From Tears and Healing

© 2006 Richard, 21CP Author and Publisher
_http://tearsandhealing.com/_ (http://tearsandhealing.com/)

This Excerpt: You're Not Crazy

[To start healing after being in a close relationship with a disordered
person for a long time, the first thing we have to do is to sort out what is
our
reality, and what is their reality. As you learn more, you begin to see how
the disordered use the techniques of brainwashing to distort our reality to
get us to accept their sick, abusive one. But the first step is to realize
that.

My new mini-book Meaning from Madness, explains the underlying thought and
feeling patterns that motivate abusers, and explains the psychological defense
mechanisms they use to maintain their reality - distorting ours in the
process.


As I continue helping people deal with the discovery of a personality
disorder in a partner or SO, the three-fold nature of this challenge becomes
more
and more clear. This is reflected in my books which are written by and for
people in this situation: Tears & Healing, Meaning from Madness, and In Love
and
Loving It-Or Not!. For most of us, we need to discover what we are really
about; get a handle on our partner's madness, and then deal with the attraction
that pulled and still pulls us toward that. For those of you with an interest
in the ideal in human interactions, the book I actually wrote first - Way of
Respect - presents an inspiring perspective on how we can be our best
relating to others. You can get those together with a small savings in the
n-packs.]

You’re not Crazy

For many of us, struggling to live with an abusive partner, the first
handhold we need to grasp is that we are not crazy. Whether the person we live
with
has borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder,
antisocial personality disorder/sociopathy, or alcoholism, people who suffer
from
these disorders have extreme emotions, which lead them to actions that can
range from puzzling to brutal. Living with them is painful and confusing.
Personality disorders are aptly named, because the minds of people who suffer
from these disorders work differently than healthy people.

It might be tempting to think that all the madness in your life is the result
of your partner's disorder. But in reality you are experiencing the
interplay of you and your partner's disorder. It is only by understanding how
you
and your partner function, how his or her personality disorder affects his or
her behavior, and how you interact, that you can begin to really judge what is
happening.

They Spin our Reality: Disordered people can't deal with the reality of
their behaviors. On some level they realize how hurtful they are, yet accepting
this major flaw in themselves is just too painful. So disordered abusers spin
our reality to make theirs less painful. One of the most common defense
mechanism they use is projection. In projection, a characteristic of themselves
that they find just too painful to accept is projected onto us. And the most
frequently projected characteristic is mental illness. "I don't have a BPD. YOU
Have BPD." Another common and difficult defense mechanism is blame shifting.
It's your fault this happened because blah, blah blah blah...

After a while it becomes hard to distinguish what is real from what is being
projected and what is being distorted. We begin to doubt our reality and
question whether we're the crazy ones, or whether our disordered SO's
(significant others) are really right about what they say.

The truth is, THEY'RE NOT RIGHT. But they feel better when they can get us
to carry the burden of their illness and their behavior.

What's more, disordered people hide their problems very effectively. People
with all of these personality disorders - borderline personality disorder,
narcissistic personality disorder, and antisocial personality disorder - have
serious maladjustments in coping with life. Thus, they live in emotional
turmoil. They seek to present a very together appearance, hiding their disease
from most people. It is only when we get into a close and private relationship
with someone with these personality disorders that the abusive behavior comes
out. And because their lives are wracked with emotional turmoil, there is a
lot of pent-up emotion that can be focused on us. Yet those around us don't see
it, causing us further confusion.

The different disorders have different underlying themes. People suffering
from borderline personality disorder respond to some events with extreme fear
of abandonment - events that would have little meaning to a healthy person.
Similarly, those suffering with narcissistic personality disorder respond with
extreme defensive actions to events which they feel would make others think
they are flawed. Those with antisocial personality disorder lack normal
feelings of responsibility and compassion and thus have little motivation to
restrain their reactions. And alcoholics can show any of these, while at the
same time their natural inhibitions from hurtful behavior are suppressed by the
intoxication. Years of intense intoxication further disrupt the normal
functioning of their minds.

All of this leads to a lot of confusion for those of us unlucky enough to be
in committed relationships with someone with a personality disorder. My own
experience was with someone who probably would have barely diagnosed at her
worst - and definitely not at her best - with borderline personality disorder.
What I have learned, as I have begun helping people with broader experiences,
is that much of what I learned about abuse and borderline personality
disorder also applies to narcissistic personality disorder and antisocial
personality disorder.

Through all of this runs a strong link to alcoholism. AA and Al-Anon have a
culture that treats alcoholism as a disease alone and apart. Thus, people
getting support through these channels may be led to think that there is nothing
more to learn beyond alcoholism and spiritual growth. Yet this approach
leaves some things unexplained. They talk about "dry drunks" and problems that
persist long after alcoholics get sober. Why is this so? If addictive use of
alcohol is the problem, why don't things improve when the alcohol abuse stops?

The reality is more likely that alcoholism and other addictions, like
pot/marijuana, prescription drugs, cocaine, etc, are the result of a personality
disorder. In the case of my ex-wife, a mixed addiction to alcohol and
prescription psych meds was the result of self-medication to deal with the
emotional
pain of her disorder. Addiction is extremely toxic, and greatly worsens the
effects of a personality disorder. But if the substance abuse stops, the
underlying personality disorder is still there.

Thus, understanding how a partner with borderline personality disorder,
narcissistic personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder, alcoholism,
and substance abuse will interact with us is essential if we are to get a
handle on our situations and our own lives. And to begin with, we have to
realize
that even though we are victims of a prolonged distortion campaign and may
feel very confused about things, WE ARE NOT CRAZY.

From Tears and Healing

© 2006 Richard, 21CP Author and Publisher
_http://tearsandhealing.com_ (http://tearsandhealing.com/)




"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting
different results." - Albert Einstein


Fallen Officer Kenneth Collings
_http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html_
(http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html)



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