PT 1: Emotional Abusers

WARNING: May have explicit language. Also, please note that any of this can
apply to female abusers, too. In fact, some of the information below is
gender biased. Since lesbians abuse lesbians at approximately the same ratio
that
heterosexual men abuse heterosexual women, this clearly counters the theory
that "MOST OFTEN...(without treatment) MEN from abusive families become
"ABUSERS", and WOMEN who grew up in abusive families become "Abuse VICTIMS".
Remember, abuse is about power and control, not sex. Anyone who grows up in an
abusive family and doesn't get counseling for said can become an abuser, a
target, or even both (an abusive target, or a victimized abuser, or an abuser
with
one partner and a target with another partner, and so on). Still, it's a good
description of emotional abuse/abusers overall:


Emotional abusers are very insidious - some of them are much harder to spot
than others, because they mingle their abuse in between acts of generosity,
and often employ emotionally manipulative tactics, and passive-aggressive
behavior. Not all emotional abusers overtly belittle and verbally harangue their
partners - some are much more perfidious and as such, their partners may not
realize that the source of their distress and an unease over the relationship
has been coming from abuse for quite some time. The longer a woman remains
under the grip of an emotional abuser, the more she will start to question
herself, her actions and her beliefs. It is the abuser's goal to make her
believe
that she deserves his cruelty and that only through her actions can she make
it stop. It is his intent to get her to feel that she is the cause of any
relationship problems, and that his (abusive) behavior is simply a response to
her, and therefore acceptable. It is true, that only through her actions can
she make it stop - she must have the courage to leave the relationship and
avoid further contact with the abuser.

Abusers, physical or emotional, are abusive because of their own self-hate
and internal issues - not because of anything their partner did. No amount of
work or attempting to please will stop an abuser from abusing. They have to be
willing to recognize and actually work on their own issues before they can
stop inflicting cruelty on the people who love them. In many cases, they don't
even love their partners, because they can't even love themselves, and don't
feel that they deserve love, even though they crave it. Abusers may
genuinely feel bad that they committed another act of abuse, not because they
have
any real compassion for the person they hurt, but because they get angry at
themselves for "screwing up" again. This drives them further into
self-loathing,
and further into a cycle of abusive behavior.

It is common for men who are "called" on their abusive behavior to blame the
woman, and claim SHE was the abuser. He may even point to his abusive
childhood as proof that he is just an innocent victim. The truth of the matter
is
that abusers generally DO have a history of abuse stemming from their
childhood, with emotionally abusive and/or physically abusive parents. However,
it is
important to note that though women can become abusers, MOST OFTEN (because
of the way we are socialized and the power setups in society), if there has
been no *successful* therapeutic intervention, MEN from abusive families
become "ABUSERS", and WOMEN who grew up in abusive families become "Abuse
VICTIMS".

Like the alcoholic, an abuser must admit his behavior to himself and others,
and seek help. Unfortunately, not all therapy works, and not all people who
go into therapy are ready or willing to do the personal work necessary to get
better and eliminate their destructive patterns. As such, abusers are not
safe people - even after they enter therapy. It can take years of therapy to
unravel and undo the damage and self-hate that has driven someone to abuse.
During that time, the abuser may actually get worse before his behavior
improves, if it changes at all. It is quite common for deeply disturbed people
who
enter therapy to initially use the therapy to project their problems on
everyone else and point out the character flaws of those around them, rather
than
face their own internal demons. Until they can be honest with themselves and
the therapist, the therapy will accomplish nothing. For a person who has spent
a lifetime of lying and hating themselves, honesty does not come easily.

More disturbingly, some abusers can and DO go into therapy as a ploy - to
make it LOOK like they are actually working on their own behavior, and accepting
responsibility for their actions, when, in fact, the real motive is to arm
themselves with distortions of the therapist's words and tools, in an effort
to heighten and increase the psychological warfare. The bottom line, is that
you can't trust an abuser, the same way you can't trust the married man who is
having an affair and keeps promising to leave his wife.

The more subtle forms of emotional abuse can be the hardest to escape from,
because the gaps between the loving, caring behavior and the emotional cruelty
can span several weeks or months. However, someone who is nice and caring,
and helpful for 2 or 3 months at a time, but then deliberately does or says
something very emotionally devastating and cruel to a partner is no better than
someone who does the same nice things but then PUNCHES his partner once
every few months. The pain, the insecurity, the uncertainty, and the heartache
are the same. The bruises and the welts are on the inside instead of the
outside, and they take far longer to heal. While someone may be emotionally
blind
sided by major episodes of emotional cruelty, and may even recognize it as
abuse, abused partners often "overlook" the subtle everyday criticisms, "chain
yanking", and emotional blackmail that are woven into the fabric of their
relationship, accepting (or denying) it as just part of a "relationship".
Unfortunately, it's part of a very UNHEALTHY relationship.

It can leave the woman wondering if the pain is worth the good times, and
even wondering if this is as good as it gets? What if there isn't anything
better? When he distorts the past and blames you for the relationship problems,
you may even feel like you are going crazy, and he will certainly do everything
he can to imply that you ARE. The truth is, there IS something better. You
don't have to put up with a relationship where you are treated poorly, with
disrespect, or emotional cruelty, no matter how infrequent those acts are. And
of course, when you do get upset, the abuser will infer that you are
overreacting, or "too sensitive", so it adds to the confusion and hurt that you
may
feel.


What are the signs and symptoms of Emotional Abuse?

A common misconception is that emotional abuse has to take the form of a
partner yelling over every little thing, belittling or constantly criticizing a
partner. Other forms of emotional abuse, can however, be just as damaging, and
far less overt. They can include being disrespectful, discourteous, rude,
condescending, patronizing, critical, judgmental, "joking" insults, lying,
repeatedly "forgetting" promises and agreements, betrayal of trust, "setting you
up", and "revising" history.

To outsiders, abusers often appear as decent, successful, sensitive, calm
and nondescript. To their families, they are often controlling, self-absorbed,
hypercritical, compulsive, childish and mean-spirited. Most of abusers are
actually BOTH. It is the disparity between the one they love and the one that
harms them that keeps the woman confused. He may intersperse episodes of abuse
with words of love, telling her that she is "the best thing that has ever
happened" to him, and that he wants to start treating her that way, confusing
her further. She keeps hoping that if she does enough, if she gives enough, he
will stop hurting her and the loving, caring side of him will prevail.
Unfortunately, this is a fallacy that often keeps the woman in the relationship
for far too long. Ask yourself: Do you have a drawer full of "apology" jewelry,
or a closet full of "apology" clothes?

One of the most difficult things about identifying and leaving someone who
is a psychological and emotional abuser, is that the REALLY successful abusers
are highly intelligent and hide their abuse incredibly well. They may have
shelves of filled with psychology books; many are well-read and very well
spoken. They know how to twist and manipulate language and people. They present
an exterior of calm, rational self-control, when in reality, they have no
internal control of their own pain and chaotic self-hate, so they try to control
others, and drive others to LOSE control. If an abuser can cause YOU to lose
control, it proves how healthy HE is, so he can say, explicitly, or implicitly
(it's amazing how sighs, and rolling of the eyes can accomplish as much as
words), "There you go again, losing it, crying and yelling. I'm not the one
who needs therapy, *you* are." Unfortunately, if an outsider sees the abuse at
all, all they see is an outburst from you, NOT the abuse that triggered it.
It may make you feel as if you have had all your lifelines withdrawn, as if
you are going crazy, because nobody believes you that this charming, "nice",
helpful, successful man could be so incredibly psychologically cruel and
deliberately hurtful.

Abusers play the push-me-pull-you game threatening to withdraw their
affections, dropping statements out of the blue intended to destabilize. This
has
the effect of making their partners insecure and uncertain, but that plays
right into the abuser's hand as he then can accuse the partner of being "too
needy". Ploys such as casually talking about how he's thinking of taking a job
in
another city are one such example of destabilizing talk. In this kind of
case, it doesn't start with any discussion of your relationship, or what might
happen to it - he talks only of the cool job opportunity, with no recognition
of the impact it might have on you, your relationship, or your family.

An emotional abuser may make fun of his partner, or make subtle or
not-so-subtle disparaging remarks about her while with other friends, and
encourage
the friends to make disparaging remarks. He will then be sure to tell her about
the jokes they made and act surprised when she doesn't find them "funny". He
may even tell her that she is overreacting and that it was "all in fun" and
that no harm was meant by the "joking".

Not all emotional abusers criticize their partners directly - sometimes it
can be as simple as constantly criticizing how someone keeps a kitchen, or
complaining about the mess in the house, or continuous grumbling about the
laundry, or complaining about the noise and mess the kids make. He will make her
think it is her job to keep him happy, and imply that household things are
contributing to his unhappiness and bad temper.

An emotional abuser will seem to encourage his partner to grow, to develop
new skills and expand her horizons, but then will do things to impede or
prevent that progress. He will mope and sigh about how little time she has for
him
now that she is working more or taking that course, or back in school. Or, he
will "encourage" her to advance herself, but refuse to provide any
additional assistance around the house/family to ease her workload, effectively
making
it impossible for her to take that course or job. If he DOES provide
assistance, he will let her know how HARD it is for him, and how MUCH he is
doing
for her, every step of the way... he will play the "sad puppy" to the hilt,
trying to get her to feel guilty for the burdens she has put on him.

An Emotional abuser will try to make his partner responsible for his
happiness. Either through direct comments, or indirect implications, the abuser
will
let his partner know that he is not happy, that it is somehow her fault, and
that she must fix it. The problem is, no matter what she does, it will never
be enough, and it won't ultimately make him happy.

The abuser may take this behavior to an extreme, insisting that he is the
best partner or relationship she will ever have, the only one who can truly love
her (despite all her faults!), and that if she doesn't live up to his
expectations, he will leave the relationship. Since abuse is really about
control,
the abuser knows he can have the upper hand in the relationship if he can
keep her uncertain and insecure.

Emotional abusers overcompensate for their self-hate with a warped kind of
narcissism. They genuinely believe that YOU SHOULD know how they feel, and know
what to do to make them happy. AND that you should be willing to do those
things without having to be asked or told. They believe that they DESERVE to be
treated better, to be put first, to be given preferential treatment. He will
expect you to read his mind. He lives by the "if you really loved me, you'd
KNOW how I feel" game, and of course will punish you for not being
telepathic. If confronted with the unreasonable nature of this behavior, the
abuser
will blame his partner for his lack of communication - it will always be her
fault that he couldn't tell her what he needed or wanted. He will project HIS
behavior on her, and insist that he couldn't talk to her about what was
bothering him because she was too intense, or critical, or angry, or
judgmental, or
needy. Don't buy it. Those are HIS issues. Not yours.

And speaking of narcissism, the emotional abuser will be envious and
resentful if YOU get more attention than HE does in a social setting. He will
likely
punish you for it by one of any number of techniques: ignoring you, sulking,
disappearing for hours, flirting heavily with someone else, or leaving the
party or function without notifying you.

Emotional abusers expect the rest of the household to live by their waking,
sleeping and eating schedules. If his schedule is interrupted or disturbed, or
if the partner chooses not to follow the same patterns, the abuser feels
justified in "punishing" the offender. This can include the full battery of
emotional abuse and passive-aggressive tactics - because in the abuser's mind,
the partner or household member "deserves" it for not caring enough about him
to live by his schedules and activity calendar.

Emotional abusers may use punishment tactics like leaving (without a word to
you), a party or function that you both went to. They will have socially
plausible, pathos-laden excuses for their unannounced departure, like they
couldn't find you, or they were tired and wanted to go home. However, the REAL
reason they left without a word, was to punish you; to wind you up, to get you
worried about them, and ultimately, to have you feel guilty for not paying
enough attention to them. When you confront an abuser on the concept of COURTESY
around these sorts of things, the abuser will either apologize weakly, (but
the damage has been done), or insist that your distress over his behavior is
overreacting.

Emotional abusers will remind you of your flaws under the guise of trying to
be "helpful" or sensitive. He may make comments like, "You seem unhappy with
your body" - even though you have made no comments about your body image or
otherwise, or "You are running late again - you never can get anywhere on
time", or "There doesn't seem to be much point in planning things with you."
All
are comments intended to unbalance and remind you of what he perceives to be
your weaknesses.

Emotional abusers will try to isolate you from family and friends. There are
several tactics that may be employed. If he can't manipulate your friends,
he will either find reasons to denigrate them or will be "uninterested" in
doing things with you AND your friends. He may find them "boring". You may find
yourself caught in a double-bind where he "encourages" you to go out with
*your* friends, refusing any invitation to participate, but then mopes that you
never spend enough time with HIM. Over time, you may find yourself isolated
from your friends by virtue of the demands on your time that he makes. You may
also find him VERY upset if he finds out that you have been talking to a
close friend or family member about him and/or your relationship with him -
especially if that person is likely to tell you he's behaving like an ass.

One emotional abuser went so far as to "set up" his wife so that she would
isolate herself. He did it by "reminding" her of her "shyness", and how
socially backward she was. He did this under the guise of "being sensitive" to
her
and the areas she "needed to work on". Then he would offer to "help" her by
suggesting she come along to a party or social function with him. Prior to the
function he would again "help" her by briefing her on people attending the
party, so that she could "have something to talk about" with them. As part of
his tactic, he told his wife distortions or half-truths so that she would make
social faux-pas at the function. If she ever questioned him, he would insist
that SHE must have heard him wrong, and it must have been HER nervousness
that made her forget or screw up. The man was a "pillar of the community", so
to his friends, she looked like a bumbling (and even insensitive) fool, and
they "couldn't figure out why a man like him was with a woman like HER."
Combined with his subtle denigration of her friends and family, she gradually
isolated herself by not attending social functions, and cutting off
relationships
with her support network.

Instead of "lying" to a partner, an emotional abuser may "forget"
significant promises he made to his partner - especially if forgetting that
promise
will hurt her. He may also "forget" things so that he can let her know that
things that are important to her are NOT important to him. This tactic can take
the form of making a special dinner for her, containing shrimp when he has
known for years that she is allergic to shellfish, so she can't eat it, or
buying a feather comforter for their bed, when he knows she is allergic to
feathers. He will claim that his lapse was due to "forgetting", when in fact, it
was
a passive-aggressive ploy to trick the partner into believing he was doing
"something nice", get her hopes up, and then bring her down with the fact that
she could not enjoy this "gift" of his after all... It is a
passive-aggressive slap-in-the-face.



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