being irresponsible. He should have told his parents what he was doing.
But when his parents return he says to them, "Didn't you know I needed to be
in my Father's house?" (Luke 2:49). He didn't apologize. And he didn't start to
carry any of their anxiety or issues about the situation. I think that is a
remarkable example of maintaining healthy boundaries and appropriate self-care.


Or look at Jesus' example in Luke 5:15–16: "Yet the news about him spread all
the more, so that crowds of people came to hear him and to be healed of their
sicknesses. But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed." What would
you do if God gave you the ability to heal every person on whom you laid your
hands? If you go into a town, the news spreads rapidly. You clean out the
hospitals and the nursing homes. Everybody gets healed. It's on the national
news. Thousands of people are seeking you out. What's your first response?

I know what mine would be. My first response would be to see this as a
big-time opportunity. This is a time when I can reach millions with the Good
News. I
can preach to my heart's content. Because people are suffering and I have the
ability to stop that suffering, I should do more. I would undoubtedly kick
into my work addiction mode. There were years when I could work for three months
without taking a day off. I could stay on that high for a long, long time. If
I could heal people, I would kick into that mode and heal more people, and do
God's work. It would be too important an opportunity to let it slip by. No
one could say that I hadn't given it my all. Withdrawing to lonely places where
I could pray was never an option for me. I could never have said, "I have a
lot of stuff to do, but maybe I should take some time off and just be by
myself."

But that is exactly what Jesus did. "Jesus often withdrew to lonely places
and prayed." In all my years of being in the Christian community I have never
heard a sermon about this kind of self-care. But it is obvious that Jesus knew
how to take care of himself.

There were times when the disciples returned from a mission and Jesus said,
"We need to go off by ourselves and rest." One time when Jesus and his
disciples were walking through a field the disciples were hungry, so they ate
some of
the grain in the field. The Pharisees got upset about this because it violated
some of their religious rules. Jesus reminded them of a time when King David
was hungry and he went into a holy place where only the priests were allowed
to go, and he ate some of the sacred bread that was on the altar. He took care
of himself and his men, even when it meant breaking some religious rules.
Jesus insisted that it was a good thing to take care of our own needs, even when
it might feel like we are breaking religious rules.

Jesus went off by himself one day, and the disciples were searching for him.
When they found him they asked him where he had been. Jesus responded by
saying, "Let us go somewhere else—to the nearby villages—so I can preach
there
also" (Mark 1:38). If somebody with needs had been searching for me and I had
been off by myself resting, I would have experienced overwhelming guilt. I would
have said, "Oh, I am so sorry. I should have been here for you. I shouldn't
have been away that long." Not Jesus. He knew that self-care was too important
to neglect, and he didn't apologize for it. He felt no need to explain why he
was taking care of his own needs. The need for and appropriateness of self-care
was so obvious that it required no explanation.

Over-the-Rainbow Spirituality
Another set of biblical texts that have been helpful to me are texts about
life. Over and over again Jesus talks about giving us life. "I have come that
they may have life, and have it to the full" (John 10:10). Texts like this may
lead us to conclude that God wants us to have a life that is not full of
busyness, schedules and burdens, but a life that is full of joy, hope and peace.

Paul describes it well in Romans 15:13: "May the God of hope fill you with
all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the
power of the Holy Spirit." One of the things I love about Paul is that he
doesn't say, "I hope that you have some hope." He says, "I hope you abound."
That
is, "I hope you overflow with hope," and "I hope you are so full of hope that
you can't even begin to contain the hope that is in you." In Ephesians Paul
talks about God's ability to do "exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or
think" (Eph. 3:20, King James Version).

For many years of my life that abundance was only a carrot on the end of a
stick. It was the promised but never quite achievable payoff. I could get to the
carrot only if I worked hard at being really good. Eventually I would have
the joy and peace. Someday. Over the rainbow. Somewhere. It was what I would get
if I prayed enough and went to church enough and read my Bible enough and had
a good enough attitude. If I did all that stuff enough, then I'd get the good
stuff.

But I was doing everything I was supposed to do. I got up at 5:30 in the
morning and had my prayer time. I sacrificed. I tithed. I did everything right.
I
was a Pharisee of the Pharisees, actually. Yet I still couldn't seem to do it
well enough to have any chance of reaching the carrot. There was no joy and no
peace. As a result, I went through a major depression.

Well, the bottom line is pretty obvious. There is no way to do enough to earn
joy, peace and serenity. The only way I could have the good stuff was to
abandon my performance-oriented lifestyle and learn to receive from God. It
wasn't
until I decided to take care of myself that I began to experience some of the
hope and joy and peace that God wants us to experience in abundance.

Denial of Self
Some of us have a problem with taking care of ourselves because it just
doesn't seem right for us. This is often because we have been taught to "deny"
ourselves. On the one hand it is clear that God wants us to have abundant life,
the kind of life that can come only when we pay attention to what we need and we
take appropriate steps to respond. But on the other hand, what about Jesus'
command to deny ourselves? What about taking up our cross? Dying to self? How
do those texts fit into this picture?

Paul says, "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but
Christ lives in me" (Gal. 2:20). One of the things that strikes me about this
text
is that it includes two kinds of "I." There is the "I" that has been crucified
and is dead. And there is the "I" that lives. Why are there two Pauls here—
one dead, the other one living? This is a clear principle in Scripture. There is
an old self, and there is a new self.

I can tell you about my old self. I was raised in a family with a rage-aholic
mother and a workaholic father. Dad was gone. Our family owned a dairy farm
and a potato farm so that he could work seven days a week. For us kids the
question of the day was not if mom would explode, but when. When I got off the
bus
from school, it didn't matter what kind of day it had been. It didn't matter
if I had been beaten up on the playground. It didn't matter if I had done well
on a test. The only thing that mattered was where is Mom and how long will it
be before she explodes in rage. So I developed huge emotional antenna that
would pick up on what was happening emotionally in the house. My old self was
very aware of how other people feel. My old self was a people-pleasing person.
My old self was all about keeping people happy so they don't explode in rage. I
was very good at doing that. My old self was a good rescuer. When people got
into trouble they knew they could call me. My friends could get drunk and
wreck their cars, and they knew they could call me to come pick them up. I was
always available for everybody. My old self was a good manipulator. Once I knew
how other people were feeling I could play with that a bit and maybe get them
to do what I wanted them to do. My old self loved to control people. My old
self was also a wonderful worker; I got that from my father. But the old me was
a
miserable and hopeless person. I was very, very aware of what everyone else
wanted and needed but completely clueless about what I wanted and needed.

When I got saved I had a powerful experience with God. I knew that God loved
me. I knew that Jesus had died for me. I knew I could put my faith in God. But
I didn't really change. In fact, other than starting to keep all the rules—I
quit smoking and drinking and I started to listen to Christian radio and I
went to church five times a week—nothing really changed. Emotionally I was
still
the same old self. My "old man" had put on a Christian suit and had found a
lot of acceptance in doing so. But it was still my old self. I had not yet
experienced the kingdom of God in the way that God intended. It wasn't until I
went
through my depression—it wasn't until my burnout—that I began to realize
that when the Scriptures talk about denial of self or putting to death the old
self they are not adding another heavy weight to our to-do list. I see now that
"dying to self" means that God doesn't want me to be codependent anymore. It
means finding a different way of being in the world than the way I learned in
my dysfunctional family. God doesn't want me to be a workaholic anymore; that's
why he calls me to die to my old self. God doesn't want me to do all those
destructive things that I learned so well in order to survive in my family. God
doesn't even want me to do all those destructive things that I learned to do
so well to survive as a successful pastor. My old self is a raging codependent.
The more it dies, the better my life becomes. So "dying to self" may not be
such bad news after all.

What's my job?
When I was headed into my burnout phase, but before I really hit bottom, I
went to a pastors' retreat. During a worship time an image came to me of a huge
river. The river was the love and grace of God. It was deep and wide, and it
was flowing, so there was no way you could ever use it up. And the banks of the
river were full of people who were thirsty. In that image I saw myself
running down to the river, filling up cups with water, and then running back to
shore to give the cups to people who were thirsty. That was my job, but I knew
it
wasn't working. I was just getting tired. And the thirsty people were still
thirsty no matter how fast I ran back and forth to the river. However, I
resisted the idea that something was wrong. I even had a little argument with
God, in
which I insisted that those people were going to die of thirst if someone
didn't take them some water.

It was then that I had a revelation: If I waded out into the water and
started drinking because I was thirsty, then people who wanted to drink would
see
that and know where to get water themselves. Of course, it is so obvious now
that it seems silly to say it, but it was a completely radical concept to me.
You
mean I was just supposed to drink, myself? To get my own need for spiritual
refreshment filled? Was that my job?

Thinking that our job is to carry water for other people is a direct
reflection of the JOY mentality. Some of us were raised with this. The idea is
that
J-O-Y comes from putting Jesus first, Others second and Yourself last. That's
what I was doing. Because I loved Jesus I was committed to carrying water to the
thirsty. I didn't have time to notice whether I was thirsty. My job was to
carry water as fast as I could. I now have a completely different belief about
where joy comes from. The image I have is of a water fountain made of a stack
of bowls. At the top is a bowl that fills with water, which then spills out to
fill the bowls under it. The bowl at the top is me. God wants to fill that top
bowl until it overflows. And when it's full, it begins to overflow into other
people's lives. I can give out of abundance, but not out of need. I don't
need to deprive myself in order to give to others. The kingdom of God is not
about scarcity. Out of our abundance we can share with others. That's a whole
different approach to life.

Later in the process of recovery, when I was able to connect with the
little-boy part of me, I had flashbacks to what it felt like in the home of a
rage-aholic mother. My role in life was to take care of Mom so that she wouldn't
explode in rage. In many ways I was a surrogate spouse. I entertained her. I
played cards with her. I did things with her. All the things that Dad didn't do.
As
long as she was placated, she would not explode. When I was able to connect
with that little-boy part of me, I experienced a primitive feeling of I want
someone to take care of me. The foundation of all my drivenness, the foundation
of my need to take care of other people, was this fantasy: If I take care of
other people enough, maybe someday they will take care of me. If I make enough
trips into the river and bring back enough cups full of water to the thirsty
people, then maybe someone will say, "Why don't you sit down, and I'll bring
you some water." I was not aware of it at the time, but the root motivation of
much of what I did as a pastor was this very painful fantasy. I thought that if
I did enough, maybe "they" would take care of me. If I am good enough, maybe
somehow I will have an experience with a good, nurturing mother who will take
care of my needs, rather than the other way around.

Now, the painful truth that I needed to learn was that not even God was going
to take care of me in that way. God was not going to be the biggest
codependent of all—the one who can run back and forth to the river better than
any of
the rest of us. Instead, God was going to help me learn appropriate self-care.
There was room in the river for me. If I take the time to experience my own
thirst, if I have the courage to wade out into the water because it is what I
need, there will be refreshment for me.

It's sort of like this: If I'm responsible for a vehicle, I can't just say,
"I'm going to drive this vehicle to the glory of God and trust God to change
the oil." That doesn't make any sense. But that is exactly what Christian
codependents do with their lives. We don't take care of ourselves. We live our
lives
and trust God to change the oil. God is a very healthy individual. Just
because we are dysfunctional doesn't mean that God is going to rescue us the way
we
want to be rescued. Just because I have an unrealistic expectation that God
is going to change the oil in my car doesn't mean that God is going to do that
for me. Sometimes the only way that my needs are going to get met is for me to
take the responsibility for meeting them. If the need is in my backpack—if it
is my load—then part of being the new person that God is helping me become is
to carry that load.

Hearing God
The first steps toward taking better care of myself were very difficult. I
was so full of anxiety and so driven that I did three or four things at a time.
I remember when my therapist suggested that I do one thing at a time—like not
trying to get something else done while I'm talking on the phone. It was a new
concept to me. He also gave me the assignment of taking one day a week off.
Most normal people take two days off each week, but I guess he knew there was
no way I could start at that advanced level. As it turned out I was miserable
taking one day off. I used to get angry because it felt like such a waste of
time. I had no room for Sabbath in my life. It just made me miserable and angry.
After all, I was doing God's work. That's what I was supposed to do. Not
rest. So at first I made excuses. I weaseled my way out of it for a while. I'd
take half a day off. I'd make excuses about emergencies. I remember going to the
beach and being miserable because I wasn't getting anything done. I was
wasting time. But finally there came a day when I enjoyed it.

It's been a long time since that first effort. Now I take two days off a
week, and I spend them doing things I love. I love to canoe, and I love to hike.
Five years ago things like that would have seemed selfish. At the beginning,
taking care of ourselves can feel incredibly selfish and can seem like a waste
of time. But later on we find that it is okay to have a life. I can enjoy life
now. I can respect the desires and needs that God has put into me.

Recently I climbed to the top of a mountain. By myself. The view from the top
was spectacular. I was moved by the wonder of God's creation. And I just
stood there for a while. Eventually I heard a quiet voice saying, "When I
created
it, I had you in mind." I am able to receive that now. But only because I went
through a lot of difficult days when it seemed like a waste of time. I had to
struggle with those inner voices that insisted, "You should be working hard."
Slowly, with a lot of help, I was able to quiet those voices enough to begin
again to hear the gentle, loving voice of God. And that has made all the hard
work more than worth the effort.



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Codependency: When You Give Until It Hurts

Frederick A. Levy LCSW

Do You:

Feel responsible for others?
Never have time for you?
Feel that life never lets up?
Never have time for fun?
Give past the point of pain?
Wonder if it will ever be your turn?
Barely have time to read this list?

Familiar?

Then read on!

  What is codependency?

Codependency is an disorder that describes the compulsive need to take care
of other people at the expense of appropriate and necessary self care.
Codependents have a difficult time recognizing their own feelings and needs, and
sometimes feel "swallowed up" by the people around them.

Where does codependency come from?

Codependency originally described the condition of spouses and family members
of alcoholics. As alcohol continued to cause progressively worsening
problems, the rest of the family found that they needed to assume more and more
responsibility in order to keep the family afloat. Survivors of alcoholic homes
discovered that this pattern of survival became a way of life, going far beyond
the life of the family. For Adult Children of Alcoholics, caretaking and
rescuing others became the only life imaginable.

In time, therapists discovered that codependency could also emerge from
families with other severe problems, such as: sexual abuse; drug addiction;
chronic
illnesses; a variety of addictive and/or compulsive behaviors (such as
gambling); and rigid, authoritarian rules with a "no talk rule" around the
expression of feelings. As they emerged from these backgrounds, codependents
learned
that their well being and sense of safety depended on controlling the behavior
of others.

What is codependent behavior?

As a rule, codependents have difficulty identifying what they need. They
often can't tell what they feel; sometimes they just feel numb - too numb to
sense
their own fear. They can justify rescuing others in the name of love and
concern, but don't seem to know their own limits.

As a result, codependents can be prone to depression, physical illness, or
job "burnout." They routinely overtax themselves, feeling guilty if they take
time for their own self care. They seem incapable of relaxing, but seem forever
to be giving, rarely allowing themselves to receive. Their friendships consist
of caseloads of needy people; yet, codependents rarely feel that they are
doing enough for others. They have a hard time saying "no." In the work setting,
they may put in endless overtime (sometimes without pay), but fear they are
frauds and incompetents, feeling grateful they still have jobs.

They may go from one unsatisfying relationship to another, mystified at how
they fall prey to such an endless stream of "losers." Most ironically,
codependents may themselves suffer from compulsive and addictive patterns,
including
addictions to: destructive relationships; work; overeating and other eating
disorders; excitement and chaos; and sometimes substance abuse. They fee sad,
deeply alone, drained, and often desperate. They wish that someone could hear
their pain.

What treatments are available for codependency?

Codependency can be treated with a variety of treatment strategies,
including: individual; marital; family; and group therapies. Thousands have been
helped
through 12 Step self help groups, especially Adult Children of Alcoholics
groups through Al-Anon, and CODA (Codependency Anonymous). In the safety of
therapy and/or self help, Survivors can: share their pain; identify patterns of
coping that maintain codependency; raise self esteem; and learn new ways of
addressing their concerns. Help provides a place where Survivors can stop having
to
control others and finally reclaim their lives.




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The Jesus Who Didn't Please Others The Jesus Who Didn't Please Others

by PETER ROBBINS AND KEVIN DOWNING

Jesus Christ was a tremendous disappointment to almost everyone who knew and
loved him at one time or another. He was a Savior who never freed God's people
from the oppressive Roman rule. Jesus was a Chosen One who began to wipe out
human hunger with five loaves of bread and two fish, but who quickly gave it
up. Jesus was a Christ who could have physically healed everyone if he hadn't
spent so much time with his friends in the desert. Jesus was the Coming King
who was born in a feeding trough in a barn and who had a name as common as Joe.
And Jesus was the Lord of heaven and earth, yet he was crucified - the most
humiliating of deaths.

Jesus did not please everyone. It was not his strategy to make people happy
at any cost. Jesus did not please everyone. It was not his strategy to make
people happy at any cost. Jesus did, however, know his calling with razor sharp
accuracy and was determined to fulfill it. Somehow Jesus could look beyond the
misguided demands of people and see eternal needs.

As a result, Jesus served like no other. But he served in ways that people
did not expect. As Christians we are also called to serve. But our efforts at
serving others easily become distorted. Seven different misconceptions about
servanthood produce great pain in our lives and the lives of others.

Misconceptions of Servanthood

Misconception #1: The depth of my servanthood is measured by how happy I make
those around me. The truth is that Jesus did not make everyone around him
happy. In fact, he was eventually crucified by those whom he loved. When we live
for Christ the Bible tells us that we may experience persecution - even by our
loved ones at times. See: Gal 1:10, Ps 55:12-14, Matt. 5:11-12; John 15:20

Misconception #2: To be a servant I must become something like a robot -
brainless and uncreative - or I must do the opposite of everything I dream and
desire. The truth is that Christ came that we might use all of our God-given
gifts, including our mind and creativity. The more we become like Christ, the
more
our will and God's will become one. We will desire God's will and God will be
a cheerleader for us. See: Psalm 20:4, 37:4, 103:5, 145:19; Ro. 8:5

Misconception #3: When I "die to the flesh," I die as a person as a
punishment for my sinful nature. The truth is that dying to the 'flesh' or the
'self'
does not mean to kill our bodies or our personalities - that's suicide!!! Dying
to the flesh is the choice to act out of grace rather than out of shame, hurt
or revenge. Rather than punishment, dying to the flesh allows us to become
the grace-full people we long to be. See: Matt. 16:24-26; Ro. 6:13, 12:1-2; I
Peter 2:24, 4:10; II Tim. 1:6-7; John. 10:10

Misconception #4: Servanthood involves no risk because when we have truly
given all to Christ, God takes all the responsibility for every decision. The
truth is that God allows us to grapple with the gray areas of life so that we
might grow spiritually and expand our wisdom and knowledge. See: James 1:2-4; I
Peter 5:7; Phil.. 2:12-13

Misconception #5: There is one Perfect path for each person's servanthood.
The truth is that perfectionism has no place in Godly living. It reduces us to a
crazy mechanical life far different from the life of intimate grace to which
God has called us. We learn the fine points of this new life partly through
trial and error. See: Phil. 3:12; Ro. 8:28; Eph. 2:8-10

Misconception #6: True Servanthood has no place for rest or recreation -
there is no time to be built up when other people are hurting and need our help.
The truth is that to fulfill God's calling in our life we must be a good
steward of our temple (i.e. our body). That means rest, fellowship, solitude,
education - and yes, while others are hurting. Jesus often left the needy crowds
to
be with his friends, and his Father, in quiet places free of distraction and
business. See: Matt. 11:28-29, Mk. 6:31; Heb 4:3

Misconception #7: Servanthood guarantees that others will acknowledge and
appreciate our efforts and therefore take care of our needs in return. The truth
is that servanthood is not giving in order to get. Great fulfillment is
waiting for those who serve others, yet there are times to stop giving so we may
be
restored. This restoration is not selfishness - rather it is good stewardship.
See: II Tim. 4:7-8; Luke 5:16; John 11:54

Recovery from people-pleasing behaviors is not easy. It requires us to
identify our misconceptions about servanthood, to clarify our true calling to
mutual, respectful service and to identify the unresolved pain which is at the
root
of our people-pleasing life styles.

Kevin Downing and Peter Robbins are therapists at Turning Point Counseling in
Diamond Bar, California. Copyright 1991, used with permission.


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Dealing With Manipulative People
An Excerpt from the book: In Sheep's Clothing
By George K. Simon

Two Basic Types of Aggression

There are two basic types of aggression: overt-aggression and
covert-aggression. When you're determined to have something and you're open,
direct and
obvious in your manner of fighting, your behavior is best labeled overtly
aggressive. When you're out to "win," dominate or control, but are subtle,
underhanded
or deceptive enough to hide your true intentions, your behavior is most
appropriately labeled covertly aggressive. Now, avoiding any overt display of
aggression while simultaneously intimidating others into giving you what you
want is
a powerfully manipulative maneuver. That's why covert-aggression is most
often the vehicle for interpersonal manipulation.

Acts of Covert-Aggression vs. Covert-Aggressive Personalities

Most of us have engaged in some sort of covertly aggressive behavior from
time to time. Periodically trying to manipulate a person or a situation doesn't
make someone a covert-aggressive personality. Personality can be defined by the
way a person habitually perceives, relates to and interacts with others and
the world at large. The tactics of deceit, manipulation and control are a
steady diet for covert-aggressive personality. It's the way they prefer to deal
with others and to get the things they want in life.

The Process of Victimization

For a long time, I wondered why manipulation victims have a hard time seeing
what really goes on in manipulative interactions. At first, I was tempted to
fault them. But I've learned that they get hoodwinked for some very good
reasons:

A manipulator's aggression is not obvious. Our gut may tell us that they're
fighting for something, struggling to overcome us, gain power, or have their
way, and we find ourselves unconsciously on the defensive. But because we can't
point to clear, objective evidence they're aggressing against us, we aren't
readily validating our feelings.
The tactics manipulators use can make it seem like they're hurting, caring,
defending, ....almost anything but fighting. These tactics are hard to
recognize as merely clever ploys. They always make just enough sense to make a
person
doubt their gut hunch that they're being taken advantage of or abused.
Besides, the tactics not only make it hard for you to consciously and
objectively
tell that a manipulator is fighting, but they also simultaneously keep you on
the
defensive. These features make them highly effective psychological weapons to
which anyone can be vulnerable. It's hard to think clearly when someone has
you emotionally on the run.

All of us have weaknesses and insecurities that a clever manipulator might
exploit. Sometimes, we're aware of these weaknesses and how someone might use
them to take advantage of us. For example, I hear parents say things like:
"Yeah, I know I have a big guilt button." but at the time their manipulative
child
is busily pushing that button, they can easily forget what's really going on.
Besides, sometimes we're unaware of our biggest vulnerabilities. Manipulators
often know us better than we know ourselves. They know what buttons to push,
when and how hard. Our lack of self-knowledge sets us up to be exploited.

What our gut tells us a manipulator is like challenges everything we've been
taught to believe about human nature. We've, been inundated with a psychology
that has us seeing everybody, at least to some degree, as afraid, insecure or
"hung-up." So, while our gut tells us we're dealing with a ruthless conniver,
our head tells us they must be really frightened or wounded "underneath."
What's more, most of us generally hate to think of ourselves as callous and
insensitive people. We hesitate to make harsh or seemingly negative judgments
about
others. We want to give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they don't
really harbor the malevolent intentions we suspect. We're more apt to doubt and
blame ourselves for daring to believe what our gut tells us about our
manipulator's character.

Recognizing Aggressive Agendas

Accepting how fundamental it is for people to fight for the things they want
and becoming more aware of the subtle, underhanded ways people can and do
fight in their daily endeavors and relationships can be very consciousness
expanding. Learning to recognize an aggressive move when somebody makes one and
learning how to handle oneself in any of life's many battles has turned out to
be
the most empowering experience for the manipulation victims with whom I've
worked. It's how they eventually freed themselves from their manipulator's
dominance and control and gained a much needed boost to their own sense of self
esteem. Recognizing the inherent aggression in manipulative behavior and
becoming
more aware of the slick, surreptitious ways that manipulative people prefer to
aggress against us is extremely important. Not recognizing and accurately
labeling their subtly aggressive moves causes most people to misinterpret the
behavior of manipulators and, therefore, fail to respond to them in an
appropriate
fashion. Recognizing when and how manipulators are fighting with us is
essential.

Defense Mechanisms and Offensive Tactics

Almost everyone is familiar with the term defense mechanism. Defense
mechanisms are the "automatic" (i.e. unconscious) mental behaviors all of us
employ to
protect or defend ourselves from the "threat" of some emotional pain. More
specifically, ego defense mechanisms are mental behaviors we use to "defend" our
self-images from "invitations" to feel ashamed or guilty about something.
There are many different kinds of ego defenses and the more traditional
psychodynamic theories of personality have always tended to distinguish the
various
personality types, at least in part, by the types of ego defenses they prefer to
use. One of the problems with psychodynamic approaches to understanding human
behavior is that they tend to depict people as most always afraid of something
and defending or protecting themselves in some way; even when they're in the
act of aggressing. Covert-aggressive personalities (indeed all aggressive
personalities) use a variety of mental behaviors and interpersonal maneuvers to
help ensure they get what they want. Some of these behaviors have been
traditionally thought of as defense mechanisms.

While, from a certain perspective we might say someone engaging in these
behaviors is defending their ego from any sense of shame or guilt, it's
important
to realize that at the time the aggressor is exhibiting these behaviors, he is
not primarily defending (i.e. attempting to prevent some internally painful
event from occurring), but rather fighting to maintain position, gain power and
to remove any obstacles (both internal and external) in the way of getting
what he wants. Seeing the aggressor as on the defensive in any sense is a set-up
for victimization. Recognizing that they're primarily on the offensive
mentally prepares a person for the decisive action they need to take in order to
avoid being run over.

Therefore, I think it's best to conceptualize many of the mental behaviors
(no matter how "automatic" or "unconscious" they may appear) we often think of
as defense mechanisms as offensive power tactic because aggressive
personalities employ them primarily to manipulate, control and achieve dominance
over
others. Rather than trying to prevent something emotionally painful or dreadful
from happening, anyone using these tactics is primarily trying to ensure that
something they want to happen does indeed happen. Using the vignettes presented
in the previous chapters for illustration, let's take a look at the principal
tactics covert-aggressive personalities use to ensure they get their way and
maintain a position of power over their victims:

Denial -This is when the aggressor refuses to admit that they've done
something harmful or hurtful when they clearly have. It's a way they lie (to
themselves, as well. As, others) about their aggressive intentions. This "Who...
Me?"
tactic is a way of "playing innocent," and invites the victim to feel
unjustified in confronting the aggressor about the inappropriateness of a
behavior.
It's also the way the aggressor gives him/herself permission to keep right on
doing what, they want to do. This denial is not the same kind of denial that a
person, who has just lost a loved one and can't quite bear to accept the pain
and reality of the loss, engages in. That type of denial really is mostly a
"defense" against unbearable hurt and anxiety.

Rather, this type of denial is not primarily a "defense" but a maneuver the
aggressor uses to get others to back off, back down or maybe even feel guilty
themselves for insinuating he's doing something wrong. In the story of James
the minister, James' denial of his ruthless ambition is massive. He denied he
was hurting and neglecting his family. He especially denied he was aggressively
pursuing any personal agenda. On the contrary, he cast himself as the humble
servant to an honorable cause. He managed to convince several people (and maybe
even himself) of the nobility and purity of his intentions.

But underneath it all, James knew he was being dishonest: This fact is borne
out in his reaction to the threat of not getting a seat on the Elders' Council
if his marital problems worsened. When James learned he might not get what he
was so aggressively pursuing after all, he had an interesting "conversion"
experience. All of a sudden, he decided he could put aside the Lord's bidding
for a weekend and he might really need to devote more time to his marriage and
family. James' eyes weren't opened by the pastor's words. He always kept his
awareness high about what might hinder or advance his cause. He knew if he
didn't tend to his marriage he might lose what he really wanted. So, he chose
(at
least temporarily) to alter course.

In the story of Joe and Mary, Mary confronted Joe several times about what
she felt was insensitivity and ruthlessness on his part in his treatment of
Lisa. Joe denied his aggressiveness. Be also successfully convinced Mary that
what
she felt in her gut was his aggressiveness was really conscientiousness,
loyalty, and passionate fatherly concern. Joe wanted a daughter who got all A's.
Mary stood in the way. Joe's denial was the tactic he used to remove Mary as an
obstacle to what he wanted.

Selective Inattention -This tactic is similar to and sometimes mistaken for
denial. It's when the aggressor "plays dumb," or acts oblivious. When engaging
in this tactic, the aggressor actively ignores the warnings, pleas or wishes
of others, and in general, refuses to pay attention to everything and anything
that might distract them from pursuing their own agenda. Often, the aggressor
knows full well what you want from him when he starts to exhibit this "I don't
want to hear it!" behavior. By using this tactic, the aggressor actively
resists submitting himself to the tasks of paying attention to or refraining
from
the behavior you want him to change. In the story of Jenny and Amanda, Jenny
tried to tell Amanda she was losing privileges because she was behaving
irresponsibly.

But Amanda wouldn't listen. Her teacher tried to tell her what she needed to
do to improve her grade: but she didn't listen to them either. Actively
listening to and heeding the suggestions of someone else are, among other
things,
acts of submission. And, as you may remember from the story, Amanda is not a
girl who submits easily. Determined to let nothing stand in her way and
convinced
she could eventually "win" most of her power struggles with authority figures
through manipulation, Amanda closed her ears. She didn't see any need to
listen. From her point of view, she would only have lost some power and control
if
she submitted herself to the guidance and direction offered by those whom she
view as less powerful, clever and capable as herself.

Rationalization -A rationalization is the excuse an aggressor tries to offer
for engaging in an inappropriate or harmful behavior. It can be an effective
tactic, especially when the explanation or justification the aggressor offers
makes just enough sense that any reasonably conscientious person is likely to
fall for it. It's a powerful tactic because it not only serves to remove any
internal resistance the aggressor might have about doing what they want to do
(quieting any qualms of conscience they might have) but also to keep others off
their back. If the aggressor can convince you they're justified in whatever
they're doing, then they're freer to pursue their goals without interference. In
the story of little Lisa, Mary felt uneasy about the relentlessness with
which Joe pursued his quest to make his daughter an obedient, all-A student once
again. And, she was aware of Lisa's expressed desire to pursue counseling as a
means of addressing and perhaps solving some of her problems.

Although she felt uneasy about Joe's forcefulness and sensed the impact on
her daughter, she allowed herself to become, persuaded by his rationalizations
that any concerned parent ought to know his daughter better than some
relatively dispassionate outsider and that he was only doing his duty by doing
as much
as he possibly could to "help" his "little girl." When a manipulator really
wants to make headway with their rationalizations they'll be sure their excuses
are combined with other effective tactics. For example, when Joe was "selling"
Mary on the justification for shoving his agenda down everyone's throat he
was also sending out subtle invitations for her to feel ashamed (Shaming her for
not being as "concerned" a parent as he was) as well as to feel guilty
(guilt-tripping her) for not being as conscientious as he was pretending to be.

Diversion -A moving target is hard to hit. When we try to pin a manipulator
down or try to keep a discussion focused on a single issue or behavior we don't
like, they're expert at knowing how to change the subject, dodge the issue or
in some way throw us a curve. They use distraction and diversion techniques
to keep the focus off their behavior, move us off-track, and keep themselves
free to promote their self-serving hidden agendas.

..............Rather than respond directly to the issue being addressed,
Amanda diverted attention to her teacher's and classmates' treatment of her.
Jenny
allowed Amanda to steer: her off track. She never got a straight answer to
the question. Another example of a diversion tactic can be found in the story of
Don and Al.

Al changed the subject when Don asked him if he had any plans to replace him.
He focused on whether he was unhappy or not with Don's sales performance, as
if that's what Don had asked him about in the first place. He never gave him
straight answer to a straight question (manipulators are notorious for this).
He told him what he thought would make Don feel less anxious and would steer
him away from pursuing the matter any further. Al left feeling like he'd gotten
an answer, but all he really got was the "runaround." Early in the current
school year, I found it necessary to address my son's irresponsibility about
doing his homework by making a rule that he bring his books home every night.
One
time I asked: "Did you bring your books home today?" His response was: "Guess
what, Dad.

Instead of tomorrow, we're not going to have our test-until Friday." My
question was simple and direct. His answer was deliberately evasive and
diversionary. He knew that, if he answered the question directly and honestly,
he would
have received a consequence for failing to bring his books home. By using
diversion: (and also offering a rationalization) he was already fighting with me
to
avoid that consequence. Whenever someone is not responding directly to an
issue, you can safely assume that for some reason, they're trying to give you
the
slip.

Lying -It's hard to tell when a person is lying at the time they're doing it.
Fortunately, there are times when the truth will come out because
circumstances don't bear out somebody's story, but there are times when you
don't know
you've been deceived until it's too late. One way to minimize the chances that
someone will put one over on you is to remember that because aggressive
personalities of all types will generally stop at nothing to get what they want,
you
can expect them to lie and cheat. Another thing to remember is that
manipulators -covert-aggressive personalities that they are -are prone to lie in
subtle,
covert ways.

Someone was well aware of the many ways there are to lie when they suggested
that court oaths charge a person to tell "the truth, the whole truth, and
nothing but the truth " Manipulators often lie by withholding a significant
amount
of the truth from you or by distorting the truth. They are adept at being
vague when you ask them direct questions. This is an especially slick way of
lying by omission. Keep this in mind when dealing with a suspected wolf in
sheep's
clothing. Always seek and obtain specific, confirmable information.

Covert Intimidation -Aggressors frequently threaten their victims to keep
them anxious, apprehensive and in a one-down position. Covert-aggressives
intimidate their victims by making veiled (subtle, indirect or implied) threats.
Guilt-tripping -This is one of the covert-aggressives two favorite weapons (the
other is shaming). It's a special kind of intimidation tactic. One thing that
aggressive personalities know well is that other types of persons have very
different consciences than they do. Manipulators are often skilled at using what
they know to be the greater conscientiousness of their victims as a means of
keeping them in a self-doubting, anxious, and submissive position. The more
conscientious the potential victim, the more effective guilt is as a weapon.

Aggressive personalities of all types use guilt-tripping so frequently and
effectively as a manipulative tactic, that I believe it illustrates how
fundamentally different in character they are compared to other (especially
neurotic)
personalities. All a manipulator has to do is suggest to the conscientious
person that they don't care enough, are too selfish, etc., and that person
immediately starts to feel bad. On the contrary, a conscientious person might
try
until they're blue in the face to get a manipulator (or any other aggressive
personality to feel badly about a hurtful behavior, acknowledge responsibility,
or admit wrongdoing, to absolutely no avail.

Shaming -This is the. technique of using subtle sarcasm and put-downs as a
means of increasing fear and self-doubt in others. Covert-aggressives use this
tactic to make others feel inadequate or unworthy, and therefore, defer to
them. It's an effective way to foster a continued sense of personal inadequacy
in
the weaker party, thereby allowing an aggressor to maintain a position of
dominance. When Joe loudly proclaimed any "good" parent would do just as he was
doing to help Lisa, he subtly implied Mary would be a "bad" parent if she didn't
attempt to do the same. He "invited" her to feel ashamed of herself. The
tactic was effective. Mary eventually felt ashamed for taking a position that
made
it appear she didn't care enough about her own daughter. Even more doubtful
of her worth as a person and a parent, Mary deferred to Joe, thus enabling him
to rein a position of dominance over her. Covert-aggressives are expert at
using shaming tactics in the most subtle ways.

Sometimes it can just be in the glances they give or the tone of voice they
use. Using rhetorical comments, subtle sarcasm and other techniques, they can
invite you to feel ashamed of yourself for even daring to challenge them. I
remember how Joe tried to shame me when I considered accepting the educational
assessment performed by Lisa's school. He said something like: "I'm not sure
what kind of doctor you are or just what kind of credentials you have, but I'm
sure you'd agree that a youngster's grades wouldn't slip as much as Lisa's for
no reason. You couldn't be entirely certain she didn't have a learning
disability unless you did some testing, could you?' With those words, he
"invited" me
to feel ashamed of myself for not at least considering doing just as he asked.
If I didn't have a suspicion about what he was up to, I might have accepted
this invitation without a second thought.

Playing the Victim Role -This tactic involves portraying oneself as an
innocent victim of circumstance or someone else's behavior in order to gain
sympathy, evoke compassion and thereby get something from another. One thing
that
covert-aggressive personalities count on is the fact that less calloused and
hostile personalities usually can't stand to see anyone suffering. Therefore,
the
tactic is simple. Convince your victim you're suffering in some way, and
they'll try to relieve your distress.

In, the story of Amanda and Jenny, Amanda was good at playing the victim role
too. She had her mother believing that she (Amanda) was the victim of
extremely unfair treatment and the target of unwarranted hostility. I remember
Jenny
telling me: "Sometimes I think Amanda's wrong when she says her teacher hates
her and I hate her. But what if that's what she really believes? Can I afford
to be so firm with her if she believes in her heart that I hate her?" I
remember telling Jenny "Whether Amanda has come to believe her own distortions
is
almost irrelevant. She manipulates you because you believe that she believes it
and allow that supposed belief to serve as an excuse for her undisciplined
aggression."

Vilifying the Victim -This tactic is frequently used in conjunction with the
tactic of playing the victim role. The aggressor uses this tactic to make it
appear he is only responding (i.e. defending himself against) aggression on the
part of the victim. It enables the aggressor to better put the victim on the
defensive.

Returning again to the story of Jenny and Amanda, when Amanda accuses her
mother of "hating" her and "always saying mean things" to her, she not only
invites Jenny to feel the "bully," but simultaneously succeeds in "bullying"
Jenny
into backing off. More than any other, the tactic of vilifying the victim is a
powerful means of putting someone unconsciously on the defensive while
simultaneously masking the aggressive intent and behavior of the person using
the
tactic.

Playing the Servant Role -Covert-aggressives use this tactic to cloak their
self-serving agendas in the guise of service to a more noble cause. It's a
common tactic but difficult to recognize. By pretending to be working hard on
someone else's behalf, covert-aggressives conceal their own ambition, desire for
power, and quest for a position of dominance over others. In the story of James
(the minister) and Sean, James appeared to many to be the tireless servant.
He attended more activities than he needed to attend and did so eagerly. But if
devoted service to those who needed him was his aim, how does one explain the
degree to which James habitually neglected his family?

As an aggressive personality, James submits himself to no one. The only
master he serves is his own ambition.. Not only was playing the servant role an
effective tactic for James, but also it’s the cornerstone upon which corrupt
ministerial empires of all types are built. A good example comes to mind in the
recent true story of a well-known televangelist who locked himself up in a room
in a purported display of "obedience" and "service" to God. He even portrayed
himself' a willing sacrificial lamb who was prepared to be "taken by God" if
he didn't do the Almighty's bidding and raise eight million dollars. He claimed
he was a humble servant, merely heeding the Lord's will. He was really
fighting to save his substantial material empire.

Another recent scandal involving a televangelist resulted in his church's
governance body censuring him for one year. But he told his congregation he
couldn't stop his ministry because he had to be faithful to the Lord's will (God
supposedly talked to him and told him not to quit). This minister was clearly
being defiant of his church's established authority. Yet, he presented himself
as a person being humbly submissive to the "highest" authority. One hallmark
characteristic of covert-aggressive personalities is loudly professing
subservience while fighting for dominance.

Seduction -Covert-aggressive personalities are adept at charming, praising,
flattering or overtly supporting others in order to get them to lower their
defenses and surrender their trust and loyalty. Covert-aggressives are also
particularly aware that people who are to some extent emotionally needy and
dependent (and that includes most people who aren't character-disordered) want
approval, reassurance, and a sense of being valued and needed more than
anything.
Appearing to be attentive to these needs can be a manipulator's ticket to
incredible power over others.

Shady "gurus" like Jim Jones and David Koresh seemed to have refined this
tactic to and art. In the story of Al and Don, Al is the consummate seducer. He
melts any resistance you might have to giving him your loyalty and confidence.
He does this by giving you what he knows you need most. He knows you want to
feel valued and important. So, he often tells you that you are. You don't find
out how unimportant you really are to him until you turn out to be in his way.
Projecting the blame (blaming others) -Aggressive personalities are always
looking for a way to shift the blame for their aggressive behavior.
Covert-aggressives are not only skilled at finding scapegoats; they're expert at
doing so
in subtle, hard to detect ways.

Minimization -This tactic is a unique kind of denial coupled with
rationalization. When using this maneuver, the aggressor attempting to assert
their
abusive behavior isn't really as harmful or irresponsible as someone else may,
be
claiming. It's the aggressor's attempt to make a molehill out of a mountain.
I've presented the principal tactics that covert aggressives use to manipulate
and control others. They are not always easy to recognize. Although all
aggressive personalities tend to use these tactics, covert-aggressives generally
use
them slickly, subtly and adeptly. Anyone dealing with a covertly aggressive
person will need to heighten gut-level sensitivity to the use of these tactics
if they're to avoid being taken in by them.




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