You're Not Crazy

Excerpted from Tears and Healing which can be found at the link further
below:

[To start healing after being in a close relationship with a disordered
person for a long time, the first thing we have to do is to sort out what is our
reality, and what is their reality. As you learn more, you begin to see how
the disordered use the techniques of brainwashing to distort our reality to get
us to accept their sick, abusive one. But the first step is to realize that…
]

It is painful and confusing to live with a sick partner, whether the
disorder is borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder,
alcoholism, antisocial personality disorder, or whatever. It might be tempting
to
think that all the madness in your life is the result of your partner's
disorder. But in reality you are experiencing the interplay of you and your
partner's disorder. It is only by understanding how you and your partner
function,
how his or her personality disorder affects his or her behavior, and how you
interact, that you can begin to really judge what is happening.

For many in these situations, the first handhold we need to grasp is that we
are not crazy. Borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality
disorder, and antisocial personality disorder all lead to behavior that is
abusive. Alcoholics often suffer from these disorders even if it isn't
recognized.
People who suffer from these disorders have extreme emotions, which lead
them to actions that can range from puzzling to brutal. Personality disorders
are aptly named, because the minds of people who suffer from these disorders
work differently than healthy people.

Disordered people can't deal with the reality of their behaviors. On some
level they realize how hurtful they are, yet accepting this major flaw in
themselves is just too painful. So disordered abuser spin our reality to make
theirs less painful. One of the most common defense mechanism they use is
projection. In projection, a characteristic of themselves that they find just
too
painful to accept is projected onto us. And the most frequently projected
characteristic is mental illness. "I don't have a BPD. YOU Have BPD." Another
common and difficult defense mechanism is blame shifting. It's your fault this
happened because blah, blah blah blah...

After a while it becomes hard to distinguish what is real from what is being
projected and what is being distorted. We begin to doubt our reality and
question whether we're the crazy ones, or whether our disordered SO's are really
right about what they say.

The truth is, THEY'RE NOT RIGHT. But they feel better when they can get us
to carry the burden of their illness and their behavior.

What's more, disordered people hide their problems very effectively. People
with all of these personality disorders - borderline personality disorder,
narcissistic personality disorder, and antisocial personality disorder - have
serious maladjustments in coping with life. Thus, they live in emotional
turmoil. They seek to present a very together appearance, hiding their disease
from most people. It is only when we get into a close and private relationship
with someone with these personality disorders that the abusive behavior comes
out. And because their lives are wracked with emotional turmoil, there is a
lot of pent-up emotion that can be focused on us. Yet those around us don't see
it, causing us further confusion.

The different disorders have different underlying themes. People suffering
from borderline personality disorder respond to some events with extreme fear
of abandonment - events that would have little meaning to a healthy person.
Similarly, those suffering with narcissistic personality disorder respond with
extreme defensive actions to events which they feel threaten their image as
perfect - actions which reveal a flaw. Those with antisocial personality
disorder lack normal feelings of responsibility and compassion and thus have
little motivation to restrain their reactions. And alcoholics can show any of
these, while at the same time their natural inhibitions from hurtful behavior
are suppressed by the intoxication.

All of this leads a lot of confusion for those of us unlucky enough to be in
committed relationships with someone with a personality disorder. My own
experience was with someone who probably would have barely diagnosed at her
worst - and definitely not at her best - with borderline personality disorder.
What I have learned, as I have begun helping people with broader experiences, is
that much of what I learned about abuse and borderline personality disorder
also applies to narcissistic personality disorder and even antisocial
personality disorder.

Another thing I've observed over time is the link to alcoholism. AA and
Al-Anon have a culture that treats alcoholism as a disease alone and apart.
Thus,
people getting support through these channels tend to think that there is
nothing more to learn beyond alcoholism. At the same time, this approach leaves
some things unexplained. They talk about "dry drunks" and problems that
persist long after alcoholics get sober. Why is this so? If addictive use of
alcohol is the problem, why don't things improve when the alcohol abuse stops?

The reality is more likely that alcoholism and other addictions, like
pot/marijuana, prescriptions drugs, cocaine, etc, are the result of a
personality
disorder. In the case of my ex-wife, a mixed addiction to alcohol and
prescription psych meds was the result of self-medication to deal with the
emotional
pain of her disorder. Addiction is extremely toxic, and greatly worsens the
effects of a personality disorder. But if the substance abuse stops, the
underlying personality disorder is still there.

Thus, understanding how a partner borderline personality disorder,
narcissistic personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder, alcoholism,
and
substance abuse will interact with us is essential if we are to get a handle on
our situations and our own lives. And to begin with, we have to realize
that even though we are victims a prolonged distortion campaign and may feel
very confused about things,

WE ARE NOT CRAZY.

© 2005 Richard, 21CP Author and Publisher

_http://tearsandhealing.com/_ (http://tearsandhealing.com/)




HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

May your stuffing be tasty.
May your turkey plump.
May your potatoes and gravy
have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious
and your pies take the prize.
May your Thanksgiving dinner
stay off your thighs!
-Unknown


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse EVA) Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)


Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)


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