Family of Origin Roles: Who Are You?

The troubled or "dysfunctional" family does not always include obvious
afflictions such as alcohol or drug addiction, extramarital affairs, or physical
abuse. The troubled family could be one in which dad was emotionally unavailable
or mom was very controlling. The troubled family could be one in which one
parent found solace in work or academia, as the other parent enabled this
behavior by taking on the responsibilities of the entire family system. In cases
such
as these, the children are left exposed and vulnerable to the ailments of the
world, such as drug addiction or abusive and codependent relationships. The
troubled family could be your neighbors who look so normal, or the people
worshipping beside you at church. The troubled family could be the one in which
you
currently reside. However, there is hope.

At MARR, our patients and their families are educated on the roles in which
they take on as children in their families of origin. In the 1950s, social
worker Virginia Satir was a pioneer in defining the roles that individual family
members acquire in the troubled family, with therapists Don and Sharon
Wegscheider furthering Satir’s work in the early 1980s. Counselors in the
substance
abuse field have found this work imperative as they see firsthand how these
roles play themselves out in the "addicted family". For instance, if one parent
is
addicted to a substance, the other parent is the codependent, as the children
become the "mascot", "hero", "lost child", or "scapegoat".

If you believe you come from or currently live in a troubled family, in which
role did/do you find yourself? In what role did/do other family members fall?

Chemically Dependent or Avoider of Feelings: Root cause for the dysfunction
in the family. This person shifts the blame to someone else. He or she has
repressed feelings of pain, guilt, shame, fear, and anger/rage. This person is
out
of touch with reality and hides behind rigidity, aggressiveness, hostility,
self-righteousness, high standards for others, grandiosity, and perfectionism.
A chemically dependent will medicate pain through addictive substances; any
avoider of true intimacy will find an avenue in which to avoid feelings or real
connections with others (work, gambling, school, food, etc.)

Codependent: The one closest and the most depended upon by the addict/avoider—
usually a spouse. As the addict/avoider either loses control or further
detaches from the family, the codependent makes more decisions and takes on more
responsibility, thus enabling the addictive/avoidance behavior. This person
hides behind walls of martyrdom, seriousness, control, denial, people-pleasing,
care taking, protecting, rescuing, self-blaming, hostility and low self-worth.

Hero: Usually the oldest child. This child is super-responsible in order to
take the responsibility off the codependents’ shoulders. Makes good grades,
excels in a sport or activity to make the family look good. This child has
repressed feelings of guilt, inadequacy, loneliness, confusion, anger and hurt.

Mascot: Usually the youngest child. They provide comic relief to take the
heat off the family. Things seem easier when the mascot acts cute and immature.
This mascot is often not taken seriously. They have repressed feelings of being
crazy, scared, high anxiety, hurt, loneliness, confusion and pain. They
provide distraction and seek attention through clowning around. They tend to be
hyperactive and can’t handle stress.

Lost Child: The lost child may be the middle child. They are typically sweet,
quiet and shy. He or she hides behind walls of being withdrawn from the
family; a dreamer, super-independent, low academic achievement and promiscuous
behavior. But this child is perceived as the one in which the family doesn’t
have
to worry. This child tends to stay in their little fantasy world and often
ends up with a lot of emotional problems. They may have trouble making
decisions,
but can be very creative in the arts. The lost child has feelings of being
ignored, inadequacy, hurt, feeling unimportant, and anger. (Often the lost child
becomes the scapegoat in their adolescence (Often the lost child becomes the
scapegoat in their adolescence.)

Scapegoat: Often the second child. Their rebelliousness takes focus away from
the addict/avoider. They are strongly influenced by peer alliance outside of
the home because they don’t feel as if they belong in the family. They carry
the pain of the family, which is why they are called the scapegoat; they are
often blamed for the problems in the family though their behavior is the result,
not the cause of the dysfunction. They have repressed feelings of insecurity,
anger, hurt, rejection, fear, and loneliness. They act out via chemical abuse
and sexual promiscuity, and they are at high risk for suicide.

(Role definitions taken from Boundary Power by O’Neil and Newbold)



HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

From ghoulies and ghosties
And long-leggedy beasties
And things that go bump in the night,
Good Lord, deliver us!
~Scottish Saying


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Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents





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