Losses, Seen and Not

Today as we remember the losses and celebrate the heroism of 9/11, the
families of those killed can be thankful for the public recognition and sharing
of
their anguish. For some of us, touched by losses of a another sort, this day
can be difficult, and we may not even understand why.

It is easy to relate to the tragedy of 9/11. The devastation was so visible,
so tangible, and the images were constantly in front of us, and are again
now. It's impossible to look at them without feeling the shock and horror of
events that destroyed so much, so many, in such a brutal way.

But crashing buildings are but one way that lives can be devastated. Some of
us have suffered losses just as painful as those of 9/11. We, too, have lost
family members. Not to terrorism, but to disease. We, too, have had to
struggle through the pain of building new lives, not from spouses severed from
us
by death but severed from us by uncontrolled anger, abuse, and insanity. Even
worse, many of us were brutally treated. Some of us lost not just a spouse
but children as well in the ensuing chaos and distortion of divorce.

But there will be no memorial ceremony for us. There is no hallowed ground
on which to stop and be reminded of the pain we have suffered. No newspaper
headlines will tell our story. Even among those close to us, the reality of our
anguish is disguised by manipulation and deceit. For us, there is no Ground
Zero.We struggle on, often isolated, and precious few can really understand.

I've written and taught that we are shaped by our memories, true or false,
good or bad. Powerful hurts like the loss of lives and the destruction of
marriages and families have a powerful impact on us. The unspoken message of
these events is to demean and destroy what is really dear to us. These memories
and messages, so much in conflict with the life energy in our spirit, are very
damaging, and make us sick and depressed.

Healing requires a continued stream of healthier messages; messages in
harmony with our spirit; messages that reinforce that we deserve better, and
that
the losses we suffered were hurtful and wrong.

The survivors and family members can be thankful for the public remembrance
and recognition of their hurt. For these events and this attention from others
send powerful healing messages. In time these messages can, and will,
diminish and replace the intense hurtful message of the 9/11 tragedy. And as
these
memories of validation and recognition accumulate, the emotional harm from
the tragedy will diminish.

Many of us sharing these mailings are coping with losses that will not be
recognized. Shrouded in deceit, ignorance of illness and abuse, and shame, the
hurt from our losses will be ours alone to heal. Our lives have been no less
shattered than the lives of the 9/11 families. But we will struggle, largely
alone, among communities and a society that cannot comprehend what we've
experienced.

We know, at some deep level, that our losses are just as deserving of the
mourning and recognition given to 9/11.Watching others receive comfort hurts us
yet again, sending an implicit message that our suffering is not as worthy;
that somehow they deserve to be embraced, but we do not. This compounds rather
than heals our hurts. As so we find, even though we too mourn for the 9/11
families, that somehow this day just does not feel right to us.

All suffering is real and valid. In a perfect world, anyone coping with
loss, whether a public tragedy like 9/11 or a private one like the devastation
caused by mental illness or addiction, would be embraced and comforted. But our
world is not perfect. Today we remember and mourn those lost on 9/11, but we
also, if only silently, need to remember and honor our own losses and
anguish.

Richard Skerritt, 9-11-2006


© 2006 Richard, 21CP Author and Publisher

_http://tearsandhealing.com/_ (http://tearsandhealing.com/)


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