When Misery is Company: Ending Self-Sabotage and Misery Addiction by Anne
Katherine

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1592850847/templeofwisdo-20


Synopsis: This book offers solutions to anyone who has felt victimized,
ostracized or left behind by life.

Why does happiness always seem to elude certain people? And why, when these
same people seem to be on the cusp of achieving happiness, do they sabotage
themselves?

This is the first book about addiction to misery, a common but subtle problem
that keeps many people from responding to counseling or therapy, healing from
old hurts, and experiencing fulfillment and joy. For people who are addicted
to misery, happiness itself is frightening and threatening. As a result, every
joy must be equalized by a setback. Too much success must be balanced by
failure.

People who are addicted to misery try to protect themselves against feeling
bad by not feeling too good. For them, happiness itself triggers a pattern of
decisions and behaviors that leads to emotional pain - pain that is comforting
in its familiarity. Because of the subtlety and contradictions of an addiction
to misery, many talented therapists and counselors may not recognize it and
those who have it often unable to see through it.

When Misery is Company not only explains the problem, it offers a practical,
step-by-step program for overcoming it-and living a life of joy and
fulfillment.



Boundaries (Fireside/Parkside Recovery Book) by Anne Katherine

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0671791931/templeofwisdo-20


Synopsis:Are Your Boundaries Being Violated?

Boundaries separate us from others physically and emotionally. In fact, they
are essential for our mental and physical health as well as for developing
healthy relationships. Yet every day, people's boundaries are violated by
friends, family, or coworkers. Despite the importance of personal boundaries
many
people are unaware of how or when these very important lines are crossed.

Which of the following are boundary violations?

Esther tells Betty a secret Mary told her.
Your therapist invites you to go for coffee.
Your boss wants to know the details of your personal life.
Your boss asks you if you'd like a hug.
Mom tells little Debbie about her troubles with Dad.
Your new neighbor pats you on the bottom as he turns away.
Your mother makes a comment about your being overweight.

All but one of the above incidents violate boundaries (your boss asks you if
you'd like a hug). In Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin, Anne Katherine
explains what healthy boundaries are, how to recognize if your personal
boundaries are being violated, and what you can do to protect yourself.

For anyone who has walked away from a conversation, a meeting, or a visit
with others feeling violated and not understanding why, this is a book that can
help.



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Just Exactly What is Codependence?

by Dr. Irene Matiatos

Some of the nicest people I know are codependent. They always smile, never
refuse to do a favor. They are happy and bubbly all the time. They understand
others and have the ability to make people feel good. People like them!

So, what is wrong with this? Nothing, really, unless the giving is one-sided
and so excessive that it hurts the giver. Then, the giver is showing the signs
of codependence.

Partners who go out of their way for each other are interdependent. Only
relatively healthy people are capable of interdependent relationships, which
involve give and take. It is not unhealthy to unilaterally give during a time
when
your partner is having difficulty. You know your partner will reciprocate
should the tables turn. Interdependency also implies that you do not have to
give
until it hurts. By comparison, in a codependent relationship, one partner does
almost all the giving, while the other does almost all the taking, almost all
of the time.

By giving, codependent people avoid the discomfort of entitlement. Giving
allows them to feel useful and justifies their existence. Rather than simply
approving of themselves, codependent people meet their need for self-esteem, by
winning their partner’s approval. Also, because they lack self-esteem,
codependent people have great difficulty accepting from others. One must feel
deserving
and entitled in order to accept what is offered.

Codependent behavior is not easy. It requires a lot of work. It hurts. These
individuals typically suffer with low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and
especially guilt, as well as other painful thoughts and feelings. They judge
themselves using far stricter criteria than they use to measure the performance
of others. While they are brutally critical of their own misbehavior, they are
very good at justifying and excusing the misbehavior of others.

Codependent people misplace their anger. They get angry when they shouldn't,
and don't get angry when they should. They have little contact with their
inner world and thus very little idea about how they feel. Usually, they don't
want to know because it gives rise to painful emotions. It is easier to stay on
the surface and pretend things are peachy keen, rather than deal with the stuff
going on inside.

If they were to look inside, they would find their emotional starvation. They
are busy taking care of others. Yet, they do not meet their own needs!

They may put up with abusive relationships or relationships that are not
fulfilling because any warm body beats (gasp) no warm body. Being alone is
perceived as scary, empty, depressing, etc. After all, who will deliver their
emotional supplies? Who will distract them so there is no time to deal with
their
inner life? Even an abusive relationship is better than no relationship.

These loving, giving people find interesting ways of explaining their
behavior to themselves. Loyal to a fault, a codependent individual is likely to
rationalize a loved one's disrespectful behavior by making excuses for them. "He
doesn't mean it." "It was not done with malice." "It is the best he can do."
"She had such an awful childhood." Etc., etc., etc.

The central concept is that the codependent individual "takes it" and
"understands," despite feeling hurt. Waiting for brownie points in heaven, or
for a
loved one to be magically healed through their persistent love and care taking,
they accept disrespect from others. It does not occur to the codependent
person that it is not OK to "take it" and "put up" no matter what!

Much of this abuse acceptance occurs without the codependent individual
feeling abused! More accurately, these individuals do not feel OK enough to
expect
respectful treatment at all times, and to notice when it is not forthcoming.
Having grown up in a home where a parent or sibling demanded inordinate
attention (due to addiction, illness, anger, or other problem), the codependent
person is trained to care for others. Having grown up in a difficult
environment, a
negative emotional climate is experienced as normal and familiar. This is why
there is often little recognition of disrespect. If their partner is angry or
upset, the codependent individual will implicitly assume that they did
something to cause the anger. It does not occur to them that it is their
partner's
responsibility to deal with their problem and to treat others respectfully. It
does not occur to them that it is their responsibility to themselves to stop
another person's demeaning behavior toward them. But, how can stop disrespect
when misbehavior is not perceived as disrespectful or abusive? Disrespect is
normal.

An unfortunate side effect of the codependent person's willingness to ignore,
excuse, or otherwise allow the partner's abuse or disrespect, enables the
misbehavior directed at them to continue and intensify. Implicit or explicit
permission to continue misbehaving is granted since the codependent partner
"understands."

Because codependent individuals are approval-driven, they cannot stand it
when others are angry at or disappointed with them. As such, they unwittingly
place themselves in a position to be taken advantage of. The more approval is
needed, the less likely is the individual to realize the extent of their
self-sacrifice in favor of tending to the needs of the other. This hurts
("Ouchhh!"),
and creates or maintains depression and low self-esteem, in a vicious,
downward spiral.

While abuse, disrespect, or unrequited sacrifice angers them, as it should,
codependent people do not realize how angry they are and at whom they are
angry! Targeting the appropriate person may jeopardize a source of approval and
self-esteem. To avoid facing reality, they distort it. Codependent individuals
are likely to somehow blame themselves and rationalize their "over-sensitivity."
They justify the other person's behavior by thinking they must deserve the
treatment they are getting. This is preferable to facing the possibility that an
individual who provides a measure of their self-esteem is hurting them.

  "Anger...is a signal that something is wrong and needs attention".

Anger is healthy. It is a signal that something is wrong and needs attention.
However, if the source of anger is not articulated, how can it be fixed?
Codependent people are expert at denying anger and turning it against the self -
into sadness and depression. Instead of asking themselves why are they are
putting up with… (fill in the blank), they ask themselves how they could have
behaved differently - to obtain a more favorable reaction from their partner!

Unarticulated anger is often misdirected and expressed  inappropriately.
Anger may be experienced as resentment, expressed as an aggressive blow-up, or
in
passive-aggressive acting out. The cognitive and verbal skills to
appropriately assert oneself are lacking.

Since codependent people are experts at controlling other people's thoughts,
feelings, and behavior, they feel hurt that others don't reciprocate and
"know" what they need. "If they really loved me, they would know." Not so! Since
codependents do not have the self-esteem to ask for what they secretly want,
they are unlikely to get it. If they do make a request, it is often a roundabout
hint. If their partner cannot decipher the request, they feel hurt and
unloved. They believe they conveyed their desires, when, in fact, they have not!

Because most codependent individuals are control-oriented, they are very
responsible. They are great employees. Tasks are done thoroughly and on time.
Even
parts of the job that are not theirs get picked up if coworkers are
neglectful or slow. They try to control outcomes, whether those outcomes are
completed
job tasks or reactions from other people. Anything for approval.

However, some codependent individuals are very irresponsible, in select or
diverse life areas. They don't know how to or don't feel the need to take care
of some of their own basic needs, especially if there is another person to care
for instead. Why spend the time trying to figure out what the self needs,
when the self doesn't really matter anyway? It is far more preferable to be out
avoiding one's own issues: out having fun, hunting for a partner, or
self-medicating feelings.

Codependent people are addiction prone. They may drink too much, shop too
much, eat too much, etc. Dulling the senses is a great way to avoid knowing
yourself and dealing with your feelings. Intimacy is avoided. Intimate behavior
requires familiarity and comfort with one's internal world. Since the
codependent
person regards ordinary human needs as shameful, embarrassing, dangerous, or
otherwise uncomfortable, meeting basic needs are often dismissed.

Any relationship that ignores the self is superficial. Unfortunately,
superficial relationships are safe...but empty and unfulfilling.

Control is central to the "MO" of the codependent person. They control their
self-esteem by catering to others' needs. They control by their
over-responsible performance, picking up where others leave off. They control by
avoiding
intimacy or by clouding the mind. They control by advising others on what to do.
These individuals work very hard to control everything and everybody. Yet,
they neglect the one person they do have control over: themselves. Read an
example of taking control here.


Why Be Codependent?

by Dr. Irene Matiatos

Why would anybody spend time and energy to control outcomes, while actively
neglecting the inner self? How can they do this and not realize they are
selling themselves short? The Why: they know no other way; the How: they
received
very good training early in life.

Any dysfunction in the family predisposes a child to codependent behavior.
Children are biologically programmed to seek love and approval. They have to be
cared for or they will die. When a parent or family member is dysfunctional,
the child tends to focus on this person--rather than on enjoying a carefree and
joyful kid existence. The child has to worry: if the caretaker does not care
take, the child dies. For example, in an alcoholic home, little Sally has to
worry about whether she can bring friends home - because daddy may be in a bad
mood and embarrass her. Such events are training her in codependent thinking,
the art of anticipating the other person. If mom is physically ill, Teddy has
to worry about exerting her. Who would care for him if anything happened to
her? If daddy is angry and controlling, Timmy needs to worry about pleasing him
to avoid punishment and humiliation - and to get his conditional love and
approval.

Children are naturally egocentric. That means that they see the world
revolving around them. If mom and dad fight, children feel that it is somehow
their
fault. Julie may try to make her parents happy by getting straight As in school
in an attempt to keep the parental marriage together. Another child may have
an abusive, or simply overactive older sibling. Since the parents cannot be
there at all times to police the situation, the younger sibling may learn to
anticipate the sib's moods and to behave in ways that might increase the
probability of "safety." Or, perhaps daddy is depressed. Jennifer may tiptoe
around
him wondering if he is unhappy because she is not good enough. And so on. In
sum,  codependent thinking tends to develop any time a child is growing up in a
home where life is not care free. Often, addiction can be traced in the family
tree of these dysfunctional families, whether there is an active addict in
residence, or not. Nevertheless, these kids have an adult they have to worry
about!

The codependent-in-training is taught to walk on eggshells. To ensure
survival, the child learns to be extraordinarily sensitive in reading the moods
and
thoughts of others. The child learns very early to pay attention to and tiptoe
around the dysfunctional family members - at the child's expense. These
interactions take place silently, implicitly. The child learns to ignore the
self's
inner needs, instead pretending that all is OK.

When I tell my clients that codependent adults were once children who had an
adult to worry about, some sharply disagree. They tell me about the loving
families they came from and insist that their family members were "wonderful,"
etc. As denial melts and self-awareness develops, they begin to recognize the
failings in a caregiver that spawned their selflessness. Sometimes, both parents
were codependent, modeling no other behaviors for the child to learn.


Help! Can I Fix it?

by Dr. Irene Matiatos

Good news! You certainly can! You can get control over your life! You can
stop trying to control the lives of others and take charge of yourself!
While children are truly not responsible for their actions, adults are. To
experience a more satisfying life, it becomes incumbent upon the adult to take
control of the unavoidable childhood or present-day scars they experienced.
Parent don't set out to hurt their children; neither do abusive partners! We get
hurt and we in turn hurt others because we are imperfect. We may never achieve
perfection, but we can improve.

It is important to remember that we are in part a product of our environment.
If we mis-behave, we have learned to do so. The good news is that what was
learned can be unlearned or modified. The best news is that, in my experience,
codependency issues are in most cases not particularly difficult problems to
deal with.

I find a blend of cognitive behavior therapy with an emphasis on cognitive
and verbal skills training combined with a 12-Step approach very effective. Many
self-help resources are available from books to support groups, as well as
professional guidance. "Codependence" is cocktail party talk. Walk into your
local book store's self-help or psychology section and look around. Melodie
Beattie and Pia Mellody are two of my favorite authors in the field. Also, check
out some of Albert Ellis' cognitive-behavioral work that helps in stamping out
irrational codependent thinking. Self-help groups such as ALANON and CODA are
12-Step programs that have their own formula help change codependent behavior.

So, go to therapy. Read, get to a meeting. Get yourself evaluated for
medication if you are depressed. Do whatever you need to do. As an adult, you
have
options. You can take control of your life! You are the only one who can take
control of your life.



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

The Inner Child Workbook: What to Do With Your Past When It Just Won't Go
Away by Cathryn L. Taylor

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/087477635X/templeofwisdo
-20






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In the Meantime: Finding Yourself and the Love You Want by Iyanla Vanzant

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0684848066/templeofwisdo-20

Synopsis: Self-help counselor Vanzant talks about creative and honest use of
the "meantime" between relationships to help women (and men) avoid repeating
unproductive behaviors of the past. You know where you want to be, but you have
no clue how to get there. You know exactly what you want in life, but what
you want is nowhere in sight. Or perhaps your vision is unclear, your purpose
still undefined. On top of it all, your relationships, particularly your
romantic relationships, are failing. If these scenarios feel familiar way down
in the
deepest part of your gut -- then you, my dear, are smack dab in the middle of
the meantime.

Every living being wants to experience the light of love. The problem is that
our windows are dirty! The windows of our hearts and minds are streaked with
past pains and hurts, past memories and disappointments. In this book, Iyanla
Vanzant teaches us how to do our mental housekeeping so that we can clean the
windows, floors, walls, closets, and corners of our minds. If we do a good
job, our spirits will shine bringing in the light of true love and happiness.


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

The Twelve Steps TO Codependency


We admitted we were powerless over nothing—that we could manage our lives
perfectly and those of anyone else who would allow us to.

Came to believe there was no power greater than ourselves and the rest of the
world was insane.

Made a decision to have our loved ones and friends turn their wills and lives
over to our care, even though they couldn't understand us at all.

Made a searching and fearless moral and immoral inventory of everyone we
knew.

Admitted to the whole world at large the exact nature of everyone else's
wrongs.

Were entirely ready to make others straighten up and do right.

Demanded others to either shape up or ship out.

Made a list of all persons who had harmed us, and became willing to go to any
lengths to get even with them all.

Got direct revenge on such people wherever possible, except when to do so
would cost us our own lives or at the very least a jail sentence.

Continued to take personal inventory of others and when they were wrong,
promptly and repeatedly told them about it.

Sought through bitching and nagging to improve our relations with others as
we couldn't understand them, asking only that they knuckle under and DO IT MY
WAY.

Having had a complete physical, emotional, and spiritual breakdown as a
result of THESE STEPS, we tried to blame it on others and to get sympathy and
pity
in all our affairs.

~Author Unknown


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Codependency and Christian Living

Codependency is one of the most underestimated issues within the church
today.  It affects everyone.  Let me repeat, it affects everyone.  We tend to
think
it is just something that is benign and if left alone, time will heal.
Nothing could be further from the truth.  When we do not acknowledge our
codependency, we become toxic, shame-driven, fear-driven people.  It give
opportunity
for other addictions to substances, relationships, and behaviors to grow in our
lives which become life-controlling and rob us of the joy of living.
Celebrate Recovery is especially for you if you struggle with codependency.

On the surface, codependency messages sound like Christian teaching -

“Codependents always put others first before taking care of themselves.”
(Aren’t Christians to put others first?)

“Codependents give themselves away.”  (Shouldn’t Christians do the same?)

“Codependents martyr themselves.”  (Christianity honors its martyrs.)

Those statements have a familiar ring, don’t they? Then how can we
distinguish between codependency, which is unhealthy to codependents and their
dependents, and mature faith, which is healthy.

Codependency says:

I have little or no value.
Other persons and situations have all the value.
I must please other people regardless of the cost to my person or my values.
I am to place myself to be used by others without protest.
I must give myself away.
If I claim any rights for myself, I am selfish.
If I have boundaries that protect me, I'm wrong or self-centered.

Jesus taught the value of the individual. He said we are to love others equal
to ourselves, not more than. A love of self forms the basis for loving
others. The differences between a life of service and codependency take several
forms.

Motivation differs. Does the individual give his service and himself out of
free choice or because he considers himself of no value? Does he seek to “
please people”? Does he act out of guilt or fear? Does he act out of a need to
be
needed (which means he actually uses the other person to meet his own needs;
the helpee becomes an object to help the helper achieve his own goals). (See
Enabling)

Service is to be an active choice. The person acts; codependents react.

Codependents behavior is addictive rather than balanced. Addictions control
the person instead of the person being in charge of their own life.


Enabling

Helping or Harming?

Enabling is defined as reaction to a person in such a way to shield him or
her from experiencing the full impact of the harmful consequences of behavior.
Enabling behavior differs from helping in that it permits or allows the person
to be irresponsible.

PROTECTION from natural consequences of behavior.
KEEPING SECRETS about behavior from others in order to keep peace.
MAKING EXCUSES for the behavior. (School, friends, legal authorities, work,
family members.)
BAILING OUT of trouble. (Debts, fixing tickets, paying lawyers, providing
jobs.)
BLAMING OTHERS for dependent persons behavior. (Friends, teachers, employers,
family, self.)
SEEING THE PROBLEM AS THE RESULT OF SOMETHING ELSE. (Shyness, adolescence,
loneliness, child, broken home.)
AVOIDING the chemically dependent person in order to keep peace.
(Out-of-sight, out-of-mind.)
GIVING MONEY THAT IS UNDESERVED/UNEARNED.
ATTEMPTING TO CONTROL. (Planning activities, choosing friends, getting jobs.)

MAKING THREATS that have no follow through or consistency.
TAKING CARE OF the chemically dependent person. (Doing what he/she should be
expected to for themselves.)


Top Codependency and the Christian Definition Qualities:

I assume responsibility for others feelings and behaviors.
I feel guilty about others feelings and behaviors.
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I have difficulty expressing feelings.
I am afraid of my anger, yet sometimes erupt in a rage.
I worry how others may respond to my feelings, opinions, and behavior.
I have difficulty making decisions.
I am afraid of being hurt and/or rejected by others.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
I am afraid to express differing opinions or feeling.
I value others opinions and feelings more than my own.
I put other people's needs and desires before mine.
I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise, or gifts.
I judge everything I think, say, or do harshly, as never "good enough."
I am perfectionistic.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable and worthwhile person.
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others anger.


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S U R V I V I N G  A   D Y S F U N C T I O N A L   F A M I L Y

Ten  Ways  To  Make  Peace  With  The  Past
And   Create   A   New   Future

Our families are our first and most influential bonds, the foundation for our
personalities and our relationships with others. But too often those
interactions  are destructive instead of nurturing. From the moment our lives
begin,
our  physical helplessness makes us dependent on the people closest to us for
survival and information, and we learn how to behave so that we get what we
need. Professionals and lay people alike estimate that at least 90% of American
families  are dysfunctional. The distortion of our free expression for the
sake of superficial  harmony creates patterns that spread through our ideas and
behavior to promote  personal, social and political dysfunction.

Are you confused about what you want and how to get it? Do your emotions
sometimes overwhelm you and make you reluctant to act? Are you trapped in
situations that drain your energy? Do you find yourself struggling with the same
problems over and over? Are you afraid of people you admire and nice to people
you can't stand?

What may be holding you back from building the life you dream of are
unconscious attitudes and automatic behaviors you learned at an early age
because you
thought you needed them to survive. (As you may well have.) The good news is
that you don't have to be a victim of your upbringing. Although a dysfunctional
past can crush your self-esteem, confuse you and distort your relationships,
you can begin now to set yourself free from those patterns and create the life
you want. The distortion of your natural instincts can be reversed. You are a
unique expression of the universal life force which has crystallized into
your physical form to reflect your spirit's journey.  No one else ever has or
will affect the world as you do. With every act, word or thought you are adding
to the All-That-Is.

Surviving a dysfunctional family doesn't necessarily mean getting along
better with your relatives. You make peace with the past by using difficult
situations, thoughts, emotions and people as opportunities to discover meaning
and
purpose in life. You create a new future by drawing on your innate wisdom to
help you overcome your obstacles, reawaken your dreams, realize your best self,
and discover within you the powerful urge to love in even the most trying
circumstances that's been inside you all along, no matter how long you've been
unaware of it.

The following simple principles can show you how to grow through experience
and transform your life and relationships. If you approach your problems as
opportunities
to discover meaning and purpose in your life, you can deepen your capacity to
love in even the most difficult circumstances, and make a difference both
personally and in
society.

Here are ten ways to spark change in your life:

1. SET A NEW COURSE

Finding your own preferences

This new course is first an internal one, which paves the way for the
external changes.  If you're not satisfied with your life the way it is, begin
by
imagining that, no matter
how bad or how good, it can get better. Accept that what happens in your life
is largely up to you, and make it a priority to figure out how to create the
life you want.  Do what uplifts you. Allow yourself to feel excited about your
possibilities. Take time every day to think about what you want. Pay close
attention to ideas and feelings that light you up. Great results may require
great risks. Courage is accepting reality as it is and taking action to shape it
into what you want. What you dedicate yourself to, you can create. To
jump-start this process, give your brain a challenge by writing your full name
three
times with your non-dominant hand. Or take a new route or means of
transportation to work.  Savor the freedom in it and build on it, one small step
at a
time.


2. TRUST YOUR INTUITION

Accessing your inner wisdom

When you hear "that little voice," listen. Trust your gut feelings. Within
you is a guidance system that announces itself through your ideas and emotions.
Give yourself the
benefit of the doubt. Life can be confusing, and some people do try to
manipulate you in devious ways. If something doesn't feel right, it may mean
that
it's not for you. Wonder about why not, and what you'd like instead. Stand your
ground. Believe in yourself in the face of criticism. No one else can tell you
what you need or want. Have good intentions. Let your sense of integrity
guide you.  Don't second-guess yourself. All you can do is what you think is
best
at the moment. Try completing the phrase, "Wouldn't it be great if..." to
break the pattern of negativity.  Wouldn't it be great if you could live the
life
you dream of?


3. LOOK FOR A SILVER LINING

Developing a positive attitude

How things appear is affected by how you look at them. Search for the
positive. Negative interpretations dull your energy and ability to cope. No
matter
how bad a
situation seems, find something in it to appreciate. Ask yourself, what good
could come from this? What can I learn here? The answers you get are
indicators of what to
do next. You already have inside you the resources to build the life you
want. You just have to learn how to use them.


4. TAKE A STEP BACK

Separating motivation from unconscious patterns

Be on the lookout for destructive habitual patterns. Noticing is the first
step to breaking them. Don't fight them, just observe your thoughts and
feelings. The deeper you can go, the more you unravel the stuck places in your
heart
and mind. Bring spirit into the process by inviting metaphysical help in any
form that works for you.  Don't be influenced by others' opinions unless they
inspire you. See criticism as an automatic response based in the other person's
own fears. You don't have to convince any one of your right to have your life
as you want it.


5. WATCH WHAT YOU SAY

Developing effective communication

Tell the truth. Be kind. Say good things, especially to yourself. A little
goes a long way.  Speak carefully. Emphasize the positive. Be aware of your
effect on others. Don't assume you're being understood. When you realize you've
made a mistake, apologize face to face if possible, so you can look the other
person in the eye. Don't interrupt. Don't gossip. It wastes time you could be
using to empower yourself. Don't give advice unless you're asked.  Choose your
battles. If someone gets angry at you, stop doing whatever triggers them, no
matter how right you think you are, until you can find a better way to
communicate. Why make yourself a target? Know when to shut up or decline to
answer.
Watch what you listen to. Don't dismiss different points of view. Don't listen
just to what someone says-- try to understand why they're saying it. Don't put
up with disrespect, manipulation or negative thinking from anyone, including
yourself.


6. DON'T KEEP SCORE

Setting your own standards

Life isn't about success or failure. Although both teach valuable lessons,
realizing your potential is the core challenge. Adversity can develop strength.
Even a losing battle can be the perfect challenge to show you your direction
in life.  If a dream sours, let it go without judgment or remorse. Assume it's
no longer relevant, and look for new options. Accepting change brings peace of
mind. It could be a stepping stone to a better situation.


7. NO VICTIMS, NO VILLAINS

Every situation brings exactly what you need to wake up

You are not responsible for anyone else, nor are they for you. Relationships
are like jigsaw puzzles. All the pieces fit together to create the whole.
There's no guilt, no blame, no shame. Accept each moment as if you'd chosen it.
Allow things to be as they are. Holding a grudge drains your energy. If someone
hurts you, look for what you can learn from it. Forgiveness doesn't mean it
was okay with you; it means releasing the person's power to upset you. You may
never forget, but letting go of your resentment is more productive. This goes
double for forgiving yourself.


8. MEDITATE AND TREAT YOURSELF WELL

Nourishing yourself

Make time to have fun and enjoy life. Laugh. Let yourself dream your fondest
dreams.  Celebrate your successes, big or small. Take walks in nature. Spend
time alone. Exercise, rest and eat when you need to, and drink lots of water.
Something as simple as a warm bath or short walk can do wonders in improving
your perspective.  Give yourself the opportunity to find inspiration. You are
part of the universal creative energy. Spirit underlies everything. You didn't
come here to prove your worth or to find a
problem and fix it. You came to express your talents and abilities, to
realize your dreams. Meditation calms your conscious thinking mind, and helps
your
access your inner wisdom. Counting your breaths is the basic form, or you can
silently repeat a soothing word or phrase (like "peace of mind" or
"well-being"). When your mind wanders, and it will, come back to your breath (or
calming
words). Even ten minutes a day can make a
difference.


9. GET OUTSIDE HELP

See beyond your blind spots

It helps to talk about your feelings, no matter how stupid, strange or awful
they seem to you. An objective outsider can clear up confusion and liberate
your creative energy. Get counseling, either by yourself or with family members.
Find someone you trust and feel compatible with, and be willing to pour your
heart out. Examine both sides of any issue.  Don't follow advice blindly, but
do explore ideas that make sense to you to see what happens. Join a group of
people with similar interests or circumstances to yours. Try art, music, or
dance for fun and/or therapy. Read self-help books. Most have at least some
helpful nuggets, and can reassure you that you're not alone. Don't expect The
Answer, but serve yourself a smorgasbord of possibilities to take or leave as
you
like.


10. MOVE ON

Graduate to living fully

Trying to change someone is futile, no matter how much you care, or how badly
you think they need it. You have no control over what anyone else feels or
thinks. Do what
you can, and do your best, but not at your own expense.  Respect your own
boundaries.  Your first commitment should be to yourself and to learning as much
as possible from
what happens to you. Only when you're at peace with yourself can you make a
real contribution to anyone. Just live your own truth, be honorable, and intend
the best outcome for everyone involved.

Working things through can be healing when there's mutual respect, but if you
feel hopeless, scapegoated, threatened or frantic, retreat may be the only
appropriate choice,  at least for the moment. It could be as basic as leaving
the room briefly, or as extreme  as ending the relationship or moving away. But
be open to the possibility that they may  surprise you. Your changes alter the
context of the relationship, and eventually the  "problem" person may come to
treat you differently.

Pass along what you learn.


SUMMARY

Everyone comes into life with a purpose. The circumstances of your life
reflect to you what that is. The family you join has preexisting conditions,
beliefs, attitudes, distortion, patterns, and tendencies which influence you.
Because you need their support for your survival, you learn to adapt to what
they
expect from you. You compromise your natural inclinations and ideas so you can
fit in with theirs. But when you ignore your own truth, you feel bad. You get
sick. You create the opposite effect of what you intend.

The way out is to identify and investigate the internal obstacles that keep
you stuck.  Then think about what you'd rather have and what you have to do to
get it. Then you're on  the road to your true expression, a road that takes
you back and forth between those  obstacles and your passion for your dreams.

No matter what happens, trust that what you go through will enlighten you.
Change  doesn't happen overnight. It comes little by little, more and more, each
time you bring
awareness to a problem. Don't be discouraged. No one will be able to behave
perfectly  all the time. The most important thing is a dedication to trying
something new and
learning from your experience.

I wish you healing, faith and the courage to make your dreams come true.

        Suzanne



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Happy Holidays, Sad Holidays

Robert Burney M.A.


Holidays, Anniversaries, and Birthdays - set up by emotional expectations...

The holidays were always a very hard time for me emotionally.  Being alone on
Christmas and New Years Eve was very painful.  So painful that sometimes I
would arrange to be with someone or with a group of people just so I wouldn't be
alone.  That often was more painful than being alone.  And on those occasions
when I was in a relationship during the holidays it was also painful because
there was something missing, somehow I was failing the other person or she was
failing me because even though there were moments of Joy and Love, it never
felt quite like it "should" feel.

After I had been in recovery a few years - in the course of trying to figure
out how I set myself up to be a victim with my expectations - I had a very
important insight about holidays.  I realized that holidays - not just Christmas
and New Years Eve but Thanksgiving, Valentines Day, etc. - along with days
like anniversaries and my birthday were the times which I judged myself the
most.
  My expectations of what a holiday "should" be, of where I "should" be at a
certain age, of how my life "should" look at this particular time, were causing
me to unmercifully beat myself up.  I was buying into the disease voice which
was telling me that I was a loser and a failure (or going to the other
extreme and blaming someone else for my feelings.)  I was giving power to the
toxic
shame that told me that I was unworthy and unlovable.

I realized that I was judging myself against standards that weren't real,
against expectations that were a fantasy, a fairy tale.  The fairy tale that
everyone should be happy and cheerful during the Christmas holidays is
ridiculous
just like the myth of happily-ever-after is a false belief that doesn't apply
to this level of existence.  The holidays are just like every other day of the
year only magnified.  That means there will be moments of happiness and Joy
but there will also be moments of sadness and hurt.

Christmas is about Love and birth - rebirth.  The Winter Solstice is the time
of the longest darkness and marks the point of increasing light, the new
beginning.  Hanukkah is a celebration of, and time of, rededication.  Kwanzaa is
a
time of recommitment.  These are all times of both celebration and
introspection.  Of assessing the past and focusing on what we want to create in
the
future (New Years resolutions.)  Any new beginning, any birth or rebirth is a
also
an ending.  With every ending there is sadness, feelings of loss and grief.
Loss because of Loved ones who are no longer in our life, grief because Loved
ones who are still in our life cannot see us or understand us, sadness because
of things that ended and people we have had to let go of during the past
year.

What is so important, what has changed my experience of these Holidays
completely is allowing myself to accept the reality of my life (looking at both
the
half of the glass that is full as well as the empty part) and be wherever I
need to be emotionally - that is, allowing myself to be emotionally honest with
myself.  That does not mean that I have to be emotionally honest with other
people.  If I am feeling grief because I am alone on the Holiday it does not
serve me to share that with someone who is not being emotionally honest -
someone
who will shame me for not being cheerful.  If I am feeling hurt or scared or
angry I will only share that with someone who is a safe person to share with
emotionally - that is, they won't discount and invalidate my feelings or try to
fix me.

I don't have to live up to some false expectations about how I "should" be
feeling today.  It was trying to deny the pain and sadness, the anger and fear,
while judging myself as shameful for not feeling what I "should" feel or being
who I "should" be, that caused me to get depressed and suicidal.  When I am
in my feeling process I actually am a lot happier and feel more Joy than I ever
did before I learned how to be emotionally honest.  It was on Christmas about
10 years ago that I got real clear that I could feel more than one feeling at
once.  I was sad that it was Christmas and I was alone, and I was grieving
for all of the Christmases that I had been sad and alone - which were very valid
and legitimate feelings.  But as I went around to various clubhouses and
friend's homes that were having open houses, I could feel happy to see people I
cared about.  I could feel Joy and gratitude that I was in recovery and feeling
my feelings at the same time I was owning the sadness of that day and the
grief of all the lonely holidays that I had experienced.

It is so very important to stop judging ourselves against someone else's
standards and shaming ourselves due to a fantasy of where we "should be."  We
are
exactly where we are supposed to be. We are Spiritual Beings having a human
experience.  We are perfect in our Spiritual Essence, we are perfectly where we
are supposed to be on our Spiritual path and from a human perspective we will
never do human perfectly.

A natural normal part of our human experience is feeling the feelings - we
need to accept that.  No one who is being emotionally honest with themselves can
go through the holidays without feeling sadness and hurt, anger and fear.
The good news is that the more we are able to own those emotions the more
moments of peace, Joy, and happiness we can have.

So, have a happy, merry, sad, Joyous, painful, peaceful, scary, cheerful in
the moment Holiday season experiencing what it feels like to be alive in human
body.  Whatever your celebration: Christmas, Hanukkah, Winter Solstice,
Kwanzaa, New Years, etc. let it be about the new beginning; the rededication to:
the
recommitment to: the rebirth of; life.  But most of all, let it be about Love
by first of all Loving yourself enough to tell the critical parent voice in
your head to shut up with all the comparisons and shame and judgment.



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Abusive Relationships and Toxic Guilt
by Patty E. Fleener M.S.W

I believe that most of us, especially those of us who have mental health
disorders, feel guilt in situations where we have no business whatsoever feeling
guilt.

It is easy to just look at our behavior, the situation and ourselves and say
"I'm guilty! I am ashamed." Now let's back up a bit here.

When I say look at ourselves, it might benefit most of us to look a little
deeper. We are complex, complicated creatures and our motivation for doing or
not doing something is not just based on our personality, our will, etc.

What do I mean? Let me give you an example of something that may help you see
this picture more clearly.

I have been seeing a man who is extremely emotionally and verbally abusive.
Now of course I was not aware of his abuse issues at first but I will admit
that I saw red flags right from the start. Mind you, I have trained staff in
domestic violence, etc.

The situation I recently faced was a history of ten months seeing this guy,
addicted to him, and no matter how much I complained to him about his behavior,
I kept going back. I would continue to go back into a little denial that
really he is not abusive and that one day we will have a wonderful relationship.
I
had a very difficult time facing reality because like any addiction, I would
occasionally get what I call "adrenalin shots." These "shots" kept me hooked
in a situation that I could not get out of. I could not get out of this
relationship.

I did notice as I worked harder to get out, he trumped up his abuse. Finally
the emotional abuse became so bad that I just could no longer take the abuse
he threw at me.

Again I wrote him an email kindly asking him to end this thing between us as
it was killing me and that I was having a difficult time getting out. Now
imagine an abuser and their personality and their agenda. Would he kindly assist
me in this? Of course not.

Of course I knew it was my responsibility to get out I noticed that every
time I tried to get out I felt sick. I prayed and prayed to God and asked Him to
assist me, started journaling, which did help by the way, but I couldn't get
out and if I got close to getting out he knew just how to suck me back in.
Wonderful words he would say - tell me just what I needed to hear.

Abuse of any kind decreases your self-esteem and for me I felt like my mind
was literally being twisted. His behavior did NOT make sense and the more he
did strange stuff, the more twisted I felt.

During this time I felt TREMENDOUS guilt that I could not leave the
relationship. It was humiliating to keep enduring his abuse. Every one told me
he was
playing head games with me, playing with me, etc. This knowledge was very
difficult to assimilate and I so needed to believe that he truly loved and cared
about me and that I was special to him. I felt I couldn't face any other
reality, as it was too painful.

One day I was eating lunch and watching a movie on television in the midst of
all the craziness. In the movie the husband was verbally, emotionally and
physically abusing his wife. Two times in the movie he said to her, "I own you."
The first time it went over my head but the second time he said that to her my
jaw dropped and I probably looked shocked, like I had seen a ghost.

My father repeatedly told me he owned me when I was growing up. I never
understood that. Once in high school I remember him telling he how he wanted my
hair cut. I kindly said I wanted it cut differently and he in no uncertain terms
told me I belonged to him, I was his property and he will do with me what he
likes.

I had many times questioned whether my dad was verbally and emotionally
abusive to me for many years but I never got to the point where I completely
came
out of denial until now.

I think we are more inclined to unconsciously look for the environment we
were raised in, even if it was abusive. We are familiar with that environment
and
a non-abusive environment is strange.

People that have been abused don't see a lot of the red flags that others see
because that way of life for them I normal. Many of us feel that love is
pain.

It is vital to remember when you look back on your life or you are currently
facing a situation where you are unhappy with your behavior, that you are
struggling so much due to your history of abuse. You may appear "weak" and
unable
to get out of that situation without outside help. It says nothing about your
character but everything about your past.

So it is that in my opinion we go to therapy and learn what "normal" is so
that we can behave more and more that way and be attracted to healthy people.

Experiencing guilt is not looking at the entire picture and is inappropriate
in many cases.

There is "good" guilt that motivates us to do the right thing but in these
situations we are experiencing toxic shame as John Bradshaw calls it. Many of us
feel we are bad all the way to the core.

Should we crucify our parents for our issues now? No. They may have done the
best they can. Take a look at their family of origin.

We are always responsible for our behavior however and we are responsible to
get help if we feel like we are drowning.


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Healing Toxic Shame
By: J. Bailey Molineux
Oct 31, 2002, 16:15

Whatever you call it - low self-esteem, a poor self-concept or toxic shame -
if you don't sufficiently love yourself, you will not be able to find
happiness in your marriage or satisfaction in your life. I prefer to call this
condition toxic shame, a term that has been popularized by John Bradshaw, author
of
several self-help books. Bradshaw defines toxic shame as spiritual woundedness,
a failure to love yourself unconditionally as God loves you.

Toxic shame is the conviction that you are fundamentally flawed, bad,
inferior, inadequate, deficient, worthless or unlovable. It is a very painful
belief
which underlies many cases of depression, anxiety, marital problems, family
problems and addictions.

Toxic shame differs from guilt. Guilt is about your behavior. You feel guilty
about something you have done. Shame is deeper and more pervasive. It is
about your being. You feel badly about yourself.

You are not born with toxic shame. It is a learned attitude which passes from
generation to generation. You acquired it from your parents and pass it on to
our children, according to Bradshaw, even though you do not intend to do so.

I suspect most of us suffer from toxic shame to a greater or lesser degree
because none of us had perfect parents. However, it is often masked by
addictions, workaholic-ism, perfectionism, rage or blaming others, all of which
further
contributes to shame.

The first thing that must be done to heal toxic shame is to recognize you
carry it. The next thing to do is gather as much information about your
childhood, your parents and grandparents as you can. Find out where your shame
originated. Then - and this is the hard part - acknowledge the extremely painful
emotions caused by your toxic shame. Finally, reparent yourself; embrace your
shame; heal it directly.

Toxic shame can be healed on three levels: personal, interpersonal and
spiritual. On the personal level, learn to become more self-loving,
self-nurturing,
self-forgiving and self-accepting. In effect, reverse the negative messages
you may have received about yourself as a child.

On the interpersonal level, toxic shame usually results in a belief that if
other people really knew you, they would reject or criticize you. Its healing
involves testing this belief. Find some people whom you can trust, reveal
yourself to them and allow them to accept and appreciate you.

On the spiritual level, the belief in a personal God who loves you
unconditionally, or the belief that at the core of your being there is goodness
or
divinity, will help to heal your shame. These convictions are best developed and
nurtured in concert with other believers.

No person can heal another's shame. You cannot heal it indirectly through
your spouse, your children or your work. You must do it yourself by facing it
directly, with all its pain and ugliness, and transforming it into love.

In this journey, you are the healer and the healed.


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by
Susan Forward (Author)


http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0553284347/templeofwisdo-20


Book Description

When you were a child...

Did your parents tell you were bad or worthless?

Did your parents use physical pain to discipline you?

Did you have to take care of your parents because of their problems?

Were you frightened of your parents?

Did your parents do anything to you that had to be kept secret?

Now that you are an adult...

Do your parents still treat you as if you were a child?

Do you have intense emotional or physical reactions after spending time with
your parents?

Do your parents control you with threats or guilt?

Do they manipulate you with money?

Do you feel that no matter what you do, it's never good enough for your
parents?

In this remarkable self-help guide, Dr. Susan Forward drawn on case histories
and the real-life voices of adult children of toxic parents to help you free
yourself from the frustrating patterns of your relationship with your parents
-- and discover an exciting new world of self-confidence, inner strength, and
emotional independence.


Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com
All parents fall short from time to time. But Susan Forward pulls no punches
when it comes to those whose deficiencies cripple their children emotionally.
Her brisk, unreserved guide to overcoming the stultifying agony of parental
manipulation--from power trips to guilt trips and all other killers of self
worth--will help deal with the pain of childhood and move beyond the frustrating
relationship patterns learned at home.



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

How to Hug a Porcupine: Dealing With Toxic & Difficult to Love Personalities
by John L. Lund
���
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1891114344/templeofwisdo-20

Reviewer: A reader from USA�

How To Hug a Porcupine should be read by every person who is in or has been
in a toxic relationship. I found this book to be one of the most inspiring
self-help books I have ever read. I found it difficult to read at times, because
I
felt I was reliving my past. Dr. Lund starts out with a very detailed Table
of Contents, outlining every chapter. There are numberous case studies, I
appreciated the fact that they didn't always work out like the textbook said
they
should. There are quizzes to take. Specific step-by-step directions on how to
help you become a more healthy person despite the porcupines in your life. Dr.
Lund helps you learn how to use "armored gloves and other tools" in dealing
with any toxic person - young, old, spouse, child. Dr. Lund uses
similies/medaphors in describing behaviors. I have found many useful ideas in
helping me
become a more healthy person. This book is awesome, I highly recommend it!



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

In a war soldiers have to deny what it feels like to see friends killed and
maimed; what it feels like to kill other human beings and have them attempting
to kill you. There is trauma caused by the events themselves. There is trauma
due to the necessity of denying the emotional impact of the events. There is
trauma from the effects the emotional denial has on the person's life after
he/she has returned from the war because as long is the person is denying
his/her
emotional trauma she/he is denying a part of her/himself.

The stress caused by the trauma, and the effect of denying the trauma, by
denying self, eventually surfaces in ways which produce new trauma - anxiety,
alcohol and drug abuse, nightmares, uncontrollable rage, inability to maintain
relationships, inability to hold jobs, suicide, etc.�

Codependence is a form of Delayed Stress Syndrome.�

Instead of blood and death (although some do experience blood and death
literally), what happened to us as children was spiritual death and emotional
maiming, mental torture and physical violation. We were forced to grow up
denying
the reality of what was happening in our homes. We were forced to deny our
feelings about what we were experiencing and seeing and sensing. We were forced
to
deny our selves.�

We grew up having to deny the emotional reality: of parental alcoholism,
addiction, mental illness, rage, violence, depression, abandonment, betrayal,
deprivation, neglect, incest, etc. etc.; of our parents fighting or the
underlying
tension and anger because they weren't being honest enough to fight; of dad's
ignoring us because of his workaholism and/or mom smothering us because she
had no other identity than being a mother; of the abuse that one parent heaped
on another who wouldn't defend him/herself and/or the abuse we received from
one of our parents while the other wouldn't defend us; of having only one
parent or of having two parents who stayed together and shouldn't have; etc.,
etc.�


We grew up with messages like: children should be seen and not heard; big
boys don't cry and little ladies don't get angry; it is not okay to be angry at
someone you love - especially your parents; god loves you but will send you to
burn in hell forever if you touch your shameful private parts; don't make
noise or run or in any way be a normal child; do not make mistakes or do
anything
wrong; etc., etc.�

We were born into the middle of a war where our sense of self was battered
and fractured and broken into pieces. We grew up in the middle of battlefields
where our beings were discounted, our perceptions invalidated, and our feelings
ignored and nullified.�

The war we were born into, the battlefield each of us grew up in, was not in
some foreign country against some identified "enemy" - it was in the "homes"
which were supposed to be our safe haven with our parents whom we Loved and
trusted to take care of us. It was not for a year or two or three - it was for
sixteen or seventeen or eighteen years.�

We experienced what is called "sanctuary trauma" - our safest place to be was
not safe - and we experienced it on a daily basis for years and years. Some
of the greatest damage was done to us in subtle ways on a daily basis because
our sanctuary was a battlefield.�

It was not a battlefield because our parents were wrong or bad - it was a
battlefield because they were at war within, because they were born into the
middle of a war. By doing our healing we are becoming the emotionally honest
role
models that our parents never had the chance to be. Through being in Recovery
we are helping to break the cycles of self-destructive behavior that have
dictated human existence for thousands of years.�

Codependence is a very vicious and powerful form of Delayed Stress Syndrome.
The trauma of feeling like we were not safe in our own homes makes it very
difficult to feel like we are safe anywhere. Feeling like we were not lovable to
our own parents makes it very difficult to believe that anyone can Love us.�

Codependence is being at war with ourselves - which makes it impossible to
trust and Love ourselves. Codependence is denying parts of ourselves so that we
do not know who we are.�

Recovery from the disease of Codependence involves stopping the war within so
that we can get in touch with our True Self, so that we can start to Love and
trust ourselves.


Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls
by Robert Burney, therapist




HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

From ghoulies and ghosties
And long-leggedy beasties
And things that go bump in the night,
Good Lord, deliver us!
~Scottish Saying


AZRain Profile
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

"What we live with we learn,
    and what we learn
    we practice, and what we
    practice, we become....
    and what we become
    has consequences"......
    AND almost always, I have
    found, who we become
    has little to do with who
    we were meant to be.

Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls
by Robert Burney, therapist


HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

From ghoulies and ghosties
And long-leggedy beasties
And things that go bump in the night,
Good Lord, deliver us!
~Scottish Saying


AZRain Profile
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents















[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Journeys to the Emotional Frontier Within
By Robert Burney M.A.

"The way to stop reacting out of our inner children is to release the stored
emotional energy from our childhoods by doing the grief work that will heal
our wounds.  The only effective, long term way to clear our emotional process -
to clear the inner channel to Truth which exists in all of us is to grieve the
wounds which we suffered as children.  The most important single tool, the
tool which is vital to changing behavior patterns and attitudes in this healing
transformation, is the grief process.  The process of grieving.

We are all carrying around repressed pain, terror, shame, and rage energy
from our childhoods, whether it was twenty years ago or fifty years ago.  We
have
this grief energy within us even if we came from a relatively healthy family,
because this society is emotionally dishonest and dysfunctional."


Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls  by Robert Burney


Last month I mentioned two of the ways that many of us learned to distance
ourselves from our feelings - 'talking in the third person' and 'avoiding owning
our feelings verbally,' - a third very prevalent technique is story telling.

This is a very common method of avoiding our feelings.  Some people tell
entertaining stories to avoid feelings. They may respond to a feeling statement
by
saying something like 'I remember back in `85 when I. . .'  Their stories
might be very entertaining but they have no emotional content.

Some people tell stories about other people.  This is the stereotypical
Codependent of the joke about when a Codependent dies someone else's life passes
before their eyes.  They will respond to an emotional moment by telling an
emotional story about some friend, acquaintance, or even a person they read
about.
They may exhibit some emotion in telling the story but it is emotion for the
other person, not for self.  They keep a distance from their emotions by
attributing the emotional content to others.  If this type of stereotypical
Codependent is in a relationship everything they say will be about the other
person.
Direct questions about self will be answered with stories about the
significant other.  This is a completely unconscious result of the reality that
they
have no relationship with, or identity as, self as an individual.

Perhaps the most common story telling diversion is to get very involved in
the details of the story   'she said. . . . . then I said. . . . then she did. .
. . .'   The details are ultimately insignificant in relationship to the
emotions involved but because we do not know how to handle the emotions we get
caught up in the details.  Often we are relating the details in order to show
the
listener how we were wronged in the interaction.  Often we focus on how
others are wrong in reaction to the situation as a way of avoiding our feelings.

Here are two very typical examples of this type of emotional distancing
recently.  A person in obvious pain spoke for twenty minutes about a loved one
who
was dying.  For 19 and 1/2 minutes of that twenty the person talked of what
the doctor and nurses were doing wrong, of the details of incidents which
happened.  For a few brief seconds the person touched on their own feelings and
then
very quickly jumped back to the details of what was happening.  The other
example is my mother who is terrified of having a stroke and being partially
paralyzed for several years like her mother was.  Recently her older sister had
a
stroke.  My mother, in talking about what is happening, cannot talk about her
fear or pain, instead she talks about how her sister's children are behaving
incorrectly.

I am very sad to see people in this kind of emotional pain. I am sad that
they do not know how to be emotionally honest about what they are feeling.  This
is very typical and common in this emotionally dishonest society.  We have
been trained to be emotionally dishonest and need to go through a learning
process in order to retrain ourselves to allow ourselves to own the feelings.

An integral part of that learning process is grieving the wounds from our
childhood and earlier life.  By not grieving earlier losses there may be so much
suppressed energy that any current loss threatens to burst the whole dam of
emotions.  This literally feels life-threatening.

When I started to do my own emotional healing it felt like if I ever really
started crying that I wouldn't be able to stop - that I would end up crying in
a padded room someplace.  It felt as if I ever really let myself feel the rage
that I would just go up and down the street shooting people.  It was
terrifying.

When I first became willing to start dealing with the emotions it felt as if
I had opened Pandora's Box and that it would destroy me.  But I was led by my
Spiritual guidance to safe places to start learning how to do the grieving and
safe people to do it with.

Doing that grieving is overwhelming terrifying and painful.  It is also the
gateway to Spiritual Awakening.  It leads to empowerment, freedom, and inner
peace.  Releasing that grief energy allows us to start being able to be
emotionally honest in the moment in an age-appropriate way. It is, in my
understanding, the path that the Old Souls who are doing their healing in this
Age of
Healing and Joy need to travel to get clearer about their path and accomplish
their
mission in this lifetime.


Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls
by Robert Burney, therapist


HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

From ghoulies and ghosties
And long-leggedy beasties
And things that go bump in the night,
Good Lord, deliver us!
~Scottish Saying


AZRain Profile
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents















[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Emotions are energy.  Actual physical energy that is manifested in our
bodies.  Emotions are not thoughts - they do not exist in our mind.  Our mental
attitudes, definitions, and expectations can create emotional reactions, can
cause
us to get stuck in emotional states - but thoughts are not emotions.  The
intellectual and emotional are two distinctly separate though intimately
interconnected parts of our being.  In order to find some balance, peace, and
sanity
in recovery it is vitally important to start separating the emotional from the
intellectual and to start setting boundaries with, and between, the emotional
and mental parts of our self.

Many of us learned to live in our heads.  To analyze, intellectualize, and
rationalize as a defense against feeling our feelings.  Some of us went to the
other extreme and lived life based on our emotional reactions without any
intellectual balance.  Some of us would swing from one extreme to the other.
Living life in the extremes or swinging between the extremes is dysfunctional -
it
does not work to create a balanced, healthy, happy life.

If you learned to live life in your head it is vitally necessary to start
becoming more aware of your body and what is happening in your body emotionally.
Where is there tension, tightness?  Where is the energy manifesting in my
body?  I learned that when there is energy congregating in my upper chest it was
sadness.  If it was around my heart chakra it was hurt.  Anger and fear
manifest in my stomach.  Until I started to become aware of, and identify, the
emotional energy in my body it was impossible for me to be emotionally honest
with
myself.  It was impossible for me to start owning, honoring, and releasing the
emotional energy in a healthy way until I became aware that it was there.

I had to become aware that there were such things as emotions that lived in
my body and then I had to start learning how to recognize and sort them out.  I
had to become aware of all the ways that I was trained to distance myself
from my feelings.  I am going to mention a few of them here to help any of you
reading this in your process of becoming emotionally honest.

Speaking in the third person.  One of the defenses many of us have against
feeling our feelings is to speak of ourselves in the third person.  "You just
kind of feel hurt when that happens" is not a personal statement and does not
carry the power of speaking in the first person.  "I felt hurt when that
happened" is personal, is owning the feeling.  Listen to yourself and to others
and
become aware of how often you hear others and yourself refer to self in the
third person.

Avoiding using primary feeling words.  There are only a handful of primary
feelings that all humans feel.  There is some dispute about just how many there
are primary but for our purpose here I am going to use seven.  Those are:
angry, sad, hurt, afraid, lonely, ashamed, and  happy.  It is important to start
using the primary names of these feelings in order to own them and to stop
distancing ourselves from the feelings.  To say "I am anxious" or "concerned" or
"apprehensive" is not the same as saying "I am afraid."  Fear is at the root of
all those other expressions but we don't have to be so aware of our fear if
we use a word that distances us from fear.  Expressions like "confused,"
"irritated," "upset," "tense," "disturbed," "melancholy," "blue," "good," or
"bad"
are not primary feeling words.

Emotions are energy that is meant to flow: E - motion = energy in motion.
Until we own it, feel it and release it, it cannot flow.  By blocking and
repressing our emotions we are damming up our internal energy and that will
eventually result in some physical or mental manifestation such as cancer or
alzheimers disease or whatever.

Until we can start being emotionally honest with ourselves it is impossible
to be truly honest on any level with anybody.  Until we start becoming
emotionally honest with ourselves it is impossible to know  who we Truly are. 
Our
emotions tell us who we are and without emotional honesty it is impossible to be
True to our self because we don't know ourselves.

Of course there is a very good reason we have had to be emotionally
dishonest.  It is because we are carrying around unresolved grief - suppressed
pain,
terror, shame, and rage energy from our childhoods.  Until we deal with our
unresolved grief and start releasing the suppressed, pressurized emotional
energy
from our past it is impossible to be comfortable in our own skins, in the
moment, in an emotionally honest, age-appropriate way.  Until we become willing
to
take the journey to the emotional frontier within us we cannot Truly know who
we are, we cannot Truly  start to forgive and Love ourselves.


Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls
by Robert Burney, therapist


HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

From ghoulies and ghosties
And long-leggedy beasties
And things that go bump in the night,
Good Lord, deliver us!
~Scottish Saying


AZRain Profile
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents















[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Emotional Incest
By Robert Burney M.A.

"Consider a scenario where mother is crying in her bedroom and her three year
old toddles into the room. To the child it looks as if mom is dying. The
child is terrified and says, "I love you mommy!" Mom looks at her child. Her
eyes
fill with love, and her face breaks into a smile. She says, 'Oh honey, I love
you so much. You are my wonderful little boy/girl. Come here and give mommy a
hug. You make mommy feel so good.'

A touching scene? No. Emotional abuse! The child has just received the
message that he/she has the power to save mommy's life. That the child has power
over, and therefore responsibility for, mommy's feelings. This is emotional
abuse, and sets up an emotionally incestuous relationship in which the child
feels
responsible for the parent's emotional
needs.


A healthy parent would explain to the child that it is all right for mommy to
cry, that it is healthy and good for people to cry when they feel sad or
hurt. An emotionally healthy parent would "role model" for the child that it is
okay to have the full range of emotions, all the feelings - sadness and hurt,
anger and fear, Joy and happiness, etc."


Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls by Robert Burney


One of the most pervasive, traumatic, and damaging dynamics that occurs in
families in this dysfunctional, emotionally dishonest society is emotional
incest. It is rampant in our society but there is still very little written or
discussed about it.

Emotional incest occurs when a child feels responsible for a parents
emotional well-being. This happens because the parents do not know how to have
healthy
boundaries. It can occur with one or both parents, same sex or opposite sex.
It occurs because the parents are emotionally dishonest with themselves and
cannot get their emotional needs met by their spouse or other adults. John
Bradshaw refers to this dynamic as a parent making the child their "surrogate
spouse."

This type of abuse can happen in a variety of ways. On one end of the
spectrum the parent emotionally "dumps" on the child. This occurs when a parent
talks
about adult issues and feelings to a child as if they were a peer. Sometimes
both parents will dump on a child in a way that puts the child in the middle
of disagreements between the parents - with each complaining about the other.

On the other end of the spectrum is the family where no one talks about their
feelings. In this case, though no one is talking about feelings, there are
still emotional undercurrents present in the family which the child senses and
feels some responsibility for - even if they haven't got a clue as to what the
tension, anger, fear, or hurt are all about.

Emotional incest from either parent is devastating to the child's ability to
be able to set boundaries and take care of getting their own needs met when
they become an adult. This type of abuse, when inflicted by the opposite sex
parent, can have a devastating effect on the adult/child's relationship with
his/her own sexuality and gender, and their ability to have successful intimate
relationships as an adult.

What often happens is that 'Daddy's little princess' or 'Mommy's big boy'
becomes an adult who has good friends of the opposite sex that they can be
emotionally intimate with but would never think of being sexually involved with
(and
feel dreadfully betrayed by, when those friends express sexual interest) and
are sexually excited by members of the opposite sex whom they don't like and
can't trust (they may feel they are desperately 'in love' with such a person
but in reality don't really like their personality). This is an unconscious way
of not betraying mommy or daddy by having sex with someone that they are
emotionally intimate with and truly care about as a person.

Over the last ten years I have seen many different examples of how
emotionally dishonest family dynamics impact children. Ranging from the
twelve-year old
girl who was much too big to be crawling into mom's lap but would do so every
time mom started to cry because that interrupted her mother's emotional
process and stopped her crying, to the nine-year old boy who looked me in the
eye
and said "How am I supposed to start talking about feelings when I haven't my
whole life."

Then there is the little boy who by four-years old had been going to
twelve-step meetings with his mother for two years. At a CoDA meeting one day he
was
sitting on a man's lap only six feet away from where his mother was sharing and
crying. He didn't even bother to look up when his mother started crying. The
man, who was more concerned than the little boy, said to him, "Your mommy's
crying because she feels sad." The little boy looked up, glanced over at his
mother and said, "Yea, she's getting better," and went back to playing. He knew
that it was okay for mom to cry and that it was not his job to fix her.

That little boy, at four years old, already had healthier boundaries than
most adults - because his mother was in recovery working on getting healthier
herself. The best thing that we can do for any of our loved ones is to focus on
our own healing. And one of the cornerstones of healing is to forgive ourselves
for the wounds we suffered and for the wounds we inflicted. We were powerless
to behave any differently because of our programing and training, because of
our wounds. Just as our parents were powerless, and their parents before them,
etc. etc.

One of the traps of Codependence Recovery is that as we gain awareness of our
behavioral patterns and emotional dishonesty we judge and shame ourselves for
what we are learning. That is the disease talking. That "critical parent"
voice in our head is the disease talking to us. We need to stop buying into that
negative, shaming energy and start Loving ourselves so that we can change our
patterns and become emotionally honest.

There is hope. We are breaking the cycles of generations of emotional
dishonesty and abuse. We now have the tools and knowledge we need to heal our
wounds
and change the human condition. We are Spiritual Beings having a human
experience. We are perfect in our Spiritual essence. We are perfectly where we
are
supposed to be on our Spiritual path, and we will never be able to do human
perfectly. We are Unconditionally Loved and we are going to get to go Home.


Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls
by Robert Burney, therapist


HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

From ghoulies and ghosties
And long-leggedy beasties
And things that go bump in the night,
Good Lord, deliver us!
~Scottish Saying


AZRain Profile
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents















[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

A Dance of Suffering, Shame, and Self-abuse
by Robert Burney M.A.

"The reason that we have not been Loving our neighbor as ourselves is because
we have been doing it backwards. We were taught to judge and feel ashamed of
ourselves. We were taught to hate ourselves for being human."

"If I am feeling like a "failure" and giving power to the "critical parent"
voice within that is telling me that I am a failure - then I can get stuck in a
very painful place where I am shaming myself for being me. In this dynamic I
am being the victim of myself and also being my own perpetrator - and the next
step is to rescue myself by using one of the old tools to go unconscious
(food, alcohol, sex, etc.) Thus the disease has me running around in a squirrel
cage of suffering and shame, a dance of pain, blame, and self-abuse."

Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls

Codependence is an incredibly powerful, insidious, and vicious disease. It is
so powerful because it is ingrained in our core relationship with ourselves.
As little kids we were assaulted with the message that there was something
wrong with us. We got this message from our parents who were assaulted and
wounded in childhood by their parents who were assaulted and wounded in
childhood,
etc. etc., and from our society that is based on the belief that being human is
shameful.

Codependence is insidious because it is so pervasive. The core emotional
belief that there is something wrong with who we are as beings affects all of
the
relationships in our life and keeps us from learning how to Truly Love. In a
Codependent society value is assigned in comparison (richer than, prettier
than, more spiritual than, healthier than, etc.) so that the only way to feel
good
about self is the judge and look down on others. Comparison serves the belief
in separation which makes violence, homelessness, pollution, and billionaires
possible. Love is about feeling connected in the scheme of things not
separate.

Codependence is vicious because it causes us to hate and abuse ourselves. We
were taught to judge and shame ourselves for being human. At the core of our
relationship with ourselves is the feeling that we are somehow not worthy and
not lovable.

My father was trained that he was supposed to be perfect and that anger was
the only permissible male emotion. As a result, that little boy that made
mistakes and got yelled at felt like he was flawed and unlovable.

My mother told me how much she loved me, how important and valuable I was,
and how I could be anything that I wanted to be. But my mother had no
self-esteem and no boundaries so she emotionally incested me. I felt responsible
for her
emotional well-being and felt great shame that I couldn't protect her from
father's raging or the pain of life. This was proof that I was so flawed that,
though a woman might think I was lovable, eventually the truth of my
unworthiness would be exposed by my inability to protect her and insure her
happiness.

The church I was raised in taught me that I was born sinful and unworthy, and
that I should be grateful and adoring because God loved me in spite of my
unworthiness. And, even though God loved me, if I allowed my unworthiness to
surface by acting on (or even thinking about) the shameful human weaknesses that
I
was born with - then God would be forced, with great sadness and reluctance,
to cast me into hell to burn forever.

Is it any wonder that at my core I felt unworthy and unlovable? Is it any
wonder that as an adult I got trapped in a continual cycle of shame, blame, and
self-abuse?

The pain of being unworthy and shameful was so great that I had to learn ways
to go unconscious and disconnect from my feelings. The ways in which I
learned to protect myself from that pain and nurture myself when I was hurting
so
badly were with things like drugs and alcohol, food and cigarettes,
relationships and work, obsession and rumination.

The way it works in practice is like this: I am feeling fat; I judge myself
for being fat; I shame myself for being fat; I beat myself for being fat; then
I am hurting so badly that I have to relieve some of the pain; so to nurture
myself I eat a pizza; then I judge myself for eating the pizza, etc. etc.

To the disease, this is a functional cycle. The shame begets the self-abuse
which begets the shame which serves the purpose of the disease which is to keep
us separate so the we don't set ourselves up to fail by believing that we are
worthy and lovable.

Obviously, this is a dysfunctional cycle if our purpose is to be happy and
enjoy being alive.

The way to stop this cycle is two-fold and simple in theory but extremely
hard to implement on a moment-to-moment, day-to day basis in our lives. The
first
part has to do with removing the shame from our inner process. This is a
complicated and multi-leveled process that involves changing the belief systems
that are dictating our reactions to life (this include everything from positive
affirmations to grief/emotional energy release work, to support groups, to
meditation and prayer, to inner child work, etc.) so that we can change our
relationship with ourselves at the core and start treating ourselves in
healthier
ways.

The second part is simpler and usually harder. It involves taking 'the
action.' ('the action' refers to the specific behavior. We have to take action
to do
all of the things listed in the first part as well.) Changing the behavior
that is giving us a reason for the shame. Just saying 'no' - or 'yes' if the
behavior in question is something like not eating or isolating or not
exercising.
And even though it may sometime work in the short run to use shame and
judgment to get ourselves to change a behavior, in the long term - in alignment
with
our goal of having a more Loving relationship with ourselves so that we can
be happy - it is much more powerful to take that action in a Loving way.

This involves setting a boundary for the little child inside of us, who wants
instant gratification and instant relief, out of the Loving adult in us who
understands the concept of delayed gratification. (If I exercise every day I
will feel much better in the long run.) True pride comes from action taken. It
is false pride to feel good about ourselves in comparison because of looks,
talent, intelligence or for being forced to become spiritual, healthy, or sober.
Those are gifts. True pride is taking credit for the action we have taken to
foster, nurture, and maintain those gifts.

The way to break the self-destructive cycle, to stop the dance of shame,
suffering, and self-abuse, is to set Loving boundaries for ourselves in the
moment
of that desperate need for immediate gratification and to know that - though
it is not shameful if we can't do it perfectly or all the time - we need to
'just do it.' We need to stand up for our True Self to our wounded self in order
to Love ourselves.


Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls
by Robert Burney, therapist


HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

From ghoulies and ghosties
And long-leggedy beasties
And things that go bump in the night,
Good Lord, deliver us!
~Scottish Saying


AZRain Profile
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents















[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Family of Origin Roles: Who Are You?

The troubled or "dysfunctional" family does not always include obvious
afflictions such as alcohol or drug addiction, extramarital affairs, or physical
abuse. The troubled family could be one in which dad was emotionally unavailable
or mom was very controlling. The troubled family could be one in which one
parent found solace in work or academia, as the other parent enabled this
behavior by taking on the responsibilities of the entire family system. In cases
such
as these, the children are left exposed and vulnerable to the ailments of the
world, such as drug addiction or abusive and codependent relationships. The
troubled family could be your neighbors who look so normal, or the people
worshipping beside you at church. The troubled family could be the one in which
you
currently reside. However, there is hope.

At MARR, our patients and their families are educated on the roles in which
they take on as children in their families of origin. In the 1950s, social
worker Virginia Satir was a pioneer in defining the roles that individual family
members acquire in the troubled family, with therapists Don and Sharon
Wegscheider furthering Satir’s work in the early 1980s. Counselors in the
substance
abuse field have found this work imperative as they see firsthand how these
roles play themselves out in the "addicted family". For instance, if one parent
is
addicted to a substance, the other parent is the codependent, as the children
become the "mascot", "hero", "lost child", or "scapegoat".

If you believe you come from or currently live in a troubled family, in which
role did/do you find yourself? In what role did/do other family members fall?

Chemically Dependent or Avoider of Feelings: Root cause for the dysfunction
in the family. This person shifts the blame to someone else. He or she has
repressed feelings of pain, guilt, shame, fear, and anger/rage. This person is
out
of touch with reality and hides behind rigidity, aggressiveness, hostility,
self-righteousness, high standards for others, grandiosity, and perfectionism.
A chemically dependent will medicate pain through addictive substances; any
avoider of true intimacy will find an avenue in which to avoid feelings or real
connections with others (work, gambling, school, food, etc.)

Codependent: The one closest and the most depended upon by the addict/avoider—
usually a spouse. As the addict/avoider either loses control or further
detaches from the family, the codependent makes more decisions and takes on more
responsibility, thus enabling the addictive/avoidance behavior. This person
hides behind walls of martyrdom, seriousness, control, denial, people-pleasing,
care taking, protecting, rescuing, self-blaming, hostility and low self-worth.

Hero: Usually the oldest child. This child is super-responsible in order to
take the responsibility off the codependents’ shoulders. Makes good grades,
excels in a sport or activity to make the family look good. This child has
repressed feelings of guilt, inadequacy, loneliness, confusion, anger and hurt.

Mascot: Usually the youngest child. They provide comic relief to take the
heat off the family. Things seem easier when the mascot acts cute and immature.
This mascot is often not taken seriously. They have repressed feelings of being
crazy, scared, high anxiety, hurt, loneliness, confusion and pain. They
provide distraction and seek attention through clowning around. They tend to be
hyperactive and can’t handle stress.

Lost Child: The lost child may be the middle child. They are typically sweet,
quiet and shy. He or she hides behind walls of being withdrawn from the
family; a dreamer, super-independent, low academic achievement and promiscuous
behavior. But this child is perceived as the one in which the family doesn’t
have
to worry. This child tends to stay in their little fantasy world and often
ends up with a lot of emotional problems. They may have trouble making
decisions,
but can be very creative in the arts. The lost child has feelings of being
ignored, inadequacy, hurt, feeling unimportant, and anger. (Often the lost child
becomes the scapegoat in their adolescence (Often the lost child becomes the
scapegoat in their adolescence.)

Scapegoat: Often the second child. Their rebelliousness takes focus away from
the addict/avoider. They are strongly influenced by peer alliance outside of
the home because they don’t feel as if they belong in the family. They carry
the pain of the family, which is why they are called the scapegoat; they are
often blamed for the problems in the family though their behavior is the result,
not the cause of the dysfunction. They have repressed feelings of insecurity,
anger, hurt, rejection, fear, and loneliness. They act out via chemical abuse
and sexual promiscuity, and they are at high risk for suicide.

(Role definitions taken from Boundary Power by O’Neil and Newbold)



HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

From ghoulies and ghosties
And long-leggedy beasties
And things that go bump in the night,
Good Lord, deliver us!
~Scottish Saying


AZRain Profile
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series) by Melody Beattie

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0894866370/templeofwisdo-20


The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie is an excellent tool for anyone
who wants to work through the painful process of ending an unhealthy
relationship and to become more independent and empowered. Melody Beattie brings
you 50
cards to help remind you that each day you can ask for and accept the healing
energy of God and the Universe. Remember that you are all part of, and one
with, the continuous cycle of healing, and she urges you to live according to
the concepts of detachment and present-moment living. Reflecting on the core
issues of codependency, Melody Beattie encourages readers to trust themselves on
their journey to self-care. Each meditation is filled with the personal warmth
and insight Beattie brings to all of her books.



HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

From ghoulies and ghosties
And long-leggedy beasties
And things that go bump in the night,
Good Lord, deliver us!
~Scottish Saying


AZRain Profile
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes From, How It Sabotages Our
Lives by Pia Mellody

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0062505890/templeofwisdo-20


Synopsis: This book stands out among the current glut of material on
codependence because it claims the realm of parenting for its vantage point. The
authors believe that codependents must heal themselves in order not to repeat
the
"less than nurturing" behaviors of their own addicted or emotionally
dysfunctional parents. Hence, they couple strategies for recovery with
guidelines on
what is and is not "normal" in the parent-child relationship. The authors'
conclusions will invite controversy; for instance, they suggest that "emotional
sexual abuse" of children may lead to homosexuality in adulthood. Nor are they
reluctant to generalize: "Although physical and mental illness aren't
addictions,
their effect on the family is the same." Offsetting the opinionated
commentary is great compassion for the helpless, hurt children who live inside
adult
codependents.

A brilliant new guide to understanding the origins of codependence and the
path to recovery by a nationally recognized authority on dependency and
addiction. In this fresh new look at codependence, Pia Mellody traces the
origins of
this illness back to childhood, describing a whole range of emotional,
spiritual, intellectual, physical, and sexual abuses. Because of these earlier
experiences, codependent adults often lack the skills necessary to lead mature
lives
and have satisfying relationships.

Recovery from codependence comes from clearing up the toxic feelings left
over from childhood and learning to re parent oneself by intervening on the
adult
symptoms of codependence. Central to Mellody's concept is the idea of the
"precious child" that needs healing within each adult. She creates a framework
for identifying codependent behavior and describes an effective approach to
recovery that includes both therapy and self-help processes. Designed to be used
with her new workbook for codependents, Breaking Free, this is a powerful tool
for understanding the nature of codependence.



HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

From ghoulies and ghosties
And long-leggedy beasties
And things that go bump in the night,
Good Lord, deliver us!
~Scottish Saying


AZRain Profile
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Articles and Tips on Self-Love and Nurturing Your Soul - and How to Transform
Self Hate

http://www.cherylrainfield.com/articles.html


I am sure it is a great mistake always to know enough to go in when it rains.

One may keep snug and dry by such knowledge,
but one misses a world of loveliness.
-  Adeline Knapp


AZRain Profile
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EVA Homesite
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents



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Affirmation Cards to encourage self worth by Cheryl Rainfield

http://www.cherylrainfield.com/random_card.html




I am sure it is a great mistake always to know enough to go in when it rains.

One may keep snug and dry by such knowledge,
but one misses a world of loveliness.
-  Adeline Knapp


AZRain Profile
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


EVA Homesite
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents



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Quandary: Who is the Victim, who is the Abuser?
by DR Irene


..."I printed out a lot of pages from this site for my husband because he is
an abuser. He thought it was all very interesting, but seems to feel I was the
abuser. He thinks I am playing games with his mind by refusing to have sex
with him when I don't want to. He resorts to emotional blackmail. This was
pointed out by our counselor when we were in marriage counseling.

To me its important they realize they are being abusive so they can get the
help they need to stop being abusive and change the way they think and their
beliefs. Am I wrong Dr Irene??? We have to realize we are victims and recognize
our codependent and victim behaviors so we can change them.

I ask because my husband just seems to think its all me..."

Am I Wrong?

No, you are not wrong. An individual cannot change themselves unless they
recognize that they are abusive, or codependent, or (fill in the blank).
Recognition is half the battle. Changing it is the other half.

Victim-Abuser?

What is going on when each partner thinks they are the victim of the other?
This situation, by the way, is the norm. The identified victim is screaming,
"Look what X is doing to me!" The identified abuser is screaming, "Look what Y
is doing to me!" What's going on?

First recognize that I am not talking extremes. It is not hard to pick out
the abuser and victim in cases of battery. But roles are rarely this clear-cut.
What about cases where both parties batter each other? What about partnerships
in which there is no battery, yet verbal and emotional abuse run rampant?

Labels Can Get Us Stuck

While invaluable in the recognition and identification of a phenomenon,
labels can present problems as well. Just as there is no such thing as "the
normal"
person (e.g., 2.3 kids, 1.5 dogs, etc.), there is no such thing as "the
victim" and "the abuser."�

Boundaries Or Withholding?

The identified victim usually needs to recognize when� his or her boundaries
have been violated and put a stop to it. The identified abuser usually needs
to recognize that their boundaries have not been violated when they are denied
entry into their partner's space.

For example: The above poster mentions that her husband felt she was being
abusive in refusing sex with him when she did not want sex. Throughout the site,
and elsewhere, the consensus is that if an individual does not want to make
love with their marital partner, it is their right - in fact it is their
responsibility to themselves - not to! The writer's husband interprets her
behavior
as "abuse" in that it constitutes a passive-aggressive withholding of what he
seeks. This is his point of view.

If she is not inclined to make love with him because he does not treat her
lovingly, which is what I read between the lines of this woman's post, her
husband feels abused - when, in fact, she is simply taking care of herself! He
cries "abuse" because she will not let him violate her boundaries / personal
space
- as he may be used to doing or expects to do.

The distinction between maintaining boundaries or behaving passive
aggressively can be murky because withholding is an element of abuse; many
abusive
individuals "specialize" in withholding sex, affection, compliments, etc. These
individuals feel justified� withholding loving behavior - because they have a
problem with how they were treated, etc. They will, rightfully from their point
of view declare, "I cannot make love to my partner because I was treated
poorly."

Yet, their idea of "poor treatment" may be that they felt ignored that their
partner was on the phone last night with mom for an hour. This is passive
aggressive tit-for-tat retaliation, not boundary setting.

Care For Yourself!

My approach with abusive individuals is to tell them that it is their job, n
ot their partner's job, to take care of themselves. In this case, I would
advise the lonely individual to speak up the next time they feel neglected by
their
partner. But, I also caution that while it is their responsibility to
initiate their request, it is also their responsibility to accept "no" for an
answer
- and without holding a grudge. After all, holding a grudge is like shooting
yourself in the foot. You aren't likely to endear yourself to anyone by being
cool or nasty towards them. "Acceptance" can be difficult for the individual
who implicitly and irrationally assumes that they are entitled to get "their
way."

Ditto with denied sex: it is your responsibility to ask for what you want,
but it is also your responsibility to gracefully accept "no" for an answer. Your
partner's feelings are as important as your feelings. Your partner has a
right not to make make love with you for whatever reason. When I am asked, "But,
what kind of marriage is that?" I am likely to advise that if an individual has
done everything in their power to be gracious, loving, and understanding
towards their partner (which is their responsibility to themselves), and sex is
still not forthcoming, then the individual needs to choose whether or not sex is
important enough to merit threatening the relationship. "Forcing" or cajoling
another to give what they don't want to give will only lead to resentment and
problems down the road. This holds true whether the partner is biochemically
disinterested, ill, overtly angry, or passive aggressive!

One of my favorite sayings is, "Ask for what you want once; or even twice.
After that, assume your partner heard you and will not or cannot give you what
you want. Accept it."

The Water Is Even Murkier

Asking, "Who is the abuser / who is the victim,"� implicitly questions which
partner is trying to exercise "control" over the other by their attempt to
meet their implicitly-held� entitlement demands; the classic "My Way" stuff.
However, once again, things are not so clear cut. The issue is clouded by the
fact
that nobody is perfect. Not even the saintliest victim will maintain his or
her cool all the time. Not even the most self-sacrificing victim will never
ever be passive-aggressive or (gasp!) controlling. In fact, victims are
extremely
controlling, though their objective is usually along the lines of being loved
and gaining approval. Nevertheless, the point is, we are human; we mess up
all the time.

The abuser person is expert at immediately picking up the slightest momentary
acting out. This guarded person is likely to mentally keep tabs, or never let
the victim forget their misbehavior. The victim, often too expert at soul
searching, recognizes their misbehavior - and gets lost in wondering if they are
the abuser! All this occurs while the abuse and trampling of boundaries
continues.

It Goes Two Ways

While I advise my victim people to continue their soul searching, for it is
good for them, I also caution that they give themselves the same (generous)
benefit of the doubt they give their partner. I also encourage these individuals
to recognize their equality and therefore expect consideration and benefit of
the doubt in return.

We are out of balance when we harbor implicit expectations about what we are
entitled to from our partner. We are also out of balance when we obsess over
our errors and what we didn't give.

Healthy thinking assumes:

the ability to reflect on and learn from one's mistakes�
a sense of worth and entitlement�
the ability to gracefully accept "no" for an answer.��

The Abusive Victim

In some cases, the abuse has gone on for so long, or the individual feels so
provoked; has put up with so much, or, for whatever reason, the victim is so
very, very angry, there is little benefit of the doubt left for the partner.
This is the victim who is likely to misbehave at every turn - and feel justified
in doing so. This is the victim who behaviorally and psychologically has come
to resemble the abuser: this person wants to push their abuser away, punish
and hurt them.��

Is this person a victim? An abuser? A victim-abuser? Good question. Sometimes
I don't know either. I remember the battered wife I treated for several
months. The next time I saw her, she was divorced, had horror stories; had been
in
a shelter, etc. But, her current boyfriend was preparing to leave her because
she was verbally abusive, had hit him several times, and blocked his access
with her car. This so-called "victim" dropped out of treatment as I started
confronting her on her misbehavior.

On the other hand, I remember the recovering addict who came to me to deal
with a self-proclaimed "anger problem." He was engaged in furious acting-out
with his former girlfriend in a never-ending courtroom battle over their child.
Although she allied herself with the battered woman's movement, it turns out he
was the victim! He knew no better than to blow up at her lies and
provocation. This young man stayed in treatment and turned his life around. He
still
doesn't attack, but he has learned to defend himself and fight back fairly and
well. Last I heard, he was "winning" in court.

So, who is the victim and who is the abuser? Seems to me that the individual
who takes responsibility for his or her life and thinks "smart" - is neither!

Smart Thinking

Back to the original poster whose question inspired this article. This savvy
lady took care of herself. She searched her soul, didn't give away the benefit
of the doubt -� and went on to answer her own question:

"This article really interested me because I did wonder if I was turning into
an abuser because of his constant remarks. But when I really think about the
things he "claims" are abuse, its just me setting my boundaries and him having
a huge problem with my boundaries."

Amen.


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Victim/Abuser Quiz

http://www.drirene.com/abuservs.htm


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Self-control is not only for the abuser...

http://www.drirene.com/selfcontrol.htm


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Can Abusers Change?

Abusive relationships do not change without sustained therapy specifically
targeted toward the abusive relationship patterns. It only takes one to abuse,
yet, these relationships themselves cannot be changed from one side. It takes
mutual honesty, openness, and willingness from both parties to work through
their separate dysfunctional patterns. Victims need help, too, with their
codependency and any fear, denial, and inability to set boundaries.

Group therapy is highly recommended for abusers, as it helps them to break
through the denial that is generally a part of the abusive patterns. (People in
denial generally recognize their own dysfunctional behavior in others more
easily than in themselves.) This applies to the partners of abusers as well -
group helps them to break through the denial by seeing the relationship patterns
from a wider view. Couples or marital counseling is not recommended for the
victim and abuser together in the beginning stages of recovery because they each
have distinct issues of their own.

If the abuser is unwilling to own their behavior and seek help the prudent
course of action is to remove yourself totally from the situation. This is
painful, but is generally safer and ultimately better for both parties than
allowing the cycle of abuse to continue.

Be prepared for the abuse to increase if you assert yourself or after you
leave - either can enrage the abuser, as it shatters their illusion of control.
Learn how to protect and care for yourself. Detachment with love is difficult,
but the best solution if your partner is unwilling to work though the issues.

Help is readily available for both parties in abusive relationships. These
relationships cannot be changed from one side. Remember that by staying you are
condoning and enabling the abuse - and helping your partner to stay sick. If
your partner is unwilling to get help the only safe course of action is to
totally remove yourself from the situation and seek help on your own.

Lost Source


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The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate
Relationships

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/006091565X/templeofwisdo-20


Book Description

"Anger is a signal and one worth listening to," writes Dr. Harriet Lerner, in
her renowned classic that has transformed the lives of millions of
readers.While anger deserves our attention and respect, women still learn to
silence our
anger, to deny it entirely, or to vent it in a way that leaves us feeling
helpless and powerless. In this engaging and eminently wise book, Dr. Lerner
teaches women to identify the true sources of our anger and to use anger as a
powerful vehicle for creating lasting change.


Highest recommendation, June 26, 2003

Reviewer: Peggy Vincent (see more about me) from eastern Oregon

Wow, I can't believe what an eye-opener this was, and I've recommended it to
maybe 20 friends. Dance of Anger provides a clear explanation of many of the
situations in which women find themselves feeling angry and not quite knowing
why or how or who or most of all, what to do about it. Bottom line is, it is
only by changing yourself within a relationship that you can hope to motivate
(or just make it possible for) others to change and grow.

Women are conditioned to stifle their anger or deny it, and this only leads
to reactions in other areas that compound the situation. "Anger deserves
recognition." It's definitely not a quick fix, but it just may lead to long term
solutions for the things that mightily bug us in our daily relationships with
spouses, parents, children, co-workers, bosses, etc., etc., etc.
Read it and give another copy to a friend - or enemy!


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HOW TO COPE WITH ABUSE
By: Sam Vaknin

April 29, 2004

Dear Readers, and one more excellent submission from Dr. Sam...� Dr. Irene

Violence in the family often follows other forms of more subtle and long-term
abuse: verbal, emotional, psychological sexual, or financial.

It is closely correlated with alcoholism, drug consumption, intimate-partner
homicide, teen pregnancy, infant and child mortality, spontaneous abortion,
reckless behaviors, suicide, and the onset of mental health disorders.

Most abusers and batterers are males - but a significant minority are women.
This being a "Women's Issue", the problem was swept under the carpet for
generations and only recently has it come to public awareness. Yet, even today,
society - for instance, through the court and the mental health systems -
largely
ignores domestic violence and abuse in the family. This induces feelings of
shame and guilt in the victims and "legitimizes" the role of the abuser.

Violence in the family is mostly spousal - one spouse beating, raping, or
otherwise physically harming and torturing the other. But children are also and
often victims - either directly, or indirectly. Other vulnerable familial
groups include the elderly and the disabled.

Abuse and violence cross geographical and cultural boundaries and social and
economic strata. It is common among the rich and the poor, the well-educated
and the less so, the young and the middle-aged, city dwellers and rural folk.
It is a universal phenomenon.

Abusers exploit, lie, insult, demean, ignore (the "silent treatment"),
manipulate, and control.

There are many ways to abuse. To love too much is to abuse. It is tantamount
to treating someone as an extension, an object, or an instrument of
gratification. To be over-protective, not to respect privacy, to be brutally
honest,
with a sadistic sense of humour, or consistently tactless - is to abuse.

To expect too much, to denigrate, to ignore - are all modes of abuse. There
is physical abuse, verbal abuse, psychological abuse, sexual abuse. The list is
long. Most abusers abuse surreptitiously. They are "stealth abusers". You
have to actually live with one in order to witness the abuse.

There are three important categories of abuse:

Overt Abuse

The open and explicit abuse of another person. Threatening, coercing,
beating, lying, berating, demeaning, chastising, insulting, humiliating,
exploiting,
ignoring ("silent treatment"), devaluing, unceremoniously discarding, verbal
abuse, physical abuse and sexual abuse are all forms of overt abuse.

Covert or Controlling Abuse

Abuse is almost entirely about control. It is often a primitive and immature
reaction to life circumstances in which the abuser (usually in his childhood)
was rendered helpless. It is about re-exerting one's identity, re-establishing
predictability, mastering the environment - human and physical.

The bulk of abusive behaviours can be traced to this panicky reaction to the
remote potential for loss of control. Many abusers are hypochondriacs (and
difficult patients) because they are afraid to lose control over their body, its
looks and its proper functioning. They are obsessive-compulsive in an effort
to subdue their physical habitat and render it foreseeable. They stalk people
and harass them as a means of "being in touch" - another form of control.

To the abuser, nothing exists outside himself. Meaningful others are
extensions, internal, assimilated, objects - not external ones. Thus, losing
control
over a significant other - is equivalent to losing control of a limb, or of
one's brain. It is terrifying.

Independent or disobedient people evoke in the abuser the realization that
something is wrong with his worldview, that he is not the centre of the world or
its cause and that he cannot control what, to him, are internal
representations.

To the abuser, losing control means going insane. Because other people are
mere elements in the abuser's mind - being unable to manipulate them literally
means losing it (his mind). Imagine, if you suddenly were to find out that you
cannot manipulate your memories or control your thoughts ... Nightmarish!

In his frantic efforts to maintain control or re-assert it, the abuser
resorts to a myriad of fiendishly inventive stratagems and mechanisms. Here is a
partial list:

Unpredictability and Uncertainty

The abuser acts unpredictably, capriciously, inconsistently and irrationally.
This serves to render others dependent upon the next twist and turn of the
abuser, his next inexplicable whim, upon his next outburst, denial, or smile.

The abuser makes sure that HE is the only reliable element in the lives of
his nearest and dearest - by shattering the rest of their world through his
seemingly insane behaviour. He perpetuates his stable presence in their lives -
by
destabilizing their own.

TIP

Refuse to accept such behaviour. Demand reasonably predictable and rational
actions and reactions. Insist on respect for your boundaries, predilections,
preferences, and priorities.

Disproportional Reactions

One of the favourite tools of manipulation in the abuser's arsenal is the
disproportionality of his reactions. He reacts with supreme rage to the
slightest
slight. Or he would punish severely for what he perceives to be an offence
against him, no matter how minor. Or, he would throw a temper tantrum over any
discord or disagreement, however gently and considerately expressed. Or, he
would act inordinately attentive, charming and tempting (even over-sexed, if
need
be).

This ever-shifting code of conduct and the unusually harsh and arbitrarily
applied penalties are premeditated. The victims are kept in the dark. Neediness
and dependence on the source of "justice" meted and judgment passed - on the
abuser - are thus guaranteed.

TIP

Demand a just and proportional treatment. Reject or ignore unjust and
capricious behaviour.

If you are up to the inevitable confrontation, react in kind. Let him taste
some of his own medicine.

Dehumanization and Objectification (Abuse)

People have a need to believe in the empathic skills and basic
good-heartedness of others. By dehumanizing and objectifying people - the abuser
attacks the
very foundations human interaction. This is the "alien" aspect of abusers -
they may be excellent imitations of fully formed adults but they are
emotionally absent and immature.

Abuse is so horrid, so repulsive, so phantasmagoric - that people recoil in
terror. It is then, with their defences absolutely down, that they are the most
susceptible and vulnerable to the abuser's control. Physical, psychological,
verbal and sexual abuse are all forms of dehumanization and objectification.

TIP

Never show your abuser that you are afraid of him. Do not negotiate with
bullies. They are insatiable. Do not succumb to blackmail.

If things get rough- disengage, involve law enforcement officers, friends and
colleagues, or threaten him (legally).

Do not keep your abuse a secret. Secrecy is the abuser's weapon.

Never give him a second chance. React with your full arsenal to the first
transgression.

Abuse of Information

From the first moments of an encounter with another person, the abuser is on
the prowl. He collects information. The more he knows about his potential
victim - the better able he is to coerce, manipulate, charm, extort or convert
it
"to the cause". The abuser does not hesitate to misuse the information he
gleaned, regardless of its intimate nature or the circumstances in which he
obtained it. This is a powerful tool in his armory.

TIP

Be guarded. Don't be too forthcoming in a first or casual meeting. Gather
intelligence.

Be yourself. Don't misrepresent your wishes, boundaries, preferences,
priorities, and red lines.

Do not behave inconsistently. Do not go back on your word. Be firm and
resolute.

Impossible Situations

The abuser engineers impossible, dangerous, unpredictable, unprecedented, or
highly specific situations in which he is sorely needed. The abuser makes sure
that his knowledge, his skills, his connections, or his traits are the only
ones applicable and the most useful in the situations that he, himself,
wrought. The abuser generates his own indispensability.

TIP

Stay away from such quagmires. Scrutinize every offer and suggestion, no
matter how innocuous.

Prepare backup plans. Keep others informed of your whereabouts and appraised
of your situation.

Be vigilant and doubting. Do not be gullible and suggestible. Better safe
than sorry.

Control by Proxy

If all else fails, the abuser recruits friends, colleagues, mates, family
members, the authorities, institutions, neighbours, the media, teachers - in
short, third parties - to do his bidding. He uses them to cajole, coerce,
threaten, stalk, offer, retreat, tempt, convince, harass, communicate and
otherwise
manipulate his target. He controls these unaware instruments exactly as he plans
to control his ultimate prey. He employs the same mechanisms and devices. And
he dumps his props unceremoniously when the job is done.

Another form of control by proxy is to engineer situations in which abuse is
inflicted upon another person. Such carefully crafted scenarios of
embarrassment and humiliation provoke social sanctions (condemnation,
opprobrium, or even
physical punishment) against the victim. Society, or a social group become
the instruments of the abuser.

TIP

Often the abuser's proxies are unaware of their role. Expose him. Inform
them. Demonstrate to them how they are being abused, misused, and plain used by
the abuser.

Trap your abuser. Treat him as he treats you. Involve others. Bring it into
the open. Nothing like sunshine to disinfest abuse.

Ambient Abuse

The fostering, propagation and enhancement of an atmosphere of fear,
intimidation, instability, unpredictability and irritation. There are no acts of
traceable explicit abuse, nor any manipulative settings of control. Yet, the
irksome feeling remains, a disagreeable foreboding, a premonition, a bad omen.
This
is sometimes called "gaslighting".

In the long term, such an environment erodes the victim's sense of self-worth
and self-esteem. Self-confidence is shaken badly. Often, the victims adopts a
paranoid or schizoid stance and thus renders himself or herself exposed even
more to criticism and judgment. The roles are thus reversed: the victim is
considered mentally deranged and the abuser - the suffering soul.

TIP

Run! Get away! Ambient abuse often develops to overt and violent abuse.

You don't owe anyone an explanation - but you owe yourself a life. Bail out.




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