"What we live with we learn,
    and what we learn
    we practice, and what we
    practice, we become....
    and what we become
    has consequences"......
    AND almost always, I have
    found, who we become
    has little to do with who
    we were meant to be.

Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls
by Robert Burney, therapist


HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

From ghoulies and ghosties
And long-leggedy beasties
And things that go bump in the night,
Good Lord, deliver us!
~Scottish Saying


AZRain Profile
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents















[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Journeys to the Emotional Frontier Within
By Robert Burney M.A.

"The way to stop reacting out of our inner children is to release the stored
emotional energy from our childhoods by doing the grief work that will heal
our wounds.  The only effective, long term way to clear our emotional process -
to clear the inner channel to Truth which exists in all of us is to grieve the
wounds which we suffered as children.  The most important single tool, the
tool which is vital to changing behavior patterns and attitudes in this healing
transformation, is the grief process.  The process of grieving.

We are all carrying around repressed pain, terror, shame, and rage energy
from our childhoods, whether it was twenty years ago or fifty years ago.  We
have
this grief energy within us even if we came from a relatively healthy family,
because this society is emotionally dishonest and dysfunctional."


Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls  by Robert Burney


Last month I mentioned two of the ways that many of us learned to distance
ourselves from our feelings - 'talking in the third person' and 'avoiding owning
our feelings verbally,' - a third very prevalent technique is story telling.

This is a very common method of avoiding our feelings.  Some people tell
entertaining stories to avoid feelings. They may respond to a feeling statement
by
saying something like 'I remember back in `85 when I. . .'  Their stories
might be very entertaining but they have no emotional content.

Some people tell stories about other people.  This is the stereotypical
Codependent of the joke about when a Codependent dies someone else's life passes
before their eyes.  They will respond to an emotional moment by telling an
emotional story about some friend, acquaintance, or even a person they read
about.
They may exhibit some emotion in telling the story but it is emotion for the
other person, not for self.  They keep a distance from their emotions by
attributing the emotional content to others.  If this type of stereotypical
Codependent is in a relationship everything they say will be about the other
person.
Direct questions about self will be answered with stories about the
significant other.  This is a completely unconscious result of the reality that
they
have no relationship with, or identity as, self as an individual.

Perhaps the most common story telling diversion is to get very involved in
the details of the story   'she said. . . . . then I said. . . . then she did. .
. . .'   The details are ultimately insignificant in relationship to the
emotions involved but because we do not know how to handle the emotions we get
caught up in the details.  Often we are relating the details in order to show
the
listener how we were wronged in the interaction.  Often we focus on how
others are wrong in reaction to the situation as a way of avoiding our feelings.

Here are two very typical examples of this type of emotional distancing
recently.  A person in obvious pain spoke for twenty minutes about a loved one
who
was dying.  For 19 and 1/2 minutes of that twenty the person talked of what
the doctor and nurses were doing wrong, of the details of incidents which
happened.  For a few brief seconds the person touched on their own feelings and
then
very quickly jumped back to the details of what was happening.  The other
example is my mother who is terrified of having a stroke and being partially
paralyzed for several years like her mother was.  Recently her older sister had
a
stroke.  My mother, in talking about what is happening, cannot talk about her
fear or pain, instead she talks about how her sister's children are behaving
incorrectly.

I am very sad to see people in this kind of emotional pain. I am sad that
they do not know how to be emotionally honest about what they are feeling.  This
is very typical and common in this emotionally dishonest society.  We have
been trained to be emotionally dishonest and need to go through a learning
process in order to retrain ourselves to allow ourselves to own the feelings.

An integral part of that learning process is grieving the wounds from our
childhood and earlier life.  By not grieving earlier losses there may be so much
suppressed energy that any current loss threatens to burst the whole dam of
emotions.  This literally feels life-threatening.

When I started to do my own emotional healing it felt like if I ever really
started crying that I wouldn't be able to stop - that I would end up crying in
a padded room someplace.  It felt as if I ever really let myself feel the rage
that I would just go up and down the street shooting people.  It was
terrifying.

When I first became willing to start dealing with the emotions it felt as if
I had opened Pandora's Box and that it would destroy me.  But I was led by my
Spiritual guidance to safe places to start learning how to do the grieving and
safe people to do it with.

Doing that grieving is overwhelming terrifying and painful.  It is also the
gateway to Spiritual Awakening.  It leads to empowerment, freedom, and inner
peace.  Releasing that grief energy allows us to start being able to be
emotionally honest in the moment in an age-appropriate way. It is, in my
understanding, the path that the Old Souls who are doing their healing in this
Age of
Healing and Joy need to travel to get clearer about their path and accomplish
their
mission in this lifetime.


Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls
by Robert Burney, therapist


HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

From ghoulies and ghosties
And long-leggedy beasties
And things that go bump in the night,
Good Lord, deliver us!
~Scottish Saying


AZRain Profile
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents















[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Emotions are energy.  Actual physical energy that is manifested in our
bodies.  Emotions are not thoughts - they do not exist in our mind.  Our mental
attitudes, definitions, and expectations can create emotional reactions, can
cause
us to get stuck in emotional states - but thoughts are not emotions.  The
intellectual and emotional are two distinctly separate though intimately
interconnected parts of our being.  In order to find some balance, peace, and
sanity
in recovery it is vitally important to start separating the emotional from the
intellectual and to start setting boundaries with, and between, the emotional
and mental parts of our self.

Many of us learned to live in our heads.  To analyze, intellectualize, and
rationalize as a defense against feeling our feelings.  Some of us went to the
other extreme and lived life based on our emotional reactions without any
intellectual balance.  Some of us would swing from one extreme to the other.
Living life in the extremes or swinging between the extremes is dysfunctional -
it
does not work to create a balanced, healthy, happy life.

If you learned to live life in your head it is vitally necessary to start
becoming more aware of your body and what is happening in your body emotionally.
Where is there tension, tightness?  Where is the energy manifesting in my
body?  I learned that when there is energy congregating in my upper chest it was
sadness.  If it was around my heart chakra it was hurt.  Anger and fear
manifest in my stomach.  Until I started to become aware of, and identify, the
emotional energy in my body it was impossible for me to be emotionally honest
with
myself.  It was impossible for me to start owning, honoring, and releasing the
emotional energy in a healthy way until I became aware that it was there.

I had to become aware that there were such things as emotions that lived in
my body and then I had to start learning how to recognize and sort them out.  I
had to become aware of all the ways that I was trained to distance myself
from my feelings.  I am going to mention a few of them here to help any of you
reading this in your process of becoming emotionally honest.

Speaking in the third person.  One of the defenses many of us have against
feeling our feelings is to speak of ourselves in the third person.  "You just
kind of feel hurt when that happens" is not a personal statement and does not
carry the power of speaking in the first person.  "I felt hurt when that
happened" is personal, is owning the feeling.  Listen to yourself and to others
and
become aware of how often you hear others and yourself refer to self in the
third person.

Avoiding using primary feeling words.  There are only a handful of primary
feelings that all humans feel.  There is some dispute about just how many there
are primary but for our purpose here I am going to use seven.  Those are:
angry, sad, hurt, afraid, lonely, ashamed, and  happy.  It is important to start
using the primary names of these feelings in order to own them and to stop
distancing ourselves from the feelings.  To say "I am anxious" or "concerned" or
"apprehensive" is not the same as saying "I am afraid."  Fear is at the root of
all those other expressions but we don't have to be so aware of our fear if
we use a word that distances us from fear.  Expressions like "confused,"
"irritated," "upset," "tense," "disturbed," "melancholy," "blue," "good," or
"bad"
are not primary feeling words.

Emotions are energy that is meant to flow: E - motion = energy in motion.
Until we own it, feel it and release it, it cannot flow.  By blocking and
repressing our emotions we are damming up our internal energy and that will
eventually result in some physical or mental manifestation such as cancer or
alzheimers disease or whatever.

Until we can start being emotionally honest with ourselves it is impossible
to be truly honest on any level with anybody.  Until we start becoming
emotionally honest with ourselves it is impossible to know  who we Truly are. 
Our
emotions tell us who we are and without emotional honesty it is impossible to be
True to our self because we don't know ourselves.

Of course there is a very good reason we have had to be emotionally
dishonest.  It is because we are carrying around unresolved grief - suppressed
pain,
terror, shame, and rage energy from our childhoods.  Until we deal with our
unresolved grief and start releasing the suppressed, pressurized emotional
energy
from our past it is impossible to be comfortable in our own skins, in the
moment, in an emotionally honest, age-appropriate way.  Until we become willing
to
take the journey to the emotional frontier within us we cannot Truly know who
we are, we cannot Truly  start to forgive and Love ourselves.


Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls
by Robert Burney, therapist


HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

From ghoulies and ghosties
And long-leggedy beasties
And things that go bump in the night,
Good Lord, deliver us!
~Scottish Saying


AZRain Profile
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents















[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Emotional Incest
By Robert Burney M.A.

"Consider a scenario where mother is crying in her bedroom and her three year
old toddles into the room. To the child it looks as if mom is dying. The
child is terrified and says, "I love you mommy!" Mom looks at her child. Her
eyes
fill with love, and her face breaks into a smile. She says, 'Oh honey, I love
you so much. You are my wonderful little boy/girl. Come here and give mommy a
hug. You make mommy feel so good.'

A touching scene? No. Emotional abuse! The child has just received the
message that he/she has the power to save mommy's life. That the child has power
over, and therefore responsibility for, mommy's feelings. This is emotional
abuse, and sets up an emotionally incestuous relationship in which the child
feels
responsible for the parent's emotional
needs.


A healthy parent would explain to the child that it is all right for mommy to
cry, that it is healthy and good for people to cry when they feel sad or
hurt. An emotionally healthy parent would "role model" for the child that it is
okay to have the full range of emotions, all the feelings - sadness and hurt,
anger and fear, Joy and happiness, etc."


Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls by Robert Burney


One of the most pervasive, traumatic, and damaging dynamics that occurs in
families in this dysfunctional, emotionally dishonest society is emotional
incest. It is rampant in our society but there is still very little written or
discussed about it.

Emotional incest occurs when a child feels responsible for a parents
emotional well-being. This happens because the parents do not know how to have
healthy
boundaries. It can occur with one or both parents, same sex or opposite sex.
It occurs because the parents are emotionally dishonest with themselves and
cannot get their emotional needs met by their spouse or other adults. John
Bradshaw refers to this dynamic as a parent making the child their "surrogate
spouse."

This type of abuse can happen in a variety of ways. On one end of the
spectrum the parent emotionally "dumps" on the child. This occurs when a parent
talks
about adult issues and feelings to a child as if they were a peer. Sometimes
both parents will dump on a child in a way that puts the child in the middle
of disagreements between the parents - with each complaining about the other.

On the other end of the spectrum is the family where no one talks about their
feelings. In this case, though no one is talking about feelings, there are
still emotional undercurrents present in the family which the child senses and
feels some responsibility for - even if they haven't got a clue as to what the
tension, anger, fear, or hurt are all about.

Emotional incest from either parent is devastating to the child's ability to
be able to set boundaries and take care of getting their own needs met when
they become an adult. This type of abuse, when inflicted by the opposite sex
parent, can have a devastating effect on the adult/child's relationship with
his/her own sexuality and gender, and their ability to have successful intimate
relationships as an adult.

What often happens is that 'Daddy's little princess' or 'Mommy's big boy'
becomes an adult who has good friends of the opposite sex that they can be
emotionally intimate with but would never think of being sexually involved with
(and
feel dreadfully betrayed by, when those friends express sexual interest) and
are sexually excited by members of the opposite sex whom they don't like and
can't trust (they may feel they are desperately 'in love' with such a person
but in reality don't really like their personality). This is an unconscious way
of not betraying mommy or daddy by having sex with someone that they are
emotionally intimate with and truly care about as a person.

Over the last ten years I have seen many different examples of how
emotionally dishonest family dynamics impact children. Ranging from the
twelve-year old
girl who was much too big to be crawling into mom's lap but would do so every
time mom started to cry because that interrupted her mother's emotional
process and stopped her crying, to the nine-year old boy who looked me in the
eye
and said "How am I supposed to start talking about feelings when I haven't my
whole life."

Then there is the little boy who by four-years old had been going to
twelve-step meetings with his mother for two years. At a CoDA meeting one day he
was
sitting on a man's lap only six feet away from where his mother was sharing and
crying. He didn't even bother to look up when his mother started crying. The
man, who was more concerned than the little boy, said to him, "Your mommy's
crying because she feels sad." The little boy looked up, glanced over at his
mother and said, "Yea, she's getting better," and went back to playing. He knew
that it was okay for mom to cry and that it was not his job to fix her.

That little boy, at four years old, already had healthier boundaries than
most adults - because his mother was in recovery working on getting healthier
herself. The best thing that we can do for any of our loved ones is to focus on
our own healing. And one of the cornerstones of healing is to forgive ourselves
for the wounds we suffered and for the wounds we inflicted. We were powerless
to behave any differently because of our programing and training, because of
our wounds. Just as our parents were powerless, and their parents before them,
etc. etc.

One of the traps of Codependence Recovery is that as we gain awareness of our
behavioral patterns and emotional dishonesty we judge and shame ourselves for
what we are learning. That is the disease talking. That "critical parent"
voice in our head is the disease talking to us. We need to stop buying into that
negative, shaming energy and start Loving ourselves so that we can change our
patterns and become emotionally honest.

There is hope. We are breaking the cycles of generations of emotional
dishonesty and abuse. We now have the tools and knowledge we need to heal our
wounds
and change the human condition. We are Spiritual Beings having a human
experience. We are perfect in our Spiritual essence. We are perfectly where we
are
supposed to be on our Spiritual path, and we will never be able to do human
perfectly. We are Unconditionally Loved and we are going to get to go Home.


Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls
by Robert Burney, therapist


HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

From ghoulies and ghosties
And long-leggedy beasties
And things that go bump in the night,
Good Lord, deliver us!
~Scottish Saying


AZRain Profile
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents















[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

A Dance of Suffering, Shame, and Self-abuse
by Robert Burney M.A.

"The reason that we have not been Loving our neighbor as ourselves is because
we have been doing it backwards. We were taught to judge and feel ashamed of
ourselves. We were taught to hate ourselves for being human."

"If I am feeling like a "failure" and giving power to the "critical parent"
voice within that is telling me that I am a failure - then I can get stuck in a
very painful place where I am shaming myself for being me. In this dynamic I
am being the victim of myself and also being my own perpetrator - and the next
step is to rescue myself by using one of the old tools to go unconscious
(food, alcohol, sex, etc.) Thus the disease has me running around in a squirrel
cage of suffering and shame, a dance of pain, blame, and self-abuse."

Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls

Codependence is an incredibly powerful, insidious, and vicious disease. It is
so powerful because it is ingrained in our core relationship with ourselves.
As little kids we were assaulted with the message that there was something
wrong with us. We got this message from our parents who were assaulted and
wounded in childhood by their parents who were assaulted and wounded in
childhood,
etc. etc., and from our society that is based on the belief that being human is
shameful.

Codependence is insidious because it is so pervasive. The core emotional
belief that there is something wrong with who we are as beings affects all of
the
relationships in our life and keeps us from learning how to Truly Love. In a
Codependent society value is assigned in comparison (richer than, prettier
than, more spiritual than, healthier than, etc.) so that the only way to feel
good
about self is the judge and look down on others. Comparison serves the belief
in separation which makes violence, homelessness, pollution, and billionaires
possible. Love is about feeling connected in the scheme of things not
separate.

Codependence is vicious because it causes us to hate and abuse ourselves. We
were taught to judge and shame ourselves for being human. At the core of our
relationship with ourselves is the feeling that we are somehow not worthy and
not lovable.

My father was trained that he was supposed to be perfect and that anger was
the only permissible male emotion. As a result, that little boy that made
mistakes and got yelled at felt like he was flawed and unlovable.

My mother told me how much she loved me, how important and valuable I was,
and how I could be anything that I wanted to be. But my mother had no
self-esteem and no boundaries so she emotionally incested me. I felt responsible
for her
emotional well-being and felt great shame that I couldn't protect her from
father's raging or the pain of life. This was proof that I was so flawed that,
though a woman might think I was lovable, eventually the truth of my
unworthiness would be exposed by my inability to protect her and insure her
happiness.

The church I was raised in taught me that I was born sinful and unworthy, and
that I should be grateful and adoring because God loved me in spite of my
unworthiness. And, even though God loved me, if I allowed my unworthiness to
surface by acting on (or even thinking about) the shameful human weaknesses that
I
was born with - then God would be forced, with great sadness and reluctance,
to cast me into hell to burn forever.

Is it any wonder that at my core I felt unworthy and unlovable? Is it any
wonder that as an adult I got trapped in a continual cycle of shame, blame, and
self-abuse?

The pain of being unworthy and shameful was so great that I had to learn ways
to go unconscious and disconnect from my feelings. The ways in which I
learned to protect myself from that pain and nurture myself when I was hurting
so
badly were with things like drugs and alcohol, food and cigarettes,
relationships and work, obsession and rumination.

The way it works in practice is like this: I am feeling fat; I judge myself
for being fat; I shame myself for being fat; I beat myself for being fat; then
I am hurting so badly that I have to relieve some of the pain; so to nurture
myself I eat a pizza; then I judge myself for eating the pizza, etc. etc.

To the disease, this is a functional cycle. The shame begets the self-abuse
which begets the shame which serves the purpose of the disease which is to keep
us separate so the we don't set ourselves up to fail by believing that we are
worthy and lovable.

Obviously, this is a dysfunctional cycle if our purpose is to be happy and
enjoy being alive.

The way to stop this cycle is two-fold and simple in theory but extremely
hard to implement on a moment-to-moment, day-to day basis in our lives. The
first
part has to do with removing the shame from our inner process. This is a
complicated and multi-leveled process that involves changing the belief systems
that are dictating our reactions to life (this include everything from positive
affirmations to grief/emotional energy release work, to support groups, to
meditation and prayer, to inner child work, etc.) so that we can change our
relationship with ourselves at the core and start treating ourselves in
healthier
ways.

The second part is simpler and usually harder. It involves taking 'the
action.' ('the action' refers to the specific behavior. We have to take action
to do
all of the things listed in the first part as well.) Changing the behavior
that is giving us a reason for the shame. Just saying 'no' - or 'yes' if the
behavior in question is something like not eating or isolating or not
exercising.
And even though it may sometime work in the short run to use shame and
judgment to get ourselves to change a behavior, in the long term - in alignment
with
our goal of having a more Loving relationship with ourselves so that we can
be happy - it is much more powerful to take that action in a Loving way.

This involves setting a boundary for the little child inside of us, who wants
instant gratification and instant relief, out of the Loving adult in us who
understands the concept of delayed gratification. (If I exercise every day I
will feel much better in the long run.) True pride comes from action taken. It
is false pride to feel good about ourselves in comparison because of looks,
talent, intelligence or for being forced to become spiritual, healthy, or sober.
Those are gifts. True pride is taking credit for the action we have taken to
foster, nurture, and maintain those gifts.

The way to break the self-destructive cycle, to stop the dance of shame,
suffering, and self-abuse, is to set Loving boundaries for ourselves in the
moment
of that desperate need for immediate gratification and to know that - though
it is not shameful if we can't do it perfectly or all the time - we need to
'just do it.' We need to stand up for our True Self to our wounded self in order
to Love ourselves.


Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls
by Robert Burney, therapist


HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

From ghoulies and ghosties
And long-leggedy beasties
And things that go bump in the night,
Good Lord, deliver us!
~Scottish Saying


AZRain Profile
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents















[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Family of Origin Roles: Who Are You?

The troubled or "dysfunctional" family does not always include obvious
afflictions such as alcohol or drug addiction, extramarital affairs, or physical
abuse. The troubled family could be one in which dad was emotionally unavailable
or mom was very controlling. The troubled family could be one in which one
parent found solace in work or academia, as the other parent enabled this
behavior by taking on the responsibilities of the entire family system. In cases
such
as these, the children are left exposed and vulnerable to the ailments of the
world, such as drug addiction or abusive and codependent relationships. The
troubled family could be your neighbors who look so normal, or the people
worshipping beside you at church. The troubled family could be the one in which
you
currently reside. However, there is hope.

At MARR, our patients and their families are educated on the roles in which
they take on as children in their families of origin. In the 1950s, social
worker Virginia Satir was a pioneer in defining the roles that individual family
members acquire in the troubled family, with therapists Don and Sharon
Wegscheider furthering Satir’s work in the early 1980s. Counselors in the
substance
abuse field have found this work imperative as they see firsthand how these
roles play themselves out in the "addicted family". For instance, if one parent
is
addicted to a substance, the other parent is the codependent, as the children
become the "mascot", "hero", "lost child", or "scapegoat".

If you believe you come from or currently live in a troubled family, in which
role did/do you find yourself? In what role did/do other family members fall?

Chemically Dependent or Avoider of Feelings: Root cause for the dysfunction
in the family. This person shifts the blame to someone else. He or she has
repressed feelings of pain, guilt, shame, fear, and anger/rage. This person is
out
of touch with reality and hides behind rigidity, aggressiveness, hostility,
self-righteousness, high standards for others, grandiosity, and perfectionism.
A chemically dependent will medicate pain through addictive substances; any
avoider of true intimacy will find an avenue in which to avoid feelings or real
connections with others (work, gambling, school, food, etc.)

Codependent: The one closest and the most depended upon by the addict/avoider—
usually a spouse. As the addict/avoider either loses control or further
detaches from the family, the codependent makes more decisions and takes on more
responsibility, thus enabling the addictive/avoidance behavior. This person
hides behind walls of martyrdom, seriousness, control, denial, people-pleasing,
care taking, protecting, rescuing, self-blaming, hostility and low self-worth.

Hero: Usually the oldest child. This child is super-responsible in order to
take the responsibility off the codependents’ shoulders. Makes good grades,
excels in a sport or activity to make the family look good. This child has
repressed feelings of guilt, inadequacy, loneliness, confusion, anger and hurt.

Mascot: Usually the youngest child. They provide comic relief to take the
heat off the family. Things seem easier when the mascot acts cute and immature.
This mascot is often not taken seriously. They have repressed feelings of being
crazy, scared, high anxiety, hurt, loneliness, confusion and pain. They
provide distraction and seek attention through clowning around. They tend to be
hyperactive and can’t handle stress.

Lost Child: The lost child may be the middle child. They are typically sweet,
quiet and shy. He or she hides behind walls of being withdrawn from the
family; a dreamer, super-independent, low academic achievement and promiscuous
behavior. But this child is perceived as the one in which the family doesn’t
have
to worry. This child tends to stay in their little fantasy world and often
ends up with a lot of emotional problems. They may have trouble making
decisions,
but can be very creative in the arts. The lost child has feelings of being
ignored, inadequacy, hurt, feeling unimportant, and anger. (Often the lost child
becomes the scapegoat in their adolescence (Often the lost child becomes the
scapegoat in their adolescence.)

Scapegoat: Often the second child. Their rebelliousness takes focus away from
the addict/avoider. They are strongly influenced by peer alliance outside of
the home because they don’t feel as if they belong in the family. They carry
the pain of the family, which is why they are called the scapegoat; they are
often blamed for the problems in the family though their behavior is the result,
not the cause of the dysfunction. They have repressed feelings of insecurity,
anger, hurt, rejection, fear, and loneliness. They act out via chemical abuse
and sexual promiscuity, and they are at high risk for suicide.

(Role definitions taken from Boundary Power by O’Neil and Newbold)



HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

From ghoulies and ghosties
And long-leggedy beasties
And things that go bump in the night,
Good Lord, deliver us!
~Scottish Saying


AZRain Profile
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series) by Melody Beattie

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0894866370/templeofwisdo-20


The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie is an excellent tool for anyone
who wants to work through the painful process of ending an unhealthy
relationship and to become more independent and empowered. Melody Beattie brings
you 50
cards to help remind you that each day you can ask for and accept the healing
energy of God and the Universe. Remember that you are all part of, and one
with, the continuous cycle of healing, and she urges you to live according to
the concepts of detachment and present-moment living. Reflecting on the core
issues of codependency, Melody Beattie encourages readers to trust themselves on
their journey to self-care. Each meditation is filled with the personal warmth
and insight Beattie brings to all of her books.



HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

From ghoulies and ghosties
And long-leggedy beasties
And things that go bump in the night,
Good Lord, deliver us!
~Scottish Saying


AZRain Profile
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents





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Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes From, How It Sabotages Our
Lives by Pia Mellody

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0062505890/templeofwisdo-20


Synopsis: This book stands out among the current glut of material on
codependence because it claims the realm of parenting for its vantage point. The
authors believe that codependents must heal themselves in order not to repeat
the
"less than nurturing" behaviors of their own addicted or emotionally
dysfunctional parents. Hence, they couple strategies for recovery with
guidelines on
what is and is not "normal" in the parent-child relationship. The authors'
conclusions will invite controversy; for instance, they suggest that "emotional
sexual abuse" of children may lead to homosexuality in adulthood. Nor are they
reluctant to generalize: "Although physical and mental illness aren't
addictions,
their effect on the family is the same." Offsetting the opinionated
commentary is great compassion for the helpless, hurt children who live inside
adult
codependents.

A brilliant new guide to understanding the origins of codependence and the
path to recovery by a nationally recognized authority on dependency and
addiction. In this fresh new look at codependence, Pia Mellody traces the
origins of
this illness back to childhood, describing a whole range of emotional,
spiritual, intellectual, physical, and sexual abuses. Because of these earlier
experiences, codependent adults often lack the skills necessary to lead mature
lives
and have satisfying relationships.

Recovery from codependence comes from clearing up the toxic feelings left
over from childhood and learning to re parent oneself by intervening on the
adult
symptoms of codependence. Central to Mellody's concept is the idea of the
"precious child" that needs healing within each adult. She creates a framework
for identifying codependent behavior and describes an effective approach to
recovery that includes both therapy and self-help processes. Designed to be used
with her new workbook for codependents, Breaking Free, this is a powerful tool
for understanding the nature of codependence.



HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

From ghoulies and ghosties
And long-leggedy beasties
And things that go bump in the night,
Good Lord, deliver us!
~Scottish Saying


AZRain Profile
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents





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Articles and Tips on Self-Love and Nurturing Your Soul - and How to Transform
Self Hate

http://www.cherylrainfield.com/articles.html


I am sure it is a great mistake always to know enough to go in when it rains.

One may keep snug and dry by such knowledge,
but one misses a world of loveliness.
-  Adeline Knapp


AZRain Profile
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


EVA Homesite
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Affirmation Cards to encourage self worth by Cheryl Rainfield

http://www.cherylrainfield.com/random_card.html




I am sure it is a great mistake always to know enough to go in when it rains.

One may keep snug and dry by such knowledge,
but one misses a world of loveliness.
-  Adeline Knapp


AZRain Profile
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


EVA Homesite
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Quandary: Who is the Victim, who is the Abuser?
by DR Irene


..."I printed out a lot of pages from this site for my husband because he is
an abuser. He thought it was all very interesting, but seems to feel I was the
abuser. He thinks I am playing games with his mind by refusing to have sex
with him when I don't want to. He resorts to emotional blackmail. This was
pointed out by our counselor when we were in marriage counseling.

To me its important they realize they are being abusive so they can get the
help they need to stop being abusive and change the way they think and their
beliefs. Am I wrong Dr Irene??? We have to realize we are victims and recognize
our codependent and victim behaviors so we can change them.

I ask because my husband just seems to think its all me..."

Am I Wrong?

No, you are not wrong. An individual cannot change themselves unless they
recognize that they are abusive, or codependent, or (fill in the blank).
Recognition is half the battle. Changing it is the other half.

Victim-Abuser?

What is going on when each partner thinks they are the victim of the other?
This situation, by the way, is the norm. The identified victim is screaming,
"Look what X is doing to me!" The identified abuser is screaming, "Look what Y
is doing to me!" What's going on?

First recognize that I am not talking extremes. It is not hard to pick out
the abuser and victim in cases of battery. But roles are rarely this clear-cut.
What about cases where both parties batter each other? What about partnerships
in which there is no battery, yet verbal and emotional abuse run rampant?

Labels Can Get Us Stuck

While invaluable in the recognition and identification of a phenomenon,
labels can present problems as well. Just as there is no such thing as "the
normal"
person (e.g., 2.3 kids, 1.5 dogs, etc.), there is no such thing as "the
victim" and "the abuser." 

Boundaries Or Withholding?

The identified victim usually needs to recognize when  his or her boundaries
have been violated and put a stop to it. The identified abuser usually needs
to recognize that their boundaries have not been violated when they are denied
entry into their partner's space.

For example: The above poster mentions that her husband felt she was being
abusive in refusing sex with him when she did not want sex. Throughout the site,
and elsewhere, the consensus is that if an individual does not want to make
love with their marital partner, it is their right - in fact it is their
responsibility to themselves - not to! The writer's husband interprets her
behavior
as "abuse" in that it constitutes a passive-aggressive withholding of what he
seeks. This is his point of view.

If she is not inclined to make love with him because he does not treat her
lovingly, which is what I read between the lines of this woman's post, her
husband feels abused - when, in fact, she is simply taking care of herself! He
cries "abuse" because she will not let him violate her boundaries / personal
space
- as he may be used to doing or expects to do.

The distinction between maintaining boundaries or behaving passive
aggressively can be murky because withholding is an element of abuse; many
abusive
individuals "specialize" in withholding sex, affection, compliments, etc. These
individuals feel justified  withholding loving behavior - because they have a
problem with how they were treated, etc. They will, rightfully from their point
of view declare, "I cannot make love to my partner because I was treated
poorly."

Yet, their idea of "poor treatment" may be that they felt ignored that their
partner was on the phone last night with mom for an hour. This is passive
aggressive tit-for-tat retaliation, not boundary setting.

Care For Yourself!

My approach with abusive individuals is to tell them that it is their job, n
ot their partner's job, to take care of themselves. In this case, I would
advise the lonely individual to speak up the next time they feel neglected by
their
partner. But, I also caution that while it is their responsibility to
initiate their request, it is also their responsibility to accept "no" for an
answer
- and without holding a grudge. After all, holding a grudge is like shooting
yourself in the foot. You aren't likely to endear yourself to anyone by being
cool or nasty towards them. "Acceptance" can be difficult for the individual
who implicitly and irrationally assumes that they are entitled to get "their
way."

Ditto with denied sex: it is your responsibility to ask for what you want,
but it is also your responsibility to gracefully accept "no" for an answer. Your
partner's feelings are as important as your feelings. Your partner has a
right not to make make love with you for whatever reason. When I am asked, "But,
what kind of marriage is that?" I am likely to advise that if an individual has
done everything in their power to be gracious, loving, and understanding
towards their partner (which is their responsibility to themselves), and sex is
still not forthcoming, then the individual needs to choose whether or not sex is
important enough to merit threatening the relationship. "Forcing" or cajoling
another to give what they don't want to give will only lead to resentment and
problems down the road. This holds true whether the partner is biochemically
disinterested, ill, overtly angry, or passive aggressive!

One of my favorite sayings is, "Ask for what you want once; or even twice.
After that, assume your partner heard you and will not or cannot give you what
you want. Accept it."

The Water Is Even Murkier

Asking, "Who is the abuser / who is the victim,"  implicitly questions which
partner is trying to exercise "control" over the other by their attempt to
meet their implicitly-held  entitlement demands; the classic "My Way" stuff.
However, once again, things are not so clear cut. The issue is clouded by the
fact
that nobody is perfect. Not even the saintliest victim will maintain his or
her cool all the time. Not even the most self-sacrificing victim will never
ever be passive-aggressive or (gasp!) controlling. In fact, victims are
extremely
controlling, though their objective is usually along the lines of being loved
and gaining approval. Nevertheless, the point is, we are human; we mess up
all the time.

The abuser person is expert at immediately picking up the slightest momentary
acting out. This guarded person is likely to mentally keep tabs, or never let
the victim forget their misbehavior. The victim, often too expert at soul
searching, recognizes their misbehavior - and gets lost in wondering if they are
the abuser! All this occurs while the abuse and trampling of boundaries
continues.

It Goes Two Ways

While I advise my victim people to continue their soul searching, for it is
good for them, I also caution that they give themselves the same (generous)
benefit of the doubt they give their partner. I also encourage these individuals
to recognize their equality and therefore expect consideration and benefit of
the doubt in return.

We are out of balance when we harbor implicit expectations about what we are
entitled to from our partner. We are also out of balance when we obsess over
our errors and what we didn't give.

Healthy thinking assumes:

the ability to reflect on and learn from one's mistakes 
a sense of worth and entitlement 
the ability to gracefully accept "no" for an answer.  

The Abusive Victim

In some cases, the abuse has gone on for so long, or the individual feels so
provoked; has put up with so much, or, for whatever reason, the victim is so
very, very angry, there is little benefit of the doubt left for the partner.
This is the victim who is likely to misbehave at every turn - and feel justified
in doing so. This is the victim who behaviorally and psychologically has come
to resemble the abuser: this person wants to push their abuser away, punish
and hurt them.  

Is this person a victim? An abuser? A victim-abuser? Good question. Sometimes
I don't know either. I remember the battered wife I treated for several
months. The next time I saw her, she was divorced, had horror stories; had been
in
a shelter, etc. But, her current boyfriend was preparing to leave her because
she was verbally abusive, had hit him several times, and blocked his access
with her car. This so-called "victim" dropped out of treatment as I started
confronting her on her misbehavior.

On the other hand, I remember the recovering addict who came to me to deal
with a self-proclaimed "anger problem." He was engaged in furious acting-out
with his former girlfriend in a never-ending courtroom battle over their child.
Although she allied herself with the battered woman's movement, it turns out he
was the victim! He knew no better than to blow up at her lies and
provocation. This young man stayed in treatment and turned his life around. He
still
doesn't attack, but he has learned to defend himself and fight back fairly and
well. Last I heard, he was "winning" in court.

So, who is the victim and who is the abuser? Seems to me that the individual
who takes responsibility for his or her life and thinks "smart" - is neither!

Smart Thinking

Back to the original poster whose question inspired this article. This savvy
lady took care of herself. She searched her soul, didn't give away the benefit
of the doubt -  and went on to answer her own question:

"This article really interested me because I did wonder if I was turning into
an abuser because of his constant remarks. But when I really think about the
things he "claims" are abuse, its just me setting my boundaries and him having
a huge problem with my boundaries."

Amen.


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Victim/Abuser Quiz

http://www.drirene.com/abuservs.htm


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Self-control is not only for the abuser...

http://www.drirene.com/selfcontrol.htm


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Can Abusers Change?

Abusive relationships do not change without sustained therapy specifically
targeted toward the abusive relationship patterns. It only takes one to abuse,
yet, these relationships themselves cannot be changed from one side. It takes
mutual honesty, openness, and willingness from both parties to work through
their separate dysfunctional patterns. Victims need help, too, with their
codependency and any fear, denial, and inability to set boundaries.

Group therapy is highly recommended for abusers, as it helps them to break
through the denial that is generally a part of the abusive patterns. (People in
denial generally recognize their own dysfunctional behavior in others more
easily than in themselves.) This applies to the partners of abusers as well -
group helps them to break through the denial by seeing the relationship patterns
from a wider view. Couples or marital counseling is not recommended for the
victim and abuser together in the beginning stages of recovery because they each
have distinct issues of their own.

If the abuser is unwilling to own their behavior and seek help the prudent
course of action is to remove yourself totally from the situation. This is
painful, but is generally safer and ultimately better for both parties than
allowing the cycle of abuse to continue.

Be prepared for the abuse to increase if you assert yourself or after you
leave - either can enrage the abuser, as it shatters their illusion of control.
Learn how to protect and care for yourself. Detachment with love is difficult,
but the best solution if your partner is unwilling to work though the issues.

Help is readily available for both parties in abusive relationships. These
relationships cannot be changed from one side. Remember that by staying you are
condoning and enabling the abuse - and helping your partner to stay sick. If
your partner is unwilling to get help the only safe course of action is to
totally remove yourself from the situation and seek help on your own.

Lost Source


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The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate
Relationships

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/006091565X/templeofwisdo-20


Book Description

"Anger is a signal and one worth listening to," writes Dr. Harriet Lerner, in
her renowned classic that has transformed the lives of millions of
readers.While anger deserves our attention and respect, women still learn to
silence our
anger, to deny it entirely, or to vent it in a way that leaves us feeling
helpless and powerless. In this engaging and eminently wise book, Dr. Lerner
teaches women to identify the true sources of our anger and to use anger as a
powerful vehicle for creating lasting change.


Highest recommendation, June 26, 2003

Reviewer: Peggy Vincent (see more about me) from eastern Oregon

Wow, I can't believe what an eye-opener this was, and I've recommended it to
maybe 20 friends. Dance of Anger provides a clear explanation of many of the
situations in which women find themselves feeling angry and not quite knowing
why or how or who or most of all, what to do about it. Bottom line is, it is
only by changing yourself within a relationship that you can hope to motivate
(or just make it possible for) others to change and grow.

Women are conditioned to stifle their anger or deny it, and this only leads
to reactions in other areas that compound the situation. "Anger deserves
recognition." It's definitely not a quick fix, but it just may lead to long term
solutions for the things that mightily bug us in our daily relationships with
spouses, parents, children, co-workers, bosses, etc., etc., etc.
Read it and give another copy to a friend - or enemy!


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HOW TO COPE WITH ABUSE
By: Sam Vaknin

April 29, 2004

Dear Readers, and one more excellent submission from Dr. Sam...  Dr. Irene

Violence in the family often follows other forms of more subtle and long-term
abuse: verbal, emotional, psychological sexual, or financial.

It is closely correlated with alcoholism, drug consumption, intimate-partner
homicide, teen pregnancy, infant and child mortality, spontaneous abortion,
reckless behaviors, suicide, and the onset of mental health disorders.

Most abusers and batterers are males - but a significant minority are women.
This being a "Women's Issue", the problem was swept under the carpet for
generations and only recently has it come to public awareness. Yet, even today,
society - for instance, through the court and the mental health systems -
largely
ignores domestic violence and abuse in the family. This induces feelings of
shame and guilt in the victims and "legitimizes" the role of the abuser.

Violence in the family is mostly spousal - one spouse beating, raping, or
otherwise physically harming and torturing the other. But children are also and
often victims - either directly, or indirectly. Other vulnerable familial
groups include the elderly and the disabled.

Abuse and violence cross geographical and cultural boundaries and social and
economic strata. It is common among the rich and the poor, the well-educated
and the less so, the young and the middle-aged, city dwellers and rural folk.
It is a universal phenomenon.

Abusers exploit, lie, insult, demean, ignore (the "silent treatment"),
manipulate, and control.

There are many ways to abuse. To love too much is to abuse. It is tantamount
to treating someone as an extension, an object, or an instrument of
gratification. To be over-protective, not to respect privacy, to be brutally
honest,
with a sadistic sense of humour, or consistently tactless - is to abuse.

To expect too much, to denigrate, to ignore - are all modes of abuse. There
is physical abuse, verbal abuse, psychological abuse, sexual abuse. The list is
long. Most abusers abuse surreptitiously. They are "stealth abusers". You
have to actually live with one in order to witness the abuse.

There are three important categories of abuse:

Overt Abuse

The open and explicit abuse of another person. Threatening, coercing,
beating, lying, berating, demeaning, chastising, insulting, humiliating,
exploiting,
ignoring ("silent treatment"), devaluing, unceremoniously discarding, verbal
abuse, physical abuse and sexual abuse are all forms of overt abuse.

Covert or Controlling Abuse

Abuse is almost entirely about control. It is often a primitive and immature
reaction to life circumstances in which the abuser (usually in his childhood)
was rendered helpless. It is about re-exerting one's identity, re-establishing
predictability, mastering the environment - human and physical.

The bulk of abusive behaviours can be traced to this panicky reaction to the
remote potential for loss of control. Many abusers are hypochondriacs (and
difficult patients) because they are afraid to lose control over their body, its
looks and its proper functioning. They are obsessive-compulsive in an effort
to subdue their physical habitat and render it foreseeable. They stalk people
and harass them as a means of "being in touch" - another form of control.

To the abuser, nothing exists outside himself. Meaningful others are
extensions, internal, assimilated, objects - not external ones. Thus, losing
control
over a significant other - is equivalent to losing control of a limb, or of
one's brain. It is terrifying.

Independent or disobedient people evoke in the abuser the realization that
something is wrong with his worldview, that he is not the centre of the world or
its cause and that he cannot control what, to him, are internal
representations.

To the abuser, losing control means going insane. Because other people are
mere elements in the abuser's mind - being unable to manipulate them literally
means losing it (his mind). Imagine, if you suddenly were to find out that you
cannot manipulate your memories or control your thoughts ... Nightmarish!

In his frantic efforts to maintain control or re-assert it, the abuser
resorts to a myriad of fiendishly inventive stratagems and mechanisms. Here is a
partial list:

Unpredictability and Uncertainty

The abuser acts unpredictably, capriciously, inconsistently and irrationally.
This serves to render others dependent upon the next twist and turn of the
abuser, his next inexplicable whim, upon his next outburst, denial, or smile.

The abuser makes sure that HE is the only reliable element in the lives of
his nearest and dearest - by shattering the rest of their world through his
seemingly insane behaviour. He perpetuates his stable presence in their lives -
by
destabilizing their own.

TIP

Refuse to accept such behaviour. Demand reasonably predictable and rational
actions and reactions. Insist on respect for your boundaries, predilections,
preferences, and priorities.

Disproportional Reactions

One of the favourite tools of manipulation in the abuser's arsenal is the
disproportionality of his reactions. He reacts with supreme rage to the
slightest
slight. Or he would punish severely for what he perceives to be an offence
against him, no matter how minor. Or, he would throw a temper tantrum over any
discord or disagreement, however gently and considerately expressed. Or, he
would act inordinately attentive, charming and tempting (even over-sexed, if
need
be).

This ever-shifting code of conduct and the unusually harsh and arbitrarily
applied penalties are premeditated. The victims are kept in the dark. Neediness
and dependence on the source of "justice" meted and judgment passed - on the
abuser - are thus guaranteed.

TIP

Demand a just and proportional treatment. Reject or ignore unjust and
capricious behaviour.

If you are up to the inevitable confrontation, react in kind. Let him taste
some of his own medicine.

Dehumanization and Objectification (Abuse)

People have a need to believe in the empathic skills and basic
good-heartedness of others. By dehumanizing and objectifying people - the abuser
attacks the
very foundations human interaction. This is the "alien" aspect of abusers -
they may be excellent imitations of fully formed adults but they are
emotionally absent and immature.

Abuse is so horrid, so repulsive, so phantasmagoric - that people recoil in
terror. It is then, with their defences absolutely down, that they are the most
susceptible and vulnerable to the abuser's control. Physical, psychological,
verbal and sexual abuse are all forms of dehumanization and objectification.

TIP

Never show your abuser that you are afraid of him. Do not negotiate with
bullies. They are insatiable. Do not succumb to blackmail.

If things get rough- disengage, involve law enforcement officers, friends and
colleagues, or threaten him (legally).

Do not keep your abuse a secret. Secrecy is the abuser's weapon.

Never give him a second chance. React with your full arsenal to the first
transgression.

Abuse of Information

From the first moments of an encounter with another person, the abuser is on
the prowl. He collects information. The more he knows about his potential
victim - the better able he is to coerce, manipulate, charm, extort or convert
it
"to the cause". The abuser does not hesitate to misuse the information he
gleaned, regardless of its intimate nature or the circumstances in which he
obtained it. This is a powerful tool in his armory.

TIP

Be guarded. Don't be too forthcoming in a first or casual meeting. Gather
intelligence.

Be yourself. Don't misrepresent your wishes, boundaries, preferences,
priorities, and red lines.

Do not behave inconsistently. Do not go back on your word. Be firm and
resolute.

Impossible Situations

The abuser engineers impossible, dangerous, unpredictable, unprecedented, or
highly specific situations in which he is sorely needed. The abuser makes sure
that his knowledge, his skills, his connections, or his traits are the only
ones applicable and the most useful in the situations that he, himself,
wrought. The abuser generates his own indispensability.

TIP

Stay away from such quagmires. Scrutinize every offer and suggestion, no
matter how innocuous.

Prepare backup plans. Keep others informed of your whereabouts and appraised
of your situation.

Be vigilant and doubting. Do not be gullible and suggestible. Better safe
than sorry.

Control by Proxy

If all else fails, the abuser recruits friends, colleagues, mates, family
members, the authorities, institutions, neighbours, the media, teachers - in
short, third parties - to do his bidding. He uses them to cajole, coerce,
threaten, stalk, offer, retreat, tempt, convince, harass, communicate and
otherwise
manipulate his target. He controls these unaware instruments exactly as he plans
to control his ultimate prey. He employs the same mechanisms and devices. And
he dumps his props unceremoniously when the job is done.

Another form of control by proxy is to engineer situations in which abuse is
inflicted upon another person. Such carefully crafted scenarios of
embarrassment and humiliation provoke social sanctions (condemnation,
opprobrium, or even
physical punishment) against the victim. Society, or a social group become
the instruments of the abuser.

TIP

Often the abuser's proxies are unaware of their role. Expose him. Inform
them. Demonstrate to them how they are being abused, misused, and plain used by
the abuser.

Trap your abuser. Treat him as he treats you. Involve others. Bring it into
the open. Nothing like sunshine to disinfest abuse.

Ambient Abuse

The fostering, propagation and enhancement of an atmosphere of fear,
intimidation, instability, unpredictability and irritation. There are no acts of
traceable explicit abuse, nor any manipulative settings of control. Yet, the
irksome feeling remains, a disagreeable foreboding, a premonition, a bad omen.
This
is sometimes called "gaslighting".

In the long term, such an environment erodes the victim's sense of self-worth
and self-esteem. Self-confidence is shaken badly. Often, the victims adopts a
paranoid or schizoid stance and thus renders himself or herself exposed even
more to criticism and judgment. The roles are thus reversed: the victim is
considered mentally deranged and the abuser - the suffering soul.

TIP

Run! Get away! Ambient abuse often develops to overt and violent abuse.

You don't owe anyone an explanation - but you owe yourself a life. Bail out.




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What's Wrong With My Boundaries?
by Dr. Irene


Boundaries distinguish each individual's "territory," the place where
personal responsibility begins and ends. The self is the the only area over
which an
individual has any control. Angry people and codependent people both have weak
boundaries. They do not control themselves. This is unfortunate. Loss of
boundaries, loss of control, loss of choice, loss of freedom, loss of self...are
a
package deal.

You are personally responsible for everything inside the boundaries that
define "me" from "not me." Everything! You are responsible for your feelings,
your
values, your behavior, your thoughts, choices, insights, beliefs, limits -
everything! That is fortunate. Why wouldn't you want to have control? Would you
trust someone else to raise your children? To choose your wardrobe, your
furnishings, or your mate? To run your business, your home, or your marriage?

Because you set the limits, you are personally responsible for protecting
yourself. Your duty to yourself and to your Maker is to take care of yourself
and
not allow others to trespass. This includes cultivating your ability to say
"no," to others even if your actions disappoint them or hurt them. The good
news is that since you are responsible for yourself, other adults are
responsible
for themselves. Always! They have to deal with your limits. You have to deal
with theirs. People have a real hard time with this concept.

Common Boundary Questions

  Isn't it my responsibility to make my partner happy?
  Isn't it selfish to set limits with others?
  How can I set limits and still be a "good" person?
  Why do I feel guilty when I try to set limits?
  Sometimes I know what's best for my partner. Isn't it my job to care for
them?

Lets take them in order:

Isn't it my responsibility to make my partner happy? No. Not only isn't it
your responsibility to "make" another happy (or miserable, or anything else),
but you simply can't do it. You don't have that kind of power. (Unless, of
course, your partner gives it to you.)

Go out of your way to treat your partner well! Knock yourself out...do all
sorts of wonderful things! However, despite what you do, you are only
responsible for your own feelings. Your duty to yourself is to be aware of your
own
motivation and expectations, your delivery, how you feel, and everything else
about your actions. Your partner's reaction to you is your partner's
responsibility. Even if they try to pin their reaction on your actions, their
reaction is
their responsibility. Period. End of story. For example, a verbally abusive
husband who spends much of his time trying to create a safe environment for
himself by controlling his wife (and treating her poorly in the process) is not
responsible for his wife's feelings. She is. She lets him violate her
boundaries.
Now the pair can continue their mutual boundary violation ad nauseum: he can
blame her for his woes and she can guilt him for hers. And on and on the story
goes...

In reality however, the abusive husband ultimately answers only to himself
and to his Maker. The usual price is the loss of self, the loss of inner peace,
symptoms, etc. The wife, who discounts her feelings and makes excuses for her
husband's mis-behaviors, is also responsible to herself and her Maker. She
pays much the same price for selling out.

With or without self-awareness, each person has chosen to put themselves in
the position they are in. When the angry husband is mad that his "ungrateful"
wife did not react to his kind efforts as per his expectations, that is his
problem. If his wife allows him to make it her problems, that is her problem.
This co-dependent relationship style really complicates matters. According to
these assumptions, the couple might seek marital counseling so the wife can
learn
to be appreciative of her husband's kind acts. There is an assumption that
there is something wrong with her for being unappreciative.

Each person is obligated to live up to their partner's expectations - for
their partner's emotional well being. This is analogous to Jean asking Paul to
do
her laundry and Paul asking Jean to do his. Paul has to remember that her
pure cottons never go in the dryer and get lightly starched. Jean has to
remember
that Paul's dress slacks only get dry cleaned. Will she get mad if he missed
a pure cotton? Will she think he messed it up on purpose? Did he? Does she get
back at him by throwing a silk tie into the washer? Yuk, yuk, yuk!  Does this
make any sense? Wouldn't it be much easier if each person simply did their
own laundry?

Isn't it selfish to set limits? No, no, no. In fact, it is destructive not to
set limits. Who will take care of you if you don't? Who knows more about what
you need, or don't need, than you do? It is unfortunate that the word
"selfish" has such a bad connotation. Perhaps we need to think in terms of
"selfcaring." Then we may more appropriately ask, "Isn't it self caring to set
limits?"
You bet!

How can I set limits and still be a "good" person? How can you not? By the
way, what is a "good" person? (The word I prefer is "integrity.") How do you
feel when you've been sooo good, that you  have been taken advantage of? Do you
hide your angry, resentful feelings, smile and pretend - often even to yourself
- that all is OK? Or, do you let your anger out on the next poor soul who
crosses your path? How can you possibly feel good about yourself if you carry so
much luggage?

Why do I feel guilty when I try to set limits. Because you are well-trained
to believe that it is your responsibility not to disappoint others, to please,
protect, "make" them like you, etc. There are cognitive techniques that can
effectively help stamp out irrational guilt.

Not all guilt is irrational. Each situation needs to be examined. What is the
individual's underlying motivation? An example is the jealous, insecure
husband who did not want his pretty wife attracting male attention in his flashy
convertible. He "set limits" on her use of his car despite his not needing it
and despite her responsible driving record. Since he was trying to control, he
has every reason to feel guilty (assuming Mr. Ego would ever admit it).

Sometimes I know what's best for my partner. Isn't it my job to care for
them? Absolutely not! Care about your partner; do not care for them. Big
difference! They have the right to make their own choices, including choices
that you
believe are wrong. You may state your opinion once, even twice. Then you need
to drop it. Stop trying to control them, fix them, guide them. Spend your
energy controlling yourself, including learning to tolerate your partner's
choices.
You don't have to agree with your partner's position. You do have to respect
it.

Roger's Rotten Boundaries

Controlling Roger was dating Stephanie, a codependent lady who was crazy
about him. One of Roger's numerous and ever increasing complaints about her had
to
do with her hairstyle. Roger found it dull. Eager to please, Stephanie let
Roger choose a new cut and color for her. Stephanie's hair was more important to
Roger than it was to Stephanie - since Roger saw Stephanie as a reflection of
himself. One day Roger took Stephanie to a function where she met many of his
friends. Although Stephanie was lovely and well-coiffed, Roger felt
embarrassed that she was not more beautiful, stylish, outgoing and social. Roger
thought Stephanie made him look bad! He felt diminished in his friend's eyes and
angry at Stephanie.

Here is where Roger's boundaries failed:  He does not like Stephanie's
reserved style - and wants to change it. (He's allowed not to like it and even
let
her know that. Nevertheless, Stephanie's style is Stephanie's business despite
her active participation in making it Roger's business.)
  He makes a host of unfounded assumptions he places on himself and others.
(Irrational thinking, Rog.)
  He feels better about himself when he thinks his friends are impressed. (Who
cares what they think! Roger, what do you think?)


Roger would serve himself better by concerning himself with his own issues.
Specifically what bothers him in his relationship with Stephanie? (Guaranteed
it has little to do with hair and personal style.)
  What is his motivation in dating Stephanie?
  What are his thoughts and feelings?
  Is he in control of their expression?


Later, Roger began recognizing some stuff:

That Stephanie was not right for him - and why she was not. Although Roger
knew it all along, he did not trust his feelings and could not put them in
perspective. He confused himself, mixing up legitimate inner impulses with
defensive inconsequentials (such as her hair), and giving all equal weight!

He is slowly recognizing that what really bothered him about Stephanie was
her lack of boundaries, i.e., her inability to recognize her limits and stick to
them - no matter what (as in "True to thyne own self"). He simply didn't
trust her. And, his mistrust was not unfounded. How could he trust an individual
who sells out? Despite her best intentions, her position on any given issue may
change anytime! There is little basis for emotional trust, despite the fact
that she is a trustworthy individual.

As Roger's boundaries firm up, he can begin to remove blame he puts on
himself - blame that does not belong to him. Specifically, he can dump his
notion
that there is something wrong with him for being unable to love a great gal (she
is) who (still) adores him. Yes, there is "something wrong," but it is not
what he thought, and its not all about him.

Roger continues to work on self-awareness and self-control. He's much better
at self-acceptance these days. No longer needing to kick himself as much as he
used to for having thoughts and feelings he hates (he can own his negative
stuff!), he opened the door to his inner-self. As his inner impulses become more
and more accessible, he can begin to know.

Roger: never forget that trust is the cornerstone of love. You never really
were that far off base with Stephanie - or with mom - were you? But, trust
really resides in the self...

As you take charge of yourself, you no longer rely on others for emotional
"trustability." It doesn't matter what anyone tries to dump on you. You simply
don't take it.

As your boundaries develop, other people's boundaries no longer matter...




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Why Is It Always About You? : The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism
by Sandy Hotchkiss

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0743214285/templeofwisdo-20


Editorial Reviews

The Hartford Courant A how-to not only for disengaging yourself from the
narcissists in your life but also learning to live with them. Drew Pinksy, M.D.
A
practical and accessible book about one of the most prevalent personality
disorders of our time. Jerold J. Kreisman, M.D. coauthor of I Hate You -- Don't
Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality. People who experience
narcissism in themselves or in others now have a guide to help them steer
through
the storm.


Book Description

In this groundbreaking book -- the first popular book on narcissism in more
than a decade -- clinical social worker and psychotherapist Sandy Hotchkiss
shows you how to cope with controlling, egotistical people who are incapable of
the fundamental give-and-take that sustains healthy relationships. Exploring
how individuals come to have this shortcoming, why you get drawn into their
perilous orbit, and what you can do to break free, Hotchkiss describes the
"Seven
Deadly Sins of Narcissism" and their origins. You will learn to recognize
these hallmarks of unhealthy narcissism -- Shamelessness, Magical Thinking,
Arrogance, Envy, Entitlement, Exploitation, Bad Boundaries -- and to understand
the
roles that parenting and culture play in their creation.

Whether the narcissist in question is a coworker, spouse, parent, or child,
Why Is It Always About You? provides abundant practical advice for anyone
struggling to break narcissism's insidious spread to the next generation, and
for
anyone who encounters narcissists in everyday life.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--

Customers who bought this book also bought:

The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship
in Work, Love, and Family by Eleanor Payson, Eleanor D. Payson (Rate it)
Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and
Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward, Donna Frazier (Rate it)
Trapped in the Mirror by Elan Golomb (Rate it)
Narcissism by Alexander Lowen (Rate it)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--

Reader Reviews:

Finally an answer, June 9, 2003
Reviewer:    A reader
Ms. Hotchkiss's insight into Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) finally
gave a voice to what I have been thinking for many years. After attracting
narcissists of varying degrees into my life, I always found myself in the end
either in complete disbelief at the behaviour I had encountered and tolerated,
or
believing there was something deeply wrong with me. When I began reading "The
Seven Deadly Sins" as she puts it which outline some of the major personality
flaws of those affected by NPD, I just wanted to shout out "Yes!, Yes!, this
makes it all clear!". While this book primarily focuses on how to identify
NPDs, it does provide some insight as to why you may be the personality type
that
attracts these damaged people into your life and how to manage them. Ms.
Hotchkiss writes with, and I certainly believe that she has, empathy for those
troubled with NPD, however, she also is very firm in that they most often do not
change, and in order to save yourself from a lifetime of being used and
emotionally sucked dry, you have to distance yourself. This may not be the most
in
depth writing on the subject but, for those of you like me who know in your
heart that there is something wrong with someone in your life, this book can be
a
real eye opener, give voice to what you know is there, and set you on a road
to recovery. Highly recommend. --


A life changer, May 16, 2004
Reviewer: A reader
I had reached rock-bottom when a friend recommended this book to me: I found
myself on my knees, begging my husband not to be angry at me. This book had
everything I needed to pull myself out of the gutter: clarity, insight,
intelligence, and page after page of perfect descriptions of what I had been
living
with for many years. Then came strong, simple advice on how to live a sane life.
The descriptions helped me let go of my fantasy that he could change; the
advice helped me turn my own path into one of optimism and strength. Thank you,
SH.


Why is it Always about you, May 28, 2003
Reviewer: Kathy H. "special-kah" (Runnemede, NJ United States) - See all my
reviews
This book help me more than any theraphy could have helped me. If you want
validation for the difficult people (Personality disorder) you have to deal
with, this is the book. It describes Narcissism for what it is. Narcissist prey
on
those who have been shamed, so they can take on their disowned shame that
their ego can not tolerate. Most of us are walking around with projections that
don't even belong to us, they belong to them!!!!!! Best book on the subject.
Best line in the book is - Narcissism breeds a new narcissist generation-- as
well as people who seem to be magnets for this personality type.




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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Accepting Personal Responsibility

Content:

What is accepting personal responsibility?
How can failing to accept personal responsibility result in negative
consequences?
What do people believe who have not accepted personal responsibility?
What terms are used to describe those who have not accepted personal
responsibility?
What behavior traits need to be developed in order to accept personal
responsibility?
What are the steps in accepting personal responsibility?


What is accepting personal responsibility?

Accepting personal responsibility includes:

Acknowledging that you are solely responsible for the choices in your life.

Accepting that you are responsible for what you choose to feel or think.

Accepting that you choose the direction for your life.

Accepting that you cannot blame others for the choices you have made.

Tearing down the mask of defense or rationale for why others are responsible
for who you are, what has happened to you, and what you are bound to become.

The rational belief that you are responsible for determining who your are,
and how your choices affect your life.

Pointing the finger of responsibility back to yourself and away from others
when you are discussing the consequences of your actions.

Realizing that you determine your feelings about any events or actions
addressed to you, no matter how negative they seem.

Recognizing that you are your best cheerleader; it is not reasonable or
healthy for you to depend on others to make you feel good about yourself.

Recognizing that as you enter adulthood and maturity, you determine how your
self-esteem will develop.

Not feeling sorry for the ``bum deal'' you have been handed but taking hold
of your life and giving it direction and reason.

Letting go of your sense of over responsibility for others.

Protecting and nurturing your health and emotional well being.

Taking preventive health oriented steps of structuring your life with time
management, stress management, confronting fears, and burnout prevention.

Taking an honest inventory of your strengths, abilities, talents, virtues,
and positive points.

Developing positive, self-affirming, self-talk scripts to enhance your
personal development and growth.

Letting go of blame and anger toward those in your past who did the best they
could, given the limitations of their knowledge, background, and awareness.

Working out anger, hostility, pessimism, and depression over past hurts,
pains, abuse, mistreatment, and misdirection.



How can failing to accept personal responsibility result in negative
consequences?

When you have not accepted personal responsibility, you can run the risk of
becoming:

Overly dependent on others for recognition, approval, affirmation, and
acceptance.

Chronically hostile, angry, or depressed over how unfairly you have been or
are being treated.

Fearful about ever taking a risk or making a decision.

Overwhelmed by disabling fears.

Unsuccessful at the enterprises you take on in life.

Unsuccessful in personal relationships.

Emotionally or physically unhealthy.

Addicted to unhealthy substances, such as the abuse of alcohol, drugs, food,
or unhealthy behavior such as excessive gambling, shopping, sex, smoking,
work, etc.

Over responsible and guilt ridden in your need to rescue and enable others in
your life.

Unable to develop trust or to feel secure with others.

Resistant to vulnerability.



What do people believe who have not accepted personal responsibility?

It's not my fault I am the way I am.

I never asked to be born.

Now that you have me, what are you going to do with me?

I want you to fix me.

Life is unfair! There is no sense in trying to take control of my life.

Why go on; I see no use in it.

You can't help me, nobody can help me. I'm useless and a failure.

God has asked too much of me this time. There is no way I'll ever be able to
handle this.

When do the troubles and problems cease? I'm tired of all this.

Stop the world; I want to get off.

Life is so depressing. If only I had better luck and had been born to a
healthier family, or attended a better school, or gotten a better job, etc.

How can you say I am responsible for what happens to me in the future? There
is fate, luck, politics, abuse, greed, envy, wicked and jealous people, and
other negative influences that have a greater bearing on my future than I have.

How can I ever be happy, seeing how bad my life has been?

My parents made me what I am today!

The problems in my family have influenced who I am and what I will be; there
is nothing I can do to change that.

Racism, bigotry, prejudice, sexism, ageism, abuse, and closed mindedness all
stand in the way of my becoming what I really want to be.

No matter how hard I work, I will never get ahead.

You have to accept the luck of the draw.

I am who I am; there is no changing me.

No one is going to call me crazy, depressed, or troubled and then try to
change me.



What terms are used to describe those who have not accepted personal
responsibility?

martyrs. self-pitying, depressed, losers, quitters,  chronically angry,
dependent personalities, complainers, addictive personalities, blamers,
stubborn,
persons in denial, troubled people, stuck, fearful, pessimists, despondent,
mentally unstable, obstinate, hostile, aggressive, irresponsible, weak, guilt
ridden, resistant to help, passive, irrational, insecure, neurotic, obsessed,
lost



What behavior traits need to be developed in order to accept personal
responsibility?


In order to accept personal responsibility you need to develop the ability
to:

Seek out and to accept help for yourself.

Be open to new ideas or concepts about life and the human condition.

Refute irrational beliefs and overcome fears.

Affirm yourself positively.

Recognize that you are the sole determinant of the choices you make.

Recognize that you choose your responses to the people, actions, and events
in your life.

Let go of anger, fear, blame, mistrust, and insecurity.

Take risks and to become vulnerable to change and growth in your life.

Take off the masks of behavior characteristics behind which you hide low
self-esteem.

Reorganize your priorities and goals.

Realize that you are the party in charge of the direction your life takes.



What are the steps in accepting personal responsibility?

Step 1:   To decide if you are having problems accepting personal
responsibility, answer the following questions in your journal:

a.    How frequently do you claim that others have determined what you are
today?

b.   How easy is it to accept that you are responsible for your choices in
life?

c.    How easy it is to believe that you determine the direction your life
takes?

d.   How easy is it to blame others for where you are today?

e.    What masks do you hide behind to avoid accepting personal
responsibility?

f.    How rational are you in dealing with the part you played in being who
you are today?

g.    How easy is it to accept blame or admit mistakes?

h.    How easy is it to accept that you determine your feelings when negative
events occur?

i.     How easy is it to depend solely on yourself for acceptance,
affirmation, and approval?

j.    How willing are you to be the sole determinant of the health of your
self-esteem?

k.   How frequently do you feel sorry for yourself?

l.     How easy is it to let go of guilt if you stop rescuing those in your
life?

m.   How willingly do you take preventive steps to ensure your physical and
emotional health?

n.    How successfully have you practiced self-affirmation in your life?

o.   How successfully have you practiced anger work out and letting go in
order to get on with your life?


Step 2:   Rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 5 as to the level of personal
responsibility you have accepted in each of the following areas: (Use the
following scale as you write in your journal.)

1 =  always irresponsible

2 =  usually irresponsible

3 = irresponsibility balanced out with responsibility (neutral)

4 =  usually responsible

5 =  always responsible


Rating Area in Life:

___         a. aking the preventive and maintenance measures to ensure
physical health

___         b. Taking the preventive and maintenance measures to ensure
emotional health

___         c. Controlling weight and over-eating

___         d. Stopping smoking, excessive drinking, and drug abuse.

___         e. Controlling excessive gambling, shopping, and sexual behavior

___         f. Controlling workaholism

___         g.  Taking the preventive, and maintenance measures to ensure
healthy relationships

___         h.  Taking the necessary steps to overcome my current problems
and troubles

___         i. Taking the necessary steps to protect myself from being
victimized by my rescuing and enabling of others

___         j.  Managing my time, managing the stress in my life, overcoming
my fears, and preventing burnout in my life

Score:     A rating of 3 or less in any of the areas indicates a need to
accept personal responsibility.


Step 3:   Identify your beliefs that prevent acceptance of responsibility for
yourself. Develop new, rational, replacement beliefs to help you accept
responsibility for yourself.


Step 4:   You are now ready to develop a plan of action. For each area of
your life, identify that tools you will use to accept personal responsibility.
The following Tools for Coping tools are available to help you determine your
action plan:


The Tools for Coping Tool Box: Handling Irrational Beliefs


Self-Affirmations
http://www.coping.org/growth/affirm.htm


Handling Guilt
http://www.coping.org/growth/guilt.htm


Building Trust
http://www.coping.org/growth/trust.htm


Handling Insecurity
http://www.coping.org/growth/security.htm


Becoming Vulnerable
http://www.coping.org/growth/vulner.htm


Overcoming Fears
http://www.coping.org/growth/fears.htm


On Becoming a Risk Taker
http://www.coping.org/growth/risk.htm


Spirituality
http://www.coping.org/growth/spirit.htm


Time Management
*No link found on this page.


Stress Reduction
http://www.coping.org/growth/stress.htm


Preventing Burnout
*No link found on this page.


Overcoming Perfectionism
http://www.coping.org/growth/perfect.htm


*Write your plan of action in your journal. Date and sign it. You are now
ready to begin accepting personal responsibility.


Step 5:  If you still have trouble in accepting responsibility for yourself,
return to Step 1 and begin again.






I am sure it is a great mistake always to know enough to go in when it rains.

One may keep snug and dry by such knowledge,
but one misses a world of loveliness.
-  Adeline Knapp


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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Awakening With The Enemy
by Mark Dillof

"Life is a hospital in which all of the patients are continually
trying to change beds."   -- Baudelaire

When we are alone we might feel tormented by the emptiness of our
existence. We are saddened by life's loneliness, and are driven by an
emotional hunger. We feel unreal. We suspect that something is
missing from life, and we believe that our hunger will be satisfied
by inviting another person into our life, so we enter into a
relationship.

How ironic existence is! We are no longer lonely, but now we are
plagued by disagreements, beset by responsibilities. As if this isn't
enough, we must deal with our spouse's family. The gods have played a
joke on us. The negative dimension of our life, which we experience
as suffering, is equivalent to what it was prior to the relationship,
even though our present problems are different from our former ones.

The effort to eradicate our difficulties merely serves to change the
nature of them. This phenomenon operates in all dimensions of human
existence, not just in relationships. If we are anxious, we seek a
secure life. If we are secure, we are soon bored. Without funds, we
feel the sting of poverty, but if we get rich, we suspect that people
like us only for our money.

This phenomenon has been noted by thinkers throughout the ages. In
ancient Greece, Epictetus inquired: "What is it about life that there
is always something missing?" Mark Twain observed: "Life is one damn
thing after another." The German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer said
there is a void in each of us which must be filled with suffering.
Solving one problem thus causes a new one to take its place.
Sometimes a big problem will be replaced by several small ones.

We call this phenomenon, in which the negative dimension of life is
present both before and after we make changes, the Conservation of
Suffering. We use the word "conservation" because physicists use the
phrase, "conservation of energy, or of matter" to indicate that
matter or energy can be neither created nor destroyed. Only the form
of energy or matter changes. The same is true of suffering.

Erotic love appears as an antidote to the lack that we experience
about our life. It promises to end our suffering. It fails to do so,
but serves as a catalyst to transform our suffering into new forms.
Similarly, in changing from one romantic attachment to another, our
suffering is transformed. For example, a man's wife may be a serious,
mature woman, but then he finds himself bored by her. He divorces her
and marries an immature, irresponsible "baby" who cannot even balance
the checkbook. Feeling burdened by her, he sees that the nature of
his suffering has changed, but the quantity of his suffering has
remained constant.

We see how the negative undergoes transmutation, yet is conserved. By
grasping this principle, we are not deceived into thinking that a new
type of relationship will free us from suffering. When we turn away
from the hope deriving from superficial change, our lives can be
transformed.

What is the origin of this dreadful -- but monstrously elegant and
divinely comical -- Conservation of Suffering phenomenon? Its origin
is our ignorance that the criteria of what it means to be -- physical
existence, recognition, infinitude, and identity -- are antinomic.
(An antinomy is a contradiction that cannot be resolved by dropping
any of the terms and, therefore, cannot be avoided.) Our ignorance
gives us hope and drives us to seek new variations of the same
solution, the same contradictory answer to the question of how to be.
We wander for years through life's maze of false solutions, until our
time finally runs out. This has been the fate of countless people. We
are deluding ourselves if we think that, in spite of maintaining our
ignorance, we shall be an exception.

The only way to escape from the maze is to uncover, not only the
special characteristics of our own particular answer, but the hidden
question to which our life is an answer. Seeing the antinomic nature
of what we seek releases us from the conservation of suffering. This
release is akin to awakening from a long dream.

Waking up Together
"Life is a dream." - Calderon de Ca Barca

The togetherness that we desire in a relationship is founded
on "sleeping together". The phrase is appropriate because the couple
sinks into an unconscious "dance" or interaction. "Dreaming together"
more accurately describes this interaction. Before long, our sleep is
disturbed as the dream that initially seemed appealing becomes
increasingly darkened by shadows. The relationship is not working.
Conflicts have emerged.

When we first analyze relationship conflicts, it seems that if each
person would try to be more reasonable, the problems could be solved.
However, even if people try valiantly to solve their problems,
negativities inevitably persist. It is like fighting a hydra-headed
monster: cutting off one head causes new ones to appear in its place.
Similarly, solving one problem invariably causes new problems to
appear. We are dealing with something more formidable than we had
initially imagined.

If our analysis penetrates to the core of our conflict, we see that
it is not fundamentally due to clashing personalities. It has a more
universal origin -- the contradictions, or antinomies, inherent in
the masculine and feminine visions of life. Some writers on the
subject of relationship problems would seem to agree with what we are
stating, up to a point. They recommend that we understand how the
opposite sex feels and thinks, but then they suggest that by doing so
we can accommodate our partner's needs. Obviously, if this popular
advice really worked the incidence of broken hearts and broken homes
would show signs of decreasing, but the divorce rate keeps rising;
the war of the sexes rages on just as fiercely as ever.

Accommodation fails to take into account the antinomic nature of the
effort to be, the contradictions of the masculine and feminine
visions of life. Even if we give our partner exactly what he or she
claims to want, at any given time, our partner will now be
dissatisfied for opposite reasons. This is because we are beings with
antinomic desires; consequently we want opposite things -- for
example, to be given direction, but also to be treated as independent
and we demand both from our partner at the same time.

Perceiving the impossible leads to disenchantment, but this step is
requisite for awakening. It is possible for two people to awaken
together. Doing so, they will be infinitely closer than when they
merely slept together.

We have much more to say about "waking up" but we must add a caveat.
To wake up requires more than intellectual knowledge. Abstract
knowledge that our efforts are impossible is insufficient to rouse us
from sleep. The antinomy must be experienced in our bones. This
requires insight into our own experience and that of other people.
Then perhaps lightning will flash, the heart will perceive its own
inner landscape, and we shall be free.

Notes:
1. Erotic love is love based on lack. It is what makes opposites
attract, since we love what we lack. This is the type of love that
people refer to when they speak of falling in love or of romance.
Common parlance mistakenly takes "erotic" to mean sexual.
2. The word "being" is a synonym for "real". When we use the
phrase "to be", italicized in this fashion, it is an abbreviation of
to be real or to be a real self.

This article is excerpted from the book Awakening with the Enemy: The
Origin and End of Male/Female Conflict, © 2000, by Mark Dillof.
Reprinted with permission of the publisher, Philosophy Clinic Press.
www.thephilosophyclinic.com

About The Author:
Mark Dillof, M.A., founded The Philosophy Clinic which offers
counseling to people in search of deeper questions. It also offers
workshops and retreats on a variety of mind-expanding topics.
Workshops focus on illuminating the profound meaning of everyday
interests and activities in such areas as relationships, career and
work, and eating for full-fillment. For more information about Mark
Dillof's counseling and The Philosophy Clinic's workshops go to the
website: www.thephilosophyclinic.com  or e-mail Mark at:
mdillof@...

"As long as we believe that we have to have the other in our life to
be happy, we are really just an addict trying to protect our supply -
using another person as our drug of choice.  That is not True Love -
nor is it Loving."

Romantic Relationships
This dance of Codependence is a dance of dysfunctional relationships -
of relationships that do not work to meet our needs. That does not
mean just romantic relationships, or family relationships, or even
human relationships in general.
The fact that dysfunction exists in our romantic, family, and human
relationships is a symptom of the dysfunction that exists in our
relationship with life - with being human.  It is a symptom of the
dysfunction which exists in our relationships with ourselves as human
beings.

And the dysfunction that exists in our relationship with ourselves is
a symptom of Spiritual dis-ease, of not being in balance and harmony
with the universe, of feeling disconnected from our Spiritual source.

That is why it is so important to enlarge our perspective.  To look
beyond the romantic relationship in which we are having problems.  To
look beyond the dysfunction that exists in our relationships with
other people.

The more we enlarge our perspective, the closer we get to the cause
instead of just dealing with the symptoms.  For example, the more we
look at the dysfunction in our relationship with ourselves as human
beings the more we can understand the dysfunction in our romantic
relationships.

(Text in this color is used for quotes from Codependence: The Dance
of Wounded Souls by Robert Burney)
"As long as we believe that we have to have the other in our life to
be happy, we are really just an addict trying to protect our supply -
using another person as our drug of choice.  That is not True Love -
nor is it Loving."

http://www.joy2meu.com/Relationship.html

Dance of the Wounded Souls: Author Website

  http://www.joy2meu.com/


I am sure it is a great mistake always to know enough to go in when it rains.

One may keep snug and dry by such knowledge,
but one misses a world of loveliness.
-  Adeline Knapp


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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

You may instinctually be gentle with others when they are in pain or need
comfort. Yet, when it comes to yourself, you may be at a complete loss of how to
be gentle with yourself. You may feel completely undeserving of gentleness and
compassion. Tell yourself, whether you truly believe it or not, that you
deserve compassion. You have been through far too much pain and suffering
already.
You  deserve to have only gentleness and love from here on in. Repeat this to
yourself often throughout the course of each day, eventually you will come to
believe those words. Below is a list of gentle things you can do for yourself
to help you through your pain:  

     Accept where you are in your process.

This means affirming to yourself: "I am in pain right now. There are many
things that have wounded me deeply. These wounds have not yet healed; it is okay
to feel this pain. Getting in touch with my pain, feeling it, and sitting with
it for a time is what will lead me to heal. I will be okay, even though I may
not feel like I am okay right now: I will be okay."
 

     Allow yourself to feel that pain.

Don't run away from your pain or try to cover it up with other issues and
addictions. Connect with the hurting inside yourself. Remember that you must
walk
through the pain in order to truly heal. You will get to the other side. You
will survive: you will thrive!

 
     Quiet the critic in your head.

Tell the critical voice inside yourself that you have heard enough from it.
Teach it to respect you. Tell your critical voice that you will no longer
listen to its hurtful messages. Tell it that you will only be listening to the
soft
loving voice of your heart instead. Then connect with the voice in your
heart. What does it tell you about your pain? What things does it suggest you
do?
In what direction does your heart guide you? Does it tell you to honor your
process? Does it tell you to be true to your inner feelings and spend time with
them? Does it tell you to give yourself a break from them by taking a peaceful
walk or listening to music?

 
     Cry-it soothes the pain.

Just curl up in a comfortable spot and cry your heart out. You most likely
have a lot of tears in you that have never been cried. Now that the dam of
anorexia is no longer blocking your tears, you are free to cry them. Crying
ensures
that your spirit does not drown; crying can begin to set you free.

 
     Cuddle with a soft teddy bear.

No one is ever too old for the comfort offered by a plush stuffed animal. If
you don't have one, go to a store and look for one that looks friendly and
loving. A stuffed animal can be especially comforting if your pain of the moment
is related to your childhood. Even if your pain is connected solidly to the
present, the stuffed animal can help you to feel safe and comforted. Remind
yourself that you deserve tenderness and comfort.

 
     Call someone who will be gentle with you and talk to them.

Call your therapist or a close friend --- someone who will listen without
judging you, someone you can say just about anything to. Call someone who can
hear your cracking, crying voice and soothe you. Talk with someone who can
reassure you that it really will be okay again. Let them provide reassurance
that
you can and will get through this.  Sometimes pain can be opaque and we cannot
see the brighter skies that lie ahead. It helps to have someone who can see
those bright skies and assure you that they are there.

 
     Go outside and take a walk.

Smell the flowers, listen to the sweet sound of the singing birds. Lift your
face to the sun, close your eyes and feel it warm your face. If it is
wintertime, notice how the sun sparkles on the blanket of soft white snow
covering the
earth. Feel the crisp air as it touches your skin. Go to a park and watch
children sledding on the snow or skating on the ice. Remind yourself that there
is a world beyond your pain; that you will not get lost forever in its depths
--- you will resurface.

 
     Buy yourself a card.

Go into any card or gift shop and look for a card under the section entitled
encouragement. Read each card in this section and choose the one that offers
you the most hope and comfort. Choose the one inscribed with the message that
you like best. Bring it home with you and read it often. Keep it with you
wherever you go, so that you may pull it out at a moment's notice and read its
tender words.

 
     Buy yourself flowers.

Choose or create an arrangement that makes you feel peaceful inside, one that
has all of your favorite flowers and colors. Bring it home and put it where
you can see it all day. Smell the flowers often. Touch the soft petals and
admire them. They are beautiful  --- just like you.

 
     Play music that soothes your aching heart.

Perhaps it is soft tender music that makes you feel calm and relaxed. Maybe
it is music that helps you to cry so that you may begin to release some of your
pain. Perhaps it is lively music that lifts you slightly and helps you attain
a new perspective.

 
     Have someone you trust make a tape for you.

This person could be your therapist or a close friend. The tape could be a
relaxation tape with exercises for you to do, or it could simply be their voice
encouraging you, and offering you support and hope. Listen to the tape
whenever you feel sad and alone. Listen to it whenever you need comfort. Listen
to it
as often and as many times as you need to.

 
     Keep a picture of someone who is important to you and who cares about
you.

Look at the picture and remind yourself that this person cares about you and
how you are doing. Keep it with you so that you can look at it whenever you
like. Sometimes a picture can help you to feel as though that person is there
with you in your pain. It can help you feel less alone in the world.

 
     Write down a list of nice or comforting things people have said to you.

Keep adding to this list and keep it in a place where you can read it often.
Sometimes writing down the exact words people have said will help you remember
the sound of their voice when they said it to you. Many times this vivid
memory will bring you the same kind of comfort you felt when it was said to you.

 
     Have your therapist or one of your friends write something to you that
will give you hope.

Something that will tell you that you are not alone, and that you are cared
about. Seek solace in these written words whenever you need to.

 
     Go somewhere where you can just scream.

Sometimes certain kinds of pain can make you feel like screaming. Go ahead.
If your pain is begging you to scream it out, then when alone scream in the
woods, in your house, or in your car with the music turned up. Let it out ---
it's okay.


    Go to a glass recycling plant and break bottles.

Many glass recycling plants will allow you to do this. You can throw bottles
against a wall and yell while you smash them. Sometimes shouting eases the
heartache. You may choose to do this by yourself or you may choose to bring a
friend along with you. If you are with a friend, the two of you can yell
together
and support each other.

 
     Find a sound that expresses your pain.

What does your pain sound like? Perhaps it is a sobbing, a wild scream, a
throaty yell, a long agonizing wail, or all of these. Do you feel like dropping
to your knees, throwing your head back and wailing up to the sky? Then do it.
It's ok to find creative ways of expressing your pain. Let your pain emerge
from your body, whatever sound comes to you naturally --- let it out.

 
     Seek solace in your own artistic expression.

Use paints, pastel chalk, crayons, or markers to draw pictures or designs
that convey how you feel. Perhaps it will be a mix of colors that symbolize your
emotions. Many people use red to express anger and rage, and black to express
hopelessness and despair. Certain shades of blue might be used to convey
sadness. Which colors are you using? What do they mean to you? Perhaps you would
like to bring your work into therapy to talk about what each color symbolizes
for you and what you were thinking and feeling as you created this particular
piece.

 
     Write a poem that describes your feelings at the moment.

Compose a poem that in some way addresses the memories or experiences that
cause you this pain. You may choose to share it with a friend, loved one or your
therapist, or you may choose to keep it for yourself.

 
     Confide in the pages of your journal.

Pour your heart out into its pages. Bear your soul. Write about the things
that torment your being.  Let your thoughts and feelings flow from the end of
your pen and form into expressive words. Sometimes writing about your thoughts
and feelings can provide you with tremendous relief. Many people find that they
can write things that they cannot say. Maybe you would like to share your
writing with someone close to you. Perhaps you would like to bring it into
therapy with you. Sometimes it helps to feel as though at least one other person
in
the world knows how you are feeling.

 
     Risk --- try telling another person how you feel while you are feeling
that way.

Share your secrets, your heartache, and your shame with a safe person in a
safe environment,  perhaps in therapy. It is truly an amazing experience to
share your inner most self with someone and find out that they will not walk a
way
from you. It can be a frightening thing to do, but the rewards can be
incredible, too. Perhaps you would like to try.

 
     Think about how your friends cope with pain.

Is there anyone who does something especially kind for him/herself when s/he
is hurting? Would you like to try doing that particular thing for yourself?
Add ideas to this list as you go along, don't be afraid to try new things.
Sometimes taking risks and trying new things, although scary, can be a gentle
act
of self-care.

Perhaps you have obligations that you must meet, which prevent you from
allowing yourself to fully experience your feelings. Promise your heart that you
will attend to it later. Imagine wrapping it in a soft, warm blanket to keep it
safe and comfortable until you are able to come back, and spend time with it
while tenderly attending to its wounds.Remember pain requires time in order to
heal. Some pain requires more healing time than others. Promise yourself that
you will walk through it no matter how long it takes. There is light at the
end of the path; there is wellness. Pain is an inevitable part of living and
loving in this world. Remember that all pain is legitimate and has a purpose. So
many times we do not feel entitled to our pain and feelings. Not feeling
entitled leads us to push them away, reject them, or bury them. You are entitled
to
all of your feelings; embrace them. They are what make you whole.

Something to hold on to:

As you walk the road to recovery you may find yourself getting tired. At
times your life may feel too difficult. I wish it was possible to make the
landscape of your life brighter, smoother, and filled with more flowers. If I
could
make the terrain you walk on gentler, I would in a moment. You are a beautiful
soul who does not deserve to be in such agony. You deserve to have all the
glistening things in life. Hold on to the fact that there is light, even when
you
cannot see it.  Hold on to the fact that it is possible to lead a full life,
even though your own may feel empty at this moment. Not knowing what to do at
times, and struggling and trying to figure out what to do is the very thing
that will lead you to freedom.

If you look inside your heart, really look, you will see a beautiful person
with a kind and gentle soul. You will see a person who needs comfort, a person
who needs you. As you search around in your heart, you will find the warrior
spirit and courage that you need to win this battle. You will find the courage
to face your demons and triumph over them. You will walk through your pain.
Remember that you bless this world and make it a more beautiful place to live
in.These are things you must tuck away and remember from time to time when the
pain feels too unbearable. It is possible to have hope and soul shattering pain
at the same time. Keep fighting and never give up. You are too valuable, too
special. Know that you are not alone:  there are other warrior sisters who are
walking with you in spirit.

1997 by Monika H. Ostroff




I am sure it is a great mistake always to know enough to go in when it rains.

One may keep snug and dry by such knowledge,
but one misses a world of loveliness.
-  Adeline Knapp


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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Hey everyone, I got this literature at a f2f meeting and think it's
worth sharing...

Codependent's Rights in Recovery

Sharon Wegscheider, author of CHOICEMAKING, believes that it's
improtant for the codependent to have some guidelines of behavior to
follow in early recovery, and has sketched out a set of suggested
guidelines of personal rights:

I have a right to say, "No!" to anything that violates my values.  I
do not have to passively acquiesce and defer to others when my values
are at stake.

I have a right to dignity and respect.

I have a right to set my own proioroties and say, "No!" to any
request that conflicts with my priorities.  This is not a right to
total selfishness, it's a right to self-care.

I have a right to stand up for myself.  And if I don't, I can't
expect others to take me seriously.

I have a right to say, "No!"  I have a right to be an assertive
person - not confusing assertion with aggression.

I have a right and an obligation to show my feelings.  My feelings
are part of the real me - my real response to others and to the
world.  And no one can read my mind to know what I feel.

I have a right to say, "I don't care."  I need to pass by some
things, some people, and I need to be able to let go of the hurtful
things in my past.

I have the right to change my mind.  I don't have to stick with a bad
decision to the bitter end.

I have the right to make mistakes.  I don't have to like making
mistakes, but I will make them, and I'm entitled to make them
because, as the saying goes, no one's perfect.

As you can see, with rights come responsibilities.  And here is a
paramount responsibility:

I have the obligation not to violate these rights in anyone else.

PERSONAL BILL OF RIGHTS

1. Life should have choices beyond mere survival.
2. You have a right to say "No" to anything when you feel you are not
ready, or it's unsafe.
3. Life should not be motivated by fear.
4. You have a right to all of your feelings.
5. You are probably not guilty.
6. You have a right to make mistakes.
7. There is no need to smile when you want to cry.
8. You have a right to terminate conversations with people who make
you feel put down and humiliated.
9. You can be healthier than those around you.
10. It is OK to be relaxed, playful, and frivolous.
11. You have a right to change and grow.
12. It is important to set limits and to be selfish.
13. You can be angry at someone you love.
14. You can take care of yourself, no matter what circumstances you
are in.

What does love mean?
......from the mouths of babes

"Love is that first feeling you feel before all the bad stuff gets in the
way."

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her
toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his
hands got arthritis too. That's love."

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and
they go out and smell each other."

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries
without making them give you any of theirs."

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before
giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you
still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and Daddy are like that.
They look gross when they kiss."

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening
presents and listen."

  "If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you
hate."

"Love is hugging. Love is kissing. Love is saying no."

"When you tell someone something bad about yourself and you're scared they
won't love you anymore. But then you get surprised because not only do they
still love you, they love you even more."

"There are two kinds of love. Our love. God's love. But God makes both kinds
of them."

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends
even after they know each other so well."

  "During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I looked at all the
people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one
doing that. I wasn't scared anymore. That's love."

"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to
sleep at night."

"Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken."

"Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is
handsomer than Robert Redford."

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all
day."

  "I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes
and has to go out and buy new ones."

"I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me
because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her."

"Love cards like Valentine's cards say stuff on them that we'd like to say
ourselves, but we wouldn't be caught dead saying."

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come
out of you."

  "Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's
sick."

"God could have said magic words to make the nails fall off the cross,
but.............. He didn't. That's love."

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know
that your name is safe in their mouth."

  "You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean
it, you should say it a lot. People forget."

Send the HUGS and the LOVE to the folks that mean the most to you!!




HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

"A truly rich man is one whose children run into his arms when his hands are
empty."
- Unknown


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Understanding Codependency 1

Once upon a time, a woman moved to a cave in the mountains to study with a
guru. She wanted, she said, to learn everything there was to know. The guru
supplied her with stacks of books and left her alone so that she could study.
Every morning, he asked her the same question, "Have you learned everything
there
is to know yet?" Each morning her answer was the same; "No," she said, "I
haven't." The guru would then strike her over the head with the cane.

This scenario repeated itself for months. One day the guru entered the cave,
asked the same questions, heard the same answer and raised his cane to hit her
in the same way, but the woman grabbed the cane from the guru, stopping the
assault in midair.

Relieved to end the daily batterings, but fearing reprisal, the woman looked
up at the guru. To her surprise, the guru smiled. "Congratulations," he said,
"You have graduated. You now know everything there is to know." "How's that?"
the woman asked. "You have learned that you will never learn everything there
is to know," he replied. "And you have learned how to stop the pain. "


Codependency

co·de·pen·den·cy [k di péndnsee ] or co·de·pen·dence [k di péndns ] noun

1. mutual need: the dependence of two people, groups, or organisms on each
other, especially when this reinforces mutually harmful behavior patterns

2. COUNSELLING relationship of mutual need: a situation in which one person
feels a need to be needed by another person, for example, the partner of an
alcoholic or a parent of a drug-addicted child

co·de·pen·dent noun adjective


Jill's Story

Jill came for counseling about her relationship with her mother. Jill's
mother was big on 'duty', 'obligation', favoring some children and grandchildren
over others, insisting that if her daughter really loved her she would, of
course, and be happy to visit her each week, phone every second day at least
(every
day if she were traveling). Jill's maternal grandmother was still alive, and
Jill's mother visited her mother every week regularly, phoned every second day
etc. etc. but often complained about it all... (Jill's mother, by the way,
was an only child; and both her mother and grandmother had 'problems' with the
men in their lives). Another feature of Jill's upbringing was 'Secrets'. No one
outside the family was to know about family matters - and secrets were kept
from Jill and/or her brother as well.

Jill said to me, 'I feel as if I've never been allowed to grow up. My mother
wants to know everything about my life, and won't let me be an autonomous,
independent person. I love her, and am grateful for a lot about my protective
upbringing, but how can I extricate myself from my mother without rejecting her?
I'm scared of her. She doesn't know the old saying "Give them roots, then give
them wings"!'

'Do I have to go out to work to have a "busy" excuse? Or move away to another
town? My mother's 65, and my grandmother's 86. Is that too late for them to
change?'


Recovery and Healing

Codependency is all about projecting our unmet needs onto another. We might
'love' them, yes, but it's 'need-love' rather than 'gift-love'. 'I love you so
that you will meet my needs'. So one is treated as an object, rather than as
an autonomous person. Recovery or healing is the process whereby we find our
true selves apart from the person we are 'enmeshed' with.


Codependent persons often say things that imply 'I'm the way I am because of
you. You are the problem. Why can't you change? You are so...'


Just about every 'codependent' person I've counseled comes from a
'dysfunctional' family. A dysfunctional family is characterised by some of the
following:

* children have to follow rules like 'Don't feel, don't trust, don't tell'

* emotions are either expressed violently, with a lot of anger, (e.g 'Don't
you cry or I'll give you something to cry about!'); or they are repressed

* there is a lack of real/healthy intimacy

* children feel they have to meet adults' needs

* there may be emotional, physical, sexual, or spiritual abuse - or neglect

* 'perfectionism' may be a factor in Christian homes

* there are lots of rigid rules, and punishments. Sometimes these rules are
arbitrary - not easily understood, or they change without warning

* there is a 'strictness' sometimes about what to believe and what not to
believe. Truth is black and white

* the 'silent treatment' may be common

* you must keep family secrets; there is a lot of denial

* 'triangulation' may occur, where one family member is used as a go-between

* there is a 'victim' or 'martyr' syndrome: 'I'm feeling bad so it's your /
someone else's fault'

* personal boundaries are not clearly defined, accepted or respected

* 'masks' are worn to impress the right people

* 'control' is big!

* children in these situations cope by becoming perfectionists, or pleasers,
or clowns, or scapegoats to deflect the family tensions


* adults from dysfunctional families may be workaholics (until their midlife
crisis!), or solitary/lost and drifting through life, controllers, addicted to
alcohol or other substances, having low self-esteem, unable to handle stress
etc.

* you learn that it's unsafe to trust any / too many people

* there's not much fun; sometimes not many happy times with visitors.

* everything one does, thinks, or says is judged by someone else's standards
-- nothing is done, said, or thought "Good Enough".

* you do not know or believe that being vulnerable and asking for help is
both OKAY and NORMAL.

* you do not know that it is OKAY to talk about problems outside the family;
or that feelings just are -- and it is better to share them than to deny,
minimize or justify them.


Adult Children

One of the common by-products of dysfunctional families is that they produce
'adult children.' I found this somewhere: 'Each of us begins life as a
vulnerable child, dependent upon our parents. If our parents are healthy and
secure
individuals with good parenting skills, then we will have a good chance of
emerging into adulthood as secure, happy individuals. But if our parents were
individuals who suffered from compulsive or addictive patterns, their messages
and
behaviors to us were likely to be inconsistent, confusing or even damaging.
Perhaps they lavished us with love and attention one day and ignored or
rejected us the next.

Being unable to cope themselves, such parents may have expected us to take on
adult responsibilities well in advance of adulthood, or to care for, protect
or make decisions for them and other family members. We usually felt woefully
inadequate and confused under such pressures. Instead of being encouraged to
be children, gradually maturing to welcome adult challenges, we may have
reached adulthood with little understanding of the maturing process. We may
reexperience feelings of being overwhelmed, helpless or resentful under the
ordinary
stresses of adult life. We are "adult children": we have the bodies of adults,
the responsibilities, drives and goals of adults, but the unprocessed emotions
of small, dependent children.'


Enmeshment

A common feature of codependent relationships is 'Enmeshment'. In a healthy
relationship, each person is valued as an individual. Each has his/her
uniqueness to contribute to the relationship and to the world. Therefore, each
person
has his or her own thoughts and feelings and each takes responsibility for his
or her actions. Enmeshment is when one person or partner tries to influence
the thinking of the other or wants the other to have exactly the same feelings.
Enmeshment is attempting to feel and think as if you were the same person.

Recovery involves re-shaping our thinking, allowing ourselves to truly feel
our feelings, taking responsibility for our own behaviors, and experiencing
God's love, healing and forgiveness. It begins with an 'aha' experience: 'I have
a problem. But I am not prepared to go on living like this! I need help!'

When you change your thinking you are moving from 'blaming' to 'repenting';
from 'I have a problem and it's _____'s fault' to 'I will accept responsibility
for who I am or what I've done or the feelings I have about...' 'You'
statements ('You don't care!' 'Your behavior is causing me to be like this'
etc.)
change to 'I' statements. 'I accept responsibility for my own feelings and
behavior.'

One of the areas we have to examine is the 'software' for living in our brain
put there by significant people in our past. We are open to 'changing the
tapes', living by another script! I don't have to agree with everything my
mother
/ father / partner says...I don't have to be steadfastly loyal --
particularly when the loyalty is unjustified, and personally harmful.


Recovery and Relationships

Many relationships break up when one member of the couple goes into recovery.
This happens for a number of reasons.

Problems which were basic to the relationship may have been previously
medicated away through the use of chemicals, overwork, or food. Without this
addictive medication problems can erupt. Since the couple has not had
experienced
handling problems before, these differences seem insurmountable, and perhaps
they
are.

Another reason why couples go into crisis during recovery is that, as long as
there was an addiction, everyone knew their role. One person was the
addicted, acting out, contrite, messedup one. The other person was the
responsible, in
control, judgmental, long suffering martyr.

When one person stops becoming the problem, the reason for everyone's
unhappiness, then everyone has to adjust. Unfortunately, often what happens is
that
the responsible, non-addicted one begins to hope that finally she or he will
get their needs met. They will finally get the reward they have waited for so
long. Their expectations soar. The person newly in recovery can barely get
dressed in the morning, let alone meet anyone else's needs. Long buried rage
from
the long suffering one, and confused rage from the recovering one flare into
arguments, and often separation.

But there is hope. Here are ten rules for living together in recovery. They
are not guarantees, but they can help both of you find out if you do have a
viable relationship, and prevent you from killing each other during that
discovery process.

RULE #1 You cannot change anyone else.

Give up thinking that, if only she or he stopped doing this or that, then you
would be happy. It is not true. You can do nothing to control, manipulate or
coerce another person to acting in a way you think should make you happy.
Simply give it up. No blaming.

RULE #2 You can change your behavior.

Your emotions, reactions, thoughts, feelings, all are not really under your
control. But your behavior is, and your behavior is all you are really
responsible for. Change yourself.

RULE #3 -- Changing your behavior, over time, may lead to a change in
attitude.

It is strange how that happens, but some things you thought you could never
stand, seem to lose their importance if you stop feeding them by acting on
them. Don't lose hope.

RULE #4 -- Both of you must go into recovery.

You are not responsible for anyone else's addiction, but if you want this
relationship to have any chance you will have to get specific support. That may
mean therapy (couples and individual) and/or support groups. The two of you are
going to have to learn new ways to communicate, argue, and problem solve
together, and that means you can't do it on your own. Get help.

RULE #5 -- Your childhood wasn't as rosy as you fool yourself into thinking
it was.

Everyone learned some dysfunctional ways of relating from their parents.
These old beliefs are entrenched, and very hard to change. That is why you need
feedback from people other than your partner, or your family. Too often you are
reacting just the way your mother or father taught you to react. Learn the
truth.

RULE #6 -- You need to learn how to stand up for your truth in a way which
will not degrade, humiliate, put down, or attack another person.

You do this by owning all your thoughts, feelings, and reactions as your own,
not as something caused by someone else. Don't shame others.

RULE #7 -- Count to twenty before you explode.

Then, just before you let fire, ask yourself if you might not get further
with this issue if you didn't first talk it out with a third party, before
destroying the planet of your partner. Hold back

RULE #8 -- Try using the phrase "I interpret what you are doing as..." rather
than the old stand by, "You make me feel. . . ".

So, "You made me so mad when you slammed the door!" becomes, " I got so mad
when you slammed the door because I interpreted that to mean that you were
pissed off at me!". Your partner can respond," Yes I was mad at you!", or can
respond, " Hey, the wind blew the door closed!" Own your feelings.

RULE #9 -- You have very strong emotions in two circumstances. Either you are
being truly, strongly abused by someone else, or you are painting the face of
a previous abuser onto the face of the person you are with.

This is called projection and it is the primary cause of divorce. If you are
in clear danger, either get away, or at the very least get some professional
counseling. But if you are not in real danger, but keep getting furious at
every little thing she or he does, entertain the possibility that you are
projecting the face of a parent, or old partner onto your present companion.
Just
entertain the idea that it may not be all their fault. Talk about it with some
uninvolved people. Check it out.

RULE #10 -- Take care of your body.

Eat healthy, exercise moderately, soak in a bath, get a massage, be gentle
with yourself. This is a highly stressful time for both partners. So don't try
to be perfect, just try to be a loving parent to yourself. Be gentle with
yourself.


Example: She drives you crazy when she leaves the top off the toothpaste. You
have tried criticisms, nagging, strategic notes, and hiding her toothbrush.
Nothing has changed her behavior.

(Rule #1). You stop saying anything about the top.

(Rule #2). It is very frustrating.

(Rule #9). You look at your anger, in therapy, and in a self help group.

(Rule #4). You become aware how extreme your reaction is to this trifling
detail. In looking at your own childhood you discover how important it was to
keep everything orderly. Without order the top would fly off the family, and
someone would explode. So you learned as a child that order was a matter of
survival.

(Rule #5). You realize that you got angry at that toothpaste top because mess
makes you a little scared. Understanding that, you are more cautious about
which issues you will make a stand on. Anger does stress you out.

(Rule #10). The toothpaste top is not that important.

(Rule #3). But that doesn't mean that there are not cleaning issues which
need to be addressed. Leaving her cloths all over the bedroom floor when she
walks in, that is an issue which the two of you are going to have to work
out.(Rules #6,7,8)


[The above was adapted from an article by David Skibbins]

~~~

Codependency Resources

Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie A good place to begin reading.

Beyond Codependency, by Melody Beattie A sequel to Codependent No More.

The Language of Letting Go, by Melody Beattie A book of daily stories about
codependence.

The Family: A New Way of Creating Solid-Self Esteem, by John Bradshaw A good
book about emotional abuse that addresses the question, There was no alcohol
or drugs or mental illness in my family of origin, so why am I so mixed up?
This updated version of the original title also addresses how families and
individuals can get healing from dysfunction.

Breaking Free, by Pia Mellody and Andrea Wells Miller A recovery workbook for
Facing Codependence.

Facing Codependence, by Pia Mellody with Andrea Wells Miller and J. Keith
Miller What codependency is, where it comes from, and how it sabotages our
lives.

Family Secrets and Shame

Family Secrets: The Path to Self-Acceptance and Reunion, by John Bradshaw
Explains how secrets within families can so powerfully influence individuals'
lives.

Healing the Shame That Binds You, by John Bradshaw A revealing look at how
toxic shame can lead to many types of very serious individual and familial
problems.

Adult Children - The Secrets of Dysfunctional Families, by John and Linda
Friel Covers how persons who did not grow up in alcoholic familes can still
develop many types of codependent issues.

Inner Child

Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child, by John Bradshaw
Using procedures from his workshops, the author shows how to reparent wounds to
one's core self in order to heal.

Healing the Child Within, by Charles L. Whitfield (with a related workbook)

~~~

Rowland Croucher

July 2001.

Note: I am indebted to many sources for this material - some of them
mislaid/forgotten. If any recognition/permission is needed to reproduce original
material, that will be glady acknowledged.

© John Mark Ministries. Articles may be reproduced in any medium, without
applying for permission (provided they are unedited, and retain the original
author/copyright information - and perhaps a reference to this website :-)!

http://www.pastornet.net.au/jmm/articles/5228.htm









HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

"A truly rich man is one whose children run into his arms when his hands are
empty."
- Unknown


Verbal Abuse: AZTerri's Quick Reference Guide
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/abuser-victim-red-flag-warnings.html


AZTerri Summer Profile
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


EVA Homesite
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Facing Codependence : What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our
Lives
by Pia Mellody

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0062505890/templeofwisdo-20


Breaking Free : A Recovery Handbook for Facing Codependence
by Pia Mellody

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0062505904/templeofwisdo-20


Facing Love Addiction : Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love
by Pia Mellody

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0062506048/templeofwisdo-20




HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

"A truly rich man is one whose children run into his arms when his hands are
empty."
- Unknown


Verbal Abuse: AZTerri's Quick Reference Guide
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/abuser-victim-red-flag-warnings.html


AZTerri Summer Profile
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


EVA Homesite
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents














[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

How to Break Your Addiction to a Person: When and Why Love Doesn't Work, and
What to Do About It by Howard Halpern

  http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0553260057/templeofwisdo-20

From the Publisher
Are you in love--or addicted? How to know when to call it quits...and how to
find the courage to call it quits.

Are you unable to leave a love relationship even though it gives you more
pain than joy? Your judgment and self-respect tell you to end it, but still, to
your dismay, you hang on. You are addicted--to a person. Now there is an
insightful, step-by-step guide to breaking that addiction--and surviving the
split.
Drawing on dozens of provocative case histories, psychotherapist Howard
Helpern explains to you:

Why and how you may try to deceive yourself. ("He really loves me, he just
doesn't know how to show it.")

Why you can get addicted to a person.

How you can recognize the symptoms of a bad relationship.

How to deal with the power moves and guilt trips your partner uses to hold
you.

Why strong feelings of jealousy do not mean you are "in love."

How to get through the agonizing breakup period--without going back.

How not to get caught in such a painful relationship again.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-

Spotlight Reviews

  A Keeper to read again & again, June 3, 2001
  Reviewer: ginazone (see more about me) from Glens Falls, NY United States
I first devoured this book about 9 years ago & it saved my life, literally! I
could not leave a very sick abusive man, even though I was terrified of him,
even when he degraded me, even when it made my hate myself & feel disgusted at
my seeming powerlessness to leave. This book SAVED my LIFE! I was able to
break my lifelong patterns of choosing women haters, violent batterers, charming
seductive snakes whose only goal was to drive me insane & break me in pieces
emotionally until I had NO self-worth, self-respect, NO SELF at all left. Why
do we stay hooked in harmful relationships? It's not always physically abusive,
sometimes they are emotionally & verbally abusive to the point that you no
longer know what is real. You want so badly to believe the lies & excuses, hold
onto the hope that your lover will change if you just love them enough, I know
he really loves me, she/he's just having a bad day, etc. If you've ever been
in any type of relationship that you knew or suspected was harmful but STILL
could NOT leave, you know the shattering pain of addiction to a person.

This book tells one how they became addicted & why, how to recognize a bad
relationship, how to deal with the power & guilt trips your partner uses to keep
you hooked, that jealousy & possessiveness do NOT mean love, how to get
through the breakup without going back, & how to break this pattern for good! I
could have gone through years of expensive therapy & still not received the
exact
help or understanding that I needed to set myself free from addictive
relationships. I just bought a new copy of the book--it is timeless, worth much
more
than the cover price of...(therapy could cost thousands, take years & have
less results). I recommend getting at least 2 because you won't want to share &
we always know at least one person trapped in addictive relationships. You're
worth it, right? :-)


  This book saved my life, January 14, 2003
  Reviewer: A reader from New Orleans
I was in a deep depression over fear of losing someone I loved. I have always
been anxious and upset about people leaving me. When I felt like I was going
to die, I bought this book in hopes of helping me get over feeling so
rejected. It really saved my life. It made me realize once and for all why my
relationships consistently dont work out even when they seem right. It gave me
clear,
concise and helpful activities and exercises to do everyday that helped me
recover from needing someone so badly. It helped me feel more independent, in
control and confident in my life. It helped me to understand why I am the way I
am and it used very specific behavioral conditioning to help me change that.
This book is not an easy way out. It is not a quick fix for your life. It tells
the truth and provides a clear plan that you would implement over a period of
time to help you to stop depending on and needing people. It takes work and
dedication but it is worth every ounce of self confidence and independence you
will feel after getting over your addiction. Helpful for both those who are in
an addictive relationship and those who have just left one.




HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

"A truly rich man is one whose children run into his arms when his hands are
empty."
- Unknown


Verbal Abuse: AZTerri's Quick Reference Guide
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/abuser-victim-red-flag-warnings.html


AZTerri Summer Profile
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


EVA Homesite
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents














[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Ten differences between being a martyr or a victim?

1. Martyrs are people who recognize they are being taken advantage of and
choose to remain in the situation.

Victims are people who are taken advantage of but are unaware of being
treated as such. Once victims recognize that they are being treated unfairly,
they
have the choice of remaining in the situation or not. If they stay, they risk
becoming martyrs.


2. Martyrs are those who recognize that their rights are ignored and abused
but choose to remain in the situation and continue to be treated this way.

Victims are individuals whose rights are ignored and abused but were unaware
that they would be treated in this manner before they entered the situation,
and once they are aware of what is transpiring they seek a way out of the
situation.


3. Martyrs are people who let others know on a frequent basis how unfairly
they are being treated but choose to remain in this unfair position.

Victims often suffer silently for long periods of time before they are able
to verbalize the unfairness of their life situations.


4. Martyrs often knowingly continue to enable or set up situations in which
their rights are violated or ignored. This "setting up'' is like a prediction
or prophecy of failure into which, consciously or unconsciously, the martyrs
play, fulfilling the prophecy.

Victims often unknowingly set themselves up for continued abuse and violation
of their rights. They are often confused and bewildered as to why this
occurs. They lack insight into the actions that bring on this abuse (such as
poor
boundaries).


5. Martyrs often seek sympathy for their plight. They seek support, advice,
and help from others. Yet they seem stuck in their current course of action and
seem to be unable to resolve it.

Victims frequently never seek help. They are often frustrated and lost as to
what needs to be done to get them out of their current situation. Once victims
have been offered help and make a conscious choice to remain stuck in their
situation, they become martyrs.


6. Martyrs frequently let the people whom they feel are taking advantage of
them know how badly they are being treated. Martyrs often resort to badgering,
nagging, scolding, threatening, belittling, antagonizing, and verbally putting
down those whom they perceive to be taking advantage of them.

Victims rarely let the people who are taking advantage of them know how they
feel about this treatment. 


7. Martyrs often believe it is their obligation to remain in their position
in life. They would feel guilty if they let go of the current situation. They
fear taking the risk to change the situation. They are apparently comfortable,
habituated, submissive, or thrive on the situation and believe a change would
be worse for them and for the others in their lives.

Victims often want a change and are desperate for a solution to their
situation. As soon as a victim gives in to a situation, choosing not to resolve
or
correct it, they become martyrs. The saying, "If you are not part of the
solution, you are part of the problem,'' applies to the martyr's state in life.


8. Martyrs have a story line which is stereotypic and habitual. They rarely
change their tales of woe. One can meet them several years later and find them
still suffering from the fate they were experiencing when you last talked to
them.

Victims experience their plight temporarily, get help, and are more apt to
get out of the situation. If after getting help and changing, victims experience
the same problems later, they could be martyrs at that time.


9. Martyrs often mask their behavior with an aura of willingness and desire
for behavioral change in their lives. Usually they are only fooling themselves,
since the others in their lives can see by their behavior and attitude that
there is no possibility of change.

Victims usually are open and honest about their discomfort and willingly seek
behavioral change. Their sincerity is easily perceived by others due to the
actions and behavioral changes that take place.


10. Martyrs are "professional'' help seekers. They make the rounds of paid
and volunteer helpers, advice givers, counselors, consultants, anyone willing to
listen to their tale of woe. Unfortunately, they usually ignore the
assistance, advice, or direction they are given. This frequently results in
their
"helpers'' giving up on them in frustration and discouragement.

Victims, on the other hand, seek help in a "crisis'' only after the pressure
of their problems becomes too great for them to bear. They are highly
motivated for a "change'' and are rewarding people to work with as they and
their
helpers witness the benefits of the help, advice, and direction given.



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