Hi:

We discuss all of these topics on the "End Verbal Abuse" group, too, at:
_http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse/_
(http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse/) for anyone who wants
to join.

Terri


In a message dated 9/18/2006 6:32:09 PM US Mountain Standard Time,
deborah0512@... writes:




Thank you Carol, that was what i needed. I just
needed affirmation that I am not going mad, that I am
not the one treating him badly etc. etc. Even the
strongest of people start to doubt themselves I think
when you are constantly bombarded with this kind of
stuff. I have ended this relationship and I will not
be going back.

Thank you again so much for taking the time to write,
I really appreciate the support and observations of
someone who doesn't know either one of us.

Deborah

--- Carol <_carolsonline@carolsonl_ (mailto:carolsonline@...) > wrote:

> Honey, that's more than verbal abuse. That's
> emotional and psychological
> abuse, too. He is being extremely manipulative of
> you. You are absolutely
> right to think of getting out of that relationship,
> regardless of the fact
> that you broke up your marriage to start it...and I
> am terribly sorry for
> that. *safe hugs*
>
> First of all, he has a problem with projection. He
> is telling you that you
> are not treating him right, when, in fact, it is he
> who is not treating you
> right. This is a very common form of emotional
> abuse. You may have seen a
> post a little while ago with the subject line: "I'm
> the abuser? Games
> abusers play." They all do it: Turn the fault around
> on you, when, in fact,
> it is they who are the problem. ACCEPT NO BLAME FOR
> THE ABUSE. IT IS NOT
> YOUR FAULT.
>
> From the sounds of it, you're not even there when a
> lot of the abuse is
> taking place. How, then, can it be your fault...and
> how can you be
> mistreating him if you aren't even with him? The man
> is silly to even
> suggest such a thing to you.
>
> It also sounds to me that he has no right to accuse
> you of having an
> affair. If he is back with his wife, he is no longer
> being faithful to you
> or his relationship with you. He has therefore
> forfeited his right to expect
> you to be faithful to him.
>
> The fact that he was drinking when he is nasty is no
> excuse for his
> behavior. I know many people who are perfectly
> pleasant--even fun--to be
> around when they are drinking. Some people are more
> pleasant or fun when
> drinking than when they are sober. (My abusive
> father is a perfect example.
> He's loads of fun when drunk--really playful--but
> when he sobers up, he's
> even worse than normal.)
>
> Some other things to consider regarding his drinking
> and its effects on him:
> If he is, in fact, a binge drinker, he is on a
> one-way road to alcoholism,
> if he isn't already there. Dealing with someone who
> is addicted to *anything
> * is NO FUN. It is actually rather nightmarish, and
> the only person who can
> change that addiction is the addict. Until they do,
> they make everyone
> around them miserable. If anyone even *suggests* the
> addict get help, the
> addict will either take offense and lash out at that
> person or will get
> depressed, go hide, and binge more than usual. You
> do *not* want to get
> involved with someone like that. *Trust* me. My
> father is only addicted to *
> smoking*, and *that's* bad *enough*.
>
> Also, if that is how he behaves when he's drinking,
> and he is, according to
> your message, a binge drinker--which, in my mind,
> means he drinks heavily
> whenever he is stressed, depressed, angry, or
> otherwise feeling in need of
> some comfort--his behavior is only going to get
> worse and happen more often
> over time. When someone becomes dependent on a
> mind-altering substance for
> comfort from life's stressors, they turn to it more
> and more often as time
> passes. He is going to progress toward a point where
> he will be nasty more
> often than not. If you get involved with him on a
> permanent basis, you are
> going to have to deal with the mean drunk more often
> than the way he behaves
> when he's not drinking.
>
> Please, Deborah, look inward and find the person you
> know is worthy of your
> self love and realize that you don't want her to be
> in that kind of
> situation. If your concern is that you can't survive
> without the financial
> assistance of this man, visit your local Family
> Independence Agency or
> whatever local government agency is in your area to
> help people like you.
> For *immediate* assistance, go to the local women's
> shelter, explain your
> abusive situation to them and that you have no place
> to live if you leave
> it, and that you need help. They will be able to
> help you from there.
>
> Be well. You have fellow human beings who love you,
> as well as a loving
> higher power watching over you from above. It also
> helps to pray for
> guidance and "please, just give me the strength to
> get through this." I've
> been doing that a lot. It took time, but things are
> finally starting to look
> a little better, even though I'm still living with
> my
> verbally/emotionall verbally/emotio verbally/emotionall
>
> Peace, love, and warmth to you,
> Carol
>
> On 9/15/06, deborah0512 <_deborah0512@deborah05_
(mailto:deborah0512@...) >
> wrote:
> >
> > Hi all,
> >
> > I need some help and opinions. I am involved with
> a man who is a
> > binge-drinker. We broke up about three months ago
> after an
> > alcoholic episode and what I considered to be
> subsequent verbal
> > abuse. He refuses during these episodes to phone
> me (probably
> > because he is drinking) and wants to communicate
> only on text
> > message. He texts really hurtful things, he calls
> me an f'ing lier,
> > user etc. He says I don't treat him right, how
> can I love him and
> > treat him like I do (I am never to sure what he is
> talking about
> > exactly).
> >
> > Anyway, probably against my better judgment I got
> back together with
> > him, but I told him that I would not accept his
> verbal abuse, his
> > using text as a communication tool when in a
> relationship problem,
> > or his alcoholism.
> >
> > I got a new job and was sent to NY for a course
> last week. He
> > accused me of not keeping in touch with him enough
> while I was away,
> > although I was working 10 - 12 hours a day. He
> has virtually
> > accused me of having an affair with my boss, after
> I mentioned that
> > I thought my boss was very intuitive and wise. I
> got angry at his
> > accusations and didn't contact him for a couple of
> days. He sent
> > flowers, with no apology, and I called him and
> thanked him for the
> > flowers and said he could call me if he wanted.
> Apparently this was
> > not the response he was looking for and I was hit
> with 25 text
> > messages calling me an f'ing liar, a user,
> attacking me in every way
> > possible. I don't love him, because I don't treat
> him right. How
> > can I say I love him and yet I ignore him. He
> says I am selfish and
> > one-sided and that he is the one who gives and
> builds me up and I
> > ignore him. By the way, I know he was drinking at
> the time he was
> > sending these.
> >
> > He continues to text me and I have pointed out
> that I told him that
> > I would not tolerate texting and verbal abuse. He
> says that he has
> > to speak to me roughly or I won't listen to him,
> it is all my
> > fault. He loves me and he is sorry but he speaks
> roughly to me, but
> > he has to or I won't listen. He still has not
> called me, this is
> > all on text message. He says he will not tolerate
> anymore bs from
> > me.
> >
> > By the way, I broke up my marriage to be with this
> man, and am now
>
=== message truncated ===








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