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UPDATED SAFETY PLAN AND 50+ WAYS TO LEAVE AN ABUSER
Targets planning to leave their abuser typically have few resources, are frightened, and feel guilty. Here are some general tips for those planning to leave. These are from DR Irene, myself, and other sources. If anyone wants to add something, please let me know:
GET INFORMED
The most informative site on Verbal Abuse is DR Irene's:
The most informative site on Codependency is Robert Burney's:
GET READING
The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie
How to Break Your Addiction to a Person: When and Why Love Doesn't Work, and What to Do About It by Howard Halpern
Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin by Anne Katherine
*If you cannot afford to buy these books, you can find many of them for free at your local library. Remember, the more independent you learn to be from your abuser, the less power your abuser has over you.
GET THERAPY AND SUPPORT
Whenever possible enlist the help and support of family and friends, but don't expect them to "save" you for you. Only you can do this for yourself.
Call your local Domestic Violence Shelter and your State Department of Health for information on free counseling, support groups, and resources for reduced cost/free medication if need be (for depression, anxiety, and so on). Look for Domestic Violence Shelters and State Department of Health in your phone book, usually listed under the "Government" section.
*You can also often find this information by using a search engine (such as Yahoo at http://www.yahoo.com) and typing in the keywords: "department of health for the state of New York" or "domestic violence shelters in the state of Arizona" (minus the quotations and substituting your state for either).
Yahoo! Groups
Look for online codependency, verbal abuse, domestic violence, depression, and suicide informational and support groups by doing a search at http://groups.yahoo.com
End Verbal Abuse
Wings of Madness:
GET HELP FOR SUICIDAL IDEATION NOW!
National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-SUICIDE/1-800-784-2433
Feeling Suicidal: Read this first!
Suicide and Suicide Prevention:
GET DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE NUMBERS AND RESOURCES
The National Domestic Violence Hotline is: 1-800-799-SAFE.
The US Department of Agriculture website provides Domestic Violence information, including legal defense resources, and is located at:
The Feminist Majority Foundation offers a list of domestic violence and sexual assault resources:
*Sometimes this link doesn't work. If not, check their home page instead at http://www.feminist.org and then click the link on the right called "911 for Women").
GET PREPARED
Create a Safety Plan (see below).
Plan ahead financially. Do whatever you have to do to build up a nest egg. You deserve no less.
Have a place to live lined up. If you don't know anyone you can live with, contact your local welfare department for information and applications for free and low income housing, food stamps, financial aid, etc. for those with and without children (the welfare department can usually be found in your phone book under the "Government" section or in a search engine as outlined above).
Have a few shelters lined up. Know their numbers and addresses in the event you need to leave ASAP.
GET EDUCATED
Haven't worked in a long time and/or are disabled? Federal and state job training programs offer job/apprentice training, employment information, and work opportunities for displaced homemakers, those who are handicapped, minorities, et al. Contact your State Department of Human Resources or State Department of Labor for more information, which can usually be found in your phone book under the "Government" section.
*You can also often find this information by using a search engine (such as Yahoo at http://www.yahoo.com) and typing in the keywords: "department of human resources for the state of New York" or "department of labor for the state of Arizona" (minus the quotations and substituting your state for either).
If at all able, return to school before leaving (or immediately after leaving) to increase your education and learn important job skills. Your local colleges offer information and applications for free grants, loans, and other financial aid.
US Department of Education
DO'S
Do drop the guilt for once and for all, and forever! Guilt is irrational, keeps you bound to the abuser, serves no good purpose, and is self-destructive. It is your job to take care of yourself. Dumping guilt is your first lesson.
Do remember that your abuser uses your sympathy against you to manipulate and control you! Get mad about what's been done to YOU, don't feel sorry for the abuser.
Do keep in mind that your abuser thrives on intimidation! Many abusers will fold once you stand up to them. Assert yourself whenever possible with NON physically violent abusers. If the abuser is physically violent do whatever you can to get out when alone or when being attacked, instead of standing up to or fighting him/her back.
Do focus on rebuilding your self-esteem and becoming more assertive. Begin with baby steps by finding a new hobby, joining a club to meet new friends, reading daily positive affirmations, exercising a little bit each week, taking a self-assertiveness training class, reading a book on boundary setting skills, saying "no" to non-threatening persons, and so on; whatever you can think of saying/doing that won't overwhelm you but will enable you to feel better about yourself and more courageous each and every day.
Do break the "I can't" habit. Targets tell themselves, "I can't..." for so long that oftentimes they don't even realize what they CAN do! If you've put up with abuse for this long, your strong enough to do anything you set your mind to. Any time you find yourself focusing on what you think you can't do, replace it with something you can do. There is always something you can say or do to make things better for yourself. Anything from taking a walk, to making that phone call to get treatment for depression, to going to a Domestic Violence support group meeting, to reading a self-help book, to saying, "I am a lovable person who deserves respect!"
Do stop being an open book by feeling the need to explain everything and defend yourself. You don't owe your abuser explanations! (Do you get explanations?) You are an adult; start acting like one.
Do call the authorities for help if you fear for your safety. Likewise, it is illegal to block your exit! They can escort you out and put you in touch with shelters, if necessary. Call 911.
Do contact your attorney, state authorities, or free legal aid services to find out your legal rights, responsibilities, and options. Knowledge is power!
Do open your mouth. There's no need to protect your abuser's ugly secret. Tell the world what was done to you and why you left.
Do keep any incriminating letters, messages on your phone machine, save emails, etc.
Do document, document, document.
Do keep any incriminating letters, messages on your phone machine, save emails, etc.
Do advise your employer of the situation, and have your abuser turned away and phone calls blocked.
Do ask police and telephone personnel what your options are if being harassed on the phone. Telephone harassment is illegal.
Do ask police and telephone personnel what your options are if being harassed on the phone. Telephone harassment is illegal.
Do get an order of protection if you need one! If you've ever been hit, you need one. If you've been threatened, you need one. If your property has been damaged, you need one. Call your local police station if you're not sure.
Do get caller ID.
Do leave your possessions behind if you have to. Your possessions are less important than you are.
Do use a court mediator or neutral third party for giving and receiving messages if there has to be some communication with the abuser due to children.
Do get your backing in place (authorities, finances, emotional stuff, etc.) before you make your stand.
DONT'S
Do not warn your abuser that the moving truck will come by at 9 AM on Saturday morning! This is not a good idea. If you are serious about getting out, you are better off avoiding a confrontation. Leave without notice and when the abuser is out of the house.
Do not verbally abuse or physically attack your abuser! This is not a good idea either. It lowers you to the abuser's level, and can even result in serious physical injury or death.
Do not make hollow threats about leaving in the hopes of getting the abuser to change. Very quickly, the abuser will pick up on this "trick" and it will prove completely ineffective (not to mention make you look weak).
Do not leave a forwarding address. Get an unlisted phone number. Change your e-mail address.
Do not answer the phone, or just hang up, if the abuser calls you. If the phone rings again, hang up again. And again.
Do not talk to your abuser if you are frightened, don't want to, or if you feel you will weaken. Give yourself time to see things more clearly before you communicate - if you decide to ever communicate with him/her again at all.
Do not ever, ever hide physical abuse. If you have bruises, call the police to document your wounds. Likewise with your family doctor.
Do not ever forget: without treatment, abuse will get worse, not better...
*More valuable tips are included in the Personalized Safety Plan below
PERSONALIZED SAFETY PLAN
Below is a seven-step safety plan. Please take the time to print this and fill it out with a friend, family member, or a target in need. Then keep it in a safe, hidden, but easily remembered and accessible place by only YOU. Even if you feel you will never need this information...
Step 1. Safety during violence.
I can use the following options:
a. If I decide to leave, I will________________________________________________ (See Your Safety Plan).
b. I can keep a bag ready and put it______________________ so I can leave quickly.
c. I can tell________________________________about the violence and have them call the police when violence erupts.
d. I can teach my children to use the telephone to call the police and the fire department.
e. I will use this word code________________________________for my children, friends, or family to call for help.
f. If I have to leave my home, I will go_________________________________________ (be prepared even if you think you will never have to leave).
g. I can teach these strategies to my children.
h. When an argument erupts, I will move to a safer room such as___________________________________________________________.
i. I will use my instincts, intuition, and judgment I will protect myself and my children until we are out of danger.
Step 2. Safety when getting ready to leave.
I can use the following strategies:
a. I will leave money and an extra set of keys with___________________________________________.
b. I will keep important documents and keys at_______________________________________________________.
c. I will open a savings account by this date___________________________________ to increase my independence.
d. Other things I can do to increase my independence are:_______________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
e. The domestic violence hotline is _____________________.
f. The shelter's hotline is _________________________.
g. I will keep change for phone calls with me at ALL times. I know that if I use a telephone credit card, that the following month the telephone bill will tell the batterer who I called after I left. I will keep this information confidential by using a prepaid phone card, using a friend's telephone card, calling collect, or using change.
h. I will check with_________________________ and ______________________ to know who will let me stay with them or who will lend me money.
i. I can leave extra clothes with___________________________.
j. I will review my safety plan every ___________________(time frame) in order to plan the safest route. I will review the plan with
______________________________ (a friend, counselor or advocate).
k. I will rehearse the escape plan and practice it with my children.
Step 3. Safety At Home
I can use the following safety methods:
a. I can change the locks on my doors and windows as soon as possible.
b. I can replace wooden doors with steel doors.
c. I can install security systems- i.e., additional locks, window bars, poles to wedge against doors, electronic sensors, etc.
d. I can purchase rope ladders to be used for escape routes from the second floor.
e. I can install smoke detectors and buy fire extinguishers for each floor of my home.
f. I can install an outside lighting system that lights up when someone approaches my home.
g. I will teach my children how to use the phone to make collect calls to me and to ___________________________ (friend, family, minister) if my partner tried to take them.
h. I will tell the people who care for my children, who has permission to pick up my children. My partner is NOT allowed to. Inform the following people:
School_____________________________________
Day Care___________________________________
Babysitter_________________________________
Sunday School______________________________
Teacher____________________________________
And________________________________________
Others_____________________________________
i. I can tell my the following people that my partner no longer lives with me and that they should call the police if he is near my residence:
Neighbors___________________________________
Church Leaders______________________________
Friends_____________________________________
Others______________________________________
Step 4. Order of Protection
The following steps will help enforce the order of protection:
a. I will keep the protection order______________________(know the location/always keep it with you).
b. I will give my protection order to police departments in the areas that I visit my friends, family, where I live, and where I work.
c. If I visit other counties, I will register my protection order with those counties.
d. I can call the local domestic violence agency if I am not sure how to register my protection order with the police departments.
e. I will tell my employer, my church leader, my friends, my family and others that I have a protection order.
f. If my protection order gets destroyed, I know I can go to the County Courthouse and get another copy.
g. If my partner violates the protection order, I will call the police and report it. I will call my lawyer, my advocate, counselor, and/or tell the courts about the violation.
h. If the police do not help, I will call my advocate or my attorney AND I will file a complaint with the Chief of the Police Department.
i. I can file a private criminal complaint with the district judge in the jurisdiction that the violation took place or with the District Attorney. A domestic violence advocate will help me do this.
Step 5. Job and Public Safety
I can do the following:
a. I can tell my boss, security, and _______________ at work about this situation.
b. I can ask___________________________________ to help screen my phone calls.
c. When leaving work I can do the following: ___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
d. When I am driving home from work and problems arise, I can_________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________
e. If I use public transportation, I can_________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________
f. I will shop at different grocery stores and shopping malls at different hours than I did when I was with my partner.
g. I will use a different bank and bank at different hours than I did when I was with my partner.
h. I can also do the following:_______________________________________________________________
Step 6. Drug and Alcohol Use.
I can enhance my safety if I do the following:
a. If I am going to use, I am going to do it in a safe place with people who understand the risk of violence and who are committed to my safety.
b. I can also_____________________________________________________________
c. If my partner is using, I can____________________________________________________________________
d. I can also___________________________________________________________________
e. To protect my children, I can____________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________
Step 7. Emotional Health
I can do the following:
a. If I feel depressed and ready to return to a potentially violent situation/ partner, I
can______________________________________________________________________
I can call _________________________________________________________________________
b. When I have to talk to my partner in person or on the phone, I can______________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
c. I will use "I can..." statements and I will be assertive with people.
d. I can tell myself "__________________________________________________________________________" when I feel people are trying to control or abuse me.
e. I can call the following people and/ or places for support:___________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
f. Things I can do to make me feel stronger are:_____________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves: who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people wont feel insecure around you.
We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
Its not just in some of us, it is in everyone." - Marianne Williamson
Fallen Officer Kenneth Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html
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