Codependency Symptoms

Excerpted from:  Coping with Codependency by Kay Marie Porterfield

The opposite side of giving control over our lives to other people is trying to control their lives. If we do not respect our boundaries, we cannot respect theirs. We codependents may not punch people or or even threaten to; we're much too nice for that. We may not call people names, but we are experts at bossiness. We always know what the people around us should be thinking and what they ought to be doing. When we don't tell them outright, we find ways to manipulate them into being the way we want them to be.

We don't do this because we are bad people. We are insecure people. Controlling others makes us feel wanted and needed. Trying to control others was a way we learned to survive in our dysfunctional families.

Some of the manipulation tactics codependents use are:

People-pleasing. When we tell people what we think they want to hear no matter what we are really thinking and feeling, we are trying to manipulate them into liking us. We pretend to be what we are not in order to avoid conflict and prevent people from rejecting or leaving us.

Being instantly intimate. Sometimes codependents crave closeness so much that we overwhelm people by crashing through their boundaries. We try to spend every minute we can with them. We share our problems with then, whether they want to listen or not. We demand absolute loyalty.

Caretaking. We confuse caring about people with taking care of them. Often we try to help people when they neither want nor need our help. Other times we may hook up with people who really do need help and we give so much of it that we keep them dependent on us.

Fixing. After a while, simply taking care of people and trying to meet their needs isn't enough. We go a step further in invading their boundaries by trying to change or fix them. Some of us become part-time counselors. Others are reformers. We are experts at nagging, pleading, cajoling, and whining. When people complain, we tell them that we are doing it for their own good.

Playing guilt games. Instead of owning up to the anger we feel when our manipulations fail to work, codependents walk around feeling hurt and sad. We usually make certain the people around us know how bad they have made us feel and try to make them feel guilty for hurting or disappointing us.

Coping with Codependency by Kay Marie Porterfield offers practical help to young adults who want to break free from codependency.