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#1955

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Wed Mar 19, 2003 1:41 am
Subject: Freedom from Codependency

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Freedom from Codependency

Girl, Interrupted...

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#1940

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Wed Dec 11, 2002 3:10 am
Subject: Am I Controlling?

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Am I Controlling?

I must be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.

I value other's approval of my thinking, feelings and behaviors over my own.

I agree with others so they will like me.

I focus my attention on protecting others, even from themselves.

I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.

I keep score of "good deeds and favors," becoming very hurt when they are not repaid.

I am very skilled at guessing how other people are feeling.

I can anticipate others' needs and desire, meeting them before they are asked to be met.

I become resentful when others will not let me help them.

I am calm and efficient in other people's crisis situations.

I feel good about myself only when I am helping others.

I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.

I put aside my own interests and concerns in order to do what others want.

I ask for help and nurturing only when I am ill, and then reluctantly.

I cannot tolerate seeing others in pain.

I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.

I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.

I attempt to convince others of how they "truly" think and "should" feel.

I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well� being of others.

Girl, Interrupted...

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#1925

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Fri Nov 22, 2002 5:56 pm
Subject: Unconditional Love

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This sounds just like my family. I have never experienced unconditional love. Has anyone else had this issue?

Unconditional Love

A story is told about a soldier who was finally coming home after
having fought in Vietnam. He called his parents from San Francisco.

"Mom and Dad, I'm coming home, but I've a favor to ask.
I have a friend I'd like to bring home with me."

"Sure," they replied, "we'd love to meet him."

"There's something you should know," the son continued,
"he was hurt pretty badly in the fighting. He stepped on a
land mine and lost an arm and a leg. He has no where
else to go, and I want him to come and live with us."

"I'm sorry to hear that, son. Maybe we can help him find
somewhere to live."

"No, Mom and Dad, I want him to live with us."

"Son, said the father, you don't know what you're asking.
Someone with such a handicap would be a terrible burden on us.

We have our own lives to live, and we can't let something like this
interfere with our lives. I think you should just come home and forget
about this guy. He'll find a way to live on his own."

At that point, the son hung up the phone.

The parents heard nothing more from him.

A few days later, however, they received a call from the San
Francisco Police. Their son had died after falling from a building
they were told.

The police believed it was suicide.

The grief-stricken parents flew to San Francisco and were taken
to the city morgue to identify the body of their son.

They recognized him, but to their horror they also discovered
something they didn't know, their son had only one arm and one leg.

The parents in this story are like many of us. We find it easy to love those
who are good-looking or fun to have around, but we don't like people who
inconvenience us or make us feel uncomfortable.

We would rather stay away from people who aren't as healthy,
or beautiful, or rich, or smart as we are.

Thankfully, there's someone who won't treat us that way. Someone who
loves us with an unconditional love that welcomes us into the forever family,
regardless of how we are.

Tonight, before you tuck yourself in for the night, say a little
prayer that God will give you the strength you need to accept people as
they are, and to help us all be more understanding of those who are
different from us!!!

There's a Miracle called Friendship. Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed.
They make you smile and encourage you to succeed They lend an ear,
they share a word of praise, and they always want to open their hearts to us.

Girl, Interrupted...

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#1917

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Sun Nov 17, 2002 12:34 pm
Subject: The Mirror - - Looking At My Inner Child

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The Mirror - - Looking At My Inner Child

I listen to my Soul whisper,
"Go more deeply still."
Breathless, with eyes wide open
I leap into the abyss of my hidden childhood feelings:

Resentment, jealousy, rage.
I was the "good little girl,"
It wasn't safe to make waves.

As I free fall with reckless abandon,
Memories from my childhood fade in, fade out.
My first impulse is to flee from my past.

Dare I enter Pandora's box,
Exposing myself to the pain I so masterfully concealed?
My Soul beckons me to face my inner demons.
Denial only seems to perpetuate my suffering.

Now I proceed slowly as if walking behind death's shadow.
The blackened void consumes my every step.
I am alone, separate, terrified, without hope.
Has my Soul tricked me?
Is life simply about living my death?

I must continue on this journey toward Self-Love.
I must seek out the Truth of my Being.
I must follow my passion to know God.
What else can lead me to the peace for which I so yearn?

I gradually surrender to my inner demons.
The presence of peace enfolds me.
As if suspended in a cocoon of grace,
I melt into the sweet ease of the eternal now.

My Soul then presents me with a gift, a mirror.
Gazing into the looking glass,
I am face to face with my frightened inner child.
She sits in a corner, speechless, paralyzed with despair.

Gently my Soul encourages me to be with her.
Tenderly my Soul speaks within the stillness of my Heart.
"Ask of your fear-stricken child:
What have you to teach me?
How can I make you my friend?
How can I free myself from this suffocating pain?"

Sensing my sincerity, my inner child relaxes and replies:
"I can teach you how to Love me if you will listen.
Listen to your Heart, speak from your Heart, trust your Heart.
The Heart is where we feel and hear God's Love.
I will always be your friend if you just love and honor me.
Promise to never leave me again.
We can face our inner demons together,
Finding our way back home to Love."

My Soul lovingly continues:
"Embrace her and the feelings of jealousy, rage, and resentment.
Ask her why you have these feelings?
How did you get them and from where did they come?
How can you accept and give gratitude for them?"

With a trusting Heart my inner child proceeds:
"You were not allowed to express sadness or anger as a child.
You had to hide these feelings to protect yourself.
Your mom and dad didn't always listen to you.
They couldn't honor your feelings and comfort you.
They had the same problem with their parents.
No one really knew how to listen or care for them."

"Together we have the courage to feel our feelings.
We can let them go and forgive our parents and ourselves.
We can bless these feelings.
They will teach us how to Love again.
They have brought us back together and opened our Heart.
I am free to be a true child of joy with you."

Tears of joy overflow,
As I fully embrace my inner child.
Her gift of inner peace has Awakened my sleeping Heart.
Filled with a sense of compassion and Love,
My transformation begins.
I will listen to my Heart, my Soul, my inner child.
I am at peace.

Then my Soul whispers:
"Listen with a loving and compassionate Heart.
All the answers lie within you, Beloved.
Facing your fears and unresolved feelings will set you free.
These are the doorways to your Enlightenment."

"You are Unconditional Love.
This is the Truth of your Being.
There is nowhere to go and nothing to do.
It is already accomplished."

"You are the Creator of your life.
Live this message joyously.
Beloved, you are peace!"

Taken from soulonline.org

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#1912

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Sun Oct 27, 2002 11:07 pm
Subject: I Relinquish Guilt and Shame

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FORGIVENESS

Make a list of all the decisions, actions, thoughts, that you feel you need to forgive yourself for.

You need not show this to anyone. These are yours.

After you have written as many as you feel you can, write across each one “I forgive myself.”

Not with the attitude of “what a fool I am” nor with the attitude of “this is an exercise I am doing because I read about it” but, rather, with a heartfelt joy of knowing that you are letting go of unnecessary baggage.

Send yourself a hug for each one and let it go. You will begin to create a new you.

Once you have forgiven yourself you have the power to forgive others.

Give a gift to yourself. Forgive yourself. Along the rocky road of life we have all made choices that weren't always in our or others best interest. Greed, lust, hate, jealousy, anger may have caused us to make a choice or take an action that has, in retrospect, not been a very wise choice. We may have harmed someone or ourselves, physically, emotionally, or spiritually. Family members are usually the easiest targets from which many difficult choices were made.

Guilt, shame and blame are the primary emotions that accompany someone who has not forgiven themselves. Are these emotions present in you? Do you replay your "mistakes" or do you bury them wishing them to never be seen or heard from again? Did you or do you run away?

Why forgive yourself? Afterall you are the one that screwed up? Look at the damage, the pain and the suffering you caused! It was your fault and you are to blame.

Here is the reasoning in forgiving yourself. Those black marks, those black deeds, those demons that you carry around with you are part of your belief system that say "I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH, I DON'T DESERVE TO BE COMPLETELY HAPPY." And any time that do begin to have feelings of joy and happiness you are quickly reminded of when you did_______________(you fill in the blank). Instantly you come down, from any high that you might be attaining, crashing hard right back to the place of I'm not good enough, I don't deserve...

Forgiveness is a way out. Forgiveness of self is about letting go of your past. Follow this:

We all make the best choice based on the information we have at the time. For example: (And this is just an example. It is not true.) My son tells me that he is not feeling well and doesn't want to go to school. I look him over and decide that I can't see anything wrong with him and assume his not feeling well will probably pass in a short while. I decide to send him to school. I choose to send him to school because I have to go to work, there is no one to look after him, and it's not uncommon for him to feel a bit off and recover very quickly. I believe that I have made the best choice at this time.

A few hours later I get a call from the hospital that my son has been admitted with some medical problem and is in serious trouble. After arriving at the hospital I am told that if I had noticed a problem earlier my son might not be in such danger.

Should I feel guilty? Am I to blame? Is this my fault? I should have know better.

I made, at the time of my son's first complaint of his sickness, the best choice that I thought available. If I had known that he was very sick and in great danger do you think I might have made a different choice? Of course I would have. And so it goes for each one of us with every choice. We make the best choice based on the current information. New information. New choices.

Forgiveness is about letting go of the old dirty baggage that we are carrying around. You see, without forgiveness of self, anytime things are going good, we dig into our dirty laundry for some stinky clothes. The clothes that prove that we are not worthy. I believe it's time to get rid of those old clothes. They no longer serve any purpose but to take away from who we really are. And we are the shining light. the wondrous creation, the perfect soul, the Divine. Let us show who we really are. We are not of darkness. We are of Light.

So let's begin by writing down all and I do mean all those things that we have said or done or thought of doing that cause or caused us guilt, shame or blame. After completing this write across each item that you need to forgive yourself for "I forgive myself" and mean it. Do not beat yourself up while doing this exercse. This exercise is about letting go. It is not about digging up the past to make you feel the guilt, shame and blame. Imagine all that dirty laundry going up to the sun and being exploded into nothingness. No trace. Gone. Gone. Gone.

Time to let your light shine. You are making new choices, new decisions. You are not of the same vibration as when you made your original choice. You have new information now. Make a new choice. Let go. Let the Light in. You are good enough. You do deserve whatever you want.

When you have comleted this exercise know that you have cleaned your past and now there is a void. You get to choose what to put in the void. Let Light into your void. Fill it with Light, love, happiness, joy, peace and harmony.

Now that you have forgiven yourself concentrate on the forgiving of others for this too is baggage that you carry. You are not your baggage. You are you, magnifent, powerful and on purpose. Give yourself a gift. Forgive yourself and forgive others.

Phil

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#1872

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Tue Sep 3, 2002 12:27 am
Subject: THE TWELVE STEP LIST FOR NORMIES

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THE TWELVE STEP LIST FOR NORMIES

Made a decision that I could manage to control everything if people would just quit trying to make my life unmanagable.

Firmly believed that there was no power greater than myself and anyone who said so was insane.

Made a decision to remove my will and my life from the care of god who did not understand me anyhow.

Made a searching and moral inventory of everyone I knew, so they could not fool me.

Sought these people out and tried to get them to admit to me and to god the exact nature of their wrongs.

Became willing to help these people to get rid of their defects of character.

Was humble enough to ask these people to remove all their shortcomings.

Made a list of all the persons who had harmed me and waited patiently for a chance to get even with them.

Got even with these people whenever possible, except when to do so would get me into too much trouble.

Continued to take everyone's inventory and when they were wrong, which was most of the time, promptly tried to make them admit it.

Sought through concentration of my will power to get god, who didn't understand me anyway, to see that my idea's were really better than his, and that he should give me the power to carry them out.

Having maintained my thinking many years through these steps I recommended them to other controllers who did not want to lose their hard-earned status, but wanted to be alone to practice their dysfunction.

Freedom Begins By Changing The Dance;
That The Enemy May Fumble, Whilst You Prepare to Soar.

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#1871

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Tue Sep 3, 2002 12:26 am
Subject: Who Are The 'NORMIES'?

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Who Are The 'NORMIES'?

Before we get any futher into this issue of recovery, I feel it important to discuss what we might be recovering from. In other words, what might be considered 'normal' by society and what might not be.

A list of personality characteristics follows. Please take the time to read it now. For the sake of this article I will call these people 'normies'.

WHAT A TYPICAL 'NORMAL' PERSON'S RECOVERY PROGRAM MIGHT LOOK LIKE:

Normies love to help others.

Normies have difficulty asking for what they need or want.

Normies suffer accumulated pain.

Normies thrive on crises.

Normies have difficulty experiencing and talking about their feelings, especially anger.

Normies are often alcoholics or drug addicted.

Normies have difficulty being assertive.

Normies feel they are not O.K.

Normies don't trust people.

Normies either adapt readily with people, places and things, or else try to rigidly control them.

Normies have trouble being direct.

Normies are extremely sensitive to criticism.

Normies have trouble managing money.

Normies either procrastinate or are rigidly punctual.

Normies frequently see life through extremes, all good or all bad.

Normies frequently have been abused physically, emotionally, spiritually, and / or sexually.

Normies are impulsive.

Normies are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is underserved.

Nornies are either super-responsible or super-irresponsible.

Normies feel that they are different from other people.

Normies constantly seek approval and affirmation.

Normies over-react to changes over which they have no control.

Normies take themselves very seriously.

Normies have difficulty with intimate relationships.

Normies judge themselves without mercy.

Normies lie when it is just as easy to tell the truth.

Normies have difficulty in following a project through from beginning to end.

Normies GUESS AT WHAT IS NORMAL.

Now... according to the experts: 96% of the population are 'normies' !!

Freedom Begins By Changing The Dance;
That The Enemy May Fumble, Whilst You Prepare to Soar.

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#1853

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Thu Aug 22, 2002 9:25 am
Subject: Heal Your Resentments

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>From "Journey to the Heart - Daily Meditations on the Path
to Freeing Your Soul" by Melody Beattie

**********************
Heal Your Resentments
**********************
How fast resentments creep in during the course of an
ordinary year. How
much faster they can creep in during intense times, times
of change, times
of evolution – the kind of times we’ve been experiencing on
our journey.

Things shift. Things change. We let go of the old and
stumble toward the
new. And resentments crop up along the way. People become
angry with us
for changing; we become angry with them because we believe
their
experiences have unjustly impacted us.

Resentments are tricky little things, devious little devils
of energy that
block and damage our souls and hearts. They tell us they’re
justified.
They tell us we need them to protect ourselves. They tell
us we should
have adopted them a long time ago. They tell us we’re not
safe if we
release them, if we send them packing.

Those are lies, illusions that keep us blocked, stuck, and
often quite
uncomfortable.

Go deeper into yourself. What do you feel underneath the
resentment?
Betrayed? Hurt? Ashamed? Embarrassed? Left out? Forgotten?
Misunderstood? You're safe now. Go ahead and feel whatever
you need to
feel. Honor and recognize your gentler, softer side – those
other
feelings that make you feel vulnerable, those more tender
feelings hiding
behind, underneath, or to the side of the resentment.

************************
Feel and release your resentment.
Feel the feelings underneath it, too.
You’ll become clear. The resentment
will dissolve. And you’ll return to love.
**************************

Freedom Begins By Changing The Dance;
That The Enemy May Fumble, Whilst You Prepare to Soar.

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#1829

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Fri Jul 19, 2002 4:18 pm
Subject: CHILDREN TALK ABOUT LOVE....

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CHILDREN TALK ABOUT LOVE....

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"

"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." Michelle, age 9

"Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat." Dick, age 7

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS

You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls." Julia, age 7

"You learn it right on the spot when the gushy feelings get the best of you." Brian, age 7

"It might help to watch soap operas all day." Carin, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"When they're rich." Pam, age 7

"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you.
That's why I stopped doing it." Tammy, age 10

"If it's your mother, you can kiss her any time. But if it's a new
person, you have to ask permission." Roger, age 6

"I look at kissing like this: Kissing is fine if you like it,
but it's a free country and nobody should be forced to do it."
Tom, Age 7

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE

"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." Dick,age 7

"Don't forget your wife's name. That will mess up the love.
Erin, age 8

"Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind. Love
isn't like picking what movie you want to watch." Natalie, age 9

Have a great weekend!

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#1802

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Sun Jul 7, 2002 3:44 pm
Subject: Am I a Sex and Love Addict?

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Am I a Sex and Love Addict?

Only you can answer this question. This may not be an easy thing to do.

The 40 questions for self diagnosis are designed to be used as guidelines to identifying possible signposts of sex and love addiction. They are not intended to provide a sure-fire method of diagnosis, nor can negative answers to these questions provide absolute assurance that the illness is not present.

Many sex and love addicts have varying patterns which can result in very different ways of approaching and answering these questions. Despite this fact, we have found that short, to-the-point questions have often provided as effective a tool for self-diagnosis as have lengthy explanations of what sex and love addiction is. We appreciate that the diagnosis of sex and love addiction is a matter that needs to be both very serious and very private. We hope that these questions will prove helpful.

Have you ever tried to control how much sex to have or how often you would see someone?

Do you find yourself unable to stop seeing a specific person even though you know that seeing this person is destructive to you?

Do you feel that you don't want anyone to know about your sexual or romantic activities?

Do you get "high" from sex and/or romance?

Have you had sex at inappropriate times, in inappropriate places, and/or with inappropriate people?

Do you make promises to yourself concerning your sexual or romantic behavior that you find you cannot follow?

Have you had or do you have sex with someone you don't (didn't) want to have sex with?

Do you believe that sex and/or a relationship will make your life bearable?

Have you ever felt that you had to have sex?

Do you believe that someone can "fix" you?

Do you keep a list, written or otherwise, of the number of partners you've had?

Do you feel desperation or uneasiness when you are away from your lover or sexual partner?

Have you lost count of the number of sexual partners you've had?

Do you feel desperate about your need for a lover, sexual fix, or future mate?

Have you or do you have sex regardless of the consequences (e.g.. the threat of being caught, the risk of contracting herpes, gonorrhea, AIDS, etc.)?

Do you find that you have a pattern of repeating bad relationships?

Do you feel that your only (or major) value in a relationship is your ability to perform sexually, or provide an emotional fix?

Do you feel that you're not "really alive" unless you are with your sexual / romantic partner?

Do you feel entitled to sex?

Do you find yourself in a relationship that you cannot leave?

Have you ever threatened your financial stability or standing in the community by pursuing a sexual partner?

Do you believe that the problems in your "love life" result from continuing to remain with the "wrong" person?

Have you ever had a serious relationship threatened or destroyed because of outside sexual activity?

Do you feel that life would have no meaning without a love relationship or without sex?

Do you find yourself flirting or sexualizing with someone even if you do not mean to?

Does your sexual and/or romantic behavior affect your reputation?

Do you have sex and/or "relationships" to try to deal with, or escape from life's problems?

Do you feel uncomfortable about your masturbation because of the frequency with which you masturbate, the fantasies you engage in, the props you use, and/or the places in which you do it?

Do you engage in the practice of voyeurism, exhibitionism, etc. in ways that bring discomfort and pain?

Do you find yourself needing greater and greater variety and energy in your sexual or romantic activities just to achieve an "acceptable" level of physical and emotional relief?

Do you need to have sex, or "fall in love" in order to feel like a "real man" or a "real woman"?

Do you feel that your sexual and romantic behavior is about as rewarding as hijacking a revolving door?

Are you unable to concentrate on other areas of your life because of thoughts or feelings you are having about another person or about sex?

Do you find yourself obsessing about a specific person or sexual act even though these thoughts bring pain, craving or discomfort?

Have you ever wished you could stop or control your sexual and romantic activities for a given period of time?

Do you find the pain in your life increasing no matter what you do?

Do you feel that you lack dignity and wholeness?

Do you feel that your sexual and/or romantic life affects your spiritual life in a negative way?

Do you feel that your life is unmanageable because of your excessive dependency needs?

Have you ever thought that there might be more you could do with your life if you were not so driven by sexual and romantic pursuits?

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#1801

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Sun Jul 7, 2002 3:42 pm
Subject: Addicted to Love

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Addicted to Love by Rachel Devine

Most lucky people fall in love at least once in their life.

But if you need to experience the symptoms of 'falling in love' on a regular basis, then beware - you could be addicted to love.

1. Do you often experience a feeling of emotional ecstasy when you begin a relationship - an emotional 'high'?

2. Do you tend to vastly overestimate that person's good qualities and virtually ignoring their faults?

3. Do you think obsessively and repetitively about that person throughout the day, even if you don't want to and those feelings are not reciprocated?

4. Do you have constant mood swings, from a feeling of great elation to deep depression?

5. Do these feelings intrude on other aspects of your life, including your work?

6. Do you always imagine that person to be 'the love of your life?

If you've said yes to three or more of these tell-tale signs, read on.

A once in a lifetime experience?

Falling in love can be such a wonderful thing. However, the initial excitement of the first few dates, sweaty palms and long, lingering kisses soon wears off and, when the love addict is forced to come down off that emotional high, he or she often loses interest.

Often mistaken for fear of commitment, love addiction is more complicated than a dread of settling down. The love addict often believes that the object of their desire is their 'soul mate' and, deep down, longs for a lasting relationship.

Relationship psychologist Emily Jones warns that the feelings and emotions that accompany falling in love leave the sufferer craving more. Research has shown that, when people 'fall in love', that is to say, when they meet someone and feel an instant attraction, certain hormone levels are increased. It's these hormones that cause the feeling of elation and butterflies in the stomach. These levels then fall again, after a period. Like any addiction that causes people to feel an initial high, love addicts don't want that feeling to end.'

Even the stars suffer from 'love addiction'. Pretty Woman star, Julia Roberts, dated a string of Hollywood hunks, including Liam Neeson, Kiefer Sutherland and Jason Patric, each time declaring it was 'true love'. DJ Chris Evans has been seen out with a never-ending list of glamorous women, but none of his relationships have lasted. Love addicts often don’t realise they have a problem and survive on the thrill and excitement of a new relationship.

Thirty-four year old beauty consultant, Maggie Evans, sought counselling after an eight-year spell of whirlwind romances that left her emotionally exhausted and on the brink of suicide.

‘I was so addicted to that feeling of having butterflies in my stomach, and feeling my heart beat so fast it was as though it was going to burst.’

‘Deep down I was desperate to fall in love and make it last, but as soon as I was in a relationship for a few weeks, I began to feel dejected and disillusioned. It was as though I was coming off an incredible high and having to face up to the realities of day-to-day life. I was never getting to know anyone properly and, as a result, they never lived up to the Prince Charming ideal I created for them, when I first met them.’

After yet another failed romance, Maggie sought counselling to help her beat her addiction: 'I was beginning to feel desperately depressed because I never thought I would find my perfect partner.'
'I eventually came to realise that just because that initial buzz didn't last, it didn't mean a relationship couldn't be fulfilling. I'm currently in a two-year relationship and, finally, I can say, being in love is everything I'd hoped it would be.'

Getting over love addiction can be a struggle. Emily Jones recommends that, once the sufferer realises they have a serious problem, they seek some form of counselling to overcome their addiction.

'Love addiction can be a serious affliction and not just a phase'. People who suffer from addictions to alcohol or drugs would never be told, 'just get over it', says Jones. 'The people who come to me with this problem often feel that, the constant process of falling in love again and again is taking over their lives. I would advise anyone who feels like this to seek some sort of help from a counsellor or psychologist trained to deal with relationship problems.'

'Of course, not everyone who has a love addiction will need this kind of help. For some it's just a matter of taking a long hard look at the kind of relationships they form, and realising you can't keep falling in love forever. They need to ask themselves why they fall in love so often without ever sticking it out with one person. Especially, if it's making them unhappy.' But then, some people can't help themselves.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the person I cannot change, the courage to change the person I can... And the wisdom to know that person is me."

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#1794

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Sun Jul 7, 2002 7:03 am
Subject: Fear of Intimacy - Adult Children of Alcoholics

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Fear of Intimacy
Frederick A. Levy LCSW

Behind the appearance of calm and success, Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) often bear a sad and haunted look that betrays their quietest confidence. In the chilling silence of the darkest nights of their souls, they yearn for intimacy: their greatest longing, and deepest fear.

Their creeping terror lives on as the step-child of years of emotional, and sometimes physical, family violence. Normally, children learn about intimate relationships through both loving interactions with parents, and effective parental modeling.

In alcoholic homes, all relating filters through "the bottle," with the alcoholic addicted to the alcohol and the spouse addicted to the alcoholic. Their marriage hovers menacingly in the center of the family as a black hole, drawing all available love and energy cataclysmically to its center, until all are swept away.

For ACAs, surviving their families becomes the point of existence. The fortunate may be able to draw support from a supportive adult, and may emerge with fewer difficulties than their brothers and sisters.

The majority, however, have to "make do." Some spend lonely hours in their rooms wishing only to vanish behind the woodwork. Others attempt to rescue the foundering victims in their midst.

When a Child of an Alcoholic's father threatens his family during a drunken rage, he may stand between them, putting himself at great risk. He wins the peace, but only at the cost of the emotional vulnerability he must develop in order to form mutually nurturing relationships. Instead, he builds a wall of mortar and brick which protects him from all forms of human touching, no matter how harsh or soft.

There are many approaches Children of Alcoholics may take to handle their stress. Some, sensing their family's need for relief, provide humor, distraction; anything to attract attention. Ironically, the more attention this child receives, the less of them anyone sees. Their clown mask sits permanently in place, until even they feel oblivious to their own pain.

The raging child, the family sacrifice, absorbs the family's suffering. Unheard, she lashes out, hoping someone will hear her screams of desparation and help. Instead, authorities muffle her cries as they cart her away: to the principal's office; to detention; and generally someplace out of ear shot. Powerless, she sinks into despair or drugs, sometimes finding solace in the streets.

Romantic relationships may promise a sense of renewal to the lonely and depressed Adult Child. Aglow, she basks in the rush of excitement that springs from mutual attraction and discovery.

But when she needs to work out problems and issues, she feels frightened and lost, flooded with childhood memories of hatred and destruction. Without the tools to work out disagreements, she sits alone with the agony of separation from her loved one. Reunion brings relief from longing and loss, but only until the next problem emerges from their gunny sack of unresolved grievances. Eventually, her relationships burn out, leaving her with an overwhelming sense of bewilderment and grief.

With diminishing energy, she doggedly searches. Fearful of conflict, she withdraws her love from relationships at the first sign of imperfection. Disillusioned, she withdraws, with deepening depression.

ACAs cling to self defeating patterns of connecting and communicating, for behaviors learned in terror do not easily change. Finally, they feel stuck, surrendering any hope of getting off the merry-go-round of despair and disillusionment.

Yet, ACAs can change. Drawing from the same courage and creativity they used to survive their families, they can gain the tools to drive out the fear that drives their lives. Having struggled to survive, they can learn to thrive. And thriving continues with the willingness to grow.

Copyright Fred Levy, LCSW all rights reserved

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#1793

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Sun Jul 7, 2002 7:01 am
Subject: The Struggle of Emotional Intimacy After Abuse

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The Struggle of Emotional Intimacy After Abuse

**For the purpose of this article, partner represents spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend, or significant other.**

Intimacy holds a two-fold relationship. There is the intimacy of knowing each other - mind, spirit and emotion, and there is sexual intimacy. Abuse, rape and domestic violence affect both types of intimacy.

Abuse takes innocence and wholeness away, leaving shame, insecurity and lack of intimacy. For many survivors, there is a tremendous struggle to let someone in - to allow another person to know their heart and soul. Other survivors are able to allow someone in emotionally, but are unable to allow sexual intimacy. Yet other survivors are unable to allow any type of intimacy.

These are normal responses to abuse or rape. Not every survivor will struggle with intimacy issues - and some won’t struggle with intimacy for many years afterwards.

This article is for the survivor who is in a relationship and for whatever reason, is struggling with intimacy right now. This article is also appropriate for partners to read, though it is written for the survivor.

Let’s look at emotional intimacy first. This is where it’s hard to share the mind, spirit and emotion with another person. And yet you are already in a relationship where intimacy should be deepening in there areas. Perhaps you find yourself not sharing your thoughts or feelings. It’s easier to just keep them inside. Maybe you allow your partner to make all the decisions, but you would really like to make different decisions. Another example of not being intimate within the relationship is when you avoid questions when your input is sought - or just plain lying about how you really feel inside... "I don’t know, whatever you want."

One of the big lessons I’ve had to learn is that when I try to keep everything inside, away from my partner, I start to build a wall between us as our communication breaks down.

I become overloaded with stress, fear, irrational thoughts and I feel very far from my partner. If I let her in and share what’s going on, I begin to feel closer again - and inside I become peaceful again.

So how do we gain emotional intimacy? The biggest factor is being bale to talk about what is going on. Start with small "I" statements...

" I feel _____________ (put your feeling here) when you ___________(what does your partner do) because ________________(why does it make you feel that way?)."

An example of this could be..

"I feel frustrated when you make all the plans without consulting me because I don’t feel like part of the partnership."

This allows you to address issues that are important to you without placing blame on your partner, but opens up a dialog between you for discussion of the issues.

Another way to begin to develop intimacy is to set aside at least 15 minutes a day where you can talk with your partner without interruption. Try to do this at the same time each day, when both of you are able to sit down and talk. Turn off the T.V. and/or radio, don’t answer the phone, make sure you won’t be interrupted by kids (if you have any), friends or other family members. Use this time to share something from your heart, or perhaps talk about what you’d like to do with that time together. If you feel comfortable enough, share how scary or difficult it is to let your partner in and how you’d like to work on that. Sometimes just saying "I’m afraid." takes some of the fear out of it.

I imagine some of you are thinking...but won’t this hurt my partner? I can’t say how your partner will react or respond, but I can tell you that shutting him or her out will only keep you apart. If you want to love each other in a healthy way, you need to find a way to communicate openly and honestly.

Some of you reading this may be in an abusive relationship. Seek help immediately - put intimacy on hold. Your abusive partner is not able to be intimate in a healthy way, and needs to address what he is doing to you. If you have come out of an abusive relationship, emotional intimacy may be a very frightening thing for you to address with your current partner. It’s important for you and your partner to be able to talk about your abusive experience - at least how it is affecting you and your fears in the current relationship.

Do you like to write? It may be easier if you write a short letter to your partner addressing one (1) issue. During a quiet time when you can talk, read your letter completely through to your partner (read aloud so you say the words). Then, give your partner a chance to respond to your letter. Perhaps holding hands or snuggling close is a more affectionate way to read it. Do what you need to make you and your partner comfortable while you share what is in the letter. Listen closely to your partner’s response and try not to put up walls as you discuss what you’ve written.

You may consider seeking help from a therapist or other specialist who can provide assistance in teaching both of you how to encourage and increase communication between you. Increased communication offers increased intimacy.

Written by: K & M

May not be reproduced without written permission.

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#1792

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Sun Jul 7, 2002 6:59 am
Subject: Emotional Intimacy

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Emotional Intimacy

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#1791

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Sun Jul 7, 2002 6:57 am
Subject: Sex Addicts Anonymous

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Sex Addicts Anonymous

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#1790

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Sun Jul 7, 2002 6:57 am
Subject: Are you a Sex Addict?

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Answer these twelve questions to assess whether you may have a problem with sexual addiction.

Do you keep secrets about your sexual or romantic activities from those important to you? Do you lead a double life?

Have your needs driven you to have sex in places or situations or with people you would not normally choose?

Do you find yourself looking for sexually arousing articles or scenes in newspapers, magazines, or other media?

Do you find that romantic or sexual fantasies interfere with your relationships or are preventing you from facing problems?

Do you frequently want to get away from a sex partner after having sex? Do you frequently feel remorse, shame, or guilt after a sexual encounter?

Do you feel shame about your body or your sexuality, such that you avoid touching your body or engaging in sexual relationships? Do you fear that you have no sexual feelings, that you are asexual?

Does each new relationship continue to have the same destructive patterns which prompted you to leave the last relationship?

Is it taking more variety and frequency of sexual and romantic activities than previously to bring the same levels of excitement and relief?

Have you ever been arrested or are you in danger of being arrested because of your practices of voyeurism, exhibitionism, prostitution, sex with minors, indecent phone calls, etc.?

Does your pursuit of sex or romantic relationships interfere with your spiritual beliefs or development?

Do your sexual activities include the risk, threat, or reality of disease, pregnancy, coercion, or violence?

Has your sexual or romantic behavior ever left you feeling hopeless, alienated from others, or suicidal?

If you answered yes to more than one of these questions, we would encourage you to seek out additional literature as a resource or to attend an Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting to further assess your needs.

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#1772

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Wed Jun 26, 2002 8:18 pm
Subject: Spiritual Violence

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Spiritual Violence

by Rembert Truluck

A preacher, his face distorted with rage, shouts anti-gay slogans from his pulpit into a television camera. A mother quietly tells her son that he is no longer her son because he has just revealed that he is gay. She adds, "God doesn't love you, and neither do I." A politician declares to a group of GLBT people, "God will destroy you!" A newspaper prints a series of letters to the editor that allows religious fundamentalists to vent their homophobic anger in irresponsible abusive distortions of the Bible. All of this is spiritual violence, and it is wounding and destroying far more lives than most people realize.
Spiritual abuse hurts both the abuser and the abused. Hate is a bitter emotional diet. Being hated takes a heavy emotional toll on every victim of spiritual violence. Physical violence against homosexuals is unnecessary. Teach them to hate themselves enough, and they will destroy themselves and each other.

Spiritual violence is not a new phenomenon. It has taken an endless variety of forms and expressions throughout human history. From the condemnation and casting out of people who don't believe the prevailing religion to hanging witches and burning heretics, spiritual violence has been one of the most persistent and creative human activities ever manifested in social behavior.

Spiritual and Emotional Violence

Spiritual and emotional violence often go hand-in-hand. Children are demeaned, condemned for their behavior and told that God does not love them. When spiritual and emotional abuses are combined with homophobia, the devastating results are life-long.

Shunning

One of the most common passive/aggressive forms of spiritual violence is shunning. The "righteous people" refuse to speak to or even look at the offending person. My friend, Jo, told me of visiting a very religious home where a little six-year old boy was being ignored by his mother, who told Jo not to speak to him because he was not yet converted! The unnerving spectacle of a young kid trying to get his mother's attention and being ignored because he was not yet a religious convert is truly disturbing.

Several church denominations today still hold formal trials to determine if members are homosexual and then excommunicate those who are. I personally know that many of the leaders of the most prominent church that does this are gay themselves.

Public Humiliation

For centuries, people who did not conform to local religious expectations have been publicly humiliated. Preachers today will single out gay and lesbian people for public rebuke and ridicule from the pulpit. These acts of spiritual violence usually go unchallenged by the people who should know better. I have decided to paraphrase the statement of Jesus: "They will scourge you in their synagogues" as "They will humiliate you in their churches."

Recently I watched part of a really stupid television debate about the problem of the humiliation and bullying of GLBT children in school. The woman who represented the religious right denied that there was a problem and blamed the gay activists for causing the trouble. It was truly insane. Gay and lesbian children who are humiliated in school because of their sexual orientation are the victims of spiritual, emotional and sometimes physical "hate crimes" and need all the help they can get.

Family Rejection

Racial minority parents don't reject their children because of their race. Parents of gay children, however, often reject them because they are gay, even if the parent is also a closeted homosexual. Family religious values have been used as a basis for incredible rejection and abuse of GLBT children. Many of the "runaway teens" in our big cities are actually "throw away LGBT kids" who have been forced from their own homes because of their sexual orientation long before they were prepared to survive on their own. Many of them don't.

Self Hate

Suicide continues to be the leading cause of death of gay and lesbian teenagers. In the 30 years since the gay rights movement began, little progress has been made in correcting the self-hate and self-destruction that spiritual abuse creates in gay youth. Churches continue to trumpet their ignorance about homosexuality and homosexuals. The continuing growth and powerful influence of the "Ex-Gay Fraud" is alarming. Look at the web site for Focus on the Family and be shocked at the extent of the "ex-gay" industry and the misleading professionalism that is enlisted to make the whole thing seem to be believable. It isn't.

Pollution of Spiritual Resources

When policemen become criminals, what happens to law enforcement? When firemen become pyromaniacs, what become of fire protection? When politicians become crooks, what happens to government? When preachers and religious leaders become spiritual abusers and deceivers, what happens to faith, hope and love? The pollution of spiritual resources by homophobia and radical distortions of the truth about the Bible and God has cut off millions of people from the spiritual encouragement and help that they need and deserve.

Confusion

Ancient religious explanations and interpretations about God are not God. Confusion comes when language does not mean what it intends to communication. Not one word in the Bible means exactly the same today as it meant 2000 years ago! Few words mean the same thing today that they meant even 100 years ago. We live in a religious environment of confusion and misinformation because language is confused and the entire religious world has become a "tower of Babel."

Religion is dominated by the use of meaningless and irrelevant words and symbols to express equally meaningless and irrelevant ideas and teachings. We do not live in the first century or in the Middle Ages, and we do not think or live in any culture but today.

In addition to the confusion caused by rapidly changing culture and language, the contradictions and conflicts among religious groups present a confusing noisy demand for "values" that other religious groups call "nonsense" and still others call "evil." The most vigorous and violent attacks on religion have always been perpetrated by rival religion.

Misinformation

Spiritual violence is based on misinformation. Religion is seldom objective, realistic, logical and based on accurate information. Religious teachings and practices are based more on emotions and family conditioning than on reasoned study of factual information. A great deal of spiritual violence is based on misinformation about the Bible and about the history and nature of religion. Correcting religious misinformation is a formidable task against deeply entrenched prejudices and long standing customs. Few things are more emotionally defended or attacked than religion.

Where does one find accurate adequate information? The Internet offers everything, but the overwhelming distorted and confused face of religion on line is hardly a final solution for the inquiring open mind that seeks to know the truth.

Do you dare to look within yourself for the truth about yourself and the God who made you? Perhaps. To what extent do the heavens tell the glory of God and the firmament reveal the work of God? Is nature "red in tooth and claw" or is the whole creation "the voice of God" that is always heard in every place? What approach to the Bible is really relevant to your personal search for truth? What is the relevance of the Bible today? These are questions you have to answer for yourself. The answers of other people often only distract you from discovering your own truth that fits and satisfies you.

Sharing with others in small group study and dialogue can be helpful. We can learn a lot from and along with others as we think and share, learn and grow. How can we avoid letting small group dialogue become an end in itself that simply reinforces the problems that we already have? Is there a way to avoid judgmental rejecting attitudes in group dialogue? Where does our freedom to be ourselves really come from?

Hiding the Face of God

Spiritual violence can hide the face of God. In Matthew 23, Jesus spelled out in detail the destructive power of abusive sick religion in obscuring the truth about God and God's will for all people. As one preacher liked to say, "Most people have had a mild dose of religion and it has made them immune to catching the real thing!" "A little knowledge is a dangerous thing" is probably more prevalent in religion than in the manufacture of dynamite!

Death

Spiritual violence leads to death. Death may be slow and tormented by self-doubt and internal stress and confusion. Death may be final and tragic by suicide. Death may be prolonged by self-destructive attitudes and behaviors that sabotage lives, careers and relationships. However life works out, the wages of spiritual violence is death. No illness, disease, plague, economic failure, political tyranny or military disaster threatens the human race as much as spiritual violence. The object of all violence is to control or kill. Spiritual violence intends to control or kill. Spiritual violence kills the joy and hope that make life worth living. No wonder so many victims of spiritual violence give up and die.

The Solution to Spiritual Violence

Nobody asked me for my opinion, but here it is anyway. From what I have seen so far, the only hopeful light at the end of the tunnel is Jesus. I am not talking about the fake Jesus of traditional power religion but the real Jesus manifested in the humanity of Jesus of Nazareth in the Gospels. The Spirit of the real Jesus is demonstrated clearly and simply in love: love for yourself and for others no matter how different from you they might be. To love and accept yourself and others as Jesus demonstrated and taught, you have to reject and abandon traditional religion, just as Jesus did.

Let go and move on. Stop the violence. Start over. Follow the real God.

Copyright � 2001 by the author
All Rights Reserved

"I am so stressed out... I am like a hamster in need of a wheel!" - Carrie Fisher

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#1769

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Mon Jun 24, 2002 6:28 pm
Subject: Breaking Free!

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Gail posted this on another group but I liked it so much I thought I would post it here.

Terri

Breaking Free
by Marie T. Russell

We all seem to have one habit or another from which
we'd like to break free. For some it's smoking, for
others eating compulsively, for other talking too
much, or talking too little, for some working too
much, for others... the list goes on an on. Yet
between all of these there is a common link. Many of
us feel helpless when faced with our habits. We feel
controlled by our needs, our cravings, our habits, our
addictions. How do get out of the trap? How do we
break free?

While there is surely no one pat answer, there is a
common thread. What makes us unable to break free?
Somehow we feel we can't, that this "thing" is
stronger than us, that it is ingrained in our cells,
our genetics, our programming. While that may be true,
who or what is this habit stronger than? Are "we" the
habit? Or does it simply "live" somewhere? Where do
our habits or cravings live? In our cells, in our
genetics, in our memory, in our habits, in our brain?
Wherever it is, it is somewhere in our body, our
physical body.

It is said that the memory of everything that has ever
happened to us is stored in our cells. The memory of
every time you were hurt (physically or emotionally)
is stored physically in a cell in your body. Every
time someone told you "you couldn't do it" is stored
in your cells, every time someone told you that "you
weren't good enough" is stored in your body. All of
it. No wonder it's difficult to get out of these
patterns, habits, addictions. Not only do we have the
habitual action (opening the fridge door, reaching for
the pack of cigarettes, responding with anger without
thinking, working late, etc.), but we also have the
cells of our body responding from habit or old
programming. The question is: Are we our body? Who
runs the show - the body or us?

I like to think of my body as somewhat like my car,
something outside of me or separate from me. I decide
when I'll put gas into it, what type of gas it gets,
when it gets washed, when it gets an oil change, etc.
You get the picture. Another way to see the
relationship between your body and you is that your
body is like a child, or a pet. With a child or a pet,
you decide what food and when it gets to eat. You
decide what toys it is allowed to have, where it is
allowed to go, what it is allowed to do, etc. In the
same way, you are in charge (or you can be) of your
body. You decide what it gets to eat, where it gets to
go, etc..

The problem may lie in that we have so totally
identified with our body (I am my body), that we don't
realize that we have "ruling power" over it. We get to
decide, not "it". We have somehow let our body take
over, like a child who has thrown so many tantrums
that the parents have given up and now let it have its
own way. We have given up and let our body make
decisions for us. Yet it is not capable of making
"enlightened" decisions. It is so tangled up in
cellular memories, genetics, programming, that it
can't make a decision which is for our highest good.
It decides based on cravings, old unsatisfied needs
and wants (my mother never let me have sweets), and
old programming (she always ruins her dinner by
snacking all afternoon).

I am not my body! I reside in this body. I have a
lease on it. I do not even have ownership. After this
body dies (yes it will do that at some point), it's
done for. But "we" are not. Whatever this "we" is.
Whether it is a unique spiritual entity, or a group
consciousness, or soul group... whatever the actual
form of "we", we live on. Too many of us have had
experiences of life after death, of people
communicating with us after death, of astral travel,
etc., for us to still doubt whether "our life" is
separate from the life of our body. They are two
distinct things. Our car may conk out and die on the
side of the highway, but we get out and start
walking... and eventually we get a new car. In the
same way, our body may die, but we get out and keep
going... somewhere, somehow.

Maybe the way out of addictions and old programming,
is to disassociate ourselves from our body. I am not
my body! I am spirit, I am soul, I am a spiritual
being residing in this body. Once we regain that
perspective, we can start dealing with our body as a
rebellious child... sometimes giving it treats and
rewards, but definitely not letting it run the show.
It is not in charge. It does not have the wisdom and
knowledge to make the "proper" decisions. We do! We
have learned what is best for us, for both our body
and our spirit, and we have the ability to make
"enlightened" decisions.

Take back control of your body. It's just a
cantankerous child! And you're letting it run your
life? Maybe some clarification of roles needs to take
place. You can break free once you realize who you
are. You are not your body, so how can you be
controlled by its needs and demands and fears? We can
break free. It may take some effort to take back the
reins, but we can remind ourselves (continuously)
"who's the boss" and live accordingly. You've got the
power! You are the power!

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#1763

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Sun Jun 23, 2002 7:07 am
Subject: Resources for Divorcing Males

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Hi Everyone:

I have a new friend who may be joining here who is going through a terrible divorce. I guess his wife is trying to sabotage the business he owns in essence by demanding outrageous amounts of money. I cannot remember the entire story offhand but I believe she even made false accusations against him in court papers just to get back at him. They have been going at it for a while now and he really needs some support.

He gave me permission to post all of this so - although everyone knows I am opposed to material that emphasizes one gender over another in general - I do understand that we sometimes need resources more conducive to our specific gender. In which case, if anyone knows of any web sites, books, support groups, et al that pertain to divorcing men please pass them onto me. You can just E-mail me if you prefer. Thanks!

Terri

"God grant me the serenity to accept the person I cannot change, the courage to change the person I can... And the wisdom to know that person is me."

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#1750

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Fri Jun 21, 2002 4:40 pm
Subject: Show Yourself How Much You Care...

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Show Yourself How Much You Care...
By Regina Pickett Garson

The other day my daughter came home from school talking about a Valentine fund raiser. The school is selling heart shaped brownies for the children to send their special friends. They can even send them anonymously. Everyone she said was trying to buddy up to make sure to get a brownie. I know this is not nice to presume, but what if your child doesn't get a brownie, what if they don't find a buddy?

Most of us can remember times when we were left out. Maybe everyone else paired off for a dance and we never got a date. Luckily a brownie is easier to produce than a date. It's also easier to use in learning to love and appreciate yourself.

One event was very special to me. I won a small award, not a Nobel prize or anything grand on a world scale, but I wanted flowers. Now my husband, now my ex, was a nice sort of guy, and he would have bought me flowers if I told him I wanted them, or I could have sulked until he read my mind. Get real.

I did something very innovative for me. I bought myself flowers. I didn't spend a lot, just a small bouquet to tell me that I appreciated me. I liked me and I was proud of what I had done. Those flowers felt good. Every time I looked at them I felt good. Now when I think back to that award, what I remember most was that I learned to give myself flowers.

I keep hearing ads for Valentine's Day and every time I do I think about those flowers. I think about all the Valentine's Days I rushed to empty mailboxes and sat alone feeling left out of the world. Valentine's day can be the most unhappy holiday of the year, and I love holidays. On Valentine's Day we feel like we are supposed to wait to be told how wonderful we are and how loved. There is nothing wrong with being loved. We all need to give and share love with those who are important to us. But, just because life is what it is, chances are sometimes there will be a special someone, and sometimes there won't. Is it really a good idea to put all your emotional feel goods in someone else's lap?

I think it's okay to tell the kids that when that brownie cart comes around to buy themselves a Valentine. If you sit around waiting for someone else to tell you how special you are you may wait a long time. I spent more Valentine's Days wishing for Valentines than getting them. If your child learns to do nice things for themselves they won't spend their life waiting. They will certainly feel a lot better eating a brownie they provided for themselves than sitting around watching everyone else eat theirs.

Those flowers I bought myself were some of the best I ever got, because I learned to appreciate myself. Think of the special things you can do for yourself. If you have a special someone, that is a bonus. But, the only person who stays with us from the time we are born until the day we die is our own self. Shouldn't we appreciate that special person too.

� Regina Garson

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#1749

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Fri Jun 21, 2002 4:37 pm
Subject: New Beginnings! What To Do, What To Do?

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New Beginnings! What To Do, What To Do?
By Larry James

Alone again? Perhaps it's time to invent a new beginning. You can do that most effectively by working on you; preparing for love. There is no shame in starting over.

How do you work on YOU? You begin by paying attention to what you need to be fulfilled as an individual. Focus on YOU! Self inquire!

Here are a few questions to help you get started. Are you happy? Sad? Disappointed in where you are in the relationship you have with yourself? Angry? Resentful? When you are alone, do you feel lonely? Are you always blaming others for what happens to you? Do you have regrets or guilt about the last relationship that didn't work out the way you had hoped it would? Do you know that something is missing in your life and you are not quite sure what it is? Are you always looking back?

Do you know what it feels like to live in the present; to really be present to what is going on? Do you know specifically what you NEED from a relationship? (Have you really ever thought seriously about that? Make a list.)

Are you feeling sorry for yourself? Do you continue to attract the same kind of people from one relationship to the next? Have you yet to reach a point where it becomes pointless to complain because you now know that relationships are what YOU make of them? Have you lost touch with the spiritual side of things?

Have you forgotten to be grateful for what you do have instead of feeling resentful for what you have lost? Do you know down deep inside that there must be something better?

These are just a few questions you can answer that will cause you to begin to understand that no matter how hopeless or how great things appear to be, they can always be better.

What else can you do? Get totally honest with yourself. Start holding yourself accountable for who you are in the matter; how you feel about the way things are. When you do, you will learn that it is time to stop blaming your former love partner and start taking full responsibility for YOUR share of the problems that caused the break-up in the first place. Relationship problems are NEVER only one person's fault. If they affect you, the problems are shared problems. If you are together, you can work on them together. If you are alone again, you must work on them alone. Of course, you can choose not to, and there are consequences.

When you decide (and only WHEN you decide) to do something different, you must promise yourself (a promise you intend to keep) that you will do everything within your power to be happy instead of holding on to being right. In other words, discontinue justifying what doesn't work and begin to do something different.

Is there more you can do? Read good books about relationships that stimulate your thinking; that inspire you to a better way of living. Attend seminars and workshops, not just about relationships, but those that empower you to change the way you have been. That's the smart choice because the old way didn't work very well, did it?

This could also mean dropping a few of your loser friends. You know who they are. Hanging around people who bring you down does not support a healthy love relationship with you or anyone else. Become involved in a support group; one that supports you in being a better you; one that uplifts your spirit.

Begin to journal. Get honest with how you FEEL about things; how things "really are" instead of how you "think" they are. Write it all down. Be honest with yourself! Spend a lot of time thinking about what's happening right now, instead of dwelling on the past. There is no future in the past. Being concerned about something that has already happened; something you cannot change, keeps you stuck. To begin again; to really move ahead, you must work on YOU! Let go of the past.

What are the benefits of working on YOU? One of the rewards for working on you is that you begin to feel good about who you are! You begin to love you again! Not the self-centered love that distracts you from being loving to others, but a genuine love-of-self; the kind of love you can share with others.

Loving yourself for who you are causes you to feel like a whole person again. When this occurs, you may be ready for another relationship. . . when it shows up. Not before. Unless you work toward this magic moment, you may always continue to be disappointed with the relationships that show up in your life. Opposites do not attract. That's a myth. Remember, like attracts like. You attract to yourself that which you are. You always have. You always will.

If you cannot handle the most important relationship in your life - the one you have with yourself - then you will never be able to truly relate to a relationship with two people in it.

We spent so much of our time being concerned about the relationship we are in with someone else, that we forget about ourselves. This is called "losing yourself in the relationship." This can never be a healthy way of being.

Working on yourself takes discipline, determination and doing something different. For lasting change; the kind of change that makes a difference, you must "change your behavior."

The relationship we have with ourselves and the relationship we have with others takes intentional effort. This, we know is true: "We must work on relationships ALL THE TIME, not only when they are broken and need to be fixed!" Relationships should never become a struggle. They become a struggle when someone is not pulling their fair share of the load.

It is difficult to feel good about yourself, when you know you are letting your love partner down by not giving yourself your full attention. You take care of you - your partner does the same. It's difficult, if not impossible, to pay attention to the overall relationship unless you both know how to focus attention on yourselves first. Two broken people can't fix each other.

You only have the choice to fix you! To invent a new beginning, you must first acknowledge the problems that require solutions. To fix yourself, you must never stray from the path of self-discovery. You must always know where you stand with yourself. The only way you can do this is to be attentive to, and intentional about having the best relationship with yourself that is humanly possible.

When you are ready; when you have given yourself adequate time to prepare for love again. . . a relationship with someone else will be there. You will find each other.

Imagine the possibilities? Two whole, healthy people, together! Each feeling good about themselves; loving themselves and sharing that love with each other. Can you imagine both love partners working on the relationship they have with each other and supporting each other in their own personal growth?

If you believe it, really believe it, and make sure you are always doing the best you can to cause it to be this way. . . anything is possible!

What to do? Don't waste time. Begin again. . . now! Never stop working on YOU!

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#1747

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Fri Jun 21, 2002 4:34 pm
Subject: Divorce Survival

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You Can Survive Divorce

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#1745

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Fri Jun 21, 2002 4:29 pm
Subject: Surviving Betrayal

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Surviving Betrayal Requires A Leap of Faith

by Cynthia Wall, LCSW

I define betrayal as any experience which continues to produce guilt, resentment, anger, fear or helplessness. The confusion often comes when you want to let it go, because it happened so long ago; or you want to believe that "they did the best they could," so shouldn't feel trapped and demeaned. How you respond to a betrayal experience will make a huge difference in how you choose to see your life, and will be mirrored in all your relationships, including your feelings about yourself.

Has someone you deeply trusted ever betrayed you? Have you ever betrayed someone you love? Does it surprise you to think that it might be a common problem in every relationship? Whether the acts were deliberate, accidental, or just a misunderstanding, the hurt, resentment and fear linger for years. It can stain even the closest relationships - sitting there unprocessed, ready to leap and confound when another hurtful situation arises. In this way betrayals can stack up, surprising us years later when "I thought I'd finished with that nightmare in the last relationship!"

You can rage and punish yourself and the other, thereby keeping the resentment and guilt fresh with a daily reminder. Or you might feel the need to minimize the pain with denial, and choose to stay in a hurting relationship, acting "as if" all were forgiven. In either case, if you can't eventually let go and truly come to peace with the overwhelming feelings, you must hold a shield over your heart, not trusting. And that limits emotional intimacy. You can't fake trust in your deepest self!

This doesn't affect just the one relationship, it destroys self-esteem as well, and compromises your ability to trust anyone, including yourself. If you choose what looks like the easiest path - to leave without forgiving - you may discover that you attract others with whom to repeat the pattern, wondering why you ever tried to trust again! What is Trust? I believe that trust requires faith in the basic integrity of someone. We must also acknowledge that there are times we need to separate a person from his/her actions: be angry at the action while loving the being.

It also helps to recognize that trust and love are not the same. You can love someone, but feel you cannot trust them with some aspects of our lives and affections. There are times, due to a multitude of reasons, you might be afraid to share everything with your partner, parents or children, keeping some thoughts private. Some are not so great with money, or dependable about time or remembering tasks. Incidents of insensitivity, or neglect can bring strong feelings of betrayal, hurt and doubt. Yet you know that you love them still, and work toward the changes that opens both hearts to the possible return to trust. Forgiveness might return the relationship back to trust. Yet there are times when you simply should NOT trust someone, because they are not strong enough or emotionally capable of honoring the trust placed in them.

Forgiveness is a major shift in awareness, one that supports the courage to return to a relationship after a serious breach of trust. Ironically, it can also strengthen your ability to let go of a connection that no longer serves your needs. If you are not bound by rage, hurt or guilt, it is easier to say "Good bye" without more hurt and drama.

How Can You Forgive? Few have been given step-by-step instructions on what to do if you feel betrayed. You may have been told to "forgive and forget," but couldn't. Forgiveness is a word that evokes conflicting meanings within each person. The most powerful result of forgiveness is to allow the forgiver to reclaim the peace of mind that comes from letting go of past hurts. You need never to condone the action, nor deny the painful feelings - in fact, you must bravely acknowledge the facts and experiences totally in order to know what you are ready to release.

Perhaps most significantly, in terms of sanity and safety, forgiving does not require having to let the betrayer back into your life! Forgiveness is about accepting any lessons learned, releasing the feelings still trapped inside, and seeking peace of mind. Only then is it possible to let go of the remnants of the shame, fear and anger that is created by betrayal.

In the seminar, Trust, Betrayal & Forgiveness ~ A Leap of Faith, participants are offered useable tools from many disciplines, and have actual practice in using them. They experience real reduction of stress and anger, and are often able to release stuck emotions. This includes forgiveness of the Self, ending perpetual self-punishment: perhaps the most difficult process of all!

As you free yourself from the shame and pain caused by others, as well as your own mistakes, you can regain personal power and self-respect. It is by learning to trust yourself that you lose the terror of abandonment by others. And by releasing any unproductive guilt from your own mistakes, you can accept the lessons learned, and move on to self-love. You will discover that is only after committing to "Never again!" is it safe to say "I forgive." My goal is to give participants the permission and skills and strength to say both!

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#1691

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Thu Jun 13, 2002 9:36 pm
Subject: Permissions

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1. There is no "right way" to be or "right way" to do anything! Be however and do whatever YOU FEEL like - as long as you don't hit or throw things at people or bother people who want to be left alone!

2. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do (even if "everyone else" is doing it) And, you can stop in the middle of anything you don't want to do anymore!

3. You don't have to share anything if you don't want to! And, it's absolutely okay not to want to! !

4. The only one you need to take care of or "be the Mommy to" is yourself!

5. Be as gentle and loving with yourself as you possibly can. Always give yourself the benefit of the doubt and avoid criticizing yourself. If you can't avoid criticizing yourself, at least avoid criticizing yourself for criticizing yourself!

6. If you don't see what you want/need, don't "make do" - ASK for it!

7. If anyone is bothering you, tell them you want them to stop it!

8. If you feel sad, it's okay to cry; if you feel angry, it's okay to growl, yell or stamp your feet; if you feel scared, it's okay to slow down or to stop and rest.

9. Remember to breath into your belly, it makes everything feel better.

10. If you feel tired, curl up and take a nap!

Taking More Gentle Care of Ourselves

Though we rarely get much support and encouragement for it in the "real world," taking the very best care of our selves is our first responsibility to all beings on this planet.

When we are being loving, tender, kind, gentle, forgiving and emotionally generous with ourselves we are filling our deepest selves with extraordinary, rich nourishment.

The more profoundly we can nourish ourselves, the more likely it is that we will have abundant, healthy energy both to grow ourselves AND to radiate and share deeply with all the beings and creatures around us.

Finding time/ways to listen inward to our deep selves and learning to trust what we hear inside of us are at the beginning of this practice

Talking lovingly to ourselves, making time and safe space to be with all our feelings -happy, sad, grieving, confused, joyful, angry, rageful, goofy, bratty – are essential.

Treating ourselves as lovingly as we would treat anyone else we love is the journey.

*If you could kick the person in the pants responsible
for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.*

Unknown

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#1689

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Thu Jun 13, 2002 8:48 pm
Subject: Nurturing Ourselves: Begin by Setting Boundaries

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The Power of Personal Boundaries
By Judy Saltarelli, M.A.

In the Drama Triangle there are three
roles: Persecutor, Rescuer and Victim. All of
us play each of these roles from time to time.
When we play the role of either Persecutor or
Rescuer, we violate others' boundaries. When we
are in the Victim role, we feel someone has violated
one of our boundaries. Psychological games are
especially prominent in co-dependent relationships.
When we are playing on the Drama Triangle, we are
vulnerable to emotional pain and lack of authenticity.
The goal is to move off the Triangle altogether, to a
frame of mind where we are clear about our power to
protect ourselves and about how to respect others
as well.

Many of us can readily identify with the Victim role:
someone hasn't respected an important boundary and
we feel discounted, hurt, oppressed, ignored, abused,
or taken advantage of. The Victim's slogan is "poor
me!" Sometimes, in search of love or attention, we
may actively or passively encourage others to victimize
us.   Others who are playing either the Persecutor or
the Rescuer role need to have a Victim to keep their
game going, and they will have little incentive to
change their ways voluntarily.

To get off the Victim position, you must change your
own behaviour.   Focus on clear problem solving.
Think about your boundaries and what you need to do
to enforce them. Figure out how to get what you need,
ask someone to stop doing something hurtful or
offensive, ask them to let you figure things out for
yourself, or leave (or avoid) a dangerous or toxic
situation. Associate with people who are mutually
supportive and spend less time with friends or relatives
who do not support you. Learn to understand that
others do not have the right to define who you are,
and that their opinions are simply that. If someone
believes you are "bad", that doesn't mean you are bad!
The clearer you can be about your needs and safe,
effective ways to get them met, the sooner you will
stop feeling like a Victim.

It's also easy to recognize the Rescuer in us. Searching
for love in a roundabout way, the Rescuer tends to put
others' needs first, protecting, advising and carrying
feelings for them. The Rescuer feels responsible for
others, not responsible to them. The Rescuer's logic
(often unconscious) goes like this: if I can only help
her/him enough by doing "x" for them, they will appreciate
me (read "love me"). Unfortunately, the Rescuer needs a
Victim to rescue. The Rescuer's words and actions are
perceived by the recipient as implying weakness or inability:
"here, let me do it for you, you poor thing!"   The Rescuer's
hidden message is that they know better than you what you
need. The recipient will often lash out in return. The
Rescuer, now feeling like s/he is the Victim, usually says:
"I was only trying to help!"

If you recognize Rescuer tendencies in yourself, focus on
acknowledging and respecting the other person's responsibility
for their own life choices and on nurturing yourself. Show
empathy, encourage, confront kindly. Offer help if they ask
for it and you are willing to give it. Trust that the other
person has 'enough' to make it, and expect them to be
responsible for themselves and their own actions. Figure
out what you were trying to get for yourself through
rescuing, and find clearer ways to get it.

Few of us easily recognize our own Persecutor tendencies.
The Persecutor gives others subtle or not so subtle messages
that say "you're no good" or "I'm better than you". Some
Persecutors are physically abusive, others verbally or
emotionally abusive, like an overly critical parent.
Persecutors set unnecessarily strict limits, blame and
oppress others. They are mobilized by anger. Their
language may be all-inclusive ("you always…") or all
exclusive ("you never…"). If you see Persecutor traits
in yourself, you can eliminate these by setting clear
guidelines for how you treat others.

There are a number of excellent books dealing with the
concept of boundaries. Two of my favourites are
Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend, and Boundaries and
Relationships by Charles Whitfield. The book by Cloud
& Townsend is written from a loving, accepting
Christian perspective and is an excellent antidote
for anyone who was raised in an overly authoritarian,
fundamentalist religious culture. Their tone may be
a bit much for people who don't share their religious
views, yet there is still much that can be learned
from them. Another excellent book is The Gay and
Lesbian Self-Esteem Book: A Guide to Loving Ourselves
by Kimeron Hardin.

It takes a bit (or a lot) of self-examination and
determination to create appropriate boundaries for
ourselves. My clients consistently report, however,
that it is one of the best ways to effectively reclaim
their power and happiness. The bottom line is "you're
worth it!"

© 2000, Judy Saltarelli, M.A.

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#1687

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Mon Jun 10, 2002 5:57 pm
Subject: Abuser Tactics/Responses: Withholding/Teasing

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Substitute She for He if Male Victim...

By Laura Wilkinson

Withholding

How many times have you been given the cold shoulder, the "silent treatment" that we all know so well? And you simply cannot figure out what it was that you did that triggered it? And no matter what you say or do, he still just ignores you. This is called withholding, and is very damaging to one's self-esteem. Withholding, simply put, is where he refuses to share his thoughts and dreams with you, where he clams up and you become non-existent. Over time, this makes you feel as though you are a ghost in your own home.

"A relationship requires intimacy. Intimacy requires empathy...The intimacy of a relationship cannot be achieved if one party is unwilling to share himself and is unable to support his partner in an empathetic way." This is right out of Patricia Evans' book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship. And it pretty well sums it up. What she's saying is that any given relationship TAKES TWO. In the abusive relationship, it's strictly a one-way street.

The way Evans says to react to this is simple. Instead of following him around (as I did) trying to get some response, instead of making his "favorite" dinner to try to get a thank you, instead of sitting through the long hours of silence, this is what you do. Get up, and clearly & firmly say to him, "I am feeling very bored with your company." Then leave the room. It may or may not do anything, but at least YOU are in control of the "conversation" and are not being subjected to complete silence.

Teasing

Teasing is where he finds something that really bothers us, for example our weight or the way we cook. Then he makes "jokes" about it, in public, to his buddies or even your friends. "Oh she's a big 'un, but I still love her." Or the old favorite around my house, "I know dinner's ready when the smoke alarm goes off." There is a distinct difference between this and true good-natured teasing. With good-natured teasing (in a healthy relationship), it doesn't usually feel like a personal attack, and they stop when you tell them it hurts your feelings, even apologize for going too far. In the abusive relationship, this type of "teasing" is meant to be hurtful and vindictive, and is a definite violation of your boundaries - and if you tell him this, ask him to stop, he gets worse.

The way Evans says we can combat this type of tactic is to say to him, "I'm wondering, now that you have (put me down)(laughed at me)(made fun of me)(interrupted me), do you feel more important? I'd like you to think about it." Then leave the room, disengage. DO NOT continue the conversation. He may well try to continue the conversation, make further disparaging remarks, but you just leave the room.

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#1686

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Mon Jun 10, 2002 5:55 pm
Subject: Abuser Tactics/Responses: Name Calling/Ordering/Undermining

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Substitute She for He if Male Victim...

By Laura Wilkinson

Name-calling is very common among abuser tactics. You have probably heard them all, so I won't list them. This is considered "an invasion of your boundaries" (from Patrica Evans' book The Verbally Abusive Relationship, p. 147). She also says that since this attack is "outrageously abusive" you should answer the attack with outrage.

TELL HIM TO STOP IT.

Tell him "DON'T EVER CALL ME NAMES." Don't tell him WHY, that it hurts your feelings or makes you feel bad, just TELL HIM TO STOP.

Ordering is another means of relegating you to the level of "nonperson." By telling you what to do he is attempting to put himself above you. When he begins this behavior, tell him "I don't follow orders" or "Exactly who are you giving orders to?" And by golly do NOT do whatever he's ORDERING you to do.

Undermining is where you are excited about something, say you saw a great movie, and you are talking about it, giving your opinion, and he says, "oh it's just a stupid movie." This makes you think that maybe your opinion doesn't count. Other things he might say that might sound familiar are: "Nobody asked you" or "You just don't understand" or (my ex's favorite) "What makes you think you're so smart?" He would follow that remark with a sarcastic "Oh yeah.. you are going to COLLEGE, aren't you!" These remarks are a direct attack on your self-esteem.

Just tell him, "I don't like your attitude" or, my own personal favorite response "I'm not having any fun with you. I'm going to go do such&such."

The main idea here is that you do NOT have to accept any of this. You may not be able to STOP the abuse, but you can refuse to accept it. Do not be a part of it. Do not respond with your "usual" - throw him a curveball.

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#1685

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Mon Jun 10, 2002 5:50 pm
Subject: Abuser Tactics/Responses: Discounting/Trivializing

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Substitute She for He if Male Victim...

Discounting is a very common abuser tactic. He says something that hurts your feelings, and when you tell him that, he says "Oh you take things too seriously." This is a direct assault on your person. He said it, you don't like it, but he doesn't think you are important enough to "take it back." So what do you do?

First of all, don't ask WHY did he say that. That is not the issue (he said it because it will elicit the response HE WANTS from you). Don't try to make him understand that it "isn't nice to say that." He doesn't care.

What you have to do is this: tell him to "STOP IT. Don't talk to me like that."

PERIOD.

End of conversation.

Now he may attempt to continue the conversation, but tell him AGAIN.

The idea behind this is to let him know "that you hold him responsible and know that his beliefs are not your beliefs" (from Patricia Evans' book The Verbally Abusive Relationship, p. 142). Even though it may not actually make sense to respond to him in this manner, it is not the USUAL response that he EXPECTS to hear; for that reason it is effective.

Trivializing is similar. The difference is that he makes light of what you have accomplished, or ignores it completely and focuses on what is NOT done. Sound familiar?

When he does this, just tell him something like "I've heard all I want to hear from you." Don't bother trying to explain how much fun it was to make the gorgeous cake for the kids' party; don't try to tell him how much work it was to rearrange the living room. Just know that you did a great job and don't be bothered with him.

Discounting and trivializing tactics both are attempts to make you think that what you feel and what you have done are not important, that what YOU do and feel are somehow LESS than what he does and feels. This is simply not true, as you know. Do not allow him to make you feel like you need to explain your every accomplishment or your feelings

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#1684

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Mon Jun 10, 2002 5:35 pm
Subject: Blame

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Blame never affirms, it assaults.
Blame never restores, it wounds.
Blame never solves, it complicates.
Blame never unites, it separates.
Blame never smiles, it frowns.
Blame never forgives, it rejects.
Blame never forgets, it remembers.
Blame never builds, it destroys.

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#1642

From: AZTerri@...
Date: Mon May 27, 2002 6:34 am
Subject: As I Walk Through Life

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Quick Inspirations

*If you could kick the person in the pants responsible
for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.*

Unknown

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