From the book "Tears and Healing" by


© 2005 Richard, 21CP Author and Publisher

_http://tearsandhealing.com/_ (http://tearsandhealing.com/)

This Excerpt:

Memory Shapes Us - Part 1

[Usually what I have to say simply erupts onto the keys, but there are times
when I sit and my fingers move and what comes out seems to miss the mark -
at least at first. This is one of those times, and what's tripping me up is
this issue of the whole me – the different and competing forces and
dimension
within me as a person. I'm looking for a way to convey how crucial I think it
is to accept and understand yourself as a package of drives and controls
that are constantly competing with one another. The result – whatever balance
of
these forces predominates – determines what your day is like, what your
season is like, and what your life ends up being.

Of course I do want you to understand how all this works. But more
importantly, you must accept that all this is at work, and has to be
recognized. If
you plod ahead through life as if everything could be thought out or planned,
you most probably end up with a flat and lifeless existence – one that no
doubt pleases others but can’t possibly fulfill you. On the other extreme, if
you
allow your fears or desires to predominate, your life is likely to be filled
with strife, hurt, and disappointment. Actually, I see both extremes every
day in the group I run, and both extremes lead to a most unhappy existence.

In this essay, Memory Shapes Us, I focus on the impact abuse has on us, and
in the course of that I introduce the model I use for the human existence.
What is a model? It’s a simplified set of rules that describes how something
works. In engineering we use them all the time to predict how a particular
mixture of chemicals will react; how a manufacturing plant will operate; or
even
how a business supply chain will work. Here we use this model of human
existence to understand why we hurt; why our lives are so out of balance; and
what
we can do to make things better in the future. This model is not just good
for understanding abuse – it also is something we can use to guide our major
life decisions. For this reason I think it is critically important.

Before we slip into the essay itself, I’m going to digress just a little
more and talk about this model and guiding our lives in an overall way. In
engineering and chemistry we have some rules for how things work that come from
the sciences of heat transfer, chemical reactions, pressure and flow, etc. But
before we can design a particular factory, we have to fit those rules to the
specific chemicals that are involved. Fitting is just like fitting a suit –
we customize it so that it works for that particular factory. Then we can use
the model to predict how things will work – peer into the future, if you
will.

This model I offer for the human dynamic is the same way. What I’ll explain
here are the rules that govern all of us. But we can’t look into the future
or examine why things work as they do for us, until we fit that model so that
it is customized for just me. And the way we fit it is to get to know
ourselves.

In Tears and Healing, there are number of sections, each of which often
makes a lot of sense all by itself. But you can also look at those sections and
see how many of them are actually providing the specific understanding that
fits this model to each of us. For example, the section on Detaching and
Finding Yourself deals with connecting with your inner life energy – what I
call
our spirit. We all have this, but each of us is moved in a different by ours.
When we come to know this part of ourselves, we’ve customized or fit one of
the pieces of this model. In the chapter on Dealing with Love, I talk about
some other forces that further define our spirit. The chapter that this essay
comes from – Healing the Abuse – deals with the second component of the
model,
memory. And the chapters on Obligation and Moving On both deal with the
logical side of our existence, which is the third piece. So by considering the
topics in the various parts of Tears and Healing, you actually are customizing
and fitting this model. When that work is done, it becomes much clearer what
your future can and should hold for you. And that insight is priceless,
because it empowers us to strike the right course in life and, ultimately, can
lead to us becoming both fulfilled and happy.]

Healing Takes Work

Of all the tasks that we face in emerging from an abusive relationship,
healing the damage of abuse is the most difficult and the task that inevitably
takes the longest. Our finances can be rebuilt; our emotions will rebound; new
friends can be made; new partners found.
But those anguishing memories – those painful thoughts about ourselves –
these are difficult to escape.
It can be done. But it takes time. And it takes work, and a determination to
heal.

But let’s be honest. Safety is a prerequisite. There is no way we can undo
the damage from abuse that is still going on. We cannot hope to save ourselves
from damage that we at the same time are continuing to accept.

If you are still in an abusive situation, read on. I hope it will empower
you. Certainly you can do some good for yourself, whatever your circumstance.
But if your goal is to heal, to be happy, to fulfill your potential in life,
to become all you can become... then you will have to free yourself from the
abuse.

In the next few pages, I’ll explain how I envision our minds working. Then
I’
ll explain how verbal abuse sets our minds against us, and the pain that
results. Finally, I’ll tell you how I think we can work to heal that damage.
The
last page talks about how our spirit helps to guide us towards areas of our
lives that we haven’t properly nurtured, and the role that tears (oh, so many
tears) play in our healing.

Memory Shapes Us

The great thing about waxing philosophic about how the mind works is that no
one can ever prove that you’re wrong. Well, let’s admit up front that the
mind is a pretty complicated thing. I’m not trying to explain everything that
happens in our minds. Specifically, I’m going to talk about two extremes that
I have experienced: the aftermath of intense and prolonged verbal abuse on
the one hand, and the approaching and striving for the ideal self on the other
hand.

What I’ll say here is based on a model: a way of thinking about how our
experiences combine with our life energy and our thought processes to shape
what
we do and what we feel. Now, if I were a real hard-core techie, I would be
writing mathematical equations down. But I’ll spare you the mathematics.
I’m
only going to talk in general terms.

Three Part Model

The model that has helped me deal with my own abusive experiences has three
parts. As you read this, keep in mind that the purpose of a model is give us
a mechanism describing how something works so that we can predict how things
will work in a given situation. The test of a model is how well it helps us
to deal with situations we couldn’t otherwise understand.

Spirit: The first part, down in my chest, just below the sternum, is where I
feel my life energy. This is where I physically feel my life energy, and
where I physically feel my deepest and least cognitive feelings. When I’m
really
moved to do something, I feel it here. When something is really wrong, I
feel that here. I prefer for myself to refer to this energy as my spirit.

Thought: The second part of my model I feel in my head, mostly around my
temples and behind my eyes. This is where I sense the activity of my rational
thought. This is where, when I am struggling to comprehend something, I feel
the tension and the energy build. This is where the wheels turn. The second
part of my model is thought or cognition.

Memory: So far I described two components, but without any context. It is
the third component that provides this. It is this component that provides the
basis of knowledge and understanding for thoughts. And also provides the
impression of the world within which our spirit must live and function. This
third part is our memory. Our spirit is an energy and definition that we are
born
with. Our thinking is really a process that we can direct but not really
control. But our memory is something that we and others can freely, and
sometimes destructively, manipulate. Memory is not something I physically feel,
but
when I relate it to my spirit and my thoughts, I like to envision it as a
layer or barrier between my head, where my thoughts are, and my chest, where my
spirit resides.

Memory <--> Spirit

Now let me talk a little about how these interact. Bear with me here,
because until I explain how these interplay, I really can’t get to how this
affects
us. Let’s start by looking at how memory interacts with the spirit.

Spirit Drives our Lives: I believe that our spirit is the essential driving
force toward what we are supposed to be in this life. It is a phenomenally
energizing source, and it also contains within it a complete definition of what
is moral and good. If you are a Christian (for example), this energy and
vision of right and wrong is what you might interpret as God’s will expressed
in
answer to prayer. The energizing power that comes from our spirit could be
interpreted as God’s love for us. I believe that our spirits are unique, and
each of us is called to some unique role in this world by our spirit.

Our spirit’s job, then, is to direct our lives in a way consistent with our
unique calling. And I believe it can do this in one of two ways.

First Role: First of all, when we are in a reasonably healthy state of mind,
our spirits energize us with visions of greater things for ourselves, which
lead us toward our unique calling. As an example, as I worked myself up from
the depths of despair and abuse, I discovered that part of my calling in this
world is to speak to others about healing and growth (which is exactly what I
’m doing right now). Trust me when I tell you that this was never something
that my cognitive processes would have remotely suggested to me. When we are
safe, healthy, and relaxed, our spirit becomes free to empower us and guide
us toward the things that we should be doing and our lives.

Second Role: The second function that our spirit performs is to act as
guardian of our life calling. And this is where memory comes into play. Our
spirit
is not in direct connection with either our thoughts or our sensory
perceptions. It does not know what is around us in our world. Our spirit is
completely enveloped within our memory. Its only understanding of what is
happening in
our lives comes from what we remember.

When our memories are in harmony with the direction our spirit leads us, we
feel good. In this state, our spirit can erupt with a wonderful, energizing
flow of vision, motivation, and fulfilling emotions. But when our memories are
in conflict with the direction of our spirit, we become ill. We become
distressed. We become depressed and physically sick. Peck (p. 165) talks about
this, which I described in Depression and the Unconscious (p. 68), but he
doesn’
t talk about the role of memory, so his model is somewhat different. And I
believe that when our spirit becomes busy sounding the alarm in this way, it is
unable at the same time to energize us toward the positive things it seeks
for us in life.

Memory <--> Thought

Now let’s talk about how memory interacts with our thoughts.

[To be continued in part 2]



© 2005 Richard, 21CP Author and Publisher

_http://tearsandhealing.com/_ (http://tearsandhealing.com/)




MERRY CHRISTMAS!




He's making a list and checking it twice,
Gonna find out who's naughty and nice,
Santa Claus is coming to town!



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