This Excerpt: Overcoming Fear

[I suppose that on its face, the anecdote I share in this essay might seem
mundane. Yet it represents a way of definitely - if slowly - getting over or
around a change that is just too scary to deal with in one step. I think that
because this was a step that no one or no circumstance was forcing me to
take, that it was easy to back away. It was only by chipping away at it - by
walking up to the door and stopping and then coming back again and stopping a
little bit closer - that I could lift myself over that barrier of fear.

And fear is a huge issue for people in abusive situations, because for many
of us, there is a compelling need for us to take action to change our
situation to protect ourselves. Fear can be paralyzing, especially when we are
stepping into the unknown and considering choices we think others will condemn.
Remember: ignorance is the guardian of fear. And a journey of 1000 miles begins
with a single step, no matter how small. With conviction, fear can be
overcome, and more easily than you think.

And this excerpt illustrates that some of the challenge we face in dealing
with these relationships is truly within us. It is easy to get focused on the
craziness of a disordered partner - it's hard not to, usually - but our own
emotions and decisions play an important role in what our experience turns out
to be. That focus on us and our emotions is the theme in Tears and Healing.
Understanding their irrational behavior, substance abuse, and the prospects
for it getting better are the focus of Meaning from Madness. Our emotions of
love pulling toward and back to a hurtful relationship are dealt with in In
Love and Loving It - Or Not!. The three books come in the triple pack at a
savings in cost and shipping. My fourth and favorite book, The Way of Respect,
is
refreshingly inspirational, bringing the ancient wisdom and artful expression
of the Tao te Ching into modern language. Written before my plunge into the
abyss of insanity, its focus is on relationships within groups of reasonably
normal people. The full pack includes this book.]

Overcoming Fear
Well, it’s one thing to think about making changes in your life. Or even to
decide that we need to make changes. But the real kicker comes when it’s time
to actually make those changes happen. And that, my friend, is where all of
us run smack into fear. And it can be paralyzing, totally paralyzing.

Ignorance Guards Fear
This fear is protected with a wall of ignorance. Take divorce: Can I make a
living? Is it best for the children? Can I get custody? Partial custody? How
much alimony will she/he/I get? How long will it take? Can I afford the
fight? And so on.

All these questions have answers, or approximate answers. And it’s pretty
certain that if we’re feeling afraid, we probably don’t know these answers.
These answers give you the understanding and knowledge to allow you to see where
change will take you. The more of the answers you have, the less ignorance
you have to protect your fears. Once the fears diminish, it becomes possible
to make the decision WITHOUT anguish. What’s more, it becomes emotionally
possible to start making those changes.

Fear is dealt with by 1000 tiny steps to LEARN. It’s amazing how little we
know about the things we fear. One phone call, a visit to a web site, a phone
call to a friend, a question on a support list - can provide the knowledge to
change something from a fearful unknown to “Hey! I can do that!” The key is
to recognize the fear of change, and put your finger on what you are
assuming, without really knowing, that makes you afraid. From that, you can
take a
step to get a better understanding. And once you have it, you’ll be able to
take another step.

It may take ten or 20 small steps to make a big change. For me, a great
example was finding a divorce attorney. I was so frightened of that. But I did
the 20 steps, one by one: buy a book; read the book; look in the phone book;
read the book again; talk to a friend; read that book again to find out what
I’m
supposed to ask; make a list of questions; write a script for a voicemail;
look on the internet; look again; try harder this time; make a call; return a
call, make an appointment; Every damned one of those things I was afraid of.
Even buying the book! I bought it with cash so my wife wouldn’t ask what
I’d
bought! But as a result of those small steps, I was able to make a big
change.

Once I determined to knock these walls down, everything came into focus and
my actions became part of a plan. Something that I chose and I took control
of. By eliminating ignorance of the “what ifs”, you eliminate the anguish
and
allow yourself to own your choices, and to move forward and change your life.

Step by step, little by little, you knock down the walls of ignorance that
guard those fears.

© 2006 Richard, 21CP Author and Publisher

_http://tearsandhealing.com/_ (http://tearsandhealing.com/)






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