Why Be Codependent?
by Dr. Irene Matiatos

Irene Matiatos, PhD is a Licensed Psychologist in full time private practice
in NY & NJ. She is the author of Dr. Irene’s Verbal Abuse (Site)! A
cognitive-behaviorist, Dr. Irene works anger and abuse issues with perpetrators
and/or their victims. She also specializes in addiction, eating disorders, post
traumatic stress as well as panic, anxiety, depression and general psychological
disorders. Having earned her doctorate in psychology from Long Island
University in 1990, in the past she was Director of Quality Assurance and
Treatment
Team Leader at Blaisdell Alcoholism Center in Orangeburg, New York and was a
Senior Psychologist at Rockland Psychiatric Center, also in Orangeburg NY.


Why would anybody spend time and energy to control outcomes, while actively
neglecting the inner self? How can they do this and not realize they are
selling themselves short? The Why: they know no other way; the How: they
received
very good training early in life.

Any dysfunction in the family predisposes a child to codependent behavior.
Children are biologically programmed to seek love and approval. They have to
be cared for or they will die. When a parent or family member is
dysfunctional, the child tends to focus on this person--rather than on enjoying
a carefree
and joyful kid existence. The child has to worry: if the caretaker does not
care take, the child dies.

For example, in an alcoholic home, little Sally has to worry about whether
she can bring friends home - because daddy may be in a bad mood and embarrass
her. Such events are training her in codependent thinking, the art of
anticipating the other person. If mom is physically ill, Teddy has to worry
about
exerting her. Who would care for him if anything happened to her? If daddy is
angry and controlling, Timmy needs to worry about pleasing him to avoid
punishment and humiliation - and to get his conditional love and approval.

Children are naturally egocentric. That means that they see the world
revolving around them. If mom and dad fight, children feel that it is somehow
their
fault. Julie may try to make her parents happy by getting straight As in
school in an attempt to keep the parental marriage together. Another child may
have an abusive, or simply overactive older sibling. Since the parents cannot
be there at all times to police the situation, the younger sibling may learn
to anticipate the sib's moods and to behave in ways that might increase the
probability of "safety." Or, perhaps daddy is depressed. Jennifer may tiptoe
around him wondering if he is unhappy because she is not good enough. And so
on. In sum, codependent thinking tends to develop any time a child is growing
up in a home where life is not care free. Often, addiction can be traced in
the family tree of these dysfunctional families, whether there is an active
addict in residence, or not. Nevertheless, these kids have an adult they have
to worry about!

The codependent-in-training is taught to walk on eggshells. To ensure
survival, the child learns to be extraordinarily sensitive in reading the moods
and
thoughts of others. The child learns very early to pay attention to and
tiptoe around the dysfunctional family members - at the child's expense. These
interactions take place silently, implicitly. The child learns to ignore the
self's inner needs, instead pretending that all is OK.

When I tell my clients that codependent adults were once children who had an
adult to worry about, some sharply disagree. They tell me about the loving
families they came from and insist that their family members were "wonderful,"
etc. As denial melts and self-awareness develops, they begin to recognize the
failings in a caregiver that spawned their selflessness. Sometimes, both
parents were codependent, modeling no other behaviors for the child to learn.



“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves: who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people wont feel insecure around you.

We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
Its not just in some of us, it is in everyone." - Marianne Williamson


Fallen Officer Kenneth Collings
_http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html_
(http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html)






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