Codependence: Taking Responsibility for Being Co-Creators

Excerpted from http://www.joy2meu.com/Recovery_process.html

We are co-creators in this life experience we are having.  That means that
there are some areas over which we have some power and control and some areas
that we do not.  The essence of the dysfunction of the condition of
codependence, which is the human condition in my definition, is that we were
taught to try
to control things over which we have no control - and were not taught how to
have healthy control over that which we can control.

"I spent most of my life doing the Serenity prayer backwards, that is, trying
to change the external things over which I had no control - other people and
life events mostly - and taking no responsibility (except shaming and blaming
myself) for my own internal process - over which I can have some degree of
control.  Having some control is not a bad thing; trying to control something or
somebody over which I have no control is what is dysfunctional.  It was very
important for me to start learning how to recognize the boundaries of where I
ended and other people began, and to start realizing that I can have some
control over my internal process in ways that are not shaming and judgmental -
that
I can stop being the victim of myself."

I cannot control other people.  I cannot control life events.  I do not have
the power to force a specific outcome in my life in a way that will work to
satisfy the need that I think it will satisfy.

It is possible to force an outcome.  Someone with enough money and/or power
(political, physical, corporate, emotional, etc.) can sometimes force other
people to do what they want.  

It is possible to bully, intimidate, rape, take over, force out of business,
steal, lay on guilt trips, etc., to get an outcome you desire.

It will not fill the hole in your soul however.  It will not slake the thirst
you are trying to quench in a way that is lasting.  It will not ultimately
meet the need which you fixated on that outcome to gratify. 

It will not bring peace, fulfillment, and True Love into your life.  Forcing
an outcome is ultimately dysfunctional.

Likewise, life events cannot be controlled.  You can work and slave to buy
the dream house - and have it wiped out in a matter of moments in a fire or
earthquake.  You can scrimp and save for retirement - and have your life savings
wiped out in a financial disaster, or die the day you retire.

There are no guarantees what tomorrow will bring.  Focusing all of our time
and energy on the future is dysfunctional - not only because it causes us to
miss out on today - but because it simply does not work to guarantee an outcome.


The out come (end result / destination) is what we are powerless over.  We
can take action towards an outcome, but then we need to let go of the results. 
We can plant the seeds of the garden we wish to grow but we cannot guarantee
that the results will be what we envision - or will satisfy our underlying
need.

Our job as co-creators is to imagine the garden, plant the seeds and nurture
them, and enjoy the process that we are involved in today.  We are ultimately
powerless over the outcome.  We do have the power to be present for the
journey no matter what the destination ends up being.

If we are always focused on the destination, we are not living today.  I
spent most of my life feeling like my life would begin when ____ - I got the
money, or the success, or the relationship, or whatever.  That is dysfunctional
and
codependent and sets me up to be a victim of life and other people.

In order not to be the victim it is necessary to own our power to make
choices.  It is necessary to exercise power in the areas that we have some power
and
control.

The things that I have the power to control to some extent are my own
attitudes and behaviors.  I have the power to choose what actions I take.

Attitudes and Behaviors

I will be talking in the other articles in this series about how to change
our attitudes and our relationship with our own internal process so that it is
possible to overcome the childhood programming and emotional wounds.  It is
very important to do this work in order to take the shame and fear out of the
process as much as possible.  One of the reasons we have not been able to grow
up
and take responsibility for being co-creators in our lives is because of our
fear of doing it wrong, making mistakes, not being good enough.  Those fears
caused us to swing between the extremes of putting all our time and energy into
being in control, or giving up all responsibility and any semblance of
control.

I can have some power over my own behavior.  I can make choices about where
to exert my willpower.  I can take actions that are aligned with Loving myself
instead of always taking action to repress the feelings and escape reality.

In order to get sober, I had to start taking the action of not picking up the
next drink.  I needed to take the action of going to meetings and calling my
sponsor.  I need to start reaching out for help from people who were in
recovery instead of fellow alcoholics, addicts, and codependents who would
enable my
disease and endorse my excuses.

I had to force myself to take actions that were aligned with recovery in
order to make any progress in my recovery.  Sometimes, the action I had to take
was to not take an action that I would normally have taken.  Sometimes, I had to
force myself to take actions that I had never taken before. 

Often the action I needed to take was an action that would get me out of my
head with all of it's obsessions and fantasies (nightmares) about the future -
or regrets and recriminations about the past.  My tendency has always been to
focus on big dramatic events in order to avoid the mundane, common details of
life.  I would much rather fantasize about the future (in all it's glory or
tragedy) than wash the dishes.  I would rather think about taking action than
take action.

I was very good at thinking about taking action.  At a point when I was a
couple years in recovery, I found some old journals from the days when I was
still drinking and using.  I was amazed to find that I had made the same to do
(tomorrow) lists then that I was making in recovery.  The only difference was
that "stop drinking" was not on the list anymore.  That was when I realized that
in recovery I was still trying to reach a destination.  I was still primarily
thinking about taking action.  I still had very little ability to be in the
now.

"Many of us have pursued healing and Recovery just like we did the rest of
our lives - as if it were a destination to be reached where we would find
"happily ever after."  We have gone to healers and psychics and therapists in
order
to learn the "right" way to do life."

***
"As I said, the goal of healing is not to become perfect, it is not to "get
healed."  Healing is a process, not a destination - we are not going to arrive
at a place in this lifetime where we are completely healed.

The goal here is to make life an easier and more enjoyable experience while
we are healing.  The goal is to LIVE.  To be able to feel happy, Joyous, and
free in the moment, the majority of the time."

Taking action happens in the now.  I may still think about the future while I
am washing dishes, but the dishes will get done and I will feel good about
that at some point later on.  Taking action in alignment with being responsible
f
or me and my life is a loving thing to do for myself.  Making the choice to
align myself with delayed gratification instead of instant gratification is an
important component in the transition to having a more Loving relationship
with my self.

There was a point early in my recovery where tragedy was looming, impending
doom was swooping down upon me, everything in my life was going terribly from
my perspective.  I went to talk to a man I trusted and after hearing all of my
woes, he had one piece of advice for me - make my bed every morning.  I
thought he was insane.  But I started doing it.  And as the process unfolded,
and
the potential tragedies in my life worked themselves out, I would come home and
see my bed made and feel good about myself.  I learned that taking an action
for myself helped me to get through difficult stages in the journey.  Life
unfolds - this too passes - over the course of time.  Worrying about outcomes
does
not serve to make my life easier today.  Taking action can make my life
easier today."




Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting
different results.

~ Albert Einstein


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


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