"As long as we believe that we have to have the other in our life to
be happy, we are really just an addict trying to protect our supply -
using another person as our drug of choice.  That is not True Love -
nor is it Loving."

Romantic Relationships
This dance of Codependence is a dance of dysfunctional relationships -
of relationships that do not work to meet our needs. That does not
mean just romantic relationships, or family relationships, or even
human relationships in general.
The fact that dysfunction exists in our romantic, family, and human
relationships is a symptom of the dysfunction that exists in our
relationship with life - with being human.  It is a symptom of the
dysfunction which exists in our relationships with ourselves as human
beings.

And the dysfunction that exists in our relationship with ourselves is
a symptom of Spiritual dis-ease, of not being in balance and harmony
with the universe, of feeling disconnected from our Spiritual source.

That is why it is so important to enlarge our perspective.  To look
beyond the romantic relationship in which we are having problems.  To
look beyond the dysfunction that exists in our relationships with
other people.

The more we enlarge our perspective, the closer we get to the cause
instead of just dealing with the symptoms.  For example, the more we
look at the dysfunction in our relationship with ourselves as human
beings the more we can understand the dysfunction in our romantic
relationships.

(Text in this color is used for quotes from Codependence: The Dance
of Wounded Souls by Robert Burney)
"As long as we believe that we have to have the other in our life to
be happy, we are really just an addict trying to protect our supply -
using another person as our drug of choice.  That is not True Love -
nor is it Loving."

http://www.joy2meu.com/Relationship.html

Dance of the Wounded Souls: Author Website

  http://www.joy2meu.com/


I am sure it is a great mistake always to know enough to go in when it rains.

One may keep snug and dry by such knowledge,
but one misses a world of loveliness.
-  Adeline Knapp


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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

You may instinctually be gentle with others when they are in pain or need
comfort. Yet, when it comes to yourself, you may be at a complete loss of how to
be gentle with yourself. You may feel completely undeserving of gentleness and
compassion. Tell yourself, whether you truly believe it or not, that you
deserve compassion. You have been through far too much pain and suffering
already.
You  deserve to have only gentleness and love from here on in. Repeat this to
yourself often throughout the course of each day, eventually you will come to
believe those words. Below is a list of gentle things you can do for yourself
to help you through your pain:  

     Accept where you are in your process.

This means affirming to yourself: "I am in pain right now. There are many
things that have wounded me deeply. These wounds have not yet healed; it is okay
to feel this pain. Getting in touch with my pain, feeling it, and sitting with
it for a time is what will lead me to heal. I will be okay, even though I may
not feel like I am okay right now: I will be okay."
 

     Allow yourself to feel that pain.

Don't run away from your pain or try to cover it up with other issues and
addictions. Connect with the hurting inside yourself. Remember that you must
walk
through the pain in order to truly heal. You will get to the other side. You
will survive: you will thrive!

 
     Quiet the critic in your head.

Tell the critical voice inside yourself that you have heard enough from it.
Teach it to respect you. Tell your critical voice that you will no longer
listen to its hurtful messages. Tell it that you will only be listening to the
soft
loving voice of your heart instead. Then connect with the voice in your
heart. What does it tell you about your pain? What things does it suggest you
do?
In what direction does your heart guide you? Does it tell you to honor your
process? Does it tell you to be true to your inner feelings and spend time with
them? Does it tell you to give yourself a break from them by taking a peaceful
walk or listening to music?

 
     Cry-it soothes the pain.

Just curl up in a comfortable spot and cry your heart out. You most likely
have a lot of tears in you that have never been cried. Now that the dam of
anorexia is no longer blocking your tears, you are free to cry them. Crying
ensures
that your spirit does not drown; crying can begin to set you free.

 
     Cuddle with a soft teddy bear.

No one is ever too old for the comfort offered by a plush stuffed animal. If
you don't have one, go to a store and look for one that looks friendly and
loving. A stuffed animal can be especially comforting if your pain of the moment
is related to your childhood. Even if your pain is connected solidly to the
present, the stuffed animal can help you to feel safe and comforted. Remind
yourself that you deserve tenderness and comfort.

 
     Call someone who will be gentle with you and talk to them.

Call your therapist or a close friend --- someone who will listen without
judging you, someone you can say just about anything to. Call someone who can
hear your cracking, crying voice and soothe you. Talk with someone who can
reassure you that it really will be okay again. Let them provide reassurance
that
you can and will get through this.  Sometimes pain can be opaque and we cannot
see the brighter skies that lie ahead. It helps to have someone who can see
those bright skies and assure you that they are there.

 
     Go outside and take a walk.

Smell the flowers, listen to the sweet sound of the singing birds. Lift your
face to the sun, close your eyes and feel it warm your face. If it is
wintertime, notice how the sun sparkles on the blanket of soft white snow
covering the
earth. Feel the crisp air as it touches your skin. Go to a park and watch
children sledding on the snow or skating on the ice. Remind yourself that there
is a world beyond your pain; that you will not get lost forever in its depths
--- you will resurface.

 
     Buy yourself a card.

Go into any card or gift shop and look for a card under the section entitled
encouragement. Read each card in this section and choose the one that offers
you the most hope and comfort. Choose the one inscribed with the message that
you like best. Bring it home with you and read it often. Keep it with you
wherever you go, so that you may pull it out at a moment's notice and read its
tender words.

 
     Buy yourself flowers.

Choose or create an arrangement that makes you feel peaceful inside, one that
has all of your favorite flowers and colors. Bring it home and put it where
you can see it all day. Smell the flowers often. Touch the soft petals and
admire them. They are beautiful  --- just like you.

 
     Play music that soothes your aching heart.

Perhaps it is soft tender music that makes you feel calm and relaxed. Maybe
it is music that helps you to cry so that you may begin to release some of your
pain. Perhaps it is lively music that lifts you slightly and helps you attain
a new perspective.

 
     Have someone you trust make a tape for you.

This person could be your therapist or a close friend. The tape could be a
relaxation tape with exercises for you to do, or it could simply be their voice
encouraging you, and offering you support and hope. Listen to the tape
whenever you feel sad and alone. Listen to it whenever you need comfort. Listen
to it
as often and as many times as you need to.

 
     Keep a picture of someone who is important to you and who cares about
you.

Look at the picture and remind yourself that this person cares about you and
how you are doing. Keep it with you so that you can look at it whenever you
like. Sometimes a picture can help you to feel as though that person is there
with you in your pain. It can help you feel less alone in the world.

 
     Write down a list of nice or comforting things people have said to you.

Keep adding to this list and keep it in a place where you can read it often.
Sometimes writing down the exact words people have said will help you remember
the sound of their voice when they said it to you. Many times this vivid
memory will bring you the same kind of comfort you felt when it was said to you.

 
     Have your therapist or one of your friends write something to you that
will give you hope.

Something that will tell you that you are not alone, and that you are cared
about. Seek solace in these written words whenever you need to.

 
     Go somewhere where you can just scream.

Sometimes certain kinds of pain can make you feel like screaming. Go ahead.
If your pain is begging you to scream it out, then when alone scream in the
woods, in your house, or in your car with the music turned up. Let it out ---
it's okay.


    Go to a glass recycling plant and break bottles.

Many glass recycling plants will allow you to do this. You can throw bottles
against a wall and yell while you smash them. Sometimes shouting eases the
heartache. You may choose to do this by yourself or you may choose to bring a
friend along with you. If you are with a friend, the two of you can yell
together
and support each other.

 
     Find a sound that expresses your pain.

What does your pain sound like? Perhaps it is a sobbing, a wild scream, a
throaty yell, a long agonizing wail, or all of these. Do you feel like dropping
to your knees, throwing your head back and wailing up to the sky? Then do it.
It's ok to find creative ways of expressing your pain. Let your pain emerge
from your body, whatever sound comes to you naturally --- let it out.

 
     Seek solace in your own artistic expression.

Use paints, pastel chalk, crayons, or markers to draw pictures or designs
that convey how you feel. Perhaps it will be a mix of colors that symbolize your
emotions. Many people use red to express anger and rage, and black to express
hopelessness and despair. Certain shades of blue might be used to convey
sadness. Which colors are you using? What do they mean to you? Perhaps you would
like to bring your work into therapy to talk about what each color symbolizes
for you and what you were thinking and feeling as you created this particular
piece.

 
     Write a poem that describes your feelings at the moment.

Compose a poem that in some way addresses the memories or experiences that
cause you this pain. You may choose to share it with a friend, loved one or your
therapist, or you may choose to keep it for yourself.

 
     Confide in the pages of your journal.

Pour your heart out into its pages. Bear your soul. Write about the things
that torment your being.  Let your thoughts and feelings flow from the end of
your pen and form into expressive words. Sometimes writing about your thoughts
and feelings can provide you with tremendous relief. Many people find that they
can write things that they cannot say. Maybe you would like to share your
writing with someone close to you. Perhaps you would like to bring it into
therapy with you. Sometimes it helps to feel as though at least one other person
in
the world knows how you are feeling.

 
     Risk --- try telling another person how you feel while you are feeling
that way.

Share your secrets, your heartache, and your shame with a safe person in a
safe environment,  perhaps in therapy. It is truly an amazing experience to
share your inner most self with someone and find out that they will not walk a
way
from you. It can be a frightening thing to do, but the rewards can be
incredible, too. Perhaps you would like to try.

 
     Think about how your friends cope with pain.

Is there anyone who does something especially kind for him/herself when s/he
is hurting? Would you like to try doing that particular thing for yourself?
Add ideas to this list as you go along, don't be afraid to try new things.
Sometimes taking risks and trying new things, although scary, can be a gentle
act
of self-care.

Perhaps you have obligations that you must meet, which prevent you from
allowing yourself to fully experience your feelings. Promise your heart that you
will attend to it later. Imagine wrapping it in a soft, warm blanket to keep it
safe and comfortable until you are able to come back, and spend time with it
while tenderly attending to its wounds.Remember pain requires time in order to
heal. Some pain requires more healing time than others. Promise yourself that
you will walk through it no matter how long it takes. There is light at the
end of the path; there is wellness. Pain is an inevitable part of living and
loving in this world. Remember that all pain is legitimate and has a purpose. So
many times we do not feel entitled to our pain and feelings. Not feeling
entitled leads us to push them away, reject them, or bury them. You are entitled
to
all of your feelings; embrace them. They are what make you whole.

Something to hold on to:

As you walk the road to recovery you may find yourself getting tired. At
times your life may feel too difficult. I wish it was possible to make the
landscape of your life brighter, smoother, and filled with more flowers. If I
could
make the terrain you walk on gentler, I would in a moment. You are a beautiful
soul who does not deserve to be in such agony. You deserve to have all the
glistening things in life. Hold on to the fact that there is light, even when
you
cannot see it.  Hold on to the fact that it is possible to lead a full life,
even though your own may feel empty at this moment. Not knowing what to do at
times, and struggling and trying to figure out what to do is the very thing
that will lead you to freedom.

If you look inside your heart, really look, you will see a beautiful person
with a kind and gentle soul. You will see a person who needs comfort, a person
who needs you. As you search around in your heart, you will find the warrior
spirit and courage that you need to win this battle. You will find the courage
to face your demons and triumph over them. You will walk through your pain.
Remember that you bless this world and make it a more beautiful place to live
in.These are things you must tuck away and remember from time to time when the
pain feels too unbearable. It is possible to have hope and soul shattering pain
at the same time. Keep fighting and never give up. You are too valuable, too
special. Know that you are not alone:  there are other warrior sisters who are
walking with you in spirit.

1997 by Monika H. Ostroff




I am sure it is a great mistake always to know enough to go in when it rains.

One may keep snug and dry by such knowledge,
but one misses a world of loveliness.
-  Adeline Knapp


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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Hey everyone, I got this literature at a f2f meeting and think it's
worth sharing...

Codependent's Rights in Recovery

Sharon Wegscheider, author of CHOICEMAKING, believes that it's
improtant for the codependent to have some guidelines of behavior to
follow in early recovery, and has sketched out a set of suggested
guidelines of personal rights:

I have a right to say, "No!" to anything that violates my values.  I
do not have to passively acquiesce and defer to others when my values
are at stake.

I have a right to dignity and respect.

I have a right to set my own proioroties and say, "No!" to any
request that conflicts with my priorities.  This is not a right to
total selfishness, it's a right to self-care.

I have a right to stand up for myself.  And if I don't, I can't
expect others to take me seriously.

I have a right to say, "No!"  I have a right to be an assertive
person - not confusing assertion with aggression.

I have a right and an obligation to show my feelings.  My feelings
are part of the real me - my real response to others and to the
world.  And no one can read my mind to know what I feel.

I have a right to say, "I don't care."  I need to pass by some
things, some people, and I need to be able to let go of the hurtful
things in my past.

I have the right to change my mind.  I don't have to stick with a bad
decision to the bitter end.

I have the right to make mistakes.  I don't have to like making
mistakes, but I will make them, and I'm entitled to make them
because, as the saying goes, no one's perfect.

As you can see, with rights come responsibilities.  And here is a
paramount responsibility:

I have the obligation not to violate these rights in anyone else.

PERSONAL BILL OF RIGHTS

1. Life should have choices beyond mere survival.
2. You have a right to say "No" to anything when you feel you are not
ready, or it's unsafe.
3. Life should not be motivated by fear.
4. You have a right to all of your feelings.
5. You are probably not guilty.
6. You have a right to make mistakes.
7. There is no need to smile when you want to cry.
8. You have a right to terminate conversations with people who make
you feel put down and humiliated.
9. You can be healthier than those around you.
10. It is OK to be relaxed, playful, and frivolous.
11. You have a right to change and grow.
12. It is important to set limits and to be selfish.
13. You can be angry at someone you love.
14. You can take care of yourself, no matter what circumstances you
are in.

What does love mean?
......from the mouths of babes

"Love is that first feeling you feel before all the bad stuff gets in the
way."

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her
toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his
hands got arthritis too. That's love."

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and
they go out and smell each other."

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries
without making them give you any of theirs."

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before
giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you
still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and Daddy are like that.
They look gross when they kiss."

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening
presents and listen."

  "If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you
hate."

"Love is hugging. Love is kissing. Love is saying no."

"When you tell someone something bad about yourself and you're scared they
won't love you anymore. But then you get surprised because not only do they
still love you, they love you even more."

"There are two kinds of love. Our love. God's love. But God makes both kinds
of them."

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends
even after they know each other so well."

  "During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I looked at all the
people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one
doing that. I wasn't scared anymore. That's love."

"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to
sleep at night."

"Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken."

"Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is
handsomer than Robert Redford."

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all
day."

  "I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes
and has to go out and buy new ones."

"I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me
because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her."

"Love cards like Valentine's cards say stuff on them that we'd like to say
ourselves, but we wouldn't be caught dead saying."

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come
out of you."

  "Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's
sick."

"God could have said magic words to make the nails fall off the cross,
but.............. He didn't. That's love."

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know
that your name is safe in their mouth."

  "You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean
it, you should say it a lot. People forget."

Send the HUGS and the LOVE to the folks that mean the most to you!!




HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

"A truly rich man is one whose children run into his arms when his hands are
empty."
- Unknown


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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Understanding Codependency 1

Once upon a time, a woman moved to a cave in the mountains to study with a
guru. She wanted, she said, to learn everything there was to know. The guru
supplied her with stacks of books and left her alone so that she could study.
Every morning, he asked her the same question, "Have you learned everything
there
is to know yet?" Each morning her answer was the same; "No," she said, "I
haven't." The guru would then strike her over the head with the cane.

This scenario repeated itself for months. One day the guru entered the cave,
asked the same questions, heard the same answer and raised his cane to hit her
in the same way, but the woman grabbed the cane from the guru, stopping the
assault in midair.

Relieved to end the daily batterings, but fearing reprisal, the woman looked
up at the guru. To her surprise, the guru smiled. "Congratulations," he said,
"You have graduated. You now know everything there is to know." "How's that?"
the woman asked. "You have learned that you will never learn everything there
is to know," he replied. "And you have learned how to stop the pain. "


Codependency

co·de·pen·den·cy [k di péndnsee ] or co·de·pen·dence [k di péndns ] noun

1. mutual need: the dependence of two people, groups, or organisms on each
other, especially when this reinforces mutually harmful behavior patterns

2. COUNSELLING relationship of mutual need: a situation in which one person
feels a need to be needed by another person, for example, the partner of an
alcoholic or a parent of a drug-addicted child

co·de·pen·dent noun adjective


Jill's Story

Jill came for counseling about her relationship with her mother. Jill's
mother was big on 'duty', 'obligation', favoring some children and grandchildren
over others, insisting that if her daughter really loved her she would, of
course, and be happy to visit her each week, phone every second day at least
(every
day if she were traveling). Jill's maternal grandmother was still alive, and
Jill's mother visited her mother every week regularly, phoned every second day
etc. etc. but often complained about it all... (Jill's mother, by the way,
was an only child; and both her mother and grandmother had 'problems' with the
men in their lives). Another feature of Jill's upbringing was 'Secrets'. No one
outside the family was to know about family matters - and secrets were kept
from Jill and/or her brother as well.

Jill said to me, 'I feel as if I've never been allowed to grow up. My mother
wants to know everything about my life, and won't let me be an autonomous,
independent person. I love her, and am grateful for a lot about my protective
upbringing, but how can I extricate myself from my mother without rejecting her?
I'm scared of her. She doesn't know the old saying "Give them roots, then give
them wings"!'

'Do I have to go out to work to have a "busy" excuse? Or move away to another
town? My mother's 65, and my grandmother's 86. Is that too late for them to
change?'


Recovery and Healing

Codependency is all about projecting our unmet needs onto another. We might
'love' them, yes, but it's 'need-love' rather than 'gift-love'. 'I love you so
that you will meet my needs'. So one is treated as an object, rather than as
an autonomous person. Recovery or healing is the process whereby we find our
true selves apart from the person we are 'enmeshed' with.


Codependent persons often say things that imply 'I'm the way I am because of
you. You are the problem. Why can't you change? You are so...'


Just about every 'codependent' person I've counseled comes from a
'dysfunctional' family. A dysfunctional family is characterised by some of the
following:

* children have to follow rules like 'Don't feel, don't trust, don't tell'

* emotions are either expressed violently, with a lot of anger, (e.g 'Don't
you cry or I'll give you something to cry about!'); or they are repressed

* there is a lack of real/healthy intimacy

* children feel they have to meet adults' needs

* there may be emotional, physical, sexual, or spiritual abuse - or neglect

* 'perfectionism' may be a factor in Christian homes

* there are lots of rigid rules, and punishments. Sometimes these rules are
arbitrary - not easily understood, or they change without warning

* there is a 'strictness' sometimes about what to believe and what not to
believe. Truth is black and white

* the 'silent treatment' may be common

* you must keep family secrets; there is a lot of denial

* 'triangulation' may occur, where one family member is used as a go-between

* there is a 'victim' or 'martyr' syndrome: 'I'm feeling bad so it's your /
someone else's fault'

* personal boundaries are not clearly defined, accepted or respected

* 'masks' are worn to impress the right people

* 'control' is big!

* children in these situations cope by becoming perfectionists, or pleasers,
or clowns, or scapegoats to deflect the family tensions


* adults from dysfunctional families may be workaholics (until their midlife
crisis!), or solitary/lost and drifting through life, controllers, addicted to
alcohol or other substances, having low self-esteem, unable to handle stress
etc.

* you learn that it's unsafe to trust any / too many people

* there's not much fun; sometimes not many happy times with visitors.

* everything one does, thinks, or says is judged by someone else's standards
-- nothing is done, said, or thought "Good Enough".

* you do not know or believe that being vulnerable and asking for help is
both OKAY and NORMAL.

* you do not know that it is OKAY to talk about problems outside the family;
or that feelings just are -- and it is better to share them than to deny,
minimize or justify them.


Adult Children

One of the common by-products of dysfunctional families is that they produce
'adult children.' I found this somewhere: 'Each of us begins life as a
vulnerable child, dependent upon our parents. If our parents are healthy and
secure
individuals with good parenting skills, then we will have a good chance of
emerging into adulthood as secure, happy individuals. But if our parents were
individuals who suffered from compulsive or addictive patterns, their messages
and
behaviors to us were likely to be inconsistent, confusing or even damaging.
Perhaps they lavished us with love and attention one day and ignored or
rejected us the next.

Being unable to cope themselves, such parents may have expected us to take on
adult responsibilities well in advance of adulthood, or to care for, protect
or make decisions for them and other family members. We usually felt woefully
inadequate and confused under such pressures. Instead of being encouraged to
be children, gradually maturing to welcome adult challenges, we may have
reached adulthood with little understanding of the maturing process. We may
reexperience feelings of being overwhelmed, helpless or resentful under the
ordinary
stresses of adult life. We are "adult children": we have the bodies of adults,
the responsibilities, drives and goals of adults, but the unprocessed emotions
of small, dependent children.'


Enmeshment

A common feature of codependent relationships is 'Enmeshment'. In a healthy
relationship, each person is valued as an individual. Each has his/her
uniqueness to contribute to the relationship and to the world. Therefore, each
person
has his or her own thoughts and feelings and each takes responsibility for his
or her actions. Enmeshment is when one person or partner tries to influence
the thinking of the other or wants the other to have exactly the same feelings.
Enmeshment is attempting to feel and think as if you were the same person.

Recovery involves re-shaping our thinking, allowing ourselves to truly feel
our feelings, taking responsibility for our own behaviors, and experiencing
God's love, healing and forgiveness. It begins with an 'aha' experience: 'I have
a problem. But I am not prepared to go on living like this! I need help!'

When you change your thinking you are moving from 'blaming' to 'repenting';
from 'I have a problem and it's _____'s fault' to 'I will accept responsibility
for who I am or what I've done or the feelings I have about...' 'You'
statements ('You don't care!' 'Your behavior is causing me to be like this'
etc.)
change to 'I' statements. 'I accept responsibility for my own feelings and
behavior.'

One of the areas we have to examine is the 'software' for living in our brain
put there by significant people in our past. We are open to 'changing the
tapes', living by another script! I don't have to agree with everything my
mother
/ father / partner says...I don't have to be steadfastly loyal --
particularly when the loyalty is unjustified, and personally harmful.


Recovery and Relationships

Many relationships break up when one member of the couple goes into recovery.
This happens for a number of reasons.

Problems which were basic to the relationship may have been previously
medicated away through the use of chemicals, overwork, or food. Without this
addictive medication problems can erupt. Since the couple has not had
experienced
handling problems before, these differences seem insurmountable, and perhaps
they
are.

Another reason why couples go into crisis during recovery is that, as long as
there was an addiction, everyone knew their role. One person was the
addicted, acting out, contrite, messedup one. The other person was the
responsible, in
control, judgmental, long suffering martyr.

When one person stops becoming the problem, the reason for everyone's
unhappiness, then everyone has to adjust. Unfortunately, often what happens is
that
the responsible, non-addicted one begins to hope that finally she or he will
get their needs met. They will finally get the reward they have waited for so
long. Their expectations soar. The person newly in recovery can barely get
dressed in the morning, let alone meet anyone else's needs. Long buried rage
from
the long suffering one, and confused rage from the recovering one flare into
arguments, and often separation.

But there is hope. Here are ten rules for living together in recovery. They
are not guarantees, but they can help both of you find out if you do have a
viable relationship, and prevent you from killing each other during that
discovery process.

RULE #1 You cannot change anyone else.

Give up thinking that, if only she or he stopped doing this or that, then you
would be happy. It is not true. You can do nothing to control, manipulate or
coerce another person to acting in a way you think should make you happy.
Simply give it up. No blaming.

RULE #2 You can change your behavior.

Your emotions, reactions, thoughts, feelings, all are not really under your
control. But your behavior is, and your behavior is all you are really
responsible for. Change yourself.

RULE #3 -- Changing your behavior, over time, may lead to a change in
attitude.

It is strange how that happens, but some things you thought you could never
stand, seem to lose their importance if you stop feeding them by acting on
them. Don't lose hope.

RULE #4 -- Both of you must go into recovery.

You are not responsible for anyone else's addiction, but if you want this
relationship to have any chance you will have to get specific support. That may
mean therapy (couples and individual) and/or support groups. The two of you are
going to have to learn new ways to communicate, argue, and problem solve
together, and that means you can't do it on your own. Get help.

RULE #5 -- Your childhood wasn't as rosy as you fool yourself into thinking
it was.

Everyone learned some dysfunctional ways of relating from their parents.
These old beliefs are entrenched, and very hard to change. That is why you need
feedback from people other than your partner, or your family. Too often you are
reacting just the way your mother or father taught you to react. Learn the
truth.

RULE #6 -- You need to learn how to stand up for your truth in a way which
will not degrade, humiliate, put down, or attack another person.

You do this by owning all your thoughts, feelings, and reactions as your own,
not as something caused by someone else. Don't shame others.

RULE #7 -- Count to twenty before you explode.

Then, just before you let fire, ask yourself if you might not get further
with this issue if you didn't first talk it out with a third party, before
destroying the planet of your partner. Hold back

RULE #8 -- Try using the phrase "I interpret what you are doing as..." rather
than the old stand by, "You make me feel. . . ".

So, "You made me so mad when you slammed the door!" becomes, " I got so mad
when you slammed the door because I interpreted that to mean that you were
pissed off at me!". Your partner can respond," Yes I was mad at you!", or can
respond, " Hey, the wind blew the door closed!" Own your feelings.

RULE #9 -- You have very strong emotions in two circumstances. Either you are
being truly, strongly abused by someone else, or you are painting the face of
a previous abuser onto the face of the person you are with.

This is called projection and it is the primary cause of divorce. If you are
in clear danger, either get away, or at the very least get some professional
counseling. But if you are not in real danger, but keep getting furious at
every little thing she or he does, entertain the possibility that you are
projecting the face of a parent, or old partner onto your present companion.
Just
entertain the idea that it may not be all their fault. Talk about it with some
uninvolved people. Check it out.

RULE #10 -- Take care of your body.

Eat healthy, exercise moderately, soak in a bath, get a massage, be gentle
with yourself. This is a highly stressful time for both partners. So don't try
to be perfect, just try to be a loving parent to yourself. Be gentle with
yourself.


Example: She drives you crazy when she leaves the top off the toothpaste. You
have tried criticisms, nagging, strategic notes, and hiding her toothbrush.
Nothing has changed her behavior.

(Rule #1). You stop saying anything about the top.

(Rule #2). It is very frustrating.

(Rule #9). You look at your anger, in therapy, and in a self help group.

(Rule #4). You become aware how extreme your reaction is to this trifling
detail. In looking at your own childhood you discover how important it was to
keep everything orderly. Without order the top would fly off the family, and
someone would explode. So you learned as a child that order was a matter of
survival.

(Rule #5). You realize that you got angry at that toothpaste top because mess
makes you a little scared. Understanding that, you are more cautious about
which issues you will make a stand on. Anger does stress you out.

(Rule #10). The toothpaste top is not that important.

(Rule #3). But that doesn't mean that there are not cleaning issues which
need to be addressed. Leaving her cloths all over the bedroom floor when she
walks in, that is an issue which the two of you are going to have to work
out.(Rules #6,7,8)


[The above was adapted from an article by David Skibbins]

~~~

Codependency Resources

Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie A good place to begin reading.

Beyond Codependency, by Melody Beattie A sequel to Codependent No More.

The Language of Letting Go, by Melody Beattie A book of daily stories about
codependence.

The Family: A New Way of Creating Solid-Self Esteem, by John Bradshaw A good
book about emotional abuse that addresses the question, There was no alcohol
or drugs or mental illness in my family of origin, so why am I so mixed up?
This updated version of the original title also addresses how families and
individuals can get healing from dysfunction.

Breaking Free, by Pia Mellody and Andrea Wells Miller A recovery workbook for
Facing Codependence.

Facing Codependence, by Pia Mellody with Andrea Wells Miller and J. Keith
Miller What codependency is, where it comes from, and how it sabotages our
lives.

Family Secrets and Shame

Family Secrets: The Path to Self-Acceptance and Reunion, by John Bradshaw
Explains how secrets within families can so powerfully influence individuals'
lives.

Healing the Shame That Binds You, by John Bradshaw A revealing look at how
toxic shame can lead to many types of very serious individual and familial
problems.

Adult Children - The Secrets of Dysfunctional Families, by John and Linda
Friel Covers how persons who did not grow up in alcoholic familes can still
develop many types of codependent issues.

Inner Child

Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child, by John Bradshaw
Using procedures from his workshops, the author shows how to reparent wounds to
one's core self in order to heal.

Healing the Child Within, by Charles L. Whitfield (with a related workbook)

~~~

Rowland Croucher

July 2001.

Note: I am indebted to many sources for this material - some of them
mislaid/forgotten. If any recognition/permission is needed to reproduce original
material, that will be glady acknowledged.

© John Mark Ministries. Articles may be reproduced in any medium, without
applying for permission (provided they are unedited, and retain the original
author/copyright information - and perhaps a reference to this website :-)!

http://www.pastornet.net.au/jmm/articles/5228.htm









HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

"A truly rich man is one whose children run into his arms when his hands are
empty."
- Unknown


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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Facing Codependence : What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our
Lives
by Pia Mellody

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0062505890/templeofwisdo-20


Breaking Free : A Recovery Handbook for Facing Codependence
by Pia Mellody

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0062505904/templeofwisdo-20


Facing Love Addiction : Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love
by Pia Mellody

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0062506048/templeofwisdo-20




HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

"A truly rich man is one whose children run into his arms when his hands are
empty."
- Unknown


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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

How to Break Your Addiction to a Person: When and Why Love Doesn't Work, and
What to Do About It by Howard Halpern

  http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0553260057/templeofwisdo-20

From the Publisher
Are you in love--or addicted? How to know when to call it quits...and how to
find the courage to call it quits.

Are you unable to leave a love relationship even though it gives you more
pain than joy? Your judgment and self-respect tell you to end it, but still, to
your dismay, you hang on. You are addicted--to a person. Now there is an
insightful, step-by-step guide to breaking that addiction--and surviving the
split.
Drawing on dozens of provocative case histories, psychotherapist Howard
Helpern explains to you:

Why and how you may try to deceive yourself. ("He really loves me, he just
doesn't know how to show it.")

Why you can get addicted to a person.

How you can recognize the symptoms of a bad relationship.

How to deal with the power moves and guilt trips your partner uses to hold
you.

Why strong feelings of jealousy do not mean you are "in love."

How to get through the agonizing breakup period--without going back.

How not to get caught in such a painful relationship again.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-

Spotlight Reviews

  A Keeper to read again & again, June 3, 2001
  Reviewer: ginazone (see more about me) from Glens Falls, NY United States
I first devoured this book about 9 years ago & it saved my life, literally! I
could not leave a very sick abusive man, even though I was terrified of him,
even when he degraded me, even when it made my hate myself & feel disgusted at
my seeming powerlessness to leave. This book SAVED my LIFE! I was able to
break my lifelong patterns of choosing women haters, violent batterers, charming
seductive snakes whose only goal was to drive me insane & break me in pieces
emotionally until I had NO self-worth, self-respect, NO SELF at all left. Why
do we stay hooked in harmful relationships? It's not always physically abusive,
sometimes they are emotionally & verbally abusive to the point that you no
longer know what is real. You want so badly to believe the lies & excuses, hold
onto the hope that your lover will change if you just love them enough, I know
he really loves me, she/he's just having a bad day, etc. If you've ever been
in any type of relationship that you knew or suspected was harmful but STILL
could NOT leave, you know the shattering pain of addiction to a person.

This book tells one how they became addicted & why, how to recognize a bad
relationship, how to deal with the power & guilt trips your partner uses to keep
you hooked, that jealousy & possessiveness do NOT mean love, how to get
through the breakup without going back, & how to break this pattern for good! I
could have gone through years of expensive therapy & still not received the
exact
help or understanding that I needed to set myself free from addictive
relationships. I just bought a new copy of the book--it is timeless, worth much
more
than the cover price of...(therapy could cost thousands, take years & have
less results). I recommend getting at least 2 because you won't want to share &
we always know at least one person trapped in addictive relationships. You're
worth it, right? :-)


  This book saved my life, January 14, 2003
  Reviewer: A reader from New Orleans
I was in a deep depression over fear of losing someone I loved. I have always
been anxious and upset about people leaving me. When I felt like I was going
to die, I bought this book in hopes of helping me get over feeling so
rejected. It really saved my life. It made me realize once and for all why my
relationships consistently dont work out even when they seem right. It gave me
clear,
concise and helpful activities and exercises to do everyday that helped me
recover from needing someone so badly. It helped me feel more independent, in
control and confident in my life. It helped me to understand why I am the way I
am and it used very specific behavioral conditioning to help me change that.
This book is not an easy way out. It is not a quick fix for your life. It tells
the truth and provides a clear plan that you would implement over a period of
time to help you to stop depending on and needing people. It takes work and
dedication but it is worth every ounce of self confidence and independence you
will feel after getting over your addiction. Helpful for both those who are in
an addictive relationship and those who have just left one.




HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

"A truly rich man is one whose children run into his arms when his hands are
empty."
- Unknown


Verbal Abuse: AZTerri's Quick Reference Guide
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Ten differences between being a martyr or a victim?

1. Martyrs are people who recognize they are being taken advantage of and
choose to remain in the situation.

Victims are people who are taken advantage of but are unaware of being
treated as such. Once victims recognize that they are being treated unfairly,
they
have the choice of remaining in the situation or not. If they stay, they risk
becoming martyrs.


2. Martyrs are those who recognize that their rights are ignored and abused
but choose to remain in the situation and continue to be treated this way.

Victims are individuals whose rights are ignored and abused but were unaware
that they would be treated in this manner before they entered the situation,
and once they are aware of what is transpiring they seek a way out of the
situation.


3. Martyrs are people who let others know on a frequent basis how unfairly
they are being treated but choose to remain in this unfair position.

Victims often suffer silently for long periods of time before they are able
to verbalize the unfairness of their life situations.


4. Martyrs often knowingly continue to enable or set up situations in which
their rights are violated or ignored. This "setting up'' is like a prediction
or prophecy of failure into which, consciously or unconsciously, the martyrs
play, fulfilling the prophecy.

Victims often unknowingly set themselves up for continued abuse and violation
of their rights. They are often confused and bewildered as to why this
occurs. They lack insight into the actions that bring on this abuse (such as
poor
boundaries).


5. Martyrs often seek sympathy for their plight. They seek support, advice,
and help from others. Yet they seem stuck in their current course of action and
seem to be unable to resolve it.

Victims frequently never seek help. They are often frustrated and lost as to
what needs to be done to get them out of their current situation. Once victims
have been offered help and make a conscious choice to remain stuck in their
situation, they become martyrs.


6. Martyrs frequently let the people whom they feel are taking advantage of
them know how badly they are being treated. Martyrs often resort to badgering,
nagging, scolding, threatening, belittling, antagonizing, and verbally putting
down those whom they perceive to be taking advantage of them.

Victims rarely let the people who are taking advantage of them know how they
feel about this treatment. 


7. Martyrs often believe it is their obligation to remain in their position
in life. They would feel guilty if they let go of the current situation. They
fear taking the risk to change the situation. They are apparently comfortable,
habituated, submissive, or thrive on the situation and believe a change would
be worse for them and for the others in their lives.

Victims often want a change and are desperate for a solution to their
situation. As soon as a victim gives in to a situation, choosing not to resolve
or
correct it, they become martyrs. The saying, "If you are not part of the
solution, you are part of the problem,'' applies to the martyr's state in life.


8. Martyrs have a story line which is stereotypic and habitual. They rarely
change their tales of woe. One can meet them several years later and find them
still suffering from the fate they were experiencing when you last talked to
them.

Victims experience their plight temporarily, get help, and are more apt to
get out of the situation. If after getting help and changing, victims experience
the same problems later, they could be martyrs at that time.


9. Martyrs often mask their behavior with an aura of willingness and desire
for behavioral change in their lives. Usually they are only fooling themselves,
since the others in their lives can see by their behavior and attitude that
there is no possibility of change.

Victims usually are open and honest about their discomfort and willingly seek
behavioral change. Their sincerity is easily perceived by others due to the
actions and behavioral changes that take place.


10. Martyrs are "professional'' help seekers. They make the rounds of paid
and volunteer helpers, advice givers, counselors, consultants, anyone willing to
listen to their tale of woe. Unfortunately, they usually ignore the
assistance, advice, or direction they are given. This frequently results in
their
"helpers'' giving up on them in frustration and discouragement.

Victims, on the other hand, seek help in a "crisis'' only after the pressure
of their problems becomes too great for them to bear. They are highly
motivated for a "change'' and are rewarding people to work with as they and
their
helpers witness the benefits of the help, advice, and direction given.



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Inner Child/Codependency Recovery Links - Suite101.com

http://www.suite101.com/links.cfm/codependency_recovery


Inner Child Healing - a path to freedom, serenity, and empowerment by Robert
Burney

http://www.joy2meu.com/Innerchildhealing.html


Also...

Check out Mr. Robert Burney's website:

http://Joy2MeU.com


My Autobiography:

Spiritual Teacher and Codependence Therapist Robert Burney, whose work has
been compared to John Bradshaw's "except much more spiritual" and described as
"taking inner child healing to a new level," has developed innovative, powerful
techniques and tools for emotional healing and Spiritual integration. Robert,
whose work is based upon Twelve Step Recovery Principles, specializes in
teaching individuals how to become empowered by having internal boundaries so
they
can learn to relax and enjoy life while healing. His belief is that we are
Spiritual Beings having a human experience and that the key to enjoying life is
awakening to consciousness of our True Spiritual Nature and then integrating
that Loving Truth into our relationships with self and with life. He believes
that Codependency (i.e. outer or external dependence) is The Human Condition
and that we have now entered a new Age of Healing and Joy in which it is
possible to heal the planet through healing our relationships with our selves.






You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe,
deserve your love and affection. -Buddha


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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Is it Love or is it Addiction?

http://loveaddiction.com/LoveAddiction.CFM




Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who mind don't matter,
  and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

How to Break Your Addiction to a Person : When and Why Love Doesn't Work, and
What to Do About It
by Howard Halpern (Author)

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0553260057/templeofwisdo-20


A Keeper to read again & again, June 3, 2001

  Reviewer: ginazone (see more about me) from Glens Falls, NY United States

I first devoured this book about 9 years ago & it saved my life, literally! I
could not leave a very sick abusive man, even though I was terrified of him,
even when he degraded me, even when it made my hate myself & feel disgusted at
my seeming powerlessness to leave. This book SAVED my LIFE! I was able to
break my lifelong patterns of choosing women haters, violent batterers, charming
seductive snakes whose only goal was to drive me insane & break me in pieces
emotionally until I had NO self-worth, self-respect, NO SELF at all left.

Why do we stay hooked in harmful relationships? It's not always physically
abusive, sometimes they are emotionally & verbally abusive to the point that you
no longer know what is real. You want so badly to believe the lies & excuses,
hold onto the hope that your lover will change if you just love them enough,
I know he really loves me, she/he's just having a bad day, etc. If you've ever
been in any type of relationship that you knew or suspected was harmful but
STILL could NOT leave, you know the shattering pain of addiction to a person.

This book tells one how they became addicted & why, how to recognize a bad
relationship, how to deal with the power & guilt trips your partner uses to keep
you hooked, that jealousy & possessiveness do NOT mean love, how to get
through the breakup without going back, & how to break this pattern for good! I
could have gone through years of expensive therapy & still not received the
exact
help or understanding that I needed to set myself free from addictive
relationships.

I just bought a new copy of the book--it is timeless, worth much more than
the cover price of...(therapy could cost thousands, take years & have less
results). I recommend getting at least 2 because you won't want to share & we
always know at least one person trapped in addictive relationships. You're worth
it, right? :-)

Editorial Reviews

From the Publisher

Are you in love--or addicted? How to know when to call it quits...and how to
find the courage to call it quits.

Are you unable to leave a love relationship even though it gives you more
pain than joy? Your judgment and self-respect tell you to end it, but still, to
your dismay, you hang on?

You are addicted--to a person.

Now there is an insightful, step-by-step guide to breaking that
addiction--and surviving the split. Drawing on dozens of provocative case
histories,
psychotherapist Howard Helpern explains to you:

Why you can get addicted to a person.

Why and how you may try to deceive yourself. ("He really loves me, he just
doesn't know how to show it.")

How you can recognize the symptoms of a bad relationship.

How to deal with the power moves and guilt trips your partner uses to hold
you.

Why strong feelings of jealousy do not mean you are "in love."

How to get through the agonizing breakup period--without going back.How not
to get caught in such a painful relationship again.


Inside Flap Copy
Are you in love--or addicted? How to know when to call it quits...and how to
find the courage to call it quits.


http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0553260057/templeofwisdo-20




Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who mind don't matter,
  and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for
Yourself by Melody Beattie

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0894864025/templeofwisdo-20


Reviewer: Andrew Parodi (see more about me) from Gervais, Oregon United
States

CODEPENDENT NO MORE is the book that introduced the word "codependent" to the
world, and it is the book that set me on my road to recovery (when I was only
17). I don't know where I would be without this book. Indeed, the insights
this book offered me and the hope it gave me was revolutionary for that time in
my life.

So, what exactly *is* a codependent, you ask? Well, Melody defines a
codependent as someone who believes that their happiness comes from one specific
person, and then they become obsessed with controlling that person. Melody also
describes that many codependents get jolts of self-esteem by "rescuing" people,
but that the self-esteem can often turn to resentment and blame due to the
stress of being burdened by others' problems. Sometimes abuse, alcohol and other
addictions are involved in these situations and relationships, sometimes they
aren't.

Looking back, I see that CODEPENDENT NO MORE set me on the road to my current
spiritual path, the self-study book about spiritual psychotherapy called A
COURSE IN MIRACLES. The Course says that our only real problem is the belief in
the "separation from God." The Course says that we make many "special
relationships" as substitutes for God. In many ways, the two concepts -
"codependent"
and "special relationship" - are very similar, and they both have a similar
cure: the acceptance of God as our only security.

Soon after finding CODEPENDENT NO MORE, I wrote Melody Beattie a letter of
thanks for the inspiration. She kindly replied, and gave me information I had
requested. So, this book is a landmark in my life.


Reviewer: A reader from Santa Fe, NM

A friend gave this book to me many years ago and I never read it until just
recently. I feel like I have been blown out of the water since reading this
book. This book forces you to look at yourself and your relationship in a new
way
and once you see what is really going on, you have no choice but to change
your life. It is painful at first but you know that it is the only way to the
next step in your development. If you are ready to take a step out of
codependence, this book is a treasure.


Reviewer: Mary Lynn Towns from ga

CODEPENDENT NO MORE is the best self help book I have ever read. It gives a
clear insight on how to deal with all types of feelings such as fear, despair,
depression, and anger. First the book reveals how to process these feelings
rather than deny them and then how to move on to feelings like love, joy,
fulfillment, and just feeling okay about yourself in general by giving your life
a
new spiritual meaning. This book also promotes a healthy relationship with
yourself and others by teaching the reader how to take care of himself/herself
and
create happiness rather than attempting to achieve martyrdom by resenting and
controlling others which ultimately manifests into depression and anger.

In her private life, the author has moved from an alcoholic and drug addict,
a rape victim, a prostitute/stripper, and finally a welfare recipient to a
well adjusted best-selling author and a spiritual advisor. Her life itself is a
miracle. She has a way of passing the magic and the spiritual techniques that
she used to transform her own life to the lives of her readers. I have read all
of her books and I recommend them all. I read her meditation book THE
LANGUAGE OF LETTING GO daily with my morning coffee. CODEPENDENT NO MORE is a
wonderful book...I couldn't put it down, because I kept relating my own behavior
and
the kind of life I wanted to live to every page...You'll love it.


Reviewer: A reader from Los Angeles, CA

I was going through one relationship after another and blaming the other
person every time it ended. After reading this book, I realized that I play just
an important part in the relationship as the other person and I need to take
responsibility for that part. Not only that, this book made me realize that I
can only take control of that part (myself). Since then, I am proud to say that
I feel happier and more mature as a person and am currently in a wonderful
relationship. Don't get me wrong, this book is not a quick fix. We don't change
overnight, but it puts our selves and our relationships in perspective and
helps us get on the right track to recover. I am now using another fascinating
book called "Rhythm, Relationships, and Transcendence" by Toru Sato that is
helping me develop further. It is also a wonderfully helpful book! I'd recommend
both books to anyone ready to face themselves and begin the adventure by
stepping outside of their cocoon.


Reviewer: Shana Moloso (see more about me) from Quincy, WA USA

I read a review on here that said calling codependency "a progressive disease
which can eventually lead to death is absolutely ludicrous, sky-high
rhetoric." I am glad this reviewer has never felt the overwhelming depression
and
despair of codependency that can lead to thoughts of suicide but I am here to
tell
you that I have felt it and this book did save my life. Fortunately, I read
it at a time when I needed it most. For anyone to say that you just need to
"get a life" or grow up, they are obviously not people who need this book.

If you feel that you are constantly going in circles trying to please
everyone in your life, this is the book for you. If you feel that you are not
"good
enough" to be around other people, this book is for you. Even if you are not
surrounded by chemically-dependent people you can still be codependent.

I read this book for the first time about 12 years ago. I have bought and
given away many copies and don't even own my own copy at this point. Getting
past
being a people-pleaser does not make you nasty or selfish or an egomaniac.
Instead it allows you to give of yourself fully to those things that YOU want to
give fully to. You learn to say yes to what you really want to do instead of
being a doormat who can never say no because it just isn't nice.

Read this book for yourself. Please don't let the naysayers persuade you
against this book. You don't have to be a fan of 12-step programs to read this
book. I tried that route and it did not work for me but this book did. Good luck
to everyone becoming the person you were meant to be!


Reviewer: A reader from TX United States

Many books have been written on growing up in an alcoholic or otherwise
destructive house. While it is important as a first step to know how some of our
bad habits and attitudes get developed (the "why"), it is CRITICAL to know the
"how": how can we recognize them in ourselves, to challenge our faulty
thinking, to implement healthy strategies for interacting with others (and
ourselves).
This book is fantastic in the whys and the hows. I suspect many of you who
read it will say things out loud as you read as I did, such as "Yes!", "So
true!", etc. when you see yourself in the descriptions she gives. I was so
impressed with this book, immediately after I finished it I ordered "The
Language of
Letting Go": daily readings to help stay on the right track. I have gone to
counseling, read books on cognitive therapy and several other self-help books,
but this book is by far the most helpful. I finally GET IT: I didn't know I was
codependent. This book helped me diagnose it, then provided prescriptions to
facilitate recovery. Ready to change? Get this book.


Reviewer: A reader from Santa Fe, NM

This book changed my life. I was in a relationship that was very unhealthy
and was frantically looking for help. I looked all over the place and this book
was the first book that really came to the rescue. It makes you look inside of
yourself and this can be very painful at first because we all contribute to
the quality of our relationships whether they are healthy or unhealthy. But it
also helped me out of this bad relationship pattern and I am very grateful for
that. I recently came across another book that is very enlightening. It takes
this idea on relationships and relates it to transpersonal psychology. It is
called "Rhythm, Relationships, and Transcendence" and is written by Toru Sato.
I would highly recommend it if you are interested in understanding
relationships and personal growth.


Reviewer: Brad R. Torgersen (see more about me) from Seattle, WA United
States

So far as I can tell, very few people could ever read this book without
taking something positive away from it. And you don't have to be the product of
a
broken home, child abuse, neglect, or other serious trauma to see how the
machinery of codependency tweaks your life; always for the worse.

Having read other peoples' reviews, I'm not sure where some of the negative
"cult" comments come from. But I do know that I am halfway through this book
and I am very impressed. I'm not from an abusive, alcoholic, or otherwise
chemically shattered family. I have good parents and I had a good childhood.
Just
the same, even good parents and a good childhood are no guarantee against
developing unhealthy relationship habits, as well as damaging internal emotional
processes.

If you're like me, you shy away from "self help" literature because it all
seems way too touchy-feely. I don't see myself as a victim, and I refuse to
adopt the victim mentality. But nobody gives parents a rule book on setting
healthy emotional boundaries with their kids, and kids that grow up in a home
without healthy emotional boundaries become adults without healthy emotional
boundaries. This can really get you into trouble when you start trying to form a
family of your own, and is the reason why I sought out this book with urgency.

Does it seem like your hapiness is too connected to how other people live
their lives? Do you get really upset and depressed because those whom you love
engage in behavior you see as risky or damaging? Feel powerless to stop your
loved one from using or abusing mind altering substances? Tired of always
feeling
like "the bad guy" when you're just trying to get your partner to "be good"?
Has your own social circle dwindled or vanished, so that now only your partner
and his/her friends are 'your' social group? Would you like to know why it's
so hard to get out of bed every morning, and why you spend so much time
worrying about that certain person in your life, while worrying too little about
yourself?

Codependency is not a catch-all problem, nor is it remedied over night. But
I'd dare say that at least half or more of American adults--indeed adults
across the entire world--struggle with some form of codependent behavior. And if
you want a deeper insight into this problem, what it is, what it is not, and how
it messes with your life, then read this book, and gain strength from
understanding.





Divorce is like a root canal:
never wanted, sometimes needed and expensive as heck...


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<A
HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1567310001/qid=1070222531/sr\
=1-1/ref=sr_1_1/104-3111876-1297543?v=glance&s=books">How to Break Your
Addiction to a Person</A>

Reader Review:

A Keeper to read again & again, June 3, 2001

Reviewer: ginazone (see more about me) from Queensbury, NY United States

I first devoured this book about 9 years ago & it saved my life, literally! I
could not leave a very sick abusive man, even though I was terrified of him,
even when he degraded me, even when it made my hate myself & feel disgusted at
my seeming powerlessness to leave. This book SAVED my LIFE! I was able to
break my lifelong patterns of choosing women haters, violent batterers, charming
seductive snakes whose only goal was to drive me insane & break me in pieces
emotionally until I had NO self-worth, self-respect, NO SELF at all left.

Why do we stay hooked in harmful relationships? It's not always physically
abusive, sometimes they are emotionally & verbally abusive to the point that you
no longer know what is real. You want so badly to believe the lies & excuses,
hold onto the hope that your lover will change if you just love them enough,
I know he really loves me, she/he's just having a bad day, etc. If you've ever
been in any type of relationship that you knew or suspected was harmful but
STILL could NOT leave, you know the shattering pain of addiction to a person.

This book tells one how they became addicted & why, how to recognize a bad
relationship, how to deal with the power & guilt trips your partner uses to keep
you hooked, that jealousy & possessiveness do NOT mean love, how to get
through the breakup without going back, & how to break this pattern for good! I
could have gone through years of expensive therapy & still not received the
exact
help or understanding that I needed to set myself free from addictive
relationships.

I just bought a new copy of the book--it is timeless, worth much more than
the cover price of...(therapy could cost thousands, take years & have less
results). I recommend getting at least 2 because you won't want to share & we
always know at least one person trapped in addictive relationships. You're worth
it, right? :-)

Editorial Reviews

From the Publisher

Are you in love--or addicted? How to know when to call it quits...and how to
find the courage to call it quits.

Are you unable to leave a love relationship even though it gives you more
pain than joy? Your judgment and self-respect tell you to end it, but still, to
your dismay, you hang on. You are addicted--to a person. Now there is an
insightful, step-by-step guide to breaking that addiction--and surviving the
split.
Drawing on dozens of provocative case histories, psychotherapist Howard
Helpern explains to you:

Why you can get addicted to a person.

Why and how you may try to deceive yourself. ("He really loves me, he just
doesn't know how to show it.")

How you can recognize the symptoms of a bad relationship.

How to deal with the power moves and guilt trips your partner uses to hold
you.

Why strong feelings of jealousy do not mean you are "in love."

How to get through the agonizing breakup period--without going back.

How not to get caught in such a painful relationship again.



[Unable to display image]

Oh! You better watch out,
You better not cry,
You better not pout,
I'm telling you why:
Santa Claus is coming to town!


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<A
HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0785275304/qid=1070221412/sr\
=1-9/ref=sr_1_9/104-3111876-1297543?v=glance&s=books">Books: Love Is A Choice
Breaking The Cycle Of Addictive Relationships</A>


Book Description

These bestselling doctors walk you through their ten proven stages to
recovery from codependency that results from external circustances. Humans are
susceptible to codependency because of our sinful tendency to use defense
mechanisms
to fool ourselves. In codependent relationships, deceitful games are played,
and important Christian principles are often taken out of context and abused.
God wants us to have healthy relationships with a balance between being
dependent and independent. The doctors describe how the most effective means of
overcoming codependent relationships is to establish or deepen a relationship
with
Christ Himself. They describe the causes of codependency, pointing out the
factors that perpetuate it, and lead readers through their ten stages of
recovery.



[Unable to display image]

Oh! You better watch out,
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I'm telling you why:
Santa Claus is coming to town!


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<A HREF="http://www.ncfliving.org/bk_126_codependency2.htm">Overcoming
Codependency (Including Christian Perspective)</A>



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Classic Codependent Couple

Each of us has our own spectrum of behavioral defenses to protect us from
fear of intimacy.  We can be codependent in one relationship and
counterdependent
in another - or we can swing from co to counter - within the same
relationship.


CODEPENDENT

Come here

Fear of abandonment issues

*People pleasing, gentle, nice & kind - sometimes seems pathetic and weak

*Avoids conflict, can't own anger - sets self up to be victim because of not
having boundaries (feels unfairly unappreciated or shamefully unlovable)

Able to be emotionally vulnerable but often in manipulative way (cries
instead of expressing anger)

When afraid that abandonment is happening can get needy and clingy - beg,
grovel, abandon self completely

Terror of intimacy causes them to pick unavailable people (don't believe they
truly deserve someone available and loving)

Sees setting boundaries as being controlling

Sometimes calls childish clinging love

*(passively controlling & manipulative)



COUNTERDEPENDENT

Go away

Fear of being taken hostage, of being smothered

*Tough, strong and independent - sometimes seems abrasive, abusive, and cold

*Uses anger as shield, has walls instead of boundaries - often overreacts
then isolates in shame (feels like "bitch"/"bastard" etc.)

Terrified of being emotionally vulnerable - feels life threatening (to be
"weak" "wimpy" "needy")

Is terrified of needy, clingy part of self so reacts to perceived neediness
by being cold, mean

Terror of intimacy causes them to be unavailable, to run from someone who
loves them - often feel that they are incapable of loving

Sometimes uses setting boundaries as way of controlling

Sometimes sees caring as being clingy

*(aggressively controlling & manipulative)



[Unable to display image]

Oh! You better watch out,
You better not cry,
You better not pout,
I'm telling you why:
Santa Claus is coming to town!


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Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring
kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth
and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer
a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer
and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?....What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young
Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he
accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He
returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests,
the
wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could
give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old
witch,
for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch
was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the
witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her
price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the
Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one
tooth, smelled like sewerage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered
such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to
marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the
proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared
to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question
thus: What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own
life. Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great
truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was, the neighboring
monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful
wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific
experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most
beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay before him on the bed. The astounded
Lancelot
asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to
her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible
deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which
would he prefer?

Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show
off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch?
Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a
beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down
below. OKAY?

















Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question,
said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she
announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her
enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?

The moral is.....

If you don't let a woman have her own way....things are going to get ugly!



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I'm telling you why:
Santa Claus is coming to town!


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<A HREF="http://www.joy2meu.com/obsessive_thinking.htm">Obsession / Obsessive
Thinking Part 1</A>

  <A HREF="http://www.joy2meu.com/Obsession_2.htm">Obsession / Obsessive Thinking
Part 2</A>


May your stuffing be tasty,
and your turkey be plump.
May your potatoes and gravy
have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious,
and your pies take the prize.
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
stay off your thighs!
-Unknown


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<A
HREF="http://www.loveandaddiction.com/pages.cfm?Section=2003&PageName=LoveAddict\
ion">http://www.loveandaddiction.com/pages.cfm?Section=2003&PageName=LoveAddicti\
on</A>



May your stuffing be tasty,
and your turkey be plump.
May your potatoes and gravy
have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious,
and your pies take the prize.
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
stay off your thighs!
-Unknown


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