Abuse/Recovery Book Recommendations:


When You and Your Mother Can't Be Friends: Resolving the Most Complicated
Relationship of Your Life by Victoria Secunda
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0385304234/templeofwisdo-20

Synopsis: Extensive research went into this detailed study of troubled
mother-daughter relationships and how these relationships can be improved,
usually
through the efforts of the daughter. Dysfunctional parents usually raise
dysfunctional children who pass the same behavior on to their children unless a
conscientious effort, often with the help of therapy, is made to break the
chain.
Practical advice on how to come to terms with, and often improve, unhealthy
mother-daughter bonds is offered through excerpts from many interviews and
quotes from experts. Serial rights to Cosmopolitan and Redbook will bring
additional attention to this book.

Review: Learn how your relationship with your mother colors your other
relationships and influences your choice of a mate, how to recognize the
difference
between a healthy or destructive mother-daughter relationship, how mothers
manipulate us and how we react, why you tend to become your mother's opposite-
or
her twin, how to find your truest self, and how to stop the cycle.

The book discusses the Bad Mommy Taboo, in which many in society refuse to
accept that a mother can be destructive to her children, but prefer to see all
moms as warm, loving, "America and apple pie" types. Great pressure is put on
adult children not to mention or discuss anything bad their mothers might do,
and to accept abuse because "she's your mother". A daughter who rebels or
stands up and tells the truth is often criticized by acquaintances, and even
outcast from the family. "And so the Bad Mommy on a cultural level gets
protected.
Or she protects herself. Or she is protected by her husband."

I found myself nodding in agreement as I related my own life testimony, as
well as other testimonies I have heard in the course of my ministry, to many of
the teachings in this book, especially the Bad Mommy Taboo. It is amazing just
how universal and pervasive this is. People with normal mothers find it
difficult to understand how it can be possible to have a destructive mother. But
the strange thing is that even those with very abusive, controlling, or
downright evil mothers can still be in deep denial concerning their mothers'
true
natures. Many continue to take the blame for an unsuccessful relationship and to
expose themselves to abuse, thinking there must be something wrong with them
because mom couldn't possibly be the problem. After all, moms are loving and
caring of their children, right?

Well, unfortunately for some adult children, that's not right, and
understanding this and realizing what is going on is the first step toward
healing. This
book is very helpful in that regard, and will teach us to recognize and deal
with such a mother, even if she is our own. It is also encouraging in helping
us tell the truth and protect ourselves over the objections of outsiders-
which includes other family members. We learn about the Evolution of the
Unpleasable Mother, and there are chapters covering different types of abusive
mothers,
including the Doormat, the Critic, the Smotherer, the Avenger, and the
Deserter. Part Three discusses how daughters react to our mothers'
destructiveness,
many by becoming the Angel, the Superachiever, the Cipher, the Troublemaker,
or the Defector.

In Part Four, we are given suggestions for breaking the cycle and redefining
the mother-daughter relationship. We are helped to understand what kind of
relationship, if any, might be possible for us to maintain with our own mother.
We might be able to achieve a genuine, loving, respectful friendship. We might
settle for a "truce" in which we manage to have a relationship on a limited
basis without compromising ourselves beyond our tolerance- one in which we
successfully enforce boundaries. Or the only way we may be able to survive might
be
to "divorce" our mother. One women explained,"....I've finally come to the
conclusion that I am much better off never seeing her again. She's just not good
for my mental health." We are encouraged to make divorce a last resort, and
to expect social censure from those who have their own reasons for not
understanding and feel it is their place to judge us.

The author tells us, "Of the women I interviewed who have divorced their
mothers, there isn't one who wouldn't have gladly sacrificed just about anything
to avoid the harrowing conclusion that it was the only alternative. What most
people fail to realize is that a daughter makes so heretical a move only after
years of trying to make it unnecessary." The reader is taught "that life- and
a healthy adulthood- may not include your mother."

This book is well-researched and well-balanced. Many suggestions are given
for trying to improve our relationship with our mother, but the reality that
this may not be possible is not denied. It is important to see how our
victimization influences our personality and impacts our other relationships,
and to
stop the cycle before it affects the next generation. Drawing on years of
research and hundreds of interviews, the author "shows you how to let go, gain
understanding and acceptance- or achieve a separate peace at last."


If You Had Controlling Parents: How to Make Peace with Your Past and Take
Your Place in the World by Dan Neuharth
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0060929324/templeofwisdo-20

Review: As Edmund Burke said, "The greater the power, the more dangerous the
abuse."

This is sometimes excruciatingly true with parents. There are the typically
anxious ones who get a little uptight about letting their teenagers borrow the
car, and then there are the rigid kinds who won't even let their kids leave
the house when they want to--or even eat or go to the bathroom when they need
to.

Written for the 14 million adult children who've survived an upbringing with
the latter type of parents, If You Had Controlling Parents takes the classic
Toxic Parents to a new level. Author Dan Neuharth, Ph.D., a family therapist,
knows his subject thoroughly; he survived a childhood with a father who has the
candor to refer to himself as "an S.O.B."

Neuharth says, "If your parents controlled you in unhealthy ways, they may
have planted land mines in your psyche." Research shows that behaviors and
traits exhibited by adult children of controlling parents include the following:
depression, low self-esteem, distorted self-image, eating disorders and other
addictions, stress-related health problems, inability to sustain an intimate
relationship, and more. While this may seem like a heavy lot to handle, Neuharth
maintains there's always hope of overcoming the past and changing
yourself--even if it means making the drastic move of cutting off contact with
one or both
of your parents.

He gives a lengthy self-test to determine if your parents were controlling;
gives profiles of eight typical styles of controlling parents to help you
better recognize how you may be presently affected by your upbringing; and then
delves into the process of understanding why your parents acted the way they did
in order to start healing emotionally. This is especially important, he says,
if you now have children of your own and want to stop the damaging cycle of
parental control. He doesn't give a cookie-cutter, one-size-fits-all recovery
plan, but rather suggests several "paths to healing" and exercises to help you,
as he terms it, "emotionally leave home." The book's subtitle--"A Guide for
Letting Go of Anxiety, Self-Blame and Perfectionism and Improving Assertiveness,
Boundaries and Confidence"--says it all. This is self-help at its best.--This
text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.


Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by
Susan Forward
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0553381407/templeofwisdo-20

Synopsis: All parents fall short from time to time. But Susan Forward pulls
no punches when it comes to those whose deficiencies cripple their children
emotionally. Her brisk, unreserved guide to overcoming the stultifying agony of
parental manipulation--from power trips to guilt trips and all other killers of
self worth--will help deal with the pain of childhood and move beyond the
frustrating relationship patterns learned at home.

Are you the child of toxic parents?

When you were a child...

• Did your parents tell you you were bad or worthless?
• Did your parents use physical pain to discipline you?
• Did you have to take care of your parents because of their problems?
• Were you often frightened of your parents?
• Did your parents do anything to you that had to be kept secret?

Now that you’re an adult...

• Do your parents still treat you as if you were a child?
• Do you have intense emotional or physical reactions after spending time
with your parents?
• Do your parents control you with threats or guilt? Do they manipulate you
with money?
• Do you feel that no matter what you do, it’s never good enough for your
parents?

In this remarkable self-help guide, Dr. Susan Forward draws on case histories
and the real-life voices of adult children of toxic parents to help you free
yourself from the frustrating patterns of your relationship with your parents
—
and discover a new world of self-confidence, inner strength, and emotional
independence.


Abused Men by Philip W. Cook
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0275958620/templeofwisdo-20

Synopsis: When most people think of domestic violence, images of battered
women or abused children come to mind. But there is another side to this issue
that is not as familiar--abused men. This unique book is the first to
comprehensively examine this important but neglected social issue. Already
praised by a
diverse spectrum of readers--from "Dear Abby's" Abigail Van Buren, to the
nation's leading domestic violence researcher, to those in law enforcement and
counseling--this work is sure to spark controversy and discussion. It offers
gripping, emotional stories, self-help for victims, and provocative insight into
public issues, and provides a basic reference source for professionals. Abused
Men presents practical solutions for reducing domestic violence, whether its
victims are male or female.


The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming
Yourself by Beverly Engel
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0449906442/templeofwisdo-20

Review: For me, this book above all other self-help books on the subject I've
read really hit home. I was physically and emotionally abused for most of my
childhood. Once I grew up and left home I became involved with emotionally
abusive men again and again, for the last several years. I couldn't understand
why I always seemed to pick the wrong guy, and why life was so painful, and
demeaning. Through therapy and self-help books I was able to come to some
realizations. This book was so powerful that halfway through I had to put it
down for
some time because the personal truths I arrived at were so painful to face. I
hope any person out there who is going through or has been through an
emotionally abusive relationship will give this book a try. It is well worth it.


When Misery Is Company: Ending Self-Sabotage and Misery Addiction by Anne
Katherine
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1592850847/templeofwisdo-20

Synopsis: This book offers solutions to anyone who has felt victimized,
ostracized or left behind by life.

Why does happiness always seem to elude certain people? And why, when these
same people seem to be on the cusp of achieving happiness, do they sabotage
themselves?

This is the first book about addiction to misery, a common but subtle problem
that keeps many people from responding to counseling or therapy, healing from
old hurts, and experiencing fulfillment and joy. For people who are addicted
to misery, happiness itself is frightening and threatening. As a result, every
joy must be equalized by a setback. Too much success must be balanced by
failure.

People who are addicted to misery try to protect themselves against feeling
bad by not feeling too good. For them, happiness itself triggers a pattern of
decisions and behaviors that leads to emotional pain - pain that is comforting
in its familiarity. Because of the subtlety and contradictions of an addiction
to misery, many talented therapists and counselors may not recognize it and
those who have it often unable to see through it.

When Misery is Company not only explains the problem, it offers a practical,
step-by-step program for overcoming it-and living a life of joy and
fulfillment.


How to Say It for Couples: Communicating With Tenderness, Openness and
Honesty by Paul W. Coleman
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0735202613/templeofwisdo-20

Synopsis: Communication tools that can help lead the most difficult
conversations with loved ones. Couples, whether married or unmarried, living
together,
or dating, often complicate their relationship with ineffective communication.
It’s certainly no secret that the wrong word or phrase can transform a mild
disagreement into a stubborn standoff. With hundreds and hundreds of examples
of the best way to speak to one another, How to Say It® for Couples clarifies
the most common differences in communication style between the sexes so couples
won’t trip up.

More than just general communication advice, the book provides readers with
the phrases and words to use in specific situations or on specific topics, such
as in-laws, tying the knot, physical appearance, child-rearing, sex, and much
more. Throughout, this unique guide reveals the secrets of successful
communication, from how to cut back on nagging to what men especially need to do
when
they don’t want to talk. Readers will quickly discover their own conversation
strengths and weaknesses and learn how to say the right thing in any
situation.

Essential for anyone involved in a romantic relationship, How to Say It® for
Couples is a resource that couples can rely on for clear, concise,
state-of-the-art information about healthy, effective communication.


Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy
Bancroft
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0425191656/templeofwisdo-20


The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1558505822/templeofwisdo-20


Boundaries by Anne Katherine
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0671791931/templeofwisdo-20

Synopsis: Are Your Boundaries Being Violated?

Boundaries separate us from others physically and emotionally. In fact, they
are essential for our mental and physical health as well as for developing
healthy relationships. Yet every day, people's boundaries are violated by
friends, family, or coworkers. Despite the importance of personal boundaries
many
people are unaware of how or when these very important lines are crossed.

Which of the following are boundary violations?

Esther tells Betty a secret Mary told her.
Your therapist invites you to go for coffee.
Your boss wants to know the details of your personal life.
Your boss asks you if you'd like a hug.
Mom tells little Debbie about her troubles with Dad.
Your new neighbor pats you on the bottom as he turns away.
Your mother makes a comment about your being overweight.

All but one of the above incidents violate boundaries (your boss asks you if
you'd like a hug). In Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin, Anne Katherine
explains what healthy boundaries are, how to recognize if your personal
boundaries are being violated, and what you can do to protect yourself.

For anyone who has walked away from a conversation, a meeting, or a visit
with others feeling violated and not understanding why, this is a book that can
help.


Facing Love Addiction: Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0062506048/templeofwisdo-20

Synopsis: Mellody has written a lucid and informative book on a subject
little understood: love addiction. Speaking both from personal experience and a
clinical standpoint, she very carefully defines her terms, including "love
addict," "avoidance addict," and, of course, codependence. The last term she
carefully distinguishes from love addiction. She also includes information on
the
recovery process, the marks of a healthy relationship, and the process of
entering into a healthy relationship. The book concludes with a set of journal
exercises designed to help someone in recovery. Worthwhile reading that is
recommended for libraries serving both the professional and general reader.

A brilliant new guide to understanding the origins of codependence and the
path to recovery by a nationally recognized authority on dependency and
addiction. In this fresh new look at codependence, Pia Mellody traces the
origins of
this illness back to childhood, describing a whole range of emotional,
spiritual, intellectual, physical, and sexual abuses. Because of these earlier
experiences, codependent adults often lack the skills necessary to lead mature
lives
and have satisfying relationships.

Recovery from codependence comes from clearing up the toxic feelings left
over from childhood and learning to re parent oneself by intervening on the
adult
symptoms of codependence. Central to Mellody's concept is the idea of the
"precious child" that needs healing within each adult. She creates a framework
for identifying codependent behavior and describes an effective approach to
recovery that includes both therapy and self-help processes. Designed to be used
with her new workbook for codependents, Breaking Free, this is a powerful tool
for understanding the nature of codependence.


In the Meantime: Finding Yourself and the Love You Want by Iyanla Vanzant
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0684848066/templeofwisdo-20

Synopsis: Self-help counselor Vanzant talks about creative and honest use of
the "meantime" between relationships to help women (and men) avoid repeating
unproductive behaviors of the past. You know where you want to be, but you have
no clue how to get there. You know exactly what you want in life, but what
you want is nowhere in sight. Perhaps your vision is unclear, your purpose still
undefined. On top of it all, your relationships, particularly your romantic
relationships, are failing. If these scenarios feel familiar way down in the
deepest part of your gut -- then you, my dear, are smack dab in the middle of
the meantime.

Every living being wants to experience the light of love. The problem is that
our windows are dirty! The windows of our hearts and minds are streaked with
past pains and hurts, past memories and disappointments. In this book, Iyanla
Vanzant teaches us how to do our mental housekeeping so that we can clean the
windows, floors, walls, closets, and corners of our minds. If we do a good
job, our spirits will shine bringing in the light of true love and happiness.


Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes From, How It Sabotages Our
Lives by Pia Mellody
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0062505890/templeofwisdo-20

Synopsis: A brilliant new guide to understanding the origins of codependence
and the path to recovery by a nationally recognized authority on dependency
and addiction. In this fresh new look at codependence, Pia Mellody traces the
origins of this illness back to childhood, describing a whole range of
emotional, spiritual, intellectual, physical, and sexual abuses. Because of
these
earlier experiences, codependent adults often lack the skills necessary to lead
mature lives and have satisfying relationships.

Recovery from codependence comes from clearing up the toxic feelings left
over from childhood and learning to re parent oneself by intervening on the
adult
symptoms of codependence. Central to Mellody's concept is the idea of the
"precious child" that needs healing within each adult. She creates a framework
for identifying codependent behavior and describes an effective approach to
recovery that includes both therapy and self-help processes. Designed to be used
with her new workbook for codependents, Breaking Free, this is a powerful tool
for understanding the nature of codependence.


The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series) by Melody Beattie
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0894866370/templeofwisdo-20

Synopsis: The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie is an excellent tool
for anyone who wants to work through the painful process of ending an unhealthy
relationship and to become more independent, empowered, and healthier
themselves. Melody Beattie brings you 50 cards to help remind you that each day
you
can ask for and accept the healing energy of God and the Universe. Remember
that you are all part of, and one with, the continuous cycle of healing, and she
urges you to live according to the concepts of detachment and present-moment
living. Reflecting on the core issues of codependency, Melody Beattie
encourages readers to trust themselves on their journey to self-care. Each
meditation
is filled with the personal warmth and insight Beattie brings to all of her
books.

Excerpt: Today's thought is:

I was thirty-five years old the first time I spoke up to my mother and
refused to buy into her games and manipulation. I was terribly frightened and
almost
couldn't believe I was doing this. I found I didn't have to be mean. I didn't
have to start an argument. But I could say what I wanted and needed to say to
take care of myself. I learned I could love and honor myself, and still care
about my mother -- the way I wanted to -- the way she wanted me to.

--Anonymous

Who knows better how to push our buttons than family members? Who, besides
family members, do we give such power?

No matter how long we or our family members have been recovering,
relationships with family members can be provocative.

One telephone conversation can put us in an emotional and psychological
tailspin that lasts for hours or days.

Sometimes, it gets worse when we begin recovery because we become even more
aware of our reactions and our discomfort. That's uncomfortable, but good. It
is by beginning this process of awareness and acceptance that we change, grow,
and heal.

The process of detaching in love from family members can take years. So can
the process of learning how to react in a more effective way. We cannot control
what they do or try to do, but we can gain some sense of control over how we
choose to react.

Stop trying to make them act or treat us any differently. Unhook from their
system by refusing to try to change or influence them.

Their patterns, particularly their patterns with us, are their issues. How we
react, or allow these patterns to influence us, is our issue. How we take
care of ourselves is our issue.

We can love our family and still refuse to buy into their issues. We can love
our family but refuse their efforts to manipulate, control, or produce guilt
in us.

We can take care of ourselves with family members without feeling guilty. We
can learn to be assertive with family members without being aggressive. We can
set the boundaries we need and want to set with family members without being
disloyal to the family.

We can learn to love our family without forfeiting love and respect for
ourselves.

Today, help me start practicing self-care with family members. Help me know
that I do not have to allow their issues to control my life, my day, or my
feelings. Help me know it's okay to have all my feelings about family members,
without guilt or shame.


(*Awesome book!) Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls (a cosmic
perspective of codependence and the human condition) by Robert Burney
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0964838311/templeofwisdo-20

Review: A startling and persuasive new take on the new age by a Twelve Step
enthusiast. With a compelling writing style that doesn't just dance around the
subject. . . He works with wounded souls in his private practice, repairing
dysfunctional attitudes about human perfection. And his message is clear. We are
not just human creatures stumbling around finding ways to earn and justify a
spiritual nature. Just the opposite. We are Spiritual beings having a human
experience. And Burney drills home his zealous message. "We are not being
punished."

He examines organized religions, scientific principles, the scourge of aids,
other human conditions. And concludes that it's time we healed, purged
punishment, found our spiritual purpose, enjoyed life. He also confronts some of
the
new age channelers and psychics who shake fingers at those who fall to common
human frailty. Readers will find a penetrating synthesis of Twelve Step
Recovery, contemporary and ancient principles in his Cosmic Perspective.
Burney's
comments are innovative and inspiring, and may just be the answer for so many
seeking spiritual guidance. They ring of honesty, and they will cause many to
ponder.

Synopsis: This joyously inspirational Spiritual book presents a set of
beliefs about the meaning and purpose of life from a Cosmic Perspective that
combines Twelve Step Recovery Principles with Ancient Metaphysical Truths. It
explains why a New Age has dawned in human consciousness on planet Earth and
explores
the interrelationship between subjects that range from the Bible, Buddha, and
Jesus to quantum physics, molecular biology, and AIDS.

The belief system the book is based upon is exemplified by this quote from
The Dance of Wounded Souls: "We are not sinful, shameful human creatures who
have to somehow earn Spirituality. We are Spiritual Beings having a human
experience. We are here to experience and learn, to touch and to feel."

The author, a therapist who specializes in codependence/inner child healing,
not only explains the big picture of how we are all ONE, part of one Cosmic
energy interaction that is unfolding perfectly, he also offers insights into how
the individual being can lovingly change their relationship with self and
life in order to transform their human experience into a much more enjoyable
adventure. This is a life-changing, life-affirming book.

*Visit Burney’s website for lots of goodies from this amazing book!
http://www.joy2meu.com


Counter-Dependency: The Flight from Intimacy by Janae B. Weinhold, Barry K.
Weinhold
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1882056000/templeofwisdo-20

Synopsis: The first half of the book focuses on the developmental causes of
counter dependency and describes exactly what a child needs during between the
ages of one and three years. When these needs are not met, people develop
counter dependent behaviors that particularly cause difficulties in creating and
sustaining intimate adult relationships. The last half of the book presents
many case histories and experiential activities that show readers how to replace
these behaviors with more effective ones. The book concludes with a chapter
describing how Janae and Barry worked on their own counter dependent patterns.


The Inner Child Workbook: What to Do With Your Past When It Just Won't Go
Away by Cathryn L. Taylor
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/087477635X/templeofwisdo-20


Healing the Child Within by Charles Whitfield
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0932194400/templeofwisdo-20


Healing Your Aloneness : Finding Love and Wholeness Through Your Inner Child
by Margaret Paul, Erika J. Chopich
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0062501496/templeofwisdo-20



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