Codependency and Christian Living

Codependency is one of the most underestimated issues within the church
today. It affects everyone. Let me repeat, it affects everyone. We tend to
think
it is just something that is benign and if left alone, time will heal.
Nothing could be further from the truth. When we do not acknowledge our
codependency, we become toxic, shame-driven, fear-driven people. It give
opportunity
for other addictions to substances, relationships, and behaviors to grow in our
lives which become life-controlling and rob us of the joy of living.
Celebrate Recovery is especially for you if you struggle with codependency.

On the surface, codependency messages sound like Christian teaching -

“Codependents always put others first before taking care of themselves.”
(Aren’t Christians to put others first?)

“Codependents give themselves away.” (Shouldn’t Christians do the same?)

“Codependents martyr themselves.” (Christianity honors its martyrs.)

Those statements have a familiar ring, don’t they? Then how can we
distinguish between codependency, which is unhealthy to codependents and their
dependents, and mature faith, which is healthy.

Codependency says:

I have little or no value.
Other persons and situations have all the value.
I must please other people regardless of the cost to my person or my values.
I am to place myself to be used by others without protest.
I must give myself away.
If I claim any rights for myself, I am selfish.
If I have boundaries that protect me, I'm wrong or self-centered.

Jesus taught the value of the individual. He said we are to love others equal
to ourselves, not more than. A love of self forms the basis for loving
others. The differences between a life of service and codependency take several
forms.

Motivation differs. Does the individual give his service and himself out of
free choice or because he considers himself of no value? Does he seek to “
please people”? Does he act out of guilt or fear? Does he act out of a need to
be
needed (which means he actually uses the other person to meet his own needs;
the helpee becomes an object to help the helper achieve his own goals). (See
Enabling)

Service is to be an active choice. The person acts; codependents react.

Codependents behavior is addictive rather than balanced. Addictions control
the person instead of the person being in charge of their own life.


Enabling

Helping or Harming?

Enabling is defined as reaction to a person in such a way to shield him or
her from experiencing the full impact of the harmful consequences of behavior.
Enabling behavior differs from helping in that it permits or allows the person
to be irresponsible.

PROTECTION from natural consequences of behavior.
KEEPING SECRETS about behavior from others in order to keep peace.
MAKING EXCUSES for the behavior. (School, friends, legal authorities, work,
family members.)
BAILING OUT of trouble. (Debts, fixing tickets, paying lawyers, providing
jobs.)
BLAMING OTHERS for dependent persons behavior. (Friends, teachers, employers,
family, self.)
SEEING THE PROBLEM AS THE RESULT OF SOMETHING ELSE. (Shyness, adolescence,
loneliness, child, broken home.)
AVOIDING the chemically dependent person in order to keep peace.
(Out-of-sight, out-of-mind.)
GIVING MONEY THAT IS UNDESERVED/UNEARNED.
ATTEMPTING TO CONTROL. (Planning activities, choosing friends, getting jobs.)

MAKING THREATS that have no follow through or consistency.
TAKING CARE OF the chemically dependent person. (Doing what he/she should be
expected to for themselves.)


Top Codependency and the Christian Definition Qualities:

I assume responsibility for others feelings and behaviors.
I feel guilty about others feelings and behaviors.
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I have difficulty expressing feelings.
I am afraid of my anger, yet sometimes erupt in a rage.
I worry how others may respond to my feelings, opinions, and behavior.
I have difficulty making decisions.
I am afraid of being hurt and/or rejected by others.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
I am afraid to express differing opinions or feeling.
I value others opinions and feelings more than my own.
I put other people's needs and desires before mine.
I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise, or gifts.
I judge everything I think, say, or do harshly, as never "good enough."
I am perfectionistic.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable and worthwhile person.
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others anger.


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]