This Excerpt: What Became of Me?

© 2006 Richard, 21CP Author and Publisher

_http://tearsandhealing.com/_ (http://tearsandhealing.com/)

[In the book, the title of this section is "What Happened to Me?" I realize
this has more than one meaning. So I suppose I should pick one?

A better wording might be “What Became of Me?” In all the coping and caring
and compensating and fixing… Too often it all gets focused on others: dodging
bullets; trying to placate a partner who can’t be placated; trying to make
things ok for children in a home that really isn’t ok. Somewhere in all this,
there’s a piece missing. Nobody is taking any care of me.

Not even me.

We best care for others, and best meet our obligations, by first caring for
ourselves. Simple, but a big change in thinking for many of us.

This essay is one that falls squarely within the focus of Tears and Healing.
It deals with our emotions and how we react when we've been mistreated, and
helps to focus decision-making for moving forward. My writing now spans three
dimensions of living with an abusive partner. Tears and Healing addresses
the first. Meaning from Madness explains the psychological motivations that
drive disordered people to act abusively, and also explores the current thinking
on prospects for improvement with treatment. In Love and Loving It - Or Not!
deals with the glue that draws us into and holds us in these relationships -
a critical piece that most all of us must address. The three are now
available together as a package.

Each of the main pages for the books now offers 3 formats: softcover,
e-book, and the quick-pack which gets you the softcover and e-book for a few
extra
dollars with the two formats licensed to stay in the same household. That way
you can read all you want when the e-book arrives (often within 10 minutes,
but not always) and still have the paperback to read in the tub. Similarly,
the triple pack is available in all three formats. A new home page with every
available format of every title is out there in draft form:
_http://dalkeithpress.com/default.aspx_ (http://dalkeithpress.com/default.aspx)
]

What Happened to Me?

The one person, and the one obligation, that is neglected most by nons is
the obligation to one’s self.

We are taught in life to persist. We are taught to finish the job, not to
give up. We are taught, in short, to use our will to push ourselves to do the
“
right” things. And this is a big, big problem for many of us.

Feelings Over Thoughts: The problem with acting in accordance with our will
is that it puts our thoughts in charge to override our feelings. The idea is
that we know with our thoughts what is right, and our feelings are selfish,
weak, greedy, lustful, and otherwise wrong. So our feelings make us want to do
things, but our correct and right-minded thoughts tell us what is really
right, and will provides the force that makes the thought prevail over the
feeling.

And the thing that is so terribly wrong in this model is that our thoughts
are never more right than our feelings. Could it be so?

Peck (p. 165) speaks to this very nicely, and the section on Depression and
the Unconscious (p. 68) summarizes his view. When we use will to enforce our
thoughts, we sicken ourselves - because we are acting in opposition to the
basic life drive within us.

Perhaps this is a bit of a leap. But our feelings are the ultimate arbiter
of what is right and wrong. They come to us through prayer, meditation, or
stillness. They are, in essence, our path or channel to God.

Self-Love comes First of All - When we allow the truth that we find in our
deepest feelings to become the guiding force in our lives, we discover that
indeed I am of paramount importance. The force of will, pressing us to stay in a
hurtful place, is gradually replaced with the truth from our inner
knowledge. We are obligated above all to care for ourselves.

This message comes very clear from inside. The depression, the frustration,
the anger that our unhealthy relationships cause, all of these clamor for
change. They are the feelings - the signals - that we are neglecting ourselves.
And ultimately we must respect this obligation to ourselves, or we will
perish. We will disappear as our spirits are pressed by abuse into smaller and
smaller spaces, with greater and greater pain. Ultimately, our protection
mechanisms will relieve this pain - by dissociation, by denial, by altered
awareness, and ultimately by death.

Children need us - Last, many of us lose sight of the primary importance to
our children of our own mental and spiritual health. We use our will to
overcome the pain, resentment, and deprivation of our abusive and isolated
lives to
provide that intact family that we so value. Yet we lose sight of the damage
that is done to us by this choice. We lose the balanced perspective we need
to see how our parental interactions and parental models are diminished by
the hurt we suffer and the abuse we allow.

Our first responsibility to our children is to be healthy ourselves. We
would never choose to be physically unable to care for them. We have the same
obligation to stay mentally and spiritually able to care for them. As nons we
must fight for this well being. For many of us, it can only be found by leaving
the relationship. If this is true, we are obligated to do this - to leave the
relationship - if we are to provide the nurture and care that our children
need.

The change doesn’t have to be permanent. We can always come back. But we
need to make sure that the right changes happen in our partner’s behavior
before
we do that. And often, holding to a very serious boundary like this might be
the only way to motivate a partner to make big changes.

© 2006 Richard, 21CP Author and Publisher

_http://tearsandhealing.com/_ (http://tearsandhealing.com/)



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