Can Abusers Change?

Abusive relationships do not change without sustained therapy specifically
targeted toward the abusive relationship patterns. It only takes one to abuse,
yet, these relationships themselves cannot be changed from one side. It takes
mutual honesty, openness, and willingness from both parties to work through
their separate dysfunctional patterns. Victims need help, too, with their
codependency and any fear, denial, and inability to set boundaries.

Group therapy is highly recommended for abusers, as it helps them to break
through the denial that is generally a part of the abusive patterns. (People in
denial generally recognize their own dysfunctional behavior in others more
easily than in themselves.) This applies to the partners of abusers as well -
group helps them to break through the denial by seeing the relationship patterns
from a wider view. Couples or marital counseling is not recommended for the
victim and abuser together in the beginning stages of recovery because they each
have distinct issues of their own.

If the abuser is unwilling to own their behavior and seek help the prudent
course of action is to remove yourself totally from the situation. This is
painful, but is generally safer and ultimately better for both parties than
allowing the cycle of abuse to continue.

Be prepared for the abuse to increase if you assert yourself or after you
leave - either can enrage the abuser, as it shatters their illusion of control.
Learn how to protect and care for yourself. Detachment with love is difficult,
but the best solution if your partner is unwilling to work though the issues.

Help is readily available for both parties in abusive relationships. These
relationships cannot be changed from one side. Remember that by staying you are
condoning and enabling the abuse - and helping your partner to stay sick. If
your partner is unwilling to get help the only safe course of action is to
totally remove yourself from the situation and seek help on your own.

Lost Source


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