Quandary: Who is the Victim, who is the Abuser?
by DR Irene


..."I printed out a lot of pages from this site for my husband because he is
an abuser. He thought it was all very interesting, but seems to feel I was the
abuser. He thinks I am playing games with his mind by refusing to have sex
with him when I don't want to. He resorts to emotional blackmail. This was
pointed out by our counselor when we were in marriage counseling.

To me its important they realize they are being abusive so they can get the
help they need to stop being abusive and change the way they think and their
beliefs. Am I wrong Dr Irene??? We have to realize we are victims and recognize
our codependent and victim behaviors so we can change them.

I ask because my husband just seems to think its all me..."

Am I Wrong?

No, you are not wrong. An individual cannot change themselves unless they
recognize that they are abusive, or codependent, or (fill in the blank).
Recognition is half the battle. Changing it is the other half.

Victim-Abuser?

What is going on when each partner thinks they are the victim of the other?
This situation, by the way, is the norm. The identified victim is screaming,
"Look what X is doing to me!" The identified abuser is screaming, "Look what Y
is doing to me!" What's going on?

First recognize that I am not talking extremes. It is not hard to pick out
the abuser and victim in cases of battery. But roles are rarely this clear-cut.
What about cases where both parties batter each other? What about partnerships
in which there is no battery, yet verbal and emotional abuse run rampant?

Labels Can Get Us Stuck

While invaluable in the recognition and identification of a phenomenon,
labels can present problems as well. Just as there is no such thing as "the
normal"
person (e.g., 2.3 kids, 1.5 dogs, etc.), there is no such thing as "the
victim" and "the abuser." 

Boundaries Or Withholding?

The identified victim usually needs to recognize when  his or her boundaries
have been violated and put a stop to it. The identified abuser usually needs
to recognize that their boundaries have not been violated when they are denied
entry into their partner's space.

For example: The above poster mentions that her husband felt she was being
abusive in refusing sex with him when she did not want sex. Throughout the site,
and elsewhere, the consensus is that if an individual does not want to make
love with their marital partner, it is their right - in fact it is their
responsibility to themselves - not to! The writer's husband interprets her
behavior
as "abuse" in that it constitutes a passive-aggressive withholding of what he
seeks. This is his point of view.

If she is not inclined to make love with him because he does not treat her
lovingly, which is what I read between the lines of this woman's post, her
husband feels abused - when, in fact, she is simply taking care of herself! He
cries "abuse" because she will not let him violate her boundaries / personal
space
- as he may be used to doing or expects to do.

The distinction between maintaining boundaries or behaving passive
aggressively can be murky because withholding is an element of abuse; many
abusive
individuals "specialize" in withholding sex, affection, compliments, etc. These
individuals feel justified  withholding loving behavior - because they have a
problem with how they were treated, etc. They will, rightfully from their point
of view declare, "I cannot make love to my partner because I was treated
poorly."

Yet, their idea of "poor treatment" may be that they felt ignored that their
partner was on the phone last night with mom for an hour. This is passive
aggressive tit-for-tat retaliation, not boundary setting.

Care For Yourself!

My approach with abusive individuals is to tell them that it is their job, n
ot their partner's job, to take care of themselves. In this case, I would
advise the lonely individual to speak up the next time they feel neglected by
their
partner. But, I also caution that while it is their responsibility to
initiate their request, it is also their responsibility to accept "no" for an
answer
- and without holding a grudge. After all, holding a grudge is like shooting
yourself in the foot. You aren't likely to endear yourself to anyone by being
cool or nasty towards them. "Acceptance" can be difficult for the individual
who implicitly and irrationally assumes that they are entitled to get "their
way."

Ditto with denied sex: it is your responsibility to ask for what you want,
but it is also your responsibility to gracefully accept "no" for an answer. Your
partner's feelings are as important as your feelings. Your partner has a
right not to make make love with you for whatever reason. When I am asked, "But,
what kind of marriage is that?" I am likely to advise that if an individual has
done everything in their power to be gracious, loving, and understanding
towards their partner (which is their responsibility to themselves), and sex is
still not forthcoming, then the individual needs to choose whether or not sex is
important enough to merit threatening the relationship. "Forcing" or cajoling
another to give what they don't want to give will only lead to resentment and
problems down the road. This holds true whether the partner is biochemically
disinterested, ill, overtly angry, or passive aggressive!

One of my favorite sayings is, "Ask for what you want once; or even twice.
After that, assume your partner heard you and will not or cannot give you what
you want. Accept it."

The Water Is Even Murkier

Asking, "Who is the abuser / who is the victim,"  implicitly questions which
partner is trying to exercise "control" over the other by their attempt to
meet their implicitly-held  entitlement demands; the classic "My Way" stuff.
However, once again, things are not so clear cut. The issue is clouded by the
fact
that nobody is perfect. Not even the saintliest victim will maintain his or
her cool all the time. Not even the most self-sacrificing victim will never
ever be passive-aggressive or (gasp!) controlling. In fact, victims are
extremely
controlling, though their objective is usually along the lines of being loved
and gaining approval. Nevertheless, the point is, we are human; we mess up
all the time.

The abuser person is expert at immediately picking up the slightest momentary
acting out. This guarded person is likely to mentally keep tabs, or never let
the victim forget their misbehavior. The victim, often too expert at soul
searching, recognizes their misbehavior - and gets lost in wondering if they are
the abuser! All this occurs while the abuse and trampling of boundaries
continues.

It Goes Two Ways

While I advise my victim people to continue their soul searching, for it is
good for them, I also caution that they give themselves the same (generous)
benefit of the doubt they give their partner. I also encourage these individuals
to recognize their equality and therefore expect consideration and benefit of
the doubt in return.

We are out of balance when we harbor implicit expectations about what we are
entitled to from our partner. We are also out of balance when we obsess over
our errors and what we didn't give.

Healthy thinking assumes:

the ability to reflect on and learn from one's mistakes 
a sense of worth and entitlement 
the ability to gracefully accept "no" for an answer.  

The Abusive Victim

In some cases, the abuse has gone on for so long, or the individual feels so
provoked; has put up with so much, or, for whatever reason, the victim is so
very, very angry, there is little benefit of the doubt left for the partner.
This is the victim who is likely to misbehave at every turn - and feel justified
in doing so. This is the victim who behaviorally and psychologically has come
to resemble the abuser: this person wants to push their abuser away, punish
and hurt them.  

Is this person a victim? An abuser? A victim-abuser? Good question. Sometimes
I don't know either. I remember the battered wife I treated for several
months. The next time I saw her, she was divorced, had horror stories; had been
in
a shelter, etc. But, her current boyfriend was preparing to leave her because
she was verbally abusive, had hit him several times, and blocked his access
with her car. This so-called "victim" dropped out of treatment as I started
confronting her on her misbehavior.

On the other hand, I remember the recovering addict who came to me to deal
with a self-proclaimed "anger problem." He was engaged in furious acting-out
with his former girlfriend in a never-ending courtroom battle over their child.
Although she allied herself with the battered woman's movement, it turns out he
was the victim! He knew no better than to blow up at her lies and
provocation. This young man stayed in treatment and turned his life around. He
still
doesn't attack, but he has learned to defend himself and fight back fairly and
well. Last I heard, he was "winning" in court.

So, who is the victim and who is the abuser? Seems to me that the individual
who takes responsibility for his or her life and thinks "smart" - is neither!

Smart Thinking

Back to the original poster whose question inspired this article. This savvy
lady took care of herself. She searched her soul, didn't give away the benefit
of the doubt -  and went on to answer her own question:

"This article really interested me because I did wonder if I was turning into
an abuser because of his constant remarks. But when I really think about the
things he "claims" are abuse, its just me setting my boundaries and him having
a huge problem with my boundaries."

Amen.


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