Just Exactly What is Codependence?
by Dr. Irene Matiatos

Irene Matiatos, PhD is a Licensed Psychologist in full time private practice
in NY & NJ. She is the author of Dr. Irene’s Verbal Abuse (Site)! A
cognitive-behaviorist, Dr. Irene works anger and abuse issues with perpetrators
and/or their victims. She also specializes in addiction, eating disorders, post
traumatic stress as well as panic, anxiety, depression and general psychological
disorders. Having earned her doctorate in psychology from Long Island
University in 1990, in the past she was Director of Quality Assurance and
Treatment
Team Leader at Blaisdell Alcoholism Center in Orangeburg, New York and was a
Senior Psychologist at Rockland Psychiatric Center, also in Orangeburg NY.


Some of the nicest people I know are codependent. They always smile, never
refuse to do a favor. They are happy and bubbly all the time. They understand
others and have the ability to make people feel good. People like them!
So, what is wrong with this? Nothing, really, unless the giving is one-sided
and so excessive that it hurts the giver. Then, the giver is showing the
signs of codependence.

Partners who go out of their way for each other are interdependent. Only
relatively healthy people are capable of interdependent relationships, which
involve give and take. It is not unhealthy to unilaterally give during a time
when your partner is having difficulty. You know your partner will reciprocate
should the tables turn. Interdependency also implies that you do not have to
give until it hurts. By comparison, in a codependent relationship, one partner
does almost all the giving, while the other does almost all the taking,
almost all of the time.

By giving, codependent people avoid the discomfort of entitlement. Giving
allows them to feel useful and justifies their existence. Rather than simply
approving of themselves, codependent people meet their need for self-esteem, by
winning their partner’s approval. Also, because they lack self-esteem,
codependent people have great difficulty accepting from others. One must feel
deserving and entitled in order to accept what is offered.

Codependent behavior is not easy. It requires a lot of work. It hurts. These
individuals typically suffer with low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and
especially guilt, as well as other painful thoughts and feelings. They judge
themselves using far stricter criteria than they use to measure the
performance of others. While they are brutally critical of their own
misbehavior, they
are very good at justifying and excusing the misbehavior of others.

Codependent people misplace their anger. They get angry when they shouldn't,
and don't get angry when they should. They have little contact with their
inner world and thus very little idea about how they feel. Usually, they don't
want to know because it gives rise to painful emotions. It is easier to stay
on the surface and pretend things are peachy keen, rather than deal with the
stuff going on inside.

If they were to look inside, they would find their emotional starvation.
They are busy taking care of others. Yet, they do not meet their own needs!

They may put up with abusive relationships or relationships that are not
fulfilling because any warm body beats (gasp) no warm body. Being alone is
perceived as scary, empty, depressing, etc. After all, who will deliver their
emotional supplies? Who will distract them so there is no time to deal with
their
inner life? Even an abusive relationship is better than no relationship.

These loving, giving people find interesting ways of explaining their
behavior to themselves. Loyal to a fault, a codependent individual is likely to
rationalize a loved one's disrespectful behavior by making excuses for them. "He
doesn't mean it." "It was not done with malice." "It is the best he can do."
"She had such an awful childhood." Etc., etc., etc.

The central concept is that the codependent individual "takes it" and
"understands," despite feeling hurt. Waiting for brownie points in heaven, or
for a
loved one to be magically healed through their persistent love and care
taking, they accept disrespect from others. It does not occur to the codependent
person that it is not OK to "take it" and "put up" no matter what!

Much of this abuse acceptance occurs without the codependent individual
feeling abused! More accurately, these individuals do not feel OK enough to
expect respectful treatment at all times, and to notice when it is not
forthcoming. Having grown up in a home where a parent or sibling demanded
inordinate
attention (due to addiction, illness, anger, or other problem), the codependent
person is trained to care for others. Having grown up in a difficult
environment, a negative emotional climate is experienced as normal and familiar.
This
is why there is often little recognition of disrespect. If their partner is
angry or upset, the codependent individual will implicitly assume that they
did something to cause the anger. It does not occur to them that it is their
partner's responsibility to deal with their problem and to treat others
respectfully. It does not occur to them that it is their responsibility to
themselves to stop another person's demeaning behavior toward them. But, how can
stop
disrespect when misbehavior is not perceived as disrespectful or abusive?
Disrespect is normal.

An unfortunate side effect of the codependent person's willingness to
ignore, excuse, or otherwise allow the partner's abuse or disrespect, enables
the
misbehavior directed at them to continue and intensify. Implicit or explicit
permission to continue misbehaving is granted since the codependent partner
"understands."

Because codependent individuals are approval-driven, they cannot stand it
when others are angry at or disappointed with them. As such, they unwittingly
place themselves in a position to be taken advantage of. The more approval is
needed, the less likely is the individual to realize the extent of their
self-sacrifice in favor of tending to the needs of the other. This hurts
("Ouchhh!"), and creates or maintains depression and low self-esteem, in a
vicious,
downward spiral.

While abuse, disrespect, or unrequited sacrifice angers them, as it should,
codependent people do not realize how angry they are and at whom they are
angry! Targeting the appropriate person may jeopardize a source of approval and
self-esteem. To avoid facing reality, they distort it. Codependent individuals
are likely to somehow blame themselves and rationalize their
"over-sensitivity." They justify the other person's behavior by thinking they
must deserve
the treatment they are getting. This is preferable to facing the possibility
that an individual who provides a measure of their self-esteem is hurting them.

"Anger...is a signal that something is wrong and needs attention".

Anger is healthy. It is a signal that something is wrong and needs
attention. However, if the source of anger is not articulated, how can it be
fixed?
Codependent people are expert at denying anger and turning it against the self
- into sadness and depression. Instead of asking themselves why are they are
putting up with… (fill in the blank), they ask themselves how they could have
behaved differently - to obtain a more favorable reaction from their partner!

Unarticulated anger is often misdirected and expressed inappropriately.
Anger may be experienced as resentment, expressed as an aggressive blow-up, or
in passive-aggressive acting out. The cognitive and verbal skills to
appropriately assert oneself are lacking.

Since codependent people are experts at controlling other people's thoughts,
feelings, and behavior, they feel hurt that others don't reciprocate and
"know" what they need. "If they really loved me, they would know." Not so!
Since
codependents do not have the self-esteem to ask for what they secretly want,
they are unlikely to get it. If they do make a request, it is often a
roundabout hint. If their partner cannot decipher the request, they feel hurt
and
unloved. They believe they conveyed their desires, when, in fact, they have
not!

Because most codependent individuals are control-oriented, they are very
responsible. They are great employees. Tasks are done thoroughly and on time.
Even parts of the job that are not theirs get picked up if coworkers are
neglectful or slow. They try to control outcomes, whether those outcomes are
completed job tasks or reactions from other people. Anything for approval.

However, some codependent individuals are very irresponsible, in select or
diverse life areas. They don't know how to or don't feel the need to take care
of some of their own basic needs, especially if there is another person to
care for instead. Why spend the time trying to figure out what the self needs,
when the self doesn't really matter anyway? It is far more preferable to be
out avoiding one's own issues: out having fun, hunting for a partner, or
self-medicating feelings.

Codependent people are addiction prone. They may drink too much, shop too
much, eat too much, etc. Dulling the senses is a great way to avoid knowing
yourself and dealing with your feelings. Intimacy is avoided. Intimate behavior
requires familiarity and comfort with one's internal world. Since the
codependent person regards ordinary human needs as shameful, embarrassing,
dangerous, or otherwise uncomfortable, meeting basic needs are often dismissed.

Any relationship that ignores the self is superficial. Unfortunately,
superficial relationships are safe...but empty and unfulfilling.

Control is central to the "MO" of the codependent person. They control their
self-esteem by catering to others' needs. They control by their
over-responsible performance, picking up where others leave off. They control by
avoiding
intimacy or by clouding the mind. They control by advising others on what to
do. These individuals work very hard to control everything and everybody.
Yet, they neglect the one person they do have control over: themselves. Read an
example of taking control here.



“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves: who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people wont feel insecure around you.

We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
Its not just in some of us, it is in everyone." - Marianne Williamson


Fallen Officer Kenneth Collings
_http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html_
(http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html)






[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]