The Controlling Caregiver

Dear Dr. Irene

I read with great interest on your website today your description of the
classic controller abuser vs. caregiver victim.  What I would like to know is
what
insights into the make up of this person or advice you can give to help a
situation involving a person who is a combination of controller/caregiver. 

  By this I mean a person who is the angry, verbally abusive, controller who
is also and obsessive, over reaching caregiver. This type of controller sets a
standard of care giving that the victim cannot match and then becomes angry
and abusive at the inevitable disappointment. The verbal abuse and the lack of
empathy for the victim, even though they may receive a lot of care giving,
reinforces the lack of appreciation the victim has for the caregiver/controller
since the victim does not want the care at the terrible price that must be paid
for it.  (DR Irene: Yes.)

This leads to even more disappointment and anger until the
caregiver/controller lashes out with even more verbal abuse creating a viscous
circle of
trouble.  The control is often exerted by making the victim feel guilty and
inevitably angry at themselves for all the intentions they cannot live up to.  

Of course the angry person also displays other traits of abuse like not
accepting that they make mistakes like everyone else, constant criticism, not
accepting anyone ideas but their own, etc., etc. but the controlling caregiver
is
one of the biggest.  Signed, Confused Victim    (DR Irene: Good observations!)


DR Irene: The Controlling Caregiver

Did you know that most controllers are also caretakers?

Most controllers are among the most giving, care taking people you'll ever
meet. After all, these people are just another variety of codependent. That's
why once upon a time you thought you met the perfect person. That's why just
about everybody (else) thinks your controlling partner is so wonderful... The
shirt off his or her back? No problem! Here, take it! (Never mind that that
shirt
belongs to -. you...)

Exquisitely tuned into what other people are thinking of him or her, this
controller has many traits of the classic codependent: they can be very empathic
and sense their partner's needs.

These individuals really try hard. They use their very best judgment to
figure out what is best for you. They will do things they are not asked to do;
things you may not even want them to do. They want to please you to show you how
much they care. 

The problem is, it's really hard to reciprocate. No matter how hard you try,
too often your efforts somehow miss the mark. And, you're likely to hear about
it!

Why The Partner Can't Get It Right

Sometimes your efforts fall short because your controller is expert at going
overboard. More often, your efforts fall short only because the recipient
didn't think your actions up.

Oppositional and controlling tendencies keep them from being able to accept
and appreciate whatever it is that is given. Not that there is anything wrong
with what was offered, but it was not planned and executed by your controller.

While the partner may be free enough to gratefully accept what is given, the
controller is often too constricted to do this. This person implicitly
pre-plans what they want, and how they want it. Any deviation from their
implicit
expectation is viewed as a disappointment.

Often, there is an implicit, irrational presumption that you failed because
you did not care enough - when they cared enough to get it right for you! 

Wrong! Especially early on, before the giver gets sick and tired of being
criticized in what they give, there is less of a difference in how much love and
attention went into the gift, than there is a difference in the recipient's
ability to accept the gift!

The controlling person is not trying to be difficult. When they're not angry,
they don't mean to diminish you. They simply have a difficult time with
surprises. There is an agenda for every minutia you can think of - including
what
is expected from the partner. The partner, on the other hand, with less of an
agenda, is able to appreciate the gift - not because it is "better," but
because there is less of a need to design it - and more of an ability to accept
the
unknown.

Another contributing factor: the controller thinks they know best. Their
judgment is infallible; they know what's best for themselves; they know what's
best for you. If your opinion differs, you are wrong.

Add to this the typical controller's insecurity, and, bingo; the controlling
person is likely to attribute the disparity (i.e., you are pleased with their
gifts; they are not pleased with your gifts) to mean that you don't love them
enough to work hard to please them, as they work to please you.

This is clearly an irrational interpretation of events, but, not checking out
the faulty basis of their premise, they experience a big Ouchhh! Once again,
their unlovability has been confirmed... And they are likely to get mad...

The Adult-Kid

Your basic controller is two-in-one, hence the Jekyll and Hyde components.
The higher self is the adult partner. This is the part of the individual that
wants to be a partner, who is reasonable and rational, etc., etc. The kid self
is the side that breaks your heart. This is the needy, demanding,
out-of-control and needy child who takes themselves out of partner role every
time some
present day "slight" kicks up some very real pain that occurred in childhood.

In a split second, they find themselves in a hurtful pity pot; their only
solace is licking their wounds. Maybe you'll notice how much you hurt them...
They really, really don't want to go there. But, they know no better. This place
is the only sanctuary they could run to when they were hurt in childhood. All
they know to do is push away the unloving parent who hurt them...

Tips for the Partner

You can't fix this. You can explain your good intentions all you want; your
partner is unlikely to get it. Your partner can fix this. Maybe you can send
them this URL. The controlling person you love needs to feel a little safer in
the world, so they can stop working so hard at controlling it. Hear that
controlling person?

The victim's job is to set clear, firm limits on what behavior is acceptable.
Whether or not your partner's goal is to hurt you, you get hurt. Therefore,
you need to set limits to protect yourself.

Victims need to be careful not to give up their power. Never forget that no
one else can give it away - but you!

http://drirene.com


The distance between insanity and genius is measured only by success.


AZDoc:
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse








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