Abuse/Recovery Book Recommendations:


When You and Your Mother Can't Be Friends: Resolving the Most Complicated
Relationship of Your Life by Victoria Secunda
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0385304234/templeofwisdo-20

Synopsis: Extensive research went into this detailed study of troubled
mother-daughter relationships and how these relationships can be improved,
usually
through the efforts of the daughter. Dysfunctional parents usually raise
dysfunctional children who pass the same behavior on to their children unless a
conscientious effort, often with the help of therapy, is made to break the
chain.
Practical advice on how to come to terms with, and often improve, unhealthy
mother-daughter bonds is offered through excerpts from many interviews and
quotes from experts. Serial rights to Cosmopolitan and Redbook will bring
additional attention to this book.

Review: Learn how your relationship with your mother colors your other
relationships and influences your choice of a mate, how to recognize the
difference
between a healthy or destructive mother-daughter relationship, how mothers
manipulate us and how we react, why you tend to become your mother's opposite-
or
her twin, how to find your truest self, and how to stop the cycle.

The book discusses the Bad Mommy Taboo, in which many in society refuse to
accept that a mother can be destructive to her children, but prefer to see all
moms as warm, loving, "America and apple pie" types. Great pressure is put on
adult children not to mention or discuss anything bad their mothers might do,
and to accept abuse because "she's your mother". A daughter who rebels or
stands up and tells the truth is often criticized by acquaintances, and even
outcast from the family. "And so the Bad Mommy on a cultural level gets
protected.
Or she protects herself. Or she is protected by her husband."

I found myself nodding in agreement as I related my own life testimony, as
well as other testimonies I have heard in the course of my ministry, to many of
the teachings in this book, especially the Bad Mommy Taboo. It is amazing just
how universal and pervasive this is. People with normal mothers find it
difficult to understand how it can be possible to have a destructive mother. But
the strange thing is that even those with very abusive, controlling, or
downright evil mothers can still be in deep denial concerning their mothers'
true
natures. Many continue to take the blame for an unsuccessful relationship and to
expose themselves to abuse, thinking there must be something wrong with them
because mom couldn't possibly be the problem. After all, moms are loving and
caring of their children, right?

Well, unfortunately for some adult children, that's not right, and
understanding this and realizing what is going on is the first step toward
healing. This
book is very helpful in that regard, and will teach us to recognize and deal
with such a mother, even if she is our own. It is also encouraging in helping
us tell the truth and protect ourselves over the objections of outsiders-
which includes other family members. We learn about the Evolution of the
Unpleasable Mother, and there are chapters covering different types of abusive
mothers,
including the Doormat, the Critic, the Smotherer, the Avenger, and the
Deserter. Part Three discusses how daughters react to our mothers'
destructiveness,
many by becoming the Angel, the Superachiever, the Cipher, the Troublemaker,
or the Defector.

In Part Four, we are given suggestions for breaking the cycle and redefining
the mother-daughter relationship. We are helped to understand what kind of
relationship, if any, might be possible for us to maintain with our own mother.
We might be able to achieve a genuine, loving, respectful friendship. We might
settle for a "truce" in which we manage to have a relationship on a limited
basis without compromising ourselves beyond our tolerance- one in which we
successfully enforce boundaries. Or the only way we may be able to survive might
be
to "divorce" our mother. One women explained,"....I've finally come to the
conclusion that I am much better off never seeing her again. She's just not good
for my mental health." We are encouraged to make divorce a last resort, and
to expect social censure from those who have their own reasons for not
understanding and feel it is their place to judge us.

The author tells us, "Of the women I interviewed who have divorced their
mothers, there isn't one who wouldn't have gladly sacrificed just about anything
to avoid the harrowing conclusion that it was the only alternative. What most
people fail to realize is that a daughter makes so heretical a move only after
years of trying to make it unnecessary." The reader is taught "that life- and
a healthy adulthood- may not include your mother."

This book is well-researched and well-balanced. Many suggestions are given
for trying to improve our relationship with our mother, but the reality that
this may not be possible is not denied. It is important to see how our
victimization influences our personality and impacts our other relationships,
and to
stop the cycle before it affects the next generation. Drawing on years of
research and hundreds of interviews, the author "shows you how to let go, gain
understanding and acceptance- or achieve a separate peace at last."


If You Had Controlling Parents: How to Make Peace with Your Past and Take
Your Place in the World by Dan Neuharth
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0060929324/templeofwisdo-20

Review: As Edmund Burke said, "The greater the power, the more dangerous the
abuse."

This is sometimes excruciatingly true with parents. There are the typically
anxious ones who get a little uptight about letting their teenagers borrow the
car, and then there are the rigid kinds who won't even let their kids leave
the house when they want to--or even eat or go to the bathroom when they need
to.

Written for the 14 million adult children who've survived an upbringing with
the latter type of parents, If You Had Controlling Parents takes the classic
Toxic Parents to a new level. Author Dan Neuharth, Ph.D., a family therapist,
knows his subject thoroughly; he survived a childhood with a father who has the
candor to refer to himself as "an S.O.B."

Neuharth says, "If your parents controlled you in unhealthy ways, they may
have planted land mines in your psyche." Research shows that behaviors and
traits exhibited by adult children of controlling parents include the following:
depression, low self-esteem, distorted self-image, eating disorders and other
addictions, stress-related health problems, inability to sustain an intimate
relationship, and more. While this may seem like a heavy lot to handle, Neuharth
maintains there's always hope of overcoming the past and changing
yourself--even if it means making the drastic move of cutting off contact with
one or both
of your parents.

He gives a lengthy self-test to determine if your parents were controlling;
gives profiles of eight typical styles of controlling parents to help you
better recognize how you may be presently affected by your upbringing; and then
delves into the process of understanding why your parents acted the way they did
in order to start healing emotionally. This is especially important, he says,
if you now have children of your own and want to stop the damaging cycle of
parental control. He doesn't give a cookie-cutter, one-size-fits-all recovery
plan, but rather suggests several "paths to healing" and exercises to help you,
as he terms it, "emotionally leave home." The book's subtitle--"A Guide for
Letting Go of Anxiety, Self-Blame and Perfectionism and Improving Assertiveness,
Boundaries and Confidence"--says it all. This is self-help at its best.--This
text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.


Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by
Susan Forward
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0553381407/templeofwisdo-20

Synopsis: All parents fall short from time to time. But Susan Forward pulls
no punches when it comes to those whose deficiencies cripple their children
emotionally. Her brisk, unreserved guide to overcoming the stultifying agony of
parental manipulation--from power trips to guilt trips and all other killers of
self worth--will help deal with the pain of childhood and move beyond the
frustrating relationship patterns learned at home.

Are you the child of toxic parents?

When you were a child...

• Did your parents tell you you were bad or worthless?
• Did your parents use physical pain to discipline you?
• Did you have to take care of your parents because of their problems?
• Were you often frightened of your parents?
• Did your parents do anything to you that had to be kept secret?

Now that you’re an adult...

• Do your parents still treat you as if you were a child?
• Do you have intense emotional or physical reactions after spending time
with your parents?
• Do your parents control you with threats or guilt? Do they manipulate you
with money?
• Do you feel that no matter what you do, it’s never good enough for your
parents?

In this remarkable self-help guide, Dr. Susan Forward draws on case histories
and the real-life voices of adult children of toxic parents to help you free
yourself from the frustrating patterns of your relationship with your parents
—
  and discover a new world of self-confidence, inner strength, and emotional
independence.


Abused Men by Philip W. Cook
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0275958620/templeofwisdo-20

Synopsis: When most people think of domestic violence, images of battered
women or abused children come to mind. But there is another side to this issue
that is not as familiar--abused men. This unique book is the first to
comprehensively examine this important but neglected social issue. Already
praised by a
diverse spectrum of readers--from "Dear Abby's" Abigail Van Buren, to the
nation's leading domestic violence researcher, to those in law enforcement and
counseling--this work is sure to spark controversy and discussion. It offers
gripping, emotional stories, self-help for victims, and provocative insight into
public issues, and provides a basic reference source for professionals. Abused
Men presents practical solutions for reducing domestic violence, whether its
victims are male or female.


The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming
Yourself by Beverly Engel
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0449906442/templeofwisdo-20

Review: For me, this book above all other self-help books on the subject I've
read really hit home. I was physically and emotionally abused for most of my
childhood. Once I grew up and left home I became involved with emotionally
abusive men again and again, for the last several years. I couldn't understand
why I always seemed to pick the wrong guy, and why life was so painful, and
demeaning. Through therapy and self-help books I was able to come to some
realizations. This book was so powerful that halfway through I had to put it
down for
some time because the personal truths I arrived at were so painful to face. I
hope any person out there who is going through or has been through an
emotionally abusive relationship will give this book a try. It is well worth it.


When Misery Is Company: Ending Self-Sabotage and Misery Addiction by Anne
Katherine
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1592850847/templeofwisdo-20

Synopsis: This book offers solutions to anyone who has felt victimized,
ostracized or left behind by life.

Why does happiness always seem to elude certain people? And why, when these
same people seem to be on the cusp of achieving happiness, do they sabotage
themselves?

This is the first book about addiction to misery, a common but subtle problem
that keeps many people from responding to counseling or therapy, healing from
old hurts, and experiencing fulfillment and joy. For people who are addicted
to misery, happiness itself is frightening and threatening. As a result, every
joy must be equalized by a setback. Too much success must be balanced by
failure.

People who are addicted to misery try to protect themselves against feeling
bad by not feeling too good. For them, happiness itself triggers a pattern of
decisions and behaviors that leads to emotional pain - pain that is comforting
in its familiarity. Because of the subtlety and contradictions of an addiction
to misery, many talented therapists and counselors may not recognize it and
those who have it often unable to see through it.

When Misery is Company not only explains the problem, it offers a practical,
step-by-step program for overcoming it-and living a life of joy and
fulfillment.


How to Say It for Couples: Communicating With Tenderness, Openness and
Honesty by Paul W. Coleman
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0735202613/templeofwisdo-20

Synopsis: Communication tools that can help lead the most difficult
conversations with loved ones. Couples, whether married or unmarried, living
together,
or dating, often complicate their relationship with ineffective communication.
It’s certainly no secret that the wrong word or phrase can transform a mild
disagreement into a stubborn standoff. With hundreds and hundreds of examples
of the best way to speak to one another, How to Say It® for Couples clarifies
the most common differences in communication style between the sexes so couples
won’t trip up.

More than just general communication advice, the book provides readers with
the phrases and words to use in specific situations or on specific topics, such
as in-laws, tying the knot, physical appearance, child-rearing, sex, and much
more. Throughout, this unique guide reveals the secrets of successful
communication, from how to cut back on nagging to what men especially need to do
when
they don’t want to talk. Readers will quickly discover their own conversation
strengths and weaknesses and learn how to say the right thing in any
situation.

Essential for anyone involved in a romantic relationship, How to Say It® for
Couples is a resource that couples can rely on for clear, concise,
state-of-the-art information about healthy, effective communication.


Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy
Bancroft
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0425191656/templeofwisdo-20


The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1558505822/templeofwisdo-20


Boundaries by Anne Katherine
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0671791931/templeofwisdo-20

Synopsis: Are Your Boundaries Being Violated?

Boundaries separate us from others physically and emotionally. In fact, they
are essential for our mental and physical health as well as for developing
healthy relationships. Yet every day, people's boundaries are violated by
friends, family, or coworkers. Despite the importance of personal boundaries
many
people are unaware of how or when these very important lines are crossed.

Which of the following are boundary violations?

Esther tells Betty a secret Mary told her.
Your therapist invites you to go for coffee.
Your boss wants to know the details of your personal life.
Your boss asks you if you'd like a hug.
Mom tells little Debbie about her troubles with Dad.
Your new neighbor pats you on the bottom as he turns away.
Your mother makes a comment about your being overweight.

All but one of the above incidents violate boundaries (your boss asks you if
you'd like a hug). In Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin, Anne Katherine
explains what healthy boundaries are, how to recognize if your personal
boundaries are being violated, and what you can do to protect yourself.

For anyone who has walked away from a conversation, a meeting, or a visit
with others feeling violated and not understanding why, this is a book that can
help.


Facing Love Addiction: Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0062506048/templeofwisdo-20

Synopsis: Mellody has written a lucid and informative book on a subject
little understood: love addiction. Speaking both from personal experience and a
clinical standpoint, she very carefully defines her terms, including "love
addict," "avoidance addict," and, of course, codependence. The last term she
carefully distinguishes from love addiction. She also includes information on
the
recovery process, the marks of a healthy relationship, and the process of
entering into a healthy relationship. The book concludes with a set of journal
exercises designed to help someone in recovery. Worthwhile reading that is
recommended for libraries serving both the professional and general reader.

A brilliant new guide to understanding the origins of codependence and the
path to recovery by a nationally recognized authority on dependency and
addiction. In this fresh new look at codependence, Pia Mellody traces the
origins of
this illness back to childhood, describing a whole range of emotional,
spiritual, intellectual, physical, and sexual abuses. Because of these earlier
experiences, codependent adults often lack the skills necessary to lead mature
lives
and have satisfying relationships.

Recovery from codependence comes from clearing up the toxic feelings left
over from childhood and learning to re parent oneself by intervening on the
adult
symptoms of codependence. Central to Mellody's concept is the idea of the
"precious child" that needs healing within each adult. She creates a framework
for identifying codependent behavior and describes an effective approach to
recovery that includes both therapy and self-help processes. Designed to be used
with her new workbook for codependents, Breaking Free, this is a powerful tool
for understanding the nature of codependence.


In the Meantime: Finding Yourself and the Love You Want by Iyanla Vanzant
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0684848066/templeofwisdo-20

Synopsis: Self-help counselor Vanzant talks about creative and honest use of
the "meantime" between relationships to help women (and men) avoid repeating
unproductive behaviors of the past. You know where you want to be, but you have
no clue how to get there. You know exactly what you want in life, but what
you want is nowhere in sight. Perhaps your vision is unclear, your purpose still
undefined. On top of it all, your relationships, particularly your romantic
relationships, are failing. If these scenarios feel familiar way down in the
deepest part of your gut -- then you, my dear, are smack dab in the middle of
the meantime.

Every living being wants to experience the light of love. The problem is that
our windows are dirty! The windows of our hearts and minds are streaked with
past pains and hurts, past memories and disappointments. In this book, Iyanla
Vanzant teaches us how to do our mental housekeeping so that we can clean the
windows, floors, walls, closets, and corners of our minds. If we do a good
job, our spirits will shine bringing in the light of true love and happiness.


Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes From, How It Sabotages Our
Lives by Pia Mellody
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0062505890/templeofwisdo-20

Synopsis: A brilliant new guide to understanding the origins of codependence
and the path to recovery by a nationally recognized authority on dependency
and addiction. In this fresh new look at codependence, Pia Mellody traces the
origins of this illness back to childhood, describing a whole range of
emotional, spiritual, intellectual, physical, and sexual abuses. Because of
these
earlier experiences, codependent adults often lack the skills necessary to lead
mature lives and have satisfying relationships.

Recovery from codependence comes from clearing up the toxic feelings left
over from childhood and learning to re parent oneself by intervening on the
adult
symptoms of codependence. Central to Mellody's concept is the idea of the
"precious child" that needs healing within each adult. She creates a framework
for identifying codependent behavior and describes an effective approach to
recovery that includes both therapy and self-help processes. Designed to be used
with her new workbook for codependents, Breaking Free, this is a powerful tool
for understanding the nature of codependence.


The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series) by Melody Beattie
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0894866370/templeofwisdo-20

Synopsis: The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie is an excellent tool
for anyone who wants to work through the painful process of ending an unhealthy
relationship and to become more independent, empowered, and healthier
themselves. Melody Beattie brings you 50 cards to help remind you that each day
you
can ask for and accept the healing energy of God and the Universe. Remember
that you are all part of, and one with, the continuous cycle of healing, and she
urges you to live according to the concepts of detachment and present-moment
living. Reflecting on the core issues of codependency, Melody Beattie
encourages readers to trust themselves on their journey to self-care. Each
meditation
is filled with the personal warmth and insight Beattie brings to all of her
books.

Excerpt: Today's thought is:

I was thirty-five years old the first time I spoke up to my mother and
refused to buy into her games and manipulation. I was terribly frightened and
almost
couldn't believe I was doing this. I found I didn't have to be mean. I didn't
have to start an argument. But I could say what I wanted and needed to say to
take care of myself. I learned I could love and honor myself, and still care
about my mother -- the way I wanted to -- the way she wanted me to.

--Anonymous

Who knows better how to push our buttons than family members? Who, besides
family members, do we give such power?

No matter how long we or our family members have been recovering,
relationships with family members can be provocative.

One telephone conversation can put us in an emotional and psychological
tailspin that lasts for hours or days.

Sometimes, it gets worse when we begin recovery because we become even more
aware of our reactions and our discomfort. That's uncomfortable, but good. It
is by beginning this process of awareness and acceptance that we change, grow,
and heal.

The process of detaching in love from family members can take years. So can
the process of learning how to react in a more effective way. We cannot control
what they do or try to do, but we can gain some sense of control over how we
choose to react.

Stop trying to make them act or treat us any differently. Unhook from their
system by refusing to try to change or influence them.

Their patterns, particularly their patterns with us, are their issues. How we
react, or allow these patterns to influence us, is our issue. How we take
care of ourselves is our issue.

We can love our family and still refuse to buy into their issues. We can love
our family but refuse their efforts to manipulate, control, or produce guilt
in us.

We can take care of ourselves with family members without feeling guilty. We
can learn to be assertive with family members without being aggressive. We can
set the boundaries we need and want to set with family members without being
disloyal to the family.

We can learn to love our family without forfeiting love and respect for
ourselves.

Today, help me start practicing self-care with family members. Help me know
that I do not have to allow their issues to control my life, my day, or my
feelings. Help me know it's okay to have all my feelings about family members,
without guilt or shame.


(*Awesome book!) Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls (a cosmic
perspective of codependence and the human condition) by Robert Burney
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0964838311/templeofwisdo-20

Review: A startling and persuasive new take on the new age by a Twelve Step
enthusiast. With a compelling writing style that doesn't just dance around the
subject. . . He works with wounded souls in his private practice, repairing
dysfunctional attitudes about human perfection. And his message is clear. We are
not just human creatures stumbling around finding ways to earn and justify a
spiritual nature. Just the opposite. We are Spiritual beings having a human
experience. And Burney drills home his zealous message. "We are not being
punished."

He examines organized religions, scientific principles, the scourge of aids,
other human conditions. And concludes that it's time we healed, purged
punishment, found our spiritual purpose, enjoyed life. He also confronts some of
the
new age channelers and psychics who shake fingers at those who fall to common
human frailty. Readers will find a penetrating synthesis of Twelve Step
Recovery, contemporary and ancient principles in his Cosmic Perspective.
Burney's
comments are innovative and inspiring, and may just be the answer for so many
seeking spiritual guidance. They ring of honesty, and they will cause many to
ponder.

Synopsis: This joyously inspirational Spiritual book presents a set of
beliefs about the meaning and purpose of life from a Cosmic Perspective that
combines Twelve Step Recovery Principles with Ancient Metaphysical Truths. It
explains why a New Age has dawned in human consciousness on planet Earth and
explores
the interrelationship between subjects that range from the Bible, Buddha, and
Jesus to quantum physics, molecular biology, and AIDS.

The belief system the book is based upon is exemplified by this quote from
The Dance of Wounded Souls: "We are not sinful, shameful human creatures who
have to somehow earn Spirituality. We are Spiritual Beings having a human
experience. We are here to experience and learn, to touch and to feel."

The author, a therapist who specializes in codependence/inner child healing,
not only explains the big picture of how we are all ONE, part of one Cosmic
energy interaction that is unfolding perfectly, he also offers insights into how
the individual being can lovingly change their relationship with self and
life in order to transform their human experience into a much more enjoyable
adventure. This is a life-changing, life-affirming book.

*Visit Burney’s website for lots of goodies from this amazing book!
http://www.joy2meu.com


Counter-Dependency: The Flight from Intimacy by Janae B. Weinhold, Barry K.
Weinhold
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1882056000/templeofwisdo-20

Synopsis: The first half of the book focuses on the developmental causes of
counter dependency and describes exactly what a child needs during between the
ages of one and three years. When these needs are not met, people develop
counter dependent behaviors that particularly cause difficulties in creating and
sustaining intimate adult relationships. The last half of the book presents
many case histories and experiential activities that show readers how to replace
these behaviors with more effective ones. The book concludes with a chapter
describing how Janae and Barry worked on their own counter dependent patterns.


The Inner Child Workbook: What to Do With Your Past When It Just Won't Go
Away by Cathryn L. Taylor
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/087477635X/templeofwisdo-20


Healing the Child Within by Charles Whitfield
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0932194400/templeofwisdo-20


Healing Your Aloneness : Finding Love and Wholeness Through Your Inner Child
by Margaret Paul, Erika J. Chopich
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0062501496/templeofwisdo-20



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

What would Jesus do? Codependency and Self-Care

by Don Smith

I have a dear friend who has been quite helpful to me in my recovery journey.
Every time I go off to do some teaching he will call me before I leave, and
ask, "So what are you going to teach about?" When I told him before this trip
that I was going to teach about self-care, he laughed and said, "You know the
old saying ‘You teach what you most need to learn.'"

Learning to do appropriate self-care has been a large part of my own journey
in recovery. He was right. This topic has been a difficult one for me
personally. Learning to do appropriate self-care has been a large part of my own
journey in recovery. I have come to believe that self-care is an absolutely
essential part of the recovery process. And yet we hear often in Christian
circles
that self-care is bad. Some Christians think of it as a kind of selfishness.
Others think it is sinful. So I think it's important to look at what the Bible
says about self-care.

The Bible and Self-Care

Some people are surprised that the Bible talks about self-care at all. It may
be difficult for us to see if we have been taught that self-care is selfish
and bad. But it is there.

Let's start by looking at Phillipians 2:4: "Each of you should look not only
to your own interests, but also to the interests of others." Notice that this
text assumes that you are going to look out for your own interests. And
knowing that is true, the text emphasizes that we should also be careful to
attend
to the needs of others. The text assumes that both are important. My interests
are important; other people's interests are important. The text does not say,
"Stop looking to your own interests, and pay attention only to the needs of
others." It acknowledges that we will look to our own interests, and it
encourages us to also look to the interests of others.

Another interesting text, which I often use when talking about boundaries, is
Galatians 6:2–5:

Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of
Christ. If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives
himself.
Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself,
without comparing himself to somebody else, for each one should carry his own
load.

When I was a young and very codependent Christian all I could hear in this
text was, You should take care of other people. It felt like I should carry
everyone else's burdens and my own burdens as well. Sometimes that didn't seem
fair. Shouldn't there be someone to carry my burdens? Couldn't we all just trade
burdens? Or take turns?

If you look more closely at this text, however, you find something very
interesting. This same text says, "Each one should carry his own load." Now, how
can we carry each other's burdens if each of us is carrying our own load? The
answer is that there is a difference between the Greek words used here for
"burden" and for "load." Every person has a load that he or she is supposed to
carry. And sometimes there are burdens that are so large that we can't carry
them
on our own. That is when we are to help each other. There is some stuff that
God expects us to take care of because it is our stuff. It is our load.

I think it's like backpacking. Each person carries their own pack with their
own clothes, their own sleeping bag, their own cook kit. If I try to carry
everyone else's stuff in my pack there is no way it is going to work. My
thoughts
belong in my backpack. Your thoughts belong in yours. As a codependent person
it is really easy for me to get into carrying your thoughts around in my
backpack. All I have to do is ask myself, What are people going to think? If I
start down that path, I will have a pack full of other people's thoughts. I will
start owning them as if they were my thoughts or my responsibility, and I may
even start changing my behavior so that I can change what I think other people
might be thinking. It's insane when you think about it. We start to make up
what we think other people are thinking. And then we start changing our
behavior based on what we've made up. That's what codependent people do all the
time.
As soon as we do that, we are carrying loads we were never intended to carry.


It's okay for me to have my own thoughts. They are part of my load, and I
need to carry them myself. It's okay for me to have my own attitudes. Even if I
choose to have a bad attitude sometimes, it can still be my bad attitude. It's
okay for me to have my own opinions. My own beliefs. My choices. My feelings.
My values. My behavior. My body. My money. You could add a lot of things to
this list that legitimately belong in my backpack. When Paul says each one is
supposed to "carry his own load" he is talking about the stuff that we are
responsible for just because we are human beings. Sometimes we expect other
people
to carry our stuff; for example, we might expect someone else to be
responsible for how we're going to feel today. And sometimes we expect ourselves
to
carry stuff that is not part of our load; for example, we might expect ourselves
to be responsible for how someone else is feeling. Both are inappropriate. The
biblical principle is really quite simple: Each of us must carry our own load,
and when we run into those huge burdens in life that none of us can carry by
ourselves, we are to help each other out.

What Would Jesus Do?
Another set of biblical texts that have been important for me are those that
talk about Jesus' strategies for self-care. One of the things that Jesus is
consistent in doing is in taking care of himself. If you are not used to looking
for this kind of thing in the Scriptures, it is easy to miss. But now that
I've been in recovery from codependency for a while, I look at lots of texts and
am amazed to discover how well Jesus takes care of his own needs. As a
codependent I was not able to do the kinds of things you see Jesus doing all the
time. Remember the story about Jesus in the temple on Passover when he was
twelve
years old? His parents leave. He hangs out in the temple. You might think
this was being irresponsible. He should have told his parents what he was doing.
But when his parents return he says to them, "Didn't you know I needed to be
in my Father's house?" (Luke 2:49). He didn't apologize. And he didn't start to
carry any of their anxiety or issues about the situation. I think that is a
remarkable example of maintaining healthy boundaries and appropriate self-care.


Or look at Jesus' example in Luke 5:15–16: "Yet the news about him spread all
the more, so that crowds of people came to hear him and to be healed of their
sicknesses. But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed." What would
you do if God gave you the ability to heal every person on whom you laid your
hands? If you go into a town, the news spreads rapidly. You clean out the
hospitals and the nursing homes. Everybody gets healed. It's on the national
news. Thousands of people are seeking you out. What's your first response?

I know what mine would be. My first response would be to see this as a
big-time opportunity. This is a time when I can reach millions with the Good
News. I
can preach to my heart's content. Because people are suffering and I have the
ability to stop that suffering, I should do more. I would undoubtedly kick
into my work addiction mode. There were years when I could work for three months
without taking a day off. I could stay on that high for a long, long time. If
I could heal people, I would kick into that mode and heal more people, and do
God's work. It would be too important an opportunity to let it slip by. No
one could say that I hadn't given it my all. Withdrawing to lonely places where
I could pray was never an option for me. I could never have said, "I have a
lot of stuff to do, but maybe I should take some time off and just be by
myself."

But that is exactly what Jesus did. "Jesus often withdrew to lonely places
and prayed." In all my years of being in the Christian community I have never
heard a sermon about this kind of self-care. But it is obvious that Jesus knew
how to take care of himself.

There were times when the disciples returned from a mission and Jesus said,
"We need to go off by ourselves and rest." One time when Jesus and his
disciples were walking through a field the disciples were hungry, so they ate
some of
the grain in the field. The Pharisees got upset about this because it violated
some of their religious rules. Jesus reminded them of a time when King David
was hungry and he went into a holy place where only the priests were allowed
to go, and he ate some of the sacred bread that was on the altar. He took care
of himself and his men, even when it meant breaking some religious rules.
Jesus insisted that it was a good thing to take care of our own needs, even when
it might feel like we are breaking religious rules.

Jesus went off by himself one day, and the disciples were searching for him.
When they found him they asked him where he had been. Jesus responded by
saying, "Let us go somewhere else—to the nearby villages—so I can preach
there
also" (Mark 1:38). If somebody with needs had been searching for me and I had
been off by myself resting, I would have experienced overwhelming guilt. I would
have said, "Oh, I am so sorry. I should have been here for you. I shouldn't
have been away that long." Not Jesus. He knew that self-care was too important
to neglect, and he didn't apologize for it. He felt no need to explain why he
was taking care of his own needs. The need for and appropriateness of self-care
was so obvious that it required no explanation.

Over-the-Rainbow Spirituality
Another set of biblical texts that have been helpful to me are texts about
life. Over and over again Jesus talks about giving us life. "I have come that
they may have life, and have it to the full" (John 10:10). Texts like this may
lead us to conclude that God wants us to have a life that is not full of
busyness, schedules and burdens, but a life that is full of joy, hope and peace.

Paul describes it well in Romans 15:13: "May the God of hope fill you with
all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the
power of the Holy Spirit." One of the things I love about Paul is that he
doesn't say, "I hope that you have some hope." He says, "I hope you abound."
That
is, "I hope you overflow with hope," and "I hope you are so full of hope that
you can't even begin to contain the hope that is in you." In Ephesians Paul
talks about God's ability to do "exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or
think" (Eph. 3:20, King James Version).

For many years of my life that abundance was only a carrot on the end of a
stick. It was the promised but never quite achievable payoff. I could get to the
carrot only if I worked hard at being really good. Eventually I would have
the joy and peace. Someday. Over the rainbow. Somewhere. It was what I would get
if I prayed enough and went to church enough and read my Bible enough and had
a good enough attitude. If I did all that stuff enough, then I'd get the good
stuff.

But I was doing everything I was supposed to do. I got up at 5:30 in the
morning and had my prayer time. I sacrificed. I tithed. I did everything right.
I
was a Pharisee of the Pharisees, actually. Yet I still couldn't seem to do it
well enough to have any chance of reaching the carrot. There was no joy and no
peace. As a result, I went through a major depression.

Well, the bottom line is pretty obvious. There is no way to do enough to earn
joy, peace and serenity. The only way I could have the good stuff was to
abandon my performance-oriented lifestyle and learn to receive from God. It
wasn't
until I decided to take care of myself that I began to experience some of the
hope and joy and peace that God wants us to experience in abundance.

Denial of Self
Some of us have a problem with taking care of ourselves because it just
doesn't seem right for us. This is often because we have been taught to "deny"
ourselves. On the one hand it is clear that God wants us to have abundant life,
the kind of life that can come only when we pay attention to what we need and we
take appropriate steps to respond. But on the other hand, what about Jesus'
command to deny ourselves? What about taking up our cross? Dying to self? How
do those texts fit into this picture?

Paul says, "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but
Christ lives in me" (Gal. 2:20). One of the things that strikes me about this
text
is that it includes two kinds of "I." There is the "I" that has been crucified
and is dead. And there is the "I" that lives. Why are there two Pauls here—
one dead, the other one living? This is a clear principle in Scripture. There is
an old self, and there is a new self.

I can tell you about my old self. I was raised in a family with a rage-aholic
mother and a workaholic father. Dad was gone. Our family owned a dairy farm
and a potato farm so that he could work seven days a week. For us kids the
question of the day was not if mom would explode, but when. When I got off the
bus
from school, it didn't matter what kind of day it had been. It didn't matter
if I had been beaten up on the playground. It didn't matter if I had done well
on a test. The only thing that mattered was where is Mom and how long will it
be before she explodes in rage. So I developed huge emotional antenna that
would pick up on what was happening emotionally in the house. My old self was
very aware of how other people feel. My old self was a people-pleasing person.
My old self was all about keeping people happy so they don't explode in rage. I
was very good at doing that. My old self was a good rescuer. When people got
into trouble they knew they could call me. My friends could get drunk and
wreck their cars, and they knew they could call me to come pick them up. I was
always available for everybody. My old self was a good manipulator. Once I knew
how other people were feeling I could play with that a bit and maybe get them
to do what I wanted them to do. My old self loved to control people. My old
self was also a wonderful worker; I got that from my father. But the old me was
a
miserable and hopeless person. I was very, very aware of what everyone else
wanted and needed but completely clueless about what I wanted and needed.

When I got saved I had a powerful experience with God. I knew that God loved
me. I knew that Jesus had died for me. I knew I could put my faith in God. But
I didn't really change. In fact, other than starting to keep all the rules—I
quit smoking and drinking and I started to listen to Christian radio and I
went to church five times a week—nothing really changed. Emotionally I was
still
the same old self. My "old man" had put on a Christian suit and had found a
lot of acceptance in doing so. But it was still my old self. I had not yet
experienced the kingdom of God in the way that God intended. It wasn't until I
went
through my depression—it wasn't until my burnout—that I began to realize
that when the Scriptures talk about denial of self or putting to death the old
self they are not adding another heavy weight to our to-do list. I see now that
"dying to self" means that God doesn't want me to be codependent anymore. It
means finding a different way of being in the world than the way I learned in
my dysfunctional family. God doesn't want me to be a workaholic anymore; that's
why he calls me to die to my old self. God doesn't want me to do all those
destructive things that I learned so well in order to survive in my family. God
doesn't even want me to do all those destructive things that I learned to do
so well to survive as a successful pastor. My old self is a raging codependent.
The more it dies, the better my life becomes. So "dying to self" may not be
such bad news after all.

What's my job?
When I was headed into my burnout phase, but before I really hit bottom, I
went to a pastors' retreat. During a worship time an image came to me of a huge
river. The river was the love and grace of God. It was deep and wide, and it
was flowing, so there was no way you could ever use it up. And the banks of the
river were full of people who were thirsty. In that image I saw myself
running down to the river, filling up cups with water, and then running back to
shore to give the cups to people who were thirsty. That was my job, but I knew
it
wasn't working. I was just getting tired. And the thirsty people were still
thirsty no matter how fast I ran back and forth to the river. However, I
resisted the idea that something was wrong. I even had a little argument with
God, in
which I insisted that those people were going to die of thirst if someone
didn't take them some water.

It was then that I had a revelation: If I waded out into the water and
started drinking because I was thirsty, then people who wanted to drink would
see
that and know where to get water themselves. Of course, it is so obvious now
that it seems silly to say it, but it was a completely radical concept to me.
You
mean I was just supposed to drink, myself? To get my own need for spiritual
refreshment filled? Was that my job?

Thinking that our job is to carry water for other people is a direct
reflection of the JOY mentality. Some of us were raised with this. The idea is
that
J-O-Y comes from putting Jesus first, Others second and Yourself last. That's
what I was doing. Because I loved Jesus I was committed to carrying water to the
thirsty. I didn't have time to notice whether I was thirsty. My job was to
carry water as fast as I could. I now have a completely different belief about
where joy comes from. The image I have is of a water fountain made of a stack
of bowls. At the top is a bowl that fills with water, which then spills out to
fill the bowls under it. The bowl at the top is me. God wants to fill that top
bowl until it overflows. And when it's full, it begins to overflow into other
people's lives. I can give out of abundance, but not out of need. I don't
need to deprive myself in order to give to others. The kingdom of God is not
about scarcity. Out of our abundance we can share with others. That's a whole
different approach to life.

Later in the process of recovery, when I was able to connect with the
little-boy part of me, I had flashbacks to what it felt like in the home of a
rage-aholic mother. My role in life was to take care of Mom so that she wouldn't
explode in rage. In many ways I was a surrogate spouse. I entertained her. I
played cards with her. I did things with her. All the things that Dad didn't do.
As
long as she was placated, she would not explode. When I was able to connect
with that little-boy part of me, I experienced a primitive feeling of I want
someone to take care of me. The foundation of all my drivenness, the foundation
of my need to take care of other people, was this fantasy: If I take care of
other people enough, maybe someday they will take care of me. If I make enough
trips into the river and bring back enough cups full of water to the thirsty
people, then maybe someone will say, "Why don't you sit down, and I'll bring
you some water." I was not aware of it at the time, but the root motivation of
much of what I did as a pastor was this very painful fantasy. I thought that if
I did enough, maybe "they" would take care of me. If I am good enough, maybe
somehow I will have an experience with a good, nurturing mother who will take
care of my needs, rather than the other way around.

Now, the painful truth that I needed to learn was that not even God was going
to take care of me in that way. God was not going to be the biggest
codependent of all—the one who can run back and forth to the river better than
any of
the rest of us. Instead, God was going to help me learn appropriate self-care.
There was room in the river for me. If I take the time to experience my own
thirst, if I have the courage to wade out into the water because it is what I
need, there will be refreshment for me.

It's sort of like this: If I'm responsible for a vehicle, I can't just say,
"I'm going to drive this vehicle to the glory of God and trust God to change
the oil." That doesn't make any sense. But that is exactly what Christian
codependents do with their lives. We don't take care of ourselves. We live our
lives
and trust God to change the oil. God is a very healthy individual. Just
because we are dysfunctional doesn't mean that God is going to rescue us the way
we
want to be rescued. Just because I have an unrealistic expectation that God
is going to change the oil in my car doesn't mean that God is going to do that
for me. Sometimes the only way that my needs are going to get met is for me to
take the responsibility for meeting them. If the need is in my backpack—if it
is my load—then part of being the new person that God is helping me become is
to carry that load.

Hearing God
The first steps toward taking better care of myself were very difficult. I
was so full of anxiety and so driven that I did three or four things at a time.
I remember when my therapist suggested that I do one thing at a time—like not
trying to get something else done while I'm talking on the phone. It was a new
concept to me. He also gave me the assignment of taking one day a week off.
Most normal people take two days off each week, but I guess he knew there was
no way I could start at that advanced level. As it turned out I was miserable
taking one day off. I used to get angry because it felt like such a waste of
time. I had no room for Sabbath in my life. It just made me miserable and angry.
After all, I was doing God's work. That's what I was supposed to do. Not
rest. So at first I made excuses. I weaseled my way out of it for a while. I'd
take half a day off. I'd make excuses about emergencies. I remember going to the
beach and being miserable because I wasn't getting anything done. I was
wasting time. But finally there came a day when I enjoyed it.

It's been a long time since that first effort. Now I take two days off a
week, and I spend them doing things I love. I love to canoe, and I love to hike.
Five years ago things like that would have seemed selfish. At the beginning,
taking care of ourselves can feel incredibly selfish and can seem like a waste
of time. But later on we find that it is okay to have a life. I can enjoy life
now. I can respect the desires and needs that God has put into me.

Recently I climbed to the top of a mountain. By myself. The view from the top
was spectacular. I was moved by the wonder of God's creation. And I just
stood there for a while. Eventually I heard a quiet voice saying, "When I
created
it, I had you in mind." I am able to receive that now. But only because I went
through a lot of difficult days when it seemed like a waste of time. I had to
struggle with those inner voices that insisted, "You should be working hard."
Slowly, with a lot of help, I was able to quiet those voices enough to begin
again to hear the gentle, loving voice of God. And that has made all the hard
work more than worth the effort.



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Codependency: When You Give Until It Hurts

Frederick A. Levy LCSW

Do You:

Feel responsible for others?
Never have time for you?
Feel that life never lets up?
Never have time for fun?
Give past the point of pain?
Wonder if it will ever be your turn?
Barely have time to read this list?

Familiar?

Then read on!

  What is codependency?

Codependency is an disorder that describes the compulsive need to take care
of other people at the expense of appropriate and necessary self care.
Codependents have a difficult time recognizing their own feelings and needs, and
sometimes feel "swallowed up" by the people around them.

Where does codependency come from?

Codependency originally described the condition of spouses and family members
of alcoholics. As alcohol continued to cause progressively worsening
problems, the rest of the family found that they needed to assume more and more
responsibility in order to keep the family afloat. Survivors of alcoholic homes
discovered that this pattern of survival became a way of life, going far beyond
the life of the family. For Adult Children of Alcoholics, caretaking and
rescuing others became the only life imaginable.

In time, therapists discovered that codependency could also emerge from
families with other severe problems, such as: sexual abuse; drug addiction;
chronic
illnesses; a variety of addictive and/or compulsive behaviors (such as
gambling); and rigid, authoritarian rules with a "no talk rule" around the
expression of feelings. As they emerged from these backgrounds, codependents
learned
that their well being and sense of safety depended on controlling the behavior
of others.

What is codependent behavior?

As a rule, codependents have difficulty identifying what they need. They
often can't tell what they feel; sometimes they just feel numb - too numb to
sense
their own fear. They can justify rescuing others in the name of love and
concern, but don't seem to know their own limits.

As a result, codependents can be prone to depression, physical illness, or
job "burnout." They routinely overtax themselves, feeling guilty if they take
time for their own self care. They seem incapable of relaxing, but seem forever
to be giving, rarely allowing themselves to receive. Their friendships consist
of caseloads of needy people; yet, codependents rarely feel that they are
doing enough for others. They have a hard time saying "no." In the work setting,
they may put in endless overtime (sometimes without pay), but fear they are
frauds and incompetents, feeling grateful they still have jobs.

They may go from one unsatisfying relationship to another, mystified at how
they fall prey to such an endless stream of "losers." Most ironically,
codependents may themselves suffer from compulsive and addictive patterns,
including
addictions to: destructive relationships; work; overeating and other eating
disorders; excitement and chaos; and sometimes substance abuse. They fee sad,
deeply alone, drained, and often desperate. They wish that someone could hear
their pain.

What treatments are available for codependency?

Codependency can be treated with a variety of treatment strategies,
including: individual; marital; family; and group therapies. Thousands have been
helped
through 12 Step self help groups, especially Adult Children of Alcoholics
groups through Al-Anon, and CODA (Codependency Anonymous). In the safety of
therapy and/or self help, Survivors can: share their pain; identify patterns of
coping that maintain codependency; raise self esteem; and learn new ways of
addressing their concerns. Help provides a place where Survivors can stop having
to
control others and finally reclaim their lives.




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The Jesus Who Didn't Please Others The Jesus Who Didn't Please Others

by PETER ROBBINS AND KEVIN DOWNING

Jesus Christ was a tremendous disappointment to almost everyone who knew and
loved him at one time or another. He was a Savior who never freed God's people
from the oppressive Roman rule. Jesus was a Chosen One who began to wipe out
human hunger with five loaves of bread and two fish, but who quickly gave it
up. Jesus was a Christ who could have physically healed everyone if he hadn't
spent so much time with his friends in the desert. Jesus was the Coming King
who was born in a feeding trough in a barn and who had a name as common as Joe.
And Jesus was the Lord of heaven and earth, yet he was crucified - the most
humiliating of deaths.

Jesus did not please everyone. It was not his strategy to make people happy
at any cost. Jesus did not please everyone. It was not his strategy to make
people happy at any cost. Jesus did, however, know his calling with razor sharp
accuracy and was determined to fulfill it. Somehow Jesus could look beyond the
misguided demands of people and see eternal needs.

As a result, Jesus served like no other. But he served in ways that people
did not expect. As Christians we are also called to serve. But our efforts at
serving others easily become distorted. Seven different misconceptions about
servanthood produce great pain in our lives and the lives of others.

Misconceptions of Servanthood

Misconception #1: The depth of my servanthood is measured by how happy I make
those around me. The truth is that Jesus did not make everyone around him
happy. In fact, he was eventually crucified by those whom he loved. When we live
for Christ the Bible tells us that we may experience persecution - even by our
loved ones at times. See: Gal 1:10, Ps 55:12-14, Matt. 5:11-12; John 15:20

Misconception #2: To be a servant I must become something like a robot -
brainless and uncreative - or I must do the opposite of everything I dream and
desire. The truth is that Christ came that we might use all of our God-given
gifts, including our mind and creativity. The more we become like Christ, the
more
our will and God's will become one. We will desire God's will and God will be
a cheerleader for us. See: Psalm 20:4, 37:4, 103:5, 145:19; Ro. 8:5

Misconception #3: When I "die to the flesh," I die as a person as a
punishment for my sinful nature. The truth is that dying to the 'flesh' or the
'self'
does not mean to kill our bodies or our personalities - that's suicide!!! Dying
to the flesh is the choice to act out of grace rather than out of shame, hurt
or revenge. Rather than punishment, dying to the flesh allows us to become
the grace-full people we long to be. See: Matt. 16:24-26; Ro. 6:13, 12:1-2; I
Peter 2:24, 4:10; II Tim. 1:6-7; John. 10:10

Misconception #4: Servanthood involves no risk because when we have truly
given all to Christ, God takes all the responsibility for every decision. The
truth is that God allows us to grapple with the gray areas of life so that we
might grow spiritually and expand our wisdom and knowledge. See: James 1:2-4; I
Peter 5:7; Phil.. 2:12-13

Misconception #5: There is one Perfect path for each person's servanthood.
The truth is that perfectionism has no place in Godly living. It reduces us to a
crazy mechanical life far different from the life of intimate grace to which
God has called us. We learn the fine points of this new life partly through
trial and error. See: Phil. 3:12; Ro. 8:28; Eph. 2:8-10

Misconception #6: True Servanthood has no place for rest or recreation -
there is no time to be built up when other people are hurting and need our help.
The truth is that to fulfill God's calling in our life we must be a good
steward of our temple (i.e. our body). That means rest, fellowship, solitude,
education - and yes, while others are hurting. Jesus often left the needy crowds
to
be with his friends, and his Father, in quiet places free of distraction and
business. See: Matt. 11:28-29, Mk. 6:31; Heb 4:3

Misconception #7: Servanthood guarantees that others will acknowledge and
appreciate our efforts and therefore take care of our needs in return. The truth
is that servanthood is not giving in order to get. Great fulfillment is
waiting for those who serve others, yet there are times to stop giving so we may
be
restored. This restoration is not selfishness - rather it is good stewardship.
See: II Tim. 4:7-8; Luke 5:16; John 11:54

Recovery from people-pleasing behaviors is not easy. It requires us to
identify our misconceptions about servanthood, to clarify our true calling to
mutual, respectful service and to identify the unresolved pain which is at the
root
of our people-pleasing life styles.

Kevin Downing and Peter Robbins are therapists at Turning Point Counseling in
Diamond Bar, California. Copyright 1991, used with permission.


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Dealing With Manipulative People
An Excerpt from the book: In Sheep's Clothing
By George K. Simon

Two Basic Types of Aggression

There are two basic types of aggression: overt-aggression and
covert-aggression. When you're determined to have something and you're open,
direct and
obvious in your manner of fighting, your behavior is best labeled overtly
aggressive. When you're out to "win," dominate or control, but are subtle,
underhanded
or deceptive enough to hide your true intentions, your behavior is most
appropriately labeled covertly aggressive. Now, avoiding any overt display of
aggression while simultaneously intimidating others into giving you what you
want is
a powerfully manipulative maneuver. That's why covert-aggression is most
often the vehicle for interpersonal manipulation.

Acts of Covert-Aggression vs. Covert-Aggressive Personalities

Most of us have engaged in some sort of covertly aggressive behavior from
time to time. Periodically trying to manipulate a person or a situation doesn't
make someone a covert-aggressive personality. Personality can be defined by the
way a person habitually perceives, relates to and interacts with others and
the world at large. The tactics of deceit, manipulation and control are a
steady diet for covert-aggressive personality. It's the way they prefer to deal
with others and to get the things they want in life.

The Process of Victimization

For a long time, I wondered why manipulation victims have a hard time seeing
what really goes on in manipulative interactions. At first, I was tempted to
fault them. But I've learned that they get hoodwinked for some very good
reasons:

A manipulator's aggression is not obvious. Our gut may tell us that they're
fighting for something, struggling to overcome us, gain power, or have their
way, and we find ourselves unconsciously on the defensive. But because we can't
point to clear, objective evidence they're aggressing against us, we aren't
readily validating our feelings.
The tactics manipulators use can make it seem like they're hurting, caring,
defending, ....almost anything but fighting. These tactics are hard to
recognize as merely clever ploys. They always make just enough sense to make a
person
doubt their gut hunch that they're being taken advantage of or abused.
Besides, the tactics not only make it hard for you to consciously and
objectively
tell that a manipulator is fighting, but they also simultaneously keep you on
the
defensive. These features make them highly effective psychological weapons to
which anyone can be vulnerable. It's hard to think clearly when someone has
you emotionally on the run.

All of us have weaknesses and insecurities that a clever manipulator might
exploit. Sometimes, we're aware of these weaknesses and how someone might use
them to take advantage of us. For example, I hear parents say things like:
"Yeah, I know I have a big guilt button." but at the time their manipulative
child
is busily pushing that button, they can easily forget what's really going on.
Besides, sometimes we're unaware of our biggest vulnerabilities. Manipulators
often know us better than we know ourselves. They know what buttons to push,
when and how hard. Our lack of self-knowledge sets us up to be exploited.

What our gut tells us a manipulator is like challenges everything we've been
taught to believe about human nature. We've, been inundated with a psychology
that has us seeing everybody, at least to some degree, as afraid, insecure or
"hung-up." So, while our gut tells us we're dealing with a ruthless conniver,
our head tells us they must be really frightened or wounded "underneath."
What's more, most of us generally hate to think of ourselves as callous and
insensitive people. We hesitate to make harsh or seemingly negative judgments
about
others. We want to give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they don't
really harbor the malevolent intentions we suspect. We're more apt to doubt and
blame ourselves for daring to believe what our gut tells us about our
manipulator's character.

Recognizing Aggressive Agendas

Accepting how fundamental it is for people to fight for the things they want
and becoming more aware of the subtle, underhanded ways people can and do
fight in their daily endeavors and relationships can be very consciousness
expanding. Learning to recognize an aggressive move when somebody makes one and
learning how to handle oneself in any of life's many battles has turned out to
be
the most empowering experience for the manipulation victims with whom I've
worked. It's how they eventually freed themselves from their manipulator's
dominance and control and gained a much needed boost to their own sense of self
esteem. Recognizing the inherent aggression in manipulative behavior and
becoming
more aware of the slick, surreptitious ways that manipulative people prefer to
aggress against us is extremely important. Not recognizing and accurately
labeling their subtly aggressive moves causes most people to misinterpret the
behavior of manipulators and, therefore, fail to respond to them in an
appropriate
fashion. Recognizing when and how manipulators are fighting with us is
essential.

Defense Mechanisms and Offensive Tactics

Almost everyone is familiar with the term defense mechanism. Defense
mechanisms are the "automatic" (i.e. unconscious) mental behaviors all of us
employ to
protect or defend ourselves from the "threat" of some emotional pain. More
specifically, ego defense mechanisms are mental behaviors we use to "defend" our
self-images from "invitations" to feel ashamed or guilty about something.
There are many different kinds of ego defenses and the more traditional
psychodynamic theories of personality have always tended to distinguish the
various
personality types, at least in part, by the types of ego defenses they prefer to
use. One of the problems with psychodynamic approaches to understanding human
behavior is that they tend to depict people as most always afraid of something
and defending or protecting themselves in some way; even when they're in the
act of aggressing. Covert-aggressive personalities (indeed all aggressive
personalities) use a variety of mental behaviors and interpersonal maneuvers to
help ensure they get what they want. Some of these behaviors have been
traditionally thought of as defense mechanisms.

While, from a certain perspective we might say someone engaging in these
behaviors is defending their ego from any sense of shame or guilt, it's
important
to realize that at the time the aggressor is exhibiting these behaviors, he is
not primarily defending (i.e. attempting to prevent some internally painful
event from occurring), but rather fighting to maintain position, gain power and
to remove any obstacles (both internal and external) in the way of getting
what he wants. Seeing the aggressor as on the defensive in any sense is a set-up
for victimization. Recognizing that they're primarily on the offensive
mentally prepares a person for the decisive action they need to take in order to
avoid being run over.

Therefore, I think it's best to conceptualize many of the mental behaviors
(no matter how "automatic" or "unconscious" they may appear) we often think of
as defense mechanisms as offensive power tactic because aggressive
personalities employ them primarily to manipulate, control and achieve dominance
over
others. Rather than trying to prevent something emotionally painful or dreadful
from happening, anyone using these tactics is primarily trying to ensure that
something they want to happen does indeed happen. Using the vignettes presented
in the previous chapters for illustration, let's take a look at the principal
tactics covert-aggressive personalities use to ensure they get their way and
maintain a position of power over their victims:

Denial -This is when the aggressor refuses to admit that they've done
something harmful or hurtful when they clearly have. It's a way they lie (to
themselves, as well. As, others) about their aggressive intentions. This "Who...
Me?"
tactic is a way of "playing innocent," and invites the victim to feel
unjustified in confronting the aggressor about the inappropriateness of a
behavior.
It's also the way the aggressor gives him/herself permission to keep right on
doing what, they want to do. This denial is not the same kind of denial that a
person, who has just lost a loved one and can't quite bear to accept the pain
and reality of the loss, engages in. That type of denial really is mostly a
"defense" against unbearable hurt and anxiety.

Rather, this type of denial is not primarily a "defense" but a maneuver the
aggressor uses to get others to back off, back down or maybe even feel guilty
themselves for insinuating he's doing something wrong. In the story of James
the minister, James' denial of his ruthless ambition is massive. He denied he
was hurting and neglecting his family. He especially denied he was aggressively
pursuing any personal agenda. On the contrary, he cast himself as the humble
servant to an honorable cause. He managed to convince several people (and maybe
even himself) of the nobility and purity of his intentions.

But underneath it all, James knew he was being dishonest: This fact is borne
out in his reaction to the threat of not getting a seat on the Elders' Council
if his marital problems worsened. When James learned he might not get what he
was so aggressively pursuing after all, he had an interesting "conversion"
experience. All of a sudden, he decided he could put aside the Lord's bidding
for a weekend and he might really need to devote more time to his marriage and
family. James' eyes weren't opened by the pastor's words. He always kept his
awareness high about what might hinder or advance his cause. He knew if he
didn't tend to his marriage he might lose what he really wanted. So, he chose
(at
least temporarily) to alter course.

In the story of Joe and Mary, Mary confronted Joe several times about what
she felt was insensitivity and ruthlessness on his part in his treatment of
Lisa. Joe denied his aggressiveness. Be also successfully convinced Mary that
what
she felt in her gut was his aggressiveness was really conscientiousness,
loyalty, and passionate fatherly concern. Joe wanted a daughter who got all A's.
Mary stood in the way. Joe's denial was the tactic he used to remove Mary as an
obstacle to what he wanted.

Selective Inattention -This tactic is similar to and sometimes mistaken for
denial. It's when the aggressor "plays dumb," or acts oblivious. When engaging
in this tactic, the aggressor actively ignores the warnings, pleas or wishes
of others, and in general, refuses to pay attention to everything and anything
that might distract them from pursuing their own agenda. Often, the aggressor
knows full well what you want from him when he starts to exhibit this "I don't
want to hear it!" behavior. By using this tactic, the aggressor actively
resists submitting himself to the tasks of paying attention to or refraining
from
the behavior you want him to change. In the story of Jenny and Amanda, Jenny
tried to tell Amanda she was losing privileges because she was behaving
irresponsibly.

But Amanda wouldn't listen. Her teacher tried to tell her what she needed to
do to improve her grade: but she didn't listen to them either. Actively
listening to and heeding the suggestions of someone else are, among other
things,
acts of submission. And, as you may remember from the story, Amanda is not a
girl who submits easily. Determined to let nothing stand in her way and
convinced
she could eventually "win" most of her power struggles with authority figures
through manipulation, Amanda closed her ears. She didn't see any need to
listen. From her point of view, she would only have lost some power and control
if
she submitted herself to the guidance and direction offered by those whom she
view as less powerful, clever and capable as herself.

Rationalization -A rationalization is the excuse an aggressor tries to offer
for engaging in an inappropriate or harmful behavior. It can be an effective
tactic, especially when the explanation or justification the aggressor offers
makes just enough sense that any reasonably conscientious person is likely to
fall for it. It's a powerful tactic because it not only serves to remove any
internal resistance the aggressor might have about doing what they want to do
(quieting any qualms of conscience they might have) but also to keep others off
their back. If the aggressor can convince you they're justified in whatever
they're doing, then they're freer to pursue their goals without interference. In
the story of little Lisa, Mary felt uneasy about the relentlessness with
which Joe pursued his quest to make his daughter an obedient, all-A student once
again. And, she was aware of Lisa's expressed desire to pursue counseling as a
means of addressing and perhaps solving some of her problems.

Although she felt uneasy about Joe's forcefulness and sensed the impact on
her daughter, she allowed herself to become, persuaded by his rationalizations
that any concerned parent ought to know his daughter better than some
relatively dispassionate outsider and that he was only doing his duty by doing
as much
as he possibly could to "help" his "little girl." When a manipulator really
wants to make headway with their rationalizations they'll be sure their excuses
are combined with other effective tactics. For example, when Joe was "selling"
Mary on the justification for shoving his agenda down everyone's throat he
was also sending out subtle invitations for her to feel ashamed (Shaming her for
not being as "concerned" a parent as he was) as well as to feel guilty
(guilt-tripping her) for not being as conscientious as he was pretending to be.

Diversion -A moving target is hard to hit. When we try to pin a manipulator
down or try to keep a discussion focused on a single issue or behavior we don't
like, they're expert at knowing how to change the subject, dodge the issue or
in some way throw us a curve. They use distraction and diversion techniques
to keep the focus off their behavior, move us off-track, and keep themselves
free to promote their self-serving hidden agendas.

..............Rather than respond directly to the issue being addressed,
Amanda diverted attention to her teacher's and classmates' treatment of her.
Jenny
allowed Amanda to steer: her off track. She never got a straight answer to
the question. Another example of a diversion tactic can be found in the story of
Don and Al.

Al changed the subject when Don asked him if he had any plans to replace him.
He focused on whether he was unhappy or not with Don's sales performance, as
if that's what Don had asked him about in the first place. He never gave him
straight answer to a straight question (manipulators are notorious for this).
He told him what he thought would make Don feel less anxious and would steer
him away from pursuing the matter any further. Al left feeling like he'd gotten
an answer, but all he really got was the "runaround." Early in the current
school year, I found it necessary to address my son's irresponsibility about
doing his homework by making a rule that he bring his books home every night.
One
time I asked: "Did you bring your books home today?" His response was: "Guess
what, Dad.

Instead of tomorrow, we're not going to have our test-until Friday." My
question was simple and direct. His answer was deliberately evasive and
diversionary. He knew that, if he answered the question directly and honestly,
he would
have received a consequence for failing to bring his books home. By using
diversion: (and also offering a rationalization) he was already fighting with me
to
avoid that consequence. Whenever someone is not responding directly to an
issue, you can safely assume that for some reason, they're trying to give you
the
slip.

Lying -It's hard to tell when a person is lying at the time they're doing it.
Fortunately, there are times when the truth will come out because
circumstances don't bear out somebody's story, but there are times when you
don't know
you've been deceived until it's too late. One way to minimize the chances that
someone will put one over on you is to remember that because aggressive
personalities of all types will generally stop at nothing to get what they want,
you
can expect them to lie and cheat. Another thing to remember is that
manipulators -covert-aggressive personalities that they are -are prone to lie in
subtle,
covert ways.

Someone was well aware of the many ways there are to lie when they suggested
that court oaths charge a person to tell "the truth, the whole truth, and
nothing but the truth " Manipulators often lie by withholding a significant
amount
of the truth from you or by distorting the truth. They are adept at being
vague when you ask them direct questions. This is an especially slick way of
lying by omission. Keep this in mind when dealing with a suspected wolf in
sheep's
clothing. Always seek and obtain specific, confirmable information.

Covert Intimidation -Aggressors frequently threaten their victims to keep
them anxious, apprehensive and in a one-down position. Covert-aggressives
intimidate their victims by making veiled (subtle, indirect or implied) threats.
Guilt-tripping -This is one of the covert-aggressives two favorite weapons (the
other is shaming). It's a special kind of intimidation tactic. One thing that
aggressive personalities know well is that other types of persons have very
different consciences than they do. Manipulators are often skilled at using what
they know to be the greater conscientiousness of their victims as a means of
keeping them in a self-doubting, anxious, and submissive position. The more
conscientious the potential victim, the more effective guilt is as a weapon.

Aggressive personalities of all types use guilt-tripping so frequently and
effectively as a manipulative tactic, that I believe it illustrates how
fundamentally different in character they are compared to other (especially
neurotic)
personalities. All a manipulator has to do is suggest to the conscientious
person that they don't care enough, are too selfish, etc., and that person
immediately starts to feel bad. On the contrary, a conscientious person might
try
until they're blue in the face to get a manipulator (or any other aggressive
personality to feel badly about a hurtful behavior, acknowledge responsibility,
or admit wrongdoing, to absolutely no avail.

Shaming -This is the. technique of using subtle sarcasm and put-downs as a
means of increasing fear and self-doubt in others. Covert-aggressives use this
tactic to make others feel inadequate or unworthy, and therefore, defer to
them. It's an effective way to foster a continued sense of personal inadequacy
in
the weaker party, thereby allowing an aggressor to maintain a position of
dominance. When Joe loudly proclaimed any "good" parent would do just as he was
doing to help Lisa, he subtly implied Mary would be a "bad" parent if she didn't
attempt to do the same. He "invited" her to feel ashamed of herself. The
tactic was effective. Mary eventually felt ashamed for taking a position that
made
it appear she didn't care enough about her own daughter. Even more doubtful
of her worth as a person and a parent, Mary deferred to Joe, thus enabling him
to rein a position of dominance over her. Covert-aggressives are expert at
using shaming tactics in the most subtle ways.

Sometimes it can just be in the glances they give or the tone of voice they
use. Using rhetorical comments, subtle sarcasm and other techniques, they can
invite you to feel ashamed of yourself for even daring to challenge them. I
remember how Joe tried to shame me when I considered accepting the educational
assessment performed by Lisa's school. He said something like: "I'm not sure
what kind of doctor you are or just what kind of credentials you have, but I'm
sure you'd agree that a youngster's grades wouldn't slip as much as Lisa's for
no reason. You couldn't be entirely certain she didn't have a learning
disability unless you did some testing, could you?' With those words, he
"invited" me
to feel ashamed of myself for not at least considering doing just as he asked.
If I didn't have a suspicion about what he was up to, I might have accepted
this invitation without a second thought.

Playing the Victim Role -This tactic involves portraying oneself as an
innocent victim of circumstance or someone else's behavior in order to gain
sympathy, evoke compassion and thereby get something from another. One thing
that
covert-aggressive personalities count on is the fact that less calloused and
hostile personalities usually can't stand to see anyone suffering. Therefore,
the
tactic is simple. Convince your victim you're suffering in some way, and
they'll try to relieve your distress.

In, the story of Amanda and Jenny, Amanda was good at playing the victim role
too. She had her mother believing that she (Amanda) was the victim of
extremely unfair treatment and the target of unwarranted hostility. I remember
Jenny
telling me: "Sometimes I think Amanda's wrong when she says her teacher hates
her and I hate her. But what if that's what she really believes? Can I afford
to be so firm with her if she believes in her heart that I hate her?" I
remember telling Jenny "Whether Amanda has come to believe her own distortions
is
almost irrelevant. She manipulates you because you believe that she believes it
and allow that supposed belief to serve as an excuse for her undisciplined
aggression."

Vilifying the Victim -This tactic is frequently used in conjunction with the
tactic of playing the victim role. The aggressor uses this tactic to make it
appear he is only responding (i.e. defending himself against) aggression on the
part of the victim. It enables the aggressor to better put the victim on the
defensive.

Returning again to the story of Jenny and Amanda, when Amanda accuses her
mother of "hating" her and "always saying mean things" to her, she not only
invites Jenny to feel the "bully," but simultaneously succeeds in "bullying"
Jenny
into backing off. More than any other, the tactic of vilifying the victim is a
powerful means of putting someone unconsciously on the defensive while
simultaneously masking the aggressive intent and behavior of the person using
the
tactic.

Playing the Servant Role -Covert-aggressives use this tactic to cloak their
self-serving agendas in the guise of service to a more noble cause. It's a
common tactic but difficult to recognize. By pretending to be working hard on
someone else's behalf, covert-aggressives conceal their own ambition, desire for
power, and quest for a position of dominance over others. In the story of James
(the minister) and Sean, James appeared to many to be the tireless servant.
He attended more activities than he needed to attend and did so eagerly. But if
devoted service to those who needed him was his aim, how does one explain the
degree to which James habitually neglected his family?

As an aggressive personality, James submits himself to no one. The only
master he serves is his own ambition.. Not only was playing the servant role an
effective tactic for James, but also it’s the cornerstone upon which corrupt
ministerial empires of all types are built. A good example comes to mind in the
recent true story of a well-known televangelist who locked himself up in a room
in a purported display of "obedience" and "service" to God. He even portrayed
himself' a willing sacrificial lamb who was prepared to be "taken by God" if
he didn't do the Almighty's bidding and raise eight million dollars. He claimed
he was a humble servant, merely heeding the Lord's will. He was really
fighting to save his substantial material empire.

Another recent scandal involving a televangelist resulted in his church's
governance body censuring him for one year. But he told his congregation he
couldn't stop his ministry because he had to be faithful to the Lord's will (God
supposedly talked to him and told him not to quit). This minister was clearly
being defiant of his church's established authority. Yet, he presented himself
as a person being humbly submissive to the "highest" authority. One hallmark
characteristic of covert-aggressive personalities is loudly professing
subservience while fighting for dominance.

Seduction -Covert-aggressive personalities are adept at charming, praising,
flattering or overtly supporting others in order to get them to lower their
defenses and surrender their trust and loyalty. Covert-aggressives are also
particularly aware that people who are to some extent emotionally needy and
dependent (and that includes most people who aren't character-disordered) want
approval, reassurance, and a sense of being valued and needed more than
anything.
Appearing to be attentive to these needs can be a manipulator's ticket to
incredible power over others.

Shady "gurus" like Jim Jones and David Koresh seemed to have refined this
tactic to and art. In the story of Al and Don, Al is the consummate seducer. He
melts any resistance you might have to giving him your loyalty and confidence.
He does this by giving you what he knows you need most. He knows you want to
feel valued and important. So, he often tells you that you are. You don't find
out how unimportant you really are to him until you turn out to be in his way.
Projecting the blame (blaming others) -Aggressive personalities are always
looking for a way to shift the blame for their aggressive behavior.
Covert-aggressives are not only skilled at finding scapegoats; they're expert at
doing so
in subtle, hard to detect ways.

Minimization -This tactic is a unique kind of denial coupled with
rationalization. When using this maneuver, the aggressor attempting to assert
their
abusive behavior isn't really as harmful or irresponsible as someone else may,
be
claiming. It's the aggressor's attempt to make a molehill out of a mountain.
I've presented the principal tactics that covert aggressives use to manipulate
and control others. They are not always easy to recognize. Although all
aggressive personalities tend to use these tactics, covert-aggressives generally
use
them slickly, subtly and adeptly. Anyone dealing with a covertly aggressive
person will need to heighten gut-level sensitivity to the use of these tactics
if they're to avoid being taken in by them.




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

When Misery is Company: Ending Self-Sabotage and Misery Addiction by Anne
Katherine

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1592850847/templeofwisdo-20


Synopsis: This book offers solutions to anyone who has felt victimized,
ostracized or left behind by life.

Why does happiness always seem to elude certain people? And why, when these
same people seem to be on the cusp of achieving happiness, do they sabotage
themselves?

This is the first book about addiction to misery, a common but subtle problem
that keeps many people from responding to counseling or therapy, healing from
old hurts, and experiencing fulfillment and joy. For people who are addicted
to misery, happiness itself is frightening and threatening. As a result, every
joy must be equalized by a setback. Too much success must be balanced by
failure.

People who are addicted to misery try to protect themselves against feeling
bad by not feeling too good. For them, happiness itself triggers a pattern of
decisions and behaviors that leads to emotional pain - pain that is comforting
in its familiarity. Because of the subtlety and contradictions of an addiction
to misery, many talented therapists and counselors may not recognize it and
those who have it often unable to see through it.

When Misery is Company not only explains the problem, it offers a practical,
step-by-step program for overcoming it-and living a life of joy and
fulfillment.



Boundaries (Fireside/Parkside Recovery Book) by Anne Katherine

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0671791931/templeofwisdo-20


Synopsis:Are Your Boundaries Being Violated?

Boundaries separate us from others physically and emotionally. In fact, they
are essential for our mental and physical health as well as for developing
healthy relationships. Yet every day, people's boundaries are violated by
friends, family, or coworkers. Despite the importance of personal boundaries
many
people are unaware of how or when these very important lines are crossed.

Which of the following are boundary violations?

Esther tells Betty a secret Mary told her.
Your therapist invites you to go for coffee.
Your boss wants to know the details of your personal life.
Your boss asks you if you'd like a hug.
Mom tells little Debbie about her troubles with Dad.
Your new neighbor pats you on the bottom as he turns away.
Your mother makes a comment about your being overweight.

All but one of the above incidents violate boundaries (your boss asks you if
you'd like a hug). In Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin, Anne Katherine
explains what healthy boundaries are, how to recognize if your personal
boundaries are being violated, and what you can do to protect yourself.

For anyone who has walked away from a conversation, a meeting, or a visit
with others feeling violated and not understanding why, this is a book that can
help.



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Just Exactly What is Codependence?

by Dr. Irene Matiatos

Some of the nicest people I know are codependent. They always smile, never
refuse to do a favor. They are happy and bubbly all the time. They understand
others and have the ability to make people feel good. People like them!

So, what is wrong with this? Nothing, really, unless the giving is one-sided
and so excessive that it hurts the giver. Then, the giver is showing the signs
of codependence.

Partners who go out of their way for each other are interdependent. Only
relatively healthy people are capable of interdependent relationships, which
involve give and take. It is not unhealthy to unilaterally give during a time
when
your partner is having difficulty. You know your partner will reciprocate
should the tables turn. Interdependency also implies that you do not have to
give
until it hurts. By comparison, in a codependent relationship, one partner does
almost all the giving, while the other does almost all the taking, almost all
of the time.

By giving, codependent people avoid the discomfort of entitlement. Giving
allows them to feel useful and justifies their existence. Rather than simply
approving of themselves, codependent people meet their need for self-esteem, by
winning their partner’s approval. Also, because they lack self-esteem,
codependent people have great difficulty accepting from others. One must feel
deserving
and entitled in order to accept what is offered.

Codependent behavior is not easy. It requires a lot of work. It hurts. These
individuals typically suffer with low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and
especially guilt, as well as other painful thoughts and feelings. They judge
themselves using far stricter criteria than they use to measure the performance
of others. While they are brutally critical of their own misbehavior, they are
very good at justifying and excusing the misbehavior of others.

Codependent people misplace their anger. They get angry when they shouldn't,
and don't get angry when they should. They have little contact with their
inner world and thus very little idea about how they feel. Usually, they don't
want to know because it gives rise to painful emotions. It is easier to stay on
the surface and pretend things are peachy keen, rather than deal with the stuff
going on inside.

If they were to look inside, they would find their emotional starvation. They
are busy taking care of others. Yet, they do not meet their own needs!

They may put up with abusive relationships or relationships that are not
fulfilling because any warm body beats (gasp) no warm body. Being alone is
perceived as scary, empty, depressing, etc. After all, who will deliver their
emotional supplies? Who will distract them so there is no time to deal with
their
inner life? Even an abusive relationship is better than no relationship.

These loving, giving people find interesting ways of explaining their
behavior to themselves. Loyal to a fault, a codependent individual is likely to
rationalize a loved one's disrespectful behavior by making excuses for them. "He
doesn't mean it." "It was not done with malice." "It is the best he can do."
"She had such an awful childhood." Etc., etc., etc.

The central concept is that the codependent individual "takes it" and
"understands," despite feeling hurt. Waiting for brownie points in heaven, or
for a
loved one to be magically healed through their persistent love and care taking,
they accept disrespect from others. It does not occur to the codependent
person that it is not OK to "take it" and "put up" no matter what!

Much of this abuse acceptance occurs without the codependent individual
feeling abused! More accurately, these individuals do not feel OK enough to
expect
respectful treatment at all times, and to notice when it is not forthcoming.
Having grown up in a home where a parent or sibling demanded inordinate
attention (due to addiction, illness, anger, or other problem), the codependent
person is trained to care for others. Having grown up in a difficult
environment, a
negative emotional climate is experienced as normal and familiar. This is why
there is often little recognition of disrespect. If their partner is angry or
upset, the codependent individual will implicitly assume that they did
something to cause the anger. It does not occur to them that it is their
partner's
responsibility to deal with their problem and to treat others respectfully. It
does not occur to them that it is their responsibility to themselves to stop
another person's demeaning behavior toward them. But, how can stop disrespect
when misbehavior is not perceived as disrespectful or abusive? Disrespect is
normal.

An unfortunate side effect of the codependent person's willingness to ignore,
excuse, or otherwise allow the partner's abuse or disrespect, enables the
misbehavior directed at them to continue and intensify. Implicit or explicit
permission to continue misbehaving is granted since the codependent partner
"understands."

Because codependent individuals are approval-driven, they cannot stand it
when others are angry at or disappointed with them. As such, they unwittingly
place themselves in a position to be taken advantage of. The more approval is
needed, the less likely is the individual to realize the extent of their
self-sacrifice in favor of tending to the needs of the other. This hurts
("Ouchhh!"),
and creates or maintains depression and low self-esteem, in a vicious,
downward spiral.

While abuse, disrespect, or unrequited sacrifice angers them, as it should,
codependent people do not realize how angry they are and at whom they are
angry! Targeting the appropriate person may jeopardize a source of approval and
self-esteem. To avoid facing reality, they distort it. Codependent individuals
are likely to somehow blame themselves and rationalize their "over-sensitivity."
They justify the other person's behavior by thinking they must deserve the
treatment they are getting. This is preferable to facing the possibility that an
individual who provides a measure of their self-esteem is hurting them.

  "Anger...is a signal that something is wrong and needs attention".

Anger is healthy. It is a signal that something is wrong and needs attention.
However, if the source of anger is not articulated, how can it be fixed?
Codependent people are expert at denying anger and turning it against the self -
into sadness and depression. Instead of asking themselves why are they are
putting up with… (fill in the blank), they ask themselves how they could have
behaved differently - to obtain a more favorable reaction from their partner!

Unarticulated anger is often misdirected and expressed  inappropriately.
Anger may be experienced as resentment, expressed as an aggressive blow-up, or
in
passive-aggressive acting out. The cognitive and verbal skills to
appropriately assert oneself are lacking.

Since codependent people are experts at controlling other people's thoughts,
feelings, and behavior, they feel hurt that others don't reciprocate and
"know" what they need. "If they really loved me, they would know." Not so! Since
codependents do not have the self-esteem to ask for what they secretly want,
they are unlikely to get it. If they do make a request, it is often a roundabout
hint. If their partner cannot decipher the request, they feel hurt and
unloved. They believe they conveyed their desires, when, in fact, they have not!

Because most codependent individuals are control-oriented, they are very
responsible. They are great employees. Tasks are done thoroughly and on time.
Even
parts of the job that are not theirs get picked up if coworkers are
neglectful or slow. They try to control outcomes, whether those outcomes are
completed
job tasks or reactions from other people. Anything for approval.

However, some codependent individuals are very irresponsible, in select or
diverse life areas. They don't know how to or don't feel the need to take care
of some of their own basic needs, especially if there is another person to care
for instead. Why spend the time trying to figure out what the self needs,
when the self doesn't really matter anyway? It is far more preferable to be out
avoiding one's own issues: out having fun, hunting for a partner, or
self-medicating feelings.

Codependent people are addiction prone. They may drink too much, shop too
much, eat too much, etc. Dulling the senses is a great way to avoid knowing
yourself and dealing with your feelings. Intimacy is avoided. Intimate behavior
requires familiarity and comfort with one's internal world. Since the
codependent
person regards ordinary human needs as shameful, embarrassing, dangerous, or
otherwise uncomfortable, meeting basic needs are often dismissed.

Any relationship that ignores the self is superficial. Unfortunately,
superficial relationships are safe...but empty and unfulfilling.

Control is central to the "MO" of the codependent person. They control their
self-esteem by catering to others' needs. They control by their
over-responsible performance, picking up where others leave off. They control by
avoiding
intimacy or by clouding the mind. They control by advising others on what to do.
These individuals work very hard to control everything and everybody. Yet,
they neglect the one person they do have control over: themselves. Read an
example of taking control here.


Why Be Codependent?

by Dr. Irene Matiatos

Why would anybody spend time and energy to control outcomes, while actively
neglecting the inner self? How can they do this and not realize they are
selling themselves short? The Why: they know no other way; the How: they
received
very good training early in life.

Any dysfunction in the family predisposes a child to codependent behavior.
Children are biologically programmed to seek love and approval. They have to be
cared for or they will die. When a parent or family member is dysfunctional,
the child tends to focus on this person--rather than on enjoying a carefree and
joyful kid existence. The child has to worry: if the caretaker does not care
take, the child dies. For example, in an alcoholic home, little Sally has to
worry about whether she can bring friends home - because daddy may be in a bad
mood and embarrass her. Such events are training her in codependent thinking,
the art of anticipating the other person. If mom is physically ill, Teddy has
to worry about exerting her. Who would care for him if anything happened to
her? If daddy is angry and controlling, Timmy needs to worry about pleasing him
to avoid punishment and humiliation - and to get his conditional love and
approval.

Children are naturally egocentric. That means that they see the world
revolving around them. If mom and dad fight, children feel that it is somehow
their
fault. Julie may try to make her parents happy by getting straight As in school
in an attempt to keep the parental marriage together. Another child may have
an abusive, or simply overactive older sibling. Since the parents cannot be
there at all times to police the situation, the younger sibling may learn to
anticipate the sib's moods and to behave in ways that might increase the
probability of "safety." Or, perhaps daddy is depressed. Jennifer may tiptoe
around
him wondering if he is unhappy because she is not good enough. And so on. In
sum,  codependent thinking tends to develop any time a child is growing up in a
home where life is not care free. Often, addiction can be traced in the family
tree of these dysfunctional families, whether there is an active addict in
residence, or not. Nevertheless, these kids have an adult they have to worry
about!

The codependent-in-training is taught to walk on eggshells. To ensure
survival, the child learns to be extraordinarily sensitive in reading the moods
and
thoughts of others. The child learns very early to pay attention to and tiptoe
around the dysfunctional family members - at the child's expense. These
interactions take place silently, implicitly. The child learns to ignore the
self's
inner needs, instead pretending that all is OK.

When I tell my clients that codependent adults were once children who had an
adult to worry about, some sharply disagree. They tell me about the loving
families they came from and insist that their family members were "wonderful,"
etc. As denial melts and self-awareness develops, they begin to recognize the
failings in a caregiver that spawned their selflessness. Sometimes, both parents
were codependent, modeling no other behaviors for the child to learn.


Help! Can I Fix it?

by Dr. Irene Matiatos

Good news! You certainly can! You can get control over your life! You can
stop trying to control the lives of others and take charge of yourself!
While children are truly not responsible for their actions, adults are. To
experience a more satisfying life, it becomes incumbent upon the adult to take
control of the unavoidable childhood or present-day scars they experienced.
Parent don't set out to hurt their children; neither do abusive partners! We get
hurt and we in turn hurt others because we are imperfect. We may never achieve
perfection, but we can improve.

It is important to remember that we are in part a product of our environment.
If we mis-behave, we have learned to do so. The good news is that what was
learned can be unlearned or modified. The best news is that, in my experience,
codependency issues are in most cases not particularly difficult problems to
deal with.

I find a blend of cognitive behavior therapy with an emphasis on cognitive
and verbal skills training combined with a 12-Step approach very effective. Many
self-help resources are available from books to support groups, as well as
professional guidance. "Codependence" is cocktail party talk. Walk into your
local book store's self-help or psychology section and look around. Melodie
Beattie and Pia Mellody are two of my favorite authors in the field. Also, check
out some of Albert Ellis' cognitive-behavioral work that helps in stamping out
irrational codependent thinking. Self-help groups such as ALANON and CODA are
12-Step programs that have their own formula help change codependent behavior.

So, go to therapy. Read, get to a meeting. Get yourself evaluated for
medication if you are depressed. Do whatever you need to do. As an adult, you
have
options. You can take control of your life! You are the only one who can take
control of your life.



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The Inner Child Workbook: What to Do With Your Past When It Just Won't Go
Away by Cathryn L. Taylor

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/087477635X/templeofwisdo
-20






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In the Meantime: Finding Yourself and the Love You Want by Iyanla Vanzant

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0684848066/templeofwisdo-20

Synopsis: Self-help counselor Vanzant talks about creative and honest use of
the "meantime" between relationships to help women (and men) avoid repeating
unproductive behaviors of the past. You know where you want to be, but you have
no clue how to get there. You know exactly what you want in life, but what
you want is nowhere in sight. Or perhaps your vision is unclear, your purpose
still undefined. On top of it all, your relationships, particularly your
romantic relationships, are failing. If these scenarios feel familiar way down
in the
deepest part of your gut -- then you, my dear, are smack dab in the middle of
the meantime.

Every living being wants to experience the light of love. The problem is that
our windows are dirty! The windows of our hearts and minds are streaked with
past pains and hurts, past memories and disappointments. In this book, Iyanla
Vanzant teaches us how to do our mental housekeeping so that we can clean the
windows, floors, walls, closets, and corners of our minds. If we do a good
job, our spirits will shine bringing in the light of true love and happiness.


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The Twelve Steps TO Codependency


We admitted we were powerless over nothing—that we could manage our lives
perfectly and those of anyone else who would allow us to.

Came to believe there was no power greater than ourselves and the rest of the
world was insane.

Made a decision to have our loved ones and friends turn their wills and lives
over to our care, even though they couldn't understand us at all.

Made a searching and fearless moral and immoral inventory of everyone we
knew.

Admitted to the whole world at large the exact nature of everyone else's
wrongs.

Were entirely ready to make others straighten up and do right.

Demanded others to either shape up or ship out.

Made a list of all persons who had harmed us, and became willing to go to any
lengths to get even with them all.

Got direct revenge on such people wherever possible, except when to do so
would cost us our own lives or at the very least a jail sentence.

Continued to take personal inventory of others and when they were wrong,
promptly and repeatedly told them about it.

Sought through bitching and nagging to improve our relations with others as
we couldn't understand them, asking only that they knuckle under and DO IT MY
WAY.

Having had a complete physical, emotional, and spiritual breakdown as a
result of THESE STEPS, we tried to blame it on others and to get sympathy and
pity
in all our affairs.

~Author Unknown


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Codependency and Christian Living

Codependency is one of the most underestimated issues within the church
today.  It affects everyone.  Let me repeat, it affects everyone.  We tend to
think
it is just something that is benign and if left alone, time will heal.
Nothing could be further from the truth.  When we do not acknowledge our
codependency, we become toxic, shame-driven, fear-driven people.  It give
opportunity
for other addictions to substances, relationships, and behaviors to grow in our
lives which become life-controlling and rob us of the joy of living.
Celebrate Recovery is especially for you if you struggle with codependency.

On the surface, codependency messages sound like Christian teaching -

“Codependents always put others first before taking care of themselves.”
(Aren’t Christians to put others first?)

“Codependents give themselves away.”  (Shouldn’t Christians do the same?)

“Codependents martyr themselves.”  (Christianity honors its martyrs.)

Those statements have a familiar ring, don’t they? Then how can we
distinguish between codependency, which is unhealthy to codependents and their
dependents, and mature faith, which is healthy.

Codependency says:

I have little or no value.
Other persons and situations have all the value.
I must please other people regardless of the cost to my person or my values.
I am to place myself to be used by others without protest.
I must give myself away.
If I claim any rights for myself, I am selfish.
If I have boundaries that protect me, I'm wrong or self-centered.

Jesus taught the value of the individual. He said we are to love others equal
to ourselves, not more than. A love of self forms the basis for loving
others. The differences between a life of service and codependency take several
forms.

Motivation differs. Does the individual give his service and himself out of
free choice or because he considers himself of no value? Does he seek to “
please people”? Does he act out of guilt or fear? Does he act out of a need to
be
needed (which means he actually uses the other person to meet his own needs;
the helpee becomes an object to help the helper achieve his own goals). (See
Enabling)

Service is to be an active choice. The person acts; codependents react.

Codependents behavior is addictive rather than balanced. Addictions control
the person instead of the person being in charge of their own life.


Enabling

Helping or Harming?

Enabling is defined as reaction to a person in such a way to shield him or
her from experiencing the full impact of the harmful consequences of behavior.
Enabling behavior differs from helping in that it permits or allows the person
to be irresponsible.

PROTECTION from natural consequences of behavior.
KEEPING SECRETS about behavior from others in order to keep peace.
MAKING EXCUSES for the behavior. (School, friends, legal authorities, work,
family members.)
BAILING OUT of trouble. (Debts, fixing tickets, paying lawyers, providing
jobs.)
BLAMING OTHERS for dependent persons behavior. (Friends, teachers, employers,
family, self.)
SEEING THE PROBLEM AS THE RESULT OF SOMETHING ELSE. (Shyness, adolescence,
loneliness, child, broken home.)
AVOIDING the chemically dependent person in order to keep peace.
(Out-of-sight, out-of-mind.)
GIVING MONEY THAT IS UNDESERVED/UNEARNED.
ATTEMPTING TO CONTROL. (Planning activities, choosing friends, getting jobs.)

MAKING THREATS that have no follow through or consistency.
TAKING CARE OF the chemically dependent person. (Doing what he/she should be
expected to for themselves.)


Top Codependency and the Christian Definition Qualities:

I assume responsibility for others feelings and behaviors.
I feel guilty about others feelings and behaviors.
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I have difficulty expressing feelings.
I am afraid of my anger, yet sometimes erupt in a rage.
I worry how others may respond to my feelings, opinions, and behavior.
I have difficulty making decisions.
I am afraid of being hurt and/or rejected by others.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
I am afraid to express differing opinions or feeling.
I value others opinions and feelings more than my own.
I put other people's needs and desires before mine.
I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise, or gifts.
I judge everything I think, say, or do harshly, as never "good enough."
I am perfectionistic.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable and worthwhile person.
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others anger.


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S U R V I V I N G  A   D Y S F U N C T I O N A L   F A M I L Y

Ten  Ways  To  Make  Peace  With  The  Past
And   Create   A   New   Future

Our families are our first and most influential bonds, the foundation for our
personalities and our relationships with others. But too often those
interactions  are destructive instead of nurturing. From the moment our lives
begin,
our  physical helplessness makes us dependent on the people closest to us for
survival and information, and we learn how to behave so that we get what we
need. Professionals and lay people alike estimate that at least 90% of American
families  are dysfunctional. The distortion of our free expression for the
sake of superficial  harmony creates patterns that spread through our ideas and
behavior to promote  personal, social and political dysfunction.

Are you confused about what you want and how to get it? Do your emotions
sometimes overwhelm you and make you reluctant to act? Are you trapped in
situations that drain your energy? Do you find yourself struggling with the same
problems over and over? Are you afraid of people you admire and nice to people
you can't stand?

What may be holding you back from building the life you dream of are
unconscious attitudes and automatic behaviors you learned at an early age
because you
thought you needed them to survive. (As you may well have.) The good news is
that you don't have to be a victim of your upbringing. Although a dysfunctional
past can crush your self-esteem, confuse you and distort your relationships,
you can begin now to set yourself free from those patterns and create the life
you want. The distortion of your natural instincts can be reversed. You are a
unique expression of the universal life force which has crystallized into
your physical form to reflect your spirit's journey.  No one else ever has or
will affect the world as you do. With every act, word or thought you are adding
to the All-That-Is.

Surviving a dysfunctional family doesn't necessarily mean getting along
better with your relatives. You make peace with the past by using difficult
situations, thoughts, emotions and people as opportunities to discover meaning
and
purpose in life. You create a new future by drawing on your innate wisdom to
help you overcome your obstacles, reawaken your dreams, realize your best self,
and discover within you the powerful urge to love in even the most trying
circumstances that's been inside you all along, no matter how long you've been
unaware of it.

The following simple principles can show you how to grow through experience
and transform your life and relationships. If you approach your problems as
opportunities
to discover meaning and purpose in your life, you can deepen your capacity to
love in even the most difficult circumstances, and make a difference both
personally and in
society.

Here are ten ways to spark change in your life:

1. SET A NEW COURSE

Finding your own preferences

This new course is first an internal one, which paves the way for the
external changes.  If you're not satisfied with your life the way it is, begin
by
imagining that, no matter
how bad or how good, it can get better. Accept that what happens in your life
is largely up to you, and make it a priority to figure out how to create the
life you want.  Do what uplifts you. Allow yourself to feel excited about your
possibilities. Take time every day to think about what you want. Pay close
attention to ideas and feelings that light you up. Great results may require
great risks. Courage is accepting reality as it is and taking action to shape it
into what you want. What you dedicate yourself to, you can create. To
jump-start this process, give your brain a challenge by writing your full name
three
times with your non-dominant hand. Or take a new route or means of
transportation to work.  Savor the freedom in it and build on it, one small step
at a
time.


2. TRUST YOUR INTUITION

Accessing your inner wisdom

When you hear "that little voice," listen. Trust your gut feelings. Within
you is a guidance system that announces itself through your ideas and emotions.
Give yourself the
benefit of the doubt. Life can be confusing, and some people do try to
manipulate you in devious ways. If something doesn't feel right, it may mean
that
it's not for you. Wonder about why not, and what you'd like instead. Stand your
ground. Believe in yourself in the face of criticism. No one else can tell you
what you need or want. Have good intentions. Let your sense of integrity
guide you.  Don't second-guess yourself. All you can do is what you think is
best
at the moment. Try completing the phrase, "Wouldn't it be great if..." to
break the pattern of negativity.  Wouldn't it be great if you could live the
life
you dream of?


3. LOOK FOR A SILVER LINING

Developing a positive attitude

How things appear is affected by how you look at them. Search for the
positive. Negative interpretations dull your energy and ability to cope. No
matter
how bad a
situation seems, find something in it to appreciate. Ask yourself, what good
could come from this? What can I learn here? The answers you get are
indicators of what to
do next. You already have inside you the resources to build the life you
want. You just have to learn how to use them.


4. TAKE A STEP BACK

Separating motivation from unconscious patterns

Be on the lookout for destructive habitual patterns. Noticing is the first
step to breaking them. Don't fight them, just observe your thoughts and
feelings. The deeper you can go, the more you unravel the stuck places in your
heart
and mind. Bring spirit into the process by inviting metaphysical help in any
form that works for you.  Don't be influenced by others' opinions unless they
inspire you. See criticism as an automatic response based in the other person's
own fears. You don't have to convince any one of your right to have your life
as you want it.


5. WATCH WHAT YOU SAY

Developing effective communication

Tell the truth. Be kind. Say good things, especially to yourself. A little
goes a long way.  Speak carefully. Emphasize the positive. Be aware of your
effect on others. Don't assume you're being understood. When you realize you've
made a mistake, apologize face to face if possible, so you can look the other
person in the eye. Don't interrupt. Don't gossip. It wastes time you could be
using to empower yourself. Don't give advice unless you're asked.  Choose your
battles. If someone gets angry at you, stop doing whatever triggers them, no
matter how right you think you are, until you can find a better way to
communicate. Why make yourself a target? Know when to shut up or decline to
answer.
Watch what you listen to. Don't dismiss different points of view. Don't listen
just to what someone says-- try to understand why they're saying it. Don't put
up with disrespect, manipulation or negative thinking from anyone, including
yourself.


6. DON'T KEEP SCORE

Setting your own standards

Life isn't about success or failure. Although both teach valuable lessons,
realizing your potential is the core challenge. Adversity can develop strength.
Even a losing battle can be the perfect challenge to show you your direction
in life.  If a dream sours, let it go without judgment or remorse. Assume it's
no longer relevant, and look for new options. Accepting change brings peace of
mind. It could be a stepping stone to a better situation.


7. NO VICTIMS, NO VILLAINS

Every situation brings exactly what you need to wake up

You are not responsible for anyone else, nor are they for you. Relationships
are like jigsaw puzzles. All the pieces fit together to create the whole.
There's no guilt, no blame, no shame. Accept each moment as if you'd chosen it.
Allow things to be as they are. Holding a grudge drains your energy. If someone
hurts you, look for what you can learn from it. Forgiveness doesn't mean it
was okay with you; it means releasing the person's power to upset you. You may
never forget, but letting go of your resentment is more productive. This goes
double for forgiving yourself.


8. MEDITATE AND TREAT YOURSELF WELL

Nourishing yourself

Make time to have fun and enjoy life. Laugh. Let yourself dream your fondest
dreams.  Celebrate your successes, big or small. Take walks in nature. Spend
time alone. Exercise, rest and eat when you need to, and drink lots of water.
Something as simple as a warm bath or short walk can do wonders in improving
your perspective.  Give yourself the opportunity to find inspiration. You are
part of the universal creative energy. Spirit underlies everything. You didn't
come here to prove your worth or to find a
problem and fix it. You came to express your talents and abilities, to
realize your dreams. Meditation calms your conscious thinking mind, and helps
your
access your inner wisdom. Counting your breaths is the basic form, or you can
silently repeat a soothing word or phrase (like "peace of mind" or
"well-being"). When your mind wanders, and it will, come back to your breath (or
calming
words). Even ten minutes a day can make a
difference.


9. GET OUTSIDE HELP

See beyond your blind spots

It helps to talk about your feelings, no matter how stupid, strange or awful
they seem to you. An objective outsider can clear up confusion and liberate
your creative energy. Get counseling, either by yourself or with family members.
Find someone you trust and feel compatible with, and be willing to pour your
heart out. Examine both sides of any issue.  Don't follow advice blindly, but
do explore ideas that make sense to you to see what happens. Join a group of
people with similar interests or circumstances to yours. Try art, music, or
dance for fun and/or therapy. Read self-help books. Most have at least some
helpful nuggets, and can reassure you that you're not alone. Don't expect The
Answer, but serve yourself a smorgasbord of possibilities to take or leave as
you
like.


10. MOVE ON

Graduate to living fully

Trying to change someone is futile, no matter how much you care, or how badly
you think they need it. You have no control over what anyone else feels or
thinks. Do what
you can, and do your best, but not at your own expense.  Respect your own
boundaries.  Your first commitment should be to yourself and to learning as much
as possible from
what happens to you. Only when you're at peace with yourself can you make a
real contribution to anyone. Just live your own truth, be honorable, and intend
the best outcome for everyone involved.

Working things through can be healing when there's mutual respect, but if you
feel hopeless, scapegoated, threatened or frantic, retreat may be the only
appropriate choice,  at least for the moment. It could be as basic as leaving
the room briefly, or as extreme  as ending the relationship or moving away. But
be open to the possibility that they may  surprise you. Your changes alter the
context of the relationship, and eventually the  "problem" person may come to
treat you differently.

Pass along what you learn.


SUMMARY

Everyone comes into life with a purpose. The circumstances of your life
reflect to you what that is. The family you join has preexisting conditions,
beliefs, attitudes, distortion, patterns, and tendencies which influence you.
Because you need their support for your survival, you learn to adapt to what
they
expect from you. You compromise your natural inclinations and ideas so you can
fit in with theirs. But when you ignore your own truth, you feel bad. You get
sick. You create the opposite effect of what you intend.

The way out is to identify and investigate the internal obstacles that keep
you stuck.  Then think about what you'd rather have and what you have to do to
get it. Then you're on  the road to your true expression, a road that takes
you back and forth between those  obstacles and your passion for your dreams.

No matter what happens, trust that what you go through will enlighten you.
Change  doesn't happen overnight. It comes little by little, more and more, each
time you bring
awareness to a problem. Don't be discouraged. No one will be able to behave
perfectly  all the time. The most important thing is a dedication to trying
something new and
learning from your experience.

I wish you healing, faith and the courage to make your dreams come true.

        Suzanne



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Happy Holidays, Sad Holidays

Robert Burney M.A.


Holidays, Anniversaries, and Birthdays - set up by emotional expectations...

The holidays were always a very hard time for me emotionally.  Being alone on
Christmas and New Years Eve was very painful.  So painful that sometimes I
would arrange to be with someone or with a group of people just so I wouldn't be
alone.  That often was more painful than being alone.  And on those occasions
when I was in a relationship during the holidays it was also painful because
there was something missing, somehow I was failing the other person or she was
failing me because even though there were moments of Joy and Love, it never
felt quite like it "should" feel.

After I had been in recovery a few years - in the course of trying to figure
out how I set myself up to be a victim with my expectations - I had a very
important insight about holidays.  I realized that holidays - not just Christmas
and New Years Eve but Thanksgiving, Valentines Day, etc. - along with days
like anniversaries and my birthday were the times which I judged myself the
most.
  My expectations of what a holiday "should" be, of where I "should" be at a
certain age, of how my life "should" look at this particular time, were causing
me to unmercifully beat myself up.  I was buying into the disease voice which
was telling me that I was a loser and a failure (or going to the other
extreme and blaming someone else for my feelings.)  I was giving power to the
toxic
shame that told me that I was unworthy and unlovable.

I realized that I was judging myself against standards that weren't real,
against expectations that were a fantasy, a fairy tale.  The fairy tale that
everyone should be happy and cheerful during the Christmas holidays is
ridiculous
just like the myth of happily-ever-after is a false belief that doesn't apply
to this level of existence.  The holidays are just like every other day of the
year only magnified.  That means there will be moments of happiness and Joy
but there will also be moments of sadness and hurt.

Christmas is about Love and birth - rebirth.  The Winter Solstice is the time
of the longest darkness and marks the point of increasing light, the new
beginning.  Hanukkah is a celebration of, and time of, rededication.  Kwanzaa is
a
time of recommitment.  These are all times of both celebration and
introspection.  Of assessing the past and focusing on what we want to create in
the
future (New Years resolutions.)  Any new beginning, any birth or rebirth is a
also
an ending.  With every ending there is sadness, feelings of loss and grief.
Loss because of Loved ones who are no longer in our life, grief because Loved
ones who are still in our life cannot see us or understand us, sadness because
of things that ended and people we have had to let go of during the past
year.

What is so important, what has changed my experience of these Holidays
completely is allowing myself to accept the reality of my life (looking at both
the
half of the glass that is full as well as the empty part) and be wherever I
need to be emotionally - that is, allowing myself to be emotionally honest with
myself.  That does not mean that I have to be emotionally honest with other
people.  If I am feeling grief because I am alone on the Holiday it does not
serve me to share that with someone who is not being emotionally honest -
someone
who will shame me for not being cheerful.  If I am feeling hurt or scared or
angry I will only share that with someone who is a safe person to share with
emotionally - that is, they won't discount and invalidate my feelings or try to
fix me.

I don't have to live up to some false expectations about how I "should" be
feeling today.  It was trying to deny the pain and sadness, the anger and fear,
while judging myself as shameful for not feeling what I "should" feel or being
who I "should" be, that caused me to get depressed and suicidal.  When I am
in my feeling process I actually am a lot happier and feel more Joy than I ever
did before I learned how to be emotionally honest.  It was on Christmas about
10 years ago that I got real clear that I could feel more than one feeling at
once.  I was sad that it was Christmas and I was alone, and I was grieving
for all of the Christmases that I had been sad and alone - which were very valid
and legitimate feelings.  But as I went around to various clubhouses and
friend's homes that were having open houses, I could feel happy to see people I
cared about.  I could feel Joy and gratitude that I was in recovery and feeling
my feelings at the same time I was owning the sadness of that day and the
grief of all the lonely holidays that I had experienced.

It is so very important to stop judging ourselves against someone else's
standards and shaming ourselves due to a fantasy of where we "should be."  We
are
exactly where we are supposed to be. We are Spiritual Beings having a human
experience.  We are perfect in our Spiritual Essence, we are perfectly where we
are supposed to be on our Spiritual path and from a human perspective we will
never do human perfectly.

A natural normal part of our human experience is feeling the feelings - we
need to accept that.  No one who is being emotionally honest with themselves can
go through the holidays without feeling sadness and hurt, anger and fear.
The good news is that the more we are able to own those emotions the more
moments of peace, Joy, and happiness we can have.

So, have a happy, merry, sad, Joyous, painful, peaceful, scary, cheerful in
the moment Holiday season experiencing what it feels like to be alive in human
body.  Whatever your celebration: Christmas, Hanukkah, Winter Solstice,
Kwanzaa, New Years, etc. let it be about the new beginning; the rededication to:
the
recommitment to: the rebirth of; life.  But most of all, let it be about Love
by first of all Loving yourself enough to tell the critical parent voice in
your head to shut up with all the comparisons and shame and judgment.



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Abusive Relationships and Toxic Guilt
by Patty E. Fleener M.S.W

I believe that most of us, especially those of us who have mental health
disorders, feel guilt in situations where we have no business whatsoever feeling
guilt.

It is easy to just look at our behavior, the situation and ourselves and say
"I'm guilty! I am ashamed." Now let's back up a bit here.

When I say look at ourselves, it might benefit most of us to look a little
deeper. We are complex, complicated creatures and our motivation for doing or
not doing something is not just based on our personality, our will, etc.

What do I mean? Let me give you an example of something that may help you see
this picture more clearly.

I have been seeing a man who is extremely emotionally and verbally abusive.
Now of course I was not aware of his abuse issues at first but I will admit
that I saw red flags right from the start. Mind you, I have trained staff in
domestic violence, etc.

The situation I recently faced was a history of ten months seeing this guy,
addicted to him, and no matter how much I complained to him about his behavior,
I kept going back. I would continue to go back into a little denial that
really he is not abusive and that one day we will have a wonderful relationship.
I
had a very difficult time facing reality because like any addiction, I would
occasionally get what I call "adrenalin shots." These "shots" kept me hooked
in a situation that I could not get out of. I could not get out of this
relationship.

I did notice as I worked harder to get out, he trumped up his abuse. Finally
the emotional abuse became so bad that I just could no longer take the abuse
he threw at me.

Again I wrote him an email kindly asking him to end this thing between us as
it was killing me and that I was having a difficult time getting out. Now
imagine an abuser and their personality and their agenda. Would he kindly assist
me in this? Of course not.

Of course I knew it was my responsibility to get out I noticed that every
time I tried to get out I felt sick. I prayed and prayed to God and asked Him to
assist me, started journaling, which did help by the way, but I couldn't get
out and if I got close to getting out he knew just how to suck me back in.
Wonderful words he would say - tell me just what I needed to hear.

Abuse of any kind decreases your self-esteem and for me I felt like my mind
was literally being twisted. His behavior did NOT make sense and the more he
did strange stuff, the more twisted I felt.

During this time I felt TREMENDOUS guilt that I could not leave the
relationship. It was humiliating to keep enduring his abuse. Every one told me
he was
playing head games with me, playing with me, etc. This knowledge was very
difficult to assimilate and I so needed to believe that he truly loved and cared
about me and that I was special to him. I felt I couldn't face any other
reality, as it was too painful.

One day I was eating lunch and watching a movie on television in the midst of
all the craziness. In the movie the husband was verbally, emotionally and
physically abusing his wife. Two times in the movie he said to her, "I own you."
The first time it went over my head but the second time he said that to her my
jaw dropped and I probably looked shocked, like I had seen a ghost.

My father repeatedly told me he owned me when I was growing up. I never
understood that. Once in high school I remember him telling he how he wanted my
hair cut. I kindly said I wanted it cut differently and he in no uncertain terms
told me I belonged to him, I was his property and he will do with me what he
likes.

I had many times questioned whether my dad was verbally and emotionally
abusive to me for many years but I never got to the point where I completely
came
out of denial until now.

I think we are more inclined to unconsciously look for the environment we
were raised in, even if it was abusive. We are familiar with that environment
and
a non-abusive environment is strange.

People that have been abused don't see a lot of the red flags that others see
because that way of life for them I normal. Many of us feel that love is
pain.

It is vital to remember when you look back on your life or you are currently
facing a situation where you are unhappy with your behavior, that you are
struggling so much due to your history of abuse. You may appear "weak" and
unable
to get out of that situation without outside help. It says nothing about your
character but everything about your past.

So it is that in my opinion we go to therapy and learn what "normal" is so
that we can behave more and more that way and be attracted to healthy people.

Experiencing guilt is not looking at the entire picture and is inappropriate
in many cases.

There is "good" guilt that motivates us to do the right thing but in these
situations we are experiencing toxic shame as John Bradshaw calls it. Many of us
feel we are bad all the way to the core.

Should we crucify our parents for our issues now? No. They may have done the
best they can. Take a look at their family of origin.

We are always responsible for our behavior however and we are responsible to
get help if we feel like we are drowning.


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Healing Toxic Shame
By: J. Bailey Molineux
Oct 31, 2002, 16:15

Whatever you call it - low self-esteem, a poor self-concept or toxic shame -
if you don't sufficiently love yourself, you will not be able to find
happiness in your marriage or satisfaction in your life. I prefer to call this
condition toxic shame, a term that has been popularized by John Bradshaw, author
of
several self-help books. Bradshaw defines toxic shame as spiritual woundedness,
a failure to love yourself unconditionally as God loves you.

Toxic shame is the conviction that you are fundamentally flawed, bad,
inferior, inadequate, deficient, worthless or unlovable. It is a very painful
belief
which underlies many cases of depression, anxiety, marital problems, family
problems and addictions.

Toxic shame differs from guilt. Guilt is about your behavior. You feel guilty
about something you have done. Shame is deeper and more pervasive. It is
about your being. You feel badly about yourself.

You are not born with toxic shame. It is a learned attitude which passes from
generation to generation. You acquired it from your parents and pass it on to
our children, according to Bradshaw, even though you do not intend to do so.

I suspect most of us suffer from toxic shame to a greater or lesser degree
because none of us had perfect parents. However, it is often masked by
addictions, workaholic-ism, perfectionism, rage or blaming others, all of which
further
contributes to shame.

The first thing that must be done to heal toxic shame is to recognize you
carry it. The next thing to do is gather as much information about your
childhood, your parents and grandparents as you can. Find out where your shame
originated. Then - and this is the hard part - acknowledge the extremely painful
emotions caused by your toxic shame. Finally, reparent yourself; embrace your
shame; heal it directly.

Toxic shame can be healed on three levels: personal, interpersonal and
spiritual. On the personal level, learn to become more self-loving,
self-nurturing,
self-forgiving and self-accepting. In effect, reverse the negative messages
you may have received about yourself as a child.

On the interpersonal level, toxic shame usually results in a belief that if
other people really knew you, they would reject or criticize you. Its healing
involves testing this belief. Find some people whom you can trust, reveal
yourself to them and allow them to accept and appreciate you.

On the spiritual level, the belief in a personal God who loves you
unconditionally, or the belief that at the core of your being there is goodness
or
divinity, will help to heal your shame. These convictions are best developed and
nurtured in concert with other believers.

No person can heal another's shame. You cannot heal it indirectly through
your spouse, your children or your work. You must do it yourself by facing it
directly, with all its pain and ugliness, and transforming it into love.

In this journey, you are the healer and the healed.


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by
Susan Forward (Author)


http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0553284347/templeofwisdo-20


Book Description

When you were a child...

Did your parents tell you were bad or worthless?

Did your parents use physical pain to discipline you?

Did you have to take care of your parents because of their problems?

Were you frightened of your parents?

Did your parents do anything to you that had to be kept secret?

Now that you are an adult...

Do your parents still treat you as if you were a child?

Do you have intense emotional or physical reactions after spending time with
your parents?

Do your parents control you with threats or guilt?

Do they manipulate you with money?

Do you feel that no matter what you do, it's never good enough for your
parents?

In this remarkable self-help guide, Dr. Susan Forward drawn on case histories
and the real-life voices of adult children of toxic parents to help you free
yourself from the frustrating patterns of your relationship with your parents
-- and discover an exciting new world of self-confidence, inner strength, and
emotional independence.


Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com
All parents fall short from time to time. But Susan Forward pulls no punches
when it comes to those whose deficiencies cripple their children emotionally.
Her brisk, unreserved guide to overcoming the stultifying agony of parental
manipulation--from power trips to guilt trips and all other killers of self
worth--will help deal with the pain of childhood and move beyond the frustrating
relationship patterns learned at home.



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

How to Hug a Porcupine: Dealing With Toxic & Difficult to Love Personalities
by John L. Lund
���
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1891114344/templeofwisdo-20

Reviewer: A reader from USA�

How To Hug a Porcupine should be read by every person who is in or has been
in a toxic relationship. I found this book to be one of the most inspiring
self-help books I have ever read. I found it difficult to read at times, because
I
felt I was reliving my past. Dr. Lund starts out with a very detailed Table
of Contents, outlining every chapter. There are numberous case studies, I
appreciated the fact that they didn't always work out like the textbook said
they
should. There are quizzes to take. Specific step-by-step directions on how to
help you become a more healthy person despite the porcupines in your life. Dr.
Lund helps you learn how to use "armored gloves and other tools" in dealing
with any toxic person - young, old, spouse, child. Dr. Lund uses
similies/medaphors in describing behaviors. I have found many useful ideas in
helping me
become a more healthy person. This book is awesome, I highly recommend it!



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

In a war soldiers have to deny what it feels like to see friends killed and
maimed; what it feels like to kill other human beings and have them attempting
to kill you. There is trauma caused by the events themselves. There is trauma
due to the necessity of denying the emotional impact of the events. There is
trauma from the effects the emotional denial has on the person's life after
he/she has returned from the war because as long is the person is denying
his/her
emotional trauma she/he is denying a part of her/himself.

The stress caused by the trauma, and the effect of denying the trauma, by
denying self, eventually surfaces in ways which produce new trauma - anxiety,
alcohol and drug abuse, nightmares, uncontrollable rage, inability to maintain
relationships, inability to hold jobs, suicide, etc.�

Codependence is a form of Delayed Stress Syndrome.�

Instead of blood and death (although some do experience blood and death
literally), what happened to us as children was spiritual death and emotional
maiming, mental torture and physical violation. We were forced to grow up
denying
the reality of what was happening in our homes. We were forced to deny our
feelings about what we were experiencing and seeing and sensing. We were forced
to
deny our selves.�

We grew up having to deny the emotional reality: of parental alcoholism,
addiction, mental illness, rage, violence, depression, abandonment, betrayal,
deprivation, neglect, incest, etc. etc.; of our parents fighting or the
underlying
tension and anger because they weren't being honest enough to fight; of dad's
ignoring us because of his workaholism and/or mom smothering us because she
had no other identity than being a mother; of the abuse that one parent heaped
on another who wouldn't defend him/herself and/or the abuse we received from
one of our parents while the other wouldn't defend us; of having only one
parent or of having two parents who stayed together and shouldn't have; etc.,
etc.�


We grew up with messages like: children should be seen and not heard; big
boys don't cry and little ladies don't get angry; it is not okay to be angry at
someone you love - especially your parents; god loves you but will send you to
burn in hell forever if you touch your shameful private parts; don't make
noise or run or in any way be a normal child; do not make mistakes or do
anything
wrong; etc., etc.�

We were born into the middle of a war where our sense of self was battered
and fractured and broken into pieces. We grew up in the middle of battlefields
where our beings were discounted, our perceptions invalidated, and our feelings
ignored and nullified.�

The war we were born into, the battlefield each of us grew up in, was not in
some foreign country against some identified "enemy" - it was in the "homes"
which were supposed to be our safe haven with our parents whom we Loved and
trusted to take care of us. It was not for a year or two or three - it was for
sixteen or seventeen or eighteen years.�

We experienced what is called "sanctuary trauma" - our safest place to be was
not safe - and we experienced it on a daily basis for years and years. Some
of the greatest damage was done to us in subtle ways on a daily basis because
our sanctuary was a battlefield.�

It was not a battlefield because our parents were wrong or bad - it was a
battlefield because they were at war within, because they were born into the
middle of a war. By doing our healing we are becoming the emotionally honest
role
models that our parents never had the chance to be. Through being in Recovery
we are helping to break the cycles of self-destructive behavior that have
dictated human existence for thousands of years.�

Codependence is a very vicious and powerful form of Delayed Stress Syndrome.
The trauma of feeling like we were not safe in our own homes makes it very
difficult to feel like we are safe anywhere. Feeling like we were not lovable to
our own parents makes it very difficult to believe that anyone can Love us.�

Codependence is being at war with ourselves - which makes it impossible to
trust and Love ourselves. Codependence is denying parts of ourselves so that we
do not know who we are.�

Recovery from the disease of Codependence involves stopping the war within so
that we can get in touch with our True Self, so that we can start to Love and
trust ourselves.


Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls
by Robert Burney, therapist




HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

From ghoulies and ghosties
And long-leggedy beasties
And things that go bump in the night,
Good Lord, deliver us!
~Scottish Saying


AZRain Profile
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

"What we live with we learn,
    and what we learn
    we practice, and what we
    practice, we become....
    and what we become
    has consequences"......
    AND almost always, I have
    found, who we become
    has little to do with who
    we were meant to be.

Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls
by Robert Burney, therapist


HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

From ghoulies and ghosties
And long-leggedy beasties
And things that go bump in the night,
Good Lord, deliver us!
~Scottish Saying


AZRain Profile
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents















[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Journeys to the Emotional Frontier Within
By Robert Burney M.A.

"The way to stop reacting out of our inner children is to release the stored
emotional energy from our childhoods by doing the grief work that will heal
our wounds.  The only effective, long term way to clear our emotional process -
to clear the inner channel to Truth which exists in all of us is to grieve the
wounds which we suffered as children.  The most important single tool, the
tool which is vital to changing behavior patterns and attitudes in this healing
transformation, is the grief process.  The process of grieving.

We are all carrying around repressed pain, terror, shame, and rage energy
from our childhoods, whether it was twenty years ago or fifty years ago.  We
have
this grief energy within us even if we came from a relatively healthy family,
because this society is emotionally dishonest and dysfunctional."


Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls  by Robert Burney


Last month I mentioned two of the ways that many of us learned to distance
ourselves from our feelings - 'talking in the third person' and 'avoiding owning
our feelings verbally,' - a third very prevalent technique is story telling.

This is a very common method of avoiding our feelings.  Some people tell
entertaining stories to avoid feelings. They may respond to a feeling statement
by
saying something like 'I remember back in `85 when I. . .'  Their stories
might be very entertaining but they have no emotional content.

Some people tell stories about other people.  This is the stereotypical
Codependent of the joke about when a Codependent dies someone else's life passes
before their eyes.  They will respond to an emotional moment by telling an
emotional story about some friend, acquaintance, or even a person they read
about.
They may exhibit some emotion in telling the story but it is emotion for the
other person, not for self.  They keep a distance from their emotions by
attributing the emotional content to others.  If this type of stereotypical
Codependent is in a relationship everything they say will be about the other
person.
Direct questions about self will be answered with stories about the
significant other.  This is a completely unconscious result of the reality that
they
have no relationship with, or identity as, self as an individual.

Perhaps the most common story telling diversion is to get very involved in
the details of the story   'she said. . . . . then I said. . . . then she did. .
. . .'   The details are ultimately insignificant in relationship to the
emotions involved but because we do not know how to handle the emotions we get
caught up in the details.  Often we are relating the details in order to show
the
listener how we were wronged in the interaction.  Often we focus on how
others are wrong in reaction to the situation as a way of avoiding our feelings.

Here are two very typical examples of this type of emotional distancing
recently.  A person in obvious pain spoke for twenty minutes about a loved one
who
was dying.  For 19 and 1/2 minutes of that twenty the person talked of what
the doctor and nurses were doing wrong, of the details of incidents which
happened.  For a few brief seconds the person touched on their own feelings and
then
very quickly jumped back to the details of what was happening.  The other
example is my mother who is terrified of having a stroke and being partially
paralyzed for several years like her mother was.  Recently her older sister had
a
stroke.  My mother, in talking about what is happening, cannot talk about her
fear or pain, instead she talks about how her sister's children are behaving
incorrectly.

I am very sad to see people in this kind of emotional pain. I am sad that
they do not know how to be emotionally honest about what they are feeling.  This
is very typical and common in this emotionally dishonest society.  We have
been trained to be emotionally dishonest and need to go through a learning
process in order to retrain ourselves to allow ourselves to own the feelings.

An integral part of that learning process is grieving the wounds from our
childhood and earlier life.  By not grieving earlier losses there may be so much
suppressed energy that any current loss threatens to burst the whole dam of
emotions.  This literally feels life-threatening.

When I started to do my own emotional healing it felt like if I ever really
started crying that I wouldn't be able to stop - that I would end up crying in
a padded room someplace.  It felt as if I ever really let myself feel the rage
that I would just go up and down the street shooting people.  It was
terrifying.

When I first became willing to start dealing with the emotions it felt as if
I had opened Pandora's Box and that it would destroy me.  But I was led by my
Spiritual guidance to safe places to start learning how to do the grieving and
safe people to do it with.

Doing that grieving is overwhelming terrifying and painful.  It is also the
gateway to Spiritual Awakening.  It leads to empowerment, freedom, and inner
peace.  Releasing that grief energy allows us to start being able to be
emotionally honest in the moment in an age-appropriate way. It is, in my
understanding, the path that the Old Souls who are doing their healing in this
Age of
Healing and Joy need to travel to get clearer about their path and accomplish
their
mission in this lifetime.


Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls
by Robert Burney, therapist


HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

From ghoulies and ghosties
And long-leggedy beasties
And things that go bump in the night,
Good Lord, deliver us!
~Scottish Saying


AZRain Profile
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents















[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Emotions are energy.  Actual physical energy that is manifested in our
bodies.  Emotions are not thoughts - they do not exist in our mind.  Our mental
attitudes, definitions, and expectations can create emotional reactions, can
cause
us to get stuck in emotional states - but thoughts are not emotions.  The
intellectual and emotional are two distinctly separate though intimately
interconnected parts of our being.  In order to find some balance, peace, and
sanity
in recovery it is vitally important to start separating the emotional from the
intellectual and to start setting boundaries with, and between, the emotional
and mental parts of our self.

Many of us learned to live in our heads.  To analyze, intellectualize, and
rationalize as a defense against feeling our feelings.  Some of us went to the
other extreme and lived life based on our emotional reactions without any
intellectual balance.  Some of us would swing from one extreme to the other.
Living life in the extremes or swinging between the extremes is dysfunctional -
it
does not work to create a balanced, healthy, happy life.

If you learned to live life in your head it is vitally necessary to start
becoming more aware of your body and what is happening in your body emotionally.
Where is there tension, tightness?  Where is the energy manifesting in my
body?  I learned that when there is energy congregating in my upper chest it was
sadness.  If it was around my heart chakra it was hurt.  Anger and fear
manifest in my stomach.  Until I started to become aware of, and identify, the
emotional energy in my body it was impossible for me to be emotionally honest
with
myself.  It was impossible for me to start owning, honoring, and releasing the
emotional energy in a healthy way until I became aware that it was there.

I had to become aware that there were such things as emotions that lived in
my body and then I had to start learning how to recognize and sort them out.  I
had to become aware of all the ways that I was trained to distance myself
from my feelings.  I am going to mention a few of them here to help any of you
reading this in your process of becoming emotionally honest.

Speaking in the third person.  One of the defenses many of us have against
feeling our feelings is to speak of ourselves in the third person.  "You just
kind of feel hurt when that happens" is not a personal statement and does not
carry the power of speaking in the first person.  "I felt hurt when that
happened" is personal, is owning the feeling.  Listen to yourself and to others
and
become aware of how often you hear others and yourself refer to self in the
third person.

Avoiding using primary feeling words.  There are only a handful of primary
feelings that all humans feel.  There is some dispute about just how many there
are primary but for our purpose here I am going to use seven.  Those are:
angry, sad, hurt, afraid, lonely, ashamed, and  happy.  It is important to start
using the primary names of these feelings in order to own them and to stop
distancing ourselves from the feelings.  To say "I am anxious" or "concerned" or
"apprehensive" is not the same as saying "I am afraid."  Fear is at the root of
all those other expressions but we don't have to be so aware of our fear if
we use a word that distances us from fear.  Expressions like "confused,"
"irritated," "upset," "tense," "disturbed," "melancholy," "blue," "good," or
"bad"
are not primary feeling words.

Emotions are energy that is meant to flow: E - motion = energy in motion.
Until we own it, feel it and release it, it cannot flow.  By blocking and
repressing our emotions we are damming up our internal energy and that will
eventually result in some physical or mental manifestation such as cancer or
alzheimers disease or whatever.

Until we can start being emotionally honest with ourselves it is impossible
to be truly honest on any level with anybody.  Until we start becoming
emotionally honest with ourselves it is impossible to know  who we Truly are. 
Our
emotions tell us who we are and without emotional honesty it is impossible to be
True to our self because we don't know ourselves.

Of course there is a very good reason we have had to be emotionally
dishonest.  It is because we are carrying around unresolved grief - suppressed
pain,
terror, shame, and rage energy from our childhoods.  Until we deal with our
unresolved grief and start releasing the suppressed, pressurized emotional
energy
from our past it is impossible to be comfortable in our own skins, in the
moment, in an emotionally honest, age-appropriate way.  Until we become willing
to
take the journey to the emotional frontier within us we cannot Truly know who
we are, we cannot Truly  start to forgive and Love ourselves.


Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls
by Robert Burney, therapist


HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

From ghoulies and ghosties
And long-leggedy beasties
And things that go bump in the night,
Good Lord, deliver us!
~Scottish Saying


AZRain Profile
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents















[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Emotional Incest
By Robert Burney M.A.

"Consider a scenario where mother is crying in her bedroom and her three year
old toddles into the room. To the child it looks as if mom is dying. The
child is terrified and says, "I love you mommy!" Mom looks at her child. Her
eyes
fill with love, and her face breaks into a smile. She says, 'Oh honey, I love
you so much. You are my wonderful little boy/girl. Come here and give mommy a
hug. You make mommy feel so good.'

A touching scene? No. Emotional abuse! The child has just received the
message that he/she has the power to save mommy's life. That the child has power
over, and therefore responsibility for, mommy's feelings. This is emotional
abuse, and sets up an emotionally incestuous relationship in which the child
feels
responsible for the parent's emotional
needs.


A healthy parent would explain to the child that it is all right for mommy to
cry, that it is healthy and good for people to cry when they feel sad or
hurt. An emotionally healthy parent would "role model" for the child that it is
okay to have the full range of emotions, all the feelings - sadness and hurt,
anger and fear, Joy and happiness, etc."


Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls by Robert Burney


One of the most pervasive, traumatic, and damaging dynamics that occurs in
families in this dysfunctional, emotionally dishonest society is emotional
incest. It is rampant in our society but there is still very little written or
discussed about it.

Emotional incest occurs when a child feels responsible for a parents
emotional well-being. This happens because the parents do not know how to have
healthy
boundaries. It can occur with one or both parents, same sex or opposite sex.
It occurs because the parents are emotionally dishonest with themselves and
cannot get their emotional needs met by their spouse or other adults. John
Bradshaw refers to this dynamic as a parent making the child their "surrogate
spouse."

This type of abuse can happen in a variety of ways. On one end of the
spectrum the parent emotionally "dumps" on the child. This occurs when a parent
talks
about adult issues and feelings to a child as if they were a peer. Sometimes
both parents will dump on a child in a way that puts the child in the middle
of disagreements between the parents - with each complaining about the other.

On the other end of the spectrum is the family where no one talks about their
feelings. In this case, though no one is talking about feelings, there are
still emotional undercurrents present in the family which the child senses and
feels some responsibility for - even if they haven't got a clue as to what the
tension, anger, fear, or hurt are all about.

Emotional incest from either parent is devastating to the child's ability to
be able to set boundaries and take care of getting their own needs met when
they become an adult. This type of abuse, when inflicted by the opposite sex
parent, can have a devastating effect on the adult/child's relationship with
his/her own sexuality and gender, and their ability to have successful intimate
relationships as an adult.

What often happens is that 'Daddy's little princess' or 'Mommy's big boy'
becomes an adult who has good friends of the opposite sex that they can be
emotionally intimate with but would never think of being sexually involved with
(and
feel dreadfully betrayed by, when those friends express sexual interest) and
are sexually excited by members of the opposite sex whom they don't like and
can't trust (they may feel they are desperately 'in love' with such a person
but in reality don't really like their personality). This is an unconscious way
of not betraying mommy or daddy by having sex with someone that they are
emotionally intimate with and truly care about as a person.

Over the last ten years I have seen many different examples of how
emotionally dishonest family dynamics impact children. Ranging from the
twelve-year old
girl who was much too big to be crawling into mom's lap but would do so every
time mom started to cry because that interrupted her mother's emotional
process and stopped her crying, to the nine-year old boy who looked me in the
eye
and said "How am I supposed to start talking about feelings when I haven't my
whole life."

Then there is the little boy who by four-years old had been going to
twelve-step meetings with his mother for two years. At a CoDA meeting one day he
was
sitting on a man's lap only six feet away from where his mother was sharing and
crying. He didn't even bother to look up when his mother started crying. The
man, who was more concerned than the little boy, said to him, "Your mommy's
crying because she feels sad." The little boy looked up, glanced over at his
mother and said, "Yea, she's getting better," and went back to playing. He knew
that it was okay for mom to cry and that it was not his job to fix her.

That little boy, at four years old, already had healthier boundaries than
most adults - because his mother was in recovery working on getting healthier
herself. The best thing that we can do for any of our loved ones is to focus on
our own healing. And one of the cornerstones of healing is to forgive ourselves
for the wounds we suffered and for the wounds we inflicted. We were powerless
to behave any differently because of our programing and training, because of
our wounds. Just as our parents were powerless, and their parents before them,
etc. etc.

One of the traps of Codependence Recovery is that as we gain awareness of our
behavioral patterns and emotional dishonesty we judge and shame ourselves for
what we are learning. That is the disease talking. That "critical parent"
voice in our head is the disease talking to us. We need to stop buying into that
negative, shaming energy and start Loving ourselves so that we can change our
patterns and become emotionally honest.

There is hope. We are breaking the cycles of generations of emotional
dishonesty and abuse. We now have the tools and knowledge we need to heal our
wounds
and change the human condition. We are Spiritual Beings having a human
experience. We are perfect in our Spiritual essence. We are perfectly where we
are
supposed to be on our Spiritual path, and we will never be able to do human
perfectly. We are Unconditionally Loved and we are going to get to go Home.


Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls
by Robert Burney, therapist


HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

From ghoulies and ghosties
And long-leggedy beasties
And things that go bump in the night,
Good Lord, deliver us!
~Scottish Saying


AZRain Profile
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents















[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

A Dance of Suffering, Shame, and Self-abuse
by Robert Burney M.A.

"The reason that we have not been Loving our neighbor as ourselves is because
we have been doing it backwards. We were taught to judge and feel ashamed of
ourselves. We were taught to hate ourselves for being human."

"If I am feeling like a "failure" and giving power to the "critical parent"
voice within that is telling me that I am a failure - then I can get stuck in a
very painful place where I am shaming myself for being me. In this dynamic I
am being the victim of myself and also being my own perpetrator - and the next
step is to rescue myself by using one of the old tools to go unconscious
(food, alcohol, sex, etc.) Thus the disease has me running around in a squirrel
cage of suffering and shame, a dance of pain, blame, and self-abuse."

Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls

Codependence is an incredibly powerful, insidious, and vicious disease. It is
so powerful because it is ingrained in our core relationship with ourselves.
As little kids we were assaulted with the message that there was something
wrong with us. We got this message from our parents who were assaulted and
wounded in childhood by their parents who were assaulted and wounded in
childhood,
etc. etc., and from our society that is based on the belief that being human is
shameful.

Codependence is insidious because it is so pervasive. The core emotional
belief that there is something wrong with who we are as beings affects all of
the
relationships in our life and keeps us from learning how to Truly Love. In a
Codependent society value is assigned in comparison (richer than, prettier
than, more spiritual than, healthier than, etc.) so that the only way to feel
good
about self is the judge and look down on others. Comparison serves the belief
in separation which makes violence, homelessness, pollution, and billionaires
possible. Love is about feeling connected in the scheme of things not
separate.

Codependence is vicious because it causes us to hate and abuse ourselves. We
were taught to judge and shame ourselves for being human. At the core of our
relationship with ourselves is the feeling that we are somehow not worthy and
not lovable.

My father was trained that he was supposed to be perfect and that anger was
the only permissible male emotion. As a result, that little boy that made
mistakes and got yelled at felt like he was flawed and unlovable.

My mother told me how much she loved me, how important and valuable I was,
and how I could be anything that I wanted to be. But my mother had no
self-esteem and no boundaries so she emotionally incested me. I felt responsible
for her
emotional well-being and felt great shame that I couldn't protect her from
father's raging or the pain of life. This was proof that I was so flawed that,
though a woman might think I was lovable, eventually the truth of my
unworthiness would be exposed by my inability to protect her and insure her
happiness.

The church I was raised in taught me that I was born sinful and unworthy, and
that I should be grateful and adoring because God loved me in spite of my
unworthiness. And, even though God loved me, if I allowed my unworthiness to
surface by acting on (or even thinking about) the shameful human weaknesses that
I
was born with - then God would be forced, with great sadness and reluctance,
to cast me into hell to burn forever.

Is it any wonder that at my core I felt unworthy and unlovable? Is it any
wonder that as an adult I got trapped in a continual cycle of shame, blame, and
self-abuse?

The pain of being unworthy and shameful was so great that I had to learn ways
to go unconscious and disconnect from my feelings. The ways in which I
learned to protect myself from that pain and nurture myself when I was hurting
so
badly were with things like drugs and alcohol, food and cigarettes,
relationships and work, obsession and rumination.

The way it works in practice is like this: I am feeling fat; I judge myself
for being fat; I shame myself for being fat; I beat myself for being fat; then
I am hurting so badly that I have to relieve some of the pain; so to nurture
myself I eat a pizza; then I judge myself for eating the pizza, etc. etc.

To the disease, this is a functional cycle. The shame begets the self-abuse
which begets the shame which serves the purpose of the disease which is to keep
us separate so the we don't set ourselves up to fail by believing that we are
worthy and lovable.

Obviously, this is a dysfunctional cycle if our purpose is to be happy and
enjoy being alive.

The way to stop this cycle is two-fold and simple in theory but extremely
hard to implement on a moment-to-moment, day-to day basis in our lives. The
first
part has to do with removing the shame from our inner process. This is a
complicated and multi-leveled process that involves changing the belief systems
that are dictating our reactions to life (this include everything from positive
affirmations to grief/emotional energy release work, to support groups, to
meditation and prayer, to inner child work, etc.) so that we can change our
relationship with ourselves at the core and start treating ourselves in
healthier
ways.

The second part is simpler and usually harder. It involves taking 'the
action.' ('the action' refers to the specific behavior. We have to take action
to do
all of the things listed in the first part as well.) Changing the behavior
that is giving us a reason for the shame. Just saying 'no' - or 'yes' if the
behavior in question is something like not eating or isolating or not
exercising.
And even though it may sometime work in the short run to use shame and
judgment to get ourselves to change a behavior, in the long term - in alignment
with
our goal of having a more Loving relationship with ourselves so that we can
be happy - it is much more powerful to take that action in a Loving way.

This involves setting a boundary for the little child inside of us, who wants
instant gratification and instant relief, out of the Loving adult in us who
understands the concept of delayed gratification. (If I exercise every day I
will feel much better in the long run.) True pride comes from action taken. It
is false pride to feel good about ourselves in comparison because of looks,
talent, intelligence or for being forced to become spiritual, healthy, or sober.
Those are gifts. True pride is taking credit for the action we have taken to
foster, nurture, and maintain those gifts.

The way to break the self-destructive cycle, to stop the dance of shame,
suffering, and self-abuse, is to set Loving boundaries for ourselves in the
moment
of that desperate need for immediate gratification and to know that - though
it is not shameful if we can't do it perfectly or all the time - we need to
'just do it.' We need to stand up for our True Self to our wounded self in order
to Love ourselves.


Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls
by Robert Burney, therapist


HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

From ghoulies and ghosties
And long-leggedy beasties
And things that go bump in the night,
Good Lord, deliver us!
~Scottish Saying


AZRain Profile
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents















[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Family of Origin Roles: Who Are You?

The troubled or "dysfunctional" family does not always include obvious
afflictions such as alcohol or drug addiction, extramarital affairs, or physical
abuse. The troubled family could be one in which dad was emotionally unavailable
or mom was very controlling. The troubled family could be one in which one
parent found solace in work or academia, as the other parent enabled this
behavior by taking on the responsibilities of the entire family system. In cases
such
as these, the children are left exposed and vulnerable to the ailments of the
world, such as drug addiction or abusive and codependent relationships. The
troubled family could be your neighbors who look so normal, or the people
worshipping beside you at church. The troubled family could be the one in which
you
currently reside. However, there is hope.

At MARR, our patients and their families are educated on the roles in which
they take on as children in their families of origin. In the 1950s, social
worker Virginia Satir was a pioneer in defining the roles that individual family
members acquire in the troubled family, with therapists Don and Sharon
Wegscheider furthering Satir’s work in the early 1980s. Counselors in the
substance
abuse field have found this work imperative as they see firsthand how these
roles play themselves out in the "addicted family". For instance, if one parent
is
addicted to a substance, the other parent is the codependent, as the children
become the "mascot", "hero", "lost child", or "scapegoat".

If you believe you come from or currently live in a troubled family, in which
role did/do you find yourself? In what role did/do other family members fall?

Chemically Dependent or Avoider of Feelings: Root cause for the dysfunction
in the family. This person shifts the blame to someone else. He or she has
repressed feelings of pain, guilt, shame, fear, and anger/rage. This person is
out
of touch with reality and hides behind rigidity, aggressiveness, hostility,
self-righteousness, high standards for others, grandiosity, and perfectionism.
A chemically dependent will medicate pain through addictive substances; any
avoider of true intimacy will find an avenue in which to avoid feelings or real
connections with others (work, gambling, school, food, etc.)

Codependent: The one closest and the most depended upon by the addict/avoider—
usually a spouse. As the addict/avoider either loses control or further
detaches from the family, the codependent makes more decisions and takes on more
responsibility, thus enabling the addictive/avoidance behavior. This person
hides behind walls of martyrdom, seriousness, control, denial, people-pleasing,
care taking, protecting, rescuing, self-blaming, hostility and low self-worth.

Hero: Usually the oldest child. This child is super-responsible in order to
take the responsibility off the codependents’ shoulders. Makes good grades,
excels in a sport or activity to make the family look good. This child has
repressed feelings of guilt, inadequacy, loneliness, confusion, anger and hurt.

Mascot: Usually the youngest child. They provide comic relief to take the
heat off the family. Things seem easier when the mascot acts cute and immature.
This mascot is often not taken seriously. They have repressed feelings of being
crazy, scared, high anxiety, hurt, loneliness, confusion and pain. They
provide distraction and seek attention through clowning around. They tend to be
hyperactive and can’t handle stress.

Lost Child: The lost child may be the middle child. They are typically sweet,
quiet and shy. He or she hides behind walls of being withdrawn from the
family; a dreamer, super-independent, low academic achievement and promiscuous
behavior. But this child is perceived as the one in which the family doesn’t
have
to worry. This child tends to stay in their little fantasy world and often
ends up with a lot of emotional problems. They may have trouble making
decisions,
but can be very creative in the arts. The lost child has feelings of being
ignored, inadequacy, hurt, feeling unimportant, and anger. (Often the lost child
becomes the scapegoat in their adolescence (Often the lost child becomes the
scapegoat in their adolescence.)

Scapegoat: Often the second child. Their rebelliousness takes focus away from
the addict/avoider. They are strongly influenced by peer alliance outside of
the home because they don’t feel as if they belong in the family. They carry
the pain of the family, which is why they are called the scapegoat; they are
often blamed for the problems in the family though their behavior is the result,
not the cause of the dysfunction. They have repressed feelings of insecurity,
anger, hurt, rejection, fear, and loneliness. They act out via chemical abuse
and sexual promiscuity, and they are at high risk for suicide.

(Role definitions taken from Boundary Power by O’Neil and Newbold)



HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

From ghoulies and ghosties
And long-leggedy beasties
And things that go bump in the night,
Good Lord, deliver us!
~Scottish Saying


AZRain Profile
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series) by Melody Beattie

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0894866370/templeofwisdo-20


The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie is an excellent tool for anyone
who wants to work through the painful process of ending an unhealthy
relationship and to become more independent and empowered. Melody Beattie brings
you 50
cards to help remind you that each day you can ask for and accept the healing
energy of God and the Universe. Remember that you are all part of, and one
with, the continuous cycle of healing, and she urges you to live according to
the concepts of detachment and present-moment living. Reflecting on the core
issues of codependency, Melody Beattie encourages readers to trust themselves on
their journey to self-care. Each meditation is filled with the personal warmth
and insight Beattie brings to all of her books.



HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

From ghoulies and ghosties
And long-leggedy beasties
And things that go bump in the night,
Good Lord, deliver us!
~Scottish Saying


AZRain Profile
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes From, How It Sabotages Our
Lives by Pia Mellody

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0062505890/templeofwisdo-20


Synopsis: This book stands out among the current glut of material on
codependence because it claims the realm of parenting for its vantage point. The
authors believe that codependents must heal themselves in order not to repeat
the
"less than nurturing" behaviors of their own addicted or emotionally
dysfunctional parents. Hence, they couple strategies for recovery with
guidelines on
what is and is not "normal" in the parent-child relationship. The authors'
conclusions will invite controversy; for instance, they suggest that "emotional
sexual abuse" of children may lead to homosexuality in adulthood. Nor are they
reluctant to generalize: "Although physical and mental illness aren't
addictions,
their effect on the family is the same." Offsetting the opinionated
commentary is great compassion for the helpless, hurt children who live inside
adult
codependents.

A brilliant new guide to understanding the origins of codependence and the
path to recovery by a nationally recognized authority on dependency and
addiction. In this fresh new look at codependence, Pia Mellody traces the
origins of
this illness back to childhood, describing a whole range of emotional,
spiritual, intellectual, physical, and sexual abuses. Because of these earlier
experiences, codependent adults often lack the skills necessary to lead mature
lives
and have satisfying relationships.

Recovery from codependence comes from clearing up the toxic feelings left
over from childhood and learning to re parent oneself by intervening on the
adult
symptoms of codependence. Central to Mellody's concept is the idea of the
"precious child" that needs healing within each adult. She creates a framework
for identifying codependent behavior and describes an effective approach to
recovery that includes both therapy and self-help processes. Designed to be used
with her new workbook for codependents, Breaking Free, this is a powerful tool
for understanding the nature of codependence.



HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

From ghoulies and ghosties
And long-leggedy beasties
And things that go bump in the night,
Good Lord, deliver us!
~Scottish Saying


AZRain Profile
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Articles and Tips on Self-Love and Nurturing Your Soul - and How to Transform
Self Hate

http://www.cherylrainfield.com/articles.html


I am sure it is a great mistake always to know enough to go in when it rains.

One may keep snug and dry by such knowledge,
but one misses a world of loveliness.
-  Adeline Knapp


AZRain Profile
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


EVA Homesite
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Affirmation Cards to encourage self worth by Cheryl Rainfield

http://www.cherylrainfield.com/random_card.html




I am sure it is a great mistake always to know enough to go in when it rains.

One may keep snug and dry by such knowledge,
but one misses a world of loveliness.
-  Adeline Knapp


AZRain Profile
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


EVA Homesite
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Quandary: Who is the Victim, who is the Abuser?
by DR Irene


..."I printed out a lot of pages from this site for my husband because he is
an abuser. He thought it was all very interesting, but seems to feel I was the
abuser. He thinks I am playing games with his mind by refusing to have sex
with him when I don't want to. He resorts to emotional blackmail. This was
pointed out by our counselor when we were in marriage counseling.

To me its important they realize they are being abusive so they can get the
help they need to stop being abusive and change the way they think and their
beliefs. Am I wrong Dr Irene??? We have to realize we are victims and recognize
our codependent and victim behaviors so we can change them.

I ask because my husband just seems to think its all me..."

Am I Wrong?

No, you are not wrong. An individual cannot change themselves unless they
recognize that they are abusive, or codependent, or (fill in the blank).
Recognition is half the battle. Changing it is the other half.

Victim-Abuser?

What is going on when each partner thinks they are the victim of the other?
This situation, by the way, is the norm. The identified victim is screaming,
"Look what X is doing to me!" The identified abuser is screaming, "Look what Y
is doing to me!" What's going on?

First recognize that I am not talking extremes. It is not hard to pick out
the abuser and victim in cases of battery. But roles are rarely this clear-cut.
What about cases where both parties batter each other? What about partnerships
in which there is no battery, yet verbal and emotional abuse run rampant?

Labels Can Get Us Stuck

While invaluable in the recognition and identification of a phenomenon,
labels can present problems as well. Just as there is no such thing as "the
normal"
person (e.g., 2.3 kids, 1.5 dogs, etc.), there is no such thing as "the
victim" and "the abuser."�

Boundaries Or Withholding?

The identified victim usually needs to recognize when� his or her boundaries
have been violated and put a stop to it. The identified abuser usually needs
to recognize that their boundaries have not been violated when they are denied
entry into their partner's space.

For example: The above poster mentions that her husband felt she was being
abusive in refusing sex with him when she did not want sex. Throughout the site,
and elsewhere, the consensus is that if an individual does not want to make
love with their marital partner, it is their right - in fact it is their
responsibility to themselves - not to! The writer's husband interprets her
behavior
as "abuse" in that it constitutes a passive-aggressive withholding of what he
seeks. This is his point of view.

If she is not inclined to make love with him because he does not treat her
lovingly, which is what I read between the lines of this woman's post, her
husband feels abused - when, in fact, she is simply taking care of herself! He
cries "abuse" because she will not let him violate her boundaries / personal
space
- as he may be used to doing or expects to do.

The distinction between maintaining boundaries or behaving passive
aggressively can be murky because withholding is an element of abuse; many
abusive
individuals "specialize" in withholding sex, affection, compliments, etc. These
individuals feel justified� withholding loving behavior - because they have a
problem with how they were treated, etc. They will, rightfully from their point
of view declare, "I cannot make love to my partner because I was treated
poorly."

Yet, their idea of "poor treatment" may be that they felt ignored that their
partner was on the phone last night with mom for an hour. This is passive
aggressive tit-for-tat retaliation, not boundary setting.

Care For Yourself!

My approach with abusive individuals is to tell them that it is their job, n
ot their partner's job, to take care of themselves. In this case, I would
advise the lonely individual to speak up the next time they feel neglected by
their
partner. But, I also caution that while it is their responsibility to
initiate their request, it is also their responsibility to accept "no" for an
answer
- and without holding a grudge. After all, holding a grudge is like shooting
yourself in the foot. You aren't likely to endear yourself to anyone by being
cool or nasty towards them. "Acceptance" can be difficult for the individual
who implicitly and irrationally assumes that they are entitled to get "their
way."

Ditto with denied sex: it is your responsibility to ask for what you want,
but it is also your responsibility to gracefully accept "no" for an answer. Your
partner's feelings are as important as your feelings. Your partner has a
right not to make make love with you for whatever reason. When I am asked, "But,
what kind of marriage is that?" I am likely to advise that if an individual has
done everything in their power to be gracious, loving, and understanding
towards their partner (which is their responsibility to themselves), and sex is
still not forthcoming, then the individual needs to choose whether or not sex is
important enough to merit threatening the relationship. "Forcing" or cajoling
another to give what they don't want to give will only lead to resentment and
problems down the road. This holds true whether the partner is biochemically
disinterested, ill, overtly angry, or passive aggressive!

One of my favorite sayings is, "Ask for what you want once; or even twice.
After that, assume your partner heard you and will not or cannot give you what
you want. Accept it."

The Water Is Even Murkier

Asking, "Who is the abuser / who is the victim,"� implicitly questions which
partner is trying to exercise "control" over the other by their attempt to
meet their implicitly-held� entitlement demands; the classic "My Way" stuff.
However, once again, things are not so clear cut. The issue is clouded by the
fact
that nobody is perfect. Not even the saintliest victim will maintain his or
her cool all the time. Not even the most self-sacrificing victim will never
ever be passive-aggressive or (gasp!) controlling. In fact, victims are
extremely
controlling, though their objective is usually along the lines of being loved
and gaining approval. Nevertheless, the point is, we are human; we mess up
all the time.

The abuser person is expert at immediately picking up the slightest momentary
acting out. This guarded person is likely to mentally keep tabs, or never let
the victim forget their misbehavior. The victim, often too expert at soul
searching, recognizes their misbehavior - and gets lost in wondering if they are
the abuser! All this occurs while the abuse and trampling of boundaries
continues.

It Goes Two Ways

While I advise my victim people to continue their soul searching, for it is
good for them, I also caution that they give themselves the same (generous)
benefit of the doubt they give their partner. I also encourage these individuals
to recognize their equality and therefore expect consideration and benefit of
the doubt in return.

We are out of balance when we harbor implicit expectations about what we are
entitled to from our partner. We are also out of balance when we obsess over
our errors and what we didn't give.

Healthy thinking assumes:

the ability to reflect on and learn from one's mistakes�
a sense of worth and entitlement�
the ability to gracefully accept "no" for an answer.��

The Abusive Victim

In some cases, the abuse has gone on for so long, or the individual feels so
provoked; has put up with so much, or, for whatever reason, the victim is so
very, very angry, there is little benefit of the doubt left for the partner.
This is the victim who is likely to misbehave at every turn - and feel justified
in doing so. This is the victim who behaviorally and psychologically has come
to resemble the abuser: this person wants to push their abuser away, punish
and hurt them.��

Is this person a victim? An abuser? A victim-abuser? Good question. Sometimes
I don't know either. I remember the battered wife I treated for several
months. The next time I saw her, she was divorced, had horror stories; had been
in
a shelter, etc. But, her current boyfriend was preparing to leave her because
she was verbally abusive, had hit him several times, and blocked his access
with her car. This so-called "victim" dropped out of treatment as I started
confronting her on her misbehavior.

On the other hand, I remember the recovering addict who came to me to deal
with a self-proclaimed "anger problem." He was engaged in furious acting-out
with his former girlfriend in a never-ending courtroom battle over their child.
Although she allied herself with the battered woman's movement, it turns out he
was the victim! He knew no better than to blow up at her lies and
provocation. This young man stayed in treatment and turned his life around. He
still
doesn't attack, but he has learned to defend himself and fight back fairly and
well. Last I heard, he was "winning" in court.

So, who is the victim and who is the abuser? Seems to me that the individual
who takes responsibility for his or her life and thinks "smart" - is neither!

Smart Thinking

Back to the original poster whose question inspired this article. This savvy
lady took care of herself. She searched her soul, didn't give away the benefit
of the doubt -� and went on to answer her own question:

"This article really interested me because I did wonder if I was turning into
an abuser because of his constant remarks. But when I really think about the
things he "claims" are abuse, its just me setting my boundaries and him having
a huge problem with my boundaries."

Amen.


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]