Controlling Patterns


Interpersonal Behavior

Tries to control others directly, bullying, dominating.

Competitive. Tries to win at all costs in a conflict or debate. Adversarial.

Doesn’t recognize the importance of other people’s needs, feelings,
perceptions, etc.

Thinks she knows the way things are.

Demanding, expects to get her way.


Motivation

1. Tries to control others in order to protect herself from being controlled
or harmed.

2. Tries to get love, acknowledgement, caring, or acceptance that she didn’t
get as a child without having to be vulnerable in the process or risking
rejection.

3. Control in service of pride. Gaining power can be a way of defending
against underlying feelings of deficiency.

4. Tries to control her environment as a way of controlling her inner life.
Fear of internal chaos and fragmentation.

5. Control as aspect of entitlement. Other people are extensions of self so
it is natural to control them.

6. Controlling the definition of reality in order to defend against self
doubt coming from deceptive parent.


Core Issues and Origins

1. Harm issues, especially domination.

2. Deficiency issues.

3. Chaotic family history, severe neglect or harm issues.

4. Internalized controlling parent .


Statement

I’m in charge. I know how to get things done. Let’s do it my way.


Underlying Thought

If I control others, then I won’t be harmed and I can get what I need.


Distortions of Perception

Denial.

Sees self as assertive.

Tends to see others as controlling or dangerous.

Tends to see situations as chaotic.

Sees people who are assertive as controlling or defiant.

Sees people who are compliant as healthy.


Dimensions Involved

Power.

Healthy Capacities Blocked.

Cooperation, vulnerability .


Activating Conditions

A situation that is threatening to the person, especially one that represents
the type of harm the pattern is designed to guard against.

Situations where the person is being judged or under someone else’s
authority.

People who tend to be angry, intrusive, controlling, judgmental, ridiculing.

People who might have hidden anger.

Situations that bring up needs (see needy pattern).

Chaotic situations.


Distinctions

An entitled person often is controlling, but this is often done in a more
subtle way because others are just seen as an extension of the person. Direct
controlling can be done when there are clear boundaries between people. The
entitled person just expects to get her way, while the controlling person may
expect to have to work at being in control.

The indirect pattern can attempt to control people, but not in the direct way
of the controlling pattern.

The defiant pattern is also an attempt to prevent harm, but it involves
rebellion rather than control.

Assertiveness is a healthy capacity that also involves exerting power, but
the assertive person doesn’t expect to get her way and is open to the needs of
others.


Related Patterns

Opposite: compliant.

Healthy goal: cooperative.

Some compliant people become controlling temporarily as they grow.


Dynamics with Other Patterns and Capacities

A controlling person will be attracted to people who are compliant or
passive-aggressive. After a while they will become resentful of the controlling
person, especially passive-aggressive people will. After a while, the
controlling
person may become unhappy that the compliant or passive-aggressive has no self.
The controlling person may want someone who is stronger even if they can’t
tolerate it.

A passive-aggressive person can drive a controlling person crazy and generate
great resentment.

A controlling person will have conflict with people who are defiant,
controlling, or passive-aggressive. They will get into power struggles.


How to Relate to Controlling People

Circumventing and Disconfirming: Be cooperative. Don’t be judgmental, angry,
controlling, defiant.

Protection: Be assertive.

Using Their Strength: Put in charge of project with compliant people.

Healing response to a controlling person being cooperative: Be cooperative.
Make sure they have a positive experience in letting go of their need to
control.


How to Experiment with Healthy Behavior and Attitude

Ask directly for your needs to be met without demand, allowing vulnerability
and the possibility of not getting what you want.

Share power with others, including authority figures.

Take the risk to allow others to have significant influence on what happens.

Trust another person to be in charge and help you.

Trust that if you let go of control, the situation will not become chaotic.


Healing

Choose people who will not threaten you when you soften your need for
control.

Choose people who don’t need you to be in charge.

Choose people who are competent, so things don’t get out of control if you
let down.

Choose people who will support your letting go of control.


VARIATIONS

Fear of Chaos

Afraid that if person doesn’t take charge there will be chaos in the
situation or inner chaos. Underlying core issue is fear of fragmentation. Can
come
from a chaotic home situation or a lack of being taken care of and supported.

Demanding.

Tries to control others so they will give him what he wants without his
having to become vulnerable or risk rejection. Underlying core issue is
insecurity,
shame.


Combinations of Controlling Pattern with Other Patterns

Needy: Tries to control others in order to get them to nurture her.
Demanding.

Codependent: Tries to care for others in a controlling way, often because of
a fear of chaos.

Entitled: Others are controlled because they are seen as an extension of the
person and to prevent being exploited.

Defiant: The person is rebellious and controlling, both to prevent harm or
control.

Suspicious: The person becomes controlling when afraid of being betrayed.

Isolated: The person becomes controlling when she begins to be close to
another person.

Charming: Uses charisma and charm to control.

Victim: Controls through guilt.

Judgmental: Controls by judging what others do as wrong when it isn’t what
the controlling person wants, moralistic.



The distance between insanity and genius is measured only by success.


AZDoc:
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse








[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]