In "Maltese Falcon," Sam Spade says to Miss O'Shaunnessy, "You lied to us, but that's okay. We didn't believe you." Being cautious all the time is tiring, so I prefer to relax and have a set of warning signals to automatically turn on my suspicion when it's appropriate.

 

RELAX ABOUT WHETHER THEY'RE LYING OR DECEIVING YOU -- until you NOTICE ANY OF THESE WARNING SIGNS. When you notice one of these signs, look for other evidence!! BE WARY IF:

1. IT'S BAD STORY-TELLING.

 

a. They keep ADDING OR CHANGING DETAILS. (To test that, pretend to forget a detail & see if they give the same answer.)

 

b. THE CHARACTERS ARE UNBELIEVABLE. They seem more courageous or clever in the story than they seem in real life. The other people in their story act out-of-character, crazy, evil or unprofessional. The other people act in ways that are not standard operating procedure for their profession. Again, sometimes these stories may be true, but this is when to alert your senses to watch for additional evidence.

 

c. The EVENTS ARE IMPROBABLE. There are many coincidences, often including one that destroyed the evidence. Avoid helping them lie with rationalizations like "Truth is stranger than fiction" or "It's too absurd to be a lie."

 

2. THEY'RE ACTING LIKE CLOSE FRIENDS without earning it.

 

a. Insisting on a FIRST NAME BASIS.

 

b. They're OVERLY AFFECTIONATE OR SEXUAL IN PUBLIC.

 

c. LAUGHING too much or at the wrong time.

 

d. Asking lots of questions & not revealing anything important about themselves.

 

3. MAKING LOTS OF PROMISES. What do they actually give or do? Beware if their behavior doesn't match their words. Promises are just words until they do something. Be wary if they give things that are small & unimportant, like compliments or flirting jokes they may or may not mean.

 

a. Be wary if they're IMPLYING A PROMISE RATHER THAN MAKING ONE. "I have a surprise for you." "You know how I feel." "I was thinking about marriage." Compulsive manipulators tend to hint at rewards rather than actually make promises so you can't accuse them of lying.

 

b. Recognize which promises were NON-VERBAL or hinted at & thus difficult to fight. They may have used vague language you didn't notice because they were telling you what you wanted to hear. They do that because if they made specific promises & didn't keep them, people could get angry & fight back or leave. This way, they can say they never made any promises, accusing you of an overactive imagination. They might do that silently, letting you think about your lack of evidence. My friend Carol Kent Ireland added "These people actually want you to obsess on them. Deliberately leave you befuddled so they can occupy your thoughts."

 

c. Watch out for broken promises that have dramatic stories attached. They're sometimes true, but watch for other signs that what they're saying might not be true. Notice whether they keep appointments or promises most of the time and whether they leave messages when they're not able to.

 

4. YOU JUST FEEL UNEASY.

 

a. IT FEELS UNREAL. If they use the words "perfect," "always" or "never," they're probably being inaccurate.

 

b. IT SEEMS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE. Maybe it's true & you've lucked out, but keep your senses open for more information (evidence one way or the other).

 

c. Saying or implying WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR --- based on you've told them.

 

5. IF IT SEEMS TO MAKE NO SENSE, IT PROBABLY DOESN'T.

 

6. YOU MIGHT EAVESDROP A BIT TO CHECK YOUR INSTINCTS.

 

7. IF YOU'RE NOT SURE YET, ASK QUESTIONS.

 

a. You might ASK TO TALK TO SOMEONE IN THEIR STORY.

 

b. IF THEY REPHRASE YOUR QUESTION, the way they rephrase it may reveal the truth. Many people deceive by omission. If you ask, "Are you having sex with anyone else?" they may say, "I'm not having sex with anyone new." That may mean they're having sex with a past lover.

 

c. IF ASKING A QUESTION MAKES THEM PANIC, they're probably lying. Especially if they start acting defensive about "invasion of privacy."

 

d. You could entertain yourself by asking questions and watching them lie, adding more & more improbable details.

 

e. SOMETIMES DIRECT QUESTIONS GET YOU THE ANSWERS, BUT LOSE YOU FRIENDS.

 

8. You might GUESS THEIR MOTIVES.

 

a. They may be "playing" to entertain themselves.

 

b. They may feel DULL, UNATTRACTIVE OR USELESS.

 

c. When they're in their teens and twenties (and sometimes later), they're experimenting with the power of their sexuality & their ethics by trial and error.

 

d. They may be trying to impress you to get FAVORS & COOPERATION.

 

e. They may be KEEPING YOU A SECRET FROM ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP and/or vice versa.

 

f. When & if we meet beings on other planets, we will have to work especially hard on this.

 

g. FIND OUT WHO THEY HAVE TO PLEASE --- friends, boss, employees, investors & customers or clients. For example, schools have to please the school board, government agencies, teachers, students, parents of the students, alumni & financial donors like local businesses.

 

9. MAYBE IT'S NOT A LIE TO THEM.

 

a. Sometimes they just don't know. I know a guy who I think is gay, but he got married; I think it's his drive to have a family and that after he's done that, he'll recognize that. Either that or I'm wrong; fine.

 

b. Sometimes it's a matter of taste. I know someone who thinks he's a good cook. I think he's just an adequate cook (which mak humiliated the employee, yelling that he was offended by his request and implying he was unemployable. He later claimed he paid that employee so low because he thought he was living with his parents, but did not correct for that. (That employee is not the only one he mistreated. He also lied to the agency through which he hired the employee as a temp, to avoid paying the fee for getting a permanent employee. Later his son attempted suicide and his wife divorced him.)

 

* HERE'S WHAT TO DO IF SOMEONE'S LYING TO YOU OR DECEIVING YOU:

 

1. SOMETIMES YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING.

 

2. EITHER LEAVE OR STAY WITHOUT BELIEVING THEM or relying on them.

 

3. You might WARN FRIENDS, help them figure it out themselves rather than telling them. Otherwise they may fight you to defend their friend. One friend told me "I wouldn't 'warn' friends, but I might "reality check" with them." If by that she means lead them to the conclusion that the person is lying rather than saying they're liars, I agree.

 

4. If you want to TELL THE AUTHORITIES, GET PROOF.

 

a. Secretly record what they say on a tape recorder or in a diary or letters or memos.

 

b. CALL PEOPLE THEY REFER TO & ask if they know that person or the story & if they do, their opinion of him or her. (Warning: Investigating someone usually gets back to them. Even if you use a false name, they can probably guess who would want to investigate them.)

 

c. Call the union, government agency or other ORGANIZATION that deals with their profession & ask if they're a member.

 

 

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves: who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people wont feel insecure around you.

We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
Its not just in some of us, it is in everyone." - Marianne Williamson


Fallen Officer Kenneth Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html