Controlling Anger - Before It Controls You

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TOPICS:

What Is Anger?

Anger Management

Strategies To Keep Anger At Bay?

Do You Need Counseling?

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We all know what anger is, and we've all felt it: whether as a fleeting
annoyance or as full-fledged rage.

Anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. But when it
gets out of control and turns destructive, it can lead to problems—problems at
work, in your personal relationships, and in the overall quality of your life.
And it can make you feel as though you're at the mercy of an unpredictable and
powerful emotion. This brochure is meant to help you understand and control
anger.

What is Anger?

The Nature of Anger

Anger is "an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to
intense fury and rage," according to Charles Spielberger, PhD, a psychologist
who specializes in the study of anger. Like other emotions, it is accompanied
by physiological and biological changes; when you get angry, your heart rate
and blood pressure go up, as do the levels of your energy hormones,
adrenaline, and noradrenaline.

Anger can be caused by both external and internal events. You could be angry
at a specific person (Such as a coworker or supervisor) or event (a traffic
jam, a canceled flight), or your anger could be caused by worrying or brooding
about your personal problems. Memories of traumatic or enraging events can also
trigger angry feelings.

Expressing Anger

The instinctive, natural way to express anger is to respond aggressively.
Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often
aggressive, feelings and behaviors, which allow us to fight and to defend
ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is
necessary to
our survival.

On the other hand, we can't physically lash out at every person or object
that irritates or annoys us; laws, social norms, and common sense place limits
on
how far our anger can take us.

People use a variety of both conscious and unconscious processes to deal with
their angry feelings. The three main approaches are expressing, suppressing,
and calming. Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive—not aggressive—
manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how
to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting
others. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it means being
respectful of yourself and others.

Anger can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when
you hold in your anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something
positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into more
constructive behavior. The danger in this type of response is that if it isn't
allowed outward expression, your anger can turn inward—on yourself. Anger
turned
inward may cause hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression.

Unexpressed anger can create other problems. It can lead to pathological
expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behavior (getting back at
people
indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or
a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. People who are
constantly putting others down, criticizing everything, and making cynical
comments haven't learned how to constructively express their anger. Not
surprisingly,
they aren't likely to have many successful relationships.

Finally, you can calm down inside. This means not just controlling your
outward behavior, but also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to
lower your heart rate, calm yourself down, and let the feelings subside.

As Dr. Spielberger notes, "when none of these three techniques work, that's
when someone—or something—is going to get hurt."

Anger Management

The goal of anger management is to reduce both your emotional feelings and
the physiological arousal that anger causes. You can't get rid of, or avoid, the
things or the people that enrage you, nor can you change them, but you can
learn to control your reactions.

Are You Too Angry?

There are psychological tests that measure the intensity of angry feelings,
how prone to anger you are, and how well you handle it. But chances are good
that if you do have a problem with anger, you already know it. If you find
yourself acting in ways that seem out of control and frightening, you might need
help finding better ways to deal with this emotion.

Why Are Some People More Angry Than Others?

According to Jerry Deffenbacher, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in anger
management, some people really are more "hotheaded" than others are; they get
angry more easily and more intensely than the average person does. There are
also those who don't show their anger in loud spectacular ways but are
chronically irritable and grumpy. Easily angered people don't always curse and
throw
things; sometimes they withdraw socially, sulk, or get physically ill.

People who are easily angered generally have what some psychologists call a
low tolerance for frustration, meaning simply that they feel that they should
not have to be subjected to frustration, inconvenience, or annoyance. They
can't take things in stride, and they're particularly infuriated if the
situation
seems somehow unjust: for example, being corrected for a minor mistake.

What makes these people this way? A number of things. One cause may be
genetic or physiological: There is evidence that some children are born
irritable,
touchy, and easily angered, and that these signs are present from a very early
age. Another may be sociocultural. Anger is often regarded as negative; we're
taught that it's all right to express anxiety, depression, or other emotions
but not to express anger. As a result, we don't learn how to handle it or
channel it constructively.

Research has also found that family background plays a role. Typically,
people who are easily angered come from families that are disruptive, chaotic,
and
not skilled at emotional communications.

Is It Good To "Let it All Hang Out?"

Psychologists now say that this is a dangerous myth. Some people use this
theory as a license to hurt others. Research has found that "letting it rip"
with
anger actually escalates anger and aggression and does nothing to help you
(or the person you're angry with) resolve the situation.

It's best to find out what it is that triggers your anger, and then to
develop strategies to keep those triggers from tipping you over the edge.

Strategies To Keep Anger At Bay

Relaxation

Simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can
help calm down angry feelings. There are books and courses that can teach you
relaxation techniques, and once you learn the techniques, you can call upon them
in any situation. If you are involved in a relationship where both partners
are hot-tempered, it might be a good idea for both of you to learn these
techniques.

Some simple steps you can try:

Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest won't relax
you. Picture your breath coming up from your "gut."

Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as "relax," "take it easy." Repeat
it to yourself while breathing deeply.

Use imagery; visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your
imagination.

Nonstrenuous, slow yoga-like exercises can relax your muscles and make you
feel much calmer.
Practice these techniques daily. Learn to use them automatically when you're
in a tense situation.

Cognitive Restructuring

Simply put, this means changing the way you think. Angry people tend to
curse, swear, or speak in highly colorful terms that reflect their inner
thoughts.
When you're angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated and overly dramatic.
Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead
of telling yourself, "oh, it's awful, it's terrible, everything's ruined," tell
yourself, "it's frustrating, and it's understandable that I'm upset about it,
but it's not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it
anyhow."

Be careful of words like "never" or "always" when talking about yourself or
someone else. "This !&*%@ machine never works," or "you're always forgetting
things" are not just inaccurate, they also serve to make you feel that your
anger is justified and that there's no way to solve the problem. They also
alienate and humiliate people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on
a
solution.

Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it
won't make you feel better (and may actually make you feel worse).

Logic defeats anger, because anger, even when it's justified, can quickly
become irrational. So use cold hard logic on yourself. Remind yourself that the
world is "not out to get you," you're just experiencing some of the rough spots
of daily life. Do this each time you feel anger getting the best of you, and
it'll help you get a more balanced perspective. Angry people tend to demand
things: fairness, appreciation, agreement, willingness to do things their way.
Everyone wants these things, and we are all hurt and disappointed when we don't
get them, but angry people demand them, and when their demands aren't met,
their disappointment becomes anger. As part of their cognitive restructuring,
angry people need to become aware of their demanding nature and translate their
expectations into desires. In other words, saying, "I would like" something is
healthier than saying, "I demand" or "I must have" something. When you're
unable to get what you want, you will experience the normal reactions—
frustration, disappointment, hurt—but not anger. Some angry people use this
anger as a
way to avoid feeling hurt, but that doesn't mean the hurt goes away.

Problem Solving

Sometimes, our anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable
problems in our lives. Not all anger is misplaced, and often it's a healthy,
natural response to these difficulties. There is also a cultural belief that
every problem has a solution, and it adds to our frustration to find out that
this isn't always the case. The best attitude to bring to such a situation,
then, is not to focus on finding the solution, but rather on how you handle and
face the problem.

Make a plan, and check your progress along the way. Resolve to give it your
best, but also not to punish yourself if an answer doesn't come right away. If
you can approach it with your best intentions and efforts and make a serious
attempt to face it head-on, you will be less likely to lose patience and fall
into all-or-nothing thinking, even if the problem does not get solved right
away.

Better Communication

Angry people tend to jump to—and act on—conclusions, and some of those
conclusions can be very inaccurate. The first thing to do if you're in a heated
discussion is slow down and think through your responses. Don't say the first
thing that comes into your head, but slow down and think carefully about what
you
want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is
saying and take your time before answering.

Listen, too, to what is underlying the anger. For instance, you like a
certain amount of freedom and personal space, and your "significant other" wants
more connection and closeness. If he or she starts complaining about your
activities, don't retaliate by painting your partner as a jailer, a warden, or
an
albatross around your neck.

It's natural to get defensive when you're criticized, but don't fight back.
Instead, listen to what's underlying the words: the message that this person
might feel neglected and unloved. It may take a lot of patient questioning on
your part, and it may require some breathing space, but don't let your
anger—or
a partner's—let a discussion spin out of control. Keeping your cool can keep
the situation from becoming a disastrous one.

Using Humor

"Silly humor" can help defuse rage in a number of ways. For one thing, it can
help you get a more balanced perspective. When you get angry and call someone
a name or refer to them in some imaginative phrase, stop and picture what
that word would literally look like. If you're at work and you think of a
coworker as a "dirtbag" or a "single-cell life form," for example, picture a
large
bag full of dirt (or an amoeba) sitting at your colleague's desk, talking on the
phone, going to meetings. Do this whenever a name comes into your head about
another person. If you can, draw a picture of what the actual thing might look
like. This will take a lot of the edge off your fury; and humor can always be
relied on to help unknot a tense situation.

The underlying message of highly angry people, Dr. Deffenbacher says, is
"things oughta go my way!" Angry people tend to feel that they are morally
right,
that any blocking or changing of their plans is an unbearable indignity and
that they should NOT have to suffer this way. Maybe other people do, but not
them!

When you feel that urge, he suggests, picture yourself as a god or goddess, a
supreme ruler, who owns the streets and stores and office space, striding
alone and having your way in all situations while others defer to you. The more
detail you can get into your imaginary scenes, the more chances you have to
realize that maybe you are being unreasonable; you'll also realize how
unimportant the things you're angry about really are. There are two cautions in
using
humor. First, don't try to just "laugh off" your problems; rather, use humor to
help yourself face them more constructively. Second, don't give in to harsh,
sarcastic humor; that's just another form of unhealthy anger expression.

What these techniques have in common is a refusal to take yourself too
seriously. Anger is a serious emotion, but it's often accompanied by ideas that,
if
examined, can make you laugh.

Changing Your Environment

Sometimes it's our immediate surroundings that give us cause for irritation
and fury. Problems and responsibilities can weigh on you and make you feel
angry at the "trap" you seem to have fallen into and all the people and things
that form that trap.

Give yourself a break. Make sure you have some "personal time" scheduled for
times of the day that you know are particularly stressful. One example is the
working mother who has a standing rule that when she comes home from work, for
the first 15 minutes "nobody talks to Mom unless the house is on fire." After
this brief quiet time, she feels better prepared to handle demands from her
kids without blowing up at them.

Some Other Tips for Easing Up on Yourself

Timing: If you and your spouse tend to fight when you discuss things at night—
perhaps you're tired, or distracted, or maybe it's just habit—try changing
the times when you talk about important matters so these talks don't turn into
arguments.

Avoidance: If your child's chaotic room makes you furious every time you walk
by it, shut the door. Don't make yourself look at what infuriates you. Don't
say, "well, my child should clean up the room so I won't have to be angry!"
That's not the point. The point is to keep yourself calm.

Finding alternatives: If your daily commute through traffic leaves you in a
state of rage and frustration, give yourself a project—learn or map out a
different route, one that's less congested or more scenic. Or find another
alternative, such as a bus or commuter train.

Do You Need Counseling?

If you feel that your anger is really out of control, if it is having an
impact on your relationships and on important parts of your life, you might
consider counseling to learn how to handle it better. A psychologist or other
licensed mental health professional can work with you in developing a range of
techniques for changing your thinking and your behavior.

When you talk to a prospective therapist, tell her or him that you have
problems with anger that you want to work on, and ask about his or her approach
to
anger management. Make sure this isn't only a course of action designed to
"put you in touch with your feelings and express them"—that may be precisely
what
your problem is. With counseling, psychologists say, a highly angry person
can move closer to a middle range of anger in about 8 to 10 weeks, depending on
the circumstances and the techniques used.

What About Assertiveness Training?

It's true that angry people need to learn to become assertive (rather than
aggressive), but most books and courses on developing assertiveness are aimed at
people who don't feel enough anger. These people are more passive and
acquiescent than the average person; they tend to let others walk all over them.
That
isn't something that most angry people do. Still, these books can contain
some useful tactics to use in frustrating situations.

Remember, you can't eliminate anger—and it wouldn't be a good idea if you
could. In spite of all your efforts, things will happen that will cause you
anger; and sometimes it will be justifiable anger. Life will be filled with
frustration, pain, loss, and the unpredictable actions of others. You can't
change
that; but you can change the way you let such events affect you. Controlling
your angry responses can keep them from making you even more unhappy in the long
run.


The distance between insanity and genius is measured only by success.


AZDoc:
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse








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