The Wife Rape Information Page

Q. What is Wife Rape?

A. Wife Rape is the term used to describe sexual acts committed without a
person's consent and/or against a person's will, when the perpetrator (attacker)
is the woman's husband or ex-husband.

Sexual acts may be accomplished against a person's will by physical force,
threats of force to her or a third person, or implied harm based on prior
assaults causing the woman to fear that physical force will be used if she
resists. A wife does not need to be "putting up a good fight" for it to be rape
(even according to the law). Some women have been hurt in the past for not
cooperating with their husbands. For example, some may have been physically
beaten, or had money or other necessities taken or withheld from them, or their
husband or partner may have used emotional or psychological abuse, such as
threatening to leave her. A woman who has experienced such things in the past
when
she has not agreed to her husband's sexual advances may choose to minimize
the harm to herself by resisting as little as possible. Many battered women
have reported that husbands have demanded sex directly following a beating, as
proof that the woman "forgives" him for beating her. When a woman submits to
sexual acts out of fear or coercion, it is rape.

Sexual acts may be accomplished without a person's consent when the woman is
capable of giving consent, but does not give it. Another way sex is
accomplished without consent is when a woman is unable to give consent, so that
the
man doesn't need to use force. For example, if she is under the influence of
alcohol or other drugs (including medication), if she is unconscious or asleep,
or if she is permanently or temporarily disabled in a way which limits her
ability to give consent.

Having sex with a person one time does not "imply" consent to any future
sexual acts. According to rape statutes, consent must be a cooperative act of
free will.

Sexual acts include but are not limited to penile-vaginal intercourse, the
insertion of genitals into the mouth or anus, or the insertion of objects into
the vagina or anus.

This page talks about "wife rape," which by definition only includes legally
married persons. Experiences of women who have been raped by long-term or
live-in partners are likely to be similar to wife rape in many respects. This
is true for same-sex couples. Most importantly, all survivors of rapes by
intimate partners must realize that they do not deserve to be degraded and used
in this manner.


Q. How are Victims of Wife Rape Different from Other Rape Victims?

A. Women raped by a partner are being violated by someone with whom they
share their lives, homes, and possibly children. In addition to the violation of
their bodies, they are faced with a betrayal of trust and intimacy. Sadly,
victims of wife rape are not likely to see what is being done to them as a
violation of their rights. This is no surprise, however, as society has only
recently legally recognized wife rape as a crime, and opinion polls show that
people still believe that wife rape must be "less harmful" than stranger rape.

Research indicates that wife rape victims are more likely to be raped
multiple times when compared with stranger and acquaintance rape victims, and
women
who experience wife rape suffer long lasting physical and psychological
injuries which are as severe or more severe than stranger rape victims.


Q. What Legal Rights do Married Women Have Regarding Wife Rape?

A. Today it is a crime in all 50 states (and federal lands) for a husband to
rape his wife. It is difficult to believe that just 20 years ago (in 1976) no
husband could be charged with raping his wife, due to a section in the rape
laws called the Marital Rape Exemption. This exemption (which was thought to
be common law in some states but the result of legislation in others)
actually exempted men from prosecution for rape in cases where the woman he
raped
was his wife!

The Marital Rape Exemption has not yet been completely removed. According to
the National Clearinghouse on Marital and Date Rape (see Resource List), as
of March 1996, only 17 states and the District of Columbia have completely
abolished the marital rape exemption. The marital privileges are extended to
unmarried cohabitants in 5 states, and to dates in 1 state (Delaware)

It is important to remember that under at least one section of the sexual
offense codes (usually those code sections regarding force), marital rape is a
crime in all 50 states. Each state has its own sexual offense codes. See the
Resource List to order a copy of marital rape laws by state.

Women may also sue their husbands in civil court for pain and suffering and
medical and other costs incurred as a result of sexual battery. Please see the
section on marital rape in the Lehrman book, listed below in the section
Resources for Legal Information about Wife Rape.


Q. Why Would a Man Rape His Wife?

A. Our ability to answer this question is limited, as so little research has
focused on husband-rapists. It is, however, clear from the reports of the
survivors that it is not due to a wife's withholding of sex (the most common
myth). Most women who report being raped by their husbands also report having
consensual sexual intercourse with them. Researchers who have spoken with
husband-rapists conclude that husband-rapists rape to reinforce their power,
dominance, or control over their wife or family, or to express anger.

Stereotypes about women and sex - such as: women enjoy forced sex, women say
"no" when they really mean "yes," it's a wife's duty to have sex - continue
to be reinforced in our culture through both mainstream and pornographic
media. Such messages not only mislead men into believing that they should
ignore a
woman's protests, but also mislead women into believing that they themselves
must have "sent the wrong signals," blaming themselves for unwanted sexual
encounters, or believing that they are "bad wives" for not enjoying sex
against their will.


Q. Why Would a Woman Stay With a Man Who Raped Her?

A. The answers to this question are very complicated. Many women believe it
is part of their "wifely duty" to have sex with their husbands, even if it is
violent sex against their own will. Many religious doctrines do outline
sexual acts as a "duty" for wives. In addition, it is only recently that the
law
has begun to offer wives protection from their husband's sexual attacks, and
many people may be unaware that wife rape is a crime.

Many women believe they cannot leave a relationship because they do not have
the financial resources to do so. If she has children, a woman's ability to
leave is complicated by the added problem of moving her children with her
(taking them out of school, away from friends) or abandoning her children. She
may not leave for fear of what the offender may do to her or the children. In
addition, some women may not leave due to love and loyalty to the husband,
which may override her own pain and suffering. The decision to leave a person
you care about or love can be very difficult, even when the relationship is
unhealthy or violent.


If You Have Experienced Sex Without Your Consent or Against Your Will by
Your Husband or Partner...

"If you and your husband have disagreements about sex, you can try to work
those out by talking, or by seeing counselors or therapists. Very serious
disagreements which don't get resolved can lead to separation or divorce. But
having a disagreement never gives a husband the right to rape a wife." -
Stopping Sexual Assault in Marriage, Center for Constitutional Rights

If your partner has insisted that you have sex against your will by force,
threats, or intimidation, please know that you are not alone and seek help. You
may want to seek personal and/or legal counseling. Counseling services can
be found through rape crisis centers, domestic violence services, and family
service agencies (see Resources below). You may call these numbers to discuss
past experiences as well as recent ones. Immediately following a rape
experience, please seek medical treatment at a hospital, followed by counseling.

Be forewarned that many rape crisis centers and domestic violence shelters
may not have services specifically designed for survivors of wife rape. Until
recently, this issue has not been widely discussed. Try not to get
discouraged, and know that efforts are underway to increase services for wife
rape
survivors (for more about the response of service providers to wife rape
survivors, see Wife Rape in the Resource List.

In Beijing in 1995, all governments represented in the United Nations voted
to abolish the marital privilege to sex on demand (see New York Times,
September 10, 1995: Women's Meeting Agrees on Right to Say No to Sex - A
Spouse's
Prerogative, Draft Wording Asserts Right to Make Sexual Decisions Free From
Coercion, by Seth Faison). You do not deserve to be abused and/or degraded in
this manner, and you do have legal and human rights.

Some people may claim that religious doctrines say it is a wife's duty to
have sex with her husband, regardless of the wife's wishes or the amount of
violence used. Despite such claims, sex on demand is NOT part of the marriage
contract in the United States. In fact, in January 1995, religious leaders
across all faiths, across the United States, made a public statement declaring a
woman's right to consent in their faith (see Los Angeles Times, February 5,
1996: When the Laws of God and Men Converge, by Roy Rivenburg). Please find
writings about religion and domestic violence or sexuality (written by someone
of your faith, if possible) which can offer you a different point of view and
address your spiritual concerns (see Yllo & LeClerc and Fortune in the
Resource List).


If You Have Had Sex with Your Wife or Partner Without Her Consent or Against
Her Will....

If you have coerced or forced your wife or partner into sexual acts against
her will, please seek help. Please see the resources and links at the end of
this page. The following lists are adapted from When Your Wife Says NO (see
the Resource list to order a copy of this pamphlet), and is intended to guide
men who are sexually assaultive/abusive towards a more healthy and abuse-free
sexual relationship with their wives:

Stop denying what you are doing to your wife: Admit that you are forcing sex
on her.

Decide to stop sexually abusing your wife now.

Begin to understand the pain and harm you are causing your wife by forcing
sex on her.

Begin to work on your problems by getting into treatment with a trained
specialist who works with people who are sexually aggressive. Begin your search
for help at either batterer treatment programs, sex therapists, or marriage
therapists.


A healthy sexual relationship is one in which:

Each person honors and esteems the other as a separate and special
individual with feelings, needs, and dreams of their own; each being equal in
personal
rights and freedom.

Each desires to cooperate and participate in making sexual activity a
positive and pleasurable aspect of the relationship for both partners.

Each is open with the other in discussing any sexual or other intimacy
issues arising in the relationship.
Each shares responsibility in deciding upon a system for family planning and
safe sex.

Sex which is freely, intelligently, and voluntarily given by your partner is
sex with consent. Your partner deserves to maintain her bodily integrity; she
deserves your respect.


What Can I Do About Wife Rape?

Educate yourself! Educate others! Talk to friends and family about wife
rape. Let them know that it is an issue which effects many people and has many
negative consequences.


Resources for Women Who Have Experienced Sex Without Their Consent or
Against Their Will by their Partner

Women who need assistance should contact their local rape crisis center or
battered women's shelter. Be forewarned that many rape crisis center and
shelters may not have services specifically designed for survivors of wife rape.
Try not to get discouraged, and know that efforts are underway to increase
services for wife rape survivors. If you need a referral to a local agency,
please call:

National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE
Rape Abuse Incest National Network 1-800-656-HOPE

(http://www.reason4living.com/articles/totw0041.htm)



“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves: who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people wont feel insecure around you.

We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
Its not just in some of us, it is in everyone." - Marianne Williamson


Fallen Officer Kenneth Collings
_http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html_
(http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html)






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