How did I Become Abusive?

"First say to yourself what you would be, and then do what
you have to do." -Epictetus


How did I Become Abusive?
by a "victim"

Yes, I've found, I can be, eventually will, be abusive
to my
shock and sorrow
(not to negate my responsibility)
But I have had many "good" teachers, "charming" masterful teachers
learned teachers
Those who have counseled my soul
and I have learned much and each lesson hurts,
digs in further
&
leaves me confounded
on how to integrate this foreign idea
The idea of hurting someone with "intention"
What have I learned?
Hummm
Protection ~ of Him, for him, from him, Ultimately of me (how dare I !)
Negotiation ~ of my real self
abandonment ~ That makes grieving of a death supremely bearable
Loss ~ of self
Strength ~ which will become evident later , later , later because I'm blind
to
my strength now
I thank you for the Lesson's Non-the less
Even still I feel shame, guilt, a sense of overwhelming responsibility to
make
it Right, even as I write
As if some thing has continued it's dogged vision, it's cancerous "tick" that
pushes forward until
I quit running
quit trying
Stop
and surrender
to the "agenda"
even now I call it... "it" I can't even find fault with him now

Because
"it"
Lives on
our Rage
our helplessness,
our fear,
&
eventually
our hardness of soul
and "objectification
of Love
Leaving a Narrow path to follow

Yes there are points of Solace,
peace,
clarity ~
even love
doled out as crumbs
a Nibble
used only as another
tool
of Abuse
Like a sweet scent that drifts into the room
and just as "magically" disappears
with
a look
a body gesture
the click of the front door,
ring of the phone,
another abandonment

Leaves me with
more
"should" haves and "could" haves
How can I
FIX this
*
FIX ME
So that It will be alright again
the cycle
the turning of the worm


That tis all
Please feel free to post and be a harsh critic or validator :)

In Peace
K


Dear K, unfortunately the victim learns the abuser's tricks all too often...
Dr. Irene




“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves: who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people wont feel insecure around you.

We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
Its not just in some of us, it is in everyone." - Marianne Williamson


Fallen Officer Kenneth Collings
_http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html_
(http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html)






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