A Dance of Suffering, Shame, and Self-abuse
by Robert Burney M.A.

"The reason that we have not been Loving our neighbor as ourselves is because
we have been doing it backwards. We were taught to judge and feel ashamed of
ourselves. We were taught to hate ourselves for being human."

"If I am feeling like a "failure" and giving power to the "critical parent"
voice within that is telling me that I am a failure - then I can get stuck in a
very painful place where I am shaming myself for being me. In this dynamic I
am being the victim of myself and also being my own perpetrator - and the next
step is to rescue myself by using one of the old tools to go unconscious
(food, alcohol, sex, etc.) Thus the disease has me running around in a squirrel
cage of suffering and shame, a dance of pain, blame, and self-abuse."

Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls

Codependence is an incredibly powerful, insidious, and vicious disease. It is
so powerful because it is ingrained in our core relationship with ourselves.
As little kids we were assaulted with the message that there was something
wrong with us. We got this message from our parents who were assaulted and
wounded in childhood by their parents who were assaulted and wounded in
childhood,
etc. etc., and from our society that is based on the belief that being human is
shameful.

Codependence is insidious because it is so pervasive. The core emotional
belief that there is something wrong with who we are as beings affects all of
the
relationships in our life and keeps us from learning how to Truly Love. In a
Codependent society value is assigned in comparison (richer than, prettier
than, more spiritual than, healthier than, etc.) so that the only way to feel
good
about self is the judge and look down on others. Comparison serves the belief
in separation which makes violence, homelessness, pollution, and billionaires
possible. Love is about feeling connected in the scheme of things not
separate.

Codependence is vicious because it causes us to hate and abuse ourselves. We
were taught to judge and shame ourselves for being human. At the core of our
relationship with ourselves is the feeling that we are somehow not worthy and
not lovable.

My father was trained that he was supposed to be perfect and that anger was
the only permissible male emotion. As a result, that little boy that made
mistakes and got yelled at felt like he was flawed and unlovable.

My mother told me how much she loved me, how important and valuable I was,
and how I could be anything that I wanted to be. But my mother had no
self-esteem and no boundaries so she emotionally incested me. I felt responsible
for her
emotional well-being and felt great shame that I couldn't protect her from
father's raging or the pain of life. This was proof that I was so flawed that,
though a woman might think I was lovable, eventually the truth of my
unworthiness would be exposed by my inability to protect her and insure her
happiness.

The church I was raised in taught me that I was born sinful and unworthy, and
that I should be grateful and adoring because God loved me in spite of my
unworthiness. And, even though God loved me, if I allowed my unworthiness to
surface by acting on (or even thinking about) the shameful human weaknesses that
I
was born with - then God would be forced, with great sadness and reluctance,
to cast me into hell to burn forever.

Is it any wonder that at my core I felt unworthy and unlovable? Is it any
wonder that as an adult I got trapped in a continual cycle of shame, blame, and
self-abuse?

The pain of being unworthy and shameful was so great that I had to learn ways
to go unconscious and disconnect from my feelings. The ways in which I
learned to protect myself from that pain and nurture myself when I was hurting
so
badly were with things like drugs and alcohol, food and cigarettes,
relationships and work, obsession and rumination.

The way it works in practice is like this: I am feeling fat; I judge myself
for being fat; I shame myself for being fat; I beat myself for being fat; then
I am hurting so badly that I have to relieve some of the pain; so to nurture
myself I eat a pizza; then I judge myself for eating the pizza, etc. etc.

To the disease, this is a functional cycle. The shame begets the self-abuse
which begets the shame which serves the purpose of the disease which is to keep
us separate so the we don't set ourselves up to fail by believing that we are
worthy and lovable.

Obviously, this is a dysfunctional cycle if our purpose is to be happy and
enjoy being alive.

The way to stop this cycle is two-fold and simple in theory but extremely
hard to implement on a moment-to-moment, day-to day basis in our lives. The
first
part has to do with removing the shame from our inner process. This is a
complicated and multi-leveled process that involves changing the belief systems
that are dictating our reactions to life (this include everything from positive
affirmations to grief/emotional energy release work, to support groups, to
meditation and prayer, to inner child work, etc.) so that we can change our
relationship with ourselves at the core and start treating ourselves in
healthier
ways.

The second part is simpler and usually harder. It involves taking 'the
action.' ('the action' refers to the specific behavior. We have to take action
to do
all of the things listed in the first part as well.) Changing the behavior
that is giving us a reason for the shame. Just saying 'no' - or 'yes' if the
behavior in question is something like not eating or isolating or not
exercising.
And even though it may sometime work in the short run to use shame and
judgment to get ourselves to change a behavior, in the long term - in alignment
with
our goal of having a more Loving relationship with ourselves so that we can
be happy - it is much more powerful to take that action in a Loving way.

This involves setting a boundary for the little child inside of us, who wants
instant gratification and instant relief, out of the Loving adult in us who
understands the concept of delayed gratification. (If I exercise every day I
will feel much better in the long run.) True pride comes from action taken. It
is false pride to feel good about ourselves in comparison because of looks,
talent, intelligence or for being forced to become spiritual, healthy, or sober.
Those are gifts. True pride is taking credit for the action we have taken to
foster, nurture, and maintain those gifts.

The way to break the self-destructive cycle, to stop the dance of shame,
suffering, and self-abuse, is to set Loving boundaries for ourselves in the
moment
of that desperate need for immediate gratification and to know that - though
it is not shameful if we can't do it perfectly or all the time - we need to
'just do it.' We need to stand up for our True Self to our wounded self in order
to Love ourselves.


Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls
by Robert Burney, therapist


HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

From ghoulies and ghosties
And long-leggedy beasties
And things that go bump in the night,
Good Lord, deliver us!
~Scottish Saying


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