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#2489

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Sat May 15, 2004 12:04 am
Subject: Ten differences between being a martyr or a victim?

arizona_terri

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Ten differences between being a martyr or a victim?

1. Martyrs are people who recognize they are being taken advantage of and
choose to remain in the situation.

Victims are people who are taken advantage of but are unaware of being
treated as such. Once victims recognize that they are being treated unfairly,
they
have the choice of remaining in the situation or not. If they stay, they risk
becoming martyrs.


2. Martyrs are those who recognize that their rights are ignored and abused
but choose to remain in the situation and continue to be treated this way.

Victims are individuals whose rights are ignored and abused but were unaware
that they would be treated in this manner before they entered the situation,
and once they are aware of what is transpiring they seek a way out of the
situation.


3. Martyrs are people who let others know on a frequent basis how unfairly
they are being treated but choose to remain in this unfair position.

Victims often suffer silently for long periods of time before they are able
to verbalize the unfairness of their life situations.


4. Martyrs often knowingly continue to enable or set up situations in which
their rights are violated or ignored. This "setting up'' is like a prediction
or prophecy of failure into which, consciously or unconsciously, the martyrs
play, fulfilling the prophecy.

Victims often unknowingly set themselves up for continued abuse and violation
of their rights. They are often confused and bewildered as to why this
occurs. They lack insight into the actions that bring on this abuse (such as
poor
boundaries).


5. Martyrs often seek sympathy for their plight. They seek support, advice,
and help from others. Yet they seem stuck in their current course of action and
seem to be unable to resolve it.

Victims frequently never seek help. They are often frustrated and lost as to
what needs to be done to get them out of their current situation. Once victims
have been offered help and make a conscious choice to remain stuck in their
situation, they become martyrs.


6. Martyrs frequently let the people whom they feel are taking advantage of
them know how badly they are being treated. Martyrs often resort to badgering,
nagging, scolding, threatening, belittling, antagonizing, and verbally putting
down those whom they perceive to be taking advantage of them.

Victims rarely let the people who are taking advantage of them know how they
feel about this treatment.�


7. Martyrs often believe it is their obligation to remain in their position
in life. They would feel guilty if they let go of the current situation. They
fear taking the risk to change the situation. They are apparently comfortable,
habituated, submissive, or thrive on the situation and believe a change would
be worse for them and for the others in their lives.

Victims often want a change and are desperate for a solution to their
situation. As soon as a victim gives in to a situation, choosing not to resolve
or
correct it, they become martyrs. The saying, "If you are not part of the
solution, you are part of the problem,'' applies to the martyr's state in life.


8. Martyrs have a story line which is stereotypic and habitual. They rarely
change their tales of woe. One can meet them several years later and find them
still suffering from the fate they were experiencing when you last talked to
them.

Victims experience their plight temporarily, get help, and are more apt to
get out of the situation. If after getting help and changing, victims experience
the same problems later, they could be martyrs at that time.


9. Martyrs often mask their behavior with an aura of willingness and desire
for behavioral change in their lives. Usually they are only fooling themselves,
since the others in their lives can see by their behavior and attitude that
there is no possibility of change.

Victims usually are open and honest about their discomfort and willingly seek
behavioral change. Their sincerity is easily perceived by others due to the
actions and behavioral changes that take place.


10. Martyrs are "professional'' help seekers. They make the rounds of paid
and volunteer helpers, advice givers, counselors, consultants, anyone willing to
listen to their tale of woe. Unfortunately, they usually ignore the
assistance, advice, or direction they are given. This frequently results in
their
"helpers'' giving up on them in frustration and discouragement.

Victims, on the other hand, seek help in a "crisis'' only after the pressure
of their problems becomes too great for them to bear. They are highly
motivated for a "change'' and are rewarding people to work with as they and
their
helpers witness the benefits of the help, advice, and direction given.



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

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#2308

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Fri Mar 12, 2004 2:52 pm
Subject: Inner Child/Codependency Recovery Links

arizona_terri

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Inner Child/Codependency Recovery Links - Suite101.com

http://www.suite101.com/links.cfm/codependency_recovery


Inner Child Healing - a path to freedom, serenity, and empowerment by Robert
Burney

http://www.joy2meu.com/Innerchildhealing.html


Also...

Check out Mr. Robert Burney's website:

http://Joy2MeU.com


My Autobiography:

Spiritual Teacher and Codependence Therapist Robert Burney, whose work has
been compared to John Bradshaw's "except much more spiritual" and described as
"taking inner child healing to a new level," has developed innovative, powerful
techniques and tools for emotional healing and Spiritual integration. Robert,
whose work is based upon Twelve Step Recovery Principles, specializes in
teaching individuals how to become empowered by having internal boundaries so
they
can learn to relax and enjoy life while healing. His belief is that we are
Spiritual Beings having a human experience and that the key to enjoying life is
awakening to consciousness of our True Spiritual Nature and then integrating
that Loving Truth into our relationships with self and with life. He believes
that Codependency (i.e. outer or external dependence) is The Human Condition
and that we have now entered a new Age of Healing and Joy in which it is
possible to heal the planet through healing our relationships with our selves.






You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe,
deserve your love and affection. -Buddha


Verbal Abuse: AZTerri's Quick Reference Guide
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/abuser-victim-red-flag-warnings.html


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#2303

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Fri Feb 20, 2004 4:57 pm
Subject: Is it Love or is it Addiction?

arizona_terri

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Is it Love or is it Addiction?

http://loveaddiction.com/LoveAddiction.CFM




Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who mind don't matter,
  and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


AZTerri Profile
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


EVA Homesite
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents






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#2302

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Fri Feb 20, 2004 4:54 pm
Subject: Break Your Addiction to a Person

arizona_terri

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How to Break Your Addiction to a Person : When and Why Love Doesn't Work, and
What to Do About It
by Howard Halpern (Author)

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0553260057/templeofwisdo-20


A Keeper to read again & again, June 3, 2001

  Reviewer: ginazone (see more about me) from Glens Falls, NY United States

I first devoured this book about 9 years ago & it saved my life, literally! I
could not leave a very sick abusive man, even though I was terrified of him,
even when he degraded me, even when it made my hate myself & feel disgusted at
my seeming powerlessness to leave. This book SAVED my LIFE! I was able to
break my lifelong patterns of choosing women haters, violent batterers, charming
seductive snakes whose only goal was to drive me insane & break me in pieces
emotionally until I had NO self-worth, self-respect, NO SELF at all left.

Why do we stay hooked in harmful relationships? It's not always physically
abusive, sometimes they are emotionally & verbally abusive to the point that you
no longer know what is real. You want so badly to believe the lies & excuses,
hold onto the hope that your lover will change if you just love them enough,
I know he really loves me, she/he's just having a bad day, etc. If you've ever
been in any type of relationship that you knew or suspected was harmful but
STILL could NOT leave, you know the shattering pain of addiction to a person.

This book tells one how they became addicted & why, how to recognize a bad
relationship, how to deal with the power & guilt trips your partner uses to keep
you hooked, that jealousy & possessiveness do NOT mean love, how to get
through the breakup without going back, & how to break this pattern for good! I
could have gone through years of expensive therapy & still not received the
exact
help or understanding that I needed to set myself free from addictive
relationships.

I just bought a new copy of the book--it is timeless, worth much more than
the cover price of...(therapy could cost thousands, take years & have less
results). I recommend getting at least 2 because you won't want to share & we
always know at least one person trapped in addictive relationships. You're worth
it, right? :-)

Editorial Reviews

From the Publisher

Are you in love--or addicted? How to know when to call it quits...and how to
find the courage to call it quits.

Are you unable to leave a love relationship even though it gives you more
pain than joy? Your judgment and self-respect tell you to end it, but still, to
your dismay, you hang on?

You are addicted--to a person.

Now there is an insightful, step-by-step guide to breaking that
addiction--and surviving the split. Drawing on dozens of provocative case
histories,
psychotherapist Howard Helpern explains to you:

Why you can get addicted to a person.

Why and how you may try to deceive yourself. ("He really loves me, he just
doesn't know how to show it.")

How you can recognize the symptoms of a bad relationship.

How to deal with the power moves and guilt trips your partner uses to hold
you.

Why strong feelings of jealousy do not mean you are "in love."

How to get through the agonizing breakup period--without going back.How not
to get caught in such a painful relationship again.


Inside Flap Copy
Are you in love--or addicted? How to know when to call it quits...and how to
find the courage to call it quits.


http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0553260057/templeofwisdo-20




Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who mind don't matter,
  and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


AZTerri Profile
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


EVA Homesite
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents






































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#2290

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Sat Jan 10, 2004 10:00 pm
Subject: Codependent No More

arizona_terri

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Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for
Yourself by Melody Beattie

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0894864025/templeofwisdo-20


Reviewer: Andrew Parodi (see more about me) from Gervais, Oregon United
States

CODEPENDENT NO MORE is the book that introduced the word "codependent" to the
world, and it is the book that set me on my road to recovery (when I was only
17). I don't know where I would be without this book. Indeed, the insights
this book offered me and the hope it gave me was revolutionary for that time in
my life.

So, what exactly *is* a codependent, you ask? Well, Melody defines a
codependent as someone who believes that their happiness comes from one specific
person, and then they become obsessed with controlling that person. Melody also
describes that many codependents get jolts of self-esteem by "rescuing" people,
but that the self-esteem can often turn to resentment and blame due to the
stress of being burdened by others' problems. Sometimes abuse, alcohol and other
addictions are involved in these situations and relationships, sometimes they
aren't.

Looking back, I see that CODEPENDENT NO MORE set me on the road to my current
spiritual path, the self-study book about spiritual psychotherapy called A
COURSE IN MIRACLES. The Course says that our only real problem is the belief in
the "separation from God." The Course says that we make many "special
relationships" as substitutes for God. In many ways, the two concepts -
"codependent"
and "special relationship" - are very similar, and they both have a similar
cure: the acceptance of God as our only security.

Soon after finding CODEPENDENT NO MORE, I wrote Melody Beattie a letter of
thanks for the inspiration. She kindly replied, and gave me information I had
requested. So, this book is a landmark in my life.


Reviewer: A reader from Santa Fe, NM

A friend gave this book to me many years ago and I never read it until just
recently. I feel like I have been blown out of the water since reading this
book. This book forces you to look at yourself and your relationship in a new
way
and once you see what is really going on, you have no choice but to change
your life. It is painful at first but you know that it is the only way to the
next step in your development. If you are ready to take a step out of
codependence, this book is a treasure.


Reviewer: Mary Lynn Towns from ga

CODEPENDENT NO MORE is the best self help book I have ever read. It gives a
clear insight on how to deal with all types of feelings such as fear, despair,
depression, and anger. First the book reveals how to process these feelings
rather than deny them and then how to move on to feelings like love, joy,
fulfillment, and just feeling okay about yourself in general by giving your life
a
new spiritual meaning. This book also promotes a healthy relationship with
yourself and others by teaching the reader how to take care of himself/herself
and
create happiness rather than attempting to achieve martyrdom by resenting and
controlling others which ultimately manifests into depression and anger.

In her private life, the author has moved from an alcoholic and drug addict,
a rape victim, a prostitute/stripper, and finally a welfare recipient to a
well adjusted best-selling author and a spiritual advisor. Her life itself is a
miracle. She has a way of passing the magic and the spiritual techniques that
she used to transform her own life to the lives of her readers. I have read all
of her books and I recommend them all. I read her meditation book THE
LANGUAGE OF LETTING GO daily with my morning coffee. CODEPENDENT NO MORE is a
wonderful book...I couldn't put it down, because I kept relating my own behavior
and
the kind of life I wanted to live to every page...You'll love it.


Reviewer: A reader from Los Angeles, CA

I was going through one relationship after another and blaming the other
person every time it ended. After reading this book, I realized that I play just
an important part in the relationship as the other person and I need to take
responsibility for that part. Not only that, this book made me realize that I
can only take control of that part (myself). Since then, I am proud to say that
I feel happier and more mature as a person and am currently in a wonderful
relationship. Don't get me wrong, this book is not a quick fix. We don't change
overnight, but it puts our selves and our relationships in perspective and
helps us get on the right track to recover. I am now using another fascinating
book called "Rhythm, Relationships, and Transcendence" by Toru Sato that is
helping me develop further. It is also a wonderfully helpful book! I'd recommend
both books to anyone ready to face themselves and begin the adventure by
stepping outside of their cocoon.


Reviewer: Shana Moloso (see more about me) from Quincy, WA USA

I read a review on here that said calling codependency "a progressive disease
which can eventually lead to death is absolutely ludicrous, sky-high
rhetoric." I am glad this reviewer has never felt the overwhelming depression
and
despair of codependency that can lead to thoughts of suicide but I am here to
tell
you that I have felt it and this book did save my life. Fortunately, I read
it at a time when I needed it most. For anyone to say that you just need to
"get a life" or grow up, they are obviously not people who need this book.

If you feel that you are constantly going in circles trying to please
everyone in your life, this is the book for you. If you feel that you are not
"good
enough" to be around other people, this book is for you. Even if you are not
surrounded by chemically-dependent people you can still be codependent.

I read this book for the first time about 12 years ago. I have bought and
given away many copies and don't even own my own copy at this point. Getting
past
being a people-pleaser does not make you nasty or selfish or an egomaniac.
Instead it allows you to give of yourself fully to those things that YOU want to
give fully to. You learn to say yes to what you really want to do instead of
being a doormat who can never say no because it just isn't nice.

Read this book for yourself. Please don't let the naysayers persuade you
against this book. You don't have to be a fan of 12-step programs to read this
book. I tried that route and it did not work for me but this book did. Good luck
to everyone becoming the person you were meant to be!


Reviewer: A reader from TX United States

Many books have been written on growing up in an alcoholic or otherwise
destructive house. While it is important as a first step to know how some of our
bad habits and attitudes get developed (the "why"), it is CRITICAL to know the
"how": how can we recognize them in ourselves, to challenge our faulty
thinking, to implement healthy strategies for interacting with others (and
ourselves).
This book is fantastic in the whys and the hows. I suspect many of you who
read it will say things out loud as you read as I did, such as "Yes!", "So
true!", etc. when you see yourself in the descriptions she gives. I was so
impressed with this book, immediately after I finished it I ordered "The
Language of
Letting Go": daily readings to help stay on the right track. I have gone to
counseling, read books on cognitive therapy and several other self-help books,
but this book is by far the most helpful. I finally GET IT: I didn't know I was
codependent. This book helped me diagnose it, then provided prescriptions to
facilitate recovery. Ready to change? Get this book.


Reviewer: A reader from Santa Fe, NM

This book changed my life. I was in a relationship that was very unhealthy
and was frantically looking for help. I looked all over the place and this book
was the first book that really came to the rescue. It makes you look inside of
yourself and this can be very painful at first because we all contribute to
the quality of our relationships whether they are healthy or unhealthy. But it
also helped me out of this bad relationship pattern and I am very grateful for
that. I recently came across another book that is very enlightening. It takes
this idea on relationships and relates it to transpersonal psychology. It is
called "Rhythm, Relationships, and Transcendence" and is written by Toru Sato.
I would highly recommend it if you are interested in understanding
relationships and personal growth.


Reviewer: Brad R. Torgersen (see more about me) from Seattle, WA United
States

So far as I can tell, very few people could ever read this book without
taking something positive away from it. And you don't have to be the product of
a
broken home, child abuse, neglect, or other serious trauma to see how the
machinery of codependency tweaks your life; always for the worse.

Having read other peoples' reviews, I'm not sure where some of the negative
"cult" comments come from. But I do know that I am halfway through this book
and I am very impressed. I'm not from an abusive, alcoholic, or otherwise
chemically shattered family. I have good parents and I had a good childhood.
Just
the same, even good parents and a good childhood are no guarantee against
developing unhealthy relationship habits, as well as damaging internal emotional
processes.

If you're like me, you shy away from "self help" literature because it all
seems way too touchy-feely. I don't see myself as a victim, and I refuse to
adopt the victim mentality. But nobody gives parents a rule book on setting
healthy emotional boundaries with their kids, and kids that grow up in a home
without healthy emotional boundaries become adults without healthy emotional
boundaries. This can really get you into trouble when you start trying to form a
family of your own, and is the reason why I sought out this book with urgency.

Does it seem like your hapiness is too connected to how other people live
their lives? Do you get really upset and depressed because those whom you love
engage in behavior you see as risky or damaging? Feel powerless to stop your
loved one from using or abusing mind altering substances? Tired of always
feeling
like "the bad guy" when you're just trying to get your partner to "be good"?
Has your own social circle dwindled or vanished, so that now only your partner
and his/her friends are 'your' social group? Would you like to know why it's
so hard to get out of bed every morning, and why you spend so much time
worrying about that certain person in your life, while worrying too little about
yourself?

Codependency is not a catch-all problem, nor is it remedied over night. But
I'd dare say that at least half or more of American adults--indeed adults
across the entire world--struggle with some form of codependent behavior. And if
you want a deeper insight into this problem, what it is, what it is not, and how
it messes with your life, then read this book, and gain strength from
understanding.





Divorce is like a root canal:
never wanted, sometimes needed and expensive as heck...


AZTerri New Year Profile
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


EVA Homesite
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Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse
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#2276

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Wed Dec 17, 2003 10:20 am
Subject: The Grinch...

arizona_terri

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The Grinch hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be that his head wasn't screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.

GRINCH VIDEO

http://www.everwonder.com/david/grinch/movies/1.rm

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#2270

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Sun Nov 30, 2003 3:09 pm
Subject: How to Break Your Addiction to a Person

arizona_terri

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<A
HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1567310001/qid=1070222531/sr\
=1-1/ref=sr_1_1/104-3111876-1297543?v=glance&s=books">How to Break Your
Addiction to a Person</A>

Reader Review:

A Keeper to read again & again, June 3, 2001

Reviewer: ginazone (see more about me) from Queensbury, NY United States

I first devoured this book about 9 years ago & it saved my life, literally! I
could not leave a very sick abusive man, even though I was terrified of him,
even when he degraded me, even when it made my hate myself & feel disgusted at
my seeming powerlessness to leave. This book SAVED my LIFE! I was able to
break my lifelong patterns of choosing women haters, violent batterers, charming
seductive snakes whose only goal was to drive me insane & break me in pieces
emotionally until I had NO self-worth, self-respect, NO SELF at all left.

Why do we stay hooked in harmful relationships? It's not always physically
abusive, sometimes they are emotionally & verbally abusive to the point that you
no longer know what is real. You want so badly to believe the lies & excuses,
hold onto the hope that your lover will change if you just love them enough,
I know he really loves me, she/he's just having a bad day, etc. If you've ever
been in any type of relationship that you knew or suspected was harmful but
STILL could NOT leave, you know the shattering pain of addiction to a person.

This book tells one how they became addicted & why, how to recognize a bad
relationship, how to deal with the power & guilt trips your partner uses to keep
you hooked, that jealousy & possessiveness do NOT mean love, how to get
through the breakup without going back, & how to break this pattern for good! I
could have gone through years of expensive therapy & still not received the
exact
help or understanding that I needed to set myself free from addictive
relationships.

I just bought a new copy of the book--it is timeless, worth much more than
the cover price of...(therapy could cost thousands, take years & have less
results). I recommend getting at least 2 because you won't want to share & we
always know at least one person trapped in addictive relationships. You're worth
it, right? :-)

Editorial Reviews

From the Publisher

Are you in love--or addicted? How to know when to call it quits...and how to
find the courage to call it quits.

Are you unable to leave a love relationship even though it gives you more
pain than joy? Your judgment and self-respect tell you to end it, but still, to
your dismay, you hang on. You are addicted--to a person. Now there is an
insightful, step-by-step guide to breaking that addiction--and surviving the
split.
Drawing on dozens of provocative case histories, psychotherapist Howard
Helpern explains to you:

Why you can get addicted to a person.

Why and how you may try to deceive yourself. ("He really loves me, he just
doesn't know how to show it.")

How you can recognize the symptoms of a bad relationship.

How to deal with the power moves and guilt trips your partner uses to hold
you.

Why strong feelings of jealousy do not mean you are "in love."

How to get through the agonizing breakup period--without going back.

How not to get caught in such a painful relationship again.



[Unable to display image]

Oh! You better watch out,
You better not cry,
You better not pout,
I'm telling you why:
Santa Claus is coming to town!


<A HREF="http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri">AZChristmas Profile</A>
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


<A HREF="http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/">EVA Homesite</A>
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/


<A HREF="http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse/">Yahoo! Groups:
End_Verbal_Abuse</A>
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


<A HREF="http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents/">Yahoo! Groups:
CoDependents</A>
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents












































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#2269

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Sun Nov 30, 2003 2:47 pm
Subject: Love Is A Choice Breaking The Cycle Of Addictive Relationships

arizona_terri

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<A
HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0785275304/qid=1070221412/sr\
=1-9/ref=sr_1_9/104-3111876-1297543?v=glance&s=books">Books: Love Is A Choice
Breaking The Cycle Of Addictive Relationships</A>


Book Description

These bestselling doctors walk you through their ten proven stages to
recovery from codependency that results from external circustances. Humans are
susceptible to codependency because of our sinful tendency to use defense
mechanisms
to fool ourselves. In codependent relationships, deceitful games are played,
and important Christian principles are often taken out of context and abused.
God wants us to have healthy relationships with a balance between being
dependent and independent. The doctors describe how the most effective means of
overcoming codependent relationships is to establish or deepen a relationship
with
Christ Himself. They describe the causes of codependency, pointing out the
factors that perpetuate it, and lead readers through their ten stages of
recovery.



[Unable to display image]

Oh! You better watch out,
You better not cry,
You better not pout,
I'm telling you why:
Santa Claus is coming to town!


<A HREF="http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri">AZChristmas Profile</A>
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


<A HREF="http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/">EVA Homesite</A>
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/


<A HREF="http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse/">Yahoo! Groups:
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#2268

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Sun Nov 30, 2003 2:40 pm
Subject: Christian Perspectives On Overcoming Codependency

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<A HREF="http://www.ncfliving.org/bk_126_codependency2.htm">Overcoming
Codependency (Including Christian Perspective)</A>



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#2267

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Sun Nov 30, 2003 2:16 pm
Subject: Classic Codependent Couple

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Classic Codependent Couple

Each of us has our own spectrum of behavioral defenses to protect us from
fear of intimacy.  We can be codependent in one relationship and
counterdependent
in another - or we can swing from co to counter - within the same
relationship.


CODEPENDENT

Come here

Fear of abandonment issues

*People pleasing, gentle, nice & kind - sometimes seems pathetic and weak

*Avoids conflict, can't own anger - sets self up to be victim because of not
having boundaries (feels unfairly unappreciated or shamefully unlovable)

Able to be emotionally vulnerable but often in manipulative way (cries
instead of expressing anger)

When afraid that abandonment is happening can get needy and clingy - beg,
grovel, abandon self completely

Terror of intimacy causes them to pick unavailable people (don't believe they
truly deserve someone available and loving)

Sees setting boundaries as being controlling

Sometimes calls childish clinging love

*(passively controlling & manipulative)



COUNTERDEPENDENT

Go away

Fear of being taken hostage, of being smothered

*Tough, strong and independent - sometimes seems abrasive, abusive, and cold

*Uses anger as shield, has walls instead of boundaries - often overreacts
then isolates in shame (feels like "bitch"/"bastard" etc.)

Terrified of being emotionally vulnerable - feels life threatening (to be
"weak" "wimpy" "needy")

Is terrified of needy, clingy part of self so reacts to perceived neediness
by being cold, mean

Terror of intimacy causes them to be unavailable, to run from someone who
loves them - often feel that they are incapable of loving

Sometimes uses setting boundaries as way of controlling

Sometimes sees caring as being clingy

*(aggressively controlling & manipulative)



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#2266

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Sat Nov 29, 2003 7:17 pm
Subject: Humor/What Do Women Really Want?

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Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring
kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth
and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer
a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer
and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?....What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young
Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he
accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He
returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests,
the
wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could
give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old
witch,
for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch
was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the
witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her
price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the
Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one
tooth, smelled like sewerage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered
such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to
marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the
proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared
to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question
thus: What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own
life. Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great
truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was, the neighboring
monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful
wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific
experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most
beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay before him on the bed. The astounded
Lancelot
asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to
her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible
deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which
would he prefer?

Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show
off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch?
Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a
beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down
below. OKAY?

















Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question,
said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she
announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her
enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?

The moral is.....

If you don't let a woman have her own way....things are going to get ugly!



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#2264

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Fri Nov 28, 2003 9:40 pm
Subject: Healing Prayers...

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NATIVE AMERICAN PRAYER FOR HEALING

Oh Great Spirit whose voice in the winds I hear,
And whose breath gives life to all the world-
Hear me.
Before you I come
One of your many children.
I am small & weak.
Your strength & wisdom I need.
Let me walk in beauty & make my eyes ever behold the sunset.
Make my heart respect all You have made,
& my ears sharp to hear Your voice.
Make me wise that I may know all You have taught my people,
The lessons You have hidden in every rock.
I seek strength, not to be superior to my brother,
but to fight my greatest enemy - myself.
Make me ready to stand before You with clean & straight eyes,
So when life fades as the fading sunset,
may my spirit stand before You without shame.

— Mitakuye Oyasin

23RD PSALM FOR RECOVERY

The Lord is my sponsor, I shall not want.
He makes me to go to many meetings.
He leads me to sit back, relax & listen with an open mind.
He restores my soul, my sanity & my health.
He leads me in the path of sobriety, serenity & fellowship for my own sake.
He teaches me to think, to take it easy, to live & let live & do first things first.
He makes me more humble & grateful.
He teaches me to accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I can & gives me the wisdom to know the difference.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of despair, frustration, guilt & remorse, I will fear no evil.
For Thou are with me, your program, your way of life, your twelve steps, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies: rationalization, fear, anxiety, self-pity, resentment.
You anoint my confused mind & jangled nerves with knowledge, understanding & hope.
No longer am I alone, neither am I afraid, nor sicken, nor helpless, nor hopeless.
My cups runs over.
Surely sobriety & serenity shall follow me every day of my life, one day at a time, twenty-four hours at a time.
As I surrender my will to You & carry Your message to others, I will dwell in the house of Higher Power, as I understand him, one day at a time, forever & ever.

Amen

Oh! You better watch out,
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You better not pout,
I'm telling you why:
Santa Claus is coming to town!

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#2263

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Fri Nov 28, 2003 9:31 pm
Subject: TEN THINGS I LOVE ABOUT ME!

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TEN THINGS I LOVE ABOUT ME!

*Everyone is welcome to participate. Fill in ten things you LOVE about YOU and pass them back onto the rest of us :)

1).

2).

3).

4).

5).

6).

7).

8).

9).

10).

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#2262

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Fri Nov 28, 2003 9:29 pm
Subject: Tips on How To Love Yourself

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Tips on How To Love Yourself

Loving ourselves – being as compassionate, gentle & loving with ourselves as we would with a best friend – can be pretty hard to do. This is especially true for women & survivors of abuse (including neglect).

As women & survivors, we've been trained to deny our own feelings & needs & to take care of others. And we're also frequently given messages that tell us not to accept or love ourselves. This is especially true for survivors; it's so easy for us to take in the hating messages our abusers gave us & to turn that inwards on ourselves.

But it is possible to love ourselves – or at least to increase our self-love in increments, until we can know, deep to our cores, that we love ourselves & that we're beautiful. Here are some of the things that have worked for me. I hope you'll find they work for you, too.

*Ask for a list of things people like about you.

Sometimes it can be hard to find things we like or love about ourselves. So – ask other people to tell you all the things they like about you. Ask a friend, a lover, a therapist. This isn't a replacement for your own love; it's a first step in learning to love yourself. You may need to hear the things other people like about you before you can value them in yourself.

If hearing what people like about you is hard, ask your friends to write it down for you, or leave it on your voice mail, so you can read/listen to it over & over. Go back to it as many times as you can. Even if you don't believe that someone can like a particular thing about you, or you don't believe it exists, trust that your friend does see it & value it.

When you start to hear critical voices inside your head, go back to those things your friend said/wrote about you & remember that you are loved.

*Make a list of the things you like about yourself.

Make a list of all the things you like about yourself. Be as honest as you can. Modesty doesn't help you here; neither do old critical messages. If you're having trouble finding things you value about yourself, think about the things you value & love in your friends, then see if those things exist inside you, too. Most often, they do.

Fill a special notebook with your list, or create a set of cards. Make the notebook as beautiful as you can – make it something that makes you feel good when you look at it. Then open it up & look at it any time you're feeling down or critical about yourself, or any time anyone says anything that triggers your criticalness of yourself.

Look at this good-things-about-yourself book as frequently as you can. It may seem silly, but repetition really does make a difference. (Just think of the impact one critical phrase said by a parent over & over to a child can have. It really does have an effect! Now try to give that child inside you at least one truly loving phrase about yourself that s/he can hold on to.)

*Make it part of your daily routine to praise something in yourself or think about something you like about yourself.

In this society, we're taught that praising ourselves is selfish & wrong. But praising ourselves for things that are good about ourselves only helps us. It is a healing thing to do, something that nourishes our self-worth. When we love ourselves, we're happier & more true to our own selves…and that happiness & ability to be free spreads to others.

So...try to think of something that you like about yourself, or something that you did today that made you or someone else feel good – no matter how small it may seem. Give yourself the kind of warm praise that you would a friend.

*Love yourself like a friend

Close your eyes & think of a person you deeply love & trust & who you know loves you– a friend, a lover. Think about all the things you love & appreciate about them. Notice how that love feels inside you, how it makes you feel good.

Now turn it around the other way – be your friend, feeling that same deep love for you. Trust in their love for you & just feel it. Let yourself see your self through gentle eyes, with compassion & love the way your friend does, even if you can only do it for a moment. Now let yourself receive that love, the love you have as a friend to yourself. Feel the warmth move through you. Remember how it feels & come back to that love another time.

*Make a note every time someone says something nice about you.

Every time someone tells you something about yourself that makes you feel good, write it down or make a mental note & jot it down later. When you get home, put that note in a container of "good things about me." Decorate the container however you like. Keep on adding notes & read them over every time you need a little boost – and even when you don't feel like you do.

*Have compassion for yourself.

If you're feeling really judgemental about something you've done or said, try to understand where the judgement is coming from. Not the immediate, surface answer, but an answer deep down inside you. Are you afraid of something, or are you feeling insecure? Do you think you did something "wrong," or are you hearing the judgement of a voice from your past? Try to connect to that little kid inside of you who's feeling that way & really listen to how s/he's feeling. Hug & reassure that kid & let her/him know that s/he didn't do anything wrong & that you love her/him.

You can also think of a friend having acted as you did. Imagine how you'd feel towards them – how you'd still love them & readily forgive them if there was anything to forgive. You probably wouldn't even find it bothersome! Try to feel that same love & compassion for yourself.

*Recognize that the love has to come from you.

If you're a survivor of child abuse or come from a dysfunctional family, you may still be waiting for a parent to give you the love & acceptance you never got as a child. But the kind of love you need (or needed as a child) probably isn't going to come from a parent who abused you or who looked the other way while you were being abused. But it can come from yourself.

It can be hard to give it to yourself at first – after all, if you didn't receive love as a child, or if some of that love was torn away from you by violence, self-hate may have built up inside you. But you have the courage & strength to love yourself, if you've survived this long. And you do deserve it!

So try to connect to that little child inside, that child who deserves all of your love & acceptance.

*Use Affirmations

I know this might sound corny - but if you hear good things about yourself over & over, you can't help but have some of it sink in.
Write out strong, loving things to say to yourself, even if you don't fully believe them. Some examples are:

"I utterly & completely deserve love & kindness,"
"I am a very loveable person,"
"I am kind, compassionate, intelligent & wise." (or substitute the words for loving words that you feel best suit you.

Now put up those affirmations in places you'll see them every day – on the fridge, on the bathroom mirror, on your bedside table, next to your favourite chair, on the kitchen wall next to where you cook your food or eat a meal. Don't forget to read them.

If you're not comfortable having them up in such public places, then write out a bunch of them (or copies of a few) & put them in places you'll find them – in your jacket or jeans pocket, in a book you're reading or a favourite book, in your desk drawer, in with your clothes. They're little love notes to yourself. In fact, you may want to do both things – have them up & also hidden in places where you'll find them.

When you read an affirmation, read it slowly & really let yourself feel it. Don't just say it by rote. Try to let yourself be there as fully as you can.

*Recognize Self-Critical Messages – and Talk to Them

It's easy to let old, critical voices & messages that we heard as a child play over & over in our minds, without stopping them. Often we may barely recognize that they are there, or we don't really listen to them, we've heard them so often – but they continue to impact how we feel & think about ourselves.

Try noticing next time you hear a small (or very loud) voice inside your head criticize you. Be aware of what it is saying to you & try to talk to it. Ask it why it feels it needs to say those things. Is that part of you trying to protect you, in some child-like logic? Or perhaps that part of you felt it had to take on the messages you heard as a kid. Remind that part of you that you no longer need to do that to survive. You are free to make up your own mind about yourself.

*Counteract Negative or Critical Thoughts About Yourself

Write down all the negative or critical thoughts & messages you hear inside your head. See if you can figure out who first said them to you (or said something of that nature). Then write out a response that counteracts each of those messages, one by one. Make the counter messages as strong & loving as you can.

If you're having trouble writing out counter messages, see if you can connect to a deep, wise part inside of you. Or write out what you would say to a friend if a friend said those things about her/himself.

*Do Comforting & Nurturing Things For Yourself

Allow yourself to do comforting & nurturing things for yourself. Let yourself feel how good you feel when you do those things – and tell yourself that you deserve to feel that way, to feel good. Gradually you'll find that the more nurturing & comforting times you have, the more you'll seek them out – and they will help build a good feeling inside you.

*Ask Yourself What You Need to Do

Some of these things will work really well for you, while others may not quite fit you. So try taking a moment to get quiet & ask yourself, "What can I do to help myself feel more compassion & love toward myself?" Don't force an answer – just let the answer bubble up from inside you. If you find it hard to hear the answer that way, try writing out your question & then your answer. See what you come up with. You know best what works for you – and you have great wisdom inside you.

Above all – have compassion for yourself & for where you're at. Remember that you are a truly loveable person – and that you deserve only kind treatment, especially from yourself. :)

Cheryl Rainfield, © 2001

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#2261

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Fri Nov 28, 2003 9:21 pm
Subject: Positive Affirmations-taking Loving action for self

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Positive Affirmations-taking Loving action for self

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#2260

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Fri Nov 28, 2003 5:58 pm
Subject: Still Stuck?

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How many of you know what verbal abuse is?

How many of you have known what verbal abuse is for a while now?

You know all of the "abuse" terminology; all of the labels for the abusers little tricks, behaviors, words. These roll off of your tongue with the ease of an abuse expert.

Yet, are you still stuck in an abusive relationship or stuck on the abuser?

In spite of knowing everything you need to know about abuse and the abuser, you may not know everything you need to know about YOU... yet.

Do You Want to Change?

by Charles Frost

Certainly, many of us have had things happen in our lives which were neither appropriate or productive: we were abused emotionally and physiologically; we were physically battered and beaten; we were verbally abused; we were sexually abused and molested. It happened. We were there. We felt the fear, the pain, the sense of self-loathing.

And it was nothing personal. It would have happened to anybody else who had been there at that moment in time, in that place, with that relationship to those people, under that set of conditions and circumstances.

With this being so, how is it possible we have chosen to build our entire lives and self-images around such events? How is it possible we have decided to endlessly relive some thing which occurred many years ago rather than to live in the present and get on with the rest of our lives?

As long as we choose to see this event, or events, as the measuring stick for our lives, we are trapped in the past and have no real chance of changing our Beliefs, or our lives, and it is all based on the Perception that Life somehow singled us out in some manner, and that whatever happened to us is who, and what, we are.

As long as we view it this way, we are right, and our lives will never change. We will be trapped by our past, and by our Perceptions of the past, and our lives will endlessly repeat the same types of things over and over again until we choose to let go of the past and begin to live the rest of our lives based on different information.

A wonderful example of this concept is the main character in the movie, Groundhog Day. He literally was reliving the same day over and over and over again until he came to understand it was not how others treated him, but it was how he REACTED to others which made the difference in how his life worked.

While most or us do not actually continually relive the same day, we often do so in a figurative sense until we decide to let go of the past and do things differently.

Another example of this is the story about the person who lived in an apartment building downtown and walked to work every day. One day, he came out of his building, turned right at the corner as he always had done, and half way down the block, he fell into this big hole. It took him all day to get back out of the hole. He went home. Cleaned up. Went to bed.

The next morning he got up and was going to work. He took a right at the comer, and half way down the block, he fell into the big hole again. It took him all day to climb back out of that hole and he missed another day of work. He went home. Cleaned up. Went to bed.

The next morning he got up to go to work. He took a right at the corner, and half way down the block, he fell into the same big hole again. It took him all day to climb out of the hole and he missed a third day of work. He went home. Cleaned up. Went to bed.

The next morning he got up, got ready for work, left the building, crossed the street, and went on to work. He finally realized that if he did things just a bit differently, he could have different outcomes in his life.

It is not so much the FACTS, or our BELIEFS, which have limited us. It has been the PERCEPTION of the FACTS which created our BELIEFS which has limited us. If we will allow ourselves to PERCEIVE ourselves, and our lives, differently, then everything else will start to change.

The Reasons We Don't Change:

Far too often, even knowing all this, we will not change. In most cases, it is because we do not want to change. We have an investment in keeping things a certain way, viewing the world and other people a certain way, and if we were to allow these things to change, it would, in our opinion, make the past and everything we know pointless and meaningless.

When this is so, we develop a resistance to change.

The way we view change is: if I change, it is an admission that I was wrong in the past. It would be saying I did things wrong in the past. In short, we "beat up" on ourselves. Change is our enemy.

We view change as just another way of being told we are "not good enough". We were "not good enough" in the past, and we need to do "better". Given this viewpoint, it is no wonder change and personal growth are so hard to achieve.

This happens because we are taking what we are learning here in the NOW moment, and we are retroactively applying this information to events which happened in the PAST. We are using new information and skills as a way of proving we were "not good enough" in the PAST because we did not know then what we do know now.

"I don't want to change because it shows me what I did wrong in the past. I don't want to change because it points out my past failures when I didn't know about this."

Excuse me, it is time for a very serious REALITY CHECK: We did not know what we knew before we knew it, so how is it possible to apply it to something which happened in the past?

Using such illogical logic can keep us forever trapped in a continual loop of never being good enough. There will be something new we learn tomorrow, which makes what we know today, "not good enough".

I could use such logic this way: "If I were to take the skills, abilities, and resources I presently have, my knowledge of those skills, abilities, and resources, and my opportunity to use them, back in time to a year or two before my divorce, I could save my marriage!" How stupid could I have been not to use then what I have now? This, of course, also means that the skills, abilities, and resources I had available to me then were "not good enough" and what I did then was "not good enough" -- based on what I know today.

The challenge with such logic is that I developed the skills, abilities, and resources I have available to me today as a result of, not in spite of, the divorce. I do not get here without having been there.

I contend change is the natural outgrowth of life, and that there is no such thing as Failure. There is only Feedback, another opportunity to learn. It is all in how we view it. We can have Failure in our lives, or we can have Learning Opportunities.

Perhaps one of the best stories illustrating this point is about Thomas Edison. It took Edison 10,001 attempts to invent the light bulb. It was the 10,001st time when he got his working model. Shortly thereafter, a reporter asked him, "Mr. Edison, how did it feel to fail 10,000 times?"

Edison responded, "Son, I never failed. I had 10,000 chances to learn something new. Every time I was able to learn something new which I could apply to the next attempt."

What a wonderful attitude!

Most of us were far more persistent as children when we were learning to ride a bicycle or skate than we are as adults. When we were children, every time we fell down, we got back up and kept going until we mastered the skill we wanted to learn.

As an adult, most of us seldom do so. We are afraid of looking silly or stupid the first time we do something. We are afraid of what other people will think of us. We quit right away if we feel we are not getting the maximum desired result at once. We did not get it "right", so we turn and walk away, a "failure" once again.

The fact was it was all in how we Perceived it.

Given, some learning opportunities will be more optimum than others; however, we are "learning", it is impossible to fail. In order to FAIL, we must reach an outcome past which nothing will ever happen, and past which nothing will ever change. If we are allowing ourselves to "learn" and "change" and "grow" from what is taking place in our lives, there are no "final" outcomes, no end points, and we can not fail at anything.

This article is excerpted from the book The Possible You, �1999, by Charles Frost.

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#2259

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Fri Nov 28, 2003 5:43 pm
Subject: So...You Left The Jerk. Now What?

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So...You Left The Jerk. Now What?

by Tapati Amber Sarasvati

When I ended my marriage, I knew that I didn't deserve to be abused, but I wasn't so sure I deserved to be loved. I didn't really love myself, so how could I believe others could? I had low self-esteem when I met my husband and was completely astonished when he returned my feelings. I thought lightning couldn't strike twice,and believed him when he said no one else would want me or would put up with me. My experience as a fat teenager had taught me only too well how people in this society view fat. My efforts to starve myself only led to increased weight after an initial loss.

I had also been verbally abused by my husband for several years. The verbal abuse was insidious. If you hear something about yourself often enough, you believe it. You may disagree when you first hear it, but repetition burns it into your mind and causes you to doubt yourself. If you already have a low self confidence, you are particularly vulnerable.

So, there I was in those first months after my marriage ended, the verbal abuse I had received running through my head. Only this time it was my own internal voice echoing what my husband had yelled at me: " No one would ever want you! No one would put up with you!"

"You're lazy," I would say to myself. My house wasn't spotless, and my toddlers' toys weren't picked up as soon as they were through playing.

"You're stupid," I would add, whenever I made a mistake of any kind.

"Ugly, selfish, impatient, and a bad mother," the litany would continue. Nope, I wasn't perfect in any way.

Meanwhile, I was also grieving the end of my marriage and condemning myself for failing at my marriage. While somewhere a rational part of me knew I was not solely to blame for its end, I was still ashamed.

I didn't know anything about grieving. I would have said it was something you do when someone dies. But there I was, experiencing all the stages of the grieving process--denial, rage, depression, sadness--and feeling crazy because I didn't know that it would pass.

My one effort to deal with my feelings was destructive; I rushed into a relationship with the first person that came along. I wanted to reassure myself that I was capable of attracting someone and to distract myself from the pain of the grieving process. Of course, the relationship was a disaster, and the grieving process came back with a vengeance. Now I was grieving two endings.

I entered, finally, a stage of trying to understand why I was battered. Why had I ended up with a batterer? And why had he battered? These were two questions I spent a lot of time in the library trying to solve. I found many books on domestic violence and they made sense to me. They explained a lot of my ex-husband's behavior and it made me feel less isolated to hear about other women's experiences. I felt less foolish for having been a victim of violence when I learned about how prevalent it is.

I volunteered at a women's shelter and saw other women dealing with the same to leave that I had--the sympathy for their batterers, the fear of being alone, the love mixed with a growing hatred--all these things I had felt, said, and thought. I saw that they had to go through this process at their own rate, and could not be rushed. I also heard repeated many of the things my ex-husband had told me, and began to see patterns in the abusers' behavior. Controlled by their own insecurities and fears, they battered away at their wives' self-esteem to keep them from feeling strong enough to leave. Knowing this helped me to contradict what I had been told about myself.

I had been learning how not to be and what not to do, but it was at Cabrillo College in the Women's Studies program that I learned more about how to heal myself and work toward a healthy, happier life. I began psychotherapy at this time, and soon I was working on my body image as well. I had the good fortune to meet Ruah Bull, a local body image educator, and worked with her for a time. I stopped actively hating my body and gave up my unhealthy starvation diets for good. I also started swimming, and relearned the joy of movement.

Another woman who had a profound influence on me during my recovery is Maxine Myers. She was the Director of the Cabrillo Women's Center and also one of my teachers. I came to work for her and took her class, "Women In Contemporary Society." Having received her PhD the age of 56, she was a powerful example to me of a woman who went after her dream and didn't give up. She entered college with her son at age 42 and kept going until she got her degree. She taught at UCSC, Cabrillo, and directed the Women's Center, bought herself a house and a new car, remained the radical woman she'd always been, filled with energy and enthusiasm--I admit I was a bit in awe of her. But in spite of her accomplishments she remained the same down to earth, unpretentious person she'd always been. She's been one of my role models ever since.

For women recovering from abuse, role models can be very important. You need to have a picture of where you're going in your recovery. While you don't want to merely imitate someone else and lose your own identity, knowing someone else came through struggle and adversity to prosper and find their own strengths can guide you in your own journey. And ask questions! I, for example, was given an assignment by my therapist to ask 5 women in my life how they handled anger. Maxine was one of those people. So when you meet women who are succeeding at something you struggle with, ask how they do it. You'll hear that they didn't necessarily always do it that well, or that they still struggle with it. You'll get some practical advice, some of which may not work as well for you. But you'll learn from them and deepen your connections with other women--broadening your support network.

Besides finding role models, my advice to women in recovery from battering is to take time out from relationships for awhile. The most important person to have a relationship with is yourself. Every other relationship flows from that. If you are busy hating yourself, what kind of messages will you give other people? Believe me, abusive people will zero in on that in a second. You will also find it difficult if not impossible to assertively insist that people treat you with respect.

The first step in learning to love yourself is to stop mistreating yourself. If, like me, you find your mind echoing abusive phrases and insults at yourself, you must stop them, immediately. Every time you catch yourself doing it, STOP! Interrupt yourself mid-word if necessary. You can even use the word stop to replace what you were just thinking. At that point you can replace that thought very deliberately with a positive replacement. You can affirm your self worth by so doing.

How does that work? Well, say you made an error in your check book. You were off by a couple of dollars but it caused a check to bounce. You are charged 15 dollars by your bank, so you launch into a self-blaming tirade: "How could I be so stupid?! I'm so terrible with numbers I shouldn't even have a checking account. Now Jamie won't be able to go to that movie, I'll be too broke to take her. I can't believe how stupid...STOP! What am I doing this for? I made a simple mistake and it's corrected now. I usually do just fine with my checking account, this is the first mistake I've made in several months. Numbers may not come easily, but I try harder and I usually do really well with my money."

Or you see the dishes from last night's dinner in the sink and think, "Oh God, I'm so lazy STOP! So I didn't have time to get to the dishes--I did 15 other things instead. I don't have to be superwoman!"

Rule of thumb: if your best friend did it, would you rant and rave at her? Be at least as nice to yourself.

If I had to name the most useful thing in my recovery, it would be just that-- learning to be as kind and compassionate to myself as I am to my dearest friends. No more, no less. Be as gentle--and as honest. You will tell your dear friend when they need to make a change, when they're wrong. But you tell them gently and respectfully, not abusively. You can talk firmly to yourself without being abusive.

Once you have stopped adding to your own negative self-image, your confidence and self-esteem have room to grow. Start accepting compliments from people, especially if you usually shrug them off uncomfortably. Smile and say "thank-you" even though it will feel awkward at first. Allow yourself to start believing what you hear. In the same way that verbal abuse affected your self image, so will the positive things you hear. Let them in!

I also read a variety of books, participated in a self-esteem support group, therapy sessions, women's studies classes, activism, retreats--I kept looking for ways to learn, to grow, and to take new risks that increased my confidence. I urge you to try many different approaches. The test is: does it make you feel better about yourself, able to take new risks such as going to school or trying for a better job or a raise? Are you learning about effective communication? Do you find yourself having better relationships? Learn to trust your intuition. If something makes you extremely uncomfortable in an unsafe-feeling-way, stop. If it's a little scary in an I-know-I-should-but-I'm-nervous sort of way, try it if you can. If not, maybe you're not ready just yet--but do try again later on. (My own examples of risks included going to school, swimming, nude modeling--as a large size model--and sending my writing to magazines.)

Nurture your friendships, and learn to ask for support and help when you need it. You will. The recovery process is difficult at times, when new ways of doing things aren't comfortable yet and you are tempted to slide back into the old, familiar path. I remember hearing in a lecture that such changes can feel worse, at times, to the point of being terrified and having panic attacks. But it will pass. I found that reassuring. It meant I wasn't losing my mind, as I had feared, and that it would get better. It also meant that others had been through this before me, and they were all right so I would be, too.

Trust me. I don't have any amazing recuperative powers that you don't have! I felt as scared and worried and hopeless as you may be feeling, and while I felt those things I just concentrated on getting through each day. That is the universal theme in all types of recovery, such as addictions, abuse survival, physical rehabilitation--you name it. One day at a time, one minute at a time even. That's all you need to get through. You'll be surprised at what those minutes, hours and days add up to. In my case, I got a degree, a great job, a wonderful husband, and an incredible circle of friends who helped me through it all. You deserve no less.

Tapati Amber Sarasvati is a freelance writer, web designer and Cruzio salesperson. She is about to turn 40 and looking forward to the adventures of the next decade, not the least of which is the new millenium. She started Uppity Women Magazine out of a desire to make connections between women of different cultures and organize information they might find useful. She has a radical husband, two grown children, a host of uppity friends, and is proud to be bisexual and a witch.

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#2258

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Fri Nov 28, 2003 3:54 pm
Subject: BOUNDARIES, RIGHTS AND HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

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BOUNDARIES, RIGHTS AND HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

Setting boundaries means that we are taking responsibility, being adult and demanding equality and respect in relationship.

Setting boundaries reflects our right to say NO to those things that aren't right for us.

Setting boundaries is about learning to take care of ourselves, no matter what happens, where we go or who we're with.

Boundaries emerge from a deep sense of our personal rights; especially the right to be ourselves and take care of ourselves.

Boundaries emerge as we learn to value, trust and listen to ourselves.Boundaries emerge from a belief that what we want, need, like and dislike is important.

Boundaries emerge from deep decisions about what we believe we deserve and don't deserve.�

TIPS FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES

Anger, rage, complaining, whining, and feeling threatened, "suffocated" or victimized are clues to boundaries you need to set.

When you identify a need to set a boundary or a limit with someone, do it clearly, preferably without anger and in as few words as possible.

You cannot simultaneously set a limit with someone and take care of their feelings--they may be hurt, angry or disappointed with you.

You'll probably be ashamed and afraid when you first set boundaries.

Be prepared to follow through by acting in congruence with the boundaries you set.

You'll be tested when you set boundaries.

Some people are happy to respect your boundaries.

A support system can be helpful as you strive to establish and enforce boundaries.

You'll set boundaries when you are ready and not a minute sooner.There's a satisfying side to setting boundaries--it feels good.�

EXAMPLES OF SETTING BOUNDARIES

"You don't have a right to tell me what to think, or invalidate my feelings."

"Don't vent your anger on me, I won't have it."

"This is mine, you don't have a right to use it as yours."

"I won't accept your belittling jokes, your criticism or your condescending attitude toward me."

"I won't be disrespected -- If you won't respect me, then stay away."

"Keep your hands off me."

"Stop doing that...or I'll leave; report you; file charges, (etc.)."

"Don't try to tell me what to do."

"If we're going to have a working relationship, I need honesty, respect & equality."

"I need to communicate when we have a misunderstanding."

"I need openness and sharing in a relationship -- your withholding is making our relationship not satisfying for me."�

HOW TO MAINTAIN YOUR PERSONAL BOUNDARIES

Ask directly for what you want. This shows who you are to others.

Nurture yourself and your integrity. This creates an inner, intuitive sense that lets you know when a relationship has become hurtful abusive, or invasive.

Be objective about others' behavior toward you without getting caught in their drama.

Maintain a bottom line -- a limit to how many times you allow someone to say no, lie, disappoint, or betray you before you will admit the painful reality and move on.

Change the locus of trust from others to yourself. Don't put yourself in someone else's hands or expect unfallibility. Trust that you can allow others to be normally human and still have satisfying intimacy.��

AFFIRMATIONS OF SOME BASIC RIGHTS

Nobody has the right to know my mind or my business or to tell me what to think, what to feel or what to do.

I have a right to my own thoughts, feelings, values and beliefs.

What I share with others about matters that concern me is determined by what feels right to me--not what they want.

If people are abusive or disrespectful to me, I have a right to tell them so, to ask them to stop and to avoid them.

I don't have to be nice to people who aren't nice to me.

I don't need abuse or to be disrespected.

I have a need and right to love myself, respect myself and to stand up for myself.

I always have a right to express what I feel and think for myself, as long as I don't try to tell others what's right for them.

I have a right to be who I am and to harmlessly live my own life regardless of whether others don't like it.

I don't have to feel guilty for not behaving as others might want me to or for not giving others what they expect from me.

I accept myself just as I am in the moment with whatever thoughts and feelings I have.

I accept my right to make mistakes--otherwise I couldn't learn and grow.

I accept my right to my imperfection and shortcomings and don't feel guilty for not being perfect.

I believe that we should do unto others as we would have them do unto us--to be treated with love and respect.

I believe that if I am true to myself and live by the highest truth I know, that things will turn out for the best in the long run.

I believe that no matter what, I am a divine child of God who is loved, forgiven, safe and destined to God's eternal life and blessings.

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#2257

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Fri Nov 28, 2003 3:46 pm
Subject: Door Knob Boundaries

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DOOR KNOB BOUNDARIES

"Setting boundaries is about learning to take care of ourselves, no matter what happens, where we go, or who we're with.

Boundaries emerge from deep decisions about what we believe we deserve and don't deserve.

Boundaries emerge from belief that what we want and need, like and dislike, is important.

Boundaries emerge from a deeper sense of our personal rights, especially the right we have to take care of ourselves and to be ourselves.

Boundaries emerge as we learn to value, trust, and listen to ourselves.

The goal of having and setting boundaries isn't to build thick walls around ourselves.

The purpose is to gain enough security and sense of self to get close to others without the threat of losing ourselves, smothering them, trespassing, or being invaded.

Boundaries are the key to loving relationships.

When we have a sense of self, we'll be able to experience closeness and intimacy. We'll be able to love and to be loved.

Intimacy, play, and creativity require loss of control. Only when we have boundaries and know we can trust ourselves to enforce them and take care of ourselves, will we be able to let go enough to SOAR. These same activities help develop a sense of self, for it is through LOVE, PLAY, and CREATIVITY that we begin to understand who we are and become reassured we can trust ourselves.

Having boundaries means having a self strong, NURTURED, HEALTHY and CONFIDENT enough to LET GO--and come back again INTACT."

From the book: "Beyond Codependency" by Melody Beattie

EGO BOUNDARIES

"Ego boundary is the internal strength by which a person has an ego barrier to guard his inner space. This is the means the individual uses to screen and interpret the outside world. It is also the structure a person uses to cope with, and modulate his/her interactions with the world."

From the book: "Bradshaw On The Family" by John Bradshaw

STRONG EGO BOUNDARIES

        __________
       /          \
      /        __ \
     /     ___/ | \    Trust       (Hope)
    |            |   |   Autonomy    (Will Power)
    |      ___   |   |   Initiative (Purpose)
     \        \__| /    Industry    (Competence)
      \            /
       \          /
        \________/

The door knob is on the inside
of the door which enables the
setter of the boundaries to dictate
access gained. This is a safe and
appropriately protected reality
where ego boundaries are concerned.
A healthy functioning model.

WEAK EGO BOUNDARIES

        __________
       /          \
      /            \      __      Mistrust
     (              ) ___/ |     Shame
     |              | ___   |     Guilt
     (              )    \__|     Inferiority
      \            /
       \          /
        \________/

The door knob is on the outside
of the door which in essence gives
others free access as they see fit.
More or less open access to you with
weak ego boundaries. Less safety
than in the case of strong ego boundaries.

BROKEN EGO BOUNDARIES

        __________
       /          \
      /            \
     (              )     Confusion
     |              |     Helplessness
     (              )     Powerlessness
      \            /
       \          /
        \________/

When one has broken ego boundaries,
or essentially no ego boundaries, then
one is like a house whose doors have
no knobs. Essentially then there are
no boundaries and there can be no sense
of control or safety from inside or outside.
This is a wide open and not so safe position
to be in. It is from here enmeshment can
easily occur and or the lines of individuation
between self and others may quickly get blurred.
When we have broken ego boundaries we often
have to call on other more mal-adaptive coping/
defense mechanisms to survive and we often are
not aware where we begin and end as opposed to
where others begin and end.

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#2251

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Tue Nov 18, 2003 1:14 am
Subject: Obsession/Obsessive Thinking

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<A HREF="http://www.joy2meu.com/obsessive_thinking.htm">Obsession / Obsessive
Thinking Part 1</A>

  <A HREF="http://www.joy2meu.com/Obsession_2.htm">Obsession / Obsessive Thinking
Part 2</A>


May your stuffing be tasty,
and your turkey be plump.
May your potatoes and gravy
have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious,
and your pies take the prize.
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
stay off your thighs!
-Unknown


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#2250

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Tue Nov 18, 2003 1:08 am
Subject: Love, Romance and Sexual Addiction

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<A
HREF="http://www.loveandaddiction.com/pages.cfm?Section=2003&PageName=LoveAddict\
ion">http://www.loveandaddiction.com/pages.cfm?Section=2003&PageName=LoveAddicti\
on</A>



May your stuffing be tasty,
and your turkey be plump.
May your potatoes and gravy
have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious,
and your pies take the prize.
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
stay off your thighs!
-Unknown


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#2249

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Tue Nov 18, 2003 1:05 am
Subject: Relational Dependency Quiz

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<A HREF="http://enotalone.com/article/2500.html">Relational Dependency Quiz</A>



May your stuffing be tasty,
and your turkey be plump.
May your potatoes and gravy
have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious,
and your pies take the prize.
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
stay off your thighs!
-Unknown


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#2248

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Tue Nov 18, 2003 12:54 am
Subject: Get Your ANGRIES Out!

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<A HREF="http://www.angriesout.com/family1.htm">Get Your ANGRIES Out!</A>



May your stuffing be tasty,
and your turkey be plump.
May your potatoes and gravy
have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious,
and your pies take the prize.
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
stay off your thighs!
-Unknown


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#2247

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Mon Nov 17, 2003 5:46 am
Subject: If You're Thinking of Suicide: Read This First

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<A HREF="http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/">Suicide: Read This First</A>

May your stuffing be tasty,
and your turkey be plump.
May your potatoes and gravy
have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious,
and your pies take the prize.
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
stay off your thighs!
-Unknown


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#2244

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Mon Nov 10, 2003 6:31 pm
Subject: Overcoming Verbal Abuse

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<A HREF="http://www.mpowers.com/verbal-abuse.htm">Melvin Powers Wilshire Books
- Overcoming Verbal Abuse</A>


May your stuffing be tasty,
and your turkey be plump.
May your potatoes and gravy
have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious,
and your pies take the prize.
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
stay off your thighs!
-Unknown


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#2243

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Mon Nov 10, 2003 6:30 pm
Subject: Delayed Stress Syndrome

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"Codependence is being at war with ourselves which makes it impossible to
trust and Love ourselves. Codependence is denying parts of ourselves so that we
do not know who we are.

Recovery from the disease of Codependence involves stopping the war within so
that we can get in touch with our True Self, so that we can start to Love and
trust ourselves."

*"We experienced what is called "sanctuary trauma" our safest place to be was
not safe   and we experienced it on a daily basis for years and years."

Welcome to the "Codependence as Delayed Stress Syndrome"
This is a doorway page of Joy to You & Me, the Web Site of Robert Burney and
Joy to You & Me Enterprises. Robert Burney is a codependence therapist,
Spiritual teacher, and the author of the Joyously Inspirational book:

Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls.


Codependence as Delayed Stress Syndrome

This is an excerpt from the book Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls by
Robert Burney.

"In a war, soldiers are forced to deny their emotions in order to survive.
This emotional denial works to help the soldier survive the war, but later can
have devastating delayed consequences. The medical profession has now
recognized the trauma and damage that this emotional denial can cause, and have
coined
a term to describe the effects of this type of denial. That term is "Delayed
Stress Syndrome."

In a war soldiers have to deny what it feels like to see friends killed and
maimed; what it feels like to kill other human beings and have them attempting
to kill you. There is trauma caused by the events themselves. There is trauma
due to the necessity of denying the emotional impact of the events. There is
trauma from the effects the emotional denial has on the person's life after
he/she has returned from the war because as long is the person is denying
his/her
emotional trauma she/he is denying a part of her/himself.

The stress caused by the trauma, and the effect of denying the trauma, by
denying self, eventually surfaces in ways which produce new trauma   anxiety,
alcohol and drug abuse, nightmares, uncontrollable rage, inability to maintain
relationships, inability to hold jobs, suicide, etc.

Codependence is a form of Delayed Stress Syndrome.

Instead of blood and death (although some do experience blood and death
literally), what happened to us as children was spiritual death and emotional
maiming, mental torture and physical violation. We were forced to grow up
denying
the reality of what was happening in our homes. We were forced to deny our
feelings about what we were experiencing and seeing and sensing. We were forced
to
deny our selves.

We grew up having to deny the emotional reality: of parental alcoholism,
addiction, mental illness, rage, violence, depression, abandonment, betrayal,
deprivation, neglect, incest, etc. etc.; of our parents fighting or the
underlying
tension and anger because they weren't being honest enough to fight; of dad's
ignoring us because of his workaholism and/or mom smothering us because she
had no other identity than being a mother; of the abuse that one parent heaped
on another who wouldn't defend him/herself and/or the abuse we received from
one of our parents while the other wouldn't defend us; of having only one
parent or of having two parents who stayed together and shouldn't have; etc.,
etc.

We grew up with messages like: children should be seen and not heard; big
boys don't cry and little ladies don't get angry; it is not okay to be angry at
someone you love especially your parents; god loves you but will send you to
burn in hell forever if you touch your shameful private parts; don't make noise
or run or in any way be a normal child; do not make mistakes or do anything
wrong; etc., etc.

We were born into the middle of a war where our sense of self was battered
and fractured and broken into pieces. We grew up in the middle of battlefields
where our beings were discounted, our perceptions invalidated, and our feelings
ignored and nullified.

The war we were born into, the battlefield each of us grew up in, was not in
some foreign country against some identified "enemy"   it was in the "homes"
which were supposed to be our safe haven with our parents whom we Loved and
trusted to take care of us. It was not for a year or two or three it was for
sixteen or seventeen or eighteen years.

We experienced what is called "sanctuary trauma"   our safest place to be was
not safe   and we experienced it on a daily basis for years and years. Some
of the greatest damage was done to us in subtle ways on a daily basis because
our sanctuary was a battlefield.

It was not a battlefield because our parents were wrong or bad   it was a
battlefield because they were at war within, because they were born into the
middle of a war. By doing our healing we are becoming the emotionally honest
role
models that our parents never had the chance to be. Through being in Recovery
we are helping to break the cycles of self-destructive behavior that have
dictated human existence for thousands of years.

Codependence is a very vicious and powerful form of Delayed Stress Syndrome.
The trauma of feeling like we were not safe in our own homes makes it very
difficult to feel like we are safe anywhere. Feeling like we were not lovable to
our own parents makes it very difficult to believe that anyone can Love us.

Codependence is being at war with ourselves   which makes it impossible to
trust and Love ourselves. Codependence is denying parts of ourselves so that we
do not know who we are.

Recovery from the disease of Codependence involves stopping the war within so
that we can get in touch with our True Self, so that we can start to Love and
trust ourselves."


May your stuffing be tasty,
and your turkey be plump.
May your potatoes and gravy
have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious,
and your pies take the prize.
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
stay off your thighs!
-Unknown


     <A HREF="http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri">AZThanksgiving Profile</A>
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


<A HREF="http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/">EVA Homesite</A>
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/


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End_Verbal_Abuse</A>

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CoDependents</A>
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents






[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

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#2242

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Mon Nov 10, 2003 9:05 am
Subject: Right Now!

arizona_terri

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<A HREF="http://positivepause.com/">Right Now!</A>

May your stuffing be tasty,
and your turkey be plump.
May your potatoes and gravy
have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious,
and your pies take the prize.
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
stay off your thighs!
-Unknown


     <A HREF="http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri">AZThanksgiving Profile</A>
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


<A HREF="http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/">EVA Homesite</A>
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/


<A HREF="http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse/">Yahoo! Groups:
End_Verbal_Abuse</A>

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


<A HREF="http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents/">Yahoo! Groups:
CoDependents</A>
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents






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#2241

From: diamondmine03 <diamondmine03@...>
Date: Sun Nov 9, 2003 11:40 pm
Subject: Addicted to love

diamondmine03

Offline

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Here's an interesting article

http://www.ivillage.co.uk/relationships/dating/love/articles/0,,141_172290,00.ht\
ml

You might have to copy and paste the link.




=====

Janet

http://diamondmine.journalspace.com






______________________________________________________________________
Post your free ad now! http://personals.yahoo.ca

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#2240

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Thu Nov 6, 2003 9:49 pm
Subject: Come Here/Go Away

arizona_terri

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COME HERE/GO AWAY...

Singles often complain about dating jerks or losers that use them. Some will
fall in love with unavailable people, yearning for something they cannot have.
Still others put so much hope into their relationships that they are
devastated when it ends. On the surface this may appear to be a poor choice or
bad
luck. If it happens just once that may be the case. On the other hand, if you
find yourself repeating painful and unhappy relationships, consider taking a
deeper look at your own motives.

Many people who find themselves in painful relationship patterns have an
underlining problem of codependency and relationship and romance addiction.  So,
what is codependency?

Codependency:

A behavior or state of mind that prevents you from living an autonomous life
due to a compulsion to take care of, control or please the people and
situations around you.

Relationship addiction is a concept that is also confusing. We'll use Pia
Mellody's Love Addiction definition in Facing Love Addiction, Harper Collins
1992., to define relationship addiction:

Relationship Addiction:

"A Relationship (Love) addict is someone who is dependent, enmeshed and
compulsively focused on another person."

Many relationship addicts, unless they are in unbearable pain, will never
even know they have a problem. This form of addiction is almost always
unrecognized. In our society we love songs of obsessive love. Our movies and
soap operas
are full of people who are consumed with dysfunctional relationships. We have
so many examples in media that would indicate that love is painful and
exhausting. While it makes for good entertainment, healthy long term
relationships
are not full of games, insecurities and drama.

A Love addict is essentially a codependent, but a codependent is not always a
love addict.

Romance addicts often have unrealistic expectations of a relationship, they
may demand constant attention or no conflict.

Codependents and addicts usually neglect themselves while they are in
relationships.
For those of you frustrated with your relationships, check out the
descriptions below. Keep in mind that this is an introduction to a very real
problem.
Like anything else there are degrees of intensity. We urge you to seek out
additional information before drawing any conclusions about yourself or someone
you
know.

Anne Wilson Schaef, best-selling author of The Addictive Organization and
Escape from Intimacy is a leading authority on codependency. She has listed the
skills people use to form what she calls (addictive) pseudo-relationships See
if you recognize any of these "skills" as your own.

  To be able to establish instant intimacy

  To be able to listen even when not interested or involved in what the other
person is saying

  To be able consistently to lay aside your own needs for the sake of the
relationship

  To know how to take care of the other person and quickly move in to meet his
or her needs

  To know both how to foster dependency and how to attach to the other in a
dependent way

  To know how to compromise personal needs, values, ethics or morality for the
relationship (including family, children, and one’s own work)

  To have the ability quickly to recognize a cosmic mate or a Special
connection

  To be able instantly to share secrets and pour out your life story

  To have an instant physical or sexual attraction

  To be able to fit the other person into romantic fantasies and/or exotic
situations

  To be able to form a connection and not know how to be friends

  To establish an immediate intensity or high (being in love) and allow that
high to interfere with daily life

  To feel as though the "relationship" has you in its grip, has taken over
your life, and to be able to give yourself over to that feeling

  To have the skills (imagined) and desire to "save" the other person from the
life he or she has constructed

  To be willing to use the other person to escape the life you have
constructed for yourself

  To define everything in one’s existence in terms of the relationship and
make the relationship "central" to your life

  To be able to ignore other facets of both lives for the sake of the
relationship

  To have the ability to "make others feel alive"

  To be able to attract others to you, that is, to emphasize physical
appearance, like dressing and fixing oneself up to attract others

  To be able to ignore aspects of the person you do not trust or like.

  To be able to ignore unshared values, hopes and fears and see the other only
through the eyes of illusion

  To be able to accept blame and fault for anything that goes wrong in the
relationship

  To be able to "hang in there" much past the point of sanity

  To have the ability to "enter into the other’s world completely"

  To know how to use the "skills" of communication to form immediate
relationships, the skills being much more important than being fully present to
the
other person

  To be able to use manipulation and impression management to try to be what
the other wants in order to "hook" the other into the relationship

  To have the ability to attach yourself to people who like/ pursue you first

  To have the ability to use "honesty" as a con

  To have the ability to use your intuition to explain or "understand" the
other

  To have developed the skills of seduction, flirtation and titillation to a
fine art

  To have the skill to look intimately involved while keeping safely hidden
behind your wall

  To have learned to interpret intensity as love and, therefore, to assume
that when we feel intensely about someone what we are feeling is love

  The ability to lose boundaries in the relationship

  To be able to suffer endlessly for the relationship

  To be able to gaze lovingly into the other’s eyes with a look resembling a
dying calf in a mudhole

"We have been taught that these skills lead to relationships when, in fact,
they lead one into addictive pseudo-relationships."


From the book Escape from Intimacy by Anne Wilson Schaeff, Harper & Row 1989.
page 103-105

Despite the fact that these behaviors look as if you are actively pursuing
love and romance, the true Love addict is deeply afraid that someone will get
too close to them. Because these "skills" avoid intimacy. They keep people away!

It's important to keep in mind that a few codependent behaviors are natural
and healthy. It is very common to see yourself or someone you know in all or
many of the descriptions above. So do not jump to premature conclusions about
yourself until you get some more information. As mentioned, this is a serious
problem. It takes a lot of courage to seek out help and answers. The good news
is, you can overcome addictions and enjoy healthy and happy relationships.



May your stuffing be tasty,
and your turkey be plump.
May your potatoes and gravy
have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious,
and your pies take the prize.
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
stay off your thighs!
-Unknown


     <A HREF="http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri">AZThanksgiving Profile</A>
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


<A HREF="http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/">EVA Homesite</A>
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/


<A HREF="http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse/">Yahoo! Groups:
End_Verbal_Abuse</A>

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


<A HREF="http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents/">Yahoo! Groups:
CoDependents</A>
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents






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#2239

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Thu Nov 6, 2003 9:45 pm
Subject: Relationship Addiction Test

arizona_terri

Offline

Send Email

<A HREF="http://www.catchdemboyz.com/AddictionTest.html">Relationship Addiction
Test</A>





May your stuffing be tasty,
and your turkey be plump.
May your potatoes and gravy
have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious,
and your pies take the prize.
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
stay off your thighs!
-Unknown


     <A HREF="http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri">AZThanksgiving Profile</A>
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


<A HREF="http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/">EVA Homesite</A>
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/


<A HREF="http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse/">Yahoo! Groups:
End_Verbal_Abuse</A>

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


<A HREF="http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents/">Yahoo! Groups:
CoDependents</A>
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents






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