Onions and Scrambled Eggs - Part 2
© 2006 Richard, 21CP Author and Publisher

_http://tearsandhealing.com/_ (http://tearsandhealing.com/)


PDs and Healing

In the section Memory Shapes Us (p. 124), I talk about a model for how abuse
affects us. One part of that model is the life energy that I believe we all
possess, which I call our spirit. This is the wellspring of all our
motivation and the source of the energy that drives our lives. Everyone has a
spirit,
and that includes PDs. Indeed, PDs seem to have a tremendous life energy
drive - it’s just that it finds expression in unhealthy and hurtful ways.

The wonderful aspect of our spirit is its phenomenal power to heal us. When
we can open ourselves to its energy and its messages, it can empower and
enable us to achieve amazing things. Even healing a personality disorder.

But to make this happen, the PD must assume responsibility for his life and
his behavior. Once someone accepts that he is responsible for the choices he
makes and the way he behaves, he can then begin to tap that life energy and
use it for healing. But it is like a catch 22. A primary defense for PDs is
denial and blame shifting. So before healing can start, denial must stop. But
this means a big part of the disease must stop before healing can begin. What a
mess! It really takes a leap of faith to get started.

And when healing takes place, a new person must be melded from what is
present and what is learned in the healing process. Old coping habits must be
dropped; new ones substituted. Patterns of thought must change. Yes, the spirit
within that person can emerge, and can find expression as a complete person,
but the shape of that newly formed diamond is unknown until it is formed. It is
a rebirth and reformation process the outcome of which can’t be known
beforehand.

Staying Realistic
My point in saying this is not that we must all abandon everyone who is not
well, but we need to be realistic about what we are living with. Loving
people don’t abuse. Abusers are not loving people. And no matter how much we
love
our SOs, as long as they remain in denial, our love will not bring out some
precious hidden personality. Only our troubled partners can make the choice to
take responsibility for their own lives and strive to be well. Those that
choose to make life changes can overcome their compulsion to be harmful and
evolve a new and unknown personality. Unfortunately, few PDs will make that
choice.

A stable, loving partner can help reduce the compulsion to be harmful, but
doesn’t generally bring forth a loving relationship. Therapy and medication
can
help, but generally only to reduce the intensity and frequency of the harm.
If the PD does not make the gut-wrenching commitment to take responsibility,
things will never be normal.

The diamond is an illusion, painted by them to overcome the problems they
know they have, reinforced by our projected needs. In my case, it was a fantasy
inspired by outward appearance and my projection of an idealized “inner spirit
” (the diamond) onto her.

Regardless of whether our intention is to stay, be ambivalent, or go, it is
important to get a realistic perspective as soon in OUR lives as we can, and
understand the key difference between denial and assumption of responsibility,
so that we can better deal with what confronts us.

Are you seeing a diamond at the core of someone who treats you horribly? Get
all three books and get the whole picture on your situation.

Struggling with how to find a healthy love in your life? In Love and Loving
It - Or Not! can help you really understand what is going on inside your mind,
and work that process to get happier.

If you're ready to understand what is going on in your partner, get Meaning
from Madness and get the explanation for what drives disordered behavior.


© 2006 Richard, 21CP Author and Publisher

_http://tearsandhealing.com/_ (http://tearsandhealing.com/)


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