THE SEVEN DEADLY FRIENDS!

Sometimes our closest relationships can be the most toxic. Are yours?

She's great with your kids but a terrible listener. She's hilarious, but you
wouldn't trust her with your secrets. She's the first one to call on your
birthday but the last person you'd call in a crisis.

We're stuck with our families, warts and all. But we can choose our friends.
Why choose someone who makes life harder?

Here are seven of the classic prototypes of toxicity — the hidden good, the
bad, and the ugly — and how to handle each one.

1. THE DRAINER
She is rarely in a good mood and always has a problem. Drainers always need
help, seldom offer any, and never really want to feel better. If you greet her
with "Hey, something really exciting happened to me last week!" she answers,
"Must be nice. My week was absolutely awful."

How to Detox: Some Drainers aren't looking for sympathy; they believe the
world is a hard place. If you tell her, "Yes, life sucks, but wallowing doesn't
help anyone," she might realize you're more than just a sponge for her woes.


2. THE ZAPPER
They love to bring you down with a single zinger. For example, you're trying
on jeans and say, "Wow! I never thought I'd fit into a size 6!" Your friend
responds, "Everyone knows that the sizes here run big." You've been zapped.
Zappers are masters of the deflating yet seemingly inarguable statement. Call
them
on it and they'll just say, "I didn't mean it. Don't be so sensitive."

How to Detox: Every time a Zapper hurls something your way, say, "Well, now I
don't have to feel good about that anymore, do I?" She might stop zapping
sooner than you'd expect. If that doesn't work, avoid spending time alone with
her or talking about anything private or personal. Or just break up. Some
Zappers will never change, and they're too hurtful to keep around if they don't.


3. THE ALARMIST
If a Drainer is a slow bleed, an Alarmist gives you whiplash. "I have a
problem," she's always saying. "What are you going to do about it?" Now, she may
know that you're panicked because your unemployment's running out or that a
large family of mice has made its home under your kitchen sink. But hers is a
real
emergency. She needs to borrow money or your best suit. And she'll be by in
five minutes.

How to Detox: Lynn, 27, an account manager for a national food company, gave
her friend Michele a test: She told Michele she was overloaded with work and
asked her not to call at the office, during dinner, after 9 P.M., or on
weekends. Lynn soon found out that Michele had found someone else to be her 911
operator. To an Alarmist, a friend is a rescue unit, and when you cease to play
this role, there is no further purpose in knowing you.


4. THE NARCISSIST
A Narcissist usually means no harm. She simply thinks the world revolves
around her. "When I'm around my sister-in-law, I can't get a word in edgewise,"
says Karen, 35, a graphic designer. A Narcissist uses chatter to prove she's
likable; it doesn't occur to her to accomplish that by listening. Unending talk
is a sign of discomfort — a way to control a situation and create a wall so
others can't see you.

How to Detox: Try giving a Narcissist what she needs and maybe she'll feel
sufficiently safe to slow down. Tell her how great she looks and that everyone
at work thinks she gave a brilliant presentation last week. This might distract
her long enough so that she can discover the joys of listening.


5. THE GOSSIP HOUND
Most of us feel one of two things around chronic gossipers: guilt or
suspicion. A Gossip Hound can make you laugh and feel as if you're sharing
something
intimate. But then you start to notice that in the middle of this intimacy
you're encouraged to share some private information about yourself.

How to Detox: Be uninterested in the secondhand stories of others. The
innocent gossip will get the message and may start opting for discretion. The
dirt-disher be completely dismayed and will start gossiping about what a rigid,
humorless goody-goody you turned out to be. Consider it a badge of honor.


6. THE TEASER
This friend is a performer, and often a witty and entertaining one. The only
problem is that her primary focus is to make fun of and undermine others,
usually in front of an audience. "I was trying to lose weight," says Caroline, a
31-year-old assistant at an ad agency, "so at a dinner with a bunch of friends,
I passed on dessert. But Melissa secretly ordered a huge sundae for me and
spent the rest of the meal trying to get me to eat it. When I got annoyed,
Melissa said she was only joking and that I was being a bad sport."

How to Detox: A Teaser tries to undermine your efforts to do something for
yourself by trying to make you self-conscious. Not a little of this behavior
comes from envy. Melissa might have wanted to shed a few pounds herself and
hated
watching Caroline display the willpower she lacked. Don't bother being
sarcastic; you can't tease a Teaser. Instead, you might say, "You're lucky —
you
don't have to watch your weight." The Teaser will have no reason to retaliate
and
will have to defend herself from blushing instead.


7. THE MAN-KILLER
You're having dinner with a friend. She's charming, she's a great listener,
and she compliments your hair. Enter a man — your boss, your brother, your
husband, the waiter — and her eyelashes grow an inch, her giggle fills the
room,
and you disappear. And after the man has left (and you reappear), she pretends
it never happened. The problem isn't only the awkward feeling you get; it's
also that her behavior renders you insignificant.

How to Detox: "I had a lot of issues with my friend Emily and the men in my
life," says Jolene, a writer. I advised Jolene to call Emily in advance of an
upcoming party and say, "Emily, I'm bringing a new guy, and I can always tell
how worthy a man is by how he reacts to your flirting. So don't forget to do it
tonight, OK?" Emily never did it again.


Is one of your friends toxic?

HEAVE-HO HOW-TO
It's time to cut your losses and end a toxic friendship when the relationship
brings you more stress than joy, and she (or he) makes you feel worse about
yourself, not better. These are the best ways to break things off:

Tell Her to Go Away
It's the simplest, most direct route. Be as firm and dignified as possible.
If you feel the need to offer an explanation, there are two ways to go: Nice
and Not Nice. Nice sounds something like "I don't hate you or anything. I just
feel like we don't see things the same way anymore." Or maybe even "We've been
kind of drifting apart for some time. Don't you think?" For the Not Nice
version, use your imagination, or list all the many times she has wronged you,
annoyed you, or stressed you out.

The Holly "Go Lightly" Method
This is neither harsh nor direct. It's the same method that some women use to
cut down on coffee or chocolate: weaning. Try gradually cutting your
interactions with her until you're down to an occasinal e-mail. If she asks you
what
you're doing Friday night, tell her you're busy, without giving specifics.
Continue to be vague. Eventually, she should get the hint and stop bugging you.
But since she'll be the one ending contact, you won't feel embarrassed when you
see her at the mall.

Play Possum
Basically, fudge. If she wants to know why you can't make plans the way you
used to, put on your best forlorn, French-film face and say, "I really can't
talk about it right now. I just need some time." Allude to, but don't elaborate
on, problems with money, your marriage — whatever works. She'll probably leave
you alone, if for no other reason than that you've become an enigmatic bore.

Fall Off the Face of the Earth
It's worked for single men for centuries. Why can't it work for you?



May your stuffing be tasty,
and your turkey be plump.
May your potatoes and gravy
have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious,
and your pies take the prize.
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
stay off your thighs!
-Unknown


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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Owning Your Stuff
by Dr. Irene

"A 'No' uttered from deepest conviction is better and
greater than a 'Yes' merely uttered to please, or what
is worse, to avoid trouble." - Mahatma Gandhi


My husband made me do this page.He tied me to the computer and would not let
up for air until I finished. Well, not quite.One night, he said to me, "I hate
jargon. What does it mean that you "own" your stuff. So what! You admit that
you do (something) I don't like. Does that give you permission to continue
doing it?"

Actually...yes, though I never needed permission! Here is an explanation for
the psychologically unsophisticated, a population to which my husband
(thankfully) belongs:

"Owning your stuff," "taking responsibility" both mean the same thing: that
you are fully aware that whatever behavior you engage in is a choice you have
actively made. Nobody makes you do anything. The consequences of your actions
are yours alone. Nobody has to like or dislike your choices. You are the author
of your life. You need no approval or permission. (Just remember, you have to
live with the consequences!)






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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

<A HREF="http://www.namastecafe.com/hope/12steps.htm">12 Steps of Codependent's
Anonymous</A>


<A HREF="http://www.namastecafe.com/hope/step_one.htm">STEP ONE</A>
We admitted we were powerless over others - that our lives had become
unmanageable.

<A HREF="http://www.namastecafe.com/hope/step_two.htm">STEP TWO </A>
Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to
sanity.

<A HREF="http://www.namastecafe.com/hope/step_three.htm">STEP THREE </A>
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we
understood God.

<A HREF="http://www.namastecafe.com/hope/step_four.htm">STEP FOUR</A>
Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

<A HREF="http://www.namastecafe.com/hope/step_five.htm">STEP FIVE </A>
Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of
our wrongs.

<A HREF="http://www.namastecafe.com/hope/step_six.htm">STEP SIX</A>
Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

<A HREF="http://www.namastecafe.com/hope/step_seven.htm">STEP SEVEN </A>
Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.

<A HREF="http://www.namastecafe.com/hope/step_eight.htm">STEP EIGHT </A>
Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends
to them all.

<A HREF="http://www.namastecafe.com/hope/step_nine.htm">STEP NINE </A>
Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so
would injure them or others.

<A HREF="http://www.namastecafe.com/hope/step_ten.htm">STEP TEN</A>
Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted
it.

<A HREF="http://www.namastecafe.com/hope/step_eleven.htm">STEP ELEVEN </A>
Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with
God as we understand God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and
the power to carry that out.

<A HREF="http://www.namastecafe.com/hope/step_twelve.htm">STEP TWELVE</A>
Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we try to
carry this message to other co-dependents, and to practice these principles in
all
our affairs.

To find a meeting near you go to <A
HREF="http://www.codependents.org/">Co-Dependents Anonymous</A>

For more links to Codependent sites <A
HREF="http://www.namastecafe.com/hope/deb_links.htm#Codependency">Click
Here</A>.



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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Most codependents are attached to the people and problems in their
environments.


Attachment is becoming overly-involved and can take several forms:

* We may react instead of choosing how we will respond in a situation
(our physical, emotional, and mental energy is attached).
(Don't react, remove yourself from the situation if it is escalating.)

* We may become obsessed with and controlling of people and problems
in our life (our energy is directed at the object of our obsession).

* We may become excessively worried about,
or preoccupied with a problem or person
(our mental energy is attached).

* We may become emotionally dependent on the people around us.

* We may become caretakers, rescuers, or enablers to the people
around us firmly attaching ourselves to their need for us.


Overinvolvement of any sort can keep us in a state of chaos
and the people around us as well.

If we are focusing all our energy on people and problems,
we will have little time for the business of taking care of our own needs.

We forfeit our power, our ability to think, feel, and act and we lose
control.

When we are obsessed with another human being, we cannot think objectively.

We not only have a problem or person that is bothering us, it is controlling
us.


What is Detachment?

Detachment is not a cold, hostile withdrawl;
a resigned, despairing acceptance of whatever is thrown our way.

We are not unaffected by people and problems,
we cannot ignore our responsibilities to ourselves
and others by severing our relationships with others.

Detachment is releasing or detaching from a person or problem with love.

We find it necessary to mentally, emotionally, and physically remove
ourselves
from unhealthy or painful entanglements with another person's life and
responsibilities.

Detachment is based on the premise that each person is responsible for
himself or herself
and that we can't solve problems that aren't ours, and that worry is not
helpful.

We adopt a policy of keeping our hands off other peoples responsibilities.

We allow other people to experience the consequences of their actions.

And we stop trying to change things we can't fix.

We try to focus on what is good in our own lives.

Detachment is living in the moment; living in the here and now.

We cannot live in the past and we cannot change it.

We must learn to "accept the things we cannot change" and to "change the
things we can".


Detaching does not mean we don't care, it means we care enough to
"let go and let God" take care of the details.

We learn how to make good decisions, and how to develop healthy relationships
with others.

The rewards of detachment are the freedom to live our own lives without
feeling guilty or responsible for others. We learn to mind our own business.

Many people who have chosen to live with serious problems such as alcoholism,
drug addiction or a severely handicapped child have learned to cope with
these problems.

They have grieved their losses and found a way not to live in resignation,
martyrdom or despair but with a true sense of gratitude to the 12-Step programs
available. They have learned to take care of themselves and have improved
their self-esteem through the use of self-help books and programs.

We learn to detach by using a three-part formula from Alcoholics Anonymous
and Al-Anon: through Honesty, Openness, and Willingness to try to abide by the
12 Steps and 12 Traditions. Many different organizations use the Steps and
Traditions.

"We need to detach when it is the least likely or possible thing to do."

Adapted from Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie, (c) 1987.



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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

There are only ten things in your life that you can control:

What you do. You cannot control others. Let them go and give them back to
themselves.

What you say. You cannot control what others say to you. Let what they say go
and give their words back to them.

What you think. You cannot control how others think about you. Let what they
think about you go and give their thoughts back to them.

Your work. You cannot control others performance. Let their performance go
and give it back to them.

The people you associate with. You cannot control who will and will not be
your friend. Let negative influences go and give their negativity back to them.

Your basic physical health. You cannot control other personal health. Let
their issues and addictions go and give it back to them.

The environment you live in. You cannot control others choices. Let their
choices go and give their choices back to them.

Your finances. You cannot control others finances. Let their finance issues
go and give it back to them.

Your time. You cannot control how others wish to spend their time. Let it go
and give their time back to them.

Your legacy. You cannot control what others wish to do with their lives. Let
it go and give their life back to them.

Letting go is about getting rid of the need to control anything, and
everything, that is not on the above list. If it is not within your power to
change
it, control it, or alter it–then let go of it! Period. Try it right now, and
feel the tranquility that comes with releasing those which we cannot control,
and
the peace in giving them back to themselves.

Girl, Interrupted...

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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Love Addiction consists of three components: Romance, Relationship and Sexual
Addiction.

Love addiction is often perceived to be "less serious" than other process
addictions i.e. compulsive sexual addictions, eating disorders or self-harm /
mutilation addictions. Perhaps because it sounds "softer."  In reality it is
extremely painful and can be very dangerous to both the addict and their
partners.


Many suicides, murders, stalkings, rapes and other crimes of passion have
their roots in this addiction.  Our culture has traditionally glorified love
addiction with the notion that we fall in love and live "happily ever after."
This
ignores the groundwork that relationships require. Many love relationships
depicted in the media are really love addicted relationships. (See Romeo and
Juliet as an example - not a very happy ending, huh?)

Signs and Characteristics of Love Addiction:

Lack of nurturing and attention when young

Feeling isolated, detached from parents and family

Compartmentalization of relationships from other areas of life

Outer facade of "having it all together" to hide internal disintegration

Mistake intensity for intimacy (drama driven relationships)

Hidden Pain

Seek to avoid rejection and abandonment at any cost

Afraid to trust anyone in a relationship

Inner rage over lack of nurturing, early abandonment

Depressed

Highly manipulative and controlling of others

Perceive attraction, attachment, and sex as basic human needs, on a par with
food and water

Sense of worthlessness without a relationship or partner

Feelings that a relationship makes one whole, or more of a man or woman

Escalating tolerance for high-risk behavior

Intense need to control self, others, circumstances

Presence of other addictive or compulsive problems

Insatiable appetite in area of difficulty (sex, love or attachment / need.)

Using others, sex & relationships to alter mood or relieve emotional pain

Continual questioning of values and lifestyle

Driven, desperate, frantic personality

Confusion of sexual attraction with love ("Love" at first sight.)

Tendency to trade sexual activity for "love" or attachment

Existence of a secret "double life"

Refusal to acknowledge existence of problem

Defining out-of-control behavior as normal

Defining "wants" as "needs"

Tendency to leave one relationship for another. (Inability to be without a
relationship.)

Attempts to replace lost relationships with a new one immediately








[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Risk factors in abusive relationships

Certain personality traits predispose people to abusive relationships. The
following lists are typical characteristics of both parties in abusive
relationships.

Partners of Abusers:

Personality traits which are common in the partners of abusers:

Intense need for love and affection. (See Love Addiction)

Low self esteem. (Belief that they can't have / don't deserve better
treatment.)

Drug or Alcohol Dependence.

A background involving physical, emotional or sexual abuse.

ACOA issues (Adult Children of alcoholics / addicts.)

Codependent personality disorder and / or Love addiction.

Enforced isolation creating resentment.

Strong need for a relationship to validate them.

Gain a sense of worth by care taking the abuser.

Inability to set and enforce interpersonal boundaries.

Difficulty expressing anger, tendency to internalize it, act it out in other
ways.

Loyalty to the abuser takes precedence over emotional or physical safety.

Belief that "it will change if I just try harder."

Repeated attempts to leave the relationship.

Inability to follow through with leaving - return to the abuser again and
again.

Clinical depression, self - medication.

Suicidal ideation or attempts.


The Abusive Personality:

Traits which are common in the abusive personality are:

Uncontrolled temper.

Extreme Jealousy. (See Love Addiction.)

Intense fear of abandonment.

A background involving physical, emotional or sexual abuse, abandonment, ACOA
issues.

Unrealistic expectations of a relationship. (To "fix" them or solve their
problems.)

Isolation and antisocial temperament.

Recklessness. (dangerous sexual behavior, reckless driving, drug use etc.)

Inability to accept responsibility for their behavior and actions, even in
the face of dire consequences.

Cruelty to children / animals.

Threats of violence.

Low self-esteem, shame.

Codependent personality disorder and / or Love addiction.

Inability to respect interpersonal boundaries, a compulsion to violate
boundaries.
Drug or Alcohol Dependence, self medication.

Emotional volitility - fear of being "out  of control".

Need for power and control to compensate for the above.

Bipolar disorder and / or Borderline Personality Disorder.

Abuse generally escalates when the partner leaves.

It should be noted that abusers are often survivors of abuse themselves.

Many of the characteristics above are documented trauma based adaptations to
childhood emotional, physical and sexual abuse.

Abusiveness is a family dysfunction that repeats through generations. Just as
addictions pass down through generations, abusers often leave their families
for a family of choice - then repeat the abusive cycle from the other side.
The abused becomes the abuser and so continues the cycle.  In this sense
abusers and addicts are not to blame for their behavior, but they are
responsible
for it.  Accountability is a concept addicts, codependents and abusers have
trouble grasping until they are well into recovery.

It can change - BREAK THE CYCLE NOW!

* Abusive relationships are marked by attempts by the abuser to isolate their
partner from social interaction. This is due to jealousy and to an
unconscious awareness that outsiders will see the relationship dynamics and
attempt to
intervene. (Any signs of independence in their partner triggers deep seated
abandonment fears and jealousy.) The enforced isolation of abusive relationships
also creates an ideal climate for the progression of addictions in one or both
partners. (Isolation is a common characteristic of addict / alcoholics.)









[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Abuse and Borderline Personality Disorder

One of the ways Borderline Personality Disorder manifests is in relationship
dysfunction's. Partners of people with BPD are often verbally or emotionally
abused by the person who has BPD. Some people with BPD may disassociate during
rages; they will honestly not remember the emotional abuse they dish out.
Other people with BPD deny having been abusive; inability to accept
responsibility
for their actions and behavior is a common attribute of BPD.  (See
Gaslighting below.)

Types of emotional / physical / verbal abuse common in people with BPD:

DOMINATION / CONTROL: The internal chaos of the person with BPD's emotions
often gives them a desperate need to control external events, situations and
people. (The internal world is so out of control - so external control gives
them
the sense of stability they lack internally.)  They must have their own way,
and will resort to manipulation, emotional blackmail,episodes of raging or
physical threats to get it. For their partner this creates constant anxiety,
fear, erodes self esteem and creates a climate of resentment.

VERBAL ASSAULTS: berating, belittling, criticizing, name calling, screaming,
threatening, shaming, excessive blaming, and using sarcasm and humiliation.
Blowing the non BP's flaws out of proportion and making fun of the partner in
front of others. Over time, this type of abuse utterly erodes the partners sense
of self-worth, esteem and confidence.

ABUSIVE EXPECTATIONS: People with BPD generally lack self-soothing skills -
they are unable to calm themselves and typically look for this soothing from
their partners. The person with BP may place unreasonable demands on their
partner and want the partner to put everything else aside to tend to their
needs.
People with BPD expect that relationships will ease the chronic emptiness they
feel, and can become resentful and enraged when the relationship fails to meet
their every need.   Abusive relationship expectations may include demands for
constant attention, frequent sex, a requirement that you spend all your free
time with the person, or give up everything else in your life.  Because these
expectations are based in the chemical / emotional imbalance no matter how
much you give, it's never enough. You may be subjected to constant criticism,
and
are berated because you can't fulfill all this person's needs.

HARASSMENT / STALKING BEHAVIOR: People with BPD lack object constancy. They
typically feel that when their partner goes away they will be gone forever.
("Out of sight out of mind.") Non BP's know that "even though ______ is at work
right now they still love me."  People with BPD cannot reassure themselves that
this is so.  Partners of people with BPD frequently report that the person
with BPD will telephone them 10 -15 times daily to reassure themselves that the
partner is still there and still loves them. If the partner is busy or
unavailable the person with BPD may become enraged.  People with BPD often
demand
that their partner remain present no matter how abusive the person with BPD
becomes; if they can't see their partner they cease to exist for them -
triggering
deep seated abandonment fears.

EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL / MANIPULATION: The person with BPD may play on the non
BP's fears, guilt, compassion, values, or other "hot buttons" to get what they
want. This may include physical threats, withholding affection (the "cold
shoulder"), harassment, stalking behaviors, threatening  phone messages / email,
or use of other threats and / or fear tactics to control the partner.

COMPULSION TO VIOLATE BOUNDARIES:  People with BPD often have a compulsive
need to violate the boundaries of people and institutions. People with BPD see
healthy boundaries in others as limits imposed on them and act out in many ways
to assert their control. This manifests as habitual rule breaking, scorn for
/ resentment of authority figures, petty theft, being asked not to do or say
something to you and repeatedly doing it anyway, sexual violation, refusal to
honor requests from their partner etc.   BP's often unconsciously seek out
partners who have difficulty enforcing their boundaries or expressing their
anger.
  This drains the partners energy, makes them feel under constant attack and
erodes self-esteem.

UNPREDICTABLE RESPONSES: Drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts
(This is part of the definition of BPD). This behavior is damaging because it
puts one always on edge. You're always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and
you can never know what's expected of you. You must remain hyper-vigilant,
waiting for the other person's next outburst or change of mood. This is
exhausting and wears down the partner's energy and self esteem.

NOTE: An alcoholic or drug abuser is also likely to act this way. Like all
mental health issues, BPD is difficult to diagnose while a person continues to
use drugs or alcohol; as it's hard to separate the addictive behavior from
symptoms of other disorders.  Living with someone like this is tremendously
demanding and anxiety provoking, causing the partner to feel constantly
frightened,
unsettled and off balance.

CYCLING BETWEEN NEED AND RAGE: The person with BPD may cycle rapidly between
being very needy and childlike and being rageful and verbally abusive. This is
extremely unsettling for their partners becasue you never know what to expect
at a given time.

GASLIGHTING: The person with BP will deny your reality and undermine and
devalue your perceptions. They will frequently deny that events occurred, lie
about their actions and behavior, or deny that they said or did certain things.
In
some cases this is not a conscious deception. If a borderline has been
disassociating,* they may indeed remember what happened very differently.  For
their
partners this is extremely disturbing. It leads them to doubt their own
experience, reality and eventually their sanity.  Ironically, the partners of
BP's
often present for treatment first with statements like "I feel like I'm going
crazy" or "I don't know what's real anymore."

*Disassociation is a state of not being present, browning out, losing time
etc. Some BP's disassociate during episodes of raging. They may have no memory,
or only partial memory of things they say or do when angry.

CONSTANT CHAOS / CRISIS MAKING: The person with BPD often seems to be in
constant conflict with others. (Neighbors, friends, lovers, co-workers etc.)
They
may deliberately start arguments for the sake of excitement.  Simple problems
or issues are frequently blow out of proportion to crisis status.  The person
wiht BP may be "addicted to drama" since it creates excitement. (Many non-BPs
also are addicted to drama.)







[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

**Facts of Life**

1. At least 5 people in this world, love you so much they would die for you.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you, in some way.
3. The reason some hate you, is because they want to be just like you or they
are too much like you
4. A smile from you, can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like
you. 5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6.You mean the world to someone.
7. Without you, someone may not be living. 8. You are special and unique, in
your own way.
9. Someone that you don't know even exists, loves you.
10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
11. When you think the world has turned its back on you, you most likely
turned your back on the world. 12. If you believe you won't get it, you probably
won't, but if you believe in yourself, sooner or later you will get it.
13. Always remember compliments you received, forget about the rude remarks.
14. Always tell someone how you feel, then they'll know.
15. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they're
great.
16. You must be a great friend, because someone gave this too you.




Girl, Interrupted...

<A HREF="http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri">AZTerri Profile</A>
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


<A HREF="http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/">EVA Homesite</A>
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End_Verbal_Abuse Volunteer Group Leader</A>

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<A HREF="http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents/">Yahoo! Groups :
CoDependents Volunteer Group Leader</A>

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents












[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Appearance to the world of the enabling personality

Protect others from the consequences of their own actions

Deflect the hand of fate and soften its blow for others

Attempt to save others from feeling intense emotional pain

Delay the day of reckoning for troubled persons by averting social and
financial difficulties for them

Prevent crises for troubled persons which, in fact, prolongs the problems

Pinch hit for troubled persons, hiding their mistakes with alibis or lies to
others

Act out of a sincere, if misguided, sense of love and loyalty

May act out of shame to protect their own and their environment's
self-respect

Are motivated by the fear that they may share the unfortunate consequences of
the troubled person's problems

Take on responsibility for the troubled person

Begin to doubt themselves and doubt their own sanity or "rightness,'' often
seeing themselves as failures

Feel guilt and self hatred and begin to turn off their feelings toward the
troubled person and others

Use a lot of projection and blaming on the troubled person

Vent a lot of anger against the troubled person

Become known as sarcastic naggers and blamers

Deny and conceal the problems of the troubled person

Make decisions for the troubled person, decisions that are best left for the
troubled person to make for themselves

Minimize the problems of the troubled person

Feel trapped in the problems of the troubled person

Develop an emotional shell and resist penetration


Feelings inside persons with the enabling personality traits

Powerless to change the situation

Serious about the situation

Self blaming for the troubled person's problems

Fragile in the face of the troubled person's problems

Self-pity for the situation they are in

Manipulation is the only method left them to get their way to correct the
troubled person's problems

Super responsible for the situation and solving the troubled person's
problems

Guilt over the troubled person's problems and the troubled person's inability
to solve them

Pain from the hurt resulting from the troubled person's problems

Fear that the troubled person's problems will never be solved and will
ultimately consume them

Anger that they can't fix or solve the troubled person's problems


Typical statements from enabling individuals

I'm going to give him another chance.

I want to give him the benefit of the doubt.

I'm not clear what I should expect of him.

I'm not convinced that he has that problem.

I love him; I can't leave him.

I don't want him to fail.

I don't want him to suffer any pain or hurt.

I don't want him to think that I don't love him.

I'm beginning to suspect that I'm the reason for his problems.

I don't want to be mean.

It's hard to say no.

I could never forgive myself for not taking steps to prevent him from getting
hurt.

He'd never forgive me if he got hurt or failed.

I've made my vows for life; I could never leave him.

It only hurts for a little while.

Look at all the trouble he's causing for me and the family.

I want him to get help, even if I have to drag him in.

What have I done wrong? Where have I gone wrong?

He doesn't care how much he hurts us by his behavior.

I feel so unappreciated.

Just this one time only.

Let's not be hasty in our judgment.

Negative consequences of enabling behaviors

Low self-esteem

The problems of the troubled people, addressed by enablers, usually become
worse rather than better

Become discouraged about the lack of progress or change in the troubled
people and ultimately sabotage their own efforts to reform these people

Become angry and resentful at those in their life who fail to improve

Become resentful, bitter, antagonistic and vengeful toward those who fail to
improve

Become martyrs who look for others' sympathy for their plight in life

Become enmeshed in the very problem behavior traits they resent, such as
drinking, overeating, overworking, drug abuse, etc.

Often become unappealing people and find the non-troubled people in their
lives have turned against them

Become so adamant about a cause that they seek to reform everyone they come
into contact with, sometimes obsessively

Lose focus as to how embittered and single focused they have become; they get
confused by the rejection and lack of approval they receive from the
non-troubled people in their life

Protect others from the truth about the problems of the troubled people,
suffering the anger, resentment, and hostility of the non-troubled people after
they find out that the enabler has sheltered them from the truth

Often wear themselves down so much that they suffer stress related illnesses,
like cancer, heart disease, ulcers, gastrointestinal problems, high blood
pressure, and others

Often become troubled people who are so caught up in denial that they become
difficult and resistant to getting help for themselves

Often refuse to get help for themselves if they have been successful in
getting their troubled people into treatment

Often become immobilized by fear, insecurity, and mistrust if they are not
successful in getting help for the troubled people in their lives

Often spend their lives seeking revenge against the troubled people whom they
tried to reform and couldn't

Usually end up depressed, anxious, and tense


Irrational beliefs of people with the enabling personality traits

I must do something to help this person stop his problem behavior.

I can help this person stop his problem behavior.

Everyone should want to change if they have a problem behavior.

My efforts will result in reforming this person.

The harder I put effort into addressing this problem, the more easily it will
be solved.

The larger the threats I make, the better chance that he will change.

If a person has a problem, the only way you can help him is to stay with him.


My efforts to lead a good life will pay off in the reforming of this troubled
person.

I have the key to the answer for this person's problems

I must put all my energy into helping this person if I expect him to change.

Only losers give up.

Protecting a troubled person is one way of helping that person to get help.

The troubled person's behavior is the only problem our environment has.

If I deny or hide the problem from the members of our environmment, they
won't be affected by it.

Things are never as bad as they seem.

God never gives you a burden too great to carry on your own.

I know what's best for this person.

I must never complain about this person's behavior in public.

I must never let this person get in trouble because of his problem.

I must carry the burden of this person's problems on my own shoulders.


Turning negative enabling traits into positive potential

Minimizing problems

These people can be given assistance to recognize the magnitude of the
problems in which they are enmeshed. They can be given information about the
nature
of "family'' illnesses and the "sick'' roles that each family member takes on
and how their enabling behaviors are "sick'' and can lead to their own
physical or mental illness if left unchecked.

Protecting the troubled person from negative consequences

These people can be taught "tough love'' technology. This assists enablers to
redirect their efforts to help troubled persons recognize and accept the
consequences of their own troubled behavior. In this way the enabler will let
the
troubled person "face the music'' for their problems early on, let them "hit a
brick wall,'' and recognize the need to get help for the problem on their
own.

Self blaming

When they have learned that there is virtually nothing they can do in
reforming a troubled person, they can take themselves off the hook of blame and
place
the responsibility for the problem back into the hands of the troubled
person.

Manipulation

When they realize that most of their efforts exacerbate the problems, they
can stop using threats, bribes, ultimatums and trickery to reform people. They
can use honesty, assertiveness, openness, confrontation in getting help for
themselves, and then address the troubled behavior of others.

Super responsible

By handing the responsibility for the problem back to the troubled person to
handle, and by viewing the problem more rationally, they can encourage the
troubled person to seek help and assistance for himself, to address his problem,
and to be open and vulnerable to change.

Acting out of loyalty

Enablers need to be guided in their feelings of loyalty to avoid protecting
troubled people from the negative consequences of their actions. Redirected
loyalty is to encourage the troubled persons to face their problem honestly and
to get timely help, preventing the problems from becoming uncontrollable.

Powerlessness

They can be helped to recognize that practicing "tough love'' and helping
others accept personal responsibility for their own actions is a powerful
behavior, with a more productive outcome than the enabling behavior used
previously.

Denial

Enablers need to hit their own "brick wall'' and get help for themselves
before they can effectively help others. Such brick walls as the troubled person
getting sicker or getting into trouble on the job or with the law is a way to
force enablers to give up their denial of the problems forcing them to take
corrective measures to alter their enabling strategies.

Sarcasm, nagging, blaming

Once they are able to let go of super responsibility for others' problems,
enablers are also able to let go of chronic reminding and reprimanding the
troubled persons for having the problems. Enablers can be helped to recognize
that
this verbal "garbage'' is the very behavior that gives the troubled persons
the excuse for indulging in the troubled behavior in the first place.

Low self-esteem

Once enablers are able to let go of the need to solve the problem no matter
what, they are able to view themselves in a healthier, more rational way. They
can love and respect themselves more and pursue avenues that will make them
feel good, allowing them to have fun.



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Appearance to the world of the rescuing personality

Overly responsible

High motivation to help others

Tendency to be stuck in their efforts to help change things

Very emotionally stable

Conscientious

Desire to be a "good'' person no matter how treated by others

Seen as a "victim'' due their treatment by troubled persons

Openly admit the existence of problems

Looks stuck in the situation, which creates problems for self

Irrational in loyalty to the troubled person, who takes advantage of him

A generous, selfless, good person who is being exploited

A burdened down person who carries others on his shoulders

Tries to help out people in trouble at home, work, school, in the community,
and in other social settings

Very tolerant of the bizarre and maladapted behaviors of troubled people

A sympathetic figure who is chronically taken advantage of

Inability to consider self first

Obsessively driven to care for others

Inability to be assertive and protect his own rights


Feelings inside persons with the rescuing personality traits

Angry at the problems confronting the troubled people in their life

Angry at others in their life who do not reach out to help or assist the
troubled people they come across

Resentful and angry about the chronic unhappiness the troubled people, whom
they help, cause for them

Angry and resentful if the troubled persons can take care of or solve their
own problems without assistance from the rescuer

Fear that if they don't help the troubled person, the person will be lost for
life

Fear that they will be misjudged by others for not taking an active stance to
help troubled persons

Anxious when in the presence of troubled people

So focused on the troubled person, they are not able to focus healthy
attention on themselves

Guilt at not doing enough to help the troubled people in their life

Feelings of low self-esteem when the troubled people suffer relapses

Depression when they are caught up in a "catch 22'' cycle of helping a
troubled person who gets back on his feet just enough to relapse

Confusion as to which is the best course of action to take with the troubled
person

Fear that they will be abandoned by the troubled persons in their lives

Fear that they will always be unhappy in a relationship with a troubled
person who is unwilling to reform

Exhaustion over never being able to resolve the problems of the troubled
person

Anger that they are the focus of other helpers who point out their rescuer
behavior as unhealthy


Negative consequences of rescuing behaviors

Low self-esteem

The more active the rescuing, the more unlikely that the troubled persons'
behavior will change or reform

The more active the rescuing, the deeper into denial of problems a troubled
person can go

Strained relations with everyone else in the rescuer's life for whom they
have no energy left

Other people involved with the troubled person become angry, hostile, and
resentful of the rescuer's efforts since it seems to exacerbate the troubled
person's behavior

Because rescuing behavior is not successful in changing the troubled person's
behavior, the rescuer becomes more obsessive in their efforts

Due to failure and exhaustion, rescuers can become sour on good will and the
caring attitudes of others

The rescuers can become so involved in the addictions of the troubled person
that the cessation of the addiction becomes the number one priority in their
lives

The rescuers have less and less time to maintain a social, athletic, friends
hip, or support network for themselves

The rescuers become so overwhelmed by their efforts to help that they can
ignore their own health and well being, thus getting sick themselves

The rescuers who consistently fail to change things can lose self-confidence
and eventually give in and join the troubled people in their troubled behavior
patterns

The rescuers can become so obsessive in pursuit of helping that they get
caught up in a denial web, failing to see the negative consequences of their
rescuing behavior

The rescuers can become resentful and turn against the very people they try
to help when no change occurs

Rescuers look for recognition and are hurt and disappointed when they are not
recognized for their good deeds


Irrational beliefs of people with the rescuing personality traits

If I don't do it, nobody will!

They need my help!

They will fail without my help!

I can't stand by and see them suffer!

They are too weak to endure the pressures in their life!

I would not be able to live with myself if I did not help them.

If they died because I didn't help them, I would feel responsible.

I feel responsible for the welfare of them all.

I don't care if they crap on me; I will still help them.

It goes with the turf of helping people to be abused, accused, ignored, and
blamed by them.

It doesn't matter if they never thank me for what I have done for them.

Just knowing I have helped them is a reward in itself.

These are rough times and kids need help to get through.

I know I'll always rescue him, even though I know it is not the best thing to
do.

"Tough love'' is a phrase that stands for no love at all.

How can you turn your back on someone who you know is hurting, sad, and
alone, especially when it is one of your own?

I don't care if he changes his behavior. I'll always help him out if he is in
a jam.

I love you and want to help you, so please come to me first, no matter what
the problem is.

You can't take care of yourself; you need me.

No matter what happens, I just want him to know I love him.


Turning negative rescuing traits into positive potential


Overly responsible

Over responsibility can be converted into appropriate responsibility. The
rescuers can be confronted reasonably and have the futility of their efforts
pointed out to them. Their responsibility can be re-directed to themselves so
that
they don't ignore self in their efforts to help others.

High motivation to help

High motivation to help can be used to help themselves get out of an
immobilizing strangle hold of trying to change the behavior of others at the
expense
of their own health.

Appearing emotionally stable

By taking off the mask of emotional stability, the rescuers can get help to
recognize that they are as "sick'' as the troubled people whom they are trying
to help. By admitting emotional instability, the rescuers become more
authentic and more likely to get help for themselves.

Overly conscientious

Being overly conscientious can be converted to being personally conscientious
about helping themselves. Not being able to let go of troubled people for
fear of what others might think drains their personal resources and energy,
making them vulnerable to illness.

Being a good person

You can't always be a good guy. Helping other people to accept personal
responsibility for themselves means that a helper might need to be "mean'' and
leave the people alone to solve the problems on their own. They can be "good
guys'' once the troubled people accept the challenge to change themselves.

Victim

Victims who know they are victims are martyrs and therefore choose to be
stepped on by others. Victims are to be pitied, but rescuers are usually not
victims, but martyrs and are not to be sympathized with. When rescuers recognize
this fact they can change their behavior with troubled people, no longer placing
themselves in "victim-like'' or martyr roles.

Open admission of problems of troubled persons

The admission of problems is good behavior when the rescuers person openly
admit that the rescuing behavior is unhealthy. Admitting that rescuing behavior
is problem behavior is the first step in helping rescuers change in order to
regain their own health.

Selfless and generous Rescuers are often exploited.

This behavior can be converted so that the generosity is aimed at themselves
with the rescuers recognizing that a certain degree of selfishness is healthy
if it means that their personal energy and health are protected from
exploitation and abuse.

Loyalty

Loyalty to their loved and troubled people can be converted to loyalty to
self. This change is essential for the rescuers to be able to begin taking care
of their personal health and well being.

Over-tolerance of bizarre behaviors

Over-tolerance needs to be converted so that the rescuers are able to
recognize what is "sick'' in their relationship with the troubled people. Once
they
recognize the "sick'' behavior they will be in a better position to react to
the troubled people in a rational and healthy manner







[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Appearance to the world of the people-pleasing personality

Very organized

Easily liked

Placators or appeasers

Friendly, outgoing, gregarious

Helpful, supportive

Courteous and considerate of others

Always smiling

Interested in others' welfare

Cooperative; real "team players''

Generous with own time and energy

Ready to volunteer

Accept delegation easily

"Company men''; very loyal

Ready to take on any new challenge that comes along

Work hard at pleasing others

Talented, skillful, and creative

A pleasure to spend time with

Happy, joyful, full of fun

Encouraging and reassuring

Go along with requests made by others

People mixers

Assets in any conversation

"Together,'' warm, and caring persons

People sought out for friendship; popular socially


Feelings inside persons with the people-pleasing personality traits

Fear of loss of approval

Fear of rejection

Fear of loss of personal identity

Fear of loss of personal worth

Denial of problems

Self-denial or ignoring of personal rights

Feeling lonely and isolated from others

Avoid conflicts or fights at any cost

Feeling not "good'' enough

Feeling undeserving

Feeling inferior to others

Concern about satisfying others' demands

Insecurity about personal abilities, skills, or knowledge

Compulsive need to please others

Unhappy over not pleasing others

Embarrassed by personal looks or behavior that displeases others

Confusion about why it takes so much energy to please others

Fear of not "doing best'' for others' sake

Fear of letting their friends and family down

Fear of failure

Fear of it being "found out'' they are not as good as they appear to others

Fear that others will recognize their failings

Desire to run away to avoid the stress of "always'' needing to be "good''

Exhaustion from always trying to be "perfect''

Disappointment in not being able to make everyone happy

Critical of how well they are doing in their personal lives

Feel unappreciated or taken advantage of

Feel taken for granted

Feel like they are being treated like victims

Feel like the martyr for others

Fear of making a decision lest it be the wrong one

Come unglued easily under pressure; unorganized


Negative consequences of people-pleasing behaviors

Low self-esteem

Loss of personal identity

Loss of personal rights

Being taken advantage of

Loss of personal time

Ineffectiveness in managing work

Inability to direct or supervise others

Inability to achieve personal goals

Inability to take a leadership role

Poor problem solving abilities

Burnout on the job or at home

Chronic state of being unappreciated

Immobilized by irrational beliefs

Guilt over not accomplishing enough or not being pleasing enough for others

Inability to maintain healthy interpersonal relationships

Loss of appreciation for self attributes

Inability to accept kindnesses from others

Chronic state of self-deprecation

Chronic state of being hard on self

Lack of trust in others' sincerity

Chronic state of insecurity in interacting with others

Inability to make a decision

Do not know how to relax


Irrational beliefs of people with the people-pleasing personality traits

I must be liked by everyone.

I must do nothing to upset others.

I must work harder to make things better for others.

They would never like me if they knew the truth about me.

I must be careful in my decision making so as not to upset anyone.

I can never do enough to please them.

I am responsible for other peoples' happiness.

How they respond to me is important.

The harder I work for them, the more they will appreciate me.

If they don't like me, I'm no good!

Always put others first! Put yourself last.

There is no task I won't do for you, large or small.

People can only like you if you appear nice, pleasant, friendly, and cheerful
to them.

Your only role in life is giving to or helping others.

If you are not successful, you are a loser and losers are ignored, unloved,
and unwanted.

It's not who you are but what you do that counts.

You must always be understanding and have an open mind with people who are
hurting you or putting you down.

If someone doesn't accept me, it must be that I'm not "good enough'' to be
accepted.

No matter what I do, it never seems to be "good enough.''

I can do nothing right. I am worthless, useless, but I can't let others see
this about me or they will reject me.


Turning negative people-pleasing traits into positive potential

Self-sacrificing

This behavior can be converted to rational altruism, in which they are able
to be self protective and self rewarding in their "giving'' behavior toward
others.

Self-deprecating

This behavior can be converted into realistic self appraisal by their being
led to recognize and accept personal strengths, abilities, and attributes. They
can be taught that "false humility'' is unhealthy and that it is OK to
"toot'' one's horn when appropriate.

Poor decision making ability

This poor decision making can be converted to productive problem solving and
effective decision making by allowing themselves the right to hold to their
own opinions and to be creative without the fear of what others would say and
without fear of retribution. Freeing up their mental energy will result in
increased productivity, creativity, and healthy decision making.

Loss of personal identity

By being able to accept themselves for who they are without fear of
recriminations or disapproval, they can become firm in their beliefs as to who
they are
and what they are capable of doing and becoming.

Martyrdom

Rather than placing themselves in situations in which their rights are
ignored and where they are taken advantage of, they can learn to be assertive
and
begin to protect their rights, ceasing to be victimized by others.

Need for approval

By increasing their habits of self-affirmations and positive self-approval,
they can alter both their need for approval and their fear of rejection by
being their own best friend, cheerleader, reinforcer, and approver. They have to
accept and approve of themselves before others will.

Dependent on others for positive reinforcement

Because they have low self-esteem they reinforcement become so dependent on
others for attention, affection, and approval that they become "addicted'' to
positive affirmation from others. This can be converted by becoming self
caring, self affirming, self accepting, and by becoming emotionally independent
from
others.

Fear of failure

By recognizing that one's worth is not solely dependent on "doing well,''
"achieving things'' or by doing things to please others, they can let go of the
fear of letting people down by failing to achieve self-imposed goals or goals
others have set for them. Learning to turn failures into growth enhancing
experiences is another way they can let go of this fear.

Unswerving loyalty

Those who find security in being loyal to institutions rather than to
themselves can reverse this behavior by recognizing the value of self directed
attention and concern for personal health and well being. Being loyal to self
results in a holistic sense of wellness of body, mind, and spirit.

Hard on self

This results in self punishing and self restrictive behavior. By letting go
of the need to be "good enough'' for everyone else and by letting go of
perfectionism in personal efforts, they can lighten up on themselves and learn
to
enjoy life, to relax, have fun and play, nurturing the inner child in
themselves.





Girl, Interrupted...

<A HREF="http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri">AZFae</A>
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


  <A HREF="http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/">EVA Homesite</A>
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/


<A HREF="http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse/">Yahoo! Groups :
End_Verbal_Abuse Volunteer Group Leader</A>
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


<A HREF="http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents/">Yahoo! Groups :
CoDependents Volunteer Group Leader</A>

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents






[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

20 MALIGNANT NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDERS -
HOW MANY DOES YOURS HAVE?

We have used the male gender. Yours could be female.

1. THE PATHOLOGICAL LIAR will lie for no reason. He is skilful and
convincing, and will make up new lies when questioned or his memory fails. He is
self-serving, abusive, evasive and will deny past statements. He will bluff and
threaten.

Defence Strategy: Find a way to verify what he says. Don't tip your hand.
Don't reveal things he will use against you. Don't believe a word he says.

2. THE CONTRACT BREAKER will agree to anything then turn around and do the
opposite. Legal, custody agreements and normal social or personal protocol mean
nothing to him. This con artist will accuse you of being the contract breaker.
Enjoys orchestrating police/legal action and playing the role of the 'poor
me' victim.

Defence Strategy: Expect him to disregard the agreement. Have an effective
Plan B in place. Protect yourself financially and emotionally.

3. THE ACADEMIC OR CORPORTATE HIGH ROLLER This occupationally-successful N
will rise to the top. His family mere props in his success facade. They are
disposable objects at his whim. Often eloquent and intelligent in his field.
This
N often masterfully fakes his abilities and credentials. Very charismatic. He
must be in absolute control. He relies on his intellectual manipulative
ability. He will support, exploit or target others to further his ever-changing
objective.

He ruthlessly abuses the power of his position. His bad judgement has adverse
affects on society. He places others in problem or failure situations. He can
be a vindictive bully in the office. He has no social conscience, often
suspicious and paranoid. Others may support him to further their own objective
but
this wheeler-dealer leaves them holding the bag.

Defence Strategy: Keep your references and resume up to date. Don't get
involved in anything illegal. Document thoroughly to protect yourself. Thwarting
them may backlash with a cascade of retaliation. Educate yourself about
corporate bullies.

4. THE SEXUAL NARCISSIST is often hypersexual (male or female). Pornography,
masturbation, incest are reported by his targets. Anyone, young, old,
male/female, even animals are there for his gratification. This predator takes
what is
available. Can have a preference for 'sado-maso' sexuality. Often easily
bored, he demands increasingly deviant stimulation. However, another behaviour
exists, the one who withholds sex or emotional support.

Defence Strategy: Expect this type to try to degrade you. Get away from him.
Expect him to tell lies about your sexuality to evade exposure of his own.

5. THE BLAME-GAME NARCISSIST never accepts responsibility. He always blames
others. Others must clean up the mess he makes. A master at projection.

Defence Strategy: Learn about projection. Don't take the bait when he blames
you.

6. THE VIOLENT NARCISSIST Wife-Beater, Murderer, Serial Killer, Stalker,
Terrorist. Has a 'chip-on-his-shoulder' attitude. He lashes out and destroys or
uses others as scapegoats for his aggression or revenge. He has poor impulse
control. Fearless and guiltless, he shows bad judgement. He anticipates
betrayal,
humiliation or punishment, imagines rejection and will reject first to 'get
it over with'. He will harass and push even more now to get your reaction. He
will try to make you look out of control. Can become dangerous and
unpredictable He has no remorse or regard for the rights of others.

Defence Strategy: Don't antagonize or tip your hand you're leaving. Ask for
help from the police and shelters.

7. THE CONTROLLER/MANIPULATOR will pit people against each other. Keeps his
allies and targets separated. He is verbally skilful at twisting our words and
actions. He is charismatic and usually gets his way. Often undermines our
support network and discourages us from seeing our family and friends. Money is
often his objective. Other people's money is even better.

He is ruthless, devious and cruel. This control-freak bully places people in
situations where they are dependent on him. Often appears pitiful, confused
and in need of help. We rush in to help him with our finances, assets, and
talents. We may be used as his proxy interacting with others on his behalf as he
sets us up to take the fall or enjoys the performance he is directing.

Defence Strategy: Know the 'nature of the beast'. Facing his failure and
consequences will be his best lesson. Be suspicious of his motives, and avoid
involvement. Don't bail him out.

8. THE SUBSTANCE ABUSER Alcohol, drugs, cannabis, you name it, this N does
it. We see his over-indulgence in food or exercise and his need for instant
gratification.

Defence Strategy: Don't sink to his level. Say No.

9. OUR "SOUL MATE" He is cunning and knows who to select and who to avoid.
This N will come on strong, sweep us off our feet. He seems to have the same
values, interests, goals, philosophies, tastes and habits. He admires our
intellect, ambition, honesty and sincerity. He wants to marry us quickly. He
will
display integrity, and appear helpful, comforting, generous in his
'idealization'
of us phase.

It never lasts. Eventually Jekyll turns into Hyde. His discarded victims
suffer emotional and financial devastation. We end the relationship and salvage
what we can, or we are devalued and discarded quickly as he attaches to his "new
perfect soul mate". He is an opportunistic parasite. Our healing is lengthy.

Defence Strategy: Seek therapy. Learn about this disorder. Know the red flags
of their behaviour, and "If he seems too good to be true..."

10. THE QUIET NARCISSIST is socially withdrawn, often dirty, unkempt. Odd
thinking is observed.

11. THE SADIST is now the fully-unmasked malignant narcissist. We are
psychologically and emotionally traumatized. His objective is often watching us
dangle as he inflicts emotional, physical and verbal cruelty. His enjoyment is
all
too obvious. His pleasure is in the taking, not the owning of other people's
assets. His target: women, children, the elderly, anyone vulnerabie. Often this
coward will not pick on someone his own size.

Defence Strategy: Accept the Jekyll/Hyde reality. Make a "no contact' rule.
Avoid him altogether. End any avenue of vulnerability. Don't allow thoughts of
his past 'good guy' image to lessen the reality of his disorder.

12. THE RAGER will fly off the handle for little or no provocation. Often a
strong disproportionate overreaction to the situation. His child-like emotions
burst forth in a tantrum. His rage is intimidating. He wants control and our
compliance. In our hurt and mental confusion we struggle to make things right.
Our reaction is his payoff. He seeks both good or bad attention. Even our
fear, crying, yelling, screaming, name calling, hatred he enjoys. Any attention
is
better than none. He likes to be hated even by society. If he can get
attention by his cruelty he will do so.

Defence Strategy: Don't take the bait of his verbal abuse. Expect emotional
hurt. Don't rage back. Violence is possible.

13. THE BRAINWASHER is a charismatic. He targets groups to achieve his goal
of manipulation, status, control, compliance, money, attention. Often found in
religion and politics. He masterfully targets the naive, vulnerable,
uneducated or mentally weak. Defence Strategy. Learn about brainwashing
techniques.
Listen to your gut instinct. Avoid them.

14. THE RISK-TAKING THRILL-SEEKER never learns from his past follies and bad
judgment. Poor impulse control is a hallmark.

Defence Strategy: Don't get involved. Use your own good judgement. Say No.

15. THE PARANOID NARCISSIST is suspicious of everything usually for no
reason. Terrified of exposure and may be dangerous if threat of exposure is
imminent. Suddenly ends relationships if he imagines or anticipates abandonment.

Defence Strategy: Give him no reason to be suspicious of you. Expect it. Let
some things slide. Protect yourself if you anticipate violence.

16. THE IMAGE MAKER will flaunt his 'toys', his children, his wife, his
credentials and accomplishments. Admiration, attention, even glances from
others,
our envy or our fear are his goals. He can never have enough. We see his false
mask of arrogance and haughty strut as he demands center stage. He will alter
his masks at will to appear pitiful, inept, solicitous, concerned. He falsely
portrays himself to be the perfect father, husband, friend.

Defence Strategy: Ignore his childlike behaviours. Know his payoff is
attention or abusing others.

17. THE EMOTIONAL VACUUM Perhaps the cruellest blow of all. We learn he has
no emotions, no empathy. He has deceived us by his cunning ability to mimic
human emotions. Emotionally he is small child. We are left numbed by the
realization. It is incomprehensible and painful. We now remember times we saw
his cold
vacant eyes and when he showed odd reactions to situations. Those closest to
him are objectified and expendable.

Defence Strategy: Face the reality. They deceive even trained professionals.

18. THE SAINT proclaims his high moral standing. He sees others as immoral.
He wants justice for society. "Hang 'em high" he says about the murderer on the
6:00 news. This hypocrite lies, cheats, schemes, corrupts, abuses, deceives,
controls, manipulates and torments while portraying himself to be highly
moral.

Defence Strategy: Learn the red flags of behaviour. Be suspicious of people
claiming such high morals.

19. THE CALLING-CARD NARCISSIST forewarns his targets. Early in the
relationship he will laugh, grin and say "You need to protect yourself around
me" or
"Watch out, you never know what I'm up to." We laugh along with him and
misinterpret his words. Years later, coping with the devastation he's left
behind, his
victims recall the chilling warning.

Defence Strategy: Know these red flags and be suspicious of the intentions of
others.

20. THE PENITENT NARCISSIST says "I've behaved horribly, I'll change, I
should have listened to you, I love you, I'll go for therapy" We learn his words
are verbal hooks. He knows our vulnerabilities and what buttons to push. The
sincerity of his words and actions appear convincing. We question our judgement
about his disorder. We can disregard "Fool me once..." We hope for change and
minimize past abuse. This N will enjoy his second reign of terror even more if
we allow him back in our lives.

Defence Strategy: Expect this. Self-enforce a "No Contact" rule. Focus on the
reality of his disorder. Keep reminders of past abuse. Join a support group.
Enjoy life free of the Narcissist!!









Girl, Interrupted...

<A HREF="http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri">AZFae</A>
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


  <A HREF="http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/">EVA Homesite</A>
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/


<A HREF="http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse/">Yahoo! Groups :
End_Verbal_Abuse Volunteer Group Leader</A>
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


<A HREF="http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents/">Yahoo! Groups :
CoDependents Volunteer Group Leader</A>

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