S U R V I V I N G A D Y S F U N C T I O N A L F A M I L Y

Ten Ways To Make Peace With The Past
And Create A New Future

Our families are our first and most influential bonds, the foundation for our
personalities and our relationships with others. But too often those
interactions are destructive instead of nurturing. From the moment our lives
begin,
our physical helplessness makes us dependent on the people closest to us for
survival and information, and we learn how to behave so that we get what we
need. Professionals and lay people alike estimate that at least 90% of American
families are dysfunctional. The distortion of our free expression for the
sake of superficial harmony creates patterns that spread through our ideas and
behavior to promote personal, social and political dysfunction.

Are you confused about what you want and how to get it? Do your emotions
sometimes overwhelm you and make you reluctant to act? Are you trapped in
situations that drain your energy? Do you find yourself struggling with the same
problems over and over? Are you afraid of people you admire and nice to people
you can't stand?

What may be holding you back from building the life you dream of are
unconscious attitudes and automatic behaviors you learned at an early age
because you
thought you needed them to survive. (As you may well have.) The good news is
that you don't have to be a victim of your upbringing. Although a dysfunctional
past can crush your self-esteem, confuse you and distort your relationships,
you can begin now to set yourself free from those patterns and create the life
you want. The distortion of your natural instincts can be reversed. You are a
unique expression of the universal life force which has crystallized into
your physical form to reflect your spirit's journey. No one else ever has or
will affect the world as you do. With every act, word or thought you are adding
to the All-That-Is.

Surviving a dysfunctional family doesn't necessarily mean getting along
better with your relatives. You make peace with the past by using difficult
situations, thoughts, emotions and people as opportunities to discover meaning
and
purpose in life. You create a new future by drawing on your innate wisdom to
help you overcome your obstacles, reawaken your dreams, realize your best self,
and discover within you the powerful urge to love in even the most trying
circumstances that's been inside you all along, no matter how long you've been
unaware of it.

The following simple principles can show you how to grow through experience
and transform your life and relationships. If you approach your problems as
opportunities
to discover meaning and purpose in your life, you can deepen your capacity to
love in even the most difficult circumstances, and make a difference both
personally and in
society.

Here are ten ways to spark change in your life:

1. SET A NEW COURSE

Finding your own preferences

This new course is first an internal one, which paves the way for the
external changes. If you're not satisfied with your life the way it is, begin
by
imagining that, no matter
how bad or how good, it can get better. Accept that what happens in your life
is largely up to you, and make it a priority to figure out how to create the
life you want. Do what uplifts you. Allow yourself to feel excited about your
possibilities. Take time every day to think about what you want. Pay close
attention to ideas and feelings that light you up. Great results may require
great risks. Courage is accepting reality as it is and taking action to shape it
into what you want. What you dedicate yourself to, you can create. To
jump-start this process, give your brain a challenge by writing your full name
three
times with your non-dominant hand. Or take a new route or means of
transportation to work. Savor the freedom in it and build on it, one small step
at a
time.


2. TRUST YOUR INTUITION

Accessing your inner wisdom

When you hear "that little voice," listen. Trust your gut feelings. Within
you is a guidance system that announces itself through your ideas and emotions.
Give yourself the
benefit of the doubt. Life can be confusing, and some people do try to
manipulate you in devious ways. If something doesn't feel right, it may mean
that
it's not for you. Wonder about why not, and what you'd like instead. Stand your
ground. Believe in yourself in the face of criticism. No one else can tell you
what you need or want. Have good intentions. Let your sense of integrity
guide you. Don't second-guess yourself. All you can do is what you think is
best
at the moment. Try completing the phrase, "Wouldn't it be great if..." to
break the pattern of negativity. Wouldn't it be great if you could live the
life
you dream of?


3. LOOK FOR A SILVER LINING

Developing a positive attitude

How things appear is affected by how you look at them. Search for the
positive. Negative interpretations dull your energy and ability to cope. No
matter
how bad a
situation seems, find something in it to appreciate. Ask yourself, what good
could come from this? What can I learn here? The answers you get are
indicators of what to
do next. You already have inside you the resources to build the life you
want. You just have to learn how to use them.


4. TAKE A STEP BACK

Separating motivation from unconscious patterns

Be on the lookout for destructive habitual patterns. Noticing is the first
step to breaking them. Don't fight them, just observe your thoughts and
feelings. The deeper you can go, the more you unravel the stuck places in your
heart
and mind. Bring spirit into the process by inviting metaphysical help in any
form that works for you. Don't be influenced by others' opinions unless they
inspire you. See criticism as an automatic response based in the other person's
own fears. You don't have to convince any one of your right to have your life
as you want it.


5. WATCH WHAT YOU SAY

Developing effective communication

Tell the truth. Be kind. Say good things, especially to yourself. A little
goes a long way. Speak carefully. Emphasize the positive. Be aware of your
effect on others. Don't assume you're being understood. When you realize you've
made a mistake, apologize face to face if possible, so you can look the other
person in the eye. Don't interrupt. Don't gossip. It wastes time you could be
using to empower yourself. Don't give advice unless you're asked. Choose your
battles. If someone gets angry at you, stop doing whatever triggers them, no
matter how right you think you are, until you can find a better way to
communicate. Why make yourself a target? Know when to shut up or decline to
answer.
Watch what you listen to. Don't dismiss different points of view. Don't listen
just to what someone says-- try to understand why they're saying it. Don't put
up with disrespect, manipulation or negative thinking from anyone, including
yourself.


6. DON'T KEEP SCORE

Setting your own standards

Life isn't about success or failure. Although both teach valuable lessons,
realizing your potential is the core challenge. Adversity can develop strength.
Even a losing battle can be the perfect challenge to show you your direction
in life. If a dream sours, let it go without judgment or remorse. Assume it's
no longer relevant, and look for new options. Accepting change brings peace of
mind. It could be a stepping stone to a better situation.


7. NO VICTIMS, NO VILLAINS

Every situation brings exactly what you need to wake up

You are not responsible for anyone else, nor are they for you. Relationships
are like jigsaw puzzles. All the pieces fit together to create the whole.
There's no guilt, no blame, no shame. Accept each moment as if you'd chosen it.
Allow things to be as they are. Holding a grudge drains your energy. If someone
hurts you, look for what you can learn from it. Forgiveness doesn't mean it
was okay with you; it means releasing the person's power to upset you. You may
never forget, but letting go of your resentment is more productive. This goes
double for forgiving yourself.


8. MEDITATE AND TREAT YOURSELF WELL

Nourishing yourself

Make time to have fun and enjoy life. Laugh. Let yourself dream your fondest
dreams. Celebrate your successes, big or small. Take walks in nature. Spend
time alone. Exercise, rest and eat when you need to, and drink lots of water.
Something as simple as a warm bath or short walk can do wonders in improving
your perspective. Give yourself the opportunity to find inspiration. You are
part of the universal creative energy. Spirit underlies everything. You didn't
come here to prove your worth or to find a
problem and fix it. You came to express your talents and abilities, to
realize your dreams. Meditation calms your conscious thinking mind, and helps
your
access your inner wisdom. Counting your breaths is the basic form, or you can
silently repeat a soothing word or phrase (like "peace of mind" or
"well-being"). When your mind wanders, and it will, come back to your breath (or
calming
words). Even ten minutes a day can make a
difference.


9. GET OUTSIDE HELP

See beyond your blind spots

It helps to talk about your feelings, no matter how stupid, strange or awful
they seem to you. An objective outsider can clear up confusion and liberate
your creative energy. Get counseling, either by yourself or with family members.
Find someone you trust and feel compatible with, and be willing to pour your
heart out. Examine both sides of any issue. Don't follow advice blindly, but
do explore ideas that make sense to you to see what happens. Join a group of
people with similar interests or circumstances to yours. Try art, music, or
dance for fun and/or therapy. Read self-help books. Most have at least some
helpful nuggets, and can reassure you that you're not alone. Don't expect The
Answer, but serve yourself a smorgasbord of possibilities to take or leave as
you
like.


10. MOVE ON

Graduate to living fully

Trying to change someone is futile, no matter how much you care, or how badly
you think they need it. You have no control over what anyone else feels or
thinks. Do what
you can, and do your best, but not at your own expense. Respect your own
boundaries. Your first commitment should be to yourself and to learning as much
as possible from
what happens to you. Only when you're at peace with yourself can you make a
real contribution to anyone. Just live your own truth, be honorable, and intend
the best outcome for everyone involved.

Working things through can be healing when there's mutual respect, but if you
feel hopeless, scapegoated, threatened or frantic, retreat may be the only
appropriate choice, at least for the moment. It could be as basic as leaving
the room briefly, or as extreme as ending the relationship or moving away. But
be open to the possibility that they may surprise you. Your changes alter the
context of the relationship, and eventually the "problem" person may come to
treat you differently.

Pass along what you learn.


SUMMARY

Everyone comes into life with a purpose. The circumstances of your life
reflect to you what that is. The family you join has preexisting conditions,
beliefs, attitudes, distortion, patterns, and tendencies which influence you.
Because you need their support for your survival, you learn to adapt to what
they
expect from you. You compromise your natural inclinations and ideas so you can
fit in with theirs. But when you ignore your own truth, you feel bad. You get
sick. You create the opposite effect of what you intend.

The way out is to identify and investigate the internal obstacles that keep
you stuck. Then think about what you'd rather have and what you have to do to
get it. Then you're on the road to your true expression, a road that takes
you back and forth between those obstacles and your passion for your dreams.

No matter what happens, trust that what you go through will enlighten you.
Change doesn't happen overnight. It comes little by little, more and more, each
time you bring
awareness to a problem. Don't be discouraged. No one will be able to behave
perfectly all the time. The most important thing is a dedication to trying
something new and
learning from your experience.

I wish you healing, faith and the courage to make your dreams come true.

Suzanne



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