Onions and Scrambled Eggs - Part 1
© 2006 Richard, 21CP Author and Publisher

_http://tearsandhealing.com/_ (http://tearsandhealing.com/)


In this essay, I talk about the perception we often form of disordered
partners; a perception that they are, at heart, normal healthy and loving
people.
Somehow we imagine that they've been burdened with a disruptive illness, and
that if we could just "peel away" that illness, we would have the wonderful
person within.

This raises two issues, both of which I explore in greater depth in my new
Meaning from Madness. The first is the question of what is at the core of
disordered people. In reality, their behavior can span a very wide range, and we
have to sort out what that means about them as people and as partners. The
second is the question of healing, something that many of us have outdated ideas
about based on what we read and hear. Meaning from Madness deals with the
underlying dynamics and psychological defense mechanisms of the three disorders
that show up in abusers: borderline, narcissistic, and sociopathic
(antisocial), and it gives an updated outlook on treatment prospects. The book
comes
directly out of the explanations that people need to hear when they consult
with me, and I recommend it as the ideal complement to Tears and Healing.

In keeping with Tears and Healing's focus on us rather than them, the
message in this excerpt is focused on us and our beliefs about our partners.
When
our partners have personality disorders, especially the abusive ones named
above, they are pretty seriously troubled people. Our natural inclination is to
think the best of people, and that attitude can lead to a lot of hurt. This
essay is an attempt to get to the reality of the situation.

The third piece in this relationship puzzle is the issue of being in love,
which I address in In Love and Loving It - Or Not! The title is a not-so-subtle
reference to the anguish these feelings of love can cause when things don't
go right. The three books can be had in a package. Check the links on the
right.

Today is the first half of this essay.]

Onions and Scrambled Eggs - Part 1

Well, Many nons feel that there is a “good core” in their PDSOs
(significant others with a personality disorder, including borderline,
narcissistic and
antisocial) and that, much like an onion, they can somehow peel the layers of
the disorder away, revealing this beautiful diamond core. Of course, most
all of us live (or did) with behavior that varies all over the map from violent
to adorable. Is it just a layer?

If you’re going to make good decisions, it’s important to understand what
you live with. First, let’s look at PDs who are sick, in denial, and don’t
accept responsibility. This isn’t a mood. This isn’t a passing state. I’ll
say
more about healing later, but to begin, we need to keep in mind that PDs are
disordered and will stay that way until they accept responsibility for
themselves The idea of a shimmering diamond is enticing, but is it there?

One analogy I have used around this issue is:

“My H is really a good, law-abiding person. It’s just that every once in a
while he robs a bank. But really, deep down inside, he is a good, law abiding
person.”

The only way I can make sense of this kind of alternating behavior is to
back up from it. In my mind, the basic truth is:

Good, law-abiding people don’t rob banks. When you see someone rob a bank,
you know they are not a law abiding person.

I would apply this to a definition of a loving person: A loving person does
not demean, derogate, hit, kick, spit on, or rage at other people. When you
see these behaviors, you know that you are not seeing a loving person.

A disordered person is just that: disordered. There is no gem of personality
inside the disorder. This is why they are called personality disorders -
because they disorder the entire structure of the person. Living with a
disordered person and thinking there is a sparkling diamond waiting for us to
uncover
is unrealistic. We can never peel this onion. A PD is more like a scrambled
egg. The tendency to be loving and good is intertwined with the compulsion to
be hurtful. There is not some diamond inside, covered by a crust. The whole
person is disordered - scrambled, if you will. You get it all together, or
you get nothing. You might read the Parable of the Tree (p. 70).

Projected diamonds: And what is it that makes up this scrambled mess? Is it
a diamond? Is it the precious person we imagine? Well, only healing will tell,
but it’s not likely. The “ideal” persona that we sometimes see in our SOs
is not an expression of their true self. It is a facade, held up to avoid
rejection. Surely that cannot represent their core. And like everyone, we
project
our own wishes and desires onto others, including our SOs. “Oh, isn’t she
sweet?” we coo at a toddler, even though she may be far from it. It is what
we
value and wish to see. We do this with our SOs, too. I talk about this a
little in On Changing Values (p. 117). Our perceptions of our SOs are distorted
by both their ideal facades and our own projected desires.

Not our onion: More importantly, even if this were an onion, it is not our
onion to peel. Only the disordered person can choose to do that. It is not our
responsibility to do that; it is not within our power to do that. If we are
focused on “helping” our PDSO, we are in the wrong place. We need to be
focused on helping ourselves. It is up to our SOs to choose to change.

[continued in next excerpt...]

© 2006 Richard, 21CP Author and Publisher

_http://tearsandhealing.com/_ (http://tearsandhealing.com/)


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