Email: Hopeless Victim?
by DR Irene

DEAR DR. IRENE,
I'M 25, I'VE GOT AN EIGHT YEAR OLD DAUGHTER FROM MY FIRST MARRIAGE AND AM
RE-MARRIED NOW, ALMOST 5 YEARS. WE WERE BOTH MARRIED TO OTHER PEOPLE AND LEFT
OUR MARRIAGES FOR EACH OTHER. HE LEFT 4 YOUNG KIDS BEHIND. I ALWAYS FELT
GUILTY ABOUT CHEATING WITH HIM, BUT I MARRIED AT 15 {NO EXCUSE, REALLY!}. THEN
WE
MOVED IN TOGETHER AND HE ALWAYS WAS CRUEL TO HER, IRREGARDLESS THAT HE HAD
DONE HER WRONG. HE'D ACTUALLY LAUGH ABOUT IT! AFTER 2-3 MONTHS OF OUR
RELATIONSHIP HE HAD BEGUN TO MAKE ME CRY, BUT I HAD NO JOB, NO HUSBAND TO
RETURN TO
AND THE SEX WAS "EARTH SHAKINGLY GREAT"! I CONTINUED ON. LATER HE BEGAN TO BE
PHYSICAL, PUSHING, POKING ME IN THE FACE & CHEST, LITTLE THINGS THAT SLOWLY
BEGAN TO DESTROY MY SPIRIT. I SAW HIM AS A "WOUNDED SOUL" THAT IF I LOVED LONG
ENOUGH, STRONG ENOUGH, DESPITE HIS COLD CRUEL WAYS HE WOULD HAVE TO SEE I
WAS WORTH LOVING & KEEPING. THE HONEST POINT OF IT IS THAT I WONDER NOW WAS THE
FACT OF HIS BEING LOVED SO WORTH THE DEATH OF MY HEART? TODAY HE HAS CHEATED
ON ME {5MOS. INTO THE MARRIAGE & I SAW HIM} AND BEEN SO NASTY THAT I
ACTUALLY WISH HE'D GO AWAY FOREVER, I WISH HE WERE STILL WITH HIS EX-WIFE, THEN
SHE'D BE THE ONE HURTING! I'M PREGNANT NOW AND HE IS SO HATEFUL TO ME ALL I DO
IS
CRY, HE WANTED THIS BABY FOR YEARS BEFORE I AGREED TO IT. HE ALWAYS SAID MY
DAUGHTER LIVED HERE BUT HE HAD NO PART OF HIS SELF HERE AND ONCE AGAIN I
BELIEVED HE'D CHANGE IF I GAVE HIM WHAT HE SAID HE WANTED!
AFTER HIS CHEATING, I HOOKED MAKING GREAT MONEY, ONLY TO STILL CONTINUE THE
MARRIAGE WITH HIS PROMISES OF LOVE FOR ME! I KEPT WORKING BECAUSE IT GAVE ME
THE SENSE OF SOME TYPE OF "CONTROL", HE LOVES MONEY AND IF I MADE IT MAYBE
HE'D LOVE ME AND BE SOOOO GOOD TO ME! EVEN IF IT WAS ONLY THE FINANCIAL
BENEFITS, I DIDN'T CARE {WELL I DID}. BUT THE MORE I BOUGHT AND GAVE HIM, THE
WORSE
HE BEGAN TO TREAT ME. NOW I CAN'T WORK OF COURSE UNTIL THE BABY IS BORN. HE
IS SO HATEFUL THAT IT'S KILLING ME AND I CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT FOR A FEW
LONG MONTHS REALLY! I SLEEP ON OUR COUCH AND NOW BELIEVE HE IS SEEING SOME
ONE ELSE AND I MAY BE EMOTIONAL DUE TO THE PREGNANCY SOMETIMES, BUT I AM NOT
UNSTABLE NOR CRAZY, I HAVE NOT BEEN PREGNANT BUT SEVERAL MONTHS OF THE 5
YEARS!!! PART OF THIS IS MY FAULT FOR TOLERATING IT AND ALLOWING MY SELF TO
BECOME
PREGNANT WITH THIS INNOCENT CHILD WHOM I'M DESPERATELY IN LOVE WITH ALREADY!
BUT HE TOO HAS NEGLECTED AND SOMEWHAT ABUSED HIS OLDEST KIDS AND NOW I SEE
THIS WILL BE NO DIFFERENT TO HIM THAN ME OR THE OTHER CHILDREN! HE MADE THE
COMMENT JUST YESTERDAY THAT I COULD GIVE THIS BABY MY MAIDEN NAME FOR MUCH AS
HE
CARES! I SLAPPED HIM BEFORE I REALIZED WHAT I HAD DONE, WELL HE SLAPPED ME
BACK AND PERHAPS I GOT WHAT I DESERVED FOR HITTING HIM BUT HIS WORD CUT
THROUGH THE FLESH DIRECTLY TO THE BONE...PLEASE E-MAIL ME, HE WILL NOT RETRIEVE
THIS AND IF HE DOES, SO... IT DOESN'T MATTER ANY MORE, HE STAYS ANGRY ANY HOW!
I'M EMBARRASSED TO HAVE GIVEN SO MUCH OF MYSELF AND TO HAVE COMPROMISED WHO I
WAS TO PLEASE THE UN-PLEASURABLE, THE CRUEL AND NASTY. AM I JUST A FOOL? HE
SAYS I'M SICK AND NEED HELP, I THINK HE DOES, BUT I WONDER IF MY SANITY IS AT
RISK OR DO I HAVE NONE HE IS ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT. I WANT OUT, I WANT TO
LEAVE BEFORE I HAVE THIS BABY, HE DOESN'T DESERVE TO GET TO PARTICIPATE IN THE
JOY OF THIS, NOT AFTER ALL THE TEARS HE'S MADE ME CRY KNOWING I NEEDED HIS
LOVE NOW MORE THAN EVER. LAST NOTE HE NEVER EVER APOLOGIZES OR HUGS WHEN I CRY,
HE GETS ANGRY OR JUST GOES TO BED AND IS ALSO CAPABLE OF IGNORING MY EVERY
EFFORT, CRY, TALK, BEG, SCREAM OR CUSS LOUDLY. I GO UNHEARD AND I NEED A
FRIEND OR SOME ADVICE, I NEED TO KNOW AM I THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM, AM I
ASKING
TOO MUCH OF HIM??

WAITING ANXIOUSLY!!
DESPERATE DEIDRE


Dear Deidre,

I would like you to try an exercise. Read your email as though you are
reading about someone you do not know. What advice would you give this person?

Dr. Irene


DEAR DR. IRENE,

GEE I WOULD ABOUT CRY IF I DIDN'T KNOW THAT PERSONS LETTER I JUST READ WAS
MY OWN. { WELL ACTUALLY I DID CRY, AGAIN} BUT I'D TELL HER TO TAKE HER HEART
AWAY FROM SOME ONE WHO DOESN'T DESERVE SUCH A GIVING PERSON TO LOVE HIM! I'D
TELL HER IF SHE HAS SURVIVED THIS MANS SHIT THAT SHE CAN HAVE THAT BABY ALONE
& TAKE CARE OF HER KIDS BETTER WITH OUT HIM IN THEIR LIVES. I'D TELL HER TO
FORGET THE "FANTASY" OF HIM CHANGING, HE'S A SELF MADE S.O.B. AND WILL CONTINUE
TO ABUSE EVERYBODY WHO STEPS IN HIS PATH, EITHER TO LOVE HIM OR
OTHERWISE AND THAT THE CHILD WILL PAY A BIGGER PRICE IF SHE CONTINUES ON
WITH THAT RELATIONSHIP/HELL!!! I WOULD TELL HER TO PUT HER FEAR ASIDE & GET
SOME
BALLS AND DO WHAT HAS TO BE DONE FOR THE BETTERMENT OF HERSELF AND HER
BABIES. I'D LET HER KNOW THAT YES, YES, YES HOLDING ON IS A GREAT ADMIRABLE
STRENGTH BUT IT CAN BE A DANGEROUS WEAKNESS AS WELL! DANGEROUS EMOTIONALLY &
PERHAPS PHYSICALLY TOO... I'D TELL HER FORGET HIS ASS & LOVE HER & HER KIDS AND
STOP THE TEARS AND LEARN TO SMILE AGAIN. I'D HUG HER AND WISH HER A BEAUTIFUL
LOVE INTO HER LIFE SOMEDAY THAT WOULD HELP HER HEAL HER HEART, SOUL, AND
SPIRIT. WHAT ADVICE FROM A WOMAN WHO SITS SCARED OF MAKING ANOTHER BAD CHOICE!
WHAT
I MEAN IS IT'S SOOO EASY TO SAY BUT ACTUALLY HAVING TO MAKE YOURSELF GET
MOTIVATED TO DO IT, TO MAKE THE CHANGE IS TERRIFYING!!!!
DEIDRE



Dear Deidre,

Yes. And you are the only one in the world who has the power to change your
life.

My warmest regards,

Dr. Irene


DEAREST DR. IRENE,
I FEEL POWERLESS AT THIS POINT, NO JOB, NO MONEY, NO WHERE TO GO, AND AN 8
OLD & A BABY THAT WILL BE HERE SOON, HOW CAN I HAVE THE POWER TO DO ANYTHING?
I AM SICK OF CRYING, WONDERING WHERE MY LIFE IS GOING, AND AFRAID TO BE
ALONE. I WISH THAT YOU COULD HAVE SAID MORE THAN JUST THAT I HAVE THE POWER TO
CHANGE, I NEED TO KNOW WHERE MY STARTING POINT IS? DO I GIVE HIM THE
OPPORTUNITY
TO BE BETTER AFTER THE BABY COMES, DO I HOLD ON AND STAY HERE UNTIL I CAN
RETURN TO WORK? MY FRIENDS SAY WHAT'S A FEW MONTHS, HELL I'VE SURVIVED 5 YEARS
ALREADY!!! SO WHAT DO I DO? I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE THIS BABY ALONE, I THINK
SOME TIMES IT'D BE BETTER JUST FOR THOSE FEW DAYS THAT THE BABY COMES TO LET
HIM BE THERE, HE WILL BE HAPPY FOR A SHORT WHILE & TREAT ME GOOD, TILL THE NEW
WEARS OFF.
DEIDRE


Deidre,

My final words to you are: If you spent as much energy working on the
solution as you do complaining about the problem, you would be far better off.
Not
cruel, just honest.

Dr. Irene

Golden Rule of Thumb: Spend 5% of the time moaning and groaning over how
awful/unfair/whatever your problem is and the other 95% figuring out how you
are going to deal with it.

Addendum

I anticipate that my handling of Deidre may be perceived as harsh. Perhaps.
Is it harsher to sympathize with a situation that is presented as untenable
(and thus support the helplessness), or is it harsher to appeal to an
individual's strength, even if they are angered in the process? This young
woman, who
has so many real problems also has many real strengths - though it is clear
she doesn't appreciate them yet. The secret this lady needs to discover: All
the answers are inside.



“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves: who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people wont feel insecure around you.

We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
Its not just in some of us, it is in everyone." - Marianne Williamson


Fallen Officer Kenneth Collings
_http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html_
(http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html)






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