Why is it so Hard to Let Go: Addictive Relationships

It is often very hard to end a love relationship even when you know it is
bad for you. A "bad" relationship is not the kind that is going through the
usual periods of disagreement and disenchantment that are inevitable when two
separate people come together. A bad relationship is one that involves continual
frustration; the relationship seems to have potential but that potential
is always just out of reach. In fact, the attachment in such relationships is
to someone who is "unattainable" in the sense that he or she is committed to
someone else, doesn't want a committed relationship, or is incapable of one.

Bad relationships are chronically lacking in what one or both partners need.
Such relationships can destroy self-esteem and prevent those involved from
moving on in their careers or personal lives. They are often fertile breeding
grounds for loneliness, rage, and despair. In bad relationships the two
partners are often on lush different wavelengths that there is little common
ground, little significant communication, and little enjoyment of each other.

Remaining in a bad relationship not only causes continual stress but may
even be physically harmful. An obvious harm is the physical abuse that might be
a part of such relationships. In a less obvious way, however, the tensions and
chemical changes caused by the constant stress can drain energy and lower
resistance to physical illness. Continuing in lush bad relationships can lead
to unhealthy escapes such as alcohol or drug abuse and can even lead to
suicide attempts.

In such relationships, individuals willingly give up or are robbed of
several essential freedoms: the freedom to be their best selves in the
relationship, the freedom to love the other person through CHOICE rather than
through
DEPENDENCY and CODEPENDENCY, and the freedom to leave a situation that is
destructive.

Despite the pain of these relationships, some rational and practical people
find that they are unable to leave, even though they know the relationship is
bad for them. One part of them wants out but a seemingly stronger part
refuses or feels helpless to take any action. It is in this sense that the
relationships are addictive.


Are You Addicted?

Listed below are several signs of addiction. Consider whether they apply to
you:

Even though you know the relationship is bad for you (and perhaps others
have told you this), you take no effective steps to end it or cannot complete
these steps once started.

You give yourself reasons for staying in the relationship that are not
really accurate or that are not strong enough to counteract the harmful aspects
of
the relationship.

When you think about ending the relationship, you feel terrible anxiety and
fear which make you cling to it even more.

When you take steps to end the relationship, you suffer painful withdrawal
symptoms, including physical discomfort, that is only relieved by
reestablishing contact.

If most of these signs apply to you, you are probably in an addictive
relationship and have lost the capacity to direct your own life. To move toward
recovery, your first steps must be to recognize that you are "hooked" and then
to try to understand the basis of your addiction. In this way, you can gain the
perspective to determine whether, in reality, the relationship can be
improved or whether you need to leave it.


The Basis of the Addiction

There are several factors that can influence your decision to remain in a
bad relationship. At the most superficial level are practical considerations
such as financial entanglement, shared living quarters, potential impact on
children, feared disapproval from others, and possible disruption in academic
performance or career plans.

At a deeper level are the beliefs you hold about relationships in general,
about this specific relationship, and about yourself. These beliefs may take
the form of learned societal messages such as "Love is forever," "Your are a
failure if you end a relationship," "Being alone is terrible," and "You should
never hurt anyone." Also relevant are beliefs about yourself such as "I'll
never find anyone else," "I'm not attractive or interesting enough," or "If I
work hard enough I should be able to save this relationship."

At the deepest level are unconscious feelings which can keep you stuck.
These feelings develop early in childhood, often operate without your
awareness,
and can exert considerable influence on your life. Children need to be
loved. nurtured, and encouraged in their independence. To the extent that these
needs are not met their children may be left feeling "needy" as adults and may
thus be more vulnerable to dependent relationships.


Strategies for Overcoming Relationship Addictions

Robin Norwood, in her excellent book Women Who Love Too Much outlines a ten
step plan for overcoming relationship addiction. While this book is directed
toward women, its principles are equally valid for men. Stated here (reordered
and sometimes paraphrased), Norwood suggests the following:

Make your "recovery" the first priority in your life.

Become "selfish," i.e., focus on getting your own needs met more effectively.

Courageously face your own problems and shortcomings.

Cultivate whatever needs to be developed in yourself, i.e., fill in gaps
that have made you feel undeserving or bad about yourself.

Learn to stop managing and controlling others; be being more focused on your
own needs, you will no longer need to seek security by trying to make others
change.

Develop your "spiritual" side, i.e., find out what brings your peace and
serenity and commit some time, at least half an hour daily, to that endeavor.
Learn not to get "hooked" into the games or relationships; avoid dangerous roles
you tend to fall into, e.g., "rescuer" (helper), "persecutor" (blamer),
"victim" (helpless one).

Find a support group of friends who understand.

Share with others what you have experienced and learned.

Consider getting professional help.

When to Seek Professional Help

Some counseling may be called for when any of these four circumstances exist:

When you are very unhappy in a relationship but are unsure of whether you
should accept it as it is, make further efforts to improve it, or get out of
it.

When you have concluded that you should end a relationship, have tried to
make yourself end it, but remain stuck.

When you suspect that your are staying in a relationship for the wrong
reasons, such as feelings of guilt or fear of being alone, and you have been
unable to overcome the paralyzing effects of such feelings.

When you recognize that you have a pattern of staying in bad relationships
and that you have not been able to change that pattern by yourself.

Need Additional Help?

Some excellent books on addictive relationships are:

Women Who Love Too Much. Robin Norwood. Los Angeles, CA: Jeremy P. Tarcher,
Inc., 1985. Is It Love or Is It Addiction? Brenda Schaeffer. USA: Hazelden,
1987.

Lost Source




Free Terri


May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions.
~Joey Adams







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