UPDATED SAFETY PLAN AND 50+ WAYS TO LEAVE AN ABUSER

Targets planning to leave their abuser typically have few resources, are
frightened, and feel guilty. Here are some general tips for those planning to
leave. These are from DR Irene, myself, and other sources. If anyone wants to
add something, please let me know:



GET INFORMED

The most informative site on Verbal Abuse is DR Irene's:

_http://www.drirene.com_ (http://www.drirene.com/)


The most informative site on Codependency is Robert Burney's:


_http://www.joy2meu.com_ (http://www.joy2meu.com/)



GET READING

The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker

_http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0440226198/templeofwisdo-20_
(http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0440226198/templeofwisdo-20)


Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for
Yourself by Melody Beattie

_http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0894864025/templeofwisdo-20_
(http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0894864025/templeofwisdo-20)


How to Break Your Addiction to a Person: When and Why Love Doesn't Work, and
What to Do About It by Howard Halpern

_http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0553260057/templeofwisdo-20_
(http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0553260057/templeofwisdo-20)


Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin by Anne Katherine

_http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1567312365/templeofwisdo-20_
(http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1567312365/templeofwisdo-20)

*If you cannot afford to buy these books, you can find many of them for free
at your local library. Remember, the more independent you learn to be from
your abuser, the less power your abuser has over you.



GET THERAPY AND SUPPORT

Whenever possible enlist the help and support of family and friends, but
don't expect them to "save" you for you. Only you can do this for yourself.


Call your local Domestic Violence Shelter and your State Department of
Health for information on free counseling, support groups, and resources for
reduced cost/free medication if need be (for depression, anxiety, and so on).
Look
for Domestic Violence Shelters and State Department of Health in your phone
book, usually listed under the "Government" section.

*You can also often find this information by using a search engine (such as
Yahoo at _http://www.yahoo.com_ (http://www.yahoo.com/) ) and typing in the
keywords: "department of health for the state of New York" or "domestic
violence shelters in the state of Arizona" (minus the quotations and
substituting
your state for either).



Yahoo! Groups

Look for online codependency, verbal abuse, domestic violence, depression,
and suicide informational and support groups by doing a search at
_http://groups.yahoo.com_ (http://groups.yahoo.com/)


End Verbal Abuse

_http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse/_
(http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse/)



Co-Dependents Anonymous

_http://www.codependents.org_ (http://www.codependents.org/)


Depression Central



_http://www.psycom.net/depression.central.html_
(http://www.psycom.net/depression.central.html)


Wings of Madness:

_http://www.wingofmadness.com/index.htm_
(http://www.wingofmadness.com/index.htm)



GET HELP FOR SUICIDAL IDEATION NOW!

National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-SUICIDE/1-800-784-2433


Feeling Suicidal: Read this first!

_http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/_ (http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/)


Suicide and Suicide Prevention:

_http://www.psycom.net/depression.central.suicide.html_
(http://www.psycom.net/depression.central.suicide.html)




GET DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE NUMBERS AND RESOURCES

The National Domestic Violence Hotline is: 1-800-799-SAFE.


The US Department of Agriculture website provides Domestic Violence
information, including legal defense resources, and is located at:

_http://www.usda.gov/da/shmd/aware.htm_
(http://www.usda.gov/da/shmd/aware.htm)



The Feminist Majority Foundation offers a list of domestic violence and
sexual assault resources:


_http://www.feminist.org/911/_ (http://www.feminist.org/911/)

*Sometimes this link doesn't work. If not, check their home page instead at
_http://www.feminist.org_ (http://www.feminist.org/) and then click the link
on the right called "911 for Women").



GET PREPARED

Create a Safety Plan (see below).



Plan ahead financially. Do whatever you have to do to build up a nest egg.
You deserve no less.


Have a place to live lined up. If you don't know anyone you can live with,
contact your local welfare department for information and applications for
free and low income housing, food stamps, financial aid, etc. for those with
and
without children (the welfare department can usually be found in your phone
book under the "Government" section or in a search engine as outlined above).


Have a few shelters lined up. Know their numbers and addresses in the event
you need to leave ASAP.



GET EDUCATED

Haven't worked in a long time and/or are disabled? Federal and state job
training programs offer job/apprentice training, employment information, and
work opportunities for displaced homemakers, those who are handicapped,
minorities, et al. Contact your State Department of Human Resources or State
Department of Labor for more information, which can usually be found in your
phone
book under the "Government" section.

*You can also often find this information by using a search engine (such as
Yahoo at _http://www.yahoo.com_ (http://www.yahoo.com/) ) and typing in the
keywords: "department of human resources for the state of New York" or
"department of labor for the state of Arizona" (minus the quotations and
substituting
your state for either).


If at all able, return to school before leaving (or immediately after
leaving) to increase your education and learn important job skills. Your local
colleges offer information and applications for free grants, loans, and other
financial aid.


US Department of Education


_http://www.ed.gov/index.jhtml_ (http://www.ed.gov/index.jhtml)



DO'S

Do drop the guilt for once and for all, and forever! Guilt is irrational,
keeps you bound to the abuser, serves no good purpose, and is self-destructive.
It is your job to take care of yourself. Dumping guilt is your first lesson.


Do remember that your abuser uses your sympathy against you to manipulate
and control you! Get mad about what's been done to YOU, don't feel sorry for
the abuser.


Do keep in mind that your abuser thrives on intimidation! Many abusers will
fold once you stand up to them. Assert yourself whenever possible with NON
physically violent abusers. If the abuser is physically violent do whatever you
can to get out when alone or when being attacked, instead of standing up to
or fighting him/her back.


Do focus on rebuilding your self-esteem and becoming more assertive. Begin
with baby steps by finding a new hobby, joining a club to meet new friends,
reading daily positive affirmations, exercising a little bit each week, taking
a self-assertiveness training class, reading a book on boundary setting
skills, saying "no" to non-threatening persons, and so on; whatever you can
think
of saying/doing that won't overwhelm you but will enable you to feel better
about yourself and more courageous each and every day.


Do break the "I can't" habit. Targets tell themselves, "I can't..." for so
long that oftentimes they don't even realize what they CAN do! If you've put
up with abuse for this long, your strong enough to do anything you set your
mind to. Any time you find yourself focusing on what you think you can't do,
replace it with something you can do. There is always something you can say or
do to make things better for yourself. Anything from taking a walk, to making
that phone call to get treatment for depression, to going to a Domestic
Violence support group meeting, to reading a self-help book, to saying, "I am a
lovable person who deserves respect!"


Do stop being an open book by feeling the need to explain everything and
defend yourself. You don't owe your abuser explanations! (Do you get
explanations?) You are an adult; start acting like one.


Do call the authorities for help if you fear for your safety. Likewise, it
is illegal to block your exit! They can escort you out and put you in touch
with shelters, if necessary. Call 911.


Do contact your attorney, state authorities, or free legal aid services to
find out your legal rights, responsibilities, and options. Knowledge is power!



Do open your mouth. There's no need to protect your abuser's ugly secret.
Tell the world what was done to you and why you left.

Do document, document, document.


Do keep any incriminating letters, messages on your phone machine, save
emails, etc.


Do advise your employer of the situation, and have your abuser turned away
and phone calls blocked.


Do ask police and telephone personnel what your options are if being
harassed on the phone. Telephone harassment is illegal.



Do get an order of protection if you need one! If you've ever been hit, you
need one. If you've been threatened, you need one. If your property has been
damaged, you need one. Call your local police station if you're not sure.


Do get caller ID.


Do leave your possessions behind if you have to. Your possessions are less
important than you are.


Do use a court mediator or neutral third party for giving and receiving
messages if there has to be some communication with the abuser due to children.



Do get your backing in place (authorities, finances, emotional stuff, etc.)
before you make your stand.




DONT'S


Do not warn your abuser that the moving truck will come by at 9 AM on
Saturday morning! This is not a good idea. If you are serious about getting
out,
you are better off avoiding a confrontation. Leave without notice and when the
abuser is out of the house.




Do not verbally abuse or physically attack your abuser! This is not a good
idea either. It lowers you to the abuser's level, and can even result in
serious physical injury or death.


Do not make hollow threats about leaving in the hopes of getting the abuser
to change. Very quickly, the abuser will pick up on this "trick" and it will
prove completely ineffective (not to mention make you look weak).


Do not leave a forwarding address. Get an unlisted phone number. Change your
e-mail address.


Do not answer the phone, or just hang up, if the abuser calls you. If the
phone rings again, hang up again. And again.


Do not talk to your abuser if you are frightened, don't want to, or if you
feel you will weaken. Give yourself time to see things more clearly before you
communicate - if you decide to ever communicate with him/her again at all.




Do not ever, ever hide physical abuse. If you have bruises, call the police
to document your wounds. Likewise with your family doctor.



Do not ever forget: without treatment, abuse will get worse, not better...


*More valuable tips are included in the Personalized Safety Plan below



PERSONALIZED SAFETY PLAN

Below is a seven-step safety plan. Please take the time to print this and
fill it out with a friend, family member, or a target in need. Then keep it in
a safe, hidden, but easily remembered and accessible place by only YOU. Even
if you feel you will never need this information...


Step 1. Safety during violence.

I can use the following options:

a. If I decide to leave, I
will________________________________________________ (See Your Safety Plan).

b. I can keep a bag ready and put it______________________ so I can leave
quickly.

c. I can tell________________________________about the violence and have
them call the police when violence erupts.

d. I can teach my children to use the telephone to call the police and the
fire department.

e. I will use this word code________________________________for my children,
friends, or family to call for help.

f. If I have to leave my home, I will
go_________________________________________ (be prepared even if you think you
will never have to leave).

g. I can teach these strategies to my children.

h. When an argument erupts, I will move to a safer room such
as___________________________________________________________.

i. I will use my instincts, intuition, and judgment I will protect myself
and my children until we are out of danger.



Step 2. Safety when getting ready to leave.

I can use the following strategies:

a. I will leave money and an extra set of keys
with___________________________________________.

b. I will keep important documents and keys
at_______________________________________________________.

c. I will open a savings account by this
date___________________________________ to increase my independence.

d. Other things I can do to increase my independence
are:_______________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________

e. The domestic violence hotline is _____________________.

f. The shelter's hotline is _________________________.

g. I will keep change for phone calls with me at ALL times. I know that if I
use a telephone credit card, that the following month the telephone bill
will tell the batterer who I called after I left. I will keep this information
confidential by using a prepaid phone card, using a friend's telephone card,
calling collect, or using change.

h. I will check with_________________________ and ______________________ to
know who will let me stay with them or who will lend me money.

i. I can leave extra clothes with___________________________.

j. I will review my safety plan every ___________________(time frame) in
order to plan the safest route. I will review the plan with

______________________________ (a friend, counselor or advocate).

k. I will rehearse the escape plan and practice it with my children.



Step 3. Safety At Home

I can use the following safety methods:

a. I can change the locks on my doors and windows as soon as possible.

b. I can replace wooden doors with steel doors.

c. I can install security systems- i.e., additional locks, window bars,
poles to wedge against doors, electronic sensors, etc.

d. I can purchase rope ladders to be used for escape routes from the second
floor.

e. I can install smoke detectors and buy fire extinguishers for each floor
of my home.

f. I can install an outside lighting system that lights up when someone
approaches my home.

g. I will teach my children how to use the phone to make collect calls to me
and to ___________________________ (friend, family, minister) if my partner
tried to take them.

h. I will tell the people who care for my children, who has permission to
pick up my children. My partner is NOT allowed to. Inform the following people:

School_____________________________________

Day Care___________________________________

Babysitter_________________________________

Sunday School______________________________

Teacher____________________________________

And________________________________________

Others_____________________________________

i. I can tell my the following people that my partner no longer lives with
me and that they should call the police if he is near my residence:

Neighbors___________________________________

Church Leaders______________________________

Friends_____________________________________

Others______________________________________



Step 4. Order of Protection

The following steps will help enforce the order of protection:

a. I will keep the protection order______________________(know the
location/always keep it with you).

b. I will give my protection order to police departments in the areas that I
visit my friends, family, where I live, and where I work.

c. If I visit other counties, I will register my protection order with those
counties.

d. I can call the local domestic violence agency if I am not sure how to
register my protection order with the police departments.

e. I will tell my employer, my church leader, my friends, my family and
others that I have a protection order.

f. If my protection order gets destroyed, I know I can go to the County
Courthouse and get another copy.

g. If my partner violates the protection order, I will call the police and
report it. I will call my lawyer, my advocate, counselor, and/or tell the
courts about the violation.

h. If the police do not help, I will call my advocate or my attorney AND I
will file a complaint with the Chief of the Police Department.

i. I can file a private criminal complaint with the district judge in the
jurisdiction that the violation took place or with the District Attorney. A
domestic violence advocate will help me do this.



Step 5. Job and Public Safety

I can do the following:

a. I can tell my boss, security, and _______________ at work about this
situation.

b. I can ask___________________________________ to help screen my phone
calls.

c. When leaving work I can do the following:
___________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________

d. When I am driving home from work and problems arise, I
can_________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________

e. If I use public transportation, I
can_________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________


f. I will shop at different grocery stores and shopping malls at different
hours than I did when I was with my partner.

g. I will use a different bank and bank at different hours than I did when I
was with my partner.

h. I can also do the
following:_______________________________________________________________



Step 6. Drug and Alcohol Use.

I can enhance my safety if I do the following:

a. If I am going to use, I am going to do it in a safe place with people who
understand the risk of violence and who are committed to my safety.

b. I can also_____________________________________________________________

c. If my partner is using, I
can____________________________________________________________________

d. I can
also___________________________________________________________________

e. To protect my children, I
can____________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________



Step 7. Emotional Health

I can do the following:

a. If I feel depressed and ready to return to a potentially violent
situation/ partner, I

can______________________________________________________________________

I can call
_________________________________________________________________________

b. When I have to talk to my partner in person or on the phone, I
can______________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

c. I will use "I can..." statements and I will be assertive with people.

d. I can tell myself
"__________________________________________________________________________"
when I feel people are trying to control or abuse me.

e. I can call the following people and/ or places for
support:___________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

f. Things I can do to make me feel stronger
are:_____________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________






“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves: who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people wont feel insecure around you.

We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
Its not just in some of us, it is in everyone." - Marianne Williamson


Fallen Officer Kenneth Collings
_http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html_
(http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html)





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]