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Living with a Sociopath? You're not Crazy
Excerpted from "Tears and Healing"
by Richard Skerritt (Formerly Richard, 21CP)
[Today's essay is from the landing page for visitors searching on the terms sociopathy or sociopath. This page has a quick but fairly specific assessment for this disorder. Remember, this isn't the formal definition, but just a guide to understanding. I've recently improved the focus of this page, and surprisingly, it became less popular. I encourage you to think about this. It may be that you're thinking "sociopath" but what you're living with is more like "narcissist". Don't feel that you're losing out - they're both terrible illnesses.
[Today's essay is from the landing page for visitors searching on the terms sociopathy or sociopath. This page has a quick but fairly specific assessment for this disorder. Remember, this isn't the formal definition, but just a guide to understanding. I've recently improved the focus of this page, and surprisingly, it became less popular. I encourage you to think about this. It may be that you're thinking "sociopath" but what you're living with is more like "narcissist". Don't feel that you're losing out - they're both terrible illnesses.
The more I work with people who are struggling with these disorders in a partner, the more I move away from the "criteria list" definitions of disorders. These are just too diffuse for people to work with. With time, I've recognized a key psychological dynamic or driving force in each of these abusive disorders, and this is how I now describe them. In my book Meaning from Madness I explore the dynamics of the abusive patterns that we see in people. It's written with a focused, practical perspective that sets it apart from all the other books you'll find.
I also now offer a very good book on sociopathy: The Sociopath Next Door by Martha Stout. If today's essay resonates with you, I highly recommend this book. I offer it alone or in combination with my own books in the new sociopath pack.
Tears & Healing explores the emotional issues in being in, and getting out of, an abusive relationship. In Love and Loving It - Or Not! explains how and why we fall in love, what real love is, and how to make changes so love works for us and not against us. Meaning from Madness explains what motivates the disordered, how they distort reality and what the prospects for improvement are. Get all three together in a package and save. My fourth and favorite book is The Way of Respect. Based on the ancient Chinese Tao te Ching, it offers an intriguing and artful perspective on how to achieve respectful interactions, especially in leadership roles. There is also a package. that includes The Way of Respect.]
Living with a Sociopath? You're not Crazy
Is your partner a sociopath? You may not know how to tell, but even worse, you may be thinking that you are the crazy one. Sociopaths' minds don't work like yours or mine, yet they feel perfectly confident about what they are doing. Something is clearly wrong, and we often question our own sanity.
So what is a sociopath? A serial killer that strolls from one victim to another? Possibly, but not often. Ask yourself this: is your partner unable to form any kind of emotional bond with another person? Does he or she seem to be always without empathy for others, even their own family? Does he or she do things that to you seem beyond comprehension; and then carry on as if those actions made no difference? Is he or she in trouble with the law and other authorities? Does he or she like dangerous, outrageous or socially/sexually unacceptable activities that provide a thrill? If you see this dynamic in your partner, family member, coworker, or friend, you are very probably dealing with a sociopath.
One thing you should not expect in a sociopath is intense emotion. Among the many people I help, some think their partner is sociopathic. but they recount that their partners are sometimes intensely angered by anything that seems to suggest that he or she might have a flaw. In this mode, they will do anything, including brutalizing their own family, to maintain their own feeling that others see them as without any flaws. This behavior is narcissistic, not sociopathic. Do you wonder if your partner is narcissistic? Try reading the companion page about narcissism.
You're not Crazy
For many of us, struggling to live with this kind of abusive partner, the first handhold we need to grasp is that we are not crazy. Sociopaths completely lack a range of emotions about other people, and this leads them to actions that can range from puzzling to brutal. (People with narcissistic personality disorder and borderline personality disorder, in contrast, have extreme and unpredictable emotions.) Living with a sociopath is painful and confusing. Personality disorders are aptly named, because the minds of people who suffer from these disorders work differently than healthy people.
It is only by understanding how you and your partner function, how his or her personality disorder affects his or her behavior, and how you interact, that you can begin to really judge what is happening. To figure out what you should do, you need to understand your own emotions and how to handle the decisions you face. Tears and Healing deals with your situation, while Meaning from Madness explains a disordered partner. Both are written by a man who survived a violent relationship with a narcissistic/borderline/alcoholic wife and has been engaged helping others through these situations for the past 6 years.
They Spin our Reality
Disordered people can't deal with the reality of their behaviors. Sociopaths distort the truth to serve their own diseased motivations (In contrast borderlines and narcissists distort reality to protect themselves from the pain of accepting a major flaw in themselves.) Sociopaths lie without compunction to achieve their goals. Moreover, they have no concern for our well-being, and happily manipulated circumstances so that we suffer for their actions.
After a while it becomes hard to distinguish what is real from what is being distorted. We begin to doubt our reality and question whether we're the crazy ones, or whether our disordered SO's (significant others) are really right about what they say.
The truth is, THEY'RE NOT RIGHT. But as sociopaths, they just don't care.
What's more, disordered people hide their problems very effectively. Sociopaths are intensely manipulative. Their emotionally empty lives lead them to spend their energy creating distortions to serve their needs. They may develop a strong reputation as good people, yet in private they may be intensely hurtful. But those around us don't see it, causing us further confusion.
What is this Disease?
Like all the personality disorders, sociopathy (technically called antisocial personality disorder) is defined by a list of behaviors. Clinicians use these to diagnose the illness, but I find that most people are more confused than helped by these. But sociopathy can be defined fairly simply: sociopaths lack a sense of connection and concern toward other people; they have no conscience or compassion. And unlike other personality disorders that are more like crossed wires in the brain that cause the mind to go haywire, sociopathy is more of a complete failure in part of the brain.
A sociopath doesn't exhibit the volatile extreme, emotions that a narcissist or borderline does. Instead they are calculating, manipulative, and utterly unmoved by the feelings or well-being of others. As such, they are inclined to dismiss societal boundaries and often break the law. Moreover, this failure in a part of their mind doesn't just limit their feelings of concern for others. It also seems to limit their ability to feel fulfilled by relationships with other people. This leaves an emotional vacuum which they continue to try to fill with risky or unacceptable behaviors. And because of their lack of concern for others, they will readily drag others along on their adventures.
Because people with this disease are manipulating and purposeful in seeking their own fulfillment at the expense of others, it can be a difficult disease to diagnose. I often talk with people who think their spouse or significant other is sociopathic. Often, a mental health professional has suggested this possibility. However, most of the troubling behavior that I hear attributed to these people is more what I would consider narcissistic than sociopathic. That is, the behavior comes from extreme emotion triggered by fear, rather than the cold calculation or thrill seeking expected from a sociopath.
Unlike borderlines or narcissists who have periods of remorse, deep regret and shame for their extreme behavior, sociopaths don't ever care how others are impacted. During periods of extreme agitation, borderlines and narcissists are consumed by the intensity of their fears, and their actions show no empathy or concern. Like people panicked and trying to escape a burning theater, they trample others without care. For this reason, people may think them to be sociopathic. The difference is that narcissists and borderlines at other times will feel regret, remorse, and compassion. Sociopaths will never feel these feelings. For sociopaths, these functions of the brain simply seem to be gone.
Sociopaths are not troubled by their disconnect from others or from societal norms. They don't perceive a problem, and so they reject the idea that they are ill. Thus, the few sociopaths who do enter mental health treatment almost all lack the primary characteristic necessary for improvement: a commitment to change. They reject the treatment process and disengage. Prospects for improvement in true sociopaths are not good.
Stop the Abuse
Dealing with this situation is complex, and people need some idea of "What do I do now that I know this?" For most people, there are important values, beliefs and obligations that have to be carefully thought about. It is impossible to build a fulfilling life with a sociopath, all the while we suffer from their callous willingness to hurt us to fill their own needs. Thus, once we realize we're in a relationship with a sociopath, significant decisions have to be faced, then resolved. Tears & Healing holds a light up in this dark place. Written from the inside perspective of someone who has been through the hell of being emotionally and verbally battered by a spouse, this book addresses the major issues that we all must wrestle with.
Tears & Healing begins with the most difficult issue: abusive partners constantly work to distort our perception of what is happening and what is right and wrong, until we doubt our own judgment so much we can't make decisions. It then addresses the process of detaching to find safe space and to regain a sense of right and wrong, and searching to understand what we, as people, need in our lives - needs that often must be simply put aside to survive in these brutal situations. It deals with love, and the conflict of being in love with someone hurtful to us. And it addresses the intense feelings of obligation that many of us have, which keep us locked in situations that are beyond what any person should endure. Tears & Healing is an intensely personal and validating guide through this maze of thoughts and emotions. The reader reviews below can give you some sense of how liberating Tears & Healing has been for many, many people.
Sociopaths are manipulative, and can use a facade of ideal behavior to lure us into relationships with them. Their behavior may seem even perfect, and it's understandable that we could fall in love with them. Later, when the relationship is cemented by marriage or children, the facade drops and the brutal reality emerges. Yet, we may still have strong feelings of love drawing us to the person.
Dealing with this bind is a huge barrier for many. My book, In Love and Loving It - Or Not! , addresses these issues. It explains how and why we fall in love; what we can do to get out of love with someone hurtful to us; how we can make choices so we are more likely to fall in love with someone good for us; and how being in love relates to the different, chosen actions of loving. Many of the people I help to deal with their abusive situations need this kind of guidance.
After talking personally with many people in phone consultation, I found that people also need a way of making some sense of their abusive partner's actions. Though their actions make no sense from the perspective of a healthy person, there is something inside them that motivates them. After explaining this many times, I wrote a companion book, Meaning from Madness, which explains what makes abusive people act as they do, explains the psychological defense mechanisms they use which cause them to see a different reality than we see, and explains how alcohol and drug use - so painfully common among them - compounds these disordered patterns. I consider Meaning from Madness to be the second essential piece of this puzzle, and there is a link to its page on the right of this paragraph.
About the Author
Richard Skerritt is a writer, inventor, engineer, and athlete. A survivor of a marriage that turned abusive, he forged a path through confusion, love, obligation, and emotional damage to safety and truer life. His experience and insight, shared in Tears and Healing, originated in his contributions to online support groups for people in relationships with a partner who has borderline personality disorder. He has been a respected contributor and mentor in these groups for the past four years. His writing and publishing work now includes four books, and he continues to help people through books, daily email messages, and phone consultation. Not a mental health professional, his perspectives and guidance "from the inside out" have been especially relevant for people in abusive relationships.
© 2006-7 Richard, 21CP Author and Publisher
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